It had always fallen to the Julies to take on responsibility for the little treats and comforts of prison life. Many years ago, one of their kinder gestures had been in smuggling in a plastic bag full of cigarettes and chocolates to where Nikki was banged up in segregation after the row over Carol Byatt's miscarriage. A regular one was in commemorating birthdays. Somehow, it was the two of them that remembered them and organized everything. Anyone else could have done it but it took their very special kindness, thoughtfulness and memories to do it. Somehow, it was an accepted feature of prison life to leave it to the Julies. When Nikki took over as wing governor, she needed no familiarization tour of G Wing to be briefed as to some of the idiosyncrasies of prison life. Some she knew to be as she remembered them. The rest, she learnt as she went along.
It was Monday, November 7th when the Julies were closeted in their cell. Julie Saunders was lazily twirling her favourite biro with the green plastic spiky decoration at the end. She was deep in thought wondering if she should write a letter to her David. The vision of him grew vague, the way she had last seen him at his school concert. How proud she was of him. He sounded like a real actor, dead posh, dead confident and that glow in his eyes. A wave of depression overtook her when she realized how long ago that was. He must be a man now and she was dead scared to think of that. What could she possibly write to him that would mean anything? A bitter thought struck her that if he could only intermittently appear in her thought like some dream, how could she think she had the right to think any more often of her? He had his life to live. He had done it for so many years by now, too many. It got her down and, what made it worse that even Julie didn't realize what she was thinking. She stared into space thinking for something to take away the pain of separation.
Nikki was getting increasingly worried about Karen. It was something in the way that she refused to look her in the eye. Anyone would think that she was trying to pry into her private life and this was the last thing she ever wanted to do, with anyone she was in any way close to. She had always known Karen as a strong, resilient reliant woman and also as the governing governor and one time experienced wing governor. When she had started her job, she had looked up to Karen despite her superb act of being perfectly in control. Only Karen had known just how much sheer nerve and inventiveness had got her through and that was because she'd been there. It was five months since she had started her job and she had become more relaxed in her exercise of authority. For these reasons, it disturbed her to see the way that Karen had steadily declined despite her outward show of command. It was nothing but years on the job that had enabled her to hold her own. At some of the wing governor's meetings she had chaired, it had been touch and go that she would manage to hold the reins of the meeting together. She came to a sudden decision as she finished off her last cigarette. She resolved to casually drop by for a chat and, depending on how the land lay, express her concerns to her more directly. It hardly crossed her mind that other, more experienced wing governors could talk to her. It might as well be her as anyone else so therefore it was up to her to act.
"Hi Nikki, I'm afraid that I haven't heard any more news about the increase in the budget allocation for your education projects," Karen said without Nikki having broached the question. "I thoroughly agree that we have an uphill job in drugs education for new inmates after the damage has been done but getting funding out of the Home Office is like trying to get blood out of a stone"
"But it's obvious. Prevention is better than cure. Are those bureaucrats at the Home Office for real?" exploded Nikki in exasperation.
"Nikki, Neil is one of those bureaucrats. He works bloody hard to fight our corner, don't you understand?" Karen retorted with an unusual degree of exasperation before the echoes of her own anger spoke back to her. She didn't want to admit it but a lot of her anger was directed at herself and she felt guilty at having taken it out on Nikki. The emotional scars felt all too real in the half healed cut lines underneath her white blouse, underneath her smart business suit. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have talked to you like that"
"There's me opening my big gob again," Nikki answered lightly, trying to raise a smile out of Karen but, worryingly to her, without success. "I ought to have thought. I mean, I wouldn't care to have his job for all the tea in China."
Karen gazed sightlessly without a response for a couple of minutes while Nikki hung back waiting for Karen to reply. She didn't want to crowd her but she felt that she was making the opposite mistake.
"So, I'll hang fire about the funding till I hear from you, right?" Nikki asked brightly.
"Sure," Karen replied vaguely, fuzzily after a distinct pause.
"Karen, are you all right?" Nikki asked impulsively before adding softly and soothingly. "It's just that you really don't sound that well and as a friend, you know me well enough that I'd love to help out where I can."
Karen's expression hardened momentarily as her pride was being challenged by Nikki's well-meaning words. The expression of soft concern was manifestly there in Nikki's large brown expressive eyes and she had to make some kind of gracious response, smiling nicely as she did.
"There's nothing I can't deal with. If there's anything that needs dealing with, I've spent a lifetime having to cope with it myself but thank you for asking, Nikki"
"Right, OK, I'll be on my way and let you have space to yourself."Nikki replied, nervously getting to her feet, her expressive hands moving restlessly. "See you around, Karen."
"See you, Nikki." Came the automatic response. She immediately regretted Nikki's absence from her empty office a few seconds after she left. She craved isolation and separation but she also needed some emotional warmth. The story of her life, she reflected bitterly. The only positive thing she could point to was that the bottle of whisky on the shelf at the back of her had remained a quarter full for the past fortnight. A brutally honest voice within her told her that it was because she had been too emotionally numb to even reach for anything even alcoholically warming.
"Hey, Ju. It's Babs's birthday. November the ninth. Four days after Fireworks night. I always remember it that way," Julie Saunders suddenly exclaimed, her mind in free association mode as she twirled her biro.
"So what day's today?" Julie Johnson asked in a vague tone of voice.
"The seventh." Julie Saunders muttered through gritted teeth. One day followed another in the nick but to her way of thinking that was no excuse.
"Bloody hell, so it is." Came the quite unnecessary reply.
"We got to do something for Babs, her being on her own for the first year since the vicar died. Do you think she would want a party?"
The dawning light across their faces was the precursor to a full-blown scheme.
The early morning knock on the door had woken Barbara up to just another day. It was her birthday tomorrow, she remembered gloomily and without enthusiasm. The last three or four years had seen real ups and downs in how happy a birthday could be from the best to the worst. These ranged from when she was in Larkhall last time around to the previous year when her dear Henry was alive. That had been a blissful event, safe and secure together in that cosy vicarage, complete with the neatly kept flowers and rose bushes. In the first flush of their love as two middle-aged romantics, they had a tendency to retreat into a magical world of their own. After a topsy turvy life of three marriages, it was no surprise that she had wanted to surrender to a deep, long lasting commitment where neither of them had held anything back except life itself. As those words crept into her waking thoughts, a trickle of tears ran down her face. She had been a devout Christian all her life but at times like these, God's purpose for her seemed deeply perplexing and cruel, if not perverse. She knew all the litanies about enduring suffering uncomplainingly and never giving up hope but first thing in the morning as the cold air cut through the bare cell and froze her breath on the air. The cell was so small and bare when compared with her bedroom in the vicarage. Alas, she would be fated to never returning to that paradise or that church. She would become a stranger to what had been once the centre of her world. At that moment, she silently prayed for deliverance, even just for that moment in time.
Deliverance came through the door in the form of the Julies. Barbara turned over in her narrow cramped bunk, a million miles away from her wide comfortable, homely double bed that she had shared with Henry. They both wore wide smiles in their faces.
"Who's going to be the birthday girl, sorry woman, tomorrow?" they chorused.
"I'm sorry, Julies, but my birthday is hardly something that I want to celebrate, more like something to mourn. Henry for instance." She replied stiffly. She couldn't be angry with them as they meant so well. They both had hearts of gold but her spirits refused to respond to their good intentions.
"Oh don't be like that, Babs.We know how you're missing your Henry but you're a Christian, like, ain't you?" Julie Johnson's soft voice coaxed persuasively.
"So what of it"
"Don't the Bible say something about counting your blessings and that Jesus was all positive, something about looking on the bright side of life"
"That was 'Life of Brian' not the bleeding Bible," Julie Saunders whispered out of the side of her mouth, accompanied by an elbow in the ribs, at the theological inaccuracies.
"Oh, well he ought to have said it," Came Julie Johnson's best dizzy blonde response.
There was something inimitable in the delightful absurdity of the Julies inimitable double act that made Barbara start to grin slightly, despite the way that the determination of her depression tried to hold her back. They were right too, in their fashion. If their views had been heard in theological college, they would have raised a few eyebrows from most earnest students, all except her dear Henry. She felt him smiling down on them all. He would have understood.
"You've got something in mind, haven't you"
What showed vividly in her facial expression was Julie Saunders wariness in wondering whether or not their brilliant idea would go down in the cold light of day. She paused before eventually replying and crossing fingers behind for luck behind her back.
"Quick, Ju, into Miss Betts' office while it's quiet. She's off down the wing"
Their sharp eyes had observed the pattern of Karen's daily movements and knew them like clockwork, better than she did. As a result, the two of them, complete with their convenient alibis of buckets and mops, sneaked inside. They looked desperately round at the room. It looked far too large with too many drawers, cupboards until their eyes spotted the bottle. Not too much left, they thought, so she wouldn't miss it.
"Nick it fast and leg it"
Julie Johnson stuffed it into a bag and they shot out the door before they could be spotted. So far, so good.
"You're right, Nikki," Karen admitted as they went back to her office. "I've let everything slide a bit. I wouldn't admit it earlier as I didn't want to face it but I've got to face the future some time"
What Karen had in mind was her job. That was something to which she could discipline her mind and escape into that conveniently large part of her waking life. Nikki was not to know the special restricted meaning of her words and was overjoyed at thinking that Karen had turned the corner at last.
"We ought to have a quick drink to that"
"I've still got the dregs of a bottle of whisky which I haven't touched," She answered as she half turned her head. Nikki looked on, slightly puzzled at the shelf which contained nothing but dusty volumes. "At least, I did have it"
"Isn't it Barbara's birthday?"Nikki questioned from out of the blue in a totally unrelated fashion. The little desk calendar had helpfully spelled out the date for her and the stray memory shot into her mind.
"Do you think we ought to visit Barbara to wish her a happy birthday? Where will she be right now?" It was the first time for a long time that Nikki had seen a faint amused smile at the corner of Karen's lips. It lit up her whole face, in contrast to the anxious strained woman who Nikki had worried over.
"The Julies cell. Where else?"
It was that mellow, comfortable part of the evening before lockup. The Julies had tipped off Denny and Tina and the five of them made a nice family type get together. They had already presented her with one of their very stylized birthday cards, which cheered Barbara up with the lovely thoughts expressed.
"And seeing as this day is real special, we've got a nice little treat. Fill up your mugs, girls"
They giggled freely with that atmosphere of a midnight feast in a girl's boarding school. The spirits went straight to their heads and everything was seen in a warm, generous glow as the drink loosened their tongues. Barbara peered benevolently at the world through and sometimes over her trademark black rimmed glasses. She was happy for the present. Suddenly, the official tread could be heard by the Julies' sharp ears.
"Quick. Hide the booze." Came Julie Saunders' voice of command.
Denny grabbed the bottle, twisted the cap on tight and stuffed it under the topmost bunk bed just before Nikki and Karen put their heads round the door.
"We thought we'd come by and wish Barbara a happy birthday"
"Yeah, right miss"
"You're welcome, man"
Denny's unmistakable greeting capped Julie Saunders uncertain response. To her alcohol-relaxed mind, Nikki and Karen were just two more women dropping in for the party. Why else were they there if they hadn't dropped in for that reason? Stands to reason. They're both cool.
Nikki's sharp eyes took in the greater amount of frivolity than normal and it gave her a most peculiar sort of twisted déjà vu feeling. It was only a few years ago that they were all here plus Crystal and Zandra and they were toasting Zandra out of some smuggled in miniature bottles of spirits. Dockley was here as well but that cow was just mouthing off, shit stirring it between Barbara and everyone else. Nikki blocked off that little ploy, then Barbara and Zandra finished off by telling her to piss off, that she wasn't welcome. It was just then that one of the friendlier screws popped his head round the door and asked what was going on while they played it all innocent. She saw Dominic's intent gaze flick past where that tart Dockley had stashed one of those miniatures that the most obvious place imaginable. With intense relief, she heard him give them 'one hour max.' for the rest of the party. It restored her faith that Helen wasn't the only good screw around. She blinked her eyes, which dispersed the nostalgic mists, which clouded her sight. She was the Wing Governor now. She wore the smart suit and not her usual T-shirt and jeans. It was obvious to her what she should do and say and not as the case may be.
"It feels like old times round here. I've fond memories of this room and some things don't change, not really." Nikki's soft tones reflected all the warmth of her personality, the way she wore her heart on her sleeve. All the other prisoners were carried back in time and remembered. Karen looked on. She wished she could let her feelings flow out of her so naturally as Nikki did.
" We're really glad that you're enjoying yourself, Barbara and you've got good friends to celebrate your birthday with," Karen added.
They chatted awhile, Nikki and Karen standing straight as they were comfortably sprawled around on the beds. There was a difference between them but all of them could push that to the back of their consciousness.
"Well, Nikki and I have got to be going but enjoy yourselves on us"
Denny nearly spat out a little of her spirits in her mouth. Karen spoke truer words than she knew, or did she?
"Think they noticed the booze?" Tina asked. She thought that they hadn't sounded too pissed, just happy.
"Course they noticed it. What do you think?" Denny retorted. Tina was dead nice but sometime she could be a bit backward. "Come on. Who's for a refill?" she asked, making a grab for the bottle. A row of grinning faces was enough answer and lockup was a drink or two away.
"Well, I did think I ought to cut down on my drinking. Couldn't say the same about smoking or my life would be one big misery."
"Don't even think about that one." Shuddered Nikki with real feeling.
"They'll enjoy Barbara's birthday with my present which I didn't know I was going to give"
"It's all happened for the best. I suppose it could be worse."
"It was once, in a mildly outrageous way. To celebrate my promotion, the Julies got Gina and I stoned on hash cookies. Very interesting sensations, I must admit"
Karen had answered Nikki's vague philosophising in her best deadpan manner for best dramatic effect.
"They did?"Nikki asked rhetorically and unnecessarily as her face split from ear to ear in a huge grin. "Come on, Karen. Tell me all. What else have you been holding out on me"
"Well, it happened this way…."began Karen in best storytelling mode. Telling this story would cheer Nikki up and possibly herself, at a pinch.