A/N-This chapter delves into some of the rougher details of Rey's childhood and adolescence, and several things might be upsetting to some people. Strong content warnings (including violence) are listed. Please refer to them at the end of the chapter if needed.

Do you think he's going to stay for you? He's going to leave just like your parents, like Finn, like you did to him. Why would anyone stay for a worthless nothing like you? Your only value is what others can gain from you.

Rey went rigid. Her relief evaporated as the massive cavity expanded to engulf her chest.

"You're nothing."

Ben didn't actually want her. Not enough to care. Not enough to stay. A lifetime of experiences taught her that no one stayed. Not unless she had something they could take.

Ben's aching desire overwhelmed the bond. A sinking realization struck Rey with devastating implication. She stood frozen as his arms tightened their hold on her. He sighed with [want, pleasure] and pressed his body against her.

He's going to use you for his own gratification and discard you. What other reason is there for him to suddenly want you? There's only one thing he could possibly want. Rey remembered the empty-eyed women and girls, men and boys, that were traded like currency at the Outpost. People took what they wanted until they dwindled to nothing. Rey didn't want that. She didn't want to be used up. She was already nothing. She had nothing.

Don't be naive. There's always something that can be taken from you. Anxiety and dismay bared their teeth. Rey tried to hold them off, but they sidestepped her defenses and rushed in to disembowel her. They ripped at something vulnerable and unprotected inside, and she couldn't stop them.

Ben's powerful body crushed her against him. He was so much bigger than her. She couldn't move the way she needed to. She couldn't breathe the way she needed to. She was too small, too ineffective, too weak. The taste of blood and sand saturated her tongue. She felt trapped. She felt helpless. Rey couldn't understand where the feelings came from, but her body didn't care about things like "cause." She just knew she needed to protect herself from the pain that would inevitably come. She needed control. She needed to be free.

Rey ran. She didn't know where she was going, but Ben's words chased her through the corridors of the ship.

"You're nothing."

It repeated in a cruel loop. With each successive reminder of his true feelings for her, Rey's chest grew heavier, and more tears clouded her vision.

While her feet sped to put distance between them, her mind was a conflicted tangle of fears and wants. She was afraid that Ben would use and throw her away like everyone else. Yet something urged her that this wasn't true. It wanted her to see something, but she was too blinded by her panic and inadequacies to listen to what it had to say. The thing inside her that felt an intense intimacy with Ben on Ahch-To wept at the wrongness of it all.

Rey wanted him. She wanted to experience that connection with him again. Why was she running away? She didn't understand why her body fought against what she felt in her soul. Rey despaired. She was rejecting him, but she didn't want to. She willed herself to return to the cargo hold. She willed herself to return to his arms, to feel the reassurance of his embrace. But the panic coursing through her refused to heed her wants and desires. It drove Rey forward with relentless disregard for the feelings of her heart.

But the ship was too small, and she had nowhere to go. With no physical escape to drive her, Rey's thoughts turned inward. Her feet wouldn't carry her any further as she slowed to a stop with her head in her hands. She wasn't conscious of where she was, and she didn't care. She couldn't reconcile the dissonance of her own body and mind. She felt the grave defect of her conflict like a tear in her soul. Why was she doing this to herself? What's wrong with me?!

Rey's body heaved as cries of abject despair broke from her chest. Her heart thrashed in an attempt to rip itself from her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't ignore the truths that life relentlessly hammered into her: Rey was nothing. She was nobody. She was just a dirty scavenger from a dirty backwater world. She had no worth beyond what people could take from her. People will always take from her until she's used up and there's nothing left. They will always pick her clean like ripper-raptors devouring a carcass. Why would Ben be any different?

Rey's sobs tore the air from her lungs. He wouldn't be. He'd take advantage of her just like everyone else. Because life was cruel, and people were crueler.

/ / /

Rey collected her daily water ration from the Outpost. As she filled the canteen in her shaking hands, her body protested the insufficient nourishment it offered. Water could only fill so much of the hollow pit her stomach had become.

A week prior, she agreed to give much of her carefully hoarded portions to a woman with a sick daughter. She'd pled with tears in her eyes. Rey's heart hurt at the thought of how distraught her own mother would be if she were sick. She couldn't bear to see the woman suffer. They agreed to meet daily to split the rations she'd earned the previous day. It didn't leave Rey with much, but she wanted to help in any way she could.

Her pockets were empty after sharing another day's earnings, but Rey's heart felt light too. She might be going hungry, but her portions were going to a young girl who needed it more than her. That was worth it. The woman said her daughter was about the same age as Rey. Maybe they could be friends after she got better. That'd be nice. Rey never had a friend before. She smiled at the idea and forgot her hunger.

Walking through the outskirts, she heard a familiar voice while passing a cantina. She stopped when she recognized it as the woman who'd asked for help. Focusing her attention on its source, she found the woman at the bar with a couple drinks in front of her. She took a swig of the oily liquor before laughing at the man next to her.

"I swear, I don't know how kids like that survive. It was the most transparent sob story I've ever tried, but she ate it up!"

The man chuckled into his drink before leaning toward the woman with a conspiratorial grin. "So what's her name?"

The woman snorted. "I don't know. She's just some dumb naive girl. Why do you ask?"

"A businessman always keeps his eyes open for potential merchandise. Even better if they're the naive type. You're gonna drain her dry soon enough." He took a pull from his drink before spreading his hands. "Maybe I just happen to be the solution to her survival when she finds herself at that point."

The woman shrugged. "Well, it won't be long before she either wises up or starves." She raised her glass in a mock toast. "To the stupid and easy-to-fool. May they feed the rest of us."

Their laughter chased Rey as she hurried away, her face burning with shame. She cried herself to sleep that night as she etched the faces of the man and woman into her memory. She promised herself she'd never let another person use her the way the woman did. She promised never to be desperate enough for food that she'd accept help from someone else. She couldn't guarantee they wouldn't be like the man at the bar.

She made these promises while her empty stomach gnawed in objection.

/ / /

Rey strode to Unkar Plutt's stand with pride and accomplishment in her heart. It had taken her months of hard work. Months of depriving herself of food. Months of stress trying to hide everything from the predatory eyes of other scavengers. But it was all worth it. The ship she fixed would fetch a large number of portions. Even though she would split the earnings with Devi and Strunk, Rey would have enough that she'd never need to worry about her next meal ever again.

She felt a pang of guilt at having mistrusted the two when they discovered her work about a month ago. But she knew they were hungry just like her. She couldn't fault them for wanting to get involved. In any case, they'd shown their trustworthiness since they found out about the ship. They protected it at night from potential thieves. And without their help, it would've been some time before she found a suitable hyperdrive in working order. Rey smiled. It felt good to be able to trust someone else. When she reached Unkar Plutt, not even the Crolute's signature look of displeasure could dampen her happiness.

She folded her hands on his stand. "I have very valuable salvage to trade." Rey smiled with smug confidence. Why shouldn't she? She'd done the hard work, and she finally got to reap the rewards.

But when she heard the roar of a ship's engines, the grin fell from Rey's face and her stomach plummeted. She knew those engines. It was her ship, the Ghtroc 690. She rushed outside and looked up just in time to see it rising into the air. She watched in disbelief as the ship grew smaller and smaller. They tricked her. Devi and Strunk were her friends, and they tricked her. They used her for her skills and hard-earned parts. They took advantage of her months' of work and starvation. They took what they wanted and left her with nothing.

Her arms hung limp at her sides. She could no longer see the ship in the endless sky. Unkar's voice pulled her attention right back into the dirt.

"I see nothing of value here." Still shocked by the abrupt turn of events, Rey turned to look at him. He leaned back and crossed his arms over his broad chest. His haughty satisfaction was clear even from a distance.

/ / /

Unkar Plutt towered over her. He held all the power, and the look on his face made Rey sure that he was well aware of it. She'd spent months toiling in the corpses of ships to find the best salvage to make her case. She starved herself so she could stockpile parts in an attempt to present him with what she hoped would be an impressive show of her worth. She needed a bargaining chip to negotiate an increase in portions. But as Unkar examined and undervalued each part with the same contemptuous disregard he always held for her, Rey's heart sank. The sum total he offered amounted to only a quarter of what she expected.

Rey was indignant. "They're worth more than that, and you know it." She said it with less force than she intended. Her stomach ate at her from the inside, and she swayed unsteady on her feet. She was so hungry.

"These items are all subpar at best. My offer is more than generous." He glowered with disdain, but she saw the gleam of triumph in his eye. He had her trapped. Rey felt the familiar despair sinking in, but she refused to back down. It wasn't fair. She deserved more.

"I'm one of the best people you have. I'm good at what I do, and I should earn my fair share." Unkar didn't like that. His eyes turned to flint, and his voice dropped to a dangerous pitch.

"Your 'fair share?' You think you're any different from the others? You're a filthy desert rat just like everyone else. If I tell you to scurry through a ship, you'll be a good little rat and scurry. You'll bring me what you find, and I'll pay you what I see fit. You'll do this because it's either that or a less… desirable line of work." His eyes traveled down her gaunt body. "I can replace you just as easily as anyone else. You seem to have a grave misunderstanding of your worth."

He slammed down half of the portions he originally offered her. "Why do you think I got you so cheap?"

/ / /

She thought she'd trained enough with the quarterstaff to protect herself. She was wrong. After a lucky blow to the face of one of her attackers, she lost track of the other men. One grabbed her from behind, his thick arms pinning hers as they banded around her chest. Another yanked the weapon from her hands. Rey struggled to free herself, but the man's arms tightened further. She couldn't move the way she needed to. She couldn't breathe the way she needed to. As fear spiked through her, she kicked her legs up in an attempt to escape. Her flailing only threw the man off balance, and they both toppled forward.

He grunted a hot breath into her ear when his body fell on her. Rey bit her tongue from the impact, and she tasted blood. His weight pressed her face into the dirt as the air forced itself from her lungs. Rey instinctively inhaled, and she breathed nothing but sand. Pure terror overtook her, and she thrashed under him. She tried to take in air, but her chest wouldn't expand under his bulk. Blood and sand filled her mouth. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. He was so much bigger than her. She writhed as the man fought to keep her still. He panted as he struggled on top of her.

"Fucking bitch!" he growled in frustration. The man shifted, and she felt a momentary relief when his weight eased from her back. Her scalp burned as he yanked her head from the sand. She gasped for a breath that burned its way down her irritated throat. The man's fist connected with the side of her face, and Rey's body went limp as the hammer blow stunned her. Disoriented, her ears rang as a bone-deep pain blossomed from her jaw to her right cheek. The man threw her head back into the sand.

After a moment, she was vaguely aware that he no longer straddled her. Rey's eyes focused to see the three men sifting through the parts she'd spent days salvaging. A renewed anger burned in her chest. Not again. Not this time. Her quarterstaff lay not far from her. She grit her teeth and raised herself onto hands and knees. But a kick to her gut emptied the air from her chest and the strength from her limbs. She collapsed in the sand as she gulped soundlessly for a breath she couldn't take in. The men leered down at her with cruelty and malice in their eyes. She remembered their mouths. All hungry teeth and snarls. The man she struck in the face grinned bloody and menacing. They drew their boots back and struck with brutal force. They didn't stop this time.

Rey tried curling up to protect herself from their sharp kicks, but her body wouldn't obey her. She tried to cry out for help but couldn't. The air in her lungs never returned after the first boot struck her stomach. She no longer cared for the parts she would have fought to keep only a moment before. Her world was pain. It was all she could register, all she could focus on. Ribs snapped and broke. Cartilage gave way with little resistance. Warm rivulets of blood spilled forth from cracked dry skin that split so easily under the abuse of her attackers. Blind terror surmounted her pain, if only for a moment: They were going to kill her. Rey wanted to scream, she wanted it all to stop. Why wasn't anybody helping her?!

Her eyes pled silently with the bystanders that surrounded them. They showed no intention of getting involved. They watched the men beat her with bored expressions on their faces. In the mind-numbing haze of her pain and fear, she noticed that a few even smiled. This was entertainment. She was merely a diversion. She was beneath them, something that didn't merit sympathy. Why would anybody concern themselves with the troubles of prey? It wasn't the way of the world to care.

One of her assailants aimed a kick at her head. A bright flash of pain shot straight through to the back of her skull. The world spun off-kilter, and Rey retched blood and stomach bile onto their boots. The men jumped away uttering sounds of disgust. They looked down on her with revulsion. They dragged their shoes through the dirt to remove the foulness. She heard them say things things like "fucking gross," "nasty," "disgusting bitch."

She felt vile as sand stuck to the bloody vomit on her cheek and chin. She should've been more concerned about her injuries. She shouldn't have cared what the men thought. But they were sickened by her. They thought she was dirty and revolting. Rey felt an absurd embarrassment, and a thin dismayed sob managed to escape her breathless chest. The man she struck in the mouth added a final insult when he spat a gob of bloody saliva into her face. Rey could barely flinch with disgust.

Turning their backs, the men abandoned her broken body to retrieve her salvage. As they disappeared into the throng of people, the crowd returned to whatever business was interrupted when the assault began. As life at the Outpost resumed its usual activity, Rey lay as a bruised tangle of limp limbs wrapped in dirty cloth. She forced herself to relearn the act of breathing. But try as she might, she couldn't bring herself to her feet. She couldn't move. She couldn't even push away the hands that pilfered what little items of value she had left on her. Rey could only cry weakly as coarse sand found its way into her open wounds. Everything hurt. She watched the legs of countless people pass her by, and still no one helped. Nobody cared. She was nothing to them. Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

/ / /

Rey's cries caught in her throat as she stood in a vibrant green forest. Through her panic and pain, she experienced a sense of peace and wonder. But the feelings were ghostly and other; she knew they didn't belong to her. Bewilderment (her own) temporarily blocked the torment she'd been drowning in only a moment ago. Before she could examine the strangeness of the unexplained sentiments, her attention was drawn to the way her bare feet sank into cool moist earth. It had the complex smell of something rich, dark, and loamy. When she looked up, she was hypnotized by the swaying of the canopy above her. A lazy breeze blew through the trees. Their creaking mixed with the soft hoots of birds. With a fondness that wasn't her own, she thought of pripraks and preepnobs. Rey had never heard of such birds before. As she listened, something acidic and sweet danced on her tongue. The word "jogan" came to mind despite never having tasted the fruit.

After a moment, Rey became aware of a gentle pressure between her shoulder blades. It was soothing, warm. Grounding.

Rey's gaze focused, and the forest was replaced by the Millennium Falcon's dingy floor. The metal bit into her knees. Her eyes felt swollen, and she could barely draw breath through her constricted throat. Her heart beat an erratic rhythm in her chest. But her attention was drawn to the large warm palm on her back. Rey looked up to find Ben's other hand falling away from her forehead. He looked so distraught. Beaten. Guilty.

[safety, security]

The air caught in Ben's throat as Rey's fingers dug into his shoulders. She felt… safe with him? His heart swelled. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to feel. He was overcome by some powerful thing that thrummed in his chest. He wanted to be with her, but he didn't know in what way or how. All these things were too big to understand, too complicated for him to know what to do with. All Ben knew for certain was that he wanted to hold her. He wrapped his arms tighter and pressed himself against her. The expanse of her skin against his cheek, chest, and arms was soothing. He could lose himself in it. For a moment, he did.

[despair, panic]

Ben felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. The sentiments saturated the bond thicker than any he'd ever felt from her. Before he could steady himself or comprehend what had happened, Rey fought to push him away. Her nails bit into his skin as she scrambled to unwind his arms from her body. Alarmed and despondent, Ben released her without hesitation. He barely glimpsed Rey's look of utter dismay before she ran from him. As she did so, her side of the connection fell wide open. He felt pure unadulterated fear and anxiety.

In response, Ben's heart rate spiked and adrenaline dumped into his veins. He doubled over. He felt as if he were drowning. It was intolerable. If it weren't for the crate he sat upon, he would've collapsed to the floor. All conscious thought shut down. He forgot the world around him. The terror and panic almost consumed him entirely before a single thought struggled to the front of his mind. Rey. Ben grasped onto it. He fought to slow his breathing, to focus on the details around him. It was difficult but enough for his awareness of the present to return. Unfortunately, reason and doubts came with it.

This is your fault. She's feeling like this because of you. You're doing this to her. Despair overwhelmed Ben's was true. It couldn't be a coincidence. He'd reached out to her, and she pushed him away. Again. You'll only make it worse by going to her. He was paralyzed. Two conflicting fears warred within him, and he didn't know what to do.

Sheer calamity jarred the bond as cries of despair echoed from somewhere in the ship. Ben's heart stopped in his chest. That deep unknowable something that ached for Rey made itself known. It strained and fought with the blind panic of a caged animal. Ben forgot his uncertainty.

"Rey!" He shot to his feet and stumbled out of the cargo hold. Stopping in the corridor, he listened before running toward the sound of her sobs. As he rounded a bend, Ben was confronted with a sight that eviscerated him.

Rey knelt with her arms wrapped around her belly. She curled so far into herself, her forehead almost touched the floor. Her cries. He'd never seen such misery before. Her pain was agonizing, and her panic terrified him through the bond. Was this how she felt when he broke down outside the cockpit? What had he subjected her to? His guilt threatened to overwhelm him again, but Rey's distress grounded him to the moment. Tears ran down his own face as his pain mingled with hers. He had to help her. She helped him, and he needed to do the same for her.

"Rey," he choked out as he knelt by her side. But she didn't seem to hear him. Her eyes were shut, and she just cried pitifully. Ben was lost and overcome by their shared anguish. He didn't know what to do. He only excelled at causing misery. He wasn't the kind of person that could comfort someone else. How could he relieve her pain? He thought of how Rey helped him. She'd used their bond to project that he wasn't alone. But what was wrong with her? He didn't know what would comfort her. He needed to know. He needed her to tell him what she was struggling with.

"Rey," he pled with as much calm as he could muster. "I need you to tell me what's wrong. I don't know how to help, I don't know what I did, I-" But his words caught in his throat. Rey couldn't hear him. She was in the grips of a beast he couldn't see.

But you could see it. Ben knew he could use a mind probe to read her thoughts, to see what ran through her head. He recoiled at the idea, and his shame and disgust returned. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to root around in her mind without permission again. But as her sobs continued unabated, Ben felt he had no choice. Something tormented her, and he had to know what it was before he could figure out how to help.

Ben raised a shaking hand to her temple and worked his jaw before dipping into the Force. When his mind connected with hers, an incomprehensible tangle of image, sound, and physical sensation bombarded him. The terror and agony Rey suffered redoubled in the bond. Ben gasped and almost lost his hold on the probe. He forced himself to focus, to make sense of it all.

Her circling thoughts, the memories of her past, the pain. It was overstimulating and unbearable. The abuse, neglect, and violence at the hands of others. The doubts, the worthlessness, and warped views Rey absorbed from these instructive interactions. The fears and loneliness and self-imposed isolation. They all looped back in on each other, a self-fulfilling prophecy that only heightened what she struggled with.

Over it all, his own words from the Supremacy were hurled back at him.

"You're nothing."

Ben hated himself. This was his fault. How could he have been so blind and foolish and unobservant? He had no idea how significant his choice of words had been, how much they fed into her already-distorted sense of self-worth. It wasn't what he meant. It wasn't what he wanted her to understand. He needed to explain himself, he needed to apologize. But most of all, he just needed to end Rey's pain and panic. But how? She fought him when he touched her, and words seemed to have no meaningful effect. Could he use their bond like she did outside the cockpit? He could show her that she wasn't alone either.

She ran away from you. What good will it do to show her she's not alone if your presence upsets her? His heart fell. He wasn't who she needed to heal the scars of her lonely life, and she'd never stay with him. Ben despaired. He wanted and needed Rey, but he wouldn't hold on if it just hurt her. He didn't deserve her anyway. Not after what he said about her. Not after what he put her through. Even so, he was all she had right now, and he wouldn't let her suffer more than she already was. He pushed aside his own pain to focus on hers, and that gave him a sad resolve. His feelings toward her weren't of any help, but maybe something peaceful and relaxing could at least pull her out of the spiraling misery she was caught in.

Like a clear signal through the static of their combined distress, Ben knew what he had to do. He didn't know if it was possible to use a mind probe this way, but he had to try. He needed a memory of his own, one that was calming, one that Rey might find soothing. He thought of Jakku in all its dry desolation and lifelessness. He remembered a vivid moment of beauty and tranquility from his own childhood.

The woods on Chandrila. He closed his eyes and fixated on the details of the memory. Ben projected them into Rey's mind with as much intensity as he could bring to bear. His mother's words repeated in his head. "What do you feel?" The grounding nature of damp earth between bare toes. "What do you smell?" The headiness of fertile soil that holds the promise of new life. "What do you see?" Trees that sway to their own silent heartbeat. "What do you hear?" Pripraks and preepnobs careless and free in their weightless flight. "What do you taste?" The bright burst of a jogan's juices in stark contrast to stale and flavorless portions.

As he directed Rey's attention, the iron grip of her panic diminished in the bond. Ben's body relaxed somewhat as he opened his eyes. Her intense sobs had subsided to small and quiet cries. But she was still curled up, and the brow above her closed eyes was laced with lines of distress. Ben watched her bare back expand and contract with quick ragged breaths. He swallowed.

"What do you feel?"

Ben hesitated before laying a trembling hand over her breast band. He felt the warmth of her even through the fabric. He fought to master the reflexive panic and nausea that threatened to pull him away. He drew small circles to avoid her skin, but he made sure there was some pressure, just as his mother would've done. He watched Rey's face as he focused on the memory. Ben waited for her.

When she finally opened her eyes, his intense relief morphed into intense anxiety. What could he say? After experiencing her painful memories, after what he'd said about her in the throne room, how could he ever make things right?

The warmth left Rey's back as Ben removed his hand. She slowly sat up, and he shifted away. His gaze met hers, but words seemed to fail him. He swallowed before saying in a cracked voice, "Uh… Rey…" [understanding, discomfort]

Rey's stomach dropped. He knows. Her face twisted as her mind raced with fear. [despondency] "You saw it all, didn't you?" Ben looked panicked as [regret] surged through the bond. Now he knew who she was. Someone who was easily fooled and unworthy of genuine companionship. Someone that others could take from because she had no other value as a person. She was just a dirty scavenger from nothing and nowhere. She was the lowest of the low, something that was sneered at and looked down upon. Her lot in life was to be nothing more than something that was used up. She was only a commodity, and a cheap one at that.

With a sinking feeling, Rey thought of the man at the bar and what he'd wanted her for. She remembered Ben's desire as he'd held her in the cargo hold. Rey could feel his guilt and shame now. He wanted to use her too. It was the only explanation for his abrupt change of heart toward her. A heavy anxiety settled in her chest, and she could feel a pressure building in her head. She was afraid to know, but she had to.

"Ever since I picked you up, I've felt your disgust for me. You didn't want me near you. You couldn't bear to have me touch you." Something in her told her to stop, to drop the line of questioning. But the fear in her was growing, and she needed to know. "What changed in the cargo hold? Why are you suddenly okay with me touching you? Why did you hold me?"

[dread] overwhelmed the bond from his side. His jaw worked for a moment before he finally said in a strained voice, "It's complicated." His eyes flicked to her chest before flying back to her face. Ben reddened and looked nauseous at the same time as she felt his [shame, guilt, abhorrence]. Something lanced through Rey's heart as she flushed with renewed embarrassment and hurt. The confusing mixed signals of his desire and revulsion finally made sense. It all fit into a pattern she was familiar with. He was sickened by her, but she still had something he wanted. There was always something that people wanted from her. Just not her. She might not have worth, but her body did.

Despite her certainty, a part of her knew it didn't make sense. Something told her her assumptions were baseless. Rey knew she was being paranoid, but she couldn't dissuade herself from the assumptions she'd already made. The word "self-sabotage" flew through her head as it screamed for her to stop. But the familiar panic was setting in, and her thoughts tumbled until her fear spilled out.

[dismay] "It's sex, isn't it? You just want to use me and throw me away like everyone else."

"No!" [fear] Ben looked as if she'd caught him in a lie. She could feel his guilt. Her anxious mind refused to acknowledge his distress or the desperation in his eyes. It hunted for demons, and it was determined to find them regardless of the evidence that would prove their nonexistence. [fluster] "I'd never use you like that, Rey." [shame]

Yes he would. He would because that's what people did. They used others to their advantage. They exploited their weaknesses, and they took what they wanted.

Ben wouldn't do that!

She'd shown him compassion, and he was going to use that to trick her into fulfilling his own desires. It had always been the easiest way for people to deceive her. They lied to her, stole from her, and used her because her kindness made it easy for them to do so.

Stop this!

Of all the lessons she'd learned, this was the one that never seemed to sink in no matter how many times it hurt her. Her compassion was a weapon she willingly gave to others without any regard for how much harm it could cause. She left herself unguarded and exposed every time to the inevitable blows. They wielded it for their own gain, and Ben would do the same. She was such a blind idiot. Why did she think he'd be any different from the kind of people she'd known her whole life?

Why are you doing this to him?! Why are you doing this to yourself?!

Dismay and anxiety clouded her mind. Rey squeezed her eyes shut as she shook her head to rid herself of the concerns that tried to alter the course she was intent on following. They hinted at something significant. They hinted at something she wasn't ready to face. So instead of listening, she let fears and accusations and insecurities rush out. Something in her could only weep at what she was putting both of them through.

"I'm just a body to you. I disgust you, and now you only want me because you want sex. That's all. You'll use me just like any other trafficked slave at the Outpost, and you'll discard me just the same. You'll discard me because I'm worthless and gullible and nothing-!"

"You're not nothing, Rey!" [guilt] "I'm sorry I made you think that, but it's not true!" [appeal] "You aren't worthless, and you definitely don't disgust me." [embarrassment] "But I don't just want you for sex either…" He almost swallowed the end of the sentence as his reddened face paled with [revulsion, contempt]. He looked like he wanted to vomit.

See? You sicken him. He's just lying to get what he wants from you. Rey's tears spilled out faster. [anguish] "I can feel it, Ben! You can't even hide your disgust for me right now!"

"You can feel it because it's all directed at me! I'm disgusted with myself!" [self-hatred] "The feelings I have are repellent, and I'm sorry you can feel them." [despair, apology] "I shouldn't have them. What I did and felt in the cargo hold made you uncomfortable, and I didn't want that. And I definitely don't want you to feel like I'm just trying to take advantage of you for some sort of twisted gratification." [guilt]

He's just lying to you. "You're lying."

"I'd never lie to you, Rey." [desperation, appeal] "Especially about that. I've been a bad person, but I'd never put you through that." Ben looked at her with a pained expression, and Rey's heart twinged at the hurt she was causing him. She spent the past few days believing the best in him, and now she was assuming the worst. He didn't deserve this. It wasn't fair. What the hell is wrong with me?

He looked at her with such [sadness] before saying, "Not everybody wants to use you and take things from you."

Rey felt an inexplicable surge of anger, and she forgot her guilt. He felt sorry for her, and she didn't want it. She didn't want anybody to pity her. Her whole life, she'd done everything on her own. She could take care of herself, and she sure as hell didn't need anyone's sympathy. "I don't need you to feel sorry for me." She tried to put as much cold into her voice as she could, but pain still fractured beneath it.

Ben blanched with [bewilderment]. "I don't feel sorry for you, and no one else should either."

[accusation] "Why, because I'm nothing?"

[shame] "No!" [despair] "Rey, if I'd known what that meant to you, I never would've said it!"

[hurt] "But you did say it!"

[emphasis] "But I said 'not to me-!'"

[confusion] "That doesn't make sense, Ben! I can't be both worthless and-!"

[frustration] "That's not what I meant-!"

[anger, desolation, resentment] "Then why did you say I was nothing?!"

"Because I'm fucking broken, Rey!" [anguish] "I'm a screwed up mess of bad wiring! I cause pain and misery even when I'm not even trying to, and I don't know how to be someone that doesn't!" He was doing this all wrong. He didn't want to yell. He didn't want to hurt her, but he was. He could see it in her face and feel it in the bond. Everything he said to her only made it worse. Why couldn't he just be someone who could communicate what he actually meant?

A sudden and strange [guilt] flooded from Rey's side, and all the anger seemed to leave her as she visibly deflated. She swallowed before saying in a quiet voice, "You're not broken."

[conviction] "Yes, I am."

[sorrow] "Ben-!"

Ben groaned and pressed his palms against his eyes. She just didn't understand. He was ill-made. Something in him had always been damaged, and it wasn't fixable. To untangle the voices in his head, to process and convey his emotions. He was incapable of it. He'd tried. When he was growing up, he tried so hard to be a normal person that could express their anger or pain or sadness without physical or emotional destruction. But his defect only grew worse with time. He didn't know how to tell her any of this, but he needed her to understand. Ben lowered his hands.

"I don't know how to do this," he said, gesturing between them. "Talking. Telling people how I feel." [sadness] "Conveying anything that has to do with my heart," he lamented as he patted his chest. "Everything I feel strongly is just overwhelming. There's always way too much going on in my head, and it's a mess. I'm a mess. If I ever do have a clear thought, I just say it because it's finally something that I can actually relay to someone else!"

Ben was suddenly aware of his rising voice and the increasing violence of his gestures. Rey looked taken aback. Ashamed of himself for letting his frustration and anger get the better of him again, he smothered the fire that threatened to burn within. In its absence, he just felt tired. Trying to explain his brokenness to someone else was impossible. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with a sigh. [defeat, sorrow] "I've always been so focused on what's in my own head, I don't think about how my words come across to others." That's a damn excuse, and you know it. Tell her the truth. Tell her why you said those things to her. Ben felt the heavy burden of guilt as he looked back at her. Her face asked him for answers, and he resolved to be as plain and straightforward as his mind would allow.

"In the throne room… I was terrified." [humiliation, vulnerability] Her eyes searched his, and it all spilled out in an unbroken stream of impotence and self-contempt. "Snoke was my master and tormentor and the most powerful man in the galaxy, and I killed him with barely any time to think about what it meant. It was too much." [helplessness] "I was lost and desperate and overwhelmed, and I felt weak. I wasn't strong enough, and I relied on the dark to protect me because it was familiar and numbing, and it meant I didn't have to confront the things that frightened me more than I was willing to admit. I was afraid, and I let my darkness speak for me because I don't know how to process my fear without anger. I said those things to you because I'm fucked up and didn't even consider how cruel I was being. You were hurting, and I was more focused on myself than what I was doing to you. With all the uncertainty and fear, only one thing felt sure, and I wanted you to know-"

Ben hesitated and stopped himself from finishing the thought. It felt different to say it now without the heady haze of his abruptly-changed circumstances, adrenaline, and confusion. But as he felt Rey's hurt, he knew he needed to tell the truth, just as he'd always given her. Because she deserved it. She deserved to know that she wasn't just nothing. She deserved to know that she was worth more than anything he could ever be. Ben tried to sort through his thoughts in the throne room and what he'd catastrophically failed to say. He swallowed against the growing lump in his throat. He needed her to understand.

"I wanted you to know how much our bond meant to me. When I said you were nothing…" [guilt] "I meant it didn't matter to me that you came from nowhere. It didn't matter to me whether or not the Force gave you some important family or destiny. Those things shouldn't matter, to me or anybody else. When you reached out to me, when you told me I wasn't alone, it meant more to me than you could possibly understand, and I needed you to know that. You were the only thing in my life that actually felt right, and I was terrified of losing you." [desperation, entreaty]

Ben's heavy breathing filled the silence left by his declaration. He knew he was going to lose her anyway. He knew he deserved to after all the pain he'd caused her. But he couldn't let her believe the harsh things she felt about herself. Rey's turmoil clouded the bond, and he could see the struggle in her eyes. She had to know that what he said was the truth. He wouldn't lie to her. He never could.

But when he felt her [doubt], his heart shifted in her, and any hope that resided in her turbulent gaze seemed to flicker out. [unworthiness] clouded the bond, and he understood all-too-well how consuming and demoralizing it could be. The same feeling saturated her memories, and Ben didn't know how to show her that it wasn't true. It was unjustified and cruel the way she belittled and devalued herself. It was all wrong, and he wanted to cry for her. Rey bit her lip and shook her head as new tears fell.

"You don't mean any of that, Ben. I don't just matter to people unconditionally. It doesn't work that way. It's never worked that way. They always want something in return. They always want something that I don't have." [hopelessness] Rey's heart constricted as something large and terrible threatened to devour her. "You might think I mean something to you, but it won't be long before you see that I'm not enough. I'm never enough for anybody." She could barely speak through the emotion that blocked her throat. "People have proven that time and time again." [conviction, sorrow] Rey hung her head and couldn't hold back anymore.

She cried for both of them. He had to know the truth. It was better this way. He'd eventually discover how little she had to offer. It was better to kill that pain now before it grew into something that would destroy her. Because it would. For all its misery, it was better to endure the agony of loneliness. On this, she was certain.

"Rey." Ben's suffering in the bond was suffocating. It forcibly pulled Rey out of her own head to focus on him. He looked so hurt. She hated what she was doing to him. It choked her as much as her own pain. Tears ran down his face as he touched his fingers to his temple. His voice shook. [desperation, inquiry] "Please let me show you. Just… let me prove it."

Rey understood what he wanted to do, and her first instinct was to flinch at the memory of the mind probe from the interrogation room. Ben's despair and self-hatred flooded the bond as his hand fell from his head. He swallowed, and his eyes pleaded with her.

"I won't do anything without your permission. I don't want to hurt you like I did on Starkiller." [remorse, apology, self-contempt] "But you need to know the truth, and this is the only way I know how to prove it." [desperation]

Rey was torn. She wanted to hope that what he said was true. She wanted to hope that he cared. She wanted to hope. But all it ever did was raise her up for a harder fall. And yet, she couldn't deny the curiosity and yearning she felt at his offer. She could feel Ben's earnestness. What he was proposing seemed significant, and it made something in her stomach flutter. She wanted the intimacy from Ahch-To. She wanted to experience that closeness and understanding again. She wanted to connect with him.

You're just giving yourself more false hope. Don't let it trick you again. Don't be so gullible.

But if her life had taught her anything, Rey knew she was hopeful beyond sense and reason. She closed her eyes to block out Ben's pained face as she tried unsuccessfully to hide her own. You're such an optimistic fool.

Resigned, she braced herself for another fall. Rey opened her eyes to see his anxious expression, and she wanted to reassure him. But her dread for the inevitable pain blocked her throat, and all she could do was nod.

CW: Rey experiences a panic attack, and Ben feels this through the bond. Though several factors are at play, this attack is predominately in response to physical stimuli that subconsciously remind Rey of a very distressing incident from her adolescence (more details in other CWs).

CW: Unhealthy views of physical attraction and sex. From what Rey's seen, it's often transactional or even exploitative in the worst case. In many ways, she views sex as just another way that people can take advantage of others. Further exploration of Ben's ingrained belief that physical attraction is shameful.

CW: Predation in various forms. People taking advantage of others in cruel ways.

CW: Mentions of prostitution and sex trafficking. Several instances of veiled threats of underage prostitution are revealed in Rey's memories (no characters were involved in sex work).

CW: A graphic memory of a violent non-sexual assault. Several men attacked Rey when she was a young teen. Injuries are described. There's also a segment of this memory describing a moment when Rey vomits. The assault is written in a way that's meant to be disconcerting and uncomfortable. Contains elements of terror, panic, helplessness, physical restraint, and disgust.

CW: Rey is suffering unaddressed PTSD related to the attack. It mostly manifests in moments when she feels like she can't move or breathe. But it's also related to situations where she feels that someone else has power over her and she's not in control.

CW: More expansion on why Rey considers herself a "low," "dirty," and "disgusting" person.

CW: The entire chapter centers around Rey facing her feelings of worthlessness.

A/N-This may have been a tough chapter to read, but it's the culmination of something that I'm quite proud of. Building and fleshing out Rey's character was always one of the hardest things for me to do because she's someone that hides a lot of things from herself. It was difficult to convey through her POV what she struggled with when she unconsciously refused to acknowledge that those problems existed. It was interesting finding ways to present these issues to the reader without Rey being too self-aware of them. I hope the scattered breadcrumbs throughout the story managed to set the stage for this chapter.

In the next chapter, Ben and Rey learn what trust and intimacy can mean. I know this story's subject matter has probably been rough, but thanks for continuing through it! Comments are always greatly appreciated :)