Part One Hundred And Thirty
On the Thursday afternoon, Karen had a meeting at area, with all the other prison governors within the London catchment zone. She might have been the only female governor among them, but that didn't mean she felt in any way inferior to them. Karen Betts could hold her own with these slightly old fashioned, and at times set in their ways group of male masters of destiny, and Neil always found himself feeling extremely proud of the way she dealt with them. Karen didn't take any of their attempts to disregard her as an irritating inconvenience, and they usually went away feeling more than a little ruffled by her determination and way of cutting straight to the chase. The prison hierarchy was still very much dominated by masculine tendencies to try and remove any female from their conversations. But when all the others had left, and Alison Warner had retreated back to her own office, Karen was left with Neil and was almost ready to scream. "Am I really as bloody insignificant as they make me feel?" She demanded virtually as soon as the door of his office had closed. "Of course you're not," Neil told her placatingly. "You just frighten them, that's all. They're not used to a woman holding the same authority as they do. Don't forget, most of the people in that meeting this afternoon, have been in their jobs longer than Simon Stubberfield was ever likely to remain in his." "I bet some of them still play golf with him," Karen said bitterly. "Karen, you are extremely good at your job," He tried to persuade her. "Because if you weren't, we both know that I'd have you out of it without your feet even touching the ground." "Oh, thanks for the warning," Karen said dryly. "Would you like some coffee?" Neil asked. "In lieu of a cigarette?" Karen smiled. "Yes, though any more nervous stimulation probably isn't the answer." Asking his secretary to bring them some coffee, Neil relaxed back in the chair behind his desk. "So, how have you been since Tuesday?" Instantly, Karen's face seemed to close off from him, as though she was fervently trying to bury all her feelings under her usual professional mask. "I'm not really sleeping, and I'm taking it out on everyone in sight," She said, much to her surprise, as she hadn't planned to tell him anything resembling the truth. "But I'd far rather be where I am than where George is now." "How is she?" Neil asked, seeing that Karen was beginning to crack at the seams, though he knew she would never admit it to him. "Well, after having lost her entire left breast, she's hardly jumping for joy," Karen replied bitterly. "And the worst thing, at least from my point of view, is that I have no idea how to help her." "As your staff won't know what time to expect you back," Neil said thoughtfully. "Why don't you go and see her, now I mean." "That, Mr. Grayling," Karen said with a tired wink. "Is what they call taking advantage of the situation to go on the skive. But I'm hardly about to say no." Digging a note out of his wallet, Neil handed it to her. "Get her some flowers or something from me on the way, and tell her I'll be in touch when she's a bit more up to it." Giving him a smile, Karen put the note in her pocket, thinking that here was another good friend that George wasn't really aware she had.
After picking up some flowers from Neil and a CD from herself, Karen drove over to the hospital, hoping that George was in the mood for a visitor. She hadn't actually seen George since the previous Thursday, when she'd accompanied her to the appointment with Ric. God, so much seemed to have happened since then, that it felt like years ago instead of merely one week. When she arrived, Karen walked up to where she'd come last week with George, finding the same nurse behind the desk. "I've come to see George Channing," She said by way of a greeting. "She's just down there," Tricia gestured in the direction of the corridor. "Number six. Would you like me to find a vase for those?" She asked, looking in appreciation at the bouquet of beautiful lilies that Karen held in one hand. "Yes please," Karen replied with a smile. "I'm hoping they might cheer her up."
When Karen quietly pushed open the door of George's room, she found her listlessly trying to stay interested in one of the books she'd brought with her. But when she looked up to see Karen moving towards her, her face broke into a warm smile. "This is a nice surprise," She said, as Karen bent to kiss her cheek. "I thought it was about time I came to see you," Karen said a little sheepishly. "How are you feeling?" "Sore, bored and miserable," George told her emphatically. "Those lilies are beautiful." "Ah well, I had a meeting with area management this afternoon, so they're from Neil. He said he'd be in touch when you were out of hospital and feeling a little more up to it." "That was nice of him," George said as Karen laid the flowers on the table in readiness for the vase she hoped Tricia would find. "I didn't mean to tell him," Karen confessed as she sat down in the chair by George's bed. "But I was possibly less than attentive during our meeting on Tuesday, and he does have this way of worming things out of me." "It's all right," George assured her. "One thing I am gradually coming to terms with is that everyone I know, will eventually become aware of this in one way or another." "Seeing as I knew you would probably be incredibly bored by now," Karen said with an affectionate smile. "I bought you this," She said, digging the CD out of her handbag and laying it on the table with the flowers. "Thank you, darling," George said, thinking that some new music might not be such a bad idea.
Karen stayed for a good couple of hours, listening as George poured out all the bitterness and frustration that she didn't feel able to load onto either Jo or John. But Karen was happy to do this, feeling that if this was all she could do, then it was definitely better than nothing. "When do you think they'll let you out?" She asked, it crossing her mind that the terminology for leaving hospital and leaving prison weren't all that dissimilar. "Hopefully Saturday," George said darkly. "But you know what it's like, they try not to make you any promises they might not be able to keep. Then I've got to come back next Wednesday to have the stitches out, which is probably when I'll find out just what sort of a state they've left me in, and the week after I'll be starting a course of chemotherapy. Lovely, isn't it." "If you ever want me to come with you, you only have to say," Karen promised her quietly. "Darling, much as that offer is appreciated, you have to work as much as Jo and John do." "And all three of us can afford to make the effort to be flexible," Karen told her firmly. "So just keep it in mind." "There is something you could do for me, if you would," George said tentatively. "Please could you put any of our friends who ought to know in the picture? I've given John the less than enjoyable task of informing Charlie and my father, but if you could tell Nikki and Helen etc, that would certainly help." "Of course I will," Karen said, thinking this a very small favour to ask, and thinking that with a little planning this could probably be accomplished this evening.
When Karen had finally left, assuring George that she knew where to find her if she wanted anything, George picked up the CD Karen had bought her. She had been introduced to Katie Melua's music by Jo, and had found it both soothing and thought provoking. Karen had bought her the new album, and George immediately retrieved her CD player, the headphones shutting out the world and taking her mind somewhere else entirely. The first two songs were relaxing enough, allowing George's thoughts to drift, but when she heard the words of the third, she couldn't help but realise that they all too clearly summed up what she would inevitably have to do to John and maybe Jo, push them away to prevent all three of them from being hurt more than was absolutely necessary. It wasn't something she even wanted to contemplate, but being unable to believe that they would want her when they saw what she now consisted of, her mind wouldn't allow her to think her proposed course of action anything less than vital to both her own and their eventual survival.
"First of all must go, your scent upon my pillow, And then I'll say goodbye to your whispers in my dreams. And then our lips will part, in my mind and in my heart, 'Cause your kiss went deeper than my skin."
"Piece by piece, is how I'll let go of you. Kiss by kiss, will leave my mind one at a time, one at a time.
First of all must fly, my dreams of you and I, There's no point in holding onto those. And then our ties will break, for your and my own sake, Just remember this is what you chose."
It was this last line that hurt her the most, because pushing those who loved her away was her choice, not theirs, not anyone's but hers. It had been her choice all along now that she came to think about it, her choice to hide from the cancer that had invaded her body, her choice to hide it from them, and it was now her choice to try and protect the two people she loved from what was yet to come.