With Or Without You
A/n: Hi guys! I'm back! Yay! Well the excuse this time, yeah I know 'Just another excuse!'...but this one is legitimate, as have all the others been. I'm gonna let you guys in on a little personal detail. I was in a car accident last Wednesday and totaled my beloved black Jeep. I killed him...:cries: Thank the Lord above I only received a concussion and horribly bruised left ear and hurt my neck a little bit. I am so very, very lucky. Also, I was wearing my seat belt! So, I was obviously delayed in writing, BUT I'm back with a new chapter full of angst and emotions and totally ready to get this story finished. This chappie's just another one of everybody's thoughts on what's goin' on, a lil boring, but the next chapter is going to be full of a confrontation and other stuff that ya'll love.
Oh, and I'm so happy to have received so many reviews saying that ya'll thought last chapter was the best ever. I loved that chapter too, so I'm very pleased to hear you guys did too:P
Chapter Twelve
If I Ever Loose My Faith In You
>
Night was his cover, though he could care less whether or not he was seen.
A silvery white streak that zoomed past like a fast burst of air, he was covering ground far quicker than he had been before.
A new need, far greater than any others before was pushing him.
He had to stop her from hurting herself so. Rin was so much smarter than to be starving herself because of some man, much less himself. He couldn't comprehend it still, that she were this devastated over his leave.
There was also though, the possibility that the old mortal had been lying just to escape death.
Sesshomaru doubted it.
Though he thought it cowardly to use Rin as an excuse to live, he did not believe that some random man would think of Rin to lie about.
And inside, Sesshomaru wondered if this were just the final push that had set him back, returning to her once again.
He never regretted any of his decisions, ever.
Every thought, every emotion that had run through him had been centered or sprouted from her. She was haunting him and the only way he knew, to kill this thirst, was to get to the root of it.
If he could go and confirm that she did not have any emotions for him, which he hoped, then he could go on, living just fine. He could leave her and he would never allow himself to dwell upon her ever again. He could let her live that boring life she would want, with dozens of plump children and her plump, cheating husband.
It was what she would want, wasn't it?
Why else would she have accepted the proposal?
Even her father had not known the answer.
And this, and so many other thoughts troubled him so.
Sesshomaru frowned.
She was an obsession, that in a few days, would be gone for forever.
The thought both made his pride sing and his heart scream.
Though he had many other excuses, it all came down to an answer that was never good enough.
He couldn't explain what it was that was pushing him to run to her.
Was it the fact that his curiosity was perked and he needed to quench this insatiable hope that perhaps, just maybe, she were thinking of him?
Why should he worry about her?
He had finally gotten rid of her as he had always wanted.
At least, he always thought he wanted to rid himself of her.
Right?
He didn't want to answer himself. He just wanted to blank out any other thoughts and just go.
But his pride and heart would not let him
Each were battling one another within him and he felt like his brother. He felt weak, pathetic. He was allowing her in, whether or not his ego would bend a bit to admit it.
His stomach felt sick, and his chest tight. It was so new to him. Never had he felt like this. What were these feelings, damn it?
>
Roiyaru sat amongst his men, surrounding a small fire as they spoke solemnly to one another. Roiyaru remained silent. He simply ate the small bowl of rice and stared into the flickering flames before him.
They captivated his attention, and gave his mind room to wander.
He began to think of the only thing he was capable of thinking of at the moment.
Rin.
He took a small bite of rice as the men's spirits began to rise as the sake was passed about them. He knew they needed something to warm their spirits after riding three days straight. They were now on a secret mountain pass that few knew of. This would get them to Kisho at least three days sooner.
Yet his thoughts were not centered at the moment on their route.
Hadn't Rin always seemed to adore him as much as he her?
Didn't she always pass him those flirtatious smiles, whisper so delicately that he had to lean close to hear her. She couldn't have possibly done it just to toy with him. She wasn't that kind of girl.
Was she?
Roiyaru frowned slightly as new, angrier thoughts began to drift into his heart and mind.
What if she were just toying with him?
Was she just a deceitful little nymph that had tricked him into loving her for the sake of her father's profit?
How dare she!
He could have any woman he wanted and he had chosen her! What a waste.
And as he tried to become angry with her and hate her, he realized, deep down inside that he knew, without a doubt, that it was...
It was completely...and totally...
...untrue...
Rin was a sweet, virtuous girl who he had never seen ever intend anyone harm. She had always been that shy beauty who had stolen his heart without even trying.
He knew that it was actually the fact that he had lost her to some older youkai that angered him so.
That was who he knew his anger should be centered upon, not his beloved Rin.
She was the victim to some creature who had found a beauty and wished to have her for his own.
He was so much older than her.
Hell, he was practically her father and she was just confused.
That was all, she was just a young girl who was simply confused.
Roiyaru let out a small snarl.
The men around him silenced as they saw him rise up suddenly, dropping his bowl of rice carelessly.
He began to gather his things. "Get ready, we're leaving."
>
"Answer me, Rin," came the stern, yet quiet command of her mother.
Rin blinked back the tears as both shame and fear swept through her.
What would Lady Adzumi think if she knew the truth?
Would she be angry with Rin?
Rin bit her lower lip and looked up.
With a heavy heart and a lump the size of an apple in her throat, she gave a small nod.
"Yes...yes, with all my heart Mother...I love him."
Lady Adzumi's eyes remained unwavering as she spoke once again.
"And what about Lord Roiyaru?"
Rin sniffled slightly, the tears now spilling freely down her flush cheeks.
"No," she whimpered. "No, I may have once. But not anymore and never again."
Rin then fell to her knees, crying softly in her delicate hands. "I'm a bad person, aren't I?" she murmured quietly into her palms in between cries.
Lady Adzumi crouched down beside her daughter and took her hands in her own. She then set Rin's hands down in her lap and then wiped away the big, fat tears cascading down her baby soft cheeks.
She stared at the girl's big, brown eyes so full of pain and guilt. She could feel her own heart crying for the child, just as it had ten years ago when Rin came in crying softly about the same man.
"Rin, you've done nothing wrong. In fact, you are much braver then most women. You've allowed yourself to accept these feelings. I envy you child, and I also pity you for I too, have been in this position."
Rin wiped away her eyes, now blinking back with hopeful eyes.
"You have?"
Lady Adzumi nodded.
"I too, loved another man besides Kisho. He was a devilishly handsome, wild man that was so very poor. I loved him more than anything. Yet I chose to go with what my family wished, and I ended up breaking not one, but two hearts in the end. My own and his."
Rin gulped, shaking her head as a frown passed over her face. "But, then are you suggesting I break the engagement?"
Lady Adzumi turned her head to the side slightly and grinned.
"I'm suggesting nothing. I am only telling you that if you make the wrong decision, child, you cannot take it back. These two men are far too proud."
Rin rose up and shook her head quickly, her long mane waving softly against her shoulders. Something clicked within her mind suddenly, breaking through to her stubborn heart.
"No, I can't. I can't break off the engagement," she stated softly, as she began to pace the room, wringing her hands roughly together.
"Lord Sesshomaru is long gone. He does not love me...how could he? I'm just some silly little human girl."
She let out a wild laugh, startling Lady Adzumi by her 180 degree change of emotions.
"How stupid was I to believe that I had a chance?"
She turned to Lady Adzumi and another laugh escaped her throat. "He hates humans! Despises them! And here I was, honestly believing that there was room for me in his heart."
Rin then whispered gently, "There is no room for anyone in his heart besides his greed for power. I'm nothing but a stupid little girl...I'm just a child compared to him."
Lady Adzumi stormed over to Rin, grabbing her shoulders roughly. Her dark eyes flashed with anger as she tried her hardest to figure out what she had said to make this girl go so suddenly stupid.
"What brought this sudden change of heart upon? A moment ago you were telling me how you loved him, and now-?"
"First of all Mother, it was more of a revelation, not a change of heart. I still love him dearly, and will always. But I have just realized that there is no hope for me."
She shrugged off her mother's hands and moved towards the door. "He doesn't love me. I've just been too naive to see it."
She smiled ironically sweet to her mother and bowed lowly. "Thank you Mother, for helping me see this."
She then turned and left.
Lady Adzumi knew not what to say.
>
Jaken huffed and puffed, wheezing loudly as he leaned against his ancient staff for support.
He was getting too damn old for this.
He looked up to the small mountain where he knew his master was far past.
He had traveled all across these lands for so many years now, that he could get anywhere without the need to think of it. It was an instinct. He knew where every territory ended, where each new region began and he knew where his master always traveled.
So he easily knew the way back to Rin's village.
And he knew without any need to hear it from Lord Sesshomaru, that that was where his lord was headed.
It took not a genius to know that his heart had fallen prey, just as his father's had and as his brother's. He was under the spell of a mortal woman.
What was it that they had that no other females had?
Female youkai could easily conjure up a spell that could lure potential mates into their beds. They knew how to seduce male youkai far better than any human did, and yet, three youkai had fall for human women.
Jaken frowned, wading through a shallow stream, it's low temperatures calming his sore feet.
Was it their innocence, that purity that captivated demons?
Or was it their frailty and delicateness, the capability of dying so easily.
"That's lunacy!" Jaken exclaimed aloud, not liking the thought of it at all.
He had always thought his master and he would be the only two. He had never imagined that it would be a woman that would separate them. Jaken had always thought death would push them apart before a human woman would.
In all his years of following Sesshomaru, never did he bat an eye at any females. Even as some of the most gorgeous, seductive youkai had practically thrown themselves on him, Sesshomaru had simply pretended not to care. What did Rin have that the others didn't?
"Nothing, absolutely nothing," Jaken grumbled to himself, stepping onto the moist earth of the stream's banking. Evening was settling about him and he knew soon he would need to rest.
Perhaps he was only a day behind his lord.
Maybe two.
He squinted against the dying light and sighed.
Though Rin were so very, very beautiful, she wasn't anything that seemed much different from Inuyasha's wench. Actually, all mortal women seemed the same to Jaken. Dark hair, dark eyes, ivory skin. The same everywhere.
And it was just simply his jealousy that kept him from truly liking Rin.
She was the one thing between him and his master.
Now, Jaken was, by no means, in love with Sesshomaru.
He just admired his master so very much, that it was more of fan loving a famous celebrity type of emotion.
Jaken found a nice, mossy spot and settled down upon it.
He was tired, dirty and hungry. He would stop for now and resume his march in the morning.
With a long, wide yawn, he simply fell asleep against the soft earth.
>
Rin fled to her garden, tears pouring down her angelic face. She found no place for herself in that mansion anymore.
Saeko had betrayed her and Lady Adzumi only dreamed childish fantasies.
Did she not think Rin had considered marrying Sesshomaru? Not even marrying, just running away with him!
Of course she had played, indulged in the romantic fantasy, but now her mind had finally won over and gotten through her foggy, love drunken thoughts to her heart.
She had been so full of this new emotion that she had not taken the time to actually remember that Sesshomaru had left her alone with words that left nothing to hint his feelings for her.
She was just an old responsibility that he was checking up on. Once he saw she was doing okay, he had turned and left. One less thing for him to worry about.
Rin sat down beside her friend, her stone bench and slowly laid her head upon it.
Now that Roiyaru knew she loved Sesshomaru, he may call off the engagement and any small flicker of chance that she just may find happiness would disappear. She would then loose both Sesshomaru and Roiyaru.
Rin simply lay there, her eyes closed as the tears fell silently. She was so sick of crying that she had no energy left to whimper or cry out. She just sat there, her shoulders trembling occasionally as she kept her face hidden from the world.
Though Sesshomaru had saved her life, it was only because if she were alive and well, he could leave without guilt. Had she died, perhaps he would have had flicker of heartache.
'I doubt it,' her thoughts spat.
The evening's breezes tickled and played at her, but she refused to admire the nice weather. She found nothing beautiful at that moment. She despised everything and everyone, and in turn, hated herself for feeling so.
>
A/n: Ah, like I said, full of angst, thoughts. I know, Rin's totally freaking out on us, Roiyaru's getting all pissy at Sesshomaru and the only one acting like we want him to (well sorta) is the most unlikely of them all! Lol, well I was watching the movie Closer, which I really liked, and I think it kind of fueled all these bitter emotions from our characters. Okay, enough from me. I hope you guys liked this chapter, kinda boring, I know. I hope it didn't seem to rushed...Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, as usual guys, they keep me going, honestly! See ya!