Disclaimer: We own nothing.

Lord Tarran:

Natalie: Hmmm… I think we'll use Jafar either for the chapter on mascots (that parrot is so awesome) or spying (he had that huge set-up just to see where the heck Aladdin was) or intimidating voice (especially when he says 'The Diamond in the Rough'). Thanks for the compliments and suggestions!

Sarah: Jafar is a good idea. Lots of people know the Disney characters
so we won't have problems with people being confused. I'm the forward
writer, so I'm gonna have to get in character! I need to watch the movie again…

Time Twist:

Natalie: I searched for the Evil Overlord's Handbook, but I couldn't find it. Could you send me the URL? It sounds very funny… and Sarah and I have already agreed to have Cruella DeVille write the foreword for the chapter on 'Your Evil Wardrobe.' I mean, she skins puppies to make fur coats. You can't have a wardrobe more evil than that. Unfortunately, I haven't heard of Battlestar Galactica, although it sounds vaguely familiar. Same with Babylon 5. –looks guilty- However, I did see my first two Star Trek episodes a few days ago (Spock is so cool!), so we'll probably be mentioning the Klingons...

Sarah: Sorry I don't know either of those. But we'll definitely do
Cruella DeVille. I'm gonna have fun writing her character... -evil
laugh-

Chapter Three: Recruiting Your Minions (Forward by Lord Voldemort)

I have been asked to discuss the topic of finding minions. It has been brought to my attention (from a very reliable source) that it has been stated that I don't "go knocking on people's doors, handing out flyers.

He does things quietly. Blackmail, threats, bribes, promises of power..." Through the utter crudeness of this remark, we can decipher the delicate truth on which it was based.

If I was "handing out flyers," where would that have gotten me? Straight into Azkaban, before you could yell Avada Kedavra! That would have done me no good at all. I'd have to escape from the prison, get myself established and start all over again with gather followers. By that time I would be so old there wouldn't be much point anyway.

The real way to get dedicated followers is to start out young. That's what I did, and so far hardly any have turned on me. Of course, the ones who did didn't get very far, but as it is said; it's the thought that counts.

Look for the ones who are unhappy with the current situation of their world. Offer to change it, to make it better, to give them the power to make it better (the key word here is power). They will be at your side in an instant.

Once one has infected, or persuaded the mind of a future minion, one must keep them on your side. If you hurt them too much, or be too demanding, they might just betray you to your enemy. This balance is a fine art, and it is very unlikely that you get it right the first time. Don't be discouraged. Eventually you will hit gold.

Another point. Don't call them minions! This will farther distance them from you and possibly breed resentment. A 'follower' is a good term to use (of course, when among the high class company of other Dark Lords, feel free to call them fools, minions, vulgar little pimples, etc.).

Keep them in check. A minion, or follower, must be watched at all times. If you are to be gone a long period of time, make sure that someone you can trust to do the job will keep them in order. You do not want to come back to your lair to discover that your minions have staged an uprising. I enjoy putting Bellatrix in this position. She would never dream to try and overthrow me.

As I have said, do not distance yourself too much from your followers, or get too attached to them either. A minion is a tool, a very unreliable and dangerous tool, but also a very powerful one. Use them well.

-- Lord Voldemort

This will be one of the most delicate operations of your career. If you are found recruiting minions for evil purposes, your plans we be destroyed

before they have been set into motion.

This is not the only danger. You might choose a minion that is a spy or a particularly stupid or defective one (see Crabbe and Goyle). You might

choose a minion that has plots of his own a dangerous thing (see Lucius Malfoy). That minion will one day try to overthrow you. If this happens,

you must kill that minion immediately, even if he/she is your right-hand-man / woman. Again, as we have said in a previous chapter, you should not have a right-hand man / woman. He / she will bring nothing

but trouble.

So, choosing the proper minions is very important. You need to choose minions that are easy to control, but not so will-less that they will not

know what to do in battle, or, worse, will try to run from battle (see

Stormtroopers and Orcs). But this kind of minion is almost impossible
to find. Take a minion too smart, and he / she will try to overthrow you. Take a minion too stupid, and without your guidance they won't know

what to do. The best way to go is intelligent, but fanatically faithful (see

Bellatrix Lestrange). That way, they can think for themselves, but would never in a thousand years of darkness and torture even dream of

betraying you.

But don't to counting your torture machines before they're built. You

need to find a place to get minions before you become picky. If you

know of any 'shady places', go there. Become a regular visitor. Observe / watch / stalk people, and make sure that you know what peoples'

answers will be before you ask. You must be absolutely sure that they

will be on your side. Otherwise, they may a) tell your enemies of your

plans, or b) plan to stop / betray / kill you.

If you don't know of a 'shady place' to go, you need to watch people who are discontent with their place in the world / galaxy / dimension.

Watch for people who feel that they are downtrodden or under-appreciated (see Anakin Skywalker). Don't be afraid to look in unlikely

places. Discontents may include government workers who hate the

President / Prime Minister/ Grand Moff / Supreme Overlord of Ultimate

Power / etc., or an atheist minister, or a Little League coach who hates

the snotty-nosed children he is forced to work with every hour of every

day of every week, just to lose EVERY GAME TO EVERY TEAM, ALL OF WHICH ARE UNDEFEATED NO MATTER HOW MANY OF THEM THERE

ARE, AND-- (see the chapter 'How To Monologue').

In short, discontents are everywhere. You just have to discreetly exploit

them (see forward by Lord Voldemort). 'Discreetly' is the key word here.

Good techniques include blackmail, threats, bribes, promises of power,

etc. But don't use these techniques too much-- any minions who are

just in it for the power (as opposed to the killing, torture, etc.) will

become discontent quickly. And if they are smart enough, they will

betray you.

If you're a real loner, you can attempt to get by without your

minions. This is not a good solution. You'll have no one to do your

dirty work, no one to run errands, no one to help you conquer the world. Remember, not only was Angmar not built in a day, but it was also

not built by one person. Minions ARE a necessity.

Quote of the Day:

"We shall recruit the pigeons to join us in our hellish crusade! But only the ones with pink eyes."

Lord Voldemort¹

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¹GOF, first draft

Natalie Note: Hehehehe… sorry about that Quote of the Day, but I couldn't resist…