The next afternoon at Saturn Valley is an exciting one. A large crowd is gathered there and there are several food stands set up all over the place. The croweds are all sitting at the audience seats waiting for the main attraction of this event: The 1st F-30 Race.
"There's quite a crowd here," says Peach.
"Yeah, and it's so noisy too," says Zelda.
"Not to mention all the foods sold everywhere! Yum!" says Yoshi with a mouthful of foods.
"Tsk! Why does Mario get chosen for this race and not me?" says Bowser with a tinge of anger. "When do I get my chance to race?"
"I'm sure you will," Peach tells him.
Then a skinny man with spiky hair sticking straight up comes into the scene. He bursts out loud using his megaphone. "Hello everyone! I am the official announcer for the F-30 Grand Prix! My name is Talko XIV! My forefathers have all been announcers of this race, and I, too, share their job! Now the first race in Saturn Valley will begin very soon! First I will introduce to you the 12 participating racers for this event!"
Then 12 vehicles pull towards the starting line. "First, we have the amazing duo team Fox McCloud and Falco Lombardo!" says Talko.
Fox and Falco are driving a vehicle that looks like an Arwing, and it has wheels also. Falco stand up from his seat and waves his hand proudly. "Everyone! I will without doubt be the winner of this race!"
"Look at his confidence attitude! Will he really win this race? Next in line we have the amazing star warrior Kirby!"
Kirby hops up and down on his warp star. "Hi! When I win, I'm going to ask Carma for lots of food!"
"This little puffball sure has an appetite! Next we have the speed master Captain Falcon!"
CF stands up from his Blue Falcon and shouts loudly, "I AM THE BEST! SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!"
"Yay! Falcon is my man!" shouts a voice from among the crowd. CF turns to the source of voice and sees… Bon Clay! "You're da man! Falcon!" says Bon Clay. "My men and I will cheer for you!" His followers are all dressed as cheerleaders and performing some cheerleading dance behind him.
"Ugh… Mr. 2… Did you only come specifically to cheer for me…?" asks CF.
"Why of course! You're the finest man I've ever seen! You're so hot!" replies Bon Clay. "And please call me Bon-Chan. Mr. 2 is no longer the name I have."
"Whatever… Just don't go gay all over me…"
"And next we have the amazing Mario Bros.!" says Talko.
The Mario Bros. is both riding on the same kart they used in Mario Kart: Double Dash. Luigi stands up and waves his hand. "Hi everyone!"
"Me and my brotha will do our best-a to win da race!" says Mario.
"Now we have the amazing psychic kid Ness!" says Talko.
Ness is riding a simple-looking bicycle. "I believe I can do well in this race! Don't underestimate my bicycle. Fox did a favor of upgrading it! It can move as fast as a motorcycle!"
"Just what he said," says Fox. "I added a special booster onto its rear wheel in order to increase its speed."
"Next we have the millionaire of Onett, Pokey Minch!" says Talko.
Pokey is there, riding in a high tech-looking tricycle. It has a large engine and a long exhaust pipe that sticks into the air. He gets up and laughs at Ness. "Ha! Is that what you drive, Ness? You can never beat me with something like that! My dad, being such a rich person that he is, invented this Motor Tricycle MK-II especially for me in order to compete in this race! I will put a shame to you, Nessy!"
"I thought you said we are friends from now on…" Ness tells him.
"And then we have the hate-or-love-it Barney the Dinosaur!" says Talko.
Barney jumps up from his Lego Car. "I love you! Everybody is my friend" He begins blowing kiss everywhere.
Falco looks at him with a weird face and says, "Don't tell me that freak passed the test too…"
"He doesn't look like the kind that would…" says Ness.
"And then we have the super cool New Age Retro Hippie!" continues Talko. The hippie in red shirt and blue jeans and with blue hair is driving a sports car with graffiti all over it. He gets up and does some cool dance moves and then sits down again. "And going on we have Frank, the former leader of the Shark Gang!"
Frank is driving in a car whose head is painted so that it looks like a shark. He raises his arm and shouts out, "I'm going to return the Sharks to its former glory when I win!"
"Looks like he has one dangerous wish! But nevertheless, it is up to God Carma to decide whether or not he should win. And then we have the Unassuming Local Guy in his humble little car!"
The simple-looking guy in gray clothes just sits in his little gray car. He neither smiles nor waves to the audience, as he is a humble man.
"Next in line we have some random generic racer from Onett. He is number 1, as his car implies!"
This racer looks like all other average racers. He wears helmet and a simple jumpsuit. On his racing car prints the number "1".
"Finally, we have the last racer of this competition, Racer No. 45!"
This racer is the same as Racer No. 1, except his car has the number 45 on it.
So in short, these are the competitors of this race:
Fox & Falco
Kirby
Captain Falcon
Mario & Luigi
Ness
Pokey
Barney
New Age Retro Hippie
Frank
Unassuming Local Guy
Random Racer No. 1
Random Racer No. 45
"Next let us take a look at the map of this course!" says Talko. Now there is a large (and I do mean LARGE) screen in front of the audience seats. The screen turns on and displays an overhead view of the course, Saturn Valley. "As you can see, this course is a simple-looking oval. It may look very easy, but there are some obstacles you have to be aware of. For example, as you approach the first big curve, you will run into a field a hot spring pools! Falling into one isn't a problem, as the waters are of perfect temperature and are great for your health! It can heal all kinds of ailments!"
Peach says to Zelda, "What say we go take a dip there after the race?"
"Not a bad idea!" says Zelda. "They say the service there is very good."
"After going through the curve, you will come across a rocky and bumpy field," continues Talko. "Be prepared for a bumpy ride of your lifetime when you get there. When you get to the second curve, you'll have to drive behind a large waterfall. You may have a problem trying to see while in there as the falling water can block your view. If you are able to make it out, then congratulations! The finish line is just ahead! Get there before anyone else to win prizes!"
"Can we get on with the race now?" asks CF impatiently.
"But I am not done talking yet. You must know the basic rules for this race first!"
"Then get on with it!" says Falco.
"Okay, so the first 3 people to cross the finish line will have prize moneys. The runner-ups after the first 3 won't have any prize, but they are considered winners also. However, the last 3 racers to cross the finish line are considered losers; they have failed the race."
"Are there any rules while in the race, like whether we can do certain things or not?" asks Pokey.
"Do you want to know? There are no rules while racing!"
"Wow! Then I can destroy Ness and make him lose automatically!"
"Even if your vehicle is destroyed, but you are still in good physical condition, you can continue the race by running on your feet!"
"That's not a race!" protests Frank.
"Who said wheels are the only things that can be in the race? But if you're in critical condition and cannot move on, you can always forfeit, but you're considered a loser that way too."
"All right! How long do you have to blabber? Get on with the race already!" says CF, who is really impatient.
"You have no patience, mister. All right; it you insist, then everyone get on your marks!"
All the racers get into their vehicles and prepare for the signal. The audiences watch the scene silently, waiting for the race to start too.
"On the count of three… 3, 2, 1…"
The racers place their foot on the gas pedal…
"0.5…"
"Are you trying to fool with us!" Falco shouts at him.
"Just kidding… I want to lighten up the intense atmosphere. So anyway… START!" Talko fires a gun against the sky and all the racers step on the gas pedal and are off! They leave behind a thick cloud of smoke that left everyone coughing and temporarily blinded for a while. When the smoke is clear, all the vehicles are gone, except for the Unassuming Local Guy, who is driving at a constant and humble speed.
"And they're off!" says Talko. "Now I will follow them using my Super Mini-Jet! It may be small, but it can travel up to 200 kilometers per hour! I will keep track of their progress and record down everything so you audiences can see it on the big screen." Talko hops onto the mini-airplane and zooms off at a very fast speed. The audiences turn their attention to the screen, which displays each racer as they speed through the course.
"You can do it, Ness!" shouts Young Link.
"Don't fail me, Kirby!" shouts Yoshi. "If you lose, then my dream will be shattered too!"
-
CF is the first in line at the moment. He looks back and sees Fox & Falco behind him. "Shoot him, Fox!" says Falco. "We can slow him down that way!"
"But I cannot bring myself to shoot our own comrade!" says Fox.
"This is a race and everybody are enemies now! The rule even said we could attack other racers! So just do it!"
Fox presses the fire button unwillingly and the Arwing Car fires a laser beam at the Blue Falcon. CF sees it coming and steers to the side to avoid the incoming shot. "Missed me!"
"Aim better!" says Falco. Fox fires more laser beams, but CF is able to avoid all of them.
-
Ness is riding very fast on his bicycle. The boosters attached to the back emit a powerful flame that makes the bicycle travel really fast. "Wow! It's as fast as a motorcyle!"
Then Pokey drives up next to him on the Motor Tricycle. "Haha! Look at your measly bicycle, Ness!" he laughs. "What can it do?"
"Can't you see that it travels faster than ordinary bicycles?"
"So? Can it do anything cool? I will crush you!" Pokey steers his vehicle towards Ness; he plans to push him off the track.
"Hey! Get far from me!"
"You're finished! HAHAHAHA!"
"I'm not! PK Flash!" Ness snaps his fingers and a bright flash engulfs the scene, blinding Pokey.
"AHHHH! I CAN'T SEE!"
And because Pokey cannot see where he's going, he drives off the track and crashes into a nearby forest, plowing down the trees as he goes. Ness, however, is able to stay on track. "Phew… Got rid of him."
-
Random Racer No. 1 is trying to catch up with the others. Suddenly, Kirby, riding on the warp star, comes up next to him. The pink puffball looks bigger than before and it seems that he has something in his mouth. Kirby waves to the racer to grab his attention, and then he spits out a large rock into his face! Racer No. 1 gets hit by the rock and crashes into the side of the track and explodes.
KABOOM!
Kirby snickers to himself and zooms off. "So it seems that Random Racer No. 1 is destroyed!" says Talko, who saw everything from his mini-jet. "Surely no one can be in healthy condition after going through an explosion like that. Therefore, Random Racer No. 1 is out of the race!"
The audiences saw what Kirby did through the screen. "I never knew Kirby would be that kind of a violent guy," says Ganondorf.
"Well, he was pretty violent whenever fighting to get food," says Yoshi.
"Is it appropriate to do that kind of thing?" asks Peach. "It makes me worry about Mario and the others."
"That's how the race is ever since it was first held," says Carlos.
Peach is shocked by his sudden appearance. "Whoa! You shocked me! You're a priest; aren't you supposed to have some part in this race like monitoring or whatever?"
"It's too hot," says Carlos as he sips from his soda. "So I'm too lazy to follow them."
-
Frank and New Age Retro Hippie and driving side to side, and they are hurling insults at each other. "A loser like you will never win the race!" taunts Frank.
"A villain like you surely won't!" talks back the hippie. "You even look like you wear lipstick!"
"And you haven't cut your hair for like 300 years!"
"You take that back! What kind of a silly shark fin hairstyle is that?"
"And the puffy hairstyle of yours is as bad too!"
As they throw insults at each other, they hear a cheerful but eerie music coming from behind. Hearing it gives them chills down their spine. They slowly turn their heads around and…
CRASH!
Barney drives past them at a fast speed, making their cars spin in place for a long time. "Lalalala! I love driving! I love driving!" sings Barney. His song is so terrible that all the birds and animals on the sides of the track flee upon hearing it. Even the trees and flowers wilt!
Then a green shell hits Barney on the side of his head. "Hey! Who gave me the hit of love?"
Mario and Luigi drive up next to him. "Stop your cacophony!" Luigi yells at him.
"Oh, so you love my charming song?" asks Barney.
"No!"
"I will sing you something even better!"
"SHUT UP!" Luigi stuffs a shell into his mouth to stop him from singing, and then the Mario Bros. drives off.
-
CF has come into the field of hot spring pools. Fox and Falco are still behind him, trying to shoot him with lasers, but they keep on missing. "Ha! You can't shoot me with an aim like that!" CF taunts them. "You'll have to wait another 30 years!"
SPLOOSH!
"Ha! That idiot drove into a pool and sank!" laughs Falco, pointing to the pool CF dropped into.
"We must rescue him!" says Fox.
"Who cares? Let's move on, for we are the first right now!"
"But…"
"No buts!" And then Falco looks at the rear mirror and sees a boulder being shot at them. "FOX! THERE'S A ROCK COMING AFTER US!"
Fox quickly steers their vehicle aside to avoid the boulder. Kirby, the one who shot the boulder, quickly catches up with them. "I'm gonna be the winner!" says Kirby.
"You dirty puffball! We'll show you!" says Falco angrily. "Fox! Crash him down!"
"But…"
"ARGHHH! LET ME DRIVE!" Falco pushes Fox away from the driver's seat and takes control of the Arwing Car himself. He steers it towards Kirby to ram him, but Kirby bravely rams back with his warp star.
-
Back with the audiences…
Everyone watches Kirby and the Starfox duo as they fight their way through the hot spring field. "Wow… They sure fight like they're enemies," says Marth.
"As I said before: Kirby can be really violent if he is trying to get food," Yoshi reminds him.
"Still, I cannot believe he would attack his own comrade that violently."
"Falco is a pretty hot-tempered guy too," says Samus.
"I worry about Captain Falcon," says Peach. "How can he get out of there? Surely he'll drown!"
"Don't worry," Mewtwo tells her. "I foresaw him continuing the race."
-
Kirby and the Starfox duo are still ramming each other. Suddenly, a couple of fireballs fly in from behind and hits Kirby's warp star in the back. For some reason, the warp star lets loose a huge flame from behind and flies up into the sky. "WAAAAAA! WHAT'S HAPPENING!" screams Kirby. "AAAAAHHHH!" The warp star flies up high into the sky and disappears, along with Kirby.
The Mario Bros. immediately catches up with the Starfox duo. "You wouldn't happen to be the one who shot Kirby just now, would you?" Fox asks Mario.
"Yep-a! I shot-a him!" says Mario.
"Then now you're our enemy!" says Falco. Now the two vehicles begin ramming each other violently.
"Stop! We are friends! We shouldn't be fighting!" screams Luigi.
"It's useless! Falco is too absorbed in winning the race and he will strike down anyone who gets in his way!" Fox tells him.
-
Talko is keeping track of everything on his mini-jet. "The ones in lead now are the Mario Bros. and the Starfox Duo! The last racer in line is Unassuming Local Guy! As of now, Random Racer No. 1 is out! Kirby disappeared into the sky. Pokey was last seen driving into a forest and Captain Falcon sank into a hot pool! All the other racers are going smoothly!" And then he caught notice of a certain pool emitting bubbles. "What's this? Some reaction is going on in that pool! What can it be?"
All of a sudden, a blue thing shoots out of the pool and into the sky. It is the Blue Falcon!
"WOW! LOOK AT THAT! It's Captain Falcon! He escaped the deepest pool in the field! It takes a lot of skill to do something like that!"
The Blue Falcon drops down in between Frank and New Age Retro Hippie, who are fighting each other. When the car lands, it creates a powerful tremor that releases a shockwave, knocking both the racers into the air. "AHHHH!" scream both Frank and the hippie. Their vehicles crash down onto the ground and catch fire.
"Look at that! Captain Falcon knocked out both Frank and New Age Retro Hippie! They are gravely injured from the destruction and are out of the race!"
The audiences are amazed at CF's return. "Captain Falcon is back!" exclaims Samus.
"What did I tell you?" Mewtwo tells her.
-
CF zooms his vehicle across the field furiously, trying to catch up with the ones in lead. "Nobody beats me, Captain Falcon!"
The Mario Bros. and Starfox Duo are still fighting each other when they see a blue car catching up from behind. "What! Falcon is still active!" gasps Falco. "How can that be?"
"He's sure one amazing racer!" says Luigi. "Let's see if he can dodge this." He throws a shell at the Blue Falcon, but the shell bounces off it when hit. "Wow! His car sure is tough… Wait a second… AHHHH! MARIO! HE'S GONNA RAM US DOWN!"
"Don't-a worry!" says Mario. "Use da mushroom!"
Luigi takes out a mushroom and somehow stuffs it into the exhaust pipe (don't ask how). Their car engine roars loudly and they take off at an astounding speed.
"WHAT THE HECK!" gasps Falco.
CF drives up next to the Arwing Car and collides into it very hard. The Arwing Car crashes to the side of the road when hit.
BANG!
"Look at that! Captain Falcon ruthlessly knocked down another vehicle!" says Talko. "But look, Fox and Falco are crawling out of their car and they both don't look tired.
"Curse that Falcon!" says Falco. "He'll pay for this!"
"It's not something big, Falco," Fox tells him. "Only the right wing is damaged. It can still move, but the handling can be a bit sloppy.
"Whatever; let's just get on with the race! Everyone is passing us!" They both hop back into the Arwing Car and continue moving.
-
Now everyone has safely passed through the first big curve. They are now heading for the bumpy terrain. Ness is somewhere in the middle of the rankings; he is ahead of Barney and Random Racer No. 45 but behind the other Smashers. Kirby and Pokey are still missing in action though.
Suddenly, a vehicle crashes out of a nearby forest and furiously comes onto the main track. "NESS!" roars Pokey loudly. Twigs and leaves are all over him and he is breathing heavily. In fact, you can see air fuming out from his nostrils!
"Pokey!" exclaims Ness. "You're still alive?"
"You dare make fun of me! DIE!" Pokey takes out a slingshot and fires a clump of unknown stuff at Ness.
Ness uses telekinesis to slow down the thing's movement and then grabs it. "What's this? It's wet and soggy…"
"That's my wet underwear from 3 weeks ago!" replies Pokey. "Take hold of its smelliness and sogginess!"
"EEEEWWWW!" Ness quickly throws the underwear away, and it flies onto Pokey, covering his face.
"AHHHH! I CAN'T SEE!"
And Pokey crashes into a tree.
CRASH!
"Poor him…" says Ness, and then he drives off to catch up with the others.
-
Talko flew ahead of everyone and is above the bumpy terrain. "Here we are at the bumpy and rocky terrain," he says. "The Mario Bros. is the first one approaching." Then he notices two figures standing on top of a mesa that is on the terrain. "Who are the two there? Let us have a closer look." He adjusts the camera and focuses on the figures, and they turn out to be Wario and Waluigi!
The audiences see this. "What are those two doing there?" asks Bowser.
"Perhaps they are troublemakers," says Carlos.
"Troublemakers?"
"Yes; it has been a common thing in this race that people try to stop certain racers from winning the race. They are either hired by one of the racers to do so or they simply want to cause trouble."
"Shouldn't that kind of people be stopped?" asks Zelda.
"It has been going on ever since the beginning, so it isn't a violation or anything. In fact, it is also part of the many obstacles the racers will encounter in their quest to become the top winners of the F-30 Grand Prix."
-
Wario and Waluigi are on top of the mesa, and they are standing next to a large boulder. "I see the Mario Bros. coming," says Waluigi, looking into a binocular.
"Hehehehe! That idiot Mario will die in this race!" says Wario with an evil grin.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Preview
Wario: Mario! Die!
Mario: Mamamia! Rocks are falling!
CF: I must win the race!
Ness: Whoa! I can't see clearly with all these waters splashing around!
Kirby: I'm back!
Talko: The finish line is ahead! Who will be the winner?
Coming up next chapter: A Ride Through Rough Terrains and a Waterfall! Head For the Finish Line!