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"Buffy, where in god's name have you been for the past two days? Everyone is dreadfully worried" her therapist Mr Giles stood up from behind his desk in shock. Her eyes were puffy and rimmed red from crying, he hoped that she hadn't done anything harmful.
He crept carefully to the side of his desk then stopped when she shook her head at him, when Joyce had called him to advise that she was missing he felt the same fear as they did. Seeing her walk through the door to his office was a relief.
She paced around his office mumbling to herself, she had come to like Giles, at first she hated his stuffiness but soon found it endearing – he was like the father she never had "Buffy?"
Her eyes flicked around the room then settled on him "See its one of those things, you think you're doing good, you meet an old boyfriend and although your heart got broke you still find it inside to forgive and accept him back into your life"
He raised his eyebrow, she had told him about Angel the day after she first saw him; he knew of their past and everything leading up to her hospitalisation. To begin with he was going to warn her to stay away but seeing the positive impact he had on her, he was grateful for him.
Buffy chuckled miserably, her fingers griping onto the sleeves of her jacket tightly "He makes me want to forget what happened all those months ago and I think I can… then I see him with that skank, could she be any more tacky, parading around in a thong-bikini, hello there is something called class?!"
She suddenly stopped in her tracks, her shoulders slumping under emotion, ready to crumble "then it hits me… today, today is the day… today is… was…" her eyes glazed over as she looked at the calendar on the wall and wiped her eyes harshly.
Giles felt his heart clench, her rambling was something he was accustomed to "Does Angel know? About your situation?" she shook her head and he frowned, doctor/patient confidentiality meant he couldn't share what he really wanted to share, as far as he knew he was the only one that was privy to this information – she wouldn't budge on letting anyone else know.
"Buffy, if you tell someone it may help" she looked up at him angrily "I told you" he held his hands up as a sign of peace as he came closer to her "You know that's not what I mean"
She looked at her surrogate father for a long minute, knowing that he was right; damn he was always right "I will tell him, I feel like he has a right to know"
He only smiled at her "It has been a long road Buffy, it's still not over, times have been hard and will continue to be but I am proud of you" he put his hand on her shoulder giving it a squeeze. He knew that their relationship wasn't entirely appropriate.
He should be a professional and keep a distance but he couldn't, she felt like a daughter to him and it hurt him whenever she came to his office in floods of tears. The past two month had been more positive and looking good.
"Now you better call home, your mother has been so upset" he gave her a stern look. She put her hand on top of his and smiled "I will" she wiped her eyes again then nodded as she walked out of his office.
Oooooooooooooo
She came to rest at the bridge over the river that led out of town, letting the sun beat down on her skin as she sat on the ledge and let her legs dangle off of the edge. She'd had two days to think over what she would say but kept pushing it off; there were so many things that she had to get out in the open; what one would be best first of all?
The day after her episode she came to the conclusion that she would begin to tell Angel some things about her time with Riley. There was something's that she felt had to be out in the open, when she went to his house and found the neighbourhood skank wrapped around him she felt crushed.
She knew that he wasn't seeing anyone as he spent a lot of his free time with her, then again Darla wasn't the type to be monogamous, she was clearly there so he could get his fill; he wasn't getting it from her that was sure.
Wanting nothing more than to be alone she took the money she had stashed in the house and took a bus out of town. This week was the hardest of them all; she wanted to go back and be strong but today was make or break.
Just a little white lie she told to Giles, she said she would call her mother and that was true but not right away. The only person she wanted to see was Angel, but before that she had to come up with a plan of what she was going to say.
She had spent so much time keeping everything in that she felt like she was going to come apart, even in the hospital she kept it all back, she didn't want to tell strangers for them to judge her. She wanted out so she told them what they wanted to hear.
There were times when she was ready to spill her heart but choked at the last minute, she couldn't continue on that way. She was at bursting point and was terrified she'd end up without her freedom again.
Buffy was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the heavy footsteps or sharp intake of breath "Buffy?!" upon opening her eyes she craned her neck so she could look at the man she wanted to speak too. He looked haggard, lack of sleep and the beginning of a five o'clock shadow dulled his face.
He had been out of town that morning and was on his way back in, when he saw her small frame on the other side of the bridge he slammed on the brakes. So not to scare her, he made his way over slowly; praying that she wouldn't fall off the ledge.
"Buffy?" he could feel his hands shaking, he held back the urge to just grab her in case she struggled against him "What are you doing?" he watched as she looked around the scenery then down to the river 50ft below.
He took another step closer to her and extended his hand out "Take my hand, please?" his voice was cracking under the stress, he had been so worried about her, everyone had, this was the last place he would have expected to find her.
Angel forced back the bile that rose in his throat when she looked away from him and stood up on the ledge and began to shake his head "Buff… Buffy?!" he jumped closer to her, then closed his eyes with relief as she turned around and climbed back onto the ground.
Without saying anything he pulled her into his arms with an iron clad grip, he gripped onto the back of her head and inhaled her scent; after eight years it had yet to change. He closed his eyes and held her tight, not wanting to let her go.
He pulled back and ran his fingers through her hair to pull it away from her face, he was surprised to see that she wasn't upset or looked to be stressed, in fact she looked almost at peace; her green eyes were calm "What in the hell are you thinking?"
She could feel the anger work its way through his body, Buffy looked at him steadily "Can we talk?" all he done was nod; he slipped his arm around her waist and escorted her to his car. The drive back to his house was only filled by the chatter on the radio.
They both went into the living room and sat down side by side on the sofa, Angel kept his gaze on her face as she prepared herself to talk "I've been dealing with a lot, there are things that no one but my therapist knows…."
He waited for her to continue, she picked at the sleeve on her denim jacket and sighed "Today was meant to be special, I found out the day before the accident and today was my due date…" she looked at him to gauge his reaction, so far he was dumbstruck.
"Yes, a baby Angel, I was going to be a mom" she closed her eyes, after the accident the doctor told her the news that her pregnancy would not come to term, that she wasn't going to bring a child onto this earth – It was still painful.
What he pictured was a baby that looked just like her, a little girl with big green eyes and mousey blonde hair; the fact that this baby was with another man tore him up on the inside "Were you happy?" he didn't know what else to say, that crushing sensation hut his chest with massive force.
Buffy smiled "I was" she cleared her throat "I was happy that I was pregnant… but I was never sad that he died, does that make me a bad person?"
She could see the question in his eyes "I'm not sad he's dead, if he was still alive it would kill me knowing that I was tied to him for the rest of my life, upset me so much; I wanted out and that would stop me from making a clean break"
Angel frowned, a break, from what? "What do you mean?" he leaned back on the seat and took a deep breath, trying to force down the urge to throw up.
She closed her eyes "I thought I was in love with him but I wasn't, he knew that and used it against me… we were happy in the beginning" letting out a sigh she continued "after some time he stopped being the sweet country boy and changed"
Her body tensed "We would argue a lot, he would spend some nights away from home – I know he was sleeping with someone behind my back and when I said it was over he begged me to give him another chance which I did"
A tear rolled down her cheek "one night we argued real bad, I called him a weak man… to prove he wasn't he… he forced himself on me" the tears continued to fall "After he called me pathetic, he hurt me so bad that night"
Angel clenched his fist; if Riley wasn't already dead then he would have been on the way to torture him right now. Buffy stifled a sob "Doctors didn't notice his bruises because of the ones from the accident… I felt relieved when they told me he didn't make it"
"Everyone remembers him as sweet, good natured Riley who had the perfect life – I knew different; he was like a different man… I still have them you know, the divorce papers; that's what we argued about in the car"
He stretched his hand to get the blood flow back, thinking of what to say next "Why didn't you tell your mom? Or Willow?"
She frowned "I couldn't do that, smear his name… he wasn't around to defend himself, I know the way the people in this town talk. It would look like I was uncaring and horrible; I didn't want that… I was numb after what happened"
He watched as she looked to the ground almost as if lost in a memory, after a minute or so she pursed her lips then looked back at him.
"Everyone thinks that I broke down because I lost my husband, no, once the feeling came back, it hit me at once; that id spent years of my life with someone who didn't love me, treated me wrong and the only saving grace of our marriage wouldn't be born"
Buffy sobbed "I was so numb… I just want to feel again, don't I deserve happiness?"
Angel felt a lump rise in his throat, of course she did, she was the most caring, wonderful woman he had ever met; she deserved everything that she had ever wanted. He scooped her up and sat her on his lap as the tears took over.
Hushing her, he rocked them both gently to soothe her nerves. He laid his cheek on her head and not long after he felt her hair was damp which he realised was from his own tears; he had been crying with her, her pain had enveloped him.
He welcomed the pain with open arms, if he could suffer it all and allow her a moment of peace he would beg for it on his knees until it came true. She let out a heart wrenching cry the more she thought about what today could have been.
Angel gripped onto her tight in an attempt to calm her down, he murmured into her ear in a feeble attempt to focus her attention elsewhere but it was no use, she had started hyperventilating and became panicked, her eyes darting around the room.
She could see his lips moving, his warm brown eyes locked with hers but she couldn't hear what he was saying, everything was so muddled all she could pick up on was the sound of her own heavy breathing swimming in her ears.
He took her face gently in between the palms of his hands and held her bleary gaze "Buffy, breathe…" he inhaled and exhaled deeply, hoping that she would follow "breathe with me baby, breathe…"