A/N: Yes, I wrote a parody (plus one part sarcastic humor). Is it funny? I don't know - I thought it was funny at midnight when I was writing it after days of little sleep, but I think everything is funny then. No, this is not aimed at anyone in particular, and yes, I am aware that there are (a surprising number of) good Veela-bonded stories out there. I also hereby recognize that there are some absolutely brilliant Hermione/Snape stories, once you get past the major age difference, the off-putting canon description of Snape, and the fact that Harry and Ron hate his guts and Snape is not a nice man (which, by the way, I can do just fine).
Well, that covers everything….
Cheers!
LIZ
Yes, the Inmates Have Taken Over
Harry stared incredulously at the blond-haired wizard, his eyes wide with shock.
"Oh, I get it," Harry said dryly after a moment. "I know what to do! Let's be pals! After all, you and your Death Eater buddies only cast the Cruciatus Curse on Neville a few times. Dolohov only attacked Hermione and nearly killed her once. Random unnamed Death Eaters only made Ron go insane that one time, broke Ginny's ankle and gave Luna concussion once, after all, and anyone can make a mistake. You didn't mean for Ginny to be possessed by Voldemort's diary – you just thought she could use an outlet for her feelings, I'm quite certain. And Bellatrix Lestrange didn't mean to kill Sirius, after all, so yeah, sure! Let's be friends!"
His lips curling in a sneer, Lucius Malfoy gazed at the Boy-Who-Lived lazily, smiling brightly at his long-term friend, Albus Dumbledore. Alas, he reflected sadly behind his perfect veneer of amusement, that they had to pretend to be such great enemies.
"What's past is past," Lucius said regally. "Besides, the Death Eaters can harm you no more."
His wand dropping to the floor, Harry stared at Lucius dumbly. "What?" he asked anxiously. "Why not?"
"Draco is my son," Lucius said easily, "and you are his mate."
"But what about Lestrange? Her husband and her brother-in-law? Dolohov? Avery? Crabbe? Goyle? Jugson? Macnair? Nott? Mulciber? Rookwood?"
"My," Malfoy breathed softly, "you do have a complete list, don't you? Bellatrix is my mate, Pot – Harry," he replied. "She cannot harm you for the same reasons I cannot."
"But – but," Harry gaped, "she's married to Rodolphus!"
"Technicality," Lucius dismissed with an elegant wave of his hand.
"And the others?"
"Rodolphus and Rabastan are bound by the same restrictions as Bella," Lucius replied lightly. "Nott is Draco's godfather, and Mulciber is Draco's godmother – long story, don't ask," he added as Harry opened his mouth. "Rookwood is my second cousin three times removed, Jugson is my nephew, Crabbe and Goyle are my henchmen and cousins, and Macnair and Dolohov are on my payroll."
"And Avery?" Harry demanded hotly.
"Will do whatever I tell him to, or I'll hide his Muggle magazines," Lucius replied smoothly.
"Magazines?" Harry repeated dumbly, his brow furrowed. "Why would he care if you – Oooooohhhhhhh…"
Later that day:
"I am pleased to announce that we have a new professor on our staff! Lucius Malfoy, a reformed Death Eater, will be taking on the position of Defense against the Dark Arts. He is unusually suited to the task and I expect him to be the best professor you will ever have. So a round of applause, if you will, for Professor Malfoy!"
"Ha-Harry," Hermione said weakly, and Harry beamed at her.
"I know, isn't it great? My whole family here at the school for the first time!"
Blinking back tears – hadn't Harry realized that she and Ron were his family? – Hermione said unsteadily, "Harry, he's a Death–"
But Lucius Malfoy was possessed of godlike hearing, and he chose that exact moment to drawl across the room, "Shut up, Mudblood."
Hermione hissed. "Did you hear that, Harry? He's not reformed at all!"
"Of course he is!" Harry said immediately, staring at Hermione in concern. "He insulted you, but didn't curse you at all! I'm proud of you, Dad!" he shouted across the room, and Malfoy smiled beatifically, tossing his long platinum locks over his shoulder.
"Dad?" Neville repeated in astonishment, and Luna blinked in shock as Ginny glared at Harry.
"Yes, we're a family now," Harry said with a smile. "And I'm going to move into Malfoy Manor and teach Dad, Mum and Drakey how to take good care of their house-elves! Mum can't seem to stop kicking them," he added absently.
"And what about Voldemort?" Hermione asked anxiously, but Harry shrugged that off.
"Dad says he's still sulking about losing all of his Death Eaters," he replied absently. "He reckons that that was the power the Dark Lord knows not."
"You told him the prophecy?" Ginny gaped at him, and Harry smiled brightly.
"It feels so good to be able to tell people who care," he sighed. "No one's ever cared about me…"
"Harry!" Hermione gasped, glaring at him. "We care about you! Ron, tell him!"
But Ron was in no state to tell Harry anything – he was staring into thin air, muttering, "Drakey," under his breath and shuddering. Glaring angrily, Harry shot to his feet.
"You can't have him!" he raged. "He's mine!"
"Dear lord," Hermione murmured. "I need to get out of here."
"Take me with you," Ron gasped as he fell off the bench, scooting quickly away from the glaring green eyes that stared down at him.
"Sorry, Ron," Hermione murmured as an idea came to her – Salvation! – and she stood quickly, moving away from the arguing ex-friends. "You'd just be in the way."
Striding across the Great Hall, Hermione zeroed in on her target. "Sir?" she called, and Snape looked up from where he had been repeatedly banging his head against the head table. Taking a deep breath, Hermione stared at him – slightly distracted by the bright red line on his forehead, which she suddenly found quite alluring – and went for the gold.
"Would you like to go and have wild, kinky and slightly-illegal sex, sir?" she asked, and Snape gaped at her. "I feel a sudden strong and violent need to get away."
Hannah Abbott fell off of the Hufflepuff bench, staring at Hermione in shock, as Susan Bones clapped a hand over the nearest first year's ears.
Snape eyed her for several moments in the stifling silence before asking, "Slightly-illegal, Miss Granger?"
"I'm not yet of age," she pointed out, and Snape smirked.
"Ten thousand points to Gryffindor for getting me out of this asylum," he said smoothly, and Hermione smiled brightly.
"Yes, Professor," she replied sweetly, and Snape jumped up from the head table – ignoring the astonished glares of everyone in the hall – grabbed Hermione's arm and dragged her from the room.
"Reducto!" Snape's voice bellowed a few minutes later and Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville and Luna spun around to stare at the doors to the Entrance Hall.
"Severus, the front doors are all over the place now!"
"Yes, my little lioness," Snape drawled, "but now we can flee in a dramatic fashion. Come! Run away with me!"
Their quite drunken giggles echoed through the night as they raced down to the gates.
Blinking in astonishment, Ron pushed himself up off the floor, dusted his hands on his trousers and turned to his best ma – er, friend.
"So, Harry," he asked nervously, forcing a smile, "when's the wedding?"
As Harry smiled brilliantly and began happily chattering away, two redheads slipped away from the Great Hall and onto the grounds.
Raising his wand slightly, one of the redheads mimed blowing smoke off of it before whispering, "Mischief…"
Grinning broadly, the other finished. "Managed."
Review if you have something to say. Hehe... :)
Cheers!
LIZ