Peeling Off the Layers, Until You're You (a One Piece Fanfiction) by Seth's Kiss:
A/N: Hello! It's been a while, I know, I know, I'm so sorry T_T But I'm here now, woohoo! And with the final chapter of this story, YAY! Well, there will be a little epilogue after this, maybe? I hope so, to be honest, it'd make more sense if there was - for me silly, little brain anyways (yes, I am a weird one, couldn't you tell? Really? After all this time? Seriously? XD)
Also, just want to share I made Sanji more or less OCC here - he will be quite emotional, so my apologies for doing that, yeah. I mean, he is a bit more sensitive compared to Zoro for example, but I might've milked that a bit more than I should have? I don't know, ya'll judge...
Note: Despite the light-heartedness of this particular fic, it also deals with a realistic situation - because I don't want to call it an issue, it ain't one, not really. Gender identity crisis is a real struggle for many, and for some, it genuinely takes years upon years to reach that point of self-discovery where they are finally comfortable in their own skin. It's not easy, especially if you're in a position where you feel no one gets it, no one is helping and no one supports you. There will always be someone. Just look hard. You're never alone. You are valid. You matter. Always.
Chapter 4: Be Who You Are
Sanji was nervous as hell. Point in fact, he didn't think he had ever been this nervous before. He was drowning in a deep sea of anxiety and stress so palpable, he basically was radiating it. And he would've continued to do so, if not for Zoro gently touching his arm, grounding him: "You with me, Cook?"
That was an excellent question indeed. Was he?
Agitated blue eyes met calm black ones, and Sanji gave himself permission to breathe again. He wasn't alone. Zoro was here. He would be alright. Or at least, if he wasn't, he knew who to turn to. To the one person who knew. To the only one, he was sure would not question him. For being himself - as confusing as being himself was at the moment.
"Yeah, I- I'm here. I'm fine, Marimo."
The for now was there and in the air, unmistakable for both of them - Sanji was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to hide it even he wanted to, and Zoro was just that damn perceptive.
But the swordsman, thankfully, chose to not remark on it, instead totally changing the subject, giving the blond male a once-over, from head to toe before faintly arching an eyebrow at him: "Why?"
"Why what, Marimo?" returned Sanji stiffly as he crossed his arms quickly for good measure, pretending to appear annoyed, even though he knew well what the other was asking and why, but downright refusing to be the one to start this conversation.
"Gonna make me say it?" drawled out Zoro, unimpressed but seeing through the other, easily "Alright then, what's with that get-up, Sanji?"
Ignoring how Zoro saying his name made him tingle so oddly, Sanji glanced down at himself.
Gone was the dress. Gone were the heels and accessories. Gone was the make-up and the wig. Instead, he had donned his trademark attire - as seen in the official artwork, somewhere(1) – which consisted of his tailored black suit that had earned the notorious name of the Black Leg. His blond hair, without the wig, had not changed an inch from what he had been known by. And during the time it had took both him and Zoro to sail back to their nakama - seven days -he had grown out some facial hair, notably his signature moustache and stubble. It was Sanji. But at the same time, it wasn't.
It didn't feel wrong, but it didn't feel right either. And this actually disturbed Sanji to no end. He had no clue, no idea what to think, what to feel. Nor who to be.
But he would worry about it after, later. After all, this wasn't really about him at the moment. And he didn't want Zoro to convince him that it ought to be. Because Sanji couldn't have that.
"It's fine, Marimo," sniffed the blond male, before jutting his chin out stubbornly when Zoro merely raised an eyebrow in response, clearly doubtful "Oi. I just fuckin' told you, it's FINE."
"Tough luck, don't believe you," countered the swordsman simply, ignoring the other's glare "You don't have anything to be afraid of, you know?"
"Fuck you. I am. NOT. Bloody. Afraid," whispered Sanji furiously, crossing his arms tetchily and biting down hard on the cigarette he had just lit, before adding for good measure "Baka."
Rolling his eyes at the other, Zoro decided to let it go for now, readjusting his swords at his waist, before looking back down at the log post Nami had sent him, by air, for their way back.
They shouldn't be far now. That, was both good and bad. Sanji was already a conflicted mess. So, Zoro truly had no idea how he would fare once on the ship again, and back with everyone. Honestly? Knowing their nakama, he doubted a single one of them wouldn't be supportive - surprised and stunned for sure, but definitely supportive, sooner or later.
But the swordsman also grasped that the blond male couldn't see, nor register that, right now. This was all new and daunting for him. And rejection was something that would break Sanji. Even though it was unlikely, given their crew's nature and tight relationship with one another, the thought alone of not being accepted was enough to put Black Leg on edge... Zoro got that.
And even if he could tell for himself, he had also been confronted back on Momoiro Island, where he had found Sanji, by all the Newkama Followers, in addition to their leader/captain, Empress Ivankov.
They had taken it upon themselves to sit Zoro down, alone, the morning before he and Sanji were meant to depart, and dutifully, sensibly explained to him what gender identity crisis, in addition what gender dysphoria, were and entailed. Long story short, it was too complicated, to Zoro at least, but what he did understand it was a genuine struggle for the one enduring either. It also wasn't the same for everyone, and each had a specific way of identifying, seeing and discovering themselves, particular, personal, and individual ways of being, of existing - people's battles, though more or less founded on the same or at the very least similar reasons, were very different from one another.
Shaking his head and refocusing on the present, Zoro came to a halt, what he caught sight of in the distance just about taking his breath away, before the widest of all grins graced his lips: "We're here, Shitty Cook."
Sanji froze where he stood, looking up at the Thousand Sunny with wide eyes. He hadn't seen the ship, his home, in over two years. He hadn't been with his crew, his nakama, his friends, his family, in over two years.
What if they had changed? If they had, would it be hard for them to accept him as he is now? ...What even was he anyways?
Zoro holding his hand out to him shocked Sanji back to the reality of the now, blue eyes wide zeroing in on the swordsman's features. Features that were not judging, or chiding, or unkind. Trying not to give it too much thought, Sanji gingerly took the other's hand, gripping it like a life-line, before allowing himself be led onwards by the other male. But kept his head down, letting his bangs fall over his eyesight, blinding him, covering him, hiding him, shielding him. He wasn't as ready as he thought he had been. He was not ready at all. Fuck. FuckFuckFuck-
"SANJIIIIIII!"
Even though he thought he had convinced himself otherwise, Sanji's head snapped upwards, blue eyes going wide, bright with unshed tears at the sight of several people lunging his way. Many arms wrapped round him, encasing him in the warmest embrace. Sanji inhaled shakily, overwhelmed by emotion, unsure which one to feel first, all of them tossing, turning, toppling. Closing his eyes, he didn't resist melting in the embrace of those who had practically jumped on him, to hug him with all their might and affection.
"Ayyy, Sanji, my man! It's been SO long!" cheered Usopp, burlier and bearded now too, as he sniffed and wiped away at his eyes, cheeks and nose, before letting out a loud happy laugh.
"Sanjiiiii, WAAAAAAAAAA!" wailed Chopper joyously, emotions and tears overflowing as he, still small, still sweet, clung onto Sanji like the latter was going to vanish into thin air. Again.
"Sanjiiiiiiii-BRO!"
That was Franky, so much bigger than Sanji last recalled - the guy was practically built like a tank now - but pretty much remained unchanged, striking those same signature poses of his, as he bawled loudly and broke into singing random nonsense.
Sanji, incredulous, choked on a breathy laugh, finally getting the strength and the courage to return one of the many hugs. It turned out to be Nami, her hair much longer now, and she was latched onto him, grinning through tears, her voice breaking in parts due to raw emotion: "Sanji-kun, you worried us, how dare you?!"
A pang of guilt ran wild and rampant through him, but Sanji didn't get the time to apologize as he caught sight of Robin smiling his way. She had changed significantly, yet Sanji couldn't put his finger on what. But he was staring, and she noticed, leading her to chuckle and utter at the same time as a more eccentrically garnished Brooke: "Welcome back home, Sanji-san."
Sanji was crying freely now. Smiling, happy, over the moon to see them. He had missed them. All of them. Two years had been a lifetime. These guys, his nakama, meant so much to him, were an integral part of his life.
That was why, amidst all the joy and warmth he was feeling, there was also something grim, ugly, miserable, swirling deep within his gut, nagging, pestering and damaging his assurance, his confidence, his bravery, his optimism on the outcome of this positively blissful situation... On how it could go downhill fast, over the simple reason that was, he was no longer the same. Sanji hadn't been willing to admit it to himself, but he had. He was different, to some degree. If only, regarding the fact who he had become, discovered himself to be, on Momoiro Island, was not someone any of his nakama had known, or ever met, or even knew anything about - except Zoro.
So really, it begged the million-berry question. Would they all ever love and accept him, now?
As his nakama cheered on and laughed, all blissfully unaware of his woes and apprehensions, Sanji blinked his tears away, forcing himself to smile and shake away those undesirable lil' crappy sensations clawing at him from within. Maybe he should keep quiet about it, not say, not share, keep himself hidden, deep down, a dirty secret. The thought alone was nauseating. He didn't want to lie. Not to himself, not to any of them. But Sanji was afraid, terribly afraid...
"SANJI!"
His fear became chilled-ice terror when none other than their adored captain leaped on him, now that everyone had had their turn greeting and hugging Sanji. And Luffy was beaming: "Let's carry on our adventure! I'm going to be the Pirate King! You need to find All Blue!"
Arms crossed, Zoro watched on quiet from the side, taking in the stress and sadness etched within Sanji's carefully held expression as he smiled and nodded mutely at their captain, which led the latter to cheer, brilliantly ignorant as Luffy usually tended to be, every so often.
Sanji caught the swordsman's stare then, blue eyes wide with dread, a silent plea within them. Understanding, Zoro, standing tall, unfolded his arms, and gave the other a slow, firm nod. The blond male wanted to speak, wanted to say, wanted to show... But he was way too scared. So, the green-haired male silently showed his support - he doubted their nakama would turn against Sanji, he really did. But if it EVER had to come to that... Zoro would stand with Sanji.
The blond male could tell the other meant what he was currently conveying to him, and he truly, truly didn't want it to come to that. Zoro was Luffy's trusted right-hand man, his friend, his very first crewmate. He appreciated that Zoro would side by him. But Sanji didn't want to take away from him all he had. He didn't want the swordsman to lose any of it. Not over him. Sanji clenched his jaw, tightening his fists till his knuckles turned pale white. He was doing it.
Zoro caught Sanji's determined features a second too late, but before he could do anything, Sanji turned on his heel, walking off stiffly as he whispered: "Give me a lil' moment, please."
"Sanji-kun?" called out Nami worriedly, trying to follow before halting in her steps as Sanji entered the main cabin and slammed the door behind him, leaving a still silence on the deck...
A couple of seconds flew by, before all seven turned their attention to Zoro, the only one who would possibly have some semblance of an answer as to what could be wrong with the blond, and it was Robin who asked what was on everyone's mind.
"Is he alright, Zoro-kun?"
The aforementioned didn't do more than shrug. It wasn't his place to share, nor talk about it. The truth had to come from Sanji himself, and him alone.
The others remained atypically quiet, realizing that whatever was burdening, troubling Sanji was pretty serious, and they in turn were worried and anxious now, not sure what to do or say.
Time seemed to slow and come to a sudden standstill, when the door creaked back open then, slowly, warily and for a moment, nothing else happened, leading them all to hold their breath. But then, the door was thrown open, revealing Sanji in all his dazzling cross-dressed glory, from heels to nails, from dress to wig, from lipstick to mascara. No more hiding, all out now...
Silence yet again fell over the deck, as the stunned Mugiwara crewmembers - all but Zoro -who had been oblivious until now, could only stare, dumbfounded. Stiff where he stood, Sanji, unblinking, refused to waver, though he could feel himself quiver, from head up to toe, his lower lip trembling.
Well, what did they think of him now? Would they laugh? Would they be repulsed? Would-?
Luffy was the first to move. He didn't say a word, his features utterly blank, showing nothing. Sanji could not help himself from swallowing, a sweat breaking across his furrowing brow. He did not know what he would do if Luffy, out of all of people, did not approve of him, did not accept him. That would absolutely break him. To pieces. This was Luffy. His captain. A young man he owed so much more than he would ever care to admit. His opinion mattered. To him. He would hate to disappoint him. To be detested by him.
"Luffy," began Sanji quietly, with a strained voice, looking everywhere but at Luffy's face "What if I changed? What if I ain't really...the same Sanji you used to know, two years ago?"
Nobody said a thing, all holding their breath, all unblinking, all listening. No one but Usopp, who tentatively tried to make Sanji feel better: "Changed? Uh, you don't look it, not...really?"
Whereas Nami instantly, discreetly, gave him a nudge in the ribs, Sanji, having overhead but remaining focused on Luffy, carried on speaking, distress creeping into his voice, louder now: "But what if I have? What will you do about it? ...Luffy?"
Luffy, again, did not say anything, staring Sanji right in the eye, holding the latter's gaze now. After what felt like forever, he near fell apart when Luffy took off his most prized possession, his beloved straw-hat and plopped it upon his head, shading all Sanji's uninvited, falling tears, before walking off, but not without halting in his step, turning back to him and grinning wide: "Sanji. Doesn't change that you're my nakama. Always was, always will be. No matter what."
Overwhelmed with a surge of so many emotions amidst relief, joy and disbelief, Sanji fell to his knees, breaking into incredibly welcome sobs, like life had been breathed back within him. He was an idiot. An absolute idiot. How could he, how dare he, ever doubt or fear his captain? Or anyone from his crew for that matter?
Now that the rift, the ice was broken, the others reached out for him again, welcoming, loving. Usopp hugged him. Chopper jumped up into his arms for a cuddle. Nami kissed his cheek. Robin kissed his hand. Franky ruffled the wig of his hair. Brooke gave him a proper bow - and asked to see his underwear, which prompted an immediate righteous kick of pure justice, from Sanji himself, earning that trademake yohohoho of his.
Huffing under his breath and letting out an incredulous, shaky laugh, the blond male rubbed away at his dripping mascara, before his gaze met Zoro's, who in turn just gave him a cheeky 'I told you so' grin.
Sanji blinked, then smiled. He was home. This, was home. These people were his true family. And nothing else, mattered. Home. Sanji was finally home.
The End.
(1) Did I just break the 4th Wall? Yes, I did. Do I regret it? Maybe. Will I apologize? ...Nope XP
A/N: Aaaaaah, I loved writing this fic, so freaking much T_T I've always wanted to, honestly, ever since the episode where I saw Sanji all dolled-up, I was like, oh my God, I love it, please. So yeah, here we are! Final chapter! But please expect a little epilogue, sometime very soon! It's more of a what if scenario to this fic, if I'm being honest, a little wink-wink, nudge-nudge, if you get my drift...
Thank you so much for reading, I truly hope that ya'll enjoyed this fic as much as I had fun writing it, so thank you kindly for giving this fic a moment of your time X3 If you ever decide you want to check my other fics, please be wary - I tend to write really dark or super angst, and it's just... not wholesome at all, yep. Just nope. I'm not even trying to sound edgy, I mean it - dead dove: do not read, type of dark... Yeah.
Thank you for reading! Have a nice day! And please stay safe in these harsh and dire times! Love you all! Bella Ciao!