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A/N: Sarah is now on her trip, so I will be writing the forewords for a while. And FYI, Cruella's foreword is the next chapter. I know you've been waiting for some Disney villains...
Chapter Seven: Your Evil Theme Song (Foreword by Erik, the Phantom of the Opera)
Adagio… Allargando…. Crescendo… FORTISSIMO! PESANTE! PRESTO! STRINGENDO! VIVACE! Decrescendo… Diminuendo… Espressivo! Andante… Assai Presto… FORTISSIMO! FORTISSIMO! FORTISSIMO! Decrescendo… Meno mosso… Accelerando, Allargando, Allegro, DA CAPO! FORTISSIMO! FORTISSIMO! CHRISTINE! FORTISSIMO! Grave… Morendo… FORTISSIMO! Poco a poco… Affrettando, Allegro, Brio, FORTISSIMOOOOOOOOO!
Finé.
-Erik
While a theme song is not essential, it is still important. If you are an evil emperor, empress, or dictator, your trumpeters / heralds / rappers will need to perform your theme song at every major event you go to. For example, the president of the United States has 'Hail to the Chief.' The Queen or King of England has 'God Save the Queen / King'. And so on. Most leaders have their own theme song (although they don't usually call it that). And if you look at 'Hail to the Chief' or 'God Save the Queen', you will see that they are both relatively short, simple songs. They set an excellent example. You're theme song needs to be simple, short, and have a mood to it that is easily recognizable and slightly intimidating. If possible, it should be catchy, but not the kind of stuck-in-your-head-humming-it-as-you-walk-down-the-street-in-a-good-mood kind of catchy.
Unfortunately, neither 'God Save the Queen' or 'Hail to the Chief' have quite the mood that you will want in your theme song. However, the Imperial March is a perfect model. It is relatively short, very memorable, has the right mood to it, and, most importantly, has no words. Nevergive your theme song words, unless it is in some Dark Tongue that no one but you and your elite know and is similar to some kind of evil incantation. Here are some examples of how badly you can mutilate a song:
Example One: Imperial March.
Status: Model Theme Song
If words are added:
The
Emperor i-i-is co-o-ming.
The Emperor i-i-is co-o-ming.
If you
are not
Do-o-o-o-ing your job
Then you shou-ou-ould start
now
o-or else you will die.
New Status: Absolutely Dreadful
Example Two: Hawaii 5-O
Status: Excellent Instrumental
If words are added:
Ha-ah-ah-ah-waiii-iii
Is
the place to beeeee
Ha-ah-ah-ah-waiii-iii
Is the place to
beeeeeee
You-ou-ou should really go there
I-i-i-it's so much
fun
Ha-ah-ah-ah-waii-iii
Is the place to beeeee.
New Status: Brain-meltingly Awful
Example Three: Beethoven's Fifth
Status: Inspiringly Evil-Sounding Symphony
If words are added:
This
cool theme sooooong
Means I'm eviiiiil
New Status: Kill Me Now
So here is an overview of the basic rules:
-Keep it short and simple (no more than three kinds of instruments)
-Don't add words (unless in Black Speech or some such language)
-Don't add sound effects (i.e.; explosions, screams, wind, giggles etc.)
-Try to keep it in the lower range (high notes should be used sparingly)
-Keep the right mood (intimidating)
-Under
no circumstances should you take the tune of your song from a
popular TV show or movie, and under no circumstances should
you have the latest pop band perform it in concert. Can you imagine
N'Sync playing the Imperial March?
Quote of the Day:
"Start at the beginning of the over-sung pop ballad—I mean, at the beginning of the aria."
--Conductor no one can remember the name of ¹
¹From Phantom of the Opera. And the quote is from the parody of it; the 15-Minute Phantom of the Opera.