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Chapter Two: Your Evil Laugh and Grin (Foreword by the Witch King)
It was during my long stay in Angmar when I first developed an evil laugh. I remember it well:
I was walking alone in one of the many dark, moldy, and slightly foreboding hallways, deciding how much to hurt Khamul for starting our annual meeting without me. Suddenly I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.
Instantly, I spun round to see what creature dared disturb the King of Angmar. The creature, as it turned out, was a rabbit. A very skinny rabbit, with dusty grey fur, and large pointed ears. (I learned later that it was part of an "'experiment' by one of the orcs involving a cave troll, said rabbit, a warg, and a fell-beast. I did not enquire further.)
My first reaction was shock. Why was there a rabbit inside what was known to be the most evil place in Arda? Rabbits were generally known to be soft, cute animals. The inside of Angmar—nay, everywhere in Angmar and anything associated with it-- is not soft and cute!
My second reaction was anger. This is supposed to be a fortress! What kind of fortress is infiltrated by rabbits? Who oversaw the building of this thing, anyways? Oh, yes. Well, who designed it then? Oh, yes.
I was going to have a word with the guards. A word involving the blade end of my sword. They would regret the day they let a rabbit slip past them!
I then had a brain wave. Why not try to catch the little bugger? Then nobody else would know that Angmar had been invaded by hopping animals! It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. If I only had known how wrong I was.
So, I lunged forward at the thing. The rabbit, upon learning that a Wraith Lord was out for its blood, shot down the hallway like an arrow, with me sprinting after it. Not the most flattering picture.
I blame the rest on Khamul. It was his fault that I was irate. It was his fault my mind was not working properly.
One of my brethren, Ji Indur to be exact, was turning a corner that led into the section of hallway I currently occupied. The rabbit, seeing this new obstacle, swiftly leapt to the side of the hallway and continued its harrowing journey through the passages and corridors of Angmar. I, not blessed with its nimbleness, careened headlong into a very surprised Wraith.
This whole spectacle was witnessed by Akhorahil, Ren, and Adunaphel, who subsequently burst out laughing.
In my panicked mind, only one thing registered. The sound of laughter. Ren's laugh was rather nasally, Akhorahil had a deep, bass voice, though he had a habit of hiccupping whenever he drew breath, and Adunaphel gave out a variety of snorts, which went up and down the musical scale.
In an attempt to regain whatever dignity I had left, I drew myself up, straightened my robes and declared that we all needed laughing lessons.
There was a moment of complete silence, and then they all started up again. Even Ji-Indur, who had apparently recovered from being flattened, joined in.
I lost it then. "SILENCE!" I shrieked, attempting to drag enough poise into the command to save myself from another laughing incident.
They stopped. No one dared oppose the Lord of the Nazgul when he was angry.
"This is an embarrassment!" I cried. "From now on we will practice our laughing, so when in public, we will not humiliate ourselves with such senseless… snorts."
I noted with alarm that they were barely holding it in now. Quickly, before I lost them completely, I went on to say, "We will begin on the morrow. Any questions?"
None of them answered. Which was just as well. I could tell if they opened their mouths they would lose control.
"Good. Tell Khamul, Dwar, Hoarmurath, And Uvatha. We will start at sunset," I finished grandly. And before any of them could say a word, I swept out of the hall.
To tell the truth, the lessons were not a great success. We all eventually developed, good—or is it bad?--, evil-sounding laughs, but the road there was rather bumpy. We probably scared many an orc who heard us.
As for the rabbit, I do not know what became of it. The first predatory creature it came across probably ate it.
And good riddance.
— The Witch-King of Angmar
Your evil laugh and grin are very important. While they are not necessary in a villain—and sometimes, you can be more intimidating without one (see Darth Vader)—if you really want one, then you need to do it properly. There is nothing more embarrassing than having a bad evil laugh. You simply cannot keep your dignity after producing a spectacular cackle in front of a victim, and then hiccupping.
Other humiliations include your voice breaking, giggles, snorts, drool, losing control of your laugh so you can't stop, gasping for breath, etc. You can avoid all of this, however, by reading this chapter.
Many villains make the mistake of thinking that if you have the laugh, you have everything. This is wrong. Use of the face is one of the most important things—you can have a perfect laugh, but if your eyes do not glow with insanity, if brow does not darken and / or furrow, if your eyebrows do not come together, then the laugh will be completely ineffective.
You should practice in front of the mirror to ensure that none of the aforementioned humiliating circumstances occur, and that you have all the facial expression you need.
However, if you are caught practicing in front of the mirror, your reputation will be ruined. The best solution is to kill anyone who finds you. This will not only send a clear message to others to not come into your chambers / lair unannounced, but it will obviously silence the intruder. Do not torture the intruder. This will make them resentful, and they will be even more likely to tell your little secret.
Do not hesitate to kill your right-hand man / woman. They are obviously not worthy of that title if they burst into your chambers / lair without warning. And if you kill them, don't worry. No one is indispensable. Darth Maul was replaced by Darth Tyrannus, Darth Tyrannus was replaced by Darth Vader, Lucius Malfoy was replaced by Bellatrix Lestrange, and Bellatrix Lestrange was pushed aside. There are thousands of examples. In fact, you should not even have a right-hand man / woman. You will come to depend on him / her, and when they die (and die they will), you don't want to be left helpless (for more information on the subject on minions, wait a few more chapters).
But back to the laugh. Practicing in front of the mirror, while it can be hazardous, is usually the best thing to do. Your evil grin is much more practical—it makes no noise, and therefore you cannot be overheard.
The pitch of your laugh is also important. Lord Voldemort's laugh is a good example of what not to do— although cold is definitely the way to go, high is not. You cannot intimidate anyone but a Muppet with a high laugh. Deep, cold, threatening, ominous, foreboding, triumphant, etc. is the laugh you want.
But don't underestimate the grin. You will use it much more than the evil laugh, and therefore it must be perfected. Everyone will see it—your minions, your victims, your enemies, your arch-enemy, etc. It needs to be perfect. Therefore, try not to eat foods that will stick in your teeth (which, for a full effect, should be pointed; see Dracula).
There is nothing more humiliating that finding out after a long day of grinning that you have an enormous piece of apple stuck between your teeth. Not only is it messy, but you should not be even eating apples. Apples are not an evil food (see the chapter on Your Evil Diet).
So make sure, after each meal, that you have nothing in your teeth. If you are unfortunate enough to have braces, you can a) force your orthodontist take them off and then torture him / her to insanity, b) not ever open your mouth, or c) wear a mask (see Darth Vader).
Your evil laugh and grin will probably accompany each other. You need to find the best way to merge them. You cannot simply grin and then laugh—there needs to be something in between. In a torturing-a-victim scenario, the best thing to due is to grin, say the curse / activate the torture device / order the torturer to begin, and then, as soon as the torturing has begun, laugh. In a sharing-an-evil-moment-with-minions scenario, the best thing to do is grin, say a witty comment / insult / threat regarding a) an enemy who is being fooled or is being foolish (see Cornelius Fudge), b) the person you just killed / tortured, c) the person you are about to kill / torture, or d) your enemy / arch-enemy, and then laugh evilly.
Make sure your minions laugh too—if they don't, torture, threaten, or kill them (it is best to share your evil moment(s) with only a select few minions). In a celebrating-a-huge-victory scenario, the best thing to do is grin, point to the dead body / bodies, and laugh.
Again, you do not need to have an evil laugh. However, an evil grin is essential, unless you wear a mask. If you wear a hood that covers the upper half of your face(see Darth Sidious / Emperor Palpatine), a grin is doubly important because it is the only thing people are looking at, and, other than your voice / laugh / weapons / threats, is the only thing you have to make an impression on them. But if you do laugh, laugh correctly, or forever feel the shame.