A/N-I'm incredibly grateful for the responses I've had so far with the first chapter. Thank you to all who've left comments and kudos! The longest fic I've ever written was only about 4400 words, so this is an enormous leap forward for me in terms of complexity and length. I've spent countless hours planning and writing this story, so I'm beyond excited to finally share it with others. I hope you all find Ben and Rey's journeys as satisfying and meaningful as it was for me to write them :)
Just as another friendly reminder, warnings are listed in the author's notes at the end of the chapter if you feel you need them.
Kylo trudged through the ankle-deep snow of a dark forest, leaving screams of pain and the discordant sounds of battle in his wake. His boots crunched on a thin layer of ice with each step. His lightsaber crackled in a tight fist. The vocoder in his helmet distorted his breathing as he kept a punishing pace. Moving deeper into the woods, the world around him grew hushed and devoid of life. A compulsion dragged him forward. Though he couldn't be sure what it was, the thrill of a hunter sang in his veins.
As he continued his relentless pursuit, Kylo heard a low murmur of voices. Intrigued, he stopped to listen. They melded together as an indistinct hum, and he had some difficulty deciphering their words over his labored breathing. He tightened the grip on his saber as he prepared for a fight, but nobody presented themselves. Waiting in eager anticipation, one voice coalesced above the rest. Though it was no louder than a whisper, it struck something deep within Kylo with unsettling resonance.
"Ben."
The name repeated in an endless echo that reverberated through the woods. Kylo spun in search of the voice, but he stood alone amidst the black trunks of the trees. An unexpected chill sent involuntary tremors through his body. Bewildered, he realized he stood naked in the snow with nothing but his lightsaber for protection. He was exposed and unguarded. His breathing no longer warped by his helmet, he sounded fragile and weak. Kylo's eyes darted amongst the trees as he braced for an attack.
The same voice rose and fell among the drone of other whispers.
"... stop…" And then, "… don't… fight…"
A hand grasped the bare skin of his saber arm with sudden strength. The fingers were elongated, the skin mottled like cancerous growths. Another rested with covetous regard on his left shoulder. The hands caged him with possessive dominance. Ben stared forward, too terrified to move. His breath came in ragged gasps as his blood turned to icy shards in his veins. He felt the sickly warmth of an exhalation in his ear. A different whisper from the ones before spoke to him with unsettling relish.
"Yes, Ben." The voice used the name as if to mock him. "Just stop fighting."
Blind terror consumed him as his skin crawled with disgust. He tore away from the hands that grasped him and spun wildly. With a strangled cry, he thrust the unstable blade of his lightsaber into the chest of his assailant. Tears stung his eyes as he breathed an intense sigh relief. He looked into the face of his enemy before his heart stopped dead in his chest. The eyes that stared at him in shock didn't belong to Snoke.
Rey's despairing gaze locked onto his as Ben retracted the blade of his saber. Her body jerked with the motion, and she collapsed into him. He dropped his weapon and caught her naked body in an obscene embrace. She was so heavy. Ben choked out a sob of dismayed horror when her burned flesh pressed against the skin of his chest. His knees gave out, and he collapsed in the snow. Tears burned down his face as he uttered an endless string of, "No, no, no!" in increasing desperation. Rey's stare of betrayal bored into him as he placed a quaking hand over the wound just below her breasts. Her chest rose and fell beneath his palm in shallow agitated breaths. Ben willed the injury away, but the damage from his saber was savage and jagged as her blood wept between his fingers. There was so much. It marred her skin in vibrant angry smears.
The heartbeat under his hand grew slower and fainter until it disappeared altogether. The breath left his lungs when Rey breathed her last. Ben forced himself to look at her face. He was met with her unseeing eyes as they stared at him in condemnation. Ben cradled her body to him. He rocked against her as a piteous lament tore from deep within his chest.
/ / /
Ben woke with a cry on his lips in the cockpit of the Silencer.
The clouds shifted outside, and sunlight broke through the rain-spattered transparisteel. Wiping the tears from his face with a shaking hand, Ben blew out a shuddering breath as he tried to force the nightmare from his head. After his racing heart slowed somewhat, he sighed and grimaced. Another one.
His dreams were becoming more disturbing, and they made sleep increasingly intolerable. He had enough nightmares in his waking hours; Ben didn't need them disrupting the one thing that should give him reprieve. But he just couldn't escape the endless series of sins he'd committed. Worse still, his dreams had a way of distorting and intensifying his thoughts and memories into horrific imagery that he couldn't help but ruminate on in his waking hours. The cycle just continued to feed on itself without regard to his sanity.
These macabre visions of his past deeds only became more distressing with Rey's frequent appearances. He'd killed her in every one. He'd cried over her bloodied and broken body in every one. Her lifeless gaze condemned him in every one. Ben's brow furrowed. He shut his eyes against the bright sunlight as he swallowed through the thick lump in his throat. He was sure the dreams of Rey were an omen. Was he wrong for reaching out to her? He was a lethal poison that he didn't want her to consume. He set his jaw. It won't be long. Just do what needs to be done.
With a flicker of newfound resolve, Ben set his shoulders and attempted to meditate. Though he needed practice after years of neglect, he'd turned to the Jedi form of the exercise a few months following Crait. He couldn't stand being alone with his own thoughts. After a lifetime of Snoke's mental intrusion, Ben found the sudden silence frightening. His absence just made room for the memories and thoughts he didn't want to relive or examine. Meditation promised him the blank calm he so desperately needed; Ben could ignore the cancerous ruminations of his own mind. For a time, at least.
He realized only recently how much of a role it played in him turning from the First Order. Meditation siphoned away much of his anger and granted him the kind of level mind he hadn't had in years. But the vacuum left by his rage allowed long-buried guilts to surface instead. He'd traded one emotional quagmire for another. With a familiar stab, Ben reflected again on the destiny the Force bestowed on him: To remain turbulent and conflicted.
He withdrew from his troubled thoughts when an alert sounded in the cockpit. Han's old ship broke through the remaining clouds as he looked to the sky. Something caught in his throat. Of course she came to meet him in the one ship he couldn't bear to step foot on. He marveled at the Force's ability to make him suffer. His heart twisted in his chest. He couldn't possibly fly on the Millennium Falcon. He couldn't. He wouldn't.
You don't have a choice. Ben wanted to fight the thought, but he knew it was the truth. He couldn't simply ask for a different ship. He sighed before rubbing his tired eyes. This was poetic justice. Forcing himself to endure his father's ship would just be another punishment. Looking up at the Falcon, he felt resigned to whatever tortures fate sentenced him to.
After the junker alighted on a slight rise not far from the Silencer, the roar from its engines faded to nothing as it sat in the sun. Ben took in every line and detail. A well of emotion bubbled within as he studied it. He never thought the day would come when he would board the freighter without seizing it by force. Yet there he was about to abandon the position he'd sacrificed, suffered, and killed so much for. Something dreadful threatened to devour Ben whole before he managed to will the beast away.
He swallowed against the knot in his chest as he focused instead on the Falcon's cockpit. A different ache appeared as he thought of who had flown to meet him on this desolate little rock. Rey. He focused on her presence in the Force. An unexpected contentment passed through him as her unwavering energy reached him. He closed his eyes as he let it flood his senses. It was so strong, stronger than when they were in the throne room together. Ben recalled the brief but incredible sensation of oneness he experienced with her at his back. But compared to what he felt now… His chest thrummed, and he felt an intense call from something deep and unknowable inside him. It ached for a reunion with whatever equivalent resided within Rey. He'd tried to ignore it during their months apart, but he could never completely shut out the entreaty from across the stars.
She was right to shut you out. You aren't worthy of her, and you don't deserve the bond she has with you. His shoulders slumped as he opened his eyes to the harsh light of truth. Her silence over the past eight months was all his fault. Ben reminded himself of that painful moment on Crait. He'd felt such a powerful anger and rejection after she pulled the lightsaber from him on the Supremacy. But the guilt of their decisions that day lay squarely on his shoulders, not hers. His choices pushed her away and left him feeling emptier than he had in years. Do you think she's going to feel any different now? Ben's misgivings rushed back in. What was he doing, reaching out to her of all people?
It was too late to change the plan. Trying to force the doubts aside, he sat up straighter as anxiety worked its way through him. With more resolve than he felt, he readied the comm to broadcast his false mayday alert. Afraid of what she would do if he sent out the message while she was still on the ship, he waited for Rey to appear.
As Ben stared at the Falcon, his doubts returned. He worked his jaw in agitation. I shouldn't be here. He didn't belong on that ship. He had no right to it, no right to even step foot on it. But he was committed to the course. He wouldn't turn back. He couldn't. The Resistance needed any help it could get. After he handed over what he could, he didn't know what he wanted. Beyond that lay a pointless conflict between foolish optimism and weary acceptance of what was likely to come. When the Falcon's boarding ramp lowered to the ground, Ben focused on the lone figure that exited the ship. There she was. His heart lurched as that same conflict raged within him. He swallowed and forced it aside for another time. Instead, he opened the emergency band and put on the most authoritative voice he could muster. His anxiety that laced through it would only serve to make it more convincing. Ben rattled off his coordinates.
"S.O.S. S.O.S. This is Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. All First Order vessels within the vicinity must respond immediately to my location. I repeat, all First Order vessels within range must-" He cut off the end of the message as it broadcast to the universe. Astonished at what he'd done, Ben withdrew his hand from the comm. His breath came out in a massive exhale. There was no going back.
He checked his mental barrier against the Force bond one more time. Ben reached to release the Silencer's hatch. With one last look at the embodiment of his most recent failure, he pulled himself from the ship. As soon as his feet touched ground, the dread and guilt he'd managed to keep at bay crashed into him. If it weren't for his concern over how Rey would view him, Ben would've doubled over under the weight of it. Grinding his teeth, he steeled himself against it. Later. He would endure it later.
Ben began the long walk across the no-man's land between the two ships. As he drew closer to the Falcon, his gaze dropped lower. With each step, he found it more and more difficult to keep his composure under control.
"Ben!"
The memory of Han's voice shouted at him from across time. A flash of red and the drop of a body into an endless abyss. Ben jerked his head in agitation. Not here. He buried the images but forced himself to look at his father's ship. His stomach twisted with remorse. I shouldn't be here. But instead of heeding the thought, he lowered his head and his feet carried him forward.
When he reached the bottom of the ramp, a different regret mixed in with the others. He felt Rey's eyes on him. He wanted to hide and shrink away from his inexcusable actions of the throne room and Crait. He huffed a breath and looked up with an apology on his lips. But his eyes met hers, and words failed him. What could he say? Nothing could erase his crimes or the impossible ultimatum he'd given her eight months ago. Words were nothing in the face of what he'd done. Not for the first time, he wished the connection between them were open to communicate what his mouth could not. She looked uncomfortable. He gathered the courage to break the silence and end her unease.
But he was a coward.
When she crossed her arms and broke eye contact, Ben felt as if he'd failed to take advantage of some opportunity. A renewed ache settled in his chest. Rey was brave enough to speak first.
"What changed?" Everything. There were no voices in his head for the first time in his life, and with their absence came the first true clarity in years. After much reflection, he recognized he wasn't creating order or peace in the galaxy. He was sowing chaos and pain. It was like waking from a dream to find he was living a nightmare, and he couldn't remedy his mistakes on his own. He felt he had no choice but to reach out to the only person who'd ever extended him a hand.
Ben asked himself, What hadn't changed? He'd come to realize how much of a failure he actually was. His guilt was drowning him in every conceivable way. He felt like part of him had been missing since Rey shut him out. He finally understood the depths of his defectiveness.
Instead of putting voice to his jumbled thoughts, he only said, "I… couldn't be the monster anymore." It was the truth, and that was all he'd ever given her. He was still a monster; nothing would ever change that. But by bringing both of them to this moment, he relinquished all of his power to her. Ben laid himself at the mercy of Rey's enormous capacity for compassion and hoped she could trust him just enough to do what needed to be done. If she didn't accept him and chose to leave him behind on this rock… Well, he knew he couldn't live with himself any more than the galaxy could. He had nowhere to go and no one else who could accept him. So he endured the stretching silence in anticipation of her judgement.
When Rey seemed to accept his explanation, intense relief flowed through him. But as he followed her up the ramp, the reality of what that meant hit him. Hard. He was boarding his father's ship. This was a home to him, once upon a time. Now it was neither. Han was dead, and Ben was an invading trespasser. He'd killed Han. He'd killed him. The thought repeated over and over as agony spiked through him. Ben's vision narrowed as it began to overwhelm him.
His distress almost spiraled into something out-of-control when Rey stumbled forward. Confusion and concern broke through the haze in his head. "Rey…?" With difficulty, he shook himself from his thoughts and closed the gap between them. Another burst of clarity stopped him from reaching for her. She'd shut him out on Crait. She'd kept their connection closed for months. She didn't want him. She wanted to keep her distance from him. She only came to meet him because of what he could do for the Resistance. He swallowed against the pain in his chest and drew back. His worry for her remained.
Ben's relief was brief when she finally looked back at him. There was so much pain in her eyes, her distress was palpable. What was wrong? Clearing his mind further, he noticed a phantom pain on top of his own. It wasn't his. It was Rey's. The bond wasn't open, but the intensity of her suffering broke through. When he focused on it, he realized the nature of the pain was identical to what he was feeling.
Understanding and mortification broke over him. Ben reached within and found a breach in his barrier. He built up the fortification once more, and the feedback loop of his anguish ceased. What remained was purely his own. His throat was thick with shame. How could he have been so careless? How could he do that to her? What must she think of him?
"We should get out of here." Avoiding her eyes, he continued up the ramp. At the threshold of the ship, he hesitated and took a steadying breath before entering the Falcon for the first time in years.
Ben felt as if his body were in a trance. His mind overloaded with a tangle of thoughts, memories, and emotions. But his legs followed a familiar path to the cockpit without conscious input. He was about to enter the compartment when something in him recoiled. Ben pulled up short when he saw the empty pilot seat. Lucidity crashed into him.
I shouldn't be here. For a moment, Ben had forgotten who he was. What he had done. This was his father's ship. He felt as if he were spitting on his grave. He felt sick. He needed to leave. He couldn't fly on the Falcon. He couldn't stay here. He couldn't-
"… Supreme Leader Kylo Ren… respond immediately… First Order vessels…"
He had only a dim awareness of the message until he noticed Rey staring at him. Her expression pulled Ben from his circling thoughts. Why did she look angry? Or was it confusion? No, it was hurt. A hint of urgency trickled through his fogged mind. Forcing his guilt aside to focus on the present, he somehow suppressed it to a dull ache. Only then did he realize his mistake: He forgot about the damn S.O.S.
Ben's stomach lurched. She'd never trust him or the information he had to offer. He needed to explain. If he didn't, the damage from his mistakes would never be undone.
"Rey-"
Ben stared down the barrel of a blaster. His heart stopped at the look on her face. He'd screwed it all up. When her eyes darted to his lightsaber, Ben berated himself for the habitual way he always carried it with him. Another mistake. He didn't need it anymore. He never wanted to use the damn thing again. He swallowed and tried to ease her fears by lifting his hands above his head. He wasn't there to fight. He needed her to understand. He needed her trust.
"I need you to blow up the Silencer."
"Why?" Her blaster tilted toward him just a little more. Ben forced himself to maintain a calm exterior despite his growing despair. He tried explaining as logically as possible, but he knew it all seemed too far-fetched. It sounded like a trick even to his own ears. It was reckless to broadcast the moment he went missing. It would only bring on more suspicion. Could he have bought the Resistance more time by simply breaking off contact with the First Order altogether? At the very least, he should've told her what he was going to do. Ben had to admit that his plan was ill-conceived, and Rey would never believe it.
Of course she didn't trust him. He'd been a fool to think her feelings toward him would've changed since Crait. Ben couldn't help the resentment and hurt that trickled through his distress. She fired at him on Takodana. She fired at him in their first Force bond. She pulled the lightsaber from him on the Supremacy. Rey didn't trust him. She never did.
But did you ever give her a reason to? His heart twinged. It was true. He'd only ever given her cause to doubt and fear him. This moment was no different. It was all falling apart, and the Resistance's chances of toppling the First Order crumbled with it. Ben wanted to scream. It was all for nothing. This would be his last dismal failure. She'd put a blaster bolt through his chest, and he'd doom the galaxy to tyranny. All because he couldn't keep his thoughts and emotions in check. He needed her to trust him.
"Please." It spilled out before his mind caught up to his mouth. In the haze of his fear, he realized he'd made the same plea in the throne room. Two moments of desperation, two moments he'd laid his heart on the floor between them. Two moments that felt like admissions, though Ben didn't know why. But he felt the crush of resignation in his chest. This moment would end the same way. She didn't trust him, and she never would. When something morphed in Rey's eyes, a heavy weight settled on his shoulders as he awaited her final rejection.
Ben almost choked when she lowered her weapon. She believed him. She actually believed him. Rey's eyes dropped to her holster as she stowed the blaster, and Ben just stared at her. He felt as if some vital thing had shifted. She wasn't supposed to react this way. She wasn't supposed to trust him. In his experience, it wasn't what people did. Something flickered to life in Ben's chest and faintly lit a small corner of his soul. It had the distinct feel of something familiar yet long-forgotten. It was weak and malnourished, but it whispered promises of what could be.
Before Ben could get a firm grasp to examine it closer, reality reminded him of his circumstances. Don't pretend this ends well for you. The flicker snuffed out, and Ben felt a surprising pang of loss at its absence. His shoulders slumped as the cold and resignation rushed in to fill the void. Don't forget who you are, why you're here, and what'll happen when it's over. The flicker stirred as if in defiance of the thought before going dormant once more. Ben felt a cutting sadness that hurt more than he expected. He forced himself to focus on the present.
Rey had justifiable questions about their arrangement, and he wanted to reassure her that she needn't worry. Ben felt some relief for the simple fact that they could have a conversation without a hint of antagonism. As an added bonus, discussing logistics had a way of bringing clarity to his usually tangled mind. Considering the thoughts that threatened to tear into him, he welcomed the comparatively painless topic of conversation.
Despite her concern and his precautions, he doubted Hux would put much effort into finding him anyway. Feeling bitter, Ben reflected that his general would finally have the power he'd sought for years. It would be the most bloodless coup in the history of the galaxy. With a sinking sensation, he supposed that depended on certain details he didn't care to think about at the moment.
"What about your lack of remains?"
Half lost in the irony of her question, he rattled off an explanation. When he said he disabled certain fail-safes in the Silencer, he meant he mercilessly (but very carefully) tore into the state-of-the-art craft with tools and his lightsaber for the better part of the day. Creating fatal defects in the shield generator and reactor was a suicidal undertaking; if he'd made a mistake, Rey would've arrived to a crater rather than the man standing before her. "So long as the ship takes a hit, there won't be a body to find." Ben noted his lack of hesitancy to sit on an unstable bomb for several hours. With resignation, he supposed the fatalistic streak in him was as potent as ever. "Or much of a ship, for that matter."
Ben was taken aback when he saw the faint smile on Rey's lips. He didn't understand what had happened to cause the shift, but it was a welcome one. He realized he'd never really seen her smile before. It was small, but he felt as if he were witnessing something he didn't deserve to see. Ben found he didn't want her slight bit of happiness to leave.
"Too bad we don't have a spare body to put in your place." Rey's lips curved up a little further. Ben experienced a strange lightness at her unexpected joke. He suddenly had an inexplicable urge to make her laugh. His mind fast-tracked a reply.
"Well, I might be a monster, but I'm not going to kill someone just to use their corpse as a prop."
The smile fell from her face, and cold entered the space between them. Any ease that might have existed evaporated. Ben felt like an idiot. He'd forgotten himself and answered with the first thing that popped into his head. It obviously wasn't what he should've said. Of all things, why did he think reminding her of what he was would count for levity? He wanted to find a way to salvage the conversation, but Rey turned her back on him. Another mistake, another missed opportunity. It doesn't matter anyway. Still, the strength of his disappointment made his heart sink.
"We should probably get going." When she sat in his father's old seat, the guilt Ben somehow managed to suppress took the opportunity to tear into him. As he watched Rey ready the Falcon, he remembered Han performing the same tasks. He saw the same ease in her practiced movements. He'd be here if it weren't for you. Ben heard Rey as if from far away. "Do you want to take care of the Silencer from the turret?"
It took him a moment to register that she'd asked him a question he should probably answer. "... Sure."
He needed to escape. He needed to get as far away from the cockpit as possible. I shouldn't be here. Ben noticed his chest had grown heavy. His legs picked up speed as he rushed down the corridor. As his thoughts raced with his feet, Ben could feel the impending spiral. He needed some sort of grounding before he lost himself again.
Once he was sure Rey wouldn't see him, Ben leaned against the Falcon's curving bulkhead. He pressed his palms flat against its surface as he tried to steady himself. His gaze drifted to the ceiling, and he tried following the lines of the panels through eyes blurred with tears. His breath came out shaky and uncertain as he attempted to force a state of calm. The months of meditation and breathing exercises seemed inadequate and useless. Despite being alone, Ben felt the familiar shame and embarrassment at the state he'd found himself in. His temper flared, and he grit his teeth. Get a hold of yourself. Then he grew disappointed for falling back on his anger.
A sudden tiredness overtook him. Ben closed his eyes and shook his head as a couple tears escaped. None of it mattered. His guilt, his anger, his perpetual turmoil. They didn't matter. He just needed to hold himself together long enough to pass on what he knew. What followed didn't matter. Ultimately, it was this resignation that allowed him to slow his breathing and focus his mind. It still took longer than he expected.
Ben straightened himself and descended to the lower turret with grim resolve. He pulled the available headset over his ears and attempted to clear the last bit of thickness from his throat.
"Ready." Ben watched the ground fall away beneath him. As they rose, the Silencer shrank in size and significance. It was all insignificant. Everything he'd done or tried to do. None of it mattered. When he pressed the trigger, he reflected on how one simple hand movement could cause so much destruction. When he averted his gaze from the explosion, he saw Han's face illuminated in red. He forced his eyes open so the bright light would burn the image away. He still saw white spots when they entered the blackness of space.
As his vision cleared, he heard Rey's voice. "What do we do now?"
Ben's heart clenched at her simple question. He swallowed past an intense sadness that engulfed him. His determination, his plan. They were gone. He was suddenly overwhelmed by what he'd told himself he'd do. The familiar conflict returned. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't know if he had the strength to do it.
"… I don't know."
He felt alone in the emptiness of the galaxy.
TW: In a dream, Ben experiences an unsettling representation of how he subconsciously views Snoke and the mental and emotional abuse he inflicted on him.
TW: In a dream, some potentially vivid lines concerning violence.
TW: Ben experiences intense apathy that's accompanied by hopelessness.
TW: Ben experiences panic and extreme guilt. He has a moment of shame when he feels like he's not keeping himself under control.
TW: Ben struggles with his self-worth.
A/N-In the next chapter, Ben and Rey begin the long and difficult process of healing. Thanks once again for taking the time to read this! Feel free to comment if you're enjoying the story :)