Disclaimer: We own nothing.

A/N: Since Spring Break is about to start, Sarah has left to go on a skiing trip. –is jealous- So I'm writing the foreword. If it really sucks, she'll rewrite it when she gets back. Hopefully I'll be able to do OK. I guess I should count myself lucky, because Vader is one of the few villains that I like (the others being Lucius Malfoy from Harry Potter, because he's cool, Cassius from Julius Caesar, because he's like Lucius, Plubius from Julius Caesar because he has an awesome name, and Ji Indur from LOTR because he has a SUPER awesome name).

Chapter Five: Controlling Your Minions (Foreword by Darth Vader)

My master, may he never die of extreme old age, believes in patience. I do not. Patience allows officers to become lax, therefore putting your entire mission in danger through negligence. If an officer is incompetent or disrespectful, even if it is his first time, he must be seriously punished or killed.

As a method of torture or murder, I personally prefer the Force-choke. It is a low-energy way to strike terror into not only the heart of the victim, but those around him. It also has a nice dramatic effect when the victim crumples to the ground, either blue-faced, purple-faced, or dead, depending on my mood and the gravity of his mistake. I enjoy watching the shocked and terrified looks of the surrounding crowd, and the way they scatter if I so much as flick a piece of lint off of my robe in their direction.

However, there are some minions that you should not even bother to destroy. For example, if I punished every storm-trooper that made a mistake, the entire clone army would be gone. Within a month. And a short month, such as February. So I believe in killing or torturing a select few, which then keeps everyone else in line by fear (this also works well on the entire galaxy—see the Death Star and Alderaan).

Terrorizing the crew also serves a double purpose by keeping me from going insane. Have you ever been on the same boring ship, with the same incompetent officers, and the same impudent droids, and the same fool storm-troopers, and the same malfunctioning controls, and the same reckless rebels, for weeks at a time? If I didn't kill an Admiral a week, I don't know what I would do.

- Darth Vader

It is not possible to overstress the importance of the fine balance involved in keeping minions happy. And we're not over-exaggerating. If the Orcs had been treated better, then Lord Sauron would have had a shot at Middle Earth. If Lord Voldemort didn't torture or kill people at his every whim, his followers wouldn't actually flee to Azkaban prison and be happy to stay there, just to get away from him (see Lucius Malfoy, etc.). We must stress this: minions are essential, but an unhappy minion is worse than no minion at all.

So here are some suggestions on how to keep them happy:

Don't torture / kill your own minions.

Don't (as we have mentioned before) call them minions—'followers' is much more appropriate.

If you notice your minions becoming depressed, find out why.

If they are depressed because of your location (i.e.; bat-caves, grottos, small ditches by the side of the road, etc.), try to either make your lair more livable (but do not, under any circumstances, turn to Martha Stewart), or you could move.

If they are depressed because you have killed / forced them to kill family members or friends, constantly remind them that they're better off without them.

If that doesn't work, put them out of their misery, and make sure that your other minions understand that this case is a rare exception, and that you normally abide by rule # 1. And if you don't understand what 'putting someone out of their misery' means, then you are unfit to be a villain.

If people are really depressed, hold morale boosters such as torturing competitions, suggest hobbies to a particularly unhappy minion, or encourage them to learn a new and useful skill. A good skill could be archery, for your more medieval villains (see Morgan le Fey), shooting, for more modern ones (see Storm-troopers), or torturing spells / incantations (see Lord Voldemort). Anyone that tries to start knitting should be shot without trial. Not that you should be doing trials in the first place. You're running a dictatorship, not a democracy, for Lucifer's sake.

So as long as you follow those simple rules, your minions will usually be happy. However, there are always those hard-to-please ones. They tend to be more trouble than they're worth, but there are always exceptions. For example, you may have an extremely useful minion that absolutely refuses to eat anything but Peeps, the small, yellow, and despicably cute marshmallow birds. Although normally you would kill this minion without thinking, we ask you to reconsider. If that minion is a good one, don't destroy him / her / it just because he / she / it has strange dietary tendencies. Don't get us wrong—we're not preaching forgiveness or something. We don't preach anything. The very word 'preach' makes us nauseous. But anyways, don't kill your minion. Try to talk to him / her / it. Expand his / her / its horizons. But don't make the change sudden. Don't make the minion go straight from marshmallow birds to raw human flesh. Start them off with chicken. Then raw chicken (beware of disease). Then chicken blood. And so on.

But we've gotten off track. To control your minions, you need to inspire several things in them, which we have listed in order of importance:

Loyalty to you and your cause

Fear

Competence

Respect

Efficiency

Sometimes, you may think you inspire these things in minions, but you actually don't. Here are some tell-tale signs of disrespect, informality, or plots of rebellion:

Scenario One:

YOU: Walk purposefully and ominously towards a pair of minions who are playing checkers. What do you think you are doing?

MINION ONE: Oh, hey! Ya wanna play checkers? Elbows partner and winks.

MINION TWO: Yeah, it's a great game! Patronizingly. We can teach you how to play, if you want. Just don't get all upset if you lose, OK?

This is a sign of informality. A good punishment for these minions would be a four-month-long training session of Karate, which teaches discipline and respect for superiors. It would also train them to defend themselves without weapons, a skill they will be glad to have. Especially when, after that four-month-long session, you force them to fight, unarmed, with every single minion in your lair, including the large inhuman ones.

Scenario Two:

YOU: Stand with your back to your minions, looking contemplatively at something (i.e.; out of the window of your star-destroyer to the huge battlestation you are building, into a large pool that reflects the future on its surface, at the large pile of scrambled eggs the dog is devouring, etc.).

MINION: What an idiot.

This shows contempt and disrespect. A good punishment would be public humiliation, such as making him / her / it appear like a fool to the people he / she / it hates (i.e.; for a Death Eater: Muggles; for an evil pet: adorable singing woodland creatures with high-pitched voices, for a shortish minion, Santa's elves or the munchkins from Oz, etc.). Make sure your other minions understand why you are giving that punishment, and that it will happen to anyone who makes the same mistake. Then laugh ominously (see chapter two).

Scenario Three:

YOU: Using your evil powers of doom to listen in on some minions' conversation

MINION ONE: Being a minion sucks.

MINION TWO: Let's kill our master.

MINION ONE: Good idea.

The minions shake hands.

This scenario shows plots of rebellion. A good punishment would be death.

But remember, don't always rely on killing or torture as a punishment. Your minions will become rebellious, and turn against you. And whatever you do, never exile a minion. He / she / it will be able to plot treason from afar, away from your watchful eye and ready weapon. Keep your 'friends' (AKA, the people that you 'trust,' AKA, the people that you pretend to 'trust,' which is a word that should not even be in your vocabulary. For example, if someone ever says, in one of those Dramatic Moments where you're hanging off a cliff or hanging board or some such object—see National Treasure—, being kept from death only by someone holding onto your hand / tentacle / toe, and they say, 'Do you trust me,' you should say 'Trust? What is this trust you speak of?') close, but keep your enemies-that-are-really-your-minions-but-they're-plotting-betrayal closer.

Quotes of the Day:

DARTH VADER: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

ANNOYING MINION: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader.
Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen

data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort—

Is Force-choked by Darth Vader

Ack! Aaagh! Bleargh…

--------------------

DARTH VADER: Angrily. The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Ozzel came out of light-speed too close to the system.

VEERS: He felt surprise was wiser...

DARTH VADER: He is as clumsy as he is stupid. General, prepare your troops for a surface attack.

VEERS: Yes, my lord.

Veers leaves. Vader activates the view-screen, and Admiral Ozzel appears on it. Piett.

ADMIRAL OZZEL: Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of light-speed, and we're
preparing to—

Is Force-choked by Darth Vader

Ack! Aaagh! Bleargh…

----------

DARTH VADER: Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

CAPTAIN NEEDA: Is Force-choked by Darth Vader

Ack! Aaagh! Bleargh…