Chapter Seventy-Two
An entire ten minutes had passed since that comment slipped through Nicky's mouth. No one said anything, the room sat silently with an eerie aura throughout. Lorna felt tears lurking below the lids of her eyes and she finally moved her head to stare at everyone else who remained in her room with them. After hearing how broken Nicky sounded—nearly matching how she, herself, felt—Lorna knew the two of them needed privacy. She couldn't allow Nicky to carry such a burden any longer. It took a dark toll for she to carry it all these years and she wasn't going to let someone she loved to suffer the same fate.
Her hands remained held down by Nicky's so she couldn't give in to her temptation to slick her hair back with one of them as she often did when her nerves were flaring like they happened to be now. "Um, uh, can—can anyone who's not Nicky leave my room…please? I wanna talk to her alone," her voice lightly shook as she threw out her request. She watched as the three others gave a nod to it and started making their ways out, though she could clearly tell Mikey and Franny weren't exactly thrilled to be giving into her demand. But regardless of their feelings, Lorna watched them go out through the door behind Alex.
Once the door was closed shut again and the two of them were the only ones remaining in the room, the younger of the two drew in a deep breath and returned her head in its previous position right in front of Nicky's face. Her hands were becoming antsier by the second the longer they were constrained by one of Nicky's strong ones. She wanted them back, now, so that she could use them to bring comfort to Nicky. Because what was even more important to her than pushing away her own issues was making sure Nicky wasn't taking them on herself.
"Nicky, hon, can I have my hands back please?" This time when she asked the question her voice was soft and gentle rather than frantic and bewildered. Eyes gazed a lot less apprehensively than earlier, instead they held a strong sense of compassion for her girlfriend within them.
Now that they were alone some of the tightness in Nicky's chest released itself. Yet, she didn't budge from moving her hand off of Lorna's. She still hadn't completely trusted what she'd do if her hand did release the hold. Her breath remained hitched as she pondered over what possible things her very vulnerable girlfriend could do if she had control of both of her hands again and none of them were encouraging to her. None of them made her feel safe allowing her grasp to loosen any let alone release all together.
"I don't trust what you'll do, kid. I'm worried about you. So fucking worried. I can't lose you; I really can't." The words slightly tremored out of Nicky's mouth as she stared fiercely back at the shorter girl. Lines creased upon the flesh of her forehead reflecting just how worried and concerned she truly was for Lorna. A breath slowly exhaled out of her; she used her free hand to press onto the skin of Lorna's forehead, letting the palm of it stroke slowly from one side to the other.
Lorna swallowed uneasily when she finally had the chance to absorb fully how agonized Nicky looked before her. The way her voice faintly shook—which for Nicky was a highly rare occurrence—and how her eyes now appeared somewhat frazzled. All of it was completely taken in by Lorna's own eyes. And it only built onto her already guilty pang previously formed in her chest. Since she couldn't use her hands just yet she did the only thing she could in that moment and nuzzled her nose tenderly over the tip of Nicky's. "I need my hands back so I can comfort you, hon."
Her voice was utterly warm and soft and almost unbearably soothing to Nicky's ears. It instantly formed goosebumps all throughout the skin of her body. Once again she was left feeling vastly confused on when the attention turned onto herself. Why so suddenly was Lorna turning the tables on her? But yet having Lorna's nose so lovingly pressing onto the flesh of her own was enough to cease her questioning mind. She swallowed a lump and very slowly released her grasp from Lorna's smaller hands.
"Comfort me? Kid, you're the one I'm worried about—"
The brunette quickly hushed her by encircling both of her arms securely around her waist and finally letting her body lay back against the mattress of her bed with Nicky being pulled down along with her. She settled Nicky's head up on her shoulder so that she was still able to properly look her in the eyes. A frown molded onto her face the longer her stare lingered on her. She brought a hand up and placed it on one of Nicky's cheeks, brushing the tips of her fingers slowly up and down along its flesh. "You said ya don't wanna lose me, Nicky, and that—I just, I wanna lay here and hold you," she softly murmured, lips pressing delicately onto the rim of one of the older girl's ear.
"My, my Nicky…I-I'm so sorry you're feeling this way…I didn't…I didn't even realize how much pain I was or am causing ya," she truthfully told her after a moment of silence between the two. Her other hand was brought up to slick back her own brown hair. Something she'd been longing to do since earlier when her emotions were nearly controlling her to a point she could hardly breathe.
"Lorna, doll, ya don't have to apologize. It's not your fault—you can't control how I feel, remember?"
Nicky curved an eyebrow at her but nestled her head even closer on her shoulder—so close it was nearing the side of Lorna's face where she let her cheek press softly up against. Maybe this was exactly what the both of them needed right now. Was the closeness of each other's bodies and arms wrapped tightly around one another. At least Nicky knew she certainly needed this more than anything in that moment. Having Lorna in such a close proximity to her meant that she wasn't magically going to fade away right then and there. For as long as the two of them were laid there in Lorna's hospital bed together, neither one of them would have to fret over losing the other.
That was a comment Lorna couldn't really argue with. Hell even if she wanted to dispute it she certainly didn't have the energy to carry through. So, she gave a small nod in return and let one of her arms snake around Nicky's waist. Her arm naturally pulled the older girl closer and she utilized her other hand to reach for the blanket, bringing it up to cover around the both of them.
Though she still had the burning desire to rip that damn IV from her arm and run the hell out of the building, having Nicky curled up in her arms was sufficient to retain her from acting on such an urge. Nicky needed her for a change and Lorna certainly wasn't going to abandon her now. Nicky had done so much for her; it was her turn to do the same. Something she was grateful to have the opportunity to do. Her heart ached and bled for Nicky—she'd do anything for her. Well, anything that didn't require her revealing her own problems to her, she thought.
"I just feel bad that I've been so caught up with my own stupid shit that I, uh, I didn't even think what all of that was doing to you, hon. I love you so much, Nicky, and I don't want you taking on any of my pain. You, you don't need that in your life. You already worry way too much about me please don't try to bare my pain on top of that," Lorna softly pleaded, holding Nicky's face out in front of her own with one hand.
Resting on her side, still in Lorna's arms with her own wrapped around her shoulders, Nicky gazed into her eyes and let out a sigh. A frown melded on her face, one matching the frown residing on her girlfriend's. "Babe, you have no reason to feel bad. Ya have so much going on in your life right now and you need to open up about it, that's all. I'm worried about losing you to yourself. Why don't we talk about the incident with Annalisa? It's just us now, doll, you can be completely open with me. It's okay," her voice progressively grew softer and softer with each word that came out.
A fervent head shake was given at the suggestion. Now was not the time to be talking about any of that, Lorna already made her mind up the second she kicked the others out of the room. However, she didn't become defensive after like she usually did when Nicky or anyone suggested they talk about whatever incident had occurred at that particular point in time. Rather, she only cuddled Nicky closer in her arms and pressed her lips on the top of her head.
Hands raked tenderly through thick strands of red curls. What the two of them needed most right now, Lorna thought, was to just be there in each other's arms and love on one another. In a comforting and soothing way, of course, she revised. "Later, hon, later. I think right now we should just lay here and maybe try to rest, hmm?" Her arms naturally tightened around Nicky's waist and her eyes gradually became heavier and heavier. But she refused to let them shut until she got a response from the other.
Securing her arms even further around Lorna's waist, Nicky nodded intuitively and snuggled closer. A hand was reached up to gently touch against the bottom of the brunette's chin. "Yeah? You tired, doll?" She warmly queried, brushing the tips of her fingers along the flesh of the chin her hand was resting on top of.
The small nod and subsequent yawn she received in response was all the confirmation she needed to fully agree to the request. Maybe a nap was what they both needed right then, she thought as an instinctive yawn escaped her next. A faint chuckle followed suit. Damn yawns for being contagious, she silently commented. Her lips found their way onto the corners of Lorna's, pressing down on each one before returning her head to rest once more on her shoulder.
"Okay, kid, we'll just cuddle here together so you can get some sleep," Nicky confirmed, even though she was having a hard time now keeping her own eyes from instinctively squeezing shut.
Another yawn made its way from her mouth and she nestled her head back towards the side of Lorna's face so that their cheeks were delicately brushing against each other's. "But," she held up a finger right in front of Lorna's eyes, "later after you've had a rest, we need to actually talk about the incident, yeah? Both incidents. I mean it, babe. I know ya wanna wait til' tomorrow but I think it'd be better to start today. Because if ya put it off til' tomorrow, who's to say ya won't try putting it off til' the day after and then the day after? Once ya start procrastinating, it's hard to stop. Believe me, Lorna, I do understand and I get it. You know I'm not a big fan of being emotional in front of you or anyone but sometimes we just gotta do things that make us uncomfortable. It sucks but it is what is. Just know that no matter what, I'm here. I'm here for you and I won't let you go through this alone, baby. I'm here to support and love you through all of this."
It was nearing three o'clock in the evening when the pair had finally woken once more—or rather Lorna had woken, eyes observing her girlfriend who had long maneuvered herself over to the reclining chair a few feet from the bed. A small smile couldn't resist from forming on her face to see the peaceful mien upon her sweet Nicky's angelic slumbering one. She tilted her head slightly and inhaled a nice big breath. Even though life was going to shit for her right at the moment, her girlfriend's sleeping figure had the ability to strike her with a rather intense wave of comfort.
She sat up in her bed with her head focused straight ahead for several long minutes just watching Nicky sleep. The soft breathing that accompanied her rest infested the room with a sense of easement. A sense of calming and tranquility. Her fingers busied themselves by clawing around the pale blanket covering over her lower body, stroking and brushing it as if it were the thick mane of Nicky's hair.
The squealing of the door's opening was the only thing to snap Lorna out of her peaceful daze. Fear rapidly settled inside as she cautiously turned her head in its direction. Her mind ran with many different culprits for who could be on the other side of it and none of them were particularly comforting. She tried to calm her nerves by mentally assuring herself there was no way it was Annalisa—which in the grand scheme of things was likely the least of her problems. Sure Annalisa was menacing and demeaning towards her but at least she wasn't trying to snatch her liver—or parts of her liver—away from her. And she'd only have to put up with her for a few more years unlike her father who she was trapped with until the day he died.
"Oh, Lorna," a familiar Russian accent broke the silence and effortlessly ripped away all of Lorna's growing worries and fears.
Red gently made her way fully in the room, quietly shutting the door behind her once she caught a glimpse of her daughter's sleeping silhouette in the chair near the bed. A somber expression displayed on her face as she slowly came over to the brunette teen's bedside. She stood to the side of it, giving her a hard look over. The current predicament Lorna was in hadn't surprised or shocked her one bit. With how sickly she'd looked the past several times Red had seen her, she knew there was something seriously wrong with her.
A breath exhaled out of her. One hand gently reached out to comfortingly rest upon a pale-colored cheek. "Nicky told me you were here in the hospital. I woulda come sooner but I couldn't call off work so last minute—"
Nodding, Lorna waved a hand in the air and sat herself up a bit more. "Oh, no, I understand. I shouldn't even be here much longer. I feel fine, just real antsy to leave."
Giving a soft stroke to the flesh of her cheek, Red narrowed her eyes on her and cleared her throat. Lorna sure was good at trying to convince herself and others to believe the lies which so easily spewed from her mouth. When it was clear by her appearance she was weak and ill, her body so frail and pale that anyone who walked past could see the veins poking from her skin. Red sighed, shaking her head. How mentally exhausting it had to be to be Lorna. To constantly have to come up with lies out of wanting to not bother people who only cared and wanted to be there for her. People who didn't feel bothered at all but Lorna put it in her head that they did.
"You feel fine, huh?" Red quirked an eyebrow.
Her hand released from Lorna's cheek and she perched herself on a vacant chair a couple of feet away. She held onto the sides of it in order to scoot it closer to the bed. Once she was situated, she recaptured her previous grasp on Lorna's cheek and gazed firmly into her brown eyes. Though the young teen claimed she was fine, her eyes and face told another story. One that was easily read by Red's blue ones. She brushed her fingertips soothingly around each cheek, "Your eyes look bloodshot, Lorna. I don't think you really feel fine. You look tired."
Tired? A silent huff came out of her. That wasn't too far off from the truth, Lorna mentally acknowledged. Tired was one way of summing up how she currently felt. Tired. Physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. God was she emotionally fucking tired. Drained, fatigued. Most of all, however, she was tired of being in this damn hospital. It certainly wasn't doing a damn thing for her other than driving her mentally insane. Tired of being in that bed, watching as time continued to pass by and still she remained connected to an IV.
A sigh escaped her as she came out of her thoughts and returned Red's stare. Despite Red and Nicky not being blood-related, they both had the same all-knowing stare Lorna learned early on. Both could read her like a book and she hated that. All she wanted was to protect the people she loved, to keep them safe from the darkness she always seemed to bring with her but the surrogate mother and daughter duo easily found some way or another to halt her from doing so.
"I'm tired of a lotta things right now, Red," Lorna finally voiced her thoughts aloud. She swallowed a wad of saliva and fixed her eyes on a blank spot on the wall straight ahead. That much was true; she was tired of dealing with so much damn shit all at once. Her brain felt cloudy and numb from everything. She could barely function as easily as she once had been able to.
Red nodded attentively, lightly caressing the palm of her hand along the cheek it still rested atop of. The subtle exhaustion inflected through Lorna's voice brought a faint pang to her chest. She looked down at her with a maternal affection expressed on her face. It had to be hard on the young brunette dealing with so much and not having her mother there to help her through. Her head turned to glance around the room and besides Nicky asleep on the recliner, no one else was there.
A frown melded onto her face as she fixed her head back in its prior spot. Eyebrows curved curiously over her eyes which now were peering back onto Lorna. "Has your foster family been to visit you, Lorna?" The question spilled from her mouth, one leg simultaneously crossing over the other. She felt a breath exhale through her nose. She hoped the answer she received would be a yes—she couldn't imagine they wouldn't have stopped by. They did choose to take her in, after all.
"No," was the brunette's rather meek response. Her shoulders bounced up slightly, eyes retaining their focus on the wall. Counting how many microscopic chips of paint there were throughout it. She sighed and wished the CPS lady would somehow find out about the Chapmans' not caring enough to pay her a visit. Maybe that would prove to that damned Mrs. Figueroa how the Chapmans weren't genuinely interested in her well-being like her own sister was.
The simple no given to her query only encouraged the pang in her chest to deepen. A sigh forced its way through her esophagus. She moved her hand from Lorna's cheek to reach for one of her hands, instead, and gave it a comforting squeeze. "No? Have they at least called you or tried to reach out to you somehow? You are their foster daughter, they should be worrying about you," her voice sternly interrogated, teeth slightly grinding together the more she let her mind ponder on the matter.
A solemn shake of her head was the acknowledgement Lorna gave to Red's heated round of questioning. Nicky was lucky to have someone like Red in her life now, Lorna silently determined, someone who had so much care and love for her. The corners of her lips gradually curved upward into a vastly muted smile. Nicky deserved to have Red in her life as a maternal figure. Sure, Lorna might have been stuck with a sucky foster family but that wasn't anything compared to Nicky's upbringing, she concluded. Having to spend sixteen years living with an insanely narcissistic mother who probably spent a lot of the time neglecting her certainly couldn't have had a beneficial impact on Nicky's mental well-being.
She swallowed and shook her mind loose of the many thoughts causing a muck inside her head. Her mind wasn't making it easy for her to focus on what was happening on the outside, that much was clear. She shifted her head somewhat so that her eyes fell onto Nicky's sleeping form once more. So peaceful and angelic, she thought despite the smile morphing into a frown. Nicky held on to a lot of her own pain and probably hadn't been sleeping enough in the night from being swallowed down by it. Lorna bit into the flesh of her tongue as the realization dawned on her. Of all the people in the world Nicky was the last person who deserved to be taken into the vortex of her dark and twisted world. She brought a hand up and pushed back strands of her brown hair.
"They haven't come by to check in on you or called?" Red questioned one final time, mostly out of disbelief for the behavior her foster parents were showing. It angered her a great deal to think about. Seeing Lorna's head bob up and down only fueled the anger further. The thought left her mouth tasting quite bitter. She folded her arms over her chest and gave a firm stare across at the teen. "I'm sorry, honey. I can't believe they aren't here to make sure you're all right. I mean they chose to foster you—no one made them do it, they wanted to help and now they have the damn nerve to not even call you? Do they even know you're here?"
"S'okay, Red. It's not a big deal, really. I mean they're not my real family, anyway, so I'm not upset by it."
Lorna shrugged her shoulders while keeping her stare on Nicky. Watching as her chest slowly moved up down. At least she had Nicky. Even though Nicky spent way too much time fussing over her. She sighed. Nicky shouldn't be trapped with her. It was obviously taking a toll on her and Lorna refused to let it persist. She couldn't, not when she loved Nicky as much as she did. She couldn't allow her to sink into the hole any further with her. It would only continue to hurt her.
"No, it's not okay. They are legally responsible for you right now, Lorna, and they need to be here with you. But they aren't. And that's not okay. Normal parents—regardless of if they're fosters or not—would be panicked if they haven't heard from their child but the Chapmans' haven't even been concerned enough to pick up the damn phone to call you? What kind of people are they?"
Red shook her head and tried to push away the anger. She busied herself with gently brushing her thumb along each of Lorna's knuckles. It hurt her motherly heart to know these foster parents weren't even trying to reach Lorna. She wanted to find where they were and shake the stupid out of them but knew how poor of an idea that was. Instead, she settled for just continuing the soothing motion on Lorna's hand and observing her with two concerned blue eyes.
"Mrs. Chapman isn't real fond of me, really. She probably is glad I'm not there to get on her nerves. I just wish the stupid CPS lady would let me go back to Franny's place. I'm sick of the Chapmans'." Frustration trickled through her voice.
Said frustration did not go unnoticed by Mrs. Reznikov. Her lips curved down in a frown. It was understandable for Lorna to feel frustrated. What she was dealing with was enough for anyone to feel frustrated. Hell, she wouldn't blame her for being pissed off too. It certainly hadn't been fair for one person to be forced to go through as much as Lorna currently was. A breath forced its way out through her throat. She gave a gentle squeeze to the hand she was holding and used her other one to wave in front of the brunette's face to regain her stare.
Once brown eyes were looking into her lighter colored ones, Red drew in a deep huff of air. "Well, does this CPS worker ever drop in for visits? Because I, too, think she should be made aware of this situation. I don't think it's right for your foster family to have you when they can't even pick up the damn phone to call you. You should be with people who truly care about you and the Chapmans' actions clearly contradict that. Hell, I'm tempted to track down this CPS lady and tell her myself," Red stated, shaking her head distastefully.
Lorna rolled her head around her shoulders before recoiling them upwards in a shrug. "She came once but I don't know how to call her or nothin'. Franny filed for guardianship of me anyway, so, she should be hearing back from that soon…I hope," the last part spoken in more of a whisper. She shifted her eyes down on the blanket, letting the threads captivate her attention momentarily.
"That's good, then. Hopefully soon you'll be moving back with your sister." The Russian school nurse patted Lorna's hand and gave a concurrent nod.
Sunlight poured in the room from the window behind Lorna's bed, immediately enticing Red's blue eyes to peer in its direction. Spring was on the cusp and she couldn't be more grateful. Winter was a depressing time of year, she deemed. Her frown turned up into a smile as she watched a couple of birds fly from one branch to the next. Once they were out of sight, she brought her stare back onto Lorna. "So, how did ya pass out? Is it from your lack of food intake?"
The heat of the sun could easily be felt on the tops of her shoulders from its beams shining in through the window behind her. Such sensation was sufficient at keeping her irritation from displaying outward. She stared right back at the older woman, blinking her eyes as if they would magically give off some sort of signal. "I don't know, I was just—I think I was just overwhelmed is all. I don't not eat. It had nothin' to do with food, Red."
"Hmm," the school nurse hummed in response. She certainly hadn't believed Lorna ate but wasn't keen on starting an argument with her over the fact. Not now when she appeared so fragile. Rather, she let go of her hand and decided on settling it right atop one of her knees which remained covered by the threaded blanket. "What were you overwhelmed about, honey? I know there's a lot going on in your life right now. That can't be easy," she patted her hand tenderly against the knee it grasped.
"I don't know—I mean it happened when I was in therapy. I felt like Dr. Washington and Nicky were both kinda ganging up on me and it's just not fair. I don't understand why they and everyone thinks I have an issue with food. I don't. I have no problem with food. Why do you think I don't eat, Red?" Lorna queried, waggling an eyebrow interestedly at her.
Red looked her over methodically and sighed. She felt for the young brunette; she really did. Lorna had a lot going on right now, it was no wonder she might have been suffering with a food problem—even if she refused to admit it. She gave her knee a squeeze and tilted her head a bit. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Lorna. I don't think they were trying to gang up on you or anything like that—they just want you to be honest with yourself, sweetheart. You're not being honest with you or anyone else. I don't just think, I know you don't eat. Why?" She repeated the question, now folding both arms over chest as she lifted an eyebrow.
The other nodded and Red took in air. "Because you are skinnier and skinnier each time I see you. Your skin is so pale that we can almost see right through it."
Her eyes kept watch on Lorna to see her reaction and wasn't surprised at all when she noticed her defensive nature start to kick in. Sometimes the truth needed to be given in a raw manner, she thought. Especially to someone like Lorna who happened to be one of the most stubborn people she'd known—after her Nicky, of course.
Air loudly puffed out of her. "I've been a school nurse since probably before you were born, honey, and I've seen a lotta students come in my office in that time. I know an eating disorder when I see one and there's not a doubt in my mind you have one."
"But, Red, that's crazy. I don't have one."
Red quirked an eyebrow at her. "And what makes ya say that?"
The brunette swallowed uneasily, her head shaking profusely. Hands fidgeting in her lap, the palms growing incessantly more sweaty by the second. "Because I don't. And fuck—even if I did, that's the least of my problems right now. I am so, so, fucking messed up, Red."