Jo had woken up, not at her sharpest after she had had a 'one off' lapse into drinking alone last night. Her rather bleary eyes focused on the whisky bottle whose level had dropped overnight more than she had cared to think. She had needed it to get through the evening and that night to block off the fear of phoning John. That was the last time she would fall off the wagon, she vowed. Karen had convinced her that she hadn't any alternative and that time was running out fast but that didn't make it easier to face phoning John when she awoke.
As Jo held her phone in her hand as George's final words hung on the air, she was both fearful for George's prospects, and felt incredible tenderness for her. The words were absolutely from her heart and she could feel the utter calm certainty that she was loved by her. The experience of her husband's death taught her not to have false confidence that all would turn out right but it made her vow to herself that come what may, she would remain there for her. It reminded her how precious life was. In a curious way, George's phone call had psyched her up to do what she had to do.
She looked at her watch and phoned Warwick University administration block. When she was told that John's first lecture wasn't till ten o'clock, she was faintly relieved that her first move had worked out fine but it put her on the spot that she would have to act now or never. What tipped the balance was that she couldn't face sweating it out through another day. There was no chance in hell that she would phone him up right in the middle of delivering a lecture. Besides, she had promised Karen that she would not further delay her call. Accordingly, with shaking hand, she picked up her mobile and, with nervous fingers, dialed up that very familiar number. She waited impatiently for the second to come for John to pick up the call. as much as she dreaded it.
"Hello, Jo, to what do I owe a very pleasant call especially first thing in the morning? It is fortunate that my first lecture is late so that I can have a leisurely lie in"
The poor man sounds so chirpy and happy, gulped Jo, her mouth dry with nerves. She hated to spoil his mood but it had to be done.
"First of all, John, I must ask you if you have a comfortable chair and that you sit in it. You're going to need it"
The sun smiled at John out of the window but Jo's last words made the air go chill. He obeyed Jo's words without question.
"What do you mean, Jo? You make it sound as is you have something very serious on your mind"
"You could say that."Jo replied, dipping her toe into the freezing cold water. She took a deep breath and plunged right in. "There's no easy way to say it, John. I have to tell you that George has been diagnosed as suffering from breast cancer"
There was a dreadful silence on Jo's end of the phone conversation. It seemed to last an eternity. She was thankful she had taken her own advice and was sitting in an armchair herself.
"Please say something John." She said at last. The words were the most stupid that she had ever said in her life but they were the best that she could come up with.
"This must be some kind of mistake." A very faint voice sounded in Jo's ear, sounding disembodied, stripped of all the normal full body in John's voice.
"I'm really, really sorry, John, but, believe me, there is no mistake. I would not dream of telling you something like this if there was the slightest chance of a mistake. I would love to tell you that I've got it wrong but I can't"
"I don't understand"
"Me neither, John but it has happened"
"Why didn't I know about this before"
"Because George kept this to herself and didn't tell anyone about this until recently"
There was another long pause, which scared the wits out of her. At least thank God, John was still holding the phone call and hadn't cut the call off. At the other end of the phone call, John's blasted wits began to assimilate what Jo was saying and that he was starting to pull some threads of further question out of this total bombshell of an announcement.
"How long has George been suffering from this…from this"
"I hate to tell you, John but she has had it since Christmas. The hospital has confirmed it"
"But this is absolutely appalling. I know enough to realize how dangerous the situation is"
"John, take it easy. She's now in the care of the hospital. It's just that"
As Jo's voice faded away, John immediately grasped the implications. He didn't dwell on that, he dared not do so, but he wanted more information. By some miracle, his voice had firmed up enough to start to deal with the situation. He wanted answers and fast.
"How long have you known this, Jo"
"Since last Thursday, John"
"Why did you not tell me before"
"Because I didn't know how to, for the similar reason that George couldn't bring herself to tell you, not because she is afraid of you but because she loves you too much and because she couldn't admit it to herself much less anyone else. It's crazy but what George has done makes sense in some kind of fashion"
The sudden passion and sheer honesty of Jo's words were like a bucket of cold water thrown in his face. The impact of it stung his immediate senses, but it did have a curiously stabilizing effect on him. He could faintly sense the logic behind it but it was all too much, too soon to take in.
"So how did you finally come to tell me? It couldn't have been easy for you"
John heard himself saying. Some curiously dissociated part of his mind was beginning to see things through Jo's eyes. He felt as if he was part of the madness only that he would wake up as normal and find out that it was all a bad dream.
"I went to get advice from Karen and she urged me to tell you straight away"
"Karen"
"Because she's a nurse. I wanted her opinion partly because she's a friend and to hand and partly because this is the sort of thing she's had to deal with professionally in her time"
John saw the sense of this. He dared not ask any more questions.
"You mentioned the hospital, Jo. Is George having any treatment"
Jo hesitated before she spoke and john was attuned enough to realize that this foreshadowed news that was not going to be good.
"Karen took George to the hospital last Thursday, and stayed with her the whole time as moral support. She had a thorough examination. I took her to hospital yesterday to have the operation today."
"That quick?" It was not lost on John how quickly she was whipped into hospital though he took a crumb of comfort that Karen was with her. "The choice was wisely made"
"I'll phone George then and offer her my love and support." John promptly added with his usual decisiveness of manner.
Jo went white as she thought over the implications and instantly rejected the idea.
"John, I don't think that would be the wisest course of action"
"And why"
"By my calculations, George won't have gone into the operating theatre. I just know that she won't be able to pluck up the courage to go through the operation if you contact her beforehand. I know above all else how worried George is about how she will look after the operation."
There was a pause while John reflected upon the matter. Eventually he gave in but not without a precondition.
"Hmm, perhaps you're right. In this case, you must promise to phone me as soon as you know the result of the operation, whatever the news might be. You must promise that"
Jo had to agree reluctantly to John's wishes. She mentally squared the circle by considering that, after all, the surgeons were not anonymous faceless professionals in white coats. They were living breathing people whom she had met before and she put her faith in the hospital. It was like setting out to walk on water because you have been reassured that such a thing is possible.
"I agree John, but in return, you must wait until you've finished your lectures for the day and then come home. I'll be there for you and we can properly talk. Promise me that"
"Lectures…..?" John intoned in a far off voice. Since the start of the phone call, time had been suspended and with it that faculty for planning ahead. He could no more structure events in time than he could fly.
"Yes, your lectures. This was another reason why I didn't phone you straightaway." Jo urged him in stronger tones. Her last point wasn't exactly an accurate description of her motives but it was undoubtedly true that John could not have stuck out staying at Warwick if he had known earlier.
"All right, I'll manage somehow." John replied reluctantly. It was as well that he had been provident enough to write out the lecture the night and not improvised at the last minute. He might deliver it like an automaton but somehow he would pull through.
"And promise, John, to look after yourself. George and I want to see you back home in one piece"
"All right, Jo. I'd better get ready for my lecture. I'll see you later, Jo." John concluded in formal tones. As Jo put her mobile phone down, she realized that her wrist muscles hurt. She had been clenching the mobile in her hand. She lay back in sheer exhaustion.
Likewise, John lay back in his chair that Jo had thoughtfully advised him to sit in, a whole host of forgotten scenes poured themselves into his memory. By some unaccountable quirk, they appeared ready sorted into order. Even at a traumatic moment like this, some part of his faculties was in functioning order. He heard echoes of past voices, which took on a whole other meaning.
"Yes, I had noticed that making love didn't appear to be on your agenda at the moment, and I really couldn't say why. But that has absolutely nothing to do with why I slept with Connie Beauchamp." John shivered at the memory of his very measured, considered pronouncement. It was just as well that he had not repeated them to Helen's large brown, all seeing eyes and her razor sharp mind. Of course, it had everything to do with it, as he later half admitted under pressure of George's cross-examination. "I can't seem to keep you happy in bed any more, and no, that isn't your fault, it's mine." That memory scourged John with the mental pain that it inflicted. He held his head in his hands. Of course, his tolerance and understanding of women who went off sex once in a while was very meritorious in its way. It had happened before in his experience and he wasn't some randy self-centred teenager who took it as a personal affront. But this time, his tolerance amounted to a fatal lack of curiosity. He should have started asking questions. He should have taken steps to get to know. After all, wasn't his public persona so renowned for this, that particular quality that had placed him at the front of the pack in the legal profession despite the powers of the establishment? Images came back to his mind of the night he and George had slept together. It had given him some kind of absolution at the time for his previous unpardonable behaviour towards her. What he couldn't work out was how his fingers had failed to detect the lump on George's breast. Surely he would have spotted it? In every way, his intelligence and perceptiveness had let him down badly.
The final memory that played itself back to him was the next day and the message on the computer screen that George had left him.
"But now I need some time, time to sort myself out, and to deal with that thing I can't discuss with you, which I promise you isn't a pregnancy. I need you to allow me this time apart from you, because having your reaction to cope with as well as my own would be far too difficult"
What conclusions had he drawn from this, he wondered. He had supposed that the problem was in some way psychological, somehow in the same area as her earlier inability to feel love for their daughter. Once again, he had been wide of the mark and had continued to compound his mistakes.
" You've got no idea just how beautiful the two of you were, and that reminded me with all the finesse of a punch to the jaw, that I am ten years older than her, and not nearly so attractive."
He should know of old, George's elliptical way of speaking that there was more to it than the plain words. In the back of her mind, George had foreseen what would happen and the secondary meaning of George's words finally became clear. Tears came to John's eyes as the full impact of George's generosity of spirit hit home to him. Granted, she was tragically mistaken in covering up such a life threatening illness for so long but, given that, she so clearly wanted to protect John from her illness.
A further wave of tenderness extended itself towards Jo who had plucked up the courage to tell John the most dreadful news that could be conceived of and how sympathetically honest she had been in telling him. He couldn't be selfish in considering that he had the monopoly of emotional suffering. This was the curious consequence of the coming into being of their three-way relationship. Ordinarily, he might have been tempted into some recklessly self-destructive behaviour. He could not do that now. He had too many responsibilities now.
He grasped at one crumb of comfort. He had known enough to realize that George's behaviour hadn't made sense. At least everything was now made terrifyingly clear, and he supposed that he was grateful for it. After all, he had always preferred enlightenment over happy ignorance. He did not know how he could get through the day until he got home. All he knew was that he had to try his best.