With Or Without You
A/n: So I've taken a billion years to update once again, I know, I know. I'm so sorry. But, I actually got finish not one, but TWO chapters this weekend. I'm so happy about that, hopefully ya'll will be too, lol. I don't know when I can post it up, but it will be much sooner than this last update took. I hope ya'll enjoy! I won't give out any hints as to how this chapter's gonna go...hopefully ya'll like it!
Chapter Eighteen
Ignorance
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The warm sunlight shown down upon them in an almost blazing heat. It was hotter than usual, especially since it was the last weeks of summer. The winds continued to sweep across the fields surrounding the forest, blowing through the trees and high grasses. The small breezes came up to brush across her beautiful face, allowing her a moment to just exhale. A moment to just forget the pressure building within her chest, the anticipation rushing through her veins.
Rin stepped out into the small meadow that was surrounded solely by forest. Jaken was already amongst the tall grasses, only the top of his head visible. It continued to bob about, occasionally a soft curse word would come from him as he'd stumble or find something to complain about.
Rin always felt as small warmth spread through her when looking upon Jaken. He was, as said before, like her funny little uncle. She adored him, more than she would ever say.
She started off with slow steps, exiting the forest which still kept Sesshomaru and headed on out. She looked up to the sky, watching as the sun slowly crept into its spot at the center, signaling noon's arrival.
"Have you found anything yet, Master Jaken?" she called out softly, her own eyes searching the ground for something edible.
Jaken looked up and grunted. "I thought I saw a rabbit go running off in that direction."
Rin looked up to where Jaken's staff was pointing.
She saw nothing, but hoped that Jaken would catch it. It had been years since she had to chase after her own meals, and though if Jaken asked her to do it, she would without complaint, the idea of having to kill something bothered her suddenly.
'You're spoiled,' her inner voice snapped.
Years of having her meals prepared for her had spoiled her body. She had long since forgotten the pangs of hunger.
She frowned with a determined grunt and took off in that direction, her eyes searching.
Inside, the antagonizing, irritating need to find Sesshomaru was constantly on her heart. She knew that making the deal with herself to confess her feelings to him had been almost a self-induced curse.
She knew she would not find peace until she told him, and yet, telling something such as this to the almighty, all knowing Lord Sesshomaru was not as easy as confessing love to just some average man. He was a demon, a very well-known, powerful immortal being that had a stare as cold and strong as steel.
This was not going to be an easy task.
Nor was catching a non-existent rabbit.
Rin turned to Jaken, who was now near the edge of the meadow. She wiped the light trace of perspiration from her forehead while pushing back her bangs. The sun was now at the peak of the sky and burning brilliantly.
Rin looked away from the sun and sighed.
"I can't find it, Master Jaken. Are you sure you saw it come this way?" she asked with a frown.
Jaken looked to her shaking his head. "I don't know," was his soft reply, sounding quite defeated.
"Let's go look in the forest, Rin."
She nodded slowly, following behind the small toad back to the dark woods.
>
Sesshomaru watched Rin walking about the emerald field.
'She's a woman now,' he thought silently, his gaze never leaving her slender form.
She no longer moved like child. Her movements were precise and refined. As a child, she had been rambunctious and careless. Now, as she looked up to Jaken, she moved with a certain grace that most women Sesshomaru had seen, could never achieve. It was an inner class, an elegance that just emanated from her.
'A fine mate.'
Sesshomaru's face slightly frowned.
What was it with these random thoughts? These were things he never thought of. He had never considered any female as a mate. He was a solitary person and he had always assumed he would be alone.
Taking a mate would mean sharing his life with another person for life. He would always have her as a constant burden. Even as a child, she had managed to get herself into trouble. She would be a distraction and would always need him.
Yet, the thought of being depended on always intrigued him. The idea of knowing that she needed him was somewhat of an ego boost for him, though of course, he would never admit it.
He looked up as Rin and Jaken headed his way, conversing with one another. He looked behind him where a rabbit lay. He had killed it nearly thirty minutes ago and wondered how long it would take for the duo to realize it.
By their defeated expressions, he knew that they had not noticed yet.
"M'lord, we were unsuccessful in finding anything. Perhaps you have seen something nearby?" asked Jaken hopefully.
Sesshomaru looked to Rin, but as soon as she met his gaze, she averted her eyes.
Sesshomaru thought it off as nothing and turned to Jaken. "There is a rabbit for you two to share."
Jaken grinned. "Oh thank you m'lord! I told you Rin! I knew I saw a rabbit!" he exclaimed loudly.
Rin laughed softly, keeping her eyes low. "You were right, Master Jaken."
Without a word to her lord, she followed behind Jaken.
>
'I can't eat.'
She looked down at the tasty meat with sad eyes.
Her hunger had died the moment she had realized eating would bring her closer to the moment she both dreaded and anticipated.
Nearby Jaken was munching away happily as Sesshomaru stood yards away, looking across the meadow. She longed to know what he was thinking of. If she could only see into his mind for the briefest of moments, then she would finally know. Did he truly care for her?
"Rin, hurry up and eat."
She looked up to Jaken and sighed, nibbling at her meat.
She chewed thoughtfully, looking about her. The forest was quite beautiful, full of life and so very green with the steady rains. She had never ventured outside of her village since Sesshomaru had left her there, so how could she possibly know what the landscape was like around her?
She breathed in the clean air, relishing in memories of her childhood when the forest had practically been her home. She smiled softly to herself as she swallowed.
She turned just as Jaken rose up. "I think that a small nap would be nice. Do wake me when Lord Sesshomaru chooses to leave, Rin."
Rin nodded, wiping her hands together.
She watched as the small toad hobbled off to a deeper, quieter part of the woods. She waited for quite some time, listening to him stumble through the woods until his footsteps were silent.
The old toad was growing older and older everyday. Rin could see age upon his face, and though she knew he were immortal as all demons were, he just looked tired. He looked exhausted from the life he had chosen, and who could honestly blame him? Trailing after Sesshomaru was no easy task. Rin let out a sad sigh at the thought of her aging friend and turned away from where he had disappeared.
The fire from which their meal had been cooked was now just a few glowing embers. The sun was ever so slowly descending towards the west. It was only the early afternoon, but Rin felt as if a timer was ticking away, counting down the seconds until her chance would be gone.
She looked around her. Sesshomaru was walking across the meadow now.
It was weird, how he moved about when Jaken and Rin had him bound somewhere. To Rin, he was like a spirit, just a ghost moving about. She never knew why he couldn't just sit there. When he was injured, exhausted, or it was time for them to stop for sleep he would sit, but other than that, he was usually moving about until they were ready to go.
Restless. It was the only word she could think of to describe it.
Rin stood up slowly, wiping away the dirt from her baby blue kimono and smoothing out the wrinkles. She pushed her hair behind her shoulders and headed towards the meadow without a second thought.
If she thought, then she would allow her nerves to get to her and she would be hopeless. She had dreamed of telling him her true feelings, so why not finally tell him?
Sesshomaru stopped as he heard footsteps approaching. By the quiet, timid rhythm of them, he knew they were Rin's.
Sure enough, the heady scent of lavender and honeysuckle swarmed him with the persistent breeze. He inhaled slowly, for once, allowing himself the small pleasure of breathing in what was Rin.
"I hope I didn't disturb you, Lord Sesshomaru," she whispered shyly.
He turned around, opening his eyes to look upon her.
Standing a good foot taller than her, she looked up to him with hope filled eyes.
He shook his head curtly before turning away from her once again. He began to walk slowly away and as she opened her mouth to speak, she heard him.
He stopped a few feet from her and asked her gently, "Is this what you wanted Rin?"
She looked at the back of his head, frowning. Before she could question him, he spoke once more.
"Away from your father's mansion and your servants, you are just another mortal woman. You aren't a lord's daughter anymore. You aren't a younger lord's wife to be either...Is this what you wanted? To be stripped of your titles and status, just to wander around with...me?"
His voice, though as stoic and cold as usual, hinted something. An emotion had slipped through the words and Rin wondered, with all her being, what it was. She had never thought he'd question her motives so much. Last night and now here? He seemed so suspicious of her. Why?
As a child he hadn't cared. Was it because she was grown now?
Rin glared at the back of him, feeling insulted and hurt. Was he so blind that he could not tell? She clearly wasn't here for Jaken's affections and she wasn't benefitting them in anyway. She couldn't fight; she wasn't a priestess like the miko and she was no demon slayer. She knew nothing of those things. So why else would she be here?
"Is it that hard to accept that I was not happy, m'lord?" she finally asked, her voice betraying her miserably.
She didn't care. She had come to him with the hopes to tell him she loved him, and now he spoke to her as if she was some treacherous thing.
Sesshomaru turned slightly, looking at her from the corner of his eye as she stared at him indignantly.
"I was miserable in that village...but I stayed there because you asked me to. I promised you I would stay there, and so for ten years I lived there."
She stared at him, knowing fully well that every word she said, he heard.
Sesshomaru felt a sudden flare of his temper at her words. Had he not placed her in one of the safest villages around? Naraku was just a distant rumor to the people who lived there. Never had Naraku even thought of venturing near that village for it had nothing of value to him. Sesshomaru knew that a child as lively and sweet as Rin would easily fall into the right hands of some mortal.
He could have abandoned her!
He could have left her for dead when they first met!
Now she was telling him it was then, when she was being pampered by a rich man and his wife, that she was the most miserable?
He turned on her quickly and he expected her to cower, and yet, much to his annoyance, she stood her ground.
"Would you have been happier had I let those wolves tear you limb for limb?"
The words cut her, but she did not step down.
"You were dead and I brought you back to life. You needed a guardian and without even asking, you assumed me to be it. You were constantly getting into trouble, and only I rescued you. Naraku could have killed you easily, but I was your protector."
He didn't know what it was that was making him so angry at her, perhaps after these weeks of longing for her, wanting her...all these new emotions that she had caused...
He hated her for doing what she had done to him. She had captivated him entirely and still had the gull to throw his kindness back in his face when all he had done was asked a simple question.
"Do not insult me, wench. You are lucky that I, Sesshomaru, am so gracious to let you simply stay with me."
Rin huffed up, her eyes tearing up. Never had her eyes burned with such heated tears as these. She felt her heart breaking along with her temper rising.
"It was my choice to come back to you! I could have stayed there! I could have married Roiyaru, but I wanted to come with you!"
Rin did not know her voice was rising, nor that Jaken could clearly hear them both. She stared at him, her lower lip quivering.
Sesshomaru knew that he had hurt her. It was clearly written upon her angelic face, and yet he almost felt a twinge of satisfaction for hurting her. He had been cursed with these feelings for her, so this was the only way he could think of returning such a curse.
"I am grateful for all that you have done for me! I can't deny that m'lord. If you didn't want me around, why didn't you tell me! If I was such a burden, why didn't you just drop me off?"
She sniffled slightly and continued on with her heartbroken rant. "But you did. You left me in some village for ten years...and all I had were rumors that Naraku had killed you."
Sesshomaru cocked his head slightly, peering down the bridge of his nose at her. When he looked at her in such a way, she felt like trash. She was just some dumb girl and he some superior being. It irritated her all the more.
"And then, then you came back, but once again, you left me! I...I was..."
Her courage faltered instantly and she looked away.
Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed. "What?"
Rin looked up to him, tears now falling freely from her big brown eyes. Her eyes, so full and large. Those pink, soft little lips that were drawn in a pout. She was beautiful in Sesshomaru eyes...in a sadistic way, he found her most beautiful when upset.
"I was heartbroken," she muttered miserably, hating him just as much as she loved him.
Sesshomaru frowned slightly.
Her father's words were true then. He had broken her heart when he had left her...was he breaking it once again? The thought of her actually loving him suddenly frightened him. Though he had had her father's words in his mind for weeks, he had never actually thought she'd love him. Maybe she had been infatuated, but not in love.
"To be heartbroken, you would have to be in love Rin," he muttered snobbily, more to himself than her.
"You mortals are so pathetic with your emotions. You fall for anything. Especially you females. You trap mortal men with your words," he snapped. "You will not trap me."
Rin stared at him helplessly. Was he that ignorant? Was he that afraid of emotion to not see her falling apart right in front of him? She shook her head.
"I cannot trap you, Lord Sesshomaru."
She let out a small whimper. "I would never wish to trap someone such as you...Can't you see? I am not some vindictive woman as you seem to think I am! I love you, Lord Sesshomaru!"
She shook her head once again, ignoring the somewhat surprised expression upon his face. "And I don't care what you think anymore because you clearly could careless as to what I think! I just wanted you to know that I love you before I left," she spat out angrily.
She turned away from him, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand carelessly. "I won't be a burden to you anymore."
Sesshomaru stared at her as she walked rigidly away. Her head was held high and her shoulders back. He stood there, feeling like a fool. Yes, the Lord Sesshomaru felt like a fool.
His anger tried to flare up, but the shock of her actually confessing that she did love him blew out his temper. Such a fire in such a tiny frame! She had silenced him, and never had he felt more strongly for her then he did at that moment.
>
Rin walked into the woods, tears falling freely from her eyes. She didn't even see Jaken hiding amongst the bushes. She didn't see anything but the path before her, leading deeper and deeper into the woods. She heard nothing, nor felt anything.
Her heart was broken yet again, and her eyes were full of tears once more.
Was this the price of loving a youkai? Was it a curse to fall for someone such as them?
Rin thought back to Kagome and Inuyasha. All too often Rin had seen the girl look longingly towards the hanyou years ago. She had seen the pain in the older girl's eyes. She also knew of Inuyasha's mother and the ill fate she received for loving a youkai.
She had lost her love at a young age.
Had Rin already lost hers?
>
A/n: So she confessed...and Sesshomaru was...Sesshomaru about it. The next chapter is coming soon, I promise! It's already written and edited and everything! So review, review, review and it will be up before you know it! Thanks for all the patience guys, I love you all:P