With Or Without You
A/n: Hi everybody! Yes, it has been almost two months and I know I said I had two chapters done on my last update, and that was no lie. I actually did have this chapter done, but alas, being my worst critic, I hated it and rewrote it about three times. Finally I realized that I couldn't get everything I wanted into one chapter without smooshing it all together, or it would be five years long, lol. So instead as I rewrote it, I split this chapter so it wasn't horribly long. I mean, it's still long, but yeah...lol. I have like two trillion other excuses, but that's the biggest reason for not getting this chapter out. So the only other thing I can say is I'm terribly, terribly sorry and...Enjoy!
Chapter Nineteen
Notice Me
>
Night had fallen quicker than either of the two had expected. On opposite sides of the forest, the two sat. One crying, the other thinking. The stars above were brighter than they had ever been, the moon a large, full circle that illuminated the entire landscape. The heat of the day had dulled somewhat as twilight had fallen, yet it was still very warm.
The elegant youkai, standing near a clearing far from the meadow he had last seen Rin in, peered far off into the distance. He didn't know where she was. He didn't even know if she was still nearby. The sweet scents of the fresh air were bombarding his senses, yet none could compare the heavenly scent her skin carried.
His eyes looked up to the sky. His eyes, now golden with the silver stardust of moonlight, were full of turmoil.
So many things were telling him that his thoughts of her were wrong. The insistent voice of his younger days was screaming at him for his insolence, for his allowance of such weakness. He was just as weak as his father, just as stupid.
And yet the pain she had displayed, the tears that had fallen because of him haunted him. The hopes of her becoming some distant memory were now just an idiotic idea, for he could never forget her.
She was the only one to ever say she loved him.
The only one to say he had broken her heart.
Sesshomaru, as powerful as he was, was breaking down beneath his blank facade. The constant battle within him to stay away from her, to keep his emotions for her in check was wearing him down. She was the hardest, most challenging foe he had ever encountered and finally, as he turned away from his spot, he feared he may be losing to her.
>
Rin stood up, pushing off of the newly fallen tree which had become her perch for hours. Around her the forest was both falling asleep and awakening. An owl was emitting its haunting hoot yards away, and nearby crickets were chirping the coming of night.
It was a serene, surreal world that Rin did not fear. As a child, she learned that the night was nothing to be afraid of. It was what lurked in the darkness of the night that was worth fearing.
And yet, with Naraku gone and the fact that she was so very upset, she felt nothing like fear at the moment.
Her dark brown eyes had already adjusted to the dark hours ago. She looked around her, debating as to whether she should return to the meadow or if she should simply return to the village.
The latter had been her first decision as she had stomped away from him. She was heading back to her lovely adoptive mother and fat, jolly father. She knew that they would welcome her home. Though she would never consider marrying again, she could live the rest of her days in the village, tending to the children of busy women and the sick and elderly. She would become somewhat of a nun, maybe a priestess even, like Kagome.
She had pondered on it for hours, wondering if Sesshomaru would come after her, or if he would even care that she had gone.
As she looked about the forest, she dreaded returning to the village. The sweet, delicately warm breezes were sweeping about her as she headed through the forest. It was fairly warm for night, and she was so thankful for it.
She didn't know what she was going to say to Sesshomaru if she saw him. She didn't even know if he would still be in the clearing at the heart of the forest when she got there. All she knew was that she needed to be back.
Her eyes looked about, searching for a path or anything.
Perhaps after saying her final goodbyes to Jaken, she could move onto a different village, a village where no one knew her. She could start off with a clean slate and try to start a new life. She would forget about Sesshomaru and move on.
With a slight whimper, she knew it was a hopeless idea. Never, in a million years, could she forget him, but damn it, she would try. There was no point in loving someone who did not love you. The anticipation and excitement of containing her love for him, her precious little secret, was now gone.
Despite telling him her heart's true feelings, she did not feel any less pain. If anything, she felt more. To tell someone she loved them and then to have that feeling not returned was as if she had never said anything at all.
With a sigh of both weariness and heartache, she continued to move through the darkened forest in solitude.
>
Jaken stared blankly into the small fire before him. Hours ago, both Rin and Sesshomaru had disappeared into opposite sides of the forest. Now, alone once again, Jaken sat awaiting his master.
He looked up to the twinkling stars above. He wondered what Sesshomaru's father thought of all this. Was he laughing in the afterlife at his oldest son's ignorance? Jaken breathed in slowly, inhaling the thick aromas around him.
Though he would not speak it aloud, he was worried about the girl. It was not wise for a mortal woman to go romping about the forest at night. He heard a twig snap behind him and turned abruptly.
Nothing but a squirrel, staring just as curiously at him as he was at it.
He turned back to the fire's glow, his hope diminishing and his worry increasing.
After hearing Rin's plea, after seeing her tears, he had finally allowed himself to believe that she loved Sesshomaru. And by the look upon Sesshomaru's face, he knew that his lord had not expected such a dramatic confession.
Jaken blinked slowly, feeling sleep tug at him though his busy mind would not allow it.
"You're still awake, Master Jaken?" came her soft words.
He turned at her angelic voice and offered her a slight grin.
He was, to say the least, relieved to see her in one piece. He would not hear the end of it from his lord had she been injured. Though she was not physically hurt, her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks rosy from crying.
She moved quietly to sit beside him. She smoothly pulled her legs to her and chest and hugged them tightly. When she continued to stare into the fire, Jaken turned to it as well, pulling his eyes from her pretty profile.
For quite some time they sat there in silence, Jaken understanding her need for simple company, and Rin thankful for it.
Behind them, yards away, an owl hooted once more. The fire crackled and popped before them, and yet neither of them spoke. Rin would sniffle occasionally, but Jaken hoped her crying spell was over. He would glance at her from the corner of his eyes to happily see her eyes were still dry, though her lips would quiver with every sniffle.
She finally turned to him, but before she could speak he answered her. "He left moments after you. I don't know where he went, probably out looking for you."
Rin smiled, nodding.
"Oh," was all she said.
Jaken looked to her, debating his words. He didn't, in any way, want to upset her any more.
"What are you going to do now, Rin?" he asked slowly, thoughtfully.
Rin's eyes stared into the fire, unblinking. She didn't speak for a few moments, and for a moment Jaken thought she wasn't going to answer, but finally her shoulders shrugged slightly, and she replied with a quiet voice.
"I'm not entirely sure, Master Jaken...I don't want to leave, but I know I must. Lord Sesshomaru doesn't want me around, so there's no reason to stay," she stated sadly.
Jaken said nothing.
"I suppose I could return home, collect a few supplies from my mother and then move onto another village. I could always work on a farm, tending to the fields, or perhaps the children of a village."
Rin placed her chin upon her knees and bit her lower lip. "I don't know, I've never really been on my own before. I'm not even sure if anyone would accept me."
Jaken clucked his tongue like a comforting parent and shook his head. "Rin, you would have no problem finding your place in a new village. You would be accepted anywhere."
Rin smiled to him. "You really think so, Master Jaken?"
Jaken nodded with a stern expression. He glanced to the fire a moment before he said seriously, "Yes, but I also think that you are really supposed to be here."
Rin frowned, entranced by this sudden change of character in her small companion.
"Though Lord Sesshomaru does not say it, and though you may not see it, I have noticed things about him in these past few weeks. M'lord has changed immensely since we saw you again."
Jaken shifted in his seat slightly, poking at the fire absently with a small twig before pitching it into the fire.
"You, a meddling mortal, has gotten to my lord, Rin."
The small toad puffed up slightly, looking at her squarely in the eye. "Now you had better fix it because I do not like him this way. He isn't himself."
Rin, eyes brimming with fresh tears, nodded. She could hear Jaken's hidden message, hiding underneath his gruff tone. No one knew Lord Sesshomaru better than Jaken. She leaned over and kissed Jaken briefly upon the cheek.
"Thank you, Master Jaken."
He turned to her, cheeks a deep crimson upon his green skin. He pushed away from her, scrabbling to the opposite side of the fire. "Rin! What on earth are-"
She continued to grin, happy tears still sprinkling her cheeks. "I won't tell if you won't."
Jaken's curses silenced and with a small smile, he nodded.
Rin settled more comfortably upon the dusty earth and awaited, alongside Jaken, for Lord Sesshomaru's return.
>
Morning dawned brilliantly bright the following day.
The forest, always an early riser, woke Rin and Jaken with the whistling, busy sounds of nature. Rin snuck off to bathe nearby while Jaken started another fire for breakfast. Luckily he had caught another rabbit early the previous evening. He silently began to cook it, happy to be alone on such a nice morning.
Rin shivered, many yards away, as she quickly washed away the dirt on her in the chilling stream. It was a shallow stream, leading to a rather shallow pool. Reaching only her mid thighs, Rin sat in the water. Her teeth chattered noisily as she smoothed the water over her goose bumped skin.
She dipped her head back and let out a small gasp as the water hit her scalp. She smoothed back her bangs into one, thick mane and began to gently scrub her scalp.
The paleness of her skin alarmed her of how truly cold it was.
She dipped one final time under water before rushing to the shore. Amongst the shore, a group of tall reeds stood. There, Rin had found a small patch of sand where she could lie out, but still remain concealed.
Only yards away her clean kimono lay, and the sun was just now making its way into the sky. She could feel the warmth of the sand beneath her and relished in it. Lying down completely, she closed her eyes with a shuddering sigh.
As a child, this had been her daily routine.
She would bathe in the nearest stream, then lie out in the sun until her hair was dry. As a child, she had not feared being caught naked. Now though, every little noise alarmed her of a predator. She was constantly rising up, rigid, her dark eyes searching the stream, just barely visible amongst the reeds.
After a small frog had alarmed her for the millionth time, Rin finally lay back down. She let out a slow breath, calming herself. No one would ever roam about these woods this early. She had nothing to worry about.
She let out a small sigh, staring up into the golden slivers of sunlight between the trees above. Her heart was still constantly aching, but there was nothing she could do. Sesshomaru had clearly displayed his true feelings, and Rin had too much pride to go back and speak with him.
And Jaken's words had given her foolish heart a newfound hope. Usually Jaken would stay out of his master's business, though he'd often complain about it. But never had he spoken so kindly to Rin before. And Rin could never, ever remember hearing Jaken speak such words.
He had never mentioned of his lord feeling for another being in such a way.
Her heart beat with a new rhythm this morning, making her feel as if she still had a final chance.
The delicious scent of rabbit drifted through the woods, making her stomach growl. She sat up more casually than before. She tried to wring out the remaining dampness of her hair and peeked out amongst the reeds.
She saw nothing but the serene peacefulness of the pool. Without a sound, she pushed away the reeds and moved quickly to dress. As she tied her obi tightly closed, she let out a relieved sigh that no one had come across her.
She looked up and turned to head back to Jaken.
It was then that she noticed it.
The constant drum of the forest had died away to silence. Even the pool behind her had suddenly stilled. Living long enough in the forest, Rin knew silence was a sign of trouble. She felt her heart begin to race, but knew she must remain calm. Jaken was only yards away after all. She looked about her, yet still kept her movements as if she had noticed nothing.
She then saw a movement from the corner of her eye and jerked.
Before she could even let out a squeak, a large scaly hand covered her mouth.
>
Sesshomaru walked quietly through the woods. From somewhere nearby, he could smell the delicious scent of fresh rabbit. He assumed Jaken was already awake.
However, he was fairly worried about Jaken or food.
Throughout the entire night, he had not come across her. Her scent was off in a small clearing, but throughout the night it had slowly faded away. Sesshomaru figured he could only go ask Jaken if the small toad had seen the young beauty.
Sesshomaru felt foolish for allowing her to tramp off into the woods alone. Who knew what she could get herself into?
It was then that the hairs on the back of his neck rose, sending his instincts into overdrive. He looked about him, wondering what was wrong.
He moved towards the water, when he then caught wind of it.
It was Rin's scent, full of fear.
He raced through the thick brush towards the pond.
>
Rin kicked and squirmed against the hard body holding her. She stared down at the large hand covering her mouth, the other holding her against her capture.
"You can squirm all you want, you dirty wench. It will all be over soon. Your young, soft body will make a fine breakfast and give me so much energy," came a raspy voice near her ear. "Though I must say, you don't have much meat on your bones. Pity you're such a skinny mortal." The demon's hot breath sent chills down her spine, causing her to unconsciously tremble. Tears stung her eyes as she continued to fight against the demon's overpowering strength.
She could feel adrenaline coursing through her as she fought against him, using every limb and muscle to move away from the beast.
'I can't die...I won't die! I've got to get myself out of this!' Rin ordered herself. She opened her mouth slightly and bit down upon the demon's hand.
"Ahhh!" he growled out, releasing her mouth.
Rin took in a deep breath and cried out, "Help me! Someone help!"
The creature turned her in his arms, facing her fully.
Red scales ran all along the creature's body. His bleak, black eyes stared angrily into hers as he snarled out viciously. Rin could only guess he was some kind of lizard demon.
She began to beat his chest, twisting and pushing away from him more than ever. "Lord Sesshomaru!" she screamed out.
Sesshomaru emerged from the forest to see Rin on the opposite side of the pond, kicking and scratching a demon who held her in his arms.
"Shut up you stupid wench!" it spat out, rearing its hand back and hitting Rin swiftly across the face.
Rin fell to the ground, feet away. She held her cheek in her hand, dark raven hair falling over her eyes. Her fall was not unnoticed by golden eyes.
The lizard demon approached her slowly, leering darkly at her.
"What's a mortal like you doing out here, anyways?" he growled viciously, snatching her up by a handful of dark locks.
Rin whimpered out, exposing a busted lip and teary eyes.
"Well?" snapped the demon, pulling her face close to his. Rin sniffled softly, closing her eyes against the demon's breath.
"She's with me," came a chillingly calm voice.
The demon turned to see Sesshomaru standing feet away. The demon sneered. "You're telling me that this worthless girl is with you, a youkai?"
Rin opened her eyes and grinned as best she could with a bleeding lip. "Lord Sesshomaru!" she whispered breathlessly.
Sesshomaru glanced to her just a moment before looking back at the demon. An ebony eyebrow cocked up high as he spoke. "Release her if you value your life."
The demon tossed down Rin roughly, causing her to slam into the rough sand once again. She mewled slightly, pushing up weakly.
She slowly turned her head just as the demon cried out. Before the beast could even spark off an insult, a few slashes of Sesshomaru's whip, and the creature lay in pieces on the ground, showering Rin in a crimson rain.
Rin closed her eyes against the quick downpour before reopening them. She looked up to find Sesshomaru standing right above her. He looked down at her and without a word, gathered her up and in a white light, took her back to the forest's center.
Rin sighed happily though she knew this act of kindness was only temporary. The winds blew softly against her face as they quickly flew through the air. She could feel Sesshomaru's arm around her waist, holding her tightly to him. As she laid her head upon his shoulder, she wondered what it would be like to be held like this, and he actually mean it.
Sesshomaru looked down upon Rin as she let out a content sigh. The feeling of her small body against his was quite pleasant to say the least. He could feel the curve of body as it curled to mold against his. His heart began to race in his chest and he feared she could feel it as she lay her head upon him. Her scent, tainted by blood, blew against him before being lost to the wind.
Glancing forward, Sesshomaru frowned. His body was screaming at him to stop there and take her, to feel that body even closer against him, to breathe in all of her scents freely. Inside something told him it was right. That he had waited long enough, that now was the time to take a mate, to make her his own forever.
And then, sooner than either of them would have liked however, Sesshomaru landed in the center of the glossy field. His feet hit the ground gently, and he looked down to Rin.
"Are you hurt?" he asked sternly.
Rin shook her head, not looking at him. "No, I'm fine."
She took her sleeve and wiped away the small dribble of blood from her lip and offered him a small smile, her big brown eyes wide with innocence.
Sesshomaru slowly released her from his grip, still overlooking her for injuries.
Rin continued to smile, remembering earlier years when he had done just this. After a small scrape with death, he would overlook her quickly before releasing her to Jaken's care.
This time was different though.
Sesshomaru's golden eyes trailed a bit more leisurely over her body, and as a child she had never thought of his eyes upon her. Now they were the ignition to her desire. She could only look upon him with wide eyes, holding back her body's need to touch him. Her kimono never felt so thick, so restraining.
She swallowed hard as he finally met her gaze.
Gold and chocolate locked and Rin couldn't, for the life of her, turn away.
Neither could her counterpart.
Sesshomaru looked at Rin and saw something he'd never seen in her before.
Her eyes were so dark, so cloudy. He could feel himself falling into them, becoming lost in the foggy mist she was creating within them. A flush had come across her cheeks and Sesshomaru knew it wasn't from her last brush with death.
"Lord Sesshomaru," she whispered.
He looked at her for quite some time, wondering what was to happen next. An air of unknowing, of mystery hung on the day's breeze and it blew about the two.
Their world was shattered by a single voice.
"Lord Sesshomaru!"
Jaken came bounding towards them, tearing their gazes away from one another to him.
He caught sight of Rin, covered in blood and his beady eyes bulged. "Rin! What happened to you?" he squeaked out.
Rin smiled weakly, suddenly disliking the little toad for his neediness. "Just ran into a little trouble, I'm fine."
She looked up to Sesshomaru. "Thank you for saving me, Lord Sesshomaru."
Sesshomaru didn't respond, only glancing at her a moment before turning to Jaken. "Go get Rin a change of clothes, Jaken."
Jaken nodded without a word and headed back towards his small camp.
Rin watched him walk away, not knowing whether she should look at Sesshomaru or not. She looked down at her hands a moment. Her hands were still shaking, yet she tried to still them by holding them at her sides in fists.
Sesshomaru watched her profile, studying the turmoil within her expression. He wanted nothing more than to pull her against him, yet the expression of hurt upon her face told him not to touch her.
Rin did not mean to send such mixed signals. If anything, her thoughts mirrored his exactly.
Jaken came back quicker than Sesshomaru had expected.
He held out his arms to Rin and she quickly gathered the clothes, before turning to Sesshomaru.
"Uhm...I need to go back to the pond and wash up," she muttered meekly, blushing slightly.
Sesshomaru eyed her carefully. He couldn't leave her alone again. It was just too dangerous out here for her; plus, surprisingly, something inside him simply wanted to be around her.
He nodded slightly and started walking back towards the woods.
Rin looked down to Jaken for an answer and he nodded, his hands ushering her to follow. She smiled slightly and followed quickly behind, like an obedient child and father.
>
A/n: Yes, not very climatic or dramatic, but once again, she's with him and they are definitely noticing one another. The next chapter is more of the conclusion to this chapter.
And is the end coming soon? I wanted to finish this before school let out, and that is still my goal. Hopefully I can finish this before May 25th, lol. But at this rate, it probably won't be May 25th, 2010 until this is finished! Lol, kidding, kidding. Please review as always! XD