Chapter Seventy-One
That undeniably wasn't the most comforting conversation opener Lorna thought to herself. A hard lump was swallowed down to her throat. Her eyes squeezed shut as her brain tried to compute a response which wouldn't dig her hole any deeper. But the anger bubbling underneath her skin wasn't about to let that happen. The anger compelled her. It wasn't anger she felt towards Nicky—Nicky never angered her even though Lorna had a sense her outbursts didn't come across that way. No, the anger towards Annalisa. She bit harshly down on her lip. That damn Annalisa just had to be visiting her 'granny' in the same exact hospital she was in. Lorna shook her head copiously. Eyes squinting as they stared straight into absolute nothingness.
Suffocation. Suffocated. Trapped. Lorna swallowed uneasily, looking slowly around the room. She was surrounded by people who cared for her well-being, people who were there because they wanted to be—because they wanted to help her. But all seeing them did was make her feel more and more stuck. They may have all been in the same room but that didn't make Lorna's sense of being trapped any less real. She didn't feel reachable. It was as if she was looking at them through a giant glass cage. One which Annalisa trapped her in.
"Lorna…Lorna?" Nicky waved a hand in her face after several moments passed without a response or even a nonverbal acknowledgement that she had even heard her.
A breath was taken in through her nose. She couldn't fathom how so much had changed from one little altercation with the blonde devil herself. Sure, she had a strong inkling Annalisa's revelation was true but how the hell did she even find out about it? How the fuck did Annalisa know Lorna had an eating disorder but she didn't until recently? She had to stop with the swirling questions in her head. None of that mattered right now—Lorna was what mattered, she reminded herself, and Lorna was clearly not okay. Not at all. By the looks of it, she wasn't even sure if Lorna was mentally there with the rest of them. The expression on her face had her appearing so far away. Seeing such only emphasized the knot in her stomach and the constriction in her chest.
"We can't talk right now, Nicky," Lorna whispered, eyes displaying a pleading aura to them. They shifted from the redhead quickly around towards the other three people who sat in there with them as a way to prove her point. Or rather lack there of a point. She lifted both of her hands in the air and circled them around. "I don't—my brotha and sista and Alex…they're all here too and—and what if they hear us talking? That's too much, Nicky, too much. Please. I can't, not now. I feel like I can't breathe already."
It didn't take much for Nicky's ears to effortlessly pick up on the intense desperation inflecting through Lorna's voice. Her eyes closed for a moment and she sucked in a sharp breath. She didn't know how to take her girlfriend's statement. On one hand, she could understand where the brunette was coming from—maybe in a way, she was admitting to having the problems that Annalisa brought to light in the cafeteria a half hour earlier. However, on the other, maybe what her desperate pleas were only another way to keep from anyone finding out the truth. To keep them all from seeing how truly and utterly broken she was. No matter how Nicky looked at it, she settled on giving into Lorna's request. But only until she could get her alone. She needed to get the truth out of her. Because if anything Annalisa claimed Lorna was doing had actually been true, Lorna needed an intervention immediately.
"I understand it's hard for you, kid. I really do. And I'm so sorry but this is serious. We're gonna have to talk about it eventually," Nicky murmured, keeping her voice low enough so that the only one who'd been able to hear her was her girlfriend. She sighed and swallowed, allowing the tips of her fingers to delicately brush up and down along the flesh of the brunette's cheeks.
Lorna snuffled but gave a meek nod. Despite her aggravation and vast reluctance, she knew Nicky was right. She couldn't push it away forever. Not unless she wanted to end up in a six foot grave just like her mom and soon to be dad, too. A breath expelled roughly from her lungs at such a thought spinning through her mind. Maybe being six feet under would solve all of her problems, she mentally contemplated. Another sigh came out. She shook her head distastefully at herself. No matter how tempting death seemed she couldn't do something so selfish. Something that would tremendously hurt her Nicky and anyone else who happened to care about her.
A hand lifted up and slicked back dark strands of hair. Brown eyes found their way back onto the redhead. Shoulders recoiled up to either side of her face as she stared attentively ahead into the ones belonging to her girlfriend. "Can't it just wait until tomorrow, Nicky, when my therapist comes back? I can't take much more today, and it's only fucking ten o'clock in the morning. I'm so exhausted and the day ain't even a quarter a the way over," she shrieked, rubbing her hands violently around the temples of her forehead.
Covering her hands over the vicious ones franticly running up and down her temples, Nicky's chest tightened a smidge at the sheer amount of agony trickling from the younger teen's face. She brushed her palms soothingly up and down each hand they covered, hoping to bring her some form of comfort. It wasn't easy watching the girl she loved struggle so much. "Okay, babe, okay. We'll save it for your therapy appointment tomorrow. But don't you dare think I'm gonna forget because I won't. I'm so worried about you, Lorna. I just want you to get better," she spoke firmly but in a tone that was loving and caring as well.
Therapy appointment? That was the second time Mikey heard about the therapy his younger sister was in and he still had yet to learn the reason of such. He quirked an eyebrow at Franny but she kept her mouth shut, didn't even subtly hint with her face or posture. A sigh escaped. His head turned away towards Lorna's direction but he couldn't see her face since it appeared her head was facing the redhead girl who sat on the bed in front of her. That girl must have been the infamous Nicky, he thought. At least it looked like she truly cared about Lorna he observed.
He didn't intend to interrupt but Lorna was his sister, after all, and he needed to know what exactly was going on in her life. Clearly, it was more than what she was willing to mention earlier. "Therapy? Lorna, what are you going to therapy for? I feel like I don't understand anything with you and Franny anymore." His eyes squinted worriedly at the youngest brunette, wishing she'd let him in a little bit. All he wanted was to help. He felt beyond helpless right now to either of his sisters.
But the more he let his mind wander over the matter, the sooner a light bulb went off inside. He stood back up from his chair and started making his way to Lorna. "Did dad finally realize the whole incident with Uncle George might have caused underlying issues—is that what you're in therapy for, Lorn?"
That was it. That was the last straw that broke Lorna's back. Or at least in her mind it had. Lorna couldn't even come up with words to speak right then. Her mouth was tongue tied and dry—so very dry. Parched. She needed water or possibly just an excuse to get the hell as far away from that room as possible. She knew Mikey's comment wouldn't go over well with her girlfriend. Of course it would cause concern and worry to come up for her. Nicky cared way too much about her and she didn't deserve any of it. She had to get out of that room to save Nicky all the trouble.
However, when she tried to inch her way to get off of the bed she instantly felt Nicky's arms tighten dramatically around her and snatch her even closer. So close that her face was pressing right into the older teen's chest. And though it was soothing and tempting to stay right there in the arms of her lover, the tightening in her own chest told her otherwise. She wasn't worthy of Nicky's warm affection, of her pure heart that only ever wanted to keep her safe and protected. None of that was earned by Lorna. Lorna was a bad seed—bad news. All she ever did was cause a tsunami of destruction anywhere she went.
"What, uh, what's this Uncle George incident you're talking about?"
Nicky broke the quiet spell after a several minute span of dead silence. Her arms were cradled securely around Lorna's waist but her own eyes were peering straight ahead in direction of the only man in the room who had been the last to speak, the man who must have been Lorna's older brother she determined. Eyebrows were arched up curiously over her big brown eyes. There felt like an elephant had been sitting on her chest—was she finally about to learn what the cause of those bruises she found on Lorna's thighs and vagina were?
Lorna tried to twist herself around so she could give her brother a stern stare but Nicky's arms wouldn't budge any. Her eyes slowly peered up at her girlfriend and she sucked in on her bottom lip.
Returning her gaze, Nicky only pulled her closer and gave a warm kiss over her forehead. "Just relax in my arms, doll," she whispered, saddened to see the agony coming from the younger girl's face. The desperation for her to not find out about whatever this incident happened to be. Obviously it was something bad that her poor Lorna felt wasn't important enough to be shared with anyone. A sigh came out and she shook her head, strengthening her hold on the girl. "I need to know what happened and I'm not letting you outta my arms because I know what you'll do. No more, baby, no more running away from your problems. Ya can't do it anymore. It's killing you."
Let it. Was what Lorna wanted to say back but instead all she did was grind harshly down on her teeth. Everything seemed to be crashing down on her all at once and, in that moment, death sounded more and more like the best thing that could happen to her.
"Uncle George just didn't like me and mom is all. He said mean things to mom a lot and then she got sick and—"
"No, Lorna, that's not the damn incident I'm talking about and you know it," Mikey hurriedly interjected, trying to keep from yelling but damn did he forget the lengths his younger sister would go to just to keep the truth from coming out. No wonder Franny looked so exhausted all the time. She had to deal with this on a daily basis. And though they both loved Lorna, it was more than clear she wasn't completely right in the head.
Lorna threw up her hands and violently gestured them around in the air. "It don't matter what incident you're talking about, Mikey, that's not even why I'm seeing a therapist. The only fucking reason I see her is because my stupid school thinks I'm a suicidal mental case."
"Well, are you?" Mikey quirked an eyebrow at her.
The question rapidly had tears lining the bottom of her eyes. Though she resisted letting them fall, she couldn't help but feel hurt to know her own brother would even ask such a question. Did he believe she was a mental case? She swallowed uneasily and fidgeted in Nicky's arms. "Am I a mental case? What the hell, Mikey? You hate me now too?"
"No, Lorna, I don't hate you or think you're a mental case. I'm asking if you're suicidal. Are you? Is that the real reason you're in the hospital? Did you try killing yourself?"
Suicidal? Did she try killing herself? Was that why she was in the hospital? Lorna gritted her teeth even further. What the hell was this, she thought, twenty fucking questions? Rage was boiling underneath her translucent skin. It was so fierce and powerful she was shocked no one else could see her veins literally bubbling through her merely see-through flesh. She swallowed the saliva which had been building up inside her mouth and grappled a hand on the back of her neck. Something needed to be done to quail her fury. And it had to be something subtle, something that would go unnoticed by anyone else because she was damn sick of everyone getting on her case about things that weren't even true of her.
"No, Mikey, I'm not fucking suicidal and I'm real tired a people sayin' that about me. I did not try to kill myself, the school is just out to get me. I swear and so is everyone else. I shouldn't be trapped here in the hospital, I'm fine. I'm more than fine. I wanna go home," Lorna cried, exasperation and frustration seeping from her voice. She wanted out of Nicky's arms but Nicky just wouldn't suffice. So she gripped even tighter on the back of her own neck, letting her nails sink into the skin of it.
Anger coursed through her like a cat on the prowl for prey. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake it away. The anger consumed her whole. The same way her mind consumed weight and calorie talk. It was beyond the point of overwhelming. She could barely catch her breath from how angry she felt. She didn't even know what was causing her this intense anger. Whether it was her brother questioning if she was suicidal or the fact that home didn't mean home anymore or if it was from a mixture of everything. She swallowed thickly and scraped her nails along the back of her neck. It didn't calm her in the way she was hoping it would.
Lorna shook her head, keeping her eyes anywhere but on her girlfriend who's arms remained wrapped around her the entire time. There truly was no escaping the reality she created herself. Or rather the reality Annalisa fucking Damiva created for her. If she made it through the shitshow of a reality life dished out to her, there was a strong chance it would be the demise of her. It had to be because she wasn't so sure how much more she could take without it having such negative consequences on her mind and soul.
"I don't even have a home to go home to. I have the fucking Chapmans, Mikey, the fucking goddamn Chapmans. But I rather be there right now than trapped in this god-forsaken evil hospital. I can't stand to be in this building another night, I can't. I don't even know why I'm still here, I feel fine. I'm not sick. My therapist just thinks I'm crazy, obviously."
Seeing the defensive and frustrated stance of his older sister who was sat right beside him, Mikey shook his head at her and nonverbally motioned for her to stay put. He knew Franny had the tendency to react to everything emotionally which would only make things worse. Both Franny and Lorna reacted on emotions and he knew if he let them hash this out nothing productive would come of it. He went all the way over to Lorna's bedside and pulled a chair to the side of it from its previous spot against the wall.
His mind was still trying to process everything he'd been disclosed in less than twelve hours he'd been back from the base. The regret he had for enlisting in the military continued to intensify the more he learned what all was going on in both of his sisters' lives. He should have been there for them—he should have been taking care of them and stopping all the shit that happened from even happening in the first place. He was a shitty brother, he realized with a deep sigh.
The thoughts were shaken from his awareness so that he could focus on Lorna now. He sat on the chair he'd moved to the side of her bed and fixed his eyes on the younger brunette, who was engulfed in her girlfriend's arms. Another sigh escaped from his lungs. Though he was disgruntled with himself for unintentionally abandoning his sisters having chose to leave for the army, he was grateful his younger sister had found someone who blatantly loved her enough to be here for her through whatever it was she was dealing with right now.
"I don't know who the damn Chapmans are, Lorn, but if they're your foster family then they should be here right now. And they're not so maybe I oughta talk to the social services and let them know. Clearly, ya should be living with people who care about your health. Which obviously ain't the Chapmans," Mikey started off, lifting his hands up and circling them in the air much like Lorna had done with her own several moments prior.
A large breath of air expelled through his nose as he placed his hand on the rail of his sister's bed. "But that's not the problem here, is it? You're upset about something but I have a feelin' it's more than these Chapman folks. I don't know exactly why you're here either," he paused to take in a breath, "but I'm not blind. You don't look fine, Lorn. Ya look like somethin's wrong. I mean I know it's been a while since I was last home but ya don't look like the same Lorna anymore."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean, Mikey?" Lorna bit back, defensiveness kicking in full gear. She dug her teeth into the flesh of her tongue, not even letting up when she felt a sticky substance come in contact with it. "You think I look fatter, is that what you're tryna say? That's probably why I'm here because I'm so fucking fat."
Mikey watched with lines creased worriedly on his forehead. How did Lorna come to that conclusion from what he'd said? It wasn't even a true statement—the closer he looked her over the easier it was to see how thin and tiny her body had become. Even the last time he was there—right after the passing of Mrs. Morello—he could see how small Lorna's frame appeared. He wondered if that might have been part of the reason she was in the hospital now. Maybe she'd been malnourished from all the weight drastically melting away and that caused her passing out spell in her therapy appointment the other day.
Yet, before he had the chance to even open his mouth, Nicky was the one to respond to Lorna's slight outburst. Her hands framed delicately around each of her cheeks, holding her face out a few inches from her own. Eyes peered firmly into the younger teen's. She traced the tips of her fingers along the soft flesh of her face and let out an elongated sigh. "Maybe now is the perfect time to talk about what happened in the cafeteria. It's so obvious that you have a problem, doll, and the more you deny it the longer you'll have to deal with it. Why don't ya just be open about it, yeah?" She pushed loose strands of brown hair back with her thumbs.
"I don't have a problem, Nicky. The only problem I have is that I'm unfairly in this hospital when I don't need to be. There are actual sick people who need to be in here and I'm just taking up space for no good reason."
Watching Lorna continue to deny the truth took a heavy toll on Nicky. She swallowed uneasily but kept her focus directly in front of her on the brunette. Her hands remained on her cheeks and she shook her head at her, leaning closer so that their foreheads melded into one. "You do have a problem, doll. You are sick, that's why you're here. You need help getting better, ya can't do it alone. You have to start admitting that—"
Shaking her head profusely, Lorna peered wide-eyed back at her. Why was everyone so suddenly believing into such a narrative? A narrative brought on by fucking Annalisa of all people. One that Mikey nor Franny hadn't even been aware of and yet they, too, were buying into it. They all just wanted her to stay fat, clearly. Because if she stayed fat that meant they would all continue to be skinnier than her. Of course—it was no wonder they kept saying she needed to help and the hospital. So they could be the thin ones. But she wasn't going to allow that to continue. Oh, hell no. She was getting out of this hospital even if she had to do it when no one was watching. Even…even if she had to call in the Chapmans for fuck's sake. Lorna was desperate.
Seconds after she thought all of that her guilt rose to the surface with a vengeance. Guilty towards herself for the vindictive, cruel, mindset she had. She had no one to blame for her current predicament but her own self. This was her fault for everything that she did. And all of it clearly started the day she was born—no, scratch that, the day she was mistakenly conceived. Her father might not have thought she heard the many times he told her mother that he wished she'd have just gone through with an abortion or, even yet, a morning after pill but she sure did, with the paper thin walls and his room-booming yells, she heard every spiteful word he said about her to Mrs. Morello. And it wasn't the comments he made about herself that hurt her the most, it was the pain it caused her mom—the pain her mom took on to keep her safe. She couldn't bare the visual it brought to her mind every time she thought about it.
"My mom was sick, Nicky, with cancer. She was someone who needed to be in a place like this where she could get medicine and stuff to get rid of the sickness. None of that worked but she was truly sick. I'm not sick. I don't have cancer or anything medical wrong with me so therefore I don't need to be in this place. Someone like my mom could use this room and I am wasting it. Do the doctors and nurses not know that? Why aren't they coming in here to kick me out already?"
"Sweetheart, just because ya don't have cancer doesn't mean you aren't struggling with an illness too," Nicky affectionately pointed out, securing her hold on Lorna's face with one hand and waist with the other. A snuffle came out of her as she gazed intently into the brown eyes of her lover. She swallowed, tracing a thumb from one side of her forehead to the other. "You're not wasting this room, you need to be here. Dr. Poussey made that very clear yesterday. You are not okay, kid, no matter how many times you say you are. You're not. You have to stop with the pretending, it's only hurting you more and more. The only way you'll get better is by being honest with yourself and the rest of us. Ya gotta start being honest, doll, otherwise the lying and pretending is gonna eat you alive. Literally. Please, Lorna, please start opening up to me. You're already in bad shape, you cannot afford to get any sicker."
Mikey nodded his head agreeably, glancing at the pair of them with sad eyes. "Your girlfriend's right, Lorn, if ya keep denying what you're doing to yourself the worse off you'll be. Nobody in this room wants to watch you slowly kill yourself. Ya might not think that's what you're doing but by starving yourself of food, eventually your body ain't gonna be able to work no more," he tried to be softer with his words but naturally spoke in a matter-of-fact tone.
Everyone was ganging up on her was what it felt like to Lorna. Her eyes shifted away from her girlfriend and across the bed to her brother, squinting at him as she stared. "Starving myself? Who the hell did ya hear that from? What the hell is this some sorta intervention? Not a good one since ya failed to get a psychologist in here, too. What's next you're gonna have me locked in a mental institution? Good, go ahead. Go ahead and throw me away, please. At least I wouldn't have to go back to school tomorrow and get told how much of a damn failure I am in every single one of my classes," she threw her arms up in emphasis. Head shook at the same fast rate in which her heart-beat seemed to be climbing.
Her heart-rate was speeding up at such an alarming rate that even the monitor, which no longer attached to her body, started to beep in a profusely loud manner. She didn't care though, all she wanted was to get as far away from that entire place as possible. And the only way she could do that was by getting the damn IV line pulled out of her veins.
Nicky eyed her suspiciously and when she saw Lorna's hands making their way towards the taped IV on her forearm, she quickly stopped her by placing her own hands firmly atop of hers. "Lorna, what were ya about to do?"
"Let go of me, Nicky, please."
"Not until you answer my question. What were you doing with your hands on the IV?"
A gulp was given. Lorna tried her hardest to release her hands from underneath Nicky's but her attempts only made the grasp tighten. And now not only did her hands become constricted but so did her face from Nicky's other hand lifting up to securely frame around her cheek. A breath of air huffed its way out. "Nicky, please let me go. I need, um, I need…I—I uh I need—"
Quirking a worried eyebrow, Lorna's pleading only strengthened Nicky's grasp on her. "What do ya need, doll? It's okay, tell me what's going on in your head. I'm here to help you, whatever ya need you can tell me," she lovingly assured the smaller girl.
"I need you to let go of my hands, please," Lorna begged, peering into her eyes with strongly oozing desperation. She should have seen this coming. With Nicky's incessant watchful eyes on her, she should have known what a stupid idea it was for her to try and free herself of that IV. But, god, the anger and frustration and plain exhaustion from everything blinded her in the moment. Encouraged her to act on impulse rather than rationalizing how awful of a decision it happened to be she made.
Squeezing her eyes closed for a moment, Nicky used that time to inhale slowly. She needed to push past her own frustration right now. Lorna was a mess and she needed to be stable for her. But it was draining her quite quickly Lorna's continuous choice to ignore the problems. There wasn't enough oxygen for her to take in to prepare her on how to move forward on this situation with Lorna. So much needed to be discussed and brought to light but Lorna's refusal to even acknowledge the existences of those topics made it mere impossible.
"What are you gonna do if I let go of your hands? I need an answer. I'm not letting go until you give me one, kid. I mean it. I love you," she murmured, stroking a thumb delicately around the flesh of her cheek. Her lips gave a soothing peck to that same spot seconds later. "I love you so much but right now I don't trust you."
The more Nicky interrogated the more uncomfortable Lorna grew sitting there. If she had access to her hand she would have easily swung it up to the back of her neck and scratched roughly at it. But Nicky continued to refuse to let go of it. A sigh came through her esophagus at that point; all she wanted was to be able to leave the hospital. Was that so much to ask? Her lower lip sunk in beneath her top one. "I love you too, Nicky, but I need my hands back. Please. Let go of them, please. Why are you doing this to me? I just—I don't understand, Nicky."
Resting their foreheads back together, Nicky let her eyes meld into Lorna's. It was a challenge to see her like this but she couldn't back away. No matter how much Lorna pleaded. Lorna needed to stop running away from her problems. All that was doing and would continue to do was slowly kill her and Nicky couldn't even fathom losing the one girl who she loved so much she could actually see a future with. No way in hell would she let go of Lorna.
Letting her lips tenderly press onto the tip of the brunette's nose, Nicky pushed a couple of strands of brown hair away from her eyes. "I love you so fucking much, babe. I can't let go of you because I don't want to lose you."