Yvonne's sleepy ears picked out the faint sounds of Lauren getting up first thing only a little later than normal even though she had the morning off work. She was quieter and neater round the house than she used to be before Lauren had been brutally snatched away from her. How many times had Yvonne cursed the way she used to leave a shoe or pair of shoes lying about the furthermost corner of the house, forget about it and then whinge on at her about it? Life should have been better when the two of them started sharing the house. Indeed it had been but there were still these petty arguments from time to time. They used to loom large at a time when Yvonne forgave her for working so hard and so long, not knowing that she had been stalking Fenner. Shooting and burying alive even a total bastard like him was just ever so slightly more important than being a pain of a domestic slob. Yvonne noted sleepily with satisfaction that Lauren's year in prison had at least given her a sense of self-discipline. It had to be that way, she remembered, when what little of your private belongings was squeezed into a shared wardrobe where space was precious. Leaving personal belongings carelessly around wasn't the safest thing to do as things had a nasty habit of disappearing. Larkhall wasn't exactly some five star hotel with your own room service. She should be grateful that at least some good had come out of a year being snatched out of her life with Lauren being away. Of course, when Charlie was around, everything around was perfect. Appearances had to be kept up, from makeup to meals on the table. It had to be or she would suffer the consequences behind closed doors. The house and everything and everyone had been kept in proper order.Yvonne shivered at the memory and not because, in late October, winter was well and truly setting in. She craved the warmth, hence the idea of the Spanish villa which Charlie had agreed to just to be flash and a showoff. She needed emotional warmth too, much though she had spent a lifetime denying it. Her bed was soft and warm and she dozed off into dreamland.
Several hours later, she was reclining in the living room when Lauren came into sight. Rain was lashing against the window and spotted the still waters of the unused swimming pool.
"I'm taking got the morning off work, mum but I'm going out in case any of the lads phone up and ask questions," Lauren informed her.
"Going anywhere special"
"The therapy session with Meg Richards"
Yvonne pricked up her ears at the way that Lauren spoke and closely scrutinized the expression on her face. There was no trace of negativity, of boredom or distaste, only as a bald statement of fact.
"How's it going, if you don't mind me being nosy"
"Be my guest. In a few words, so far so good"
"Meaning"
"She's good," Judged Lauren in her laconic but respectful fashion. "She was the one who got me to talk when I was banged up, a trial hanging over my head and withdrawing from the weird state of mind that got me to kill Fenner"
"So what things does she talk about"
"She gets me to talk about myself," corrected Lauren. "It isn't comfortable or easy on the ear. More like watching a horror film, switching off the telly and realizing that it's me all the time"
"Jesus"
"First thing I had to do was to accept that whatever she throws at me, and she does it very quietly without warning. I had to trust in her that she knows what she's doing. Otherwise, whatever the judge said, I'd have done a runner"
"That's my girl," Yvonne said proudly. Lauren's matter of fact manner was belied by the description of what she was going through. Nevertheless, she could tell that Lauren in her quiet, determined fashion would see it through to the end of the line, wherever and whenever that would be.
"I'm beginning to realize that Atkins' aren't that good on trust. Always looking over their shoulder to check out to see if someone is taking them for a ride. Smile nicely, lull them into a false sense of security and sneak up on them when they're not expecting it. Sounds a pretty paranoid way of dealing with people when you think of it"
"Makes me sound a right cow," Joked Yvonne.
"You might have sounded like that when you were in public or when Charlie was around but you always softened up when we were on our own and when Ritchie was younger. I could see it in your eyes," Came Lauren's slow deliberate answer.
"So what went wrong"
Yvonne immediately regretted the bluntness of the question. It came right off the tip of her tongue. She was apt to talk that way after years of having to watch every word when she was with Charlie.
"That's what I've been trying to figure out," Lauren said slowly. "Charlie really got into the inside of my head in a big way. He was a charmer, he dominated. I mean, he couldn't have taught me to fire a gun in the back garden when I was thirteen without him having some sort of hold over me. I mean, I grew up having more spending money than most kids. Everything I wanted materially, I could have, everything I wanted, everything except a normal life. Everything was so confusing, especially when Ritchie got into his teens. It was like listening to a television with two channels playing at once"
Lauren could see that expression of hurt and intense guilt flood across her face. She laid her hand on her mother's arm.
"Don't beat yourself up about it, OK, I know you will whatever I say. Believe me when I say that I really think that you could have done no different. It's so easy, looking backwards at what you did, or didn't do, in your life. You can go to the grave with guilt written over your heart. There must be a different solution"
Yvonne remained silent. She sensed that Lauren was on a roll in what she had to say and the occasional nod of her head would be all that was necessary.
"So what do I do at these sessions? It's like going back to school in a way but I'm not there just to listen to the teacher gas on and get a test and be marked, seven out of ten and a gold star or whatever"
Through Lauren's mind came the memory of Cassie and Roisin talking about their kids and showing their homework. God, sometimes she wished that she could return to school. Life was so easy, so certain. She envied them their innocence. That's why she loved being with them. Hers had disappeared long ago, if she ever had it. Innocence and being an Atkins didn't exactly go together.
"…….I learned recently by talking to Meg just how ingrained it is to think like an Atkins. I've got a lousy temper, I know it. Something goes off in my mind to hit back as hard as I can if I'm crossed, fair means or foul. You just don't take out the old mental programme, chuck it away and slot in a new and better one, it's not that easy. I've been away from all that shit and trying to learn how to be a better person. I have to learn to count to five and try and bottle down that blind anger and really think it through. It's not like learning to drive but unlearning one way of driving and consciously trying to learn a completely different style. It's a real strain"
"Since when has this been a problem"
"At work," Lauren replied shortly. "Some of the lads, between you and me, do daft things and, instead of behaving like an Atkins, I try and handle things differently"
"Losing your rag ain't exactly a hanging offence," Put in Yvonne.
"Once you've got the small battles won, the big ones come easily. I tell you, it's a real struggle"
Lauren gazed contemplatively into the distance while Yvonne respected that silence. They had got to that companionability where they could be silent if there was nothing to say. While they took their ease, Trigger had padded softly downstairs with big mournful eyes and flopped down on the carpet without bustling over to them and demanding to be made a fuss over. He curled himself up on the carpet, his legs splayed out.
"Trigger looks tired these days. He isn't as lively as he used to be," Lauren said casually.
"He's getting old, Lauren. It happens to all of us"
"Even you, mum?" Lauren enquired with a hint of a smile on her face.
"Cheeky sod," Yvonne retorted, grinning as she moved towards Trigger and bent over to ruffle his hair. Trigger rolled over on his back.
"Meg was talking about the way that I still lived at home," continued Lauren after Yvonne let Trigger sprawl all over the carpet. "I explained to her that I hadn't any plans to settle down. I don't exactly fancy getting dressed all in white and meekly submitting to some dickhead of a man to ruin my life like he did yours"
True, thought Yvonne. If only she knew then what she had come to learn now it wouldn't necessarily be a man that she'd be hitched to. Then again, someone like the judge was real class in every sense of the word. She had fond memories of that very special night.
"She wasn't starting to ask me was I gay or straight or whatever," Lauren explained. "It was just that she gently eased me into a corner that I had to say that it was commitment itself that I was afraid of. I'd seen what had happened to you and Charlie and didn't want the same in my life. I came out with the easy explanations that I'm happy living at home. It's true but it's not the whole picture. She quietly explained that it is perfectly natural that I wouldn't want to repeat the bad experiences of the older generation and that was what was known as learning from life. Only I can really work out what I really want out of life"
"Did she tell you that one"
"No, that's what I worked out for myself and told her. She agreed with me"
Yvonne beamed at Lauren's words. She was getting her life together, a bit at a time.
They sat companionably next to each other while Lauren's rapid mind worked out all the plans she could make in her life. She smiled with satisfaction until a face popped into her mind and it wiped the smile off her face.
"There's Denny," Lauren said abruptly in total shock. "I haven't contacted her since I got out which must be, shit, two months ago"
She put her hand to her mouth in shock. She didn't think she'd been out that long but the days had marched on relentlessly without her being aware of it. She could see in her mind's eye the hurt expression on Denny's face that she'd abandoned her. Of course, she'd been busy but that sounded a pathetic excuse to anyone banged up with too much time to brood when little things got so easily magnified out of proportion. She remembered how Denny had been there for her and her way of repaying her was to shut Larkhall out of her mind and everyone else who was stuck in there.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Yvonne interrupted, breaking the spiraling train of panic and guilt reaction.
"Do?" Lauren asked vaguely.
"You know, what your shrink told you what to do when you mess up. She must talk about stuff like that"
Yvonne's shrewd thrust went home. It was the more effective, as she was so casual about the matter. Lauren breathed in and out intensely and she looked out of the window, far beyond the garden, far away all those miles to those grey walls. She could almost see them in front of her. With an effort, she looked at her mother and her gaze gradually sharpened and focused in on her.
"Meg said that 'I should break the cycle of mistakes,'……'to not be afraid to admit to yourself if you're in the wrong' ….that 'once you've done that, it makes it easier to tell anyone else'……." Lauren said in a slow dreamy voice, her intonation that of repeating a lesson from school.
"So what does that mean, Lauren"
"I'd better visit her, no, write to her, do something to contact her, phone her." Lauren rapped out the words in a stream of utterance as she fished around for the least painful way of remedying the fault.
"You can't phone in on the payphone, Lauren," reminded Yvonne quietly.
"I'd sooner phone and talk to Denny even if she bites my head off. At least I'd know," Lauren replied firmly and decisively.
"Look, Lauren, what say I phone up Nikki and ask her to pass on a message to Denny? I wouldn't want to bother her but if it would help Denny, she'd do it"
Lauren looked back with grateful eyes. Mum had the solution.
As luck had it, Nikki was at her desk when the phone rang. The rain was beating down against her windows
"Hi, it's Yvonne. Don't want to disturb you but I wonder if there's a little favour you'd be able to do me, dead legit like"
"That's not like you to be coy, Yvonne?" Nikki retorted, grinning at Yvonne's almost exaggerated persuasion.
"It's for my Lauren. She's realized that she's messed up in pushing Larkhall and everyone in it out of her mind, and that includes Denny. She really wants to put that right and talk to her"
"So you want me to get Denny to phone you so that Lauren could talk to her"
"Something like that if you've got the time, Nikki."
"I'll make time, Yvonne," Nikki's decisive tone answered Yvonne's polite reluctance to burden an already busy Nikki with this errand. "Ten minutes maximum, eh?"
"Look, Denny, don't let your pride get in the way. It's only natural for anyone on the outside to push any thought of prison right out of their mind. I did that when I got out. I'd been out a year and Helen and I kept out of everyone's way till Yvonne walked into my club. I felt a bit funny at the time the first time I saw her even though it was lovely to talk to her.So don't you be a dozy cow and you get to that phone and talk to her. Right"
Perhaps it was the crack of authority in Nikki's voice or else the way that Nikki always was a leader but Denny walked to up to the phone without a murmur.
Yvonne had talked to Denny first briefly and Denny had accepted Lauren's sudden appearance back into her world with a mixture of bemusement and a measure of resentment until her resistance to Denny had crumbled away. She had promised to be with Yvonne next time they visit. It would piss off Bodybag a treat, wouldn't it? She could hear Denny laugh briefly just before she heard the pips, which announced that the phone card was about to run out. They gabbled their goodbyes and Lauren put the phone down.
Denny replaced the phone on the stand and her confusion showed up like a beacon for all to see, the way her brows were knitted together. It's nice to hear Lauren, her sort of sister, come back and take notice of her but hadn't she been desperately trying to get in contact with Shell. She could hardly tell Lauren that one, couldn't she?
"That's done,"Lauren said, her face glowing with satisfaction.
"Getting your life sorted out, Lauren. It works, doesn't it?" Yvonne grinned.
That self-assured expression on Lauren's face was ample answer. It remained on her face for precisely a couple of seconds until she glanced at the clock.
"Shit, I've got to see Meg in half an hour"
"But what about your makeup"
"Which matters most, the way I look or missing my therapy?" Lauren cut back.
Yvonne shrugged her shoulders as Lauren went against the basic instinct of the Atkins woman. There was no answer, was there?