Nikki had just signed off and slid her last file into her out tray when the self confident tread of approaching footsteps could be heard. Everyone had their own individual way of approaching her room, Nikki reflected, Di's oh so falsely polite double tap on the door, Dominic's firm controlled rap, Selena's formal single knock and, the exception, Gina's stride into her room a split second after her hasty token warning if she remembered.
This time, a thoughtful barely audible sound preceded Gina entering her room. She took her time to approach, clearly deep in thought and likewise, hesitated before speaking, totally unlike her normal brash style.
"The wing's fine, Nikki, if I watch out for that snake in the grass, Natalie Buxton, and don't give her any slack. You give her that and she'll wrap it round your neck and try to hang you with it," Began Gina in response to Nikki's polite greeting." Everything's straight down the line between us"
"Meaning?' interjected a smiling Nikki.
"She hates my guts and I hate hers. She knows I've got a nasty temper and she doesn't cross me"
Gina's bluntness was refreshing to Nikki. It made her feel comfortable.
"You've come for more than a social call though that's welcome enough."
Gina took the weight off her feet and stretched out comfortably in the chair opposite Nikki. She hesitated on how to express her thoughts till she resolved to cut out the shit and get to the point. Of all bosses, Nikki was very accommodating to her natural style.
"I don't want to be nosy but do you know what's been getting Karen down? You can tell something's not right when you see her around and that's not as much as it used to be. I've been meaning to ask you for months now"
Nikki sighed. She had become more preoccupied by the very same question.
"My trouble, Gina is that there's a lot that I don't know. I can feel it in my bones"
So Nikki thinks the same way as me, thought Gina with some small satisfaction. It
was so like her not to waffle but to get right to the point.
"Most of the other PO's will stick up for Karen as she's been around so long. They're worried and just want to know that she's taken care of. A couple of them will just love it. Problem is that they can go off on their own where nobody can catch up with them and land one on them"
Gina didn't have to mention names. Di and Bodybag would make up any sort of malicious gossip and spread it all around and undermine her authority.
"So is there anything you do know? If anyone's going to know what's going on, you will"
Where does she begin to start on this one? How can she put it into words? Of course, the easy explanation, the tragedy of her son committing suicide made it harder to see anything outside that glaring spotlight of illumination and easy explanation? Worse still, she was struggling at the limits of her capacity for understanding, as maternal loss was something she could only gauge as an intellectual proposition, not feel deep within her. That made her insecure and uncertain. All she had was a few throwaway comments by Karen, which hit on an intuitive nerve but nothing with which she could untangle the facts.
"I've talked to Karen a couple of times but she shuts me out. She's a great friend. She's fine when she's the one who's giving help but the world's worst at accepting it"
"…she was a nurse once, Nikki." Cut in Gina who received a smile and nod in return.
"I really don't know but there's something there beyond the obvious. If there's anything there, I'll find it. I just need time as I can't, I won't crowd her"
Nikki's eyes were focused far into the distant horizon as she meditated on the problem before the tone of her voice became brisker, more definite.
"……All we can do in the meantime is to back her up as best we can and just be there when she's ready. The only positive outcome was that she had told me that she knew that she had let things slide at work and she'll try and get better"
"Just keep me posted, Nikki"
"If I can, I will."
By the time she entered the flat, Nikki's mind was still focused on Karen and rerunning past conversations with her and she was getting nowhere. Helen was there already and she immediately picked up on Nikki's somber mood. It didn't take a psychologist to spot this.
"You look as if you've had a rough day, sweetheart." Helen called out to her from a distance before enfolding her in a warm embrace. She could feel the tension in Nikki's body.
"I've had worse…I've just got a lot on my mind right now"
The tough side of Nikki, which she reverted to, self protectively under pressure softened as Helen's questioning glance pierced through her. Living with Helen left no room for evasions let alone falsehoods even if she were so disposed. Helen's high intelligence and her profession kept that spotlight trained on her. It was just as well that Nikki found that hard clarity of illumination congenial to bathe in and both defined and centred her.
"So what's been bothering you"
"Karen," Nikki said shortly, having taken the weight off her feet. "I've been worrying about her and I can't get to the bottom of it"
Helen's stomach lurched while on her face, her attempt at a reassuring smile was aimed mostly at Nikki but partly at herself. In a flash, she could see what was coming. She had always been fearful that her private life and her profession would become intermingled. She didn't feel safe and a feeling of blind panic started to well up inside her. She ran the tip of her tongue across her lower lip. An almost frightened look glinted in her eyes, which was not lost on Nikki, any more than the long silence.
"Helen, you do know something about this, don't you"
"Why should I know any more than you? You work with her and I don't"
Nikki caught a sharp intake of breath. Fate was starting to place in her hands, the first building blocks out of the meaningless rubble. Helen had not been at her best the last week and, if her private life were excluded as a cause of this, then signposts pointed the answer at Helen's professional life with a clear straight pointed finger.
"Somehow, I get the feeling that you've picked up something at your therapy sessions which holds the answer or at least some sort of a clue"
Despite the slow almost stately delivery of her words, Nikki regretted what she had just said. She feared that that pressing concern for Karen had made her press Helen too hard. In her turn, the memory of Ross's death flashed into her mind and the echo of that impassioned diatribe which she had launched at John about bloody confidentiality.
'……….Do you realise, that if just once, either you or I had chosen to do what was morally right, rather than what was legally right, this might never have happened?…..Don't you feel any guilt, Judge?……..Don't you think that maybe this time, the law didn't know best? Because I can tell you that I sure as hell do…….This hiding things from her that she needs to know, ends whenever she begins to want answers, and that's not negotiable….'
Yes, she had said all that and had meant every word she has said. Helen found that living with Nikki meant that any double standards and hypocrisy in general utterly impossible as it would have totally compromised her. She had been professional and just look at the consequences. Just at the right time, Nikki gently laid her hands on Helen's shoulders.
"Look, Helen, I know just what it means to have professional responsibility. I have a duty of care to both prisoners and prison officers and to be totally fair to each and every one of them. It's hardest when I've known them before, liked some and hated others, yes even Sylvia Hollamby, god help me. I feel that sometimes I'm going against gut instincts. I pick up a lot of knowledge in the files that pass through my hands and no one else's. Keeping my mouth shut becomes far too easy and most times, it's the right thing to do"
"So if I were to give you information, given to me in strict confidence, am I being professional and exactly what would you do with it"
Nikki bit her lip. The point delivered diamond hard in Helen's soft tones was a good one. She didn't know what she might get to hear and could easily regret it. Once she heard, there was no going back.
"You've got me there, Helen"
Nikki shrugged her shoulders, slipped her hands into her trouser pockets and paced awhile to collect her thoughts.
"The only justification I can come up with is that I've got a moral responsibility to Karen, as our friend. She's my boss as well and she's in charge of the whole prison, not just my wing. If there's anything that you know that explains just why Karen is seriously not in control of herself, in the last resort, and I mean last resort, I have to know. It's not that I
ever ask you about your patients, it's "
"…….just this one time," Helen finished for her. "That sounds very glib and far too easy to say. That could be argued to be the thin end of a very dangerous wedge. Anyway, what will you do if I tell you? It's a heavy burden to bear."
"No heavier than it is for me. Anyway, I'm on the spot at Larkhall where we both work. I know I'm together and in control and Karen's barely hanging on by the skin of her teeth. If she does anything wrong and I know why she's feeling the way she feels, I can help her or stop her from making a mistake. I can't stand to watch helplessly from the sidelines, not knowing. Even if I have to just watch and wait, I'd sooner accept the responsibility. At least I'll know what to look for and I'd just have to keep my eyes and ears open. You think about it Helen. You would do the same if you were in my shoes."
Helen sank back into her armchair. She might have known in advance that she would have to surrender to Nikki's patient persuasion. She had temporised in conceding that she had private knowledge, which she was withholding. She could have denied all knowledge but she didn't. She could have stuck to her guns but she didn't, not at that moment. Nikki was a temptress inviting her to give way to what she wanted to do while appearing in the guise of a very well meaning, caring woman. Her fears shrieked at her that this was fatal but a contrary siren song sounded louder in her mind. It had happened that way before.
"All right, Nikki, I'll tell you but you make sure that you are sitting comfortably. You're going to need it"
"Sure, Helen. You're in charge"
Helen felt as if she were at the top of a high cliff, poised at the point of diving off the edge into the far below distant cool blue water. She took her courage or recklessness into her hands and jumped. The flight was crazily exhilarating.
"I found out that Karen has been self harming, Nikki"
Nikki's mouth opened wide and her eyes dilated with total shock. A kaleidoscope of very disturbing images came to her mind. Karen was just too healthy to break her skin with blood like that. It wasn't Karen, she cried out inside but a whispering voice of reason within her told her that it must be the truth. Too many disconnected memories were being forcibly, terribly connected together. She couldn't deny to herself that power of reason.
"How long?" she heard the faintly articulated words hang on the still air. They were hideously way off the mark from the central thrust of her intensely caring emotions.
"Since Henry's funeral. I was told that she had …it had happened on a regular basis since then"
The words 'Who told you this' jumped straight into her mind and by a hairbreadth, just failed to be expressed in words till she fought down the words. It did not matter who told Helen, only that it had happened.
"You didn't, I mean, you didn't find out why Karen was doing this terrible thing to herself. I mean she's so strong and so good. She couldn't be doing this sort of thing. I can't believe it, I won't believe it. I mean, she deserves better than this……..How in hell didn't I spot this one? I mean what in hell has happened to the sight I was given. I should have known. "
Helen let Nikki's outpouring of words of horror, pity and utter sympathy come to a halt before attempting an answer.
"I didn't get to ask how long." Helen answered. Her words sounded lame and trite. She ought to know. She was the strong-minded psychologist who was expert in enabling her patients to fashion the right words, thought processes and emotions to colour in a clear picture of themselves so that they could get along in this troubled world. It was another thing to come home, stripped of all her professional powers, everything except who Helen Wade was, with all her strengths and weaknesses.
The informant clearly wasn't Karen herself, Nikki concluded swiftly. She would never have left it at that with such sparse information.
It seemed an eternity later when darkness gradually crept over the room as both of them had gone through the whole gamut of emotions and words. No one thought to switch the light on. Helen felt curiously relieved that Nikki knew what was going on. The sense of sharing felt good to her and somehow reflected off distant memories. However, she had to start looking to the future. That strain in her seemed to keep her from enjoying the here and now yet at the same time, it was a useful if sometimes tiresome gift.
"So what are you going to do with my professional confidence," challenged Helen, as she clicked the light on, temporarily blinding both of them.
"As I said before, watch and wait. I'd tell Neil but only if it came to the last resort. You know that if I don't tell him when I should, he would never forgive me. He's a good friend of hers. You need friends like him"
"So what if any of the prison officers ask you?" Helen probed.
That stopped Nikki in her tracks. It was only a few short hours ago that both she and Gina had been innocently ignorant. That had changed just as Helen had predicted. There was no going back on what she had heard.
"Like I said, accept the responsibility with all it means. I've never broken my word and I'm not about to start now."
While Nikki's tough words left her lips, her mind whizzed rapidly at a dizzying pace. She would have to tell Gina that, yes she did know, but couldn't say as she was under the crumbling doubtfully believable authority of professional obligation. She laughed ironically to herself. These were deep waters and she would have to persuade Gina that she would watch and wait and trust her. It would almost be worse if Gina accepted her advice with that blind faith in her eyes. Nikki shivered inwardly as she was by no means sure if she could utterly trust such a gamble.