With Or Without You
A/n: Hello everyone and happy very, very, very late Thanksgiving! I wanted to get this up by Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't find a way I wanted to end the chapter. Finally, I came up with it and had my editor (my lil brother) read over it before I could allow myself to submit it. The next update may not be until next weekend b/c this weekend I compete at state, sooo...please, oh pretty please, be patient for the next one! Keep the reviews coming like they've been, I love you guys, you rock!
Chapter Fifteen
The Truth
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Her dark eyes were fixed upon him, her face suddenly blank as she hid her mixed emotions. Both surprise and disappointment were filtering around beneath her self-created mask that in just a day, would become her natural look.
"Roiyaru," she repeated, eyeing him carefully as the crowd around her made no motion to leave. She could feel the steady beat of her heart, pounding within her ears as the room became suddenly tense. Not a word was said from the people surrounding her and after a few moments, she began to think Roiyaru would not speak with her.
She approached him slowly, her hands shaking as her mind became a blank with panic.
And then he smiled such a bittersweet smile that all her fears of him knowing the truth came crashing down upon her in a tidal wave of both relief and shame.
His dark cerulean eyes pierced hers as his boyish innocence came through in just one expression, an expression that said so much to her.
"Everyone, let's give my daughter and Lord Roiyaru some privacy!" hissed Lady Adzumi suddenly, her eyes locked upon the back of her daughter's head.
Rin silently thanked her mother, glancing away from Roiyaru to look at everyone around her.
They all reluctantly began to leave, some patting Roiyaru on the shoulder, others whispering words of welcome. The last to leave was Saeko.
Her beady eyes bore into Rin's, but Rin did not look away. Rin lifted her head slightly, almost challenging the girl before Saeko finally turned away and left.
Rin felt a warm, dry hand grab hers and she looked down sympathetically to Roiyaru.
He looked so tired, so weak and broken. Dark circles, darker than the ones underneath her own eyes, made him look so unhealthy. Dirt and blood accented his usually clean and pristine appearance, not to mention the mass of dark black hair atop his head that was mussed and greasy, now falling into his eyes, which he simply blew away.
He looked truly terrible and Rin never pitied him more, nor felt more for him than at that moment.
In a graceful sweep, she bent down and hugged him tightly to her chest. She felt tears stinging her eyes and for a brief moment she wondered if she had actually been concerned for his health while he was away.
Roiyaru audibly gasped as the beautiful girl embraced him ever so tightly. The strong, heady fragrance of honeysuckle and lavender invaded his senses as he felt her hold his head against the soft tenderness of her chest. He couldn't help but relax against the silky material of her kimono and for awhile, as she held him as a wife should, he let himself believe that she loved him.
Rin had feared that Sesshomaru would kill Roiyaru upon hearing who he was, but who was she kidding? Sesshomaru could have cared less as to who she was marrying. He had made that quite clear when he left. Still, Rin had worried about Roiyaru more than she had lead on.
She then, much sooner than Roiyaru would have liked, released her fiancee from her tight grasp and watched with careful eyes as he stood up. He stumbled slightly in his movements, but with Rin's help, soon stood before her just as proudly as he had nearly a month ago in the garden.
Rin's bright brown eyes looked up to his and she quickly looked back down to her kimono, smoothing it out nervously. "I suppose my wedding gown won't be much of a surprise to you tomorrow, will it?" she laughed gently.
Roiyaru studied her for quite some time without saying anything, just watching her every little move with great earnest.
So much of him still loved her and yet, it felt as if something suddenly felt distanced from her.
The way she moved so carefully about him, the way she spoke properly and minded herself were the ways a woman should behave around a man, especially her husband...but he had a feeling that whenever Rin did marry, to whomever it would be, she would not act this way.
She had a different side to her that he felt he would never see.
Though when she had hugged him so dearly, he felt that perhaps he had seen a mere glimpse of it, he knew that it would take so long to find her heart and steal it back away from that youkai.
And then he remembered.
'He's still after me!'
>
Sesshomaru stood at the village's newly erected gates. The scent of fresh wood met his nostrils and he knew that these had not been up long. He could still smell the earthy scent of fresh dirt and when he looked down at the base of the gates, he saw the still upturned dirt and gravel.
A part of him was proud that he had scared the villagers so, and another part wondered if Rin were scared of him as well.
He scoffed at the idea.
Rin had never feared him. She was brave and she understood him more than she knew. She knew when to be quiet, when to speak up, when to listen and when to defy him.
He knew that beyond these gates that cowardly cur were running to her, whimpering of this dreaded youkai's return.
"Lord Sesshomaru! M'lord! Oh please wait! Lord Sesshomaru!" came a shrill, raspy cry from yards away that Sesshomaru knew all too well.
He turned on his heel rather slowly, almost reluctantly, to see his retainer standing on the peak of the nearest grassy hill, waving his arms madly as he cried out for his master's attention.
It was amazing how the little creature could find him so quickly. Sesshomaru had thought that perhaps Inuyasha had delayed the little toad's traveling, but alas, Jaken was not that easily distracted.
Sesshomaru watched with slight amusement as the creature bounded down the hill, every few steps tumbling over his robes before regaining balance.
It wasn't too long before he was at his master's feet again, teary eyed and looking exhausted.
"M'lord! I finally caught up with you!" he gasped, falling to his small knees before his lord.
Sesshomaru sneered slightly at the toad's filthy appearance and Jaken did not ignore it.
"I'm so sorry that I'm so dirty, but I did not stop to bathe nor rest much while in search of you! I didn't even stop to ask that hanyou, Inuyasha of your whereabouts," he explained quickly.
Sesshomaru had already turned away, his gaze settling once again upon the twelve foot gates before him. He lifted a hand to gently run across the fresh wood, wondering whether he should simply break it down or push it open nicely.
Jaken stared in disbelief as his master caressed the village's gates before him.
On the other side, the sound of men could heard. They were yelling and running, the scent of fear and sweat thick in the air.
Sesshomaru smirked.
Though he would love to stop and disturb the peace, he had more important matters on his mind. So without another thought, he briskly slashed only a few times with his claws against the hard wood of the door.
The wood groaned and moaned for only a moment before it fell backwards, away from Sesshomaru.
The men stared in disbelief as a cloud of dirt flew at them. Some ran back, yelling warning of the youkai. Others stood bravely, bracing themselves for a fight.
As the dust settled, Sesshomaru entered the village once again, Jaken faithfully at his heels.
He said not a word to the men and simply walked past them, none making an effort to stop him.
>
"Rin, I must ask you something," Roiyaru said suddenly, breaking the uneasy silence that had befallen them once more. He grabbed Rin's arms, as if to prevent her from running away. Rin looked down at his hands and when he made no effort to remove them, looked back into his eyes.
Roiyaru saw her fear swimming against the honey highlights of her brown eyes, but made no notion of it.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he spoke, "You must answer truthfully, Rin...I want only the truth."
Rin frowned, her lips forming a protest but his blue eyes flashed open once more and she shut her mouth instantly.
"I spoke with your father...and he told me that he met with your old guardian, Sesshomaru," he began.
Rin tensed within his grasp at the mere mention of his name, her heart now beating rapidly in her chest.
Roiyaru did not wait for her to reply and continued. "He told me that...that you love this youkai, the same youkai your sister spoke of in a prying letter and...and," he spoke louder as she tried to protest once again.
"And I do not want to believe that you have feelings for this creature, for I have seen him with my own eyes and he looks like only a beast in my eyes...but," he looked up, his blue eyes full of emotions Rin had never seen in them before now.
"But you, you hide so much of yourself from me Rin, that who knows how you see that youkai. And I can't decide whether you've always loved him and you never truly had any feelings for me or if your father and sister are just simply lying to dissolve this engagement."
Roiyaru gently laughed. "And I must admit that I am praying, with all my being, that it is the latter of the two."
Rin gulped, tears stinging her eyes again. She looked down, feeling his grip upon her thin arms tightening as she saw his heart breaking before her. The guilt she had felt before was nothing compared to what she was now feeling.
It was indescribable, the way her heart was breaking, the way her stomach was squirming and the never relenting screaming within her mind that this had to be done. This was the moment everything had been leading up to.
She swallowed hard, knowing that what she wanted to say had to be said. If she continued to lie to him, continued to lie to her family, and most importantly, to herself, then true happiness was nothing but a mere memory. She could never truly gain that free feeling of being alive, being free again because she would have closed her own prison door with a lie. Shutting herself away with marriage, she would be miserable for life.
"What my father and Saeko have told you is...is..."
"M'lady! Lady Rin!" Tokiko cried out suddenly, rushing into the room with her eyes as wide as ever.
Rin glared at the servant and shook her head quickly. "Leave us, Tokiko!" she ordered sternly.
Tokiko ignored the distraught expressions of the two young adults and sighed softly. "But m'lady, you must-"
Rin shook her head once again, her dark eyes flashing dangerously. "It will wait, Tokiko. Now I order you to leave us!"
Tokiko looked helplessly to Roiyaru, but his eyes seemed to agree with the woman in his arms, so she quickly and quietly left.
By Tokiko's expression, Roiyaru knew that Sesshomaru must have entered the village.
"Roiyaru."
Her delicate voice, now quivering, pulled his attention away from his thoughts of Sesshomaru.
"Lord Sesshomaru saved my life. He cared for me as a child and in concern for my own welfare, he left me in this village so that I could be brought up a woman and would be safe from his final battle with Naraku," she explained gently.
Roiyaru frowned. This could go either way, though deep down inside he knew what her answer was going to be.
"I know that you can't see the humanity or warmth within him and few do. But I do know him, not as much as Master Jaken, but enough to know that he is not a beast nor creature like everyone sees him. He is good, deep down inside."
She paused, taking a deep breath to keep herself from blubbering before him. She was already crying more than she'd like to in front of someone, especially Roiyaru.
"If Lord Sesshomaru had not come back, I would probably still feel for you what I always felt. I would most likely still be thrilled by the idea of marrying you...but he came back. I don't know why, or what made him, but he did. And in that moment that I saw him, I knew that I didn't love him like I did as a little girl."
Roiyaru felt her trembling in his arms, and he bit his lower lip as the truth began to seep into his mind.
She loved that damn youkai. Damn it, she loved him!
She glanced away only a second to collect herself once again before she looked into his eyes, showing him more emotion that she ever had. That blank, foggy glaze was absent from her eyes and now he saw deep, down into her soul. Her expression was raw and huamn, nothing like the angelic doll she had become around him.
This was the real Rin in all her misery and beauty, and the more she expressed, the more emotion she appeared to feel, the more he loved her, despite her confession of loving a demon.
"I do love him, and I'm so, so sorry that it wasn't me who told you first, m'lord," she whimpered, dropping her head in shame.
"Rin."
She heard her name falling so softly off of his lips that guilt made her intestines twist once more.
"Rin, look at me," he commanded more sternly.
She raised her head slowly, tears rolling silently down her cheeks as he studied her gaze with that natural gentleness he had always possessed.
He cocked his head to the side, now releasing her arms from his tight grasp. A hand came up to cup her soft, now wet cheek and he caressed it slowly. His dark eyes tracing over her facial features momentarily before he dropped his hand back down to his side.
"I must thank you for your honesty, Rin."
She said nothing, but continued to stare at him fully.
"Rin, your lord is in this village as we speak."
Her eyes glimmered slightly and she frowned with confusion as he continued to look upon her so sweetly despite the sudden bombshell of truth she had just thrown upon him.
"Your Lord Sesshomaru has returned once again, Rin. He followed me here from the west," he explained patiently.
Rin's eyes widened considerably and a gasp escaped her lips, which she immediately regretted.
Roiyaru smiled slightly before he leaned forward, brushing his lips ever so softly against her own. Rin did not kiss back as her hands clenched at her sides as they had when he had first kissed her in the garden. Kissing him would never feel right.
She watched as he backed away, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Go to him, Rin."
>
Sesshomaru walked slowly through the village, enjoying the way the men and women raced to their homes, screaming. It was truly pathetic. He almost felt angry with himself for placing Rin in such a cowardly village, but it would not matter for long, for he would soon find the cure to this insistent need within him.
The pull towards her was just growing stronger with every step he took towards the mansion near the center of the village.
A few yards away, the elderly woman sat as usual. Her soft smile was gracing her thin lips as she stared off into nothingness.
Sesshomaru stared her for a moment, wondering if she could see him, if she knew why he were here again.
"M'lord, are you sure Rin is even here still? It has been four weeks!" Jaken snipped from beside him. Sesshomaru looked down at the green creature. He looked back up, resuming his confident stride towards the mansion.
"I'm quite confident she's here, Jaken."
>
"What, m'lord?" she asked quietly, her tears now ceasing.
Roiyaru looked to the doorway and saw Tokiko appear as if on cue, anxiety fully expressed in her eyes.
Roiyaru looked back to Rin and sighed. "I said go to him, Rin."
"But-"
"Don't worry about me. I do not wish to keep you from him any longer than I already have," he interrupted quietly. It was now his eyes that became foggy, hiding from her what he truly felt.
Rin smiled gently, nodding.
"Thank you, m'lord."
He said nothing as she quickly raced back to the entrance of the mansion.
He watched her disappear and turned to Tokiko, who was now staring at him with an almost approving gaze.
"You are her handmaiden correct?" he asked quietly, approaching the nearest window.
Tokiko watched as he turned his back upon her and she stepped forward, nodding. "Yes m'lord. I have been at Lady Rin's side for quite some time now."
Roiyaru nodded, biting his lower lip as the pain continued to pulse within his heart. "Then you must know her much more than I do." He turned back to face the young servant and cocked his eyebrows high in question.
"Did I do the right thing, Tokiko? Was letting her run to that foul beast the right thing?"
Tokiko's eyes grew considerably softer and she smiled broadly, nodding. "Yes m'lord, I believe you did the best thing possible."
Roiyaru gave a curt nod and turned back to the window.
"Is there anything I can get you, m'lord?"
Roiyaru shook his head. "No...well, I suppose you could have the stable boys ready my horse. I must return home and tell my father that the wedding is off."
Tokiko nodded and soon left the room.
As she turned the corner, she nearly ran head on into Lady Adzumi. "M'lady! I'm sorry, please excuse me," apologized Tokiko quickly, bowing several times before bustling past Lady Adzumi.
The more poised woman stepped into the doorway, watching Roiyaru with a newfound respect. She smiled gently and walked into the room.
Roiyaru turned as she approached him and as he began to speak, she shook her head. "I am proud of you, Lord Roiyaru. I just want you to know that." She patted his shoulder softly. "You need not explain, for I heard it all...I'm afraid that eavesdropping has been a flaw in my personality for years," she laughed, her dark eyes twinkling.
Roiyaru nodded. "It's quite alright m'lady. I'm sure by tomorrow the entire northern region will be speaking of what a fool I am."
Lady Adzumi shook her head quickly, frowning. "No, no, no dear! You have done what is right. Would you have preferred living with the ghost of a woman, loving the mere shell of her? I have been watching my daughter die slowly ever since that youkai returned, and I must thank you for lifting that illness from her, Roiyaru. You saved her, you hear me? You saved her from a fate that no one, but the two of you could stop."
Roiyaru glanced back out the window as he watched the servants whisper frantically, pointing to the gates leading into the mansion.
He felt the woman's hand leave his shoulder as her footsteps grew quieter as she left the room, most likely to investigate her servants' odd behavior.
"It will go away...the pain I mean."
Roiyaru quietly snorted, doubting that it would be anytime soon.
>
A/n: I know, I know! Sesshomaru and Rin's reunion was not in this chapter, but you know that the next chapter will be full of just them. I may have something w/ the other characters, but the majority of it, like 90 of it,will be to those two, I promise! I'll update ASAP guys, I swear! Please be patient, I promise it won't be too long!
Oh btw, I don't know if anyone likes Good Charolette, but their song "The Truth" fits perfectly with Roiyaru and Rin's situation and it definitely helped me while writing this chapter (Thus the chapter's obvious title). Sorry, total music junkie here and I like listen to music 24/7, so just thought I'd mention that, lol.