A/N-With the previous chapter, we've officially entered the heavy angst part of this story. But as the saying goes, the light shines brightest in the dark. Have Hope, and we'll make it through the other side.

Content warnings are listed in the Author's Notes at the end.

Rey was attempting some much-needed maintenance on the Falcon's propulsion system. After several hours, she felt she was failing miserably at the task. Hydrospanner in hand, she lay on her side in the engine room as she tried to reach a particularly inconvenient access panel.

But she was tired and frustrated and her nerves were shot. After finding Ben outside the cockpit, she never returned to her bunk. She was too afraid to sleep, too afraid of his admission that he wanted to kill himself. He'd been so lost in his grief and remorse, she had no idea what he might do on his own. Rey felt an overwhelming responsibility to watch over him, but it left her feeling on edge and terrified.

After Ben's panic attack, she resisted the urge to put any barrier between them to ease the powerful emotions that flooded from his side. Rey wanted to be there for him, so she suffered his pain and guilt too. All she could do was sit with him and push as much calm and caring into the bond as she could. But his sobbing never diminished, and it only intensified her worry.

When he eventually cried himself into exhaustion, she tried getting him to a bunk. But he fought and refused, and his emotions just spiked again. She felt the punch of [escape] as he stumbled back to the rear cargo hold. Dread poured over her like ice cold water. Before Rey knew what she was doing, she raced to meet him at the hatchway.

"Ben." He turned to look at her. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked like a mess. The vulnerability of it terrified her. She didn't know what to say. Her mind was frozen, but she had to say something, didn't she? [fear] "Please don't do anything." When pain spilled anew into the bond, she regretted her words. He just stared at her, and she felt his [shame] before he gave a faint nod.

After the hatch slid shut between them, she backed against the opposite wall and slid to the floor. Rey cradled her head in her hands as the air rushed from her chest in a sudden release of pent-up tension. When she felt his side of the bond disappear behind a barrier, the fear and emotional strain of the night crashed into her. As she kept vigil, Rey cried as quietly as possible.

But she knew she couldn't just wait outside the cargo hold forever. Even though she didn't want to leave Ben alone, she needed something to occupy her mind. She gave herself tasks that kept her nearby and alert, but she was too hyperaware of every sound that emanated from the old ship. Rey found herself twitchy and hanging on the thinnest sliver of nerves.

She still left her side of the bond open. Though he'd shut her out again, she wanted to keep herself informed on his emotional state as much as possible. She also had a naive hope that he might find some comfort in it. But it didn't seem to help him outside the cockpit, so she wasn't sure what good it would do him now. Her actions didn't change anything last night, and she didn't know what she could do to help him going forward. Rey was afraid for him, and she felt unable to do anything about it.

She tried to ignore her intense worry as she strained for the inaccessible panel again. She just couldn't reach it.

Rey's brow furrowed, and sweat stung her eyes. She was warm and uncomfortable, and her hip was developing a permanent ache from bracing her weight against the unforgiving floor. When the hydrospanner lost its grip on the panel again, Rey growled in frustration as she cursed the engineer who designed the thing. She almost threw the tool in anger before forcing her frustration down into mere weariness.

Rey sighed. She was burned out. She felt overstretched after another long night of very little sleep, and she couldn't focus. Setting the hydrospanner on the floor, she rolled onto her back as she rubbed the sharp grit of tiredness into her eyes. She couldn't keep them open, and she needed some reprieve from the stress. Though Rey dreaded the possibility of another nightmare, she was no good in the state she was in.

She didn't want to leave Ben alone for long, but she reasoned any nap on the floor of the engine room would be brief. She just hoped it would be dreamless. Sighing against the anxiety that wouldn't disappear from her chest, Rey curled on her side and didn't fight the sleep that pulled her under.

/ / /

The sun beat down on Rey's naked body with oppressive weight. The desert wind blasted her exposed skin. Her feet left long tracks in the burning sand as she dragged herself through an endless wasteland. Her stomach was a hollow pit, her throat parched and thick, her eyes scratchy and raw. She was emaciated and skeletal. Her body existed only as an unnatural canvas of sharp lines and protruding bones.

But something worse withered her soul. Whatever it lacked was far more agonizing than her physical malnourishment. An insatiable hunger for something compelled her forward. Or was it for someone? Her mind couldn't make sense of the distinction between the two.

After some time, a lone figure distinguished itself amongst the shimmering heatwaves of the far distance. Rey sped her pace with a desperation that gnawed at something deep within. As she drew closer, the one became many. She could've cried. There were others. Someone would help her. She wasn't alone here. Rey stumbled over her own feet in her rush to close the distance.

The figures manifested into distinct individuals. She could only see the backs of the gathered crowd as their attention was drawn to something she couldn't see. When Rey came upon them, a wall of sound greeted her. One voice was indistinguishable from the next. She closed her eyes to relish the din that only a large group of people could create. The sound of it buzzing in her head was almost intoxicating. The only noises she'd heard for so long were the desert winds and skittering sands. Relieved, Rey opened her eyes and reached out to the nearest person.

They stepped away from her hand. Abrupt silence replaced the bustling noise of the crowd. Rey's stomach dropped with dread. She turned and realized they all encircled her just out of reach. The people were as numerous as the tally marks on her wall, yet no one looked in her direction. When she grasped for another, the crowd moved to avoid her outstretched fingers. Desperate, she lunged again. The person moved forward. They all did.

The crowd walked away from her en masse. Whenever she tried to grasp an arm or pluck at clothing, they surged just out of reach. Rey attempted to cry out, to call them back, but only an arid noise came from her throat. It was like a rattle mixed with the dry sound of sand blowing across the desert floor. She screamed in her own head.

No, stay! Please! Rey wanted to beg them to stop, but only that same wheeze managed to escape her cracked and bleeding lips. The crowd moved faster and faster away from her in all directions. Rey ran after them. Wait! Come back! There were so many, yet she couldn't make a single one stay. No one even looked at her. She was a woman that nobody wanted.

One by one, each and every person disappeared into the heat shimmers of the wasteland. What little strength Rey had left deserted her. She hung her head and cried silent tears. Come back… She didn't want to be alone. It was the worst kind of deprivation she'd ever experienced. Worse even than the thirst, hunger, or heat. The abandonment devoured her from the inside out.

With utter despair in her heart, Rey looked around at the empty desert. Her breath caught in her dry throat when she saw that a scattering of people remained. Their backs were still turned, yet they had stayed. A small ray of hope surged through her. But would they leave her too? Rey tried to swallow her pain and dread as she made her way to the nearest one. When she reached for them with a trembling hand, the person spun to face her.

Rey had just enough time to snatch her hand back before the jaws of a ripper-raptor closed around her. She was sent sprawling in fear and shock. The grit of burning sand bit into her backside and hands. The reptile hung before her, its dark wings glossy in the harsh sun. Rey heard a series of horrible screeches and jerked her head toward the sounds. Where once people stood, more ripper-raptors hovered.

They flew to circle her, and she couldn't keep track of them. They leered down at her with hungry eyes, their razor sharp beaks clicking with the promise of pain. Her attention was drawn to one in particular whose mouth already glistened red with blood. Rey felt helpless at her nakedness and vulnerability. A full-body paralysis rooted her to the spot, and her chest wouldn't expand to take in air. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't protect herself. Terror took over. She tasted blood and sand as bile rose in her throat.

When the first one dove, she couldn't even bury her head in her arms. The ripper-raptor's beak sliced through the little meat that remained of her right shoulder. As it tore away a chunk of flesh, Rey tried to scream in pain. But her lungs refused to inflate, and the shrieks of the descending beasts filled her ears. Their teeth and claws carved away skin, muscle, and sinew. Her body was tugged, pulled, and shredded in every direction. Each successive attack ripped another piece from her. Rey could only watch it happen until the mutilation became too much for her to bear. She closed her eyes to the violence before somehow drawing her jaw into a neverending scream of voiceless torture. She was filled with mind-numbing horror. They were going to kill her. They would consume every bit of flesh she had to offer until nothing remained. She would be nothing.

"Rey."

All at once, the beaks and screeches vanished. A cooling hand rested on her shoulder. There was the promise of safety, caring, and healing in its touch.

"You're safe. It's okay." The voice was deep and had a soothing quality that broke through her fear and pain. It belonged to a man that Rey was sure she knew. She felt an inexplicable stab of sorrow. He was important to her, but she couldn't remember who he was. His hand squeezed her shoulder with a gentleness that Rey had never experienced before. "You don't have to be afraid anymore." She could feel the reassurance and tenderness of his words seeping into her body.

Rey covered his hand with her own. She could move again. Her ribboned flesh wept blood as an audible cry fell from her lips. The sound of her own voice was both relieving and desolating. It was just as weak and insubstantial as the rest of her. Rey felt as if a gust of wind would blow her across the endless desert. The ripper-raptors had taken so much of her. Terrified that she'd disintegrate and float away without him, she grasped the man's hand. She needed him to not let go. She needed him to stay with her. She needed him.

As if in response to her fears, he sat behind her in the sand. His bare legs splayed to either side of hers as he wrapped his arms around her gaunt chest. Rey felt the press of his naked torso against her back. The man pulled her into a secure embrace, his cheek resting against the top of her head. Rey choked at the feel of his skin flush with hers. It was a salve on her raw exposed soul. His body cooled her burned and lacerated flesh and shielded her from the unforgiving elements. She felt sheltered and protected for the first time in her life. Her eyes closed as the faintest whimper escaped. She'd never known such security and comfort.

"You deserve the care of others. You deserve someone who'll stay." His compassionate voice reverberated through her with firm resolution."You're not unworthy of it."

But Rey just shook her head as tears spilled forth. Dismayed, she pushed against his claims. She was nothing. She was nobody. Anyone who stayed would only be temporary. She wasn't someone that people stuck around for. If they did, it was only to use her. Rey's only worth was in what could be taken from her. It was a lesson she knew well, and nothing in her life had proven it false. As the truth tore into her, she felt the man's disagreement. It was emphatic in both its conviction and sadness. He hadn't spoken, but she understood him as if he had.

[[You're not nothing. People might belittle you and hurt you and cast you aside. But you have worth, and they can't take that from you.]] Rey felt the man's powerful intent as he projected an image into her mind. She saw a confident woman standing proud and tall. She was a tenacious survivor who had taught herself to fight, to fly, to fix broken things. She was compassionate and found the good in others. She was hopeful.

But although they looked alike, Rey couldn't recognize herself in this woman. The things the man wanted her to notice weren't strengths or assets as he portrayed them to be. They were the means by which others had taken advantage, weak points in which they could pick away at her. She was alone and starving and lacking for so much because of them.

Rey lost herself to her misery again until she felt the man's tears dampen her hair. Something cool and soothing flowed from him to her. Her mutilated flesh stitched together. She felt more substantial, her body losing the angular lines of malnourishment. But the ethereal balm he emanated wasn't just corporeal. It wrapped around her soul promising something she never thought she'd find. It was Home.

It was a warm bed and a roof overhead. It was permanence and a safe place to stay. It was the crinkled eyes of laughter and the creased frowns of sorrow. It was shared victories and shared pains. It was questions asked and concerns expressed. It was the reassurance of a gentle squeeze and the encouragement of a tender smile. It was the commitment to care and the comfort of being cared for in turn. It was late night conversations and the intimacy of knowing and being known. It was acceptance without the fear of shame or judgement. It was the security of not just feeling safe but belonging. It was a promise to heal the wounds left by a lifetime of solitude. It was a person and not a place.

It was everything Rey ever wanted but could never have. For so long, she'd been ignored, demeaned, and cast aside as unwanted. She had no one to call her own. No one to share her deepest fears and desires with. No one to accept her for being Just Rey. But the man who sat with her pledged all these things and more. He promised a future.

[[I'm staying with you. You'll always have a home with me.]]

Rey almost choked on the pure devotion that emanated from him. It wasn't something that was born of give and take. Though she sensed his intense and hopeful desire, she understood that he wanted things for her too: Safety, caring, happiness, and belonging. The cloak of these pledges and oaths wrapped around her as secure as the man's embrace.

A monumental fissure cracked through a fortification she'd held in place for so long. It crumbled, exposing her fears and wants to the man that held her. She felt a nakedness that had nothing to do with her lack of clothing. Rey tensed at his surprise. She waited, terrified of how he would react to the things she guarded so close. She could feel the man examine these things with a delicateness that bordered on reverence. Rey scrutinized them too. She saw her flaws and inadequacies. She saw her loneliness and desperate want for comfort and intimacy. She saw a pathetic and needy woman, and utter embarrassment consumed her.

She felt the gentlest rebuke. The man didn't judge her. Instead, he embraced these things with a profound acceptance and understanding that Rey could feel in some integral part of her being. It was devastating in the way they dismantled long-held beliefs and fears. Though they'd choked her for so many years, she felt the grip of these loosen until they slipped away altogether.

Unsupported by the doubts and lies she'd told herself, the crumbling walls of the citadel she built finally fell. Rey wept as she allowed herself to trust the man and have hope in the promises he made. Her nails dug into his forearms in a desperate plea to never let her go. He held her tighter as his own tears soaked into her hair. Rey could feel his relief as intensely as her own, and she no longer noticed the aching hollowness that had starved her for so long.

But when she felt him slipping away, the familiar panic and dread ripped open the gaping void.

"No, don't go! Don't leave me!" Rey clutched at the arms that unwound from her body as she begged him to stay.

The man radiated a confusing mixture of hope, kindness, and regret. [[I'm not going anywhere, Rey.]] It was so powerful, she almost believed it. But she was suddenly alone in the desert. The man was gone. He'd left her just like everyone else. Rey felt as if she had been cast out from a home she never had. Her heart echoed with resounding emptiness as she cried in the sand.

/ / /

Rey woke with tears on her face and a hollow feeling in her chest. She whimpered and curled further in on herself. The pang of loneliness stabbed sharper than it ever had before. Her face twisted with despair as it ate at her. The man from her dream was gone, and she felt a profound lacking left by his absence.

Ben.

In her distress, she didn't know why she thought of him. When she felt a subtle vibration in the Force, Ben's agitation was the first thing she noticed. Then she felt him at her back. Rey tensed, her breath catching in her throat. Ben didn't move. He didn't acknowledge her presence in the bond. His body scarcely touched her own, but she was aware of every point of contact through the thin fabric of her clothing. Despite his stillness, he was awake. The warm expanse of his chest just managed to skim her back as he took in quick gulping breaths that puffed against her bare neck. Rey somehow contained a shiver. She swallowed thickly as she stared at the wall in front of her. She didn't know what to do. She was afraid to move, afraid of shattering whatever this delicate thing was that existed between them in that moment.

In the silence they both refused to break, Ben's breathing eventually slowed. She felt his tension leaving the bond, and Rey exhaled and began to relax in turn. She closed her eyes and let her mind float to where he lay in the cargo hold. He emanated something she never thought she'd feel from him: tranquility. A wave of relief washed over her. She wasn't sure what had changed over the past several hours, but his current emotional state was a welcome one. She let his peace engulf her, warm and inviting. It soothed some of the anxiety and pain that took hold of her after she'd awoken. Something tugged at the back of her mind as if to draw her attention. It reveled at the rightness of Ben at her back. In her relief, Rey couldn't help but agree. She sighed and involuntarily shifted, pressing herself against his chest. She was reminded of the man from her dream. For a moment, the hollowness she'd felt at his departure was nonexistent.

Until she felt an abrupt emotional spike from Ben and [vehemence, disgust] crashed into her.

The connection ended. Rey's eyes snapped open in shock and hurt. She had enough forethought to shield her side of the bond before her face twisted in pain. She'd never felt such strong denial from him before. His rejection left her feeling crushed. Unwanted. She tried to take steadying breaths, but they did nothing to alleviate the scathing contempt she'd felt from him. A few tears burned their way down her face as she pressed her forehead against the durasteel floor.

What am I doing? She was only hurting herself by being there. It was clear he didn't want her around. She was a means to an end for the Resistance to get the information they needed. Rey remembered his acknowledgement of that very fact the previous night. But more importantly, she knew she wasn't what Ben needed in the crisis he was facing. She wasn't helping him with himself. He wanted to end his own life, and she was doing far more harm than good.

The weight of guilt settled over her again at the anguish and shame she'd caused with her words outside the cockpit and the cargo hold. Rey still didn't know what she should've done, but she couldn't help but feel she was always saying the wrong thing. She was lost and terribly unequipped for the extent of the pain he was feeling. Though he'd kept his promise not to do anything, Rey feared she was inadvertently pushing him further down the path.

For a time, she allowed her doubts and worry and pain to feed on each other. She never lowered her side of the barrier for fear that her feelings would infect Ben too. When she couldn't bear to indulge them anymore, Rey took several steadying breaths and tried to gather herself enough to return to her task. She picked up the hydrospanner and reached for the inaccessible panel as she tried to ignore an intense heaviness that built in her chest.

A couple hours later, Rey found herself at the engineering station outside the rear cargo hold. She performed a perfunctory analysis of the screen as her mind refused to focus on the maintenance she'd just completed. After several attempts, she finally managed to complete the systems check.

Rey sighed and turned into the corridor just outside the hold where Ben lay. She stopped in front of the hatch as she absentmindedly wiped her hands on a greasy cloth. She let her mind wander to the feel of his chest against her back. She closed her eyes in dismay at the loss of that quiet intimate moment.

There was much that she lacked on Jakku: food, water, adequate shelter. But one thing she could never remember experiencing was the touch of another person outside of the rough shoves she sometimes received at the Outpost. Not until Finn grabbed her hand on that fateful day. Rey remembered that moment vividly, the shock and anger she felt that he dared touch her without permission. Little did she realize how much she would come to relish the feel of his hugs.

Her brows knit together. How long had it been since she'd been touched by another person? Seven months? Maybe longer. She couldn't remember. It must've been the last time she saw Finn before he left on his mission. Rey felt the familiar and unwarranted sting. Even though she knew the importance of his work, she couldn't help but feel it like another abandonment. She told herself over and over that it was nonsensical selfishness, but she couldn't avoid the weight that settled in her chest whenever she thought of his absence.

Since his departure, she just hadn't allowed herself the comfort of physical contact with anyone else. Thinking about it now, she didn't know why. When she thought of the idea of letting someone like Rose or Leia or Chewie in, she felt an urge to push away that mingled with an absurd panic she didn't understand. With a twist in her gut, Rey was sure something must be wrong with her. She longed for the physical and emotional connections that could bring her closer to others, but she could never bring herself to seek them out. Her heart lanced with pain as she felt in the Force for Ben's presence on the other side of the hatch.

She didn't know what compelled her to do it, but she projected [sadness, yearning, want] into the bond. As soon as it slipped through, she was immediately mortified. She pled with the Force to retract her foolish sentiments. Rey stood in tense anticipation of how Ben would react. But the moment passed, and there was no indication he was aware of what she'd telegraphed. Shaky, Rey breathed when she realized he must be asleep. She felt a confusing mixture of relief and sadness.

She turned to walk away when [affinity, agreement] trickled through the bond followed immediately by a quickfire spasm of [restraint, want, nervousness, entreaty, embarrassment].

Rey stared at the hatch as her heart beat a frantic rhythm in her chest.

CW: Rey contemplates her concerns and anxieties over Ben's admission that he's wanted to kill himself.

CW: Terror in a nightmare. Rey experiences a situation where she can't move or breathe, and she feels helpless.

CW: The violence in Rey's dream could be horrifying for some. She is attacked by wild animals and can't defend herself. Though not graphically detailed, actions and injuries are described.

CW: Rey has several moments of overwhelming despair at her own loneliness and perceived rejection from others.

In the next chapter, Ben struggles to find his way through the dark. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you're all enjoying the story so far! Comments and feedback are always appreciated :)