A/N-Certain moments from this chapter were the very first images and ideas I had for this story (more details in the notes at the end). I loved fleshing out the things that ultimately inspired this entire fic. It makes me really proud and happy to see the thousands of words I've written all because one particular idea just kept tugging at my heart :)

As a reminder, warnings are listed at the end of the chapter if needed.

[aversion]

Ben yanked his hand away with such abhorrence that Rey's elation vanished as quickly as it appeared. Her heart plummeted to her stomach, and an immense chasm grew in its absence. A pressure that had built over the last few days, over a lifetime, couldn't be contained anymore. The all too familiar anxiety ripped into her and wouldn't let go.

She'd feared what another rejection would do to her. She was right to. It was agonizing. She felt sick. She could've screamed. She wanted to. She knew this would happen. Why did she keep allowing hope to trick her? Why couldn't she learn the lesson? No one would ever want her. He didn't want her either. He was sickened by her. He couldn't stand to be near her. But why did he reach out? Was it because of what she did on the Supremacy? Was it retaliation? Was it to hurt her? She couldn't understand. Why was he doing this? It was cruel. How could he not know how much he was hurting her? He was striking her with repeated blows. She just couldn't take the hits anymore.

Her misery was mirrored on Ben's face, and it only heightened her pain and confusion.

[understanding, despondency, entreaty] "No, that wasn't-"

Rey shot to her feet and turned away from Ben. She couldn't bear for him to see the heartache she felt. The hollow in her chest widened more and more. She could only teeter on the edge as it threatened to swallow her. She was such a fool. He was hurting her, but some masochistic part of her was terrified. He's going to leave you. Just like everyone else. But it was worse because it was Ben. Why? Why did his rejection hurt so much more than the others? She tried to tell herself it didn't matter. It didn't matter because she was used to people not wanting her. She was used to being something that was cast off. She was used to people leaving. But with Ben… A part of her felt as if it were ripping in two, and she didn't understand why.

"Rey." [guilt, apology] She closed her eyes, and a few tears slid down her cheeks. She just couldn't do it. Rey turned to face him, and the hurt and uncertainty spilled out.

"What do you want, Ben?" She didn't try to hide the pain in her voice. "I just... I don't understand what this is. I don't understand what you want from me, and it's really… really hurting me." The words caught in her throat. Ben looked up at her with so much anguish on his face. It flooded the bond and intensified her own. Her heart clenched in the feedback loop, and guilt consumed her. Her reaction to his rejection was overblown. It felt silly and small. She knew she was being selfish and self-absorbed at a moment when Ben was dealing with so much. She knew it wasn't fair. The demands and fears she leveled at him were surely detrimental to the delicate balance he was walking. But Rey couldn't suppress them anymore. She wobbled on her own tightrope, and every rejection from him shook the line with more force than the last.

"You want me around, and then you don't. You pull me in only to push me away. Why?" Her voice quivered and broke. Rey felt unbalanced. One more push and she just might fall and shatter. Ben looked lost, the struggle evident on his face. She knew how hard it was for him to put thoughts to words. His hand flexed in agitation, and his eyes screamed at her.

But they weren't speaking the same language. "Just… please," Rey begged. "Tell me what you want." [anguish, entreaty]

His hands were only a few inches away from her when the inevitable wave of disgust hit. Ben berated himself for reaching out. He should have tamped down the urge. But in the blinding elation of Rey's happiness and his newfound hope, it was an instinct he wanted to follow. He wanted to hold her, to be held by her. But he should've remembered the defect Snoke gave him. For the briefest of moments, Ben believed himself to be whole and free. It was one thing to think he had the resolve to shake off his master's influence. It was another to face the reality that he still didn't hold full control over his own body and mind.

His heart fell. Rey was so close and yet so far away. He'd been starved for touch for so long, he wanted nothing more than to connect with the woman who cared enough to stay and fight for him. But it was foolish of him to forget that he was only half a man. He could no longer enjoy the physical pleasure of another person. With reproach, he knew he read too far into her compassion and caring anyway. Those things didn't equate to her wanting him near her.

Ben pulled himself from his own mind when Rey's face twisted with despair. He could feel her intense anguish. Confusion grew into concern. He didn't understand what was wrong. Ben was reminded of the all-too-similar moment on the boarding ramp. Was it something that traversed the bond again without him realizing? He was so overwhelmed by his own thoughts and emotions, he found it difficult to know what might have gone through. Ben racked his brain in an attempt to understand if he was to blame. But all he could remember was an all-consuming revulsion. It took his entire attention and willpower to push it away. Too late, he realized the implication of the sentiments that must've passed to her. His stomach lurched when he grasped the meaning of the intense pain in her eyes.

"No, that wasn't-!"

But she walked away from him, and Ben wanted to scream. He wanted to break something. He wanted to rage against the Force for allowing his previous master to warp him into the mangled being that he was. But as he thought of giving into his impulsive anger again, he only felt tired. His fury dulled his mind, and it didn't address the root problem. It never did. Right now, he needed a clear head. He leveled his breathing and kept a tight hold on the sliver of calm that had been his link to sanity over the past several months. The haze of rage dissipated, but despondency replaced it.

How could he explain the damage Snoke did to him? Ben didn't understand it himself. He couldn't organize his thoughts, and he didn't know how to make her see that his inability to tolerate touch had nothing to do with her. But it didn't make sense, and he couldn't understand the cause. Snoke had only ever been a whisper in his head, an occasional hand on his cheek. Ben's disgust was disproportionate and unwarranted. He had no right to feel the way he did. How could he communicate to her such an irrational revulsion?

He felt so guilty. This was his problem, and it was affecting Rey now too. His screwed up mind was hurting her, and it wasn't right. It wasn't fair for her to suffer his misplaced disgust. He needed her to understand. But his mind floundered, and he didn't know what to say. The wires in his head were mismatched and didn't connect properly. Touch shouldn't cause revulsion. He was ashamed. He wasn't normal. People weren't supposed to have his kind of affliction. He was deformed and defective and broken and-

"What do you want, Ben?" His heart fell at her tear-streaked face. He didn't know what he was allowed to want. It was selfish of him to want. To want was to subject her to misery. He hated himself for the pain he was already causing her. Her distress saturated the bond, and it tore him apart that she was hurting because-

The storm of circling thoughts disintegrated, and his mind was a blank void. Ben felt lost and didn't understand. She was upset… because he pushed her away? It didn't make sense. He searched Rey's pained face for the clarity he needed. He must've misunderstood…

… But what if you didn't? Ben's heart caught in his throat as the fire of hope burned brighter in his chest.

"Just… please. Tell me what you want." Ben's mind teetered on the edge of something important. I want… It took so much effort to block it out, to deny its relevance. I want… He was tired of fighting it. Tired of denying what had nagged at his soul for so long. I want… It was an ache, a desire, a yearning. A need. I need…

you.

When he didn't answer her, Rey's worst fears were given the weight of truth. He didn't want her. No one wanted her. She was nothing. He said so himself. She let him see some of the hidden things she was too afraid to show openly, and he rejected her. She should've already learned the lesson, but she ignored it for foolish hope: No one wanted abandoned things. She wasn't cast aside her entire life for no reason. She was worthless. Inadequate. She was inferior and low and didn't merit care or sympathy. Her parents, Luke, Finn, Ben. She wasn't worthy of them. And for that, everyone left her in the end.

Rey was overwhelmed by the dismay in her heart. She needed to get away from him. She needed to run as far as possible. Her body operated on its own accord as she turned her back on Ben. The hatch opened in front of her.

"No," [need] "don't go." The desperation of his voice broke through the haze of her anxieties. It had the tug of a physical force, and something inside pleaded for her to stay. Rey hung her head as she gripped the hatchway for support. The metal bit into her palm as she tried to calm her mind enough to face him. Fresh tears spilled forth before she turned to Ben. Please don't hurt me again. You have no idea what this is doing to me. She wanted to say these things, but her tongue and throat were too thick.

Ben looked so distraught. He was at war with himself, his conflict clear in the bond. He was in pain, and she'd almost abandoned him. Again. She was doing what she hated, what she feared others would do to her. She swallowed against the self-reproach.

[uncertainty] "I'm sorry, I'm just-" Ben ground his fist into the crate he sat upon. His fear was palpable. He stared at Rey as if willing her to read the thoughts in his head. But she couldn't. [despair] He sighed and hung his head in his hand.

Rey was overcome with indecision. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to help him. She didn't know what he wanted. She didn't know how to avoid being hurt.

I need you.

He'd never allowed himself such a thought before. He never believed he could even entertain the idea, let alone admit it to himself. He needed Rey. In his life of conflict, it was a certainty he felt with unshakable conviction. It was right and proper, and something at the very core of him sang in agreement.

But before he could even begin to understand the significance of the feeling or how to convey it, Rey bolted for the hatch. Ben rose halfway to his feet as his entire being yearned to pull her back. He couldn't let her leave. He had to tell her. He had to. For reasons he didn't understand, she seemed to want him in her life. He couldn't let Rey slip away, not when the chance of her staying with him was somehow within reach. But when she turned her pained eyes to his, Ben's nerve failed him. A heavy weight settled over his body, and he collapsed against the crate again. He didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry, I'm just-" afraid. He was terrified of losing her. But he remembered her rejection from the throne room, and his confidence dwindled even more. He'd exposed his heart and made it vulnerable only for her to turn him down. He knew now that she was right to do so, but it didn't take away the pain he felt. He was afraid to remove his heart from its protective cage and offer it to her again. He didn't want to experience the crush of another refusal. He didn't want to be hurt.

Tell her! Tell her, you coward!

But he couldn't. He couldn't because he didn't want to hurt her either. An overwhelming despair took hold, and Ben's chest felt as if it would cave in under its weight. His mind and body weren't his own. They belonged to a master that controlled him even in death, and he couldn't explain this to her because it just didn't make sense. Even if he could, he wouldn't subject Rey with the burden of a man who could never be fully present with her. If she actually wanted him, she deserved more than what he could ever give her.

He wanted to cry. He was on the cusp of having what he wanted and needed, but he couldn't stand the thought of either of them getting hurt because of it. He hated having a new hope and desire only to have them crushed and destroyed by his defects.

The Force never destined him for even simple happiness.

Go to him.

It was such a small voice. It struggled to fight against the doubts in her head, but it was a powerful thing. There was a certainty to it that Rey didn't feel herself. It came from a place beyond fear and the pain of rejection. As she watched Ben's lonely struggle, she gave the thought a tentative tug. Rey leaned into it as if testing its ability to suspend her over the void. It held firm and sure. She was afraid of what would happen if she fell, but she wanted to trust it. She wanted to hope.

Rey bit her lip and returned to where Ben sat. His despondence seemed to weigh down his entire body. His hand still propped up his forehead, and he wouldn't meet her eyes. Rey swallowed against her fear. She didn't know if she was doing the right thing, but she gathered strength from that little voice. Her heart pounded in her ears as she reached out to him. At the last moment, Rey hesitated to bridge the final few inches that separated them. She wanted him to feel comfortable. She wanted to give him the choice to back away.

But she didn't know how to say such a thing. Words suddenly seemed too clunky and awkward for what she wanted to ask. Or maybe she was too afraid to put voice to a question whose answer had the potential to crush her. She thought of Ben's struggle for words, and she realized what she needed to do.

[inquiry, intimacy, safety, assurance] His body stiffened as her intention hung heavy in the bond. Neither of them moved. The cargo hold was too silent, and the sound of her breathing was too loud. She felt the fear of rejection building as her hands trembled above him.

Then [acceptance].

Rey closed the gap and rested her hands on his bare shoulders.

Ben felt a sudden jolt of intensity at her touch. He heard Rey's sharp gasp as the same feeling passed through her. He couldn't believe it. It wasn't possible. She reached out to him. She wanted to touch him. He could feel her nervousness, but she wanted to be near him. She wanted him to feel safe. The sentiments were genuine. They weren't begrudging, and they weren't hesitant.

Ben couldn't remember the last time someone seemed to care about whether or not he felt comfortable. He couldn't remember the last time someone seemed to take his feelings into account. It was suddenly too difficult to breathe as something heavy built in his chest. The fire of hope burned bright and brilliant in the dark. Tears fell, and he didn't know what to think. Some potent emotion grew inside him, and he felt a powerful urge to reach out. She was so close. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to feel her warm skin against his. He wanted-

The familiar panic began to set in. His skin crawled. Bile rose-

No.

Ben ground his jaw as intense resolve flared inside him. Not with wouldn't push Rey away. He didn't want to. He wouldn't let Snoke poison his wants and desires. He'd already tainted so much. Ben wouldn't let him corrupt this too. He didn't get to dictate how he chose to feel about the people and things in his life. Not anymore. He'd be damned if he let that monster take a single thing from him ever again.

Ben inhaled through his nose and took a step back from his own mind. He concentrated on Rey and only Rey. The harmony of their breathing filled the cargo hold. Her body smelled of engine grease and something floral. The exposed skin of her bare torso filled his field of view. Nausea rolled through his stomach.

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Focus. He's not in your head, and he's not in this room. He was with Rey and only Rey. The entirety of his attention centered on the feel of her hands. They were a contradiction, both calloused and soft at the same time. Physical heat seeped from her to him. Her touch, her warmth, her gentleness. The feel of her skin and what it conveyed were the antithesis of Snoke. He was with Rey and only Rey. The thought grounded him to the moment. Ben took in deep measured breaths as he let go of everything else in his head. Each lungful of air weakened the hold panic and revulsion had on his mind and body, and Snoke's corrupting influence began to recede with them.

The tension in Ben's body relaxed under her touch. It was just the two of them in the refuge of a small space that existed outside the confines of time and the universe. He could feel something powerful flowing from her to him and back again. Quite unlike the crackling electricity of her initial touch, it was a gentle fire that caressed every hidden corner of his body and soul. He exhaled and let it envelop him. There was Rey and only Rey. The feel of her skin against his was calming, safe. Pleasurable.

Ben's eyes sprang open in surprise, and he stifled a small cry of sheer joy with a trembling hand. His vision grew blurry as he shook with relief at the untainted sensation of her touch. Snoke's damage wasn't permanent. It was possible to take back the things he'd stolen. Ben felt unshackled and free. He was the master of his own body and mind. No one else.

He sensed Rey's powerful elation in response to his. He let her feelings wash through him, and they just intensified his own. Their mirrored emotions were intoxicating. His mind was heady and abuzz with the way they managed to push against his fears and hesitation. He felt a sudden courage, and he wanted to act on it. He just didn't know how.

Ben knew what he wanted to do, but he couldn't form the words to ask. He was overwhelmed by the complicated feelings in his heart, and the thoughts in his head were too disordered for him to communicate. So he let his emotions speak for him again.

[want, intention, inquiry, intimacy] Rey's shock swept through the bond as her hands tightened on his shoulders. The unspoken question was like a physical weight in the air. Their connection buzzed with a crackling energy that made the hair on his arms stand on end. Ben awaited her reply with an anxiousness that made him aware of her every movement and breath.

The silence seemed to stretch too long until [want] "Yes." Her faint whisper cracked like ice after a thaw.

Ben closed his eyes with a sigh of relief. He leaned his forehead against the bare skin just above her chest bindings, and he heard and felt Rey's breath catch. Tears slid down his face as he projected a complex tangle of [gratitude, apology, happiness, pleasure]. Ben's thought process began to shut down, and his disordered thoughts quieted. All his brain could register was the nearness of Rey. The radiating heat of her body so close to his, the light scent that pervaded her skin and clothes, the sound and swiftness of her chest rising and falling a mere breath away. It all filled his head. Ben felt a sudden understanding for the magnitude of what he'd lacked, and a desperate desire for "more" overwhelmed him. He needed to feel more of her, he needed to have the physical connection he'd been deprived of for too long.

His arms circled, and he pulled her tight against him. At the increased contact, an intense pressure built in his chest until a sob broke free. Her skin was the most reassuring thing he'd felt in years. He gave up seeking this kind of comfort decades ago, and Ben was baffled and dismayed as to why. He turned to press his cheek into the space between her breasts. As the rapid but comforting thump of her heartbeat resounded in his head, Ben felt a desperate confirmation: He needed Rey. He needed her warmth. He needed her understanding and kindness. He needed her in his life.

Rey should've felt self-conscious at the sudden intimacy, but she didn't. She only experienced overwhelming relief. It was as if some long-neglected need was finally being met, and it felt like the reprieve of rain following a sustained drought.

Something in her throat fought to free itself, and a small and desperate sound escaped. Rey gripped the muscle of his shoulders with frightening strength as she shut her eyes and focused on the feel of him against her. The comfort was almost a physical pain. His chest and face were flush with her body. His soft hair tickled her chest. His warm breath ghosted across her skin. The heat of his arms seeped into her back and sides. She was wrapped in Ben. The symphony of physical sensations was euphoric, and the headiness of his yearning for her saturated the bond. Over it all, the Force flowed free and unabated between them. His energy seemed almost entirely indistinguishable from hers. She would've been in awe if not for the overwhelming feelings that had already hijacked her senses.

His touch and warmth were like a balm. She was reminded of the dream and the man that sheltered her in his arms. He'd made her feel safe and protected and wanted, and she experienced those same things in Ben's embrace. But Rey remembered the end of the dream, and a sudden fear gripped her. Despite his assurances, the man still left. Rey choked at the void that had grown inside her as she cried alone in the emptiness of that wasteland. Would Ben leave her too? The hollow feeling returned as a powerful anxiety built in her chest. She didn't want to lose the things she felt in his arms. She needed him to stay.

Rey felt so insecure and pitiful. She wanted Ben, but she shouldn't need him. She shouldn't need the physical comfort of someone else. It was superfluous, an unimportant luxury. It wasn't food or shelter or water. She didn't need it for survival. She'd gone her whole life without it. No, she definitely didn't need him. She didn't need him because she didn't need anybody. It was pathetic that she would need someone else. It was a detriment. It wasn't conducive to survival for her to depend on another person. Ben was a comfort and someone that she wanted. He wasn't a need.

But Rey's entire being responded to his touch in a way that implied otherwise, and it frightened her. The feel of his body against hers shouldn't undo her in such a devastating way. It shouldn't make her feel as if something were systematically pulling out the stitches that held her together. She tried to control the unraveling, but it was like grasping a handful of sand. She couldn't stop what spilled out and into the open.

Rey was crying, and she didn't understand why. She didn't need Ben. She didn't. So why did it feel like her heart was strangled and starved for oxygen? Why did it feel like her chest couldn't expand under some unbearable weight? Why was it so difficult to breathe?

Something large and complicated build in the bond. Ben's arms tightened more, and he clung to her as if he were the desperate one. As if he were afraid she'd be the one to leave. As if he needed her.

CW: Both Ben and Rey suffer from poor images of themselves. These opinions range from feeling inadequate to unworthy to broken.

CW: Ben struggles to overcome his aversion to touch. This ties into him feeling that Snoke still has control over his mind and body.

CW: Rey thinks of herself as "pathetic" because of her intense desire for physical contact with Ben. She thinks she's being silly or weak because of how emotionally-affected she is by this contact.

A/N-"Body" by SYML not only influenced this chapter, but it inspired the entire story. The song essentially became my emotional blueprint for Ben throughout this fic, and it impacted many of my thoughts on how he viewed himself in the wake of the revelation that he was "damaged" by Snoke. This story began as a simple oneshot about a touch-starved/touch averse Ben learning to find physical comfort in Rey. But then so many other ideas made their way in until it became something more complex. I have to say, I'm pretty happy this story spiraled so far out of control.

In the next chapter, Rey reflects on her past. Thank you all so much for continuing this story! Comments are definitely appreciated :)