Nikki nervously adjusted the trim of her black suit and checked herself in the mirror. She brushed her short sideways fringe straight and touched up her makeup. Today was a day that she was not looking forward to, as escort to Barbara for Henry's funeral. She wanted with all her heart to go as her close friend as that was the role that she naturally played, but that wasn't going to be possible in the pure and unspoiled way that she wished. The only consolation was that Karen was going to come along with her and so many others. It was a shame that it took a funeral to bring all these scattered people together for a common purpose.
"Are you ready, Nikki?" came that well modulated voice right behind her. Nikki turned round with a jerk and Karen came into view. She was smiling slightly, trying to reassure her though Nikki suspected that this was her way of dealing with the situation, someone else's worries than hers.
"Just got to finish looking perfect though I don't exactly know why."
"That's so that we can face the day. Can't say I'm looking forward to it but we'll be in good company to keep each other going"
Nikki was curiously heartened as Karen's direct, warm-hearted response answered her own throwaway aside and ventured to ask the question that bothered her more than anything.
"Do I really have to put the handcuffs on Barbara? That gets to me more than anything else"
"You know what you have to do at least as far as when we get to the church. Neil's meeting us there and so, technically, with such a number of senior officers, you could allow yourself special dispensation"
Wearily, Nikki reached for her handcuffs. What must be, must be. At least it wasn't that bastard Fenner on prison officer duty.
Nikki felt so vividly that she was Barbara's friend when she went to her cell, spoke to her in her gentlest tones that she looked just fine and gave her all the encouragement she could possibly give as she sat on her bed like in the old days. It was the caring human being in Nikki that was uppermost in her and she could almost forget that she was wing governor. She swallowed down her own nerves to be strong for Barbara. It was what had always come naturally to her all through her life.
"You look lovely, Babs," Julie Saunders called out.
"Yeah, and give our love to Yvonne and all the rest of them…if you get the chance, I mean," Julie Johnson added, realizing at the end of her words that Barbara might be hard put to socialize with all their friends on the outside.
"You look after her, man."
Nikki smiled slightly at Denny's typical greeting. Bodybag scowled at a distance at Denny's total lack of formal respect.
"I'll try," Came Nikki's quiet response as she turned round briefly to face them. A mental flashback crossed her mind of when she had walked this way to the set of barred gates when she left to face the Court of Appeal and to gain her freedom. Barbara was there to give her a big hug and now they were both of them back here. Funny world, isn't it, she mused, her thoughts dazed and confused. Only this time, she held the keys and Karen and Neil walked some distance behind her and would be with them. Sometimes the world makes no sense.
"I have to do this, Barbara, you know," Nikki said at last at the first set of barred gates and reached for her handcuffs. At that moment, she felt like a traitor and all her well meant sympathy felt false and dishonest. She was hyper conscious of the Julies and Denny watching her every move.
"You've got your duty to do, Nikki. I understand," Barbara smiled reassuringly.
Grayling had been cheerful the other day after John had tipped him off that the LCD had decided that there was no necessity for Barbara to be tried in a faraway court and that the Home Office would be instructed accordingly.
"There's a change of plan about the transfer of that Mills woman out of Larkhall," Alison Warner snapped petulantly as she shoved a memo on his desk. "I suppose you've gone ahead with the move and now you've got to cancel it all"
"By sheer chance, I had regrettably overlooked to set the wheels in motion." Grayling grinned his broadest grin. "That makes it very convenient for all concerned"
"You're telling me that you know nothing about the way the minister has shilly shallied about? You have the knack of knowing more than is good for you," Alison Warner muttered suspiciously, fixing him with her beady stare.
"Me? I'm only here to carry out my job? Why should I know?" Grayling replied in his most disarming tones.
As she stomped off, Grayling reflected that he could do with regular fixes of decent, human company. Most of what emotional sustenance he got was from the Governing Governers on the other end of the phone, the most warm hearted and human of all was Karen. He was looking forward to getting out there among some decent human beings who, by definition, would be there.
As Grayling straightened his tie he was in a somber mood as he readied himself to leave his office. The reality of the funeral was hitting home. He remembered a long time back to when he first had dealings with Henry Mills who was a thoroughly decent, upright man who was untainted by the world and had been fortunate to find himself that secure corner in an increasingly valueless world. Barbara was another of the same kind. It seemed a cruel irony that Henry's life was cut short and that Barbara stood accused of his murder. It seemed grossly improbable to him. He finally disconnected himself from the electronic universe when he clicked off his computer and left his in tray with a pile of papers in it. Alison Warner's reminders could wait till when he got back. He must not be late, he vowed to himself. Getting to the church on time felt as important as getting to the highest level meeting on time. He sensed that his role was to mingle, be inconspicuous and to be generally supportive.
As they had got out of the car Nikki had pretended that she was keeping close to Barbara and tried to ignore that hated band of metal round her wrist which bound her to Barbara. She had arrived at just the right time before a line of cars could assemble the length of the kerb outside. As Karen kept them company, she was glad to look back and see Helen's car pull up and, as she came in view, it seemed about the right time to slip the cuffs off.
"Jesus, I've hated locking up Barbara to me more than I could ever say," Murmured Nikki to Helen.
"I've been there. I had to do the same once for Monica Lindsay," Helen's gentle understanding voice answered. She had seen Nikki's tense face and really felt for her. Nikki remembered that of course, she was banged up in her cell once when Helen had come back from Spencer's funeral and she remembered how desolate she sounded.
"Hi, Barbara," Helen smiled with the most cheerful smile she could summon up and the reality of their surroundings in the churchyard started to hit home. She wasn't the only one where the reality of the tragedy was starting to hit home.
Yvonne came into view next and smiled her tightest smile at Barbara, said a few meaningless words and passed on. For once, she didn't crack a joke. She was dressed at her smartest, befitting an Atkins. Churches meant bad news to her as they were about weddings and funerals and her wedding hadn't exactly ended up all hearts and flowers. Her heart gave a wrench as this was where Ritchie's funeral took place and it brought back painful memories despite her best efforts to push them away.
"The judge isn't here?" questioned Yvonne of Grayling who was nearest to her.
"He would have wanted to be here, Yvonne but regrettably, he has to keep his distance in view of the trial. I had reason to speak to him of another matter and he mentioned this to me. You understand"
Yvonne nodded but only accepted this as a fact. Whatever the judge did was right because of the man, not because of some ancient bleeding ritual. She knew better than to fight it.
Presently, the rest of them started to arrive and each of them looked all around them. Was it only four months ago that this church had given birth to the blend of orchestral sounds, played and sung, which had blasted upwards and outwards to the very rafters to celebrate the creation of life itself? Jo, George, Roisin, Cassie, Grayling, Crystal , Josh, Nikki, Helen and Karen and Barbara briefly mingled around outside and looked nervously at each other with a distinct reluctance to go inside. It seemed a cruel irony to come back to the very same church to mourn the death of Henry whose incredibly kind words had so generously blessed that incredible performance. It is a perfectly natural desire to nostalgically revisit the scene of one's triumphs in life although there is a tendency for a slight let down feeling that the scenery remains the same but people either move on or change or both. There is enough of the original bouquet of experience to still smell fresh even years later. Today was not such a time. This assembly was about the grim finality of death which even Christians are hard put to be philosophical about. Certainly, as Barbara entered the church and heard the smoothly flowing organ chords resonate through the steep vaulted church, she not as much spoke but words were forced out of her. "Why is she playing the organ? It should be me." "I don't know what to say, Barbara but for what it's worth, we're all here for you," Nikki's very hesitant voice groped for a glimmer of failing inspiration. A brief background murmur of assent around them momentarily steadied Barbara for that vital moment.
A young vicar was there in Henry's accustomed place. Barbara dared not look at him but filed her way to the front of the pews, on the right hand side and the others filed in to their pews. Yvonne, sitting between George and Roisin, noted cynically that none of Henry's family deigned to turn up. Bastards. Whatever the arguments there may be in Henry marrying the 'wrong' woman, families should stick together. The high and mighty stuck up toffs could at least pretend to care for Babs. Henry was different, a real gent and it seemed a shame to Yvonne that such a lousy shitty could have happened to him.
The funeral hit Jo hard. This death was of the man whose widow ought to have a chance to grieve and not be incarcerated for something that she was not responsible for. The words of the sermon were jumbled round in a meaningless blur. George glanced sideways at Jo and could read her emotions from the tell tale tremor of her lips. It was just as well that she was there and still more, in helping Jo with the case.
"I know what you're feeling, darling," she whispered, laying a hand on Jo's. "but you're not on your own. Take a look around you"
George had gained a measure of strength in palpably feeling all the Larkhall women around her. It recalled the feelings of the Lauren Atkins trial when, in her unexpectedly gauche way, she had gained emotional sustenance from them. At one time, she would not have dreamed that she could relate to the word 'sensitive', not when she thought that a steel hard emotional armour would see her through. An occasion like this heightened the minute details of awareness of what was around her and fortunately, fate came to her rescue. Helen was in the row ahead of her and to one side and she turned round and smiled briefly at them. George was right and she got the comfort that she needed.
The rhythms and the phrases of the vicar's sermon were ancient memories to Helen from when she lived at home with her father who was a Scottish minister. Only the accent was different. It meant that her mind could run free. She turned round to see George comfort an obviously distressed Jo and her thoughts lighted upon what John had said about George. Jesus, she would never have suspected that the apparently confident, demonstrably strong woman who was at the top of her own profession could have been the one time potential suicide when her daughter was born. That was an eye opener but then again, people change. She had, for one, as without such a change she would not be living with Nikki. What was an utterly startling revelation was that George came close to repeating this last April and it was the now very broken up Jo who had saved her, not George herself. Where was she when all this was going on, she questioned herself? She finally placed a memory for the event. It must have been a bit after she and Nikki had a gorgeous meal with Karen and George. She was the perfect host and in good spirits. She'd even talked with Karen who was so happy at the time with George. The rather strained stoical woman sitting the other side of her from Nikki wasn't the same woman either. She shook her head in wonder. Perhaps God was right after all as all the vast knowledge of the human race is imperfect. She's the psychologist after all. It was her profession to know people.
Sitting behind Helen, it was only when the vicar paused and addressed the congregation in terms of the man, not the religion that Jo's vision and hearing suddenly became focused and it seemed that someone threw the 'on' switch in her mind.
"I wish to say a few words about a colleague and distant friend of mine, Henry Mills." the young vicar broke in to the more personal part of his service. "You may have not known too much about what was a very modest man who was the last to laud his own achievements. From what I know of him, he would not have thought that he had done anything special with his life, that he had done no more than God demanded of him. With the dearest respect, he would for the first time in his too short life, he would have been wrong. I knew him first when I was a very new vicar, uncertain of what my role is in an age old religion that is facing a fast changing world that offers challenges as never before. Do I merely retread the well-worn paths and rely solely on the equally well-worn texts that have been handed down from generation to generation, I asked myself? God's answer manifested itself in the example of Henry Mills, whose kindness and compassion and willingness to reach out to any human being in distress is unequalled in my experience. Henry was happily married, first to his first wife and then to Barbara and it was not his destiny to be a parent but from what I know of him, he would have been a good father"
The young vicar, earnest and nervous, coughed a bit and wound into the brief finale.
"I am aware that these are highly personal recollections but I trust that there is something in what I have said that all of Henry's friends and relatives, from all walks of life might recognize"
A deep profound silence could be heard in the church but the very nervous vicar was pleased to tell from the intent expressions on the congregation that he had hit the right note. There was a subtle difference between this and the expressions of the normal congregation who let the familiar words and their rhythms flow over them.
"Ahem, I forgot to mention it earlier but I was wondering if Mrs Mills might say a few words for us.
An electric shock ran through Barbara. A part of her had not expected that had just about got herself prepared to be part of the audience although on the front row and the focus of attention. In so many services, she was tucked to one side of the front of the church and her fingers gently played on the well-worn keys in the organ, which towered up and around her and whose tall metal tubes carried the richness of the music all around her. She was stuck on the front pew. In that fraction of a second, a contrary determined impulse took control. She had to say what came into her mind, for Henry's sake. With determined strides, she walked along the ancient flagstones and climbed the short steps to the pulpit. She adjusted her glasses before speaking.
"I'm totally unprepared for this so I hope everyone will bear with me as I'm not the one normally to stand in the pulpit and speak. I want to say how pleased and supported I feel that so many of my close friends have come today to share our memories of Henry. I know that there are friends of ours who would be if they could but I know that they are here in spirit"
"The Julies and Denny." Whispered Nikki.
"…….I must say how touching are the words so kindly spoken about Henry and the strange thing is that he probably never knew the influence he had on people. He would have denied it in his dear way"
Barbara clutched for a handkerchief as her eyes spotted the ominous shape of the wreath bedecked coffin in front of her. The associations were too strong and everyone's hearts went out to her as she hesitated. With a final access of strength, she carried on.
"Anyway, I just want to express my feelings about how precious and rare true friendship is. Whether you give or receive it, you are indeed fortunate and you must hang onto it as something to be prized above everything else, ambition, fame"
At this point Grayling nodded his head in approval. He had worshipped such false gods for so long before he had seen the light, not in any theatrical sense but gradual exposure to decent people.
"…….wealth, power and career. It is worth nothing in the long run….. Anyway, just to finish up, I would like you to sing a hymn that was a favourite of Henry's and the words were written by William Blake and it is about faith and struggle. It is Jerusalem."
The swelling organ chords sounded in the introduction and the clear singing tones of the congregation carried out into the dark vastness of the church, with definite shades of "The Creation" and the "Larkhall Tabernackle Choir" and all such experience of feeling in between.
"And did these feet in ancient times.
Walk upon England's mountain green.
And was the Holy Lamb of god,
On England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the countenance divine,
Shine forth on our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among these dark satanic mills?
Bring me my bow of burning gold,
Bring me my arrows of desire.
Bring me my spear : O clouds unfold,
Bring me my chariot of fire.
I shall not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand,
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land."
At a nod from the vicar, the footmen who had waited patiently by swung up the coffin and the congregation filed solemnly and sadly behind and out of the church mixed with feelings that something of Henry's spirit would be carried on. A very attentive audience drew upon the words spoken and each adapted the meanings for their own.
The light was dazzling as they filed into the churchyard. Memories at this point became disjointed of the traditional litany spoken over the gradually descending coffin of "…..earth to earth, ashes to ashes…" They stood around in contemplation as the first clods of earth were thrown into the gaping hole. It was a time for hidden reflection for all of them, for all of their futures.