BITTERSWEET STRUGGLE-4
Hello dear people. Am I glad to be with you again... Really glad. Thank you for all the support, that you are giving to me and the story. It's incredible and I feel obligated to keep it interesting for you. This chapter will be a breaking one, from at least two reasons- they will discuss Charles's condition finally and Charles will have a major shock, due to his condition. Hope you will like it ;-)
The situation was not getting better in the recent days. On the contrary, Charles was aware, that it was getting worse and worse. If earlier his shaking hand was just an incident, which happened every few days, now there were practically no days, during which he didn't feel milder or stronger symptoms of this awful condition.
At the moment, he was so terrified about all this that was happening, that he practically stopped to pour wine or serve food to the family by the table himself. He divided all the duties between the footmen and they were trained well enough, not to ask any questions. It's not like they didn't wonder, what was going on. Charles was smart enough, to see the exchange of their curious looks, their raised eyebrows and their hidden smiles, at least that's what he thought he saw.
Ever since the symptoms became more vexing, he noticed, that he was more and more suspicious about different things and that he believed, that there was some hidden conspiracy surrounding him. He felt, like they were all laughing at him behind his back. He suffered tremendously. Alone and in silence.
It was a good thing, that the family was not too inquisitive and not many of them noticed, that he suddenly quit to serve the table or pouring wine. They didn't care, as long as they had everything they needed on the table.
Charles had more problems with conceling his condition in the cottage, when he was alone with Elsie. There wasn't many things that he would be able to hide from her. Elsie was sharp minded, very inquisitive and unlike the family, extremely interested with everything that involved him. He couldn't blame her for that, after all she was his wife.
She didn't ask any questions, when she noticed that he was not eager to help her in the kitchen like before, but she wasn't that understanding, when she noticed that he started to drift away from her, that he was avoiding closeness with her. She constantly asked him, if everything was all right and he kept giving her a short shrift, explaining, that he is tired and overworked. He wasn't sure how long he will be able to do it, because she never really believed that those were the true reasons of his behavior.
Avoiding his own wife for a longer time, was not an option, but so far, he wasn't able to invent any other solution.
Elsie knew, that something was wrong and that Charles's behavior was totally different now then few weeks ago, she was thinking about it, trying to fall asleep at night, her mind was full of bad feelings and she decided, that the only way to find out what was really going on, was not to ask him further, because it was pointless anyway, but rather to observe him, trying to figure out the real reason. As time passed, she was almost certain, that it was something about his health.
Hiding it from Charles, she asked Andy and Mr Molesley, if they haven't noticed some changes in Mr Carson's behavior and they both told her about his lack of engagement, in everyday duties. They admitted, that he didn't serve to the table or pour wine. That information really puzzled Elsie and from now on, she was more intent in observing her husand. She suspected, that sooner or later, something will happen, letting her discover, what was really going on with him.
She wasn't mistaken. It happened one afternoon, during servants tea time, when she was chatting with Mrs Patmore in the kitchen and Charles stormed to the room, to get his cup of tea. When Mrs Patmore was handing it to him, Elsie noticed, that his hand was clearly shaking.
It was quite a shock for her, but she made no comments, not wanting to embarrass him in front of the cook. Charles left the kitchen and Mrs Patmore was continuing her story, but Elsie stopped listen to her. She remembered how her favorite cup at home broke and in what condition Charles was in then. She thought, that he was nervous, because he broke her cup, but now it was clear, that his hand shaking was not accidental. She had to talk it over with him, immediately. She made her excuse to Mrs Patmore, who was a little bit resentful, that her best friend was clearly not interested in the things that she wanted to tell her and paced towards Charles's pantry.
Charles rose from his chair, as soon as she walked in, being a bundle of nerves, as he knew, that she noticed, what happened to his hand when he took the tea cup.
Elsie closed the door behind her and neared her husband.
"Charlie, were you ever going to tell me about it?"
"About what Elsie? I don't know what you mean."
"Charles, for godness sake, I am your wife, I have a right to know everything that involves you. What is going on? What is it with the shaking? I've noticed it before, but I put a different meaning to that then, now I can see, that this is happening on regular basis. What is wrong?"
"Elsie, please, I do not wish to discuss about our private matters at home. This is our rule, remember? We are not discussing about the Abbey in the cottage and we are not discussing about our private matters here."
"All right then. In that case, we will discuss about it in the evening. Be sure, that I will not let you to avoid the topic anymore. We need to talk, seriously."
Elsie left and Charles was terrified, there was no way to avoid this topic anymore. He knew, that Elsie will not let go this time and that he will have to tell her the truth. One way or another, there was no way out.
He sighed heavily, wondering how she will react? Will she regret, that she married and old cripple, who will soon require constant care? No, he couldn't tell her the whole truth, not yet. He had to minimize the effects of that information, that he was going to give her. He swiftly decided, that he will let her know only that much, as she needed to know. He will not let her think, that he was hopeless. That he was lost. He will prove to her, that he is still the same man, that she wanted to marry few months earlier. Strong, reliable, full of passion for life, his work and their marriage. Yes, that was the plan that he had.
Later, Carson's cottage...
They were sitting on the sofa, sipping the tea and talking...
"So you see Elsie. I don't need a doctor, because I already know what it is. It's been in my family for generations. My grandad had it and my father had it..."
"Is it serious Charles? I never heard of it before."
"I'm not surprised, it's not very common. I wouldn't know about it either, if it wasn't in my family."
"But how did it effect your grandad and dad? You've been there, so you know."
"Well, they were, they were...They were having problems with holding things and there were days when they were weaker...I don't recall anything else...Really..."
"What about their jobs Charlie? Were they able to keep it?"
"Well, actually no...After a while, they had to stop their careers, but not immediately, not in the beginning, so I'm thinking that..."
"Charles...You do not talk a lot about your family, but I understand, that neither of them was a butler in the great house, like you?"
"That's right, none of them was a butler in such house, why do you ask Elsie?"
"Because I think, that this is an important factor. You are under a lot of strain my love. Everyday. I know that better than anyone. I really believe, that you should think about quitting your job."
"I will do no such thing Elsie! How can you even suggest that?! This is ridiculous!"
"Calm down Charlie, I'm only trying to help you. To find the best solution. You know how much I care about you..."
"If you care about me Elsie, you know very well, that I will do no such thing! Being a butler at Downton Abbey is my whole life!"
"I thought that I was your whole life Charles, at least that's what you are often repeating to me..."
"Of course you are Elsie, but I love my work and I'm fully capable of still doing it..."
Elsie looked at her husband with quite a large doze of disbelief in her eyes...She was really trying to help him, but her reaction only caused anger in him...There he was, trying to go according to his plan, to show Elsie that he was able to live normally and she didn't believe him...The anger that he felt, was mixing with nerves and he was determined to prove his wife, that he was still a vital man, that she married.
"You do not believe me Elsie! I see that you do not! I will prove to you, that I can do anything I want, do you hear me? Anything!"
He felt the shaking again and before he realized, he dropped the cup of tea, which hit the floor with a loud noise...
"Charles, it's all right, let me get that...It's really..."
"Well, maybe I'm not able to hold a cup, but I will find a way to do this, you will see...Not now Elsie..."- he stopped her, when she was trying to clean the mess of the broken cup
"Later, now I will take you upstairs and show you, that you still have the real man under this roof, who is capable of doing everything...Come on love..."
He kissed Elsie violently, almost forcefully and Elsie saw the enormous determination in him. She felt sorry for his desperation, but she didn't want to break him totally, by saying no...So she try to solve this situation in a different way...
"Charlie, really, there isn't anything that you have to prove, not like this...Charles, what are you?"
Elsie was amazed, when Charles took her hand and pulled her upstairs, towards their bedroom, undressing her quickly...There was some kind of darkness and madness in his actions and Elsie has never seen him that way...It was not that she was scared, because she knew, that Charles would never hurt her in any way, but for the first time, when he tried to make love with her, it didn't feel right, because she knew, that he did it from wrong reasons..."
"I' am exactly the same man, that you fell in love with...The same strong man, that you are lusting after, Elsie..."
He kissed her again and they were lying on the bed, in their underwear...Elsie tried to adjust to this unique situation, she consoled herself, that maybe having sex will take Charles's mind from the difficult situation, that maybe it was the thing that he needed right now..
Charles felt mad, mad at the world, mad at himself, mad at his life...He wanted to show Elsie, that she did not waste her life marrying him, that she can still have the husband that she deserved, but something felt different...
Different than on any other time when they were making love...In the beginning, he didn't quite know what it was, but after a moment he realized, that for the first time, since they got married and became intimate, he wasn't able to "raise to the occasion", even though nothing has changed. He still loved and desired Elsie, she was still sweet, enticing and all his, but his body refused to cooperate with him...
Perhaps it was the result of the stress, or the unusual situation, however much he tried, he knew, that it will not happen tonight...He was looking at her gorgeous body, he was listening to her quiet, lovely sounds, that he adored so much, he was touching her, hoping, that soon things will go as they should, but nothing happened...
When he understood, that for the first time, he will let his wife down, he was so ashamed, so embarrassed, that he didn't want to to see her, or be in her presence...
In one moment he stopped kissing her, pulled away and started to dressed up...
Elsie didn't know what was going on, but seeing Charles's face, she slowly began to understand, what has just happened...She wanted to tell him, that it didn't matter, that it wasn't significant, but he didn't give her any chance...He simply left the bedroom, whispering quietly:
"I will sleep in the downstairs sofa tonight Elsie, please do not follow me...I don't want to talk about it. Goodnight..."
He left, slamming the doors louldy, full of pain and despair, leaving Elsie alone, with similar feelings.. They've been together for a while and went through many crisis of a different sort, but something like this has never happened and Elsie realized, that this night couldn't have ended in a worse way...
That's all for today...Quch! Sorry Charles...I don't think that I have ever given him such a challenge before. Needless to say, this chapter will be continued...It can't end that way. I told you, that I will try to make this story very realistic and as I read-those kind of problems do exist in essential tremor or palsy, for men, so I decided to let Charles go through the toughest moment. Now Elsie needs to solve this situation, which is getting more and more difficult. Thanks for reading and this time, I'm really curious what you think...I always say, that and it's always true, but now it's even more true than usual ;-) Have a wonderful weekend!