Disclaimer: We own nothing.
Authors' Note: Yes, we do realize that we are being horrible to Narcissa's character in this chapter but we couldn't help it. We know she's deeper than this. We know she's probably not obsessed with fashion. We know that she has feelings and thoughts and worries and fears and she loves her son and husband and wants them to be safe and that she isn't so shallow as to go happily writing about dresses and clothing and fashion while her husband is locked up in Azkaban and her son is a Death Eater running for his life as a fugitive from the Ministry. …But this is a humor fic, so to heck with all that.
Anyways, sorry for the severe lack of updates. I know it's summer but I have summer school, which sucks, and Sarah will be going on a trip soon. ):
And speaking of Sarah, she has not been doing her job, so I shall be writing several of the forewords. I apologize in advance for their terribleness, and yes, I did go a bit overboard on this one.
Chapter Six: Outfitting Your Minions (foreword by Narcissa Malfoy)
Black is back, darlings! Of course, black was never really quite gone in our circle, but it did have quite a spat I'm sure you remember where it was almost completely replaced by red. Of course some poor fools thought that purple was the new black, and of course we know how that turned out. But don't get me wrong, darlings, red is still quite a good colour. A design on the sleeve edges in red is quite a nice touch for your higher-up followers, although make the design something intimidating, darling; no flowers.
Now of course we all know that shoes are the hardest. You can't send your people traipsing about in high heels, unless of course it's part of their disguise. But I've always thought, and I'm sure you agree, that those traveling boots are ever so unbecoming for the female members of the party. By all means let the men wear them, but we ladies like a bit of style, as it were. I've come up with what I think is quite a brilliant little plan, and very simple too, darling. All you have to do is line the inside with some fur—which of course kills two phoenix with one curse by keeping the feet warm—and make sure it's good fur, darling, because believe you me, we ladies can tell the difference between Hippogriff and Unicorn. Then depending on the lady, you may want to make a little design along the top edge of the boot (and of course the top must be flared, it is the latest trend). I say depending on the lady because of course I would love to have maybe a simple Devil's Snare design along the edge of my boots, but my dear sister Bellatrix would of course object to anything so weak—in her opinion—as a vine, and would much rather have snakes. Of course all these designs needn't all be in red; you may have a color that you prefer. Of course the Dark Lord does have a liking for green and silver obviously, but you may want a nice deep blue—but of course that won't show up well on the black—or a gold, but Grindelwald forbid you have a liking for pink (of course I do adore pink but I can't wear it nearly as much as I'd like, being married to my husband, who is one of the followers of the Dark Lord. Unfortunately pink has no place in our circle). So remember darlings, even though black is back, you do want to spice it up a bit!
Narcissa Malfoy
Although it may not seem like it, outfitting minions is an extremely tricky thing to do. Many villains have underestimated it, and have not bothered to take the time to do it correctly. However, outfits and uniforms are how your subjects, enemies, and victims will think of you. You need something that is intimidating and easily recognizable. But you have to make sure not to go overboard. A good uniform must be practical. For your convenience, we have made a list of what not to do.
Do Not Do:
long robes or capes that are easily caught in or on doors, windows, levers, etc. (see Syndrome)
Heavy armor that is hard to walk in
Awkward clothing in general that hinders your abilities to do things in general
tall hats that look like dunce caps or KKK uniforms that can bang against the top of doorframes and give you away at crucial moments and that make you look foolish anyway (see Death Eaters)
Under No Circumstances Whatsoever Do:
Pink
Frills / lace
Bunnies, butterflies, flowers, squirrels, musical notes, etc.
'Smiley' faces
My Little Pony
Cross-dressing
Basically, what you want is something that is practical but intimidating, evil yet not over-done. An excellent example of the perfect minion outfit is the storm-trooper's uniform. A storm-trooper wears armor that is not black, an unusual but useful strategy; white does not absorb as much sunlight as black, and therefore the storm-troopers did not fry as they fought. The armor is also lightweight but durable. And the storm-trooper carries no unnecessary items: his inventory is made up of only essentials such as a blaster, medical kit, disposable and environmentally friendly (a very important feature when it comes to fanatic members of the Green Party) diapers, etc.
Unfortunately, several Dark Lords and Ladies, while brilliant in strategy and warfare, have made disastrous mistakes in the office of uniforms. One example is Lord Voldemort, also known as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who, The Man Who Let the Boy Live, and the Dark Lord (we will not be calling him that, because in the context of this book we will make several references to many Dark Lords, and, much as all of them would like it, they are not the only ones of their kind. There is a Dark Lord or Lady in every galaxy, dimension, world, story, neighborhood, etc., and it would be too confusing if we called them all The Dark Lord / Lady.). Anyways, Lord Voldemort is a brilliant and slightly insane (always a good combination) tyrant. He had everything: the laugh, the totally evil reputation of doom, the fanatically faithful followers (say that ten times fast), the power, the money… everything. But he blew it. Big time. His highest-ranking followers, the Death Eaters (not a name to be taken literally, especially because Lord Voldemort is a tad obsessed with immortality), who should have had the most intimidating uniforms that strike fear into the heart of every innocent bystander, wore pointy hats. Pointy hats. Pointy, tall hats, reminiscent of dunce caps. These hats break almost every rule we have set down previously in this chapter:
They bang easily against the top of doors to give you away
They scrape against the ceiling in low-roofed houses
They are awkward
They are tall hats that look like dunce caps or KKK uniforms that can bang against the top of doorframes and give you away at crucial moments and look foolish
However, as we have heard from an inside source who wished to remain anonymous, these hats are quite useful for storage¹. But this does not make up for the total indignity any respectable evil person would feel when wearing it. We strongly suggest that Lord Voldemort re-design his Death Eaters' uniforms, and we beg anyone who tells him this not to inform him that it was us that said it. And if you do, make sure you mention U-No-Poo while you're at it, so that his wrath will be directed towards the Weasley twins, and not the authors of this extremely helpful guide.
Quote of the Day:
Eeeheeheeheeheeheehee! Hats! ¹¹
-Sarah Douglas, Dark Lady – in – training and co-author of this guide.
¹ go to http/acciobrain. quote is taken out of context, and the authors would like to assure you that the person quoted is not insane. At least not very.