Towards the end of the working day, Karen knew she was flagging. She'd only had a couple of hours sleep last night, and now sleep was really the only thing she wanted. It was far too tempting for her to just lay her head down on the desk, and allow the exhaustion to completely take her over. When Nikki's knock came on her office door, Karen was heartily grateful for the distraction.
"You look knackered," Nikki said gently, seeing just how much everything had finally caught up with Karen. "Mmm," Karen yawned. "It's only a thought," Nikki said carefully. "But would you like to stay with me and Helen for a couple of days, just until your flat is made secure again? I've asked Helen, and she says it's fine if that's what you want to do." Karen was almost unbearably touched by the kindness in Nikki's eyes, the true, sincere friendship shining out of them. "Are you sure?" Karen asked, suddenly feeling the urge to cry her eyes out. "Of course we are," Nikki assured her with a smile. "Come on, you need a huge drink and an evening of doing absolutely nothing." Switching off her computer and locking her office door, Karen couldn't help but agree with her.
They called in at Karen's flat on the way home, so that she could pick up some clothes and other necessities. When they arrived, Helen was already there, opening a bottle of wine after putting clean sheets on the spare bed. "You look tired," She said when Karen and Nikki appeared in the lounge. "I feel as though I've been awake for a month," Karen said dryly, sinking down into the depths of a large armchair. Helen poured them all a glass of wine, and Nikki put on some soft, undemanding music. "So, how is Shell?" Helen asked, lighting a cigarette. "Still the same as ever," Karen told them, taking a drag of her own. "Though the way she snuck out of Ashmoor was really quite ingenious." When she'd filled them in as to the details, Nikki said, "Jesus, that's even better than the way she escaped when she broke into Bodybag's house." Karen smiled, hearing the slip of the tongue, presumably brought on by Nikki talking of a time when she'd still been an inmate. "John thought he could frighten her by telling her that he was a high court judge," Karen told them, receiving a raised eyebrow from Helen. "The judge was there?" Helen asked in astonishment, not having been aware of this. "Yes," Karen replied, realising too late that she probably oughtn't to have revealed this. "Please don't look at me like that, Helen," She added, seeing the seeds of suspicion growing behind Helen's eyes. "He stayed as a friend, nothing more." "Why did she do it?" Nikki asked, wanting to change the subject slightly. "She wanted me to help her get her son back." "God, Karen," Helen said with feeling, knowing how difficult this would have been. "Yeah, not quite what I was expecting early this morning, I must admit. I knew that I had to keep her talking, because I kept having visions of her doing to John what she'd done to Fenner." "Karen," Helen asked her carefully. "Why was the judge there?" "Why is that important?" Karen asked in return, not really knowing of any vaguely believable answer. "I'm not sure," Helen said indecisively. "I just get the feeling that it is." "How about I go and make us some dinner?" Nikki put in, seeing all too clearly what Helen was doing, and suddenly not wanting to be a part of it. "I'm not desperately hungry," Karen told her, as Nikki moved towards the kitchen.
"You're hiding something, Karen," Helen continued gently, fixing Karen with a soft but penetrating gaze. "I think you have been for a while now." Sending a glare of monumental proportions towards the kitchen, in the knowledge that Nikki must have shared her concerns with Helen, Karen desperately tried to maintain her control. "Please don't go there, Helen," Karen said quietly, knowing that Helen would have a fit if she found out her secret. "And just how much good do you think keeping it all inside is really doing you?" Helen asked just as seriously. "Helen, please," Karen almost begged her. "It's quite bad enough that John knows about this, without you and Nikki, someone I work with, knowing about this as well." Feeling that Helen really was going a bit over the top with this line of enquiry, Nikki moved into the kitchen doorway to speak to her. She could hear the note of panic in Karen's voice, and couldn't help but think that she'd been wrong to tell Helen of her concerns in the first place. If Karen didn't want to talk, then she should be accorded the same right to privacy as anyone else. "Helen, leave it, yeah?" She put in quietly, bringing Helen's gaze briefly on her. "Interestingly sound advice from one usually so persistent," Karen replied dryly, seeing that Nikki was beginning to regret her previous inquisitiveness. "Karen, I can't help being worried about you," Helen told her, for the moment ignoring Nikki's tentative request. "I know," Karen answered resignedly. "But believe me, you really don't want to know why I've barely been able to keep it together lately." "Why not try me?" Helen persisted gently, making Karen want to roll her eyes at Helen's drive to succeed. "Are you that determined to make me tell you?" Karen demanded, now really beginning to lose her cool. "Do you really want to know so badly?" "No, I probably don't," Helen admitted ruefully. "But the longer you keep it to yourself, the less chance you have of dealing with it." "Fine," Karen replied a little exasperatedly. "But don't you dare even think of being angry with me for this, and don't say I didn't warn you." Unbuttoning her left sleeve, she rolled it up, and held her arm out for Helen to see. A dressing still covered the most recent cut from the day before, but the old scars were far too evident. Helen might have known that Karen had been doing this to herself, but it was still a shock to see it in the flesh. Seeing the look of combined grief and horror in Helen's face, Karen turned her eyes away, suddenly unable to look at either of them. She felt broken, shattered, as though the tiniest fragments of her self-esteem were now scattered over a wide area, unable to reassemble. She could feel the tears of exhaustion and bitter resignation begin coursing down her cheeks, and this made her feel even less of her old self than she had before.
Moving to perch on the arm of the chair, Helen put her arms round her, wanting to in some way apologise for how she had cajoled Karen into sharing her secret. Seeing that Helen had finally broken through Karen's defences, Nikki moved to her other side to do the same. "I'm sorry," Karen told them, trying to stem the flow of her tears. "I didn't want to have to do that," Helen tried to explain, her own throat feeling full of emotion. "But I had to persuade you to talk to me." "John would be proud of you," Karen said a little shakily, causing Helen to go momentarily still. "You can be just as persistent as he is when you try." Breathing an inward sigh of relief, Helen reflected that John would probably have her guts for garters for doing this to Karen if he knew. "I tried to explain to him, that sometimes, it's just something I need to do, something that helps me to stay sane." "Only it isn't really working, is it," Nikki said quietly, gently taking Karen's left hand in hers. "I knew you were picking up on it," Karen said ruefully. "But it wasn't something I could just come out and tell you. Sometimes, the feeling of panic becomes so strong that I feel as though I'm suffocating. The first time I did it, certainly wasn't a conscious decision, but after that, it became far too easy." "Sweetheart, you can't keep on doing this," Helen told her seriously. "Because we both know it'll only get worse." "I don't think I know how to stop," Karen admitted bleakly, feeling more weak and pathetic every minute. "Whenever you feel like doing this again," Nikki said firmly. "You call me, or Helen, or even the judge, and instead of cutting, you talk. I might not know much about this, but I do know that that's the only way you can even think about stopping." "Nikki's absolutely right, you know," Helen said with pride in her voice. "It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, you just do it."
They were all fairly quiet as they ate, each of them lost in their own thoughts, though it couldn't be said that these thoughts were very different. Karen was feeling extremely brittle, inwardly trying to gather the tattered shreds of her self-respect. Helen was wondering just how to go about helping one of her closest friends, and Nikki couldn't help wondering if Helen really had done the right thing in persuading Karen to talk to them. But when Karen had eaten half of her serving of pasta smothered in Dolmio sauce, her mobile rang. Balancing her plate on her knee, Helen and Nikki's flat not possessing a dining table, she dug her phone out of her handbag. "Karen, it's Neil," Came the familiar deep voice. "You've got that tone of voice that says you're bearing bad news," Karen answered him immediately. "What's happened?" "I've just had a call from someone I know who works at Ashmoor. He called me, because he couldn't track you down at Larkhall. It's about Shell." "Neil, please, just get on with it," Karen urged him, feeling that terrible ice-cold suspicion crawling up her spine. "She's killed herself," Neil told her bleakly, really not knowing how to break this particular piece of news gently. After a long, thoughtful silence, Karen surprised him with, "I wish I could say that came as a shock, but it doesn't. How did she do it?" "She hung herself. Ashmoor will be having an enquiry to find out how." "Well, I can certainly tell them why," Karen told him resignedly. "She threatened to do exactly that not long after I became governor of G wing, but I won't go into that now. Thank you for telling me." "Karen, are you all right?" Neil asked in concern, hearing the brittle edge of bitter resignation in her voice. "Oh, I'm absolutely bloody marvelous," Karen told him dryly. "I'll see you tomorrow."
When she'd switched off the phone, Helen and Nikki stared at her, waiting for her to explain. "Was that about Dockley?" Nikki asked, stating the obvious. "Yes," Karen said regretfully. "She's dead. She hung herself earlier this evening." "Jesus," Nikki replied in shock. "Karen, you told Grayling that you weren't surprised," Helen said, not immediately reacting to the news itself. "I'm not," Karen told her bleakly. "I was Shell's last hope, the last person whom she thought might be in a position to help her. After I'd said no, I think she thought she had nothing else left. I remember when she once threatened to do it. She was stood up on the 3s, calling Fenner to come and string her up like Rachel Hicks." "That wasn't long after I came back, was it," Helen said in realisation. "No, not really," Karen agreed with her. "Did she leave a note?" Nikki asked. "Not that I'm aware of," Karen told her. "And to be honest, I wouldn't want to see it even if she had. Right now, I can just about cling onto the possibility that I didn't cause her to do this, but to see her blame me in writing would be a bit much."
A good while later when Karen had gone for a long soak in the bath, wanting some space to sort out her thoughts, Helen lit a cigarette and took a long drag. "I wish this was a joint," She said with a slight smile. "Since when did you smoke dope?" Nikki asked in astonishment. "Only once," Helen told her with a laugh at her expression. "With Thomas." "So, I wasn't the only one to lead you astray," Nikki said, putting an arm round her. "You've led me far more astray than anyone I've ever known," Helen told her seriously, her eyes briefly betraying all the love she felt for Nikki. "Helen, what you did to Karen," Nikki said slowly, not wanting to break the mood but knowing that she had to say this. "It was pretty brutal." "I know," Helen said regretfully. "But I had to do it. I couldn't just let her carry on cutting when I knew precisely what she was up to, without at least trying to find out why." "It was the judge who told you, wasn't it," Nikki said, finally putting the pieces together. "Yeah, he did," Helen admitted quietly. "And you said that you found out about this during a session," Nikki continued. "Which therefore tells me that you've been seeing the Judge as a patient." "Well done, Miss Marple," Helen said with a smile, leaning forward to gently kiss her. "But you must keep it to yourself, because he definitely wouldn't want you or anyone else to know, and I can do without losing my job, because of braking patient confidentiality. He's been to see me three times now, and I'm learning more about some of our friends that I really want to know." "But why, Helen?" Nikki asked again, the issue of John's being a patient hardly important. "Why did you have to go at her so ruthlessly? You could see it was tearing her to shreds, yet you still kept on at her." "Nikki," Helen said a little exasperatedly. "I am not letting someone else die, just because I didn't do what was right all along."