A/N-Another minor housekeeping note. I'm raising the chapter count to thirteen. I haven't changed anything about the plot or how this story ends. There's just a lot to tie up in these last chapters, and I want to do them right. If it takes many thousands of extra words to do that, then so be it. That being said, I'm still on track to post a chapter every two weeks. I'm definitely feeling the time crunch to keep up with my schedule, though. I really don't want to delay a chapter if I can help it. But I want the final part of this story to receive the same care and effort I gave to the beginning and middle.
I'm not a fast writer at all. In fact, I'm so damn overly-particular with my words that my progress is usually glacial. But even if there are delays, rest assured that this fic will absolutely be finished. Seeing this story come together has made me so happy, and I can't wait to share the rest of it with you all :)
Rey experienced a strange vertigo when she observed herself in the interrogation room from Kylo's perspective. In her mind, she saw his hand hovering near the other Rey's head as he probed her thoughts. But at the same time, her eyes told her that she was seeing Ben kneeling next to her in the Falcon with his hand to her temple. It was like a double image holofilm she could see, hear, and feel. There was a mismatch, and her brain couldn't comprehend the clashing stimuli. She'd only ever experienced brief flashes and impressions of his memory when their minds linked prior to Crait. This was far more purposeful and intense.
When Kylo began to sift through her memories, some other part of her brain saw these too. The effect of three incoming sources of visual information quickly disoriented her. But it was nothing compared to what she could feel. She experienced Kylo's emotions at the same time he detected her pain and fear. The bombardment of these past sensations from Starkiller were overlaid with Ben's present regret and shame and her own dread, fear, and uncertainty. It was like being in the minds of four people at once without her own body as an anchor, and Rey found herself overwhelmed. It was too much.
Her mind floundered to right itself, and she experienced pain and discomfort. Rey knew she was safe. But part of her brain told her she wasn't in her own body, and she was in danger because of it. That intense fear rapidly overshadowed reason and logic. She wasn't in control, and she felt helpless. A violent panic seized her, and it only increased the pain as she struggled against it. She saw and felt Ben panic too before he pulled away from her mind.
/ / /
[fluster] "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started with that one. I didn't realize how disorienting it would be." [worry] "We don't have to do this, Rey."
As Rey's racing mind and heart found stable ground in her own body again, she forced herself to think about the memory. Though it had been overwhelming, one aspect nagged at her. She tried to push aside her panic and all the information his memory contained to focus on Kylo's emotions. Though they'd been obscured by the excess of other details, she felt his profound sadness and loneliness. She sensed these were things he kept closely guarded in some deep place he didn't want others to see.
She remembered her dream and the man that held her. She thought of how much trust it took for her to reveal the things she was afraid to show him. Ben was trusting her with the hidden parts of himself. He wanted her to see these things. Rey looked at his pained expression. She wanted to know the man inside him. She wanted to know Ben. More tears fell as a desperation gnawed at something in her chest.
[need] "Show me." Rey felt Ben's surprise as he raised his trembling hand to her temple.
/ / /
Rey tried her best to keep herself centered and focused. But when the memory of the interrogation room restarted, the panic began again as her mind struggled with all the discordant information. Before it grew out of control, she sensed [determination, assistance] from Ben.
The scene suddenly froze, and the only emotions she felt were his. She detected his agitation, worry, and doubt until a strange sensation of breathing pervaded the memory. Something calming flowed from him to her, and Rey latched on in a desperate attempt to prevent herself from being pulled under again. As she allowed it to slow her mind, the panic gradually receded. Everything was still. She tried to find a point of focus. Rey saw Ben's lips move and heard his voice as if it were muted.
"This isn't something I've ever really done. I'm guiding you through my memories, but your mind is battling with mine." [apprehension] "If you really want me to show you… I need you to let me take control."
Fear took over again. It terrified her to give someone else power over her. She needed to be in control. Rey just held tighter, and the discomfort returned. She knew Ben could feel her pain and uncertainty when she sensed an intense gentleness from him. His gaze softened, and his eyes were an anchor that held her firm. Rey suddenly felt… safe. The feeling caused an ache in her chest that grew into some powerful thing she couldn't identify.
"If you let me, I can direct your focus. But you have to let go." Rey could feel his fear. But she sensed his calm and assurance too. She swallowed through her anxiety. She needed to know Ben. She could do this. She needed to do this.
Rey let go. She relaxed the firm grip she had on her mind and gave up control. She let it float until Ben took hold with a delicateness she didn't think was possible. His shocked eyes looked into hers as an intense feeling flooded from his side of the bond. She let it wash through her, and her stomach felt warm and light. Ben's throat bobbed.
"Just... keep your eyes closed. It'll probably reduce the confusion and allow you to focus more." Rey stared at him for a moment before giving a tense nod. She shut her eyes to the present and concentrated on the past. The interrogation still sat as a freeze frame of a moment in time. Kylo's hand hovered over Rey's head while she refused to meet his gaze. Ben's voice came to her from far away again.
"I'm going to use the thoughts and emotions of my memories to anchor you. Just concentrate on those." His voice was soft, and she could feel a nervousness in the bond. Rey thought she gave him a nod back on the Falcon. She wasn't sure.
The interrogation began to play out again as Kylo leaned close to her temple. Her first instinct was to feel for her own past emotions through him. But they were dulled as if they were faint echoes. Rey's mind felt a gentle nudge from Ben, and her attention focused on Kylo instead. The sounds of the interrogation room grew quiet. In contrast, his emotions and thoughts stood out loud and clear.
Kylo was consumed by loneliness and isolation. He had no one for so many years. But as he sorted through some of her surface thoughts and memories, curiosity and something else grew into being. He felt as if he'd found a kindred spirit. Even if their experiences differed greatly, she was someone he could sympathize with. Kylo understood her.
She felt lonely and isolated too. She had no friends or family, and she envied the home and companionship that others seemed to find so easily. Kylo could never remember having those things either. His parents were always away, and the house he grew up in on Chandrila was too empty to ever feel like a home. His only companions for years had been droids and the strangers in his head, and neither gave him the upbringing he wanted or needed.
He understood her troubles with sleeping. His dreams were haunted by voices and guilt. Hers were haunted by abandonment. Their pasts fueled the nightmares that kept them awake at night, and the day offered no shortage of material to draw from.
He bristled at the idea of her finding a surrogate parental figure in Han. He saw the way his father treated her and looked at her. Kylo never remembered him that way. He only remembered the weeks at home without him. He remembered the broken promises. He remembered the fear Han had for his son. Kylo felt a momentary jealousy of her. At another time in his life, he wanted what she seemed to have.
She leaned toward him as he compelled her mind to give up the information it held. She had such fierce passion and conviction. She fought tenaciously to force back the intrusion from the mind probe, and Kylo couldn't help but feel a slight admiration for her.
But something shifted. He was suddenly aware of her presence in his head, and he felt the unnerving sensation of looking into a mirror. An aggressive triumph overtook him, but the feeling wasn't his own. He perceived some otherworldly thing that seemed to say, "I see you."
It had all the weight of a threat, and Kylo felt naked and unable to protect himself. Terrified, he dropped the probe before she dug any deeper. He stared at her as he tried to regain his bearings and composure. He was afraid of this stick-thin girl when it should've been the other way around. An air of undeniable importance filled the room, and he didn't understand why.
/ / /
She initiated the Force bond. He thought she hated him. He was a monster and snake and murderer. But she reached out… to him? He didn't understand. Maybe she just wanted someone to talk to? It seemed unlikely. But if that was the reason, Kylo felt an odd smugness that she came to him rather than Luke.
That flash of ego fell away when she confided in him. The act seemed significant in a way he was unprepared to examine. She was opening herself up to him. She was telling him her fears and admitting to the abject loneliness that consumed her life. They weren't things someone told their enemy. Were they not enemies anymore? Kylo couldn't help but feel a strange surge from the thought. Was it hope? Happiness? Longing? Whatever it was, it warmed him inside. Everything had been so cold for years, and he didn't want the warmth to go away.
She said she'd never felt so alone. Kylo knew the feeling. But in the short amount of time since they'd discovered their Force bond, he realized how much he needed the companionship. Though it had largely been antagonistic, she was someone he could talk to. Without his mask and without a facade. She was the first person he felt he could be himself in front of since… he couldn't remember when.
She said she'd never felt so alone. But Kylo suddenly understood that wasn't true. She had him. It was a strange and complicated thing they shared, but their Force bond would always keep them connected. She'd never truly be alone again. At the thought, the warmth returned, and a sudden desire came with it. If she needed someone to confide in, he wanted to be the one she reached out to.
She said he wasn't alone, and something clenched in his chest. Kylo didn't know what to say or do. It wasn't what he expected, and it wasn't what he deserved. Monsters should be solitary. She shouldn't want anything to do with him. But he could feel her warmth and honesty across the galaxy. He wanted to believe that what she said was the truth.
She said it wasn't too late. His heart sank because it was. She just didn't know him enough to see that. But when she reached out, he could feel her genuine compassion. Kylo's throat tightened. Even if it was too late for him, he was moved that she seemed to care. He stared at her outstretched fingers, and it felt as if something might swallow him. She reached still and expectant into the light-years that separated them. Everything he knew about Force bonds told him that meeting her hand should be a physical impossibility. But he remembered the rain on his face, and a bewildering nervousness overtook him. It was possible, and he wanted to close the distance. He wanted to show her that he was there for her even if he wasn't there for her.
His hand touched hers, and Kylo finally understood.
/ / /
Kylo was terrified, and he didn't know what to do. He just didn't understand. Why was she here? What could he do to keep her out of Snoke's hands? What could he say? How much time did he have to get her away from the Supremacy before it was too late? What could he-?
Ben. She used his old name. He'd hated that name. "Ben Solo" was representative of a life he wanted to forget. It was inseparable from the scared and weak boy that no one cared for. But he was bewildered to find that he suddenly liked the way it sounded.
She was stepping closer, she was offering to help him. Help him? She was the one in danger. She just didn't see it, and he didn't understand why she couldn't. He tried to remain calm, but a rising panic was clouding his mind. No matter how it went, the clash between her and his master wouldn't end well. She could be killed. Or worse, left alive. It made him nauseous to think of her under Snoke's power. He'd already done so much to Kylo. He didn't want that for her too.
The vision he had when their hands touched might have been confusing and unclear, but one thing was certain. It promised a future in which they stood side-by-side, together and without conflict or animosity. He'd sensed happiness, understanding, and peace. Not just hers, but his own too. For the briefest moment, they made something burn in his chest with more intensity than the strongest anger or hatred could ever stir. It snuffed out when Luke interrupted them, but that fire awakened something that Kylo had long-suppressed and dismissed: Want.
It wasn't the kind of desire that dragged him through a soulless life or drove him to achieve his master's goals. It was a yearning for… more. The feeling was vague and undefinable, but thinking of her and what had been promised as their hands touched made him want to reach for whatever "more" was. Kylo's heart twisted at the impossible memory of an impossible future. It was a tantalizing glimpse into a life he could never dream of having, and he felt a reckless and absurd desire to ensure it.
There was only one way out. He felt a terrifying thrill at the idea. It was something he'd never dared to entertain for fear that his master would uncover the enticing fantasy: The dream of a Kylo that chose his own destiny. He couldn't fathom any circumstance in which that dream could be realized if Snoke got a hold of her. She could never be happy under his master, and he'd never allow Kylo to be at peace either. Snoke could never be a part of such a future.
Kylo found the resolve he needed. He would save her no matter what he had to burn in the process. He would ensure the future that had been promised. He would not bow before Snoke anymore. He understood what he had to do.
/ / /
What did he just do?
He killed Snoke. So what was wrong? Something was wrong. What was it? Power vacuums. He'd created a power vacuum. That was a problem. There would be infighting and eventual collapse. It would be chaos and disorder. Logistics. He needed to think of logistics. Someone had to take control before everything fell apart. What was wrong? Something wasn't right. What was it? He did this. He needed to fix it. What was wrong? What was different? Ah, that's it. It was quiet. Why was it quiet? What changed? It was too quiet. He had to prevent the collapse. What had he done? It was too quiet. Where… where were the voices? They'd always been there. Where were they? When did they leave? What changed? He'd killed Snoke. He actually killed him. Snoke was dead, and the voices were gone, and it was too quiet…
… It was Snoke all along.
No, it couldn't have been… Could it…? The whispers and threats. They were gone. They'd never been silent before. They were always there. The constant chatter at the back of his mind. It was gone. It was Snoke. It had to be. It was the only explanation. He finally understood. The voices had been Snoke! His hands and feet were tingling. Kylo was afraid. Why was he afraid? He finally had the answer to the question that consumed his life. He understood now where the voices had been coming from. The voices were Snoke, and they were gone! His head was finally quiet! So why was he afraid? Why was he anxious? Why was there a weight in his chest? Why did he feel so much dread?
Because you let him do this to you.
No. Snoke couldn't have been the source of the voices. If he were, that would mean he was responsible for… everything. That would mean Snoke caused the torment that made his existence a constant hell. Kylo was smarter than that. He wouldn't put himself under the power of the man that destroyed his life. No. It couldn't have been Snoke. There had to be another explanation. Kylo wouldn't have done that to himself. He'd never allow it.
But you did allow it, so stop trying to avoid the truth! He tricked you and used you and manipulated you, and you let him!
No! It couldn't have been him! The voices did those things! Not Snoke! Not Snoke…! Where were the voices?! They were gone. Gone!
It was SNOKE!
WHERE WERE THE VOICES?! They (No, Snoke. It was Snoke!) had been a part of him! They (he) were (was) gone! He thought he was always alone. But now he truly was. It was too quiet! Kylo needed him back. He shouldn't feel that way. Snoke deceived and used him. So why did he feel that way?! It didn't matter! He needed Snoke! He didn't want to be alone!
He was the one manipulating you, you submissive and gullible fool!You let him do this! You let him get away with it for years, and you gave him power over you!
But they (HE! HE!) was gone! It was too quiet! He didn't want to be alone! He couldn't be alone! It was too quiet!
Are you a man or not?! Don't be so damn weak and pull yourself together!
But he needed Snoke!
Then find someone else to cling to if you're that fucking spineless!
Who?! Who could he-?!
Gods! Just make her join you, and be done with it!
… He saw it in the vision. He'd sensed the darkness in her. She could join him in it. She could! But what about her compassion and kindness? Didn't she belong in the light? No! If she stayed in the light, he'd be alone in the dark! He couldn't be alone in the dark. It was too quiet. Where the fuck were the voices?! Could he join her in the light? She said she'd seen him turn. Could he be in the light? But the dark was what he knew. The vision promised that she'd join him. Right? But she'd never leave the-
For once in your damn life, don't be conflicted, and choose. a. side! Light or dark?
She was in the light.
Light or dark?!
He was already in the dark.
LIGHT OR DARK?!
It was safe in the dark.
LIGHT OR DARK?!
Would she ever join him if he stayed? What if he-?
DAMMIT, YOU FUCKING COWARD! LET GO OF YOUR CONFLICT AND CHOOSE! LIGHT OR DARK?!
THE DARK! HE BELONGED IN THE DARK! HE WAS A COWARD AND A MONSTER AND A MURDERER, AND HE BELONGED IN THE DARK! THERE WAS NO LIGHT IN HIM! HE BELONGED IN THE DARK!
THEN STAY IN IT!
He would! No more conflict! He would stay in the dark this time. There was no other way. She had to be the one to turn. She told him he wasn't alone. She had to be the one to join him. She had to stay in the dark with him.
Power vacuums. He had to remember the power vacuum. There was the question of logistics. Order had to be maintained. The galaxy couldn't fall into chaos. It already teetered on the thinnest edge after Hux beheaded the New Republic. Nothing would stop him from grasping at power and dominance. He wanted fear and endless war, not stability. Kylo couldn't allow that. He had to make a decisive strike here and now. He had to finish what his grandfather started. He had to be the one to bring freedom, justice, and security to the galaxy. He had to be the one to create order, and the dark was what he needed to achieve it. He had to make decisions that couldn't be encumbered by the light. The task was large and seemed impossible, and he didn't know if he could do it on his own. But with her, he felt like it could be done. Together, they could do it.
"Let the past die." That's what he'd told her. They could leave all those old power struggles to rot in the past where they belonged. He would finally kill the past like he said. The Sith, The Jedi, The New Republic. They ignored and even fostered the war, slavery, and ruin that brought this galaxy to its knees over and over. She and Kylo could do what everyone before them failed to achieve. They could bring peace. Real peace, not just some farcical thing that looked like it. They could make the galaxy better. With her, he could. She told him he wasn't alone. She would join him. She would-
She asked him not to do it. What choice did he have? He belonged in the dark, and he had to do what needed to be done. But if he had to stay… that meant she wasn't. No. No! He didn't want to be alone! He didn't want the silence! Where were the voices?! She told him not to follow the path he needed to take, but what other way could he go?! To the Resistance?! To his mother?! He destroyed those bridges permanently when he killed Han! He killed Han! He'd killed him! He was dead because of him! No! His death was necessary to stay in the dark. No more conflict. He didn't care that he killed his… father. He needed to kill his past. It was necessary. He needed to kill Han Solo because Ben Solo needed to die. He killed his father. He killed him!
You're still conflicted! You're not letting go!
She was still holding on too! She needed to let go! She was lying to herself! She wasn't facing the truth! She still thought her parents were coming back for her! They weren't, and she needed to see that! She needed to stop being so damn blind and accept that they left her! She still had faith in filthy junk traders that abandoned her! Those worthless, cruel, selfish-! She deserved better than wasting her time on them! They didn't care about her! She deserved people who actually cared!
What, like you? Does she deserve you?
No. Yes. He didn't know. She didn't deserve… him. But he was at least someone that cared. She deserved that at least. He didn't want to be alone. She was lonely too. He didn't want her to be alone. He wanted her to have the happiness from the vision. But would she ever be happy in the dark? Would she ever be happy if she stayed with him? He didn't know… He didn't know, but he'd sensed them together. He belonged in the dark, so she had to join him in it.
She needed to let go. She needed to create her own destiny free from her past. She wasn't like him. She wasn't part of the old and tired story of failure that doomed the galaxy to an endless cycle of strife. People dismissed her because she came from nothing. They judged her by it, and they couldn't see who she was or what she could be. She was nothing to them. Her history and origins were of little consequence to the galaxy. But she was better for it.
Her lack of a family wasn't a hindrance. Legacies were a burden. He could never shake free of their weight. Unlike him, she could be unfettered if she'd just let go. She sought meaning and belonging in the dead people that abandoned her on a lifeless planet. They chained her to her past, and she wouldn't find her destiny in them. The past was dead, and only the future mattered. She was a nobody from nowhere, and Kylo didn't care. None of it mattered to him. Rey… She was somebody to him. She meant something to him. He didn't know. He didn't know why. But their bond was important to him. It meant something. And she… There was something else there too. Something else. He didn't know. He didn't understand what it was. But she had to join him. She had to stay with him.
Please don't leave.
He couldn't lose their connection. He couldn't be alone. The voices were gone. Snoke was gone, and he was afraid. He didn't want to be afraid. He didn't want to be alone. It was too quiet. He didn't-
She reached for his hand. She was taking his offer! She would join him! She would join him, and he wouldn't be alone! She was staying, and he didn't have to be afraid of the silence. She would join him. Just as his vision promised. He wouldn't be alone. She would join him.
/ / /
He was going to destroy her. Just like he killed Snoke and Ben Solo and… Han Solo. He'd kill her too. She betrayed him! He trusted her, and she betrayed him! Just like Luke! Just like his parents! He thought she cared about him. She said he wasn't alone, but she left him to die. She was supposed to join him! The vision lied! The Force betrayed him too! He would kill her! There was no more conflict. The dark was where he belonged. He'd be the angry and murderous monster everyone thought him to be. That was all he was to them. They never saw him as anything different. Not even her. He was a monster to her too. She left him to die. She betrayed him, and he would kill her! He would-
A flash. Something on the floor. Something the Resistance left behind? A clue he could use to track them? Small, metal, shiny. What was it?
… His father's- HAN'S dice… Why were they here? How were they here? His mother? When was the last time he saw them? They were hanging in the cockpit of the Falcon when his father- when Han abandoned him with Luke. He remembered the way they reflected the flicker of hyperspace... He remembered the way his… father sometimes rolled them in his hand for luck. He remembered the way Ben played with them when he was a boy. He remembered their weight. He remembered his greatest wish whenever he held them. He remembered the emphatic way he told everyone he'd be a pilot just like his dad. Why the hell were they here-?!
He could feel her again. He wouldn't let her get away! He would destroy-!
Oh fuck.
Her powerful anger. He could see it in the cold of her eyes. She was all barely-contained fury. He was reminded of her rage from the forest. But instead of leaving him awed and captivated, Kylo now felt inexplicable shame, dread, and fear. He was small and ineffective under her gaze. He could feel her betrayal. It overwhelmed everything else in the bond and stabbed him in the chest repeatedly and without mercy. He was helpless in the face of her.
What… what had he done?
He fell back on his anger. He lashed out blindly without any thought for its consequence. He caused so much destruction, and he achieved nothing. He let the darkness consume him, and he never realized that she'd stayed firmly planted in the light.
What had he done?! He forced her away! She'd never come back! He didn't want to be alone! Not when the voices had abandoned him too! She couldn't leave him! What could he say?! He needed to say something!
But she had nothing to say to him. The steely resolve in her eyes and the bond said everything her mouth wouldn't, and she shut the door on him without pity or hesitation. Before the connection severed for good, he could only think of the way he betrayed her. She turned against him when she pulled the saber from his hand, but he betrayed her too. She must've had a certain level of trust in him. She confided in him, she reached out, she relied on him to guard her back in the fight. But he pushed her to betray her cause and convictions. He thought he was offering his hand, but he'd actually forced hers. He left her with no other choice. He'd felt the importance of their bond, but his actions made certain that she never wanted to share that connection with him again.
The dice evaporated in his hand, and Kylo grasped at nothing. He finally understood the magnitude of what he'd thrown away in his anger and mistakes. The hopeful boy that wanted nothing more than to be a pilot was lost to him. The life that he could've had was lost to him. His bond with the only person who seemed to care or understand was lost to him. Rey was lost to him.
He was the head of the most-powerful faction in the galaxy, and he felt impotent and empty.
Kylo had nothing.
/ / /
It was dark and quiet and still and exactly what Ben needed. Outside the confines of his mind, his failures of the past eight months, of a lifetime, were piled high and ready to crush him. But inside, he could pretend he was nothing more than a consciousness that floated. The meditation was doing what he needed it to do. It numbed him.
Everything was numb. His current pain, his past guilts, and his future worries. He pushed them all away. Their time would come. It wouldn't be long before he'd give them free reign to destroy him. But for the immediate future, he needed a calm mind.
He'd made his decision. Hux was shifting his pieces into position, and it was time for Ben to make the move that would finally end their game. His time was up, and he had to eliminate himself from the board. He felt some smugness that his general wouldn't get the satisfaction of carrying out the coup he'd spent so much time planning. Ben still had his pride. He'd be damned if he allowed himself to be marched in front of a firing squad beaten and cuffed.
But ultimately, it was just an ineffective and pointless shot at his general's ego. Ben knew he'd lost. Hux had him outmaneuvered and outgunned. He'd efficiently and thoroughly subverted Ben at every turn. He knew now that he never had any real power as Supreme Leader. Hux held it all even if their respective ranks didn't reflect it. Only by running away could Ben achieve some good with the straw man role he played. The best he could do was reduce himself to a lowly spy. Maybe then the Resistance could have a chance at dismantling the First Order. But even he doubted they could do it. He'd tried to do too little too late. It wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. He never was. He only ever managed to cause pain and destruction and-
Ben reached for the memory again. Everything to do with her was wrapped up in regret and guilt. But her open and honest feelings when she reached out always managed to bring him back to himself. He could focus on that quiet moment in time, and his circling mind would settle. He could feel its calming influence now. She would never know it, but she'd helped him countless times over the past several months. Her courage and compassion had guided him through some of his hardest choices and darkest moments since Crait. They reminded him of why Hux and the First Order had to fall. They reminded him that good people like her could do what he couldn't. They reminded him of why he wasn't one of those people. They reminded him of why he couldn't be a part of the galaxy.
Ben deserved to die, and he wasn't going to leave it to fate or chance or a Resistance military tribunal. But he had to endure punishment first. He'd end his life after he was sure he'd suffered as much as required of him. Only then would he be done with this miserable and pointless existence, without ceremony and without anybody to mourn him. He'd kill himself in obscurity, and no one would know or care. He'd lived in the dark, and he'd die in it too. It was what he deserved.
So why had his conflict returned? Why did his chest ache? He was certain of what he had to do. But whenever he thought of his resolve, something always pushed against it with increasing reluctance. A bit more of his conviction chipped away each time, and it only made him more conflicted.
He thought of her hand illuminated by the flicker of a fire he couldn't see. She reached out, and something in him awoke as if called upon. It yearned to meet her halfway in the liminal space between the light of the fire and the darkness of the shadows. The memory of her warmth was like a phantom pain, and another crack formed in his resolve. He wanted to meet her again, even if it was for the last time.
Ben couldn't understand why his chest was so heavy or why tears dampened his face. He didn't understand why it felt like something in him was prematurely mourning for something not yet lost.
/ / /
She was comforting him. With her help, his panic attack subsided. She said he wasn't alone, and Ben cried again. He didn't understand. She cared about him, and he didn't know why. He'd killed so many people. He'd committed so many wrongs. Why was she staying with him? He didn't deserve any of her compassion. He didn't deserve the bond she was using to sooth him. He didn't deserve her.
And yet, she was staying.
Ben didn't understand.
/ / /
She was protecting him. As he meditated, he finally understood that he didn't have to walk alone. The monsters waited for him to fail, but she was helping to stave of their attack. He still felt lost. He didn't know how to move forward. But the memory of her caring and kindness lit the fire of hope within him, and it continued to burn and grow because of her. When he focused on her, he felt the same affection he had for her outside the cockpit. He almost dismissed the thought again before he stopped himself. The hope inside brightened just a bit.
Maybe he could deserve happiness.
Maybe there could be more for him.
Maybe.
/ / /
She was touching him. He couldn't believe it. He didn't understand. She wanted to be close to him. Why? Her hands were so warm. She was so warm. He couldn't process the significance of what she'd done. He couldn't process the significance of her. She helped him in more ways than he could've imagined one person helping another. He thought he was undeserving of so much, but she helped him see that he was. She was so close. He couldn't understand why she wanted to help him. He couldn't think. He didn't know how to tell her what she meant to him. He didn't know how to show his gratitude. For once, he didn't care about what he'd done or what was to come. In that moment, nothing mattered except her. He wanted to hold her. He needed to.
Ben understood what he didn't allow himself to recognize before. He needed Rey.
/ / /
She was tearing him apart. She said no one would ever care about her unconditionally. She said no one would ever think she'd be enough. He couldn't understand why someone so worthy of care and compassion could think of themselves as so undeserving of it. Ben needed her to understand that she wasn't nothing. But she didn't believe him, and he knew that what he'd said about her in the throne room cut so much deeper than he'd ever considered. Her self-deprecation, the harsh things she said and believed about herself, her conviction that no one would ever want her. It was all wrong. What he'd said about her was wrong. He needed her to know the truth. He needed her to know that the cruel words and actions of others didn't indicate her worth. He needed her to know that people cared about her. He needed her to know that she deserved happiness and kindness.
She was tearing herself apart, and it was his fault. She didn't deserve someone in her life who'd hurt her. She deserved to have people who wouldn't give her cause to question her worth. He understood what he needed to do. The memory of her would be enough to keep him afloat if he knew she wouldn't be burdened with the weight of him. He needed to let her go. Because she wasn't nothing. To Ben, she was everything.
/ / /
Rey opened her eyes, and Ben dropped his hand into his lap. She stared at him in disbelief. The raw and unfiltered emotions of his memories, of her, still floated as a specter in the bond. She could read the vulnerability in his eyes. He'd opened his mind to her. She could feel how significant the act had been for him. It was more naked than the touch of bare skin. It was the intimacy that had haunted her since Ahch-To, except more potent and revealing.
But she didn't know how to process what he'd shown to her. She was confronted with several truths that didn't mesh together, and none of it made sense. She didn't know what he was trying to tell her. She didn't know how to integrate what he felt for her into what she'd always known about herself. She didn't know what his feelings meant going forward.
She felt what he'd felt. She meant so much to him, and that knowledge caused a confusing tangle of emotion to clog her throat as if blocked by a stone. But he wasn't staying with her. Rey's heart soared and sank into the crushing depths of despair all at once. She didn't know what she was supposed to feel, and it was chaos. He wanted her, and he didn't. Rey didn't understand. If he cared enough about her, he'd stay. But he wasn't. He didn't care enough because she wasn't enough.
But that wasn't true either. His memory revealed the opposite. He was letting her go even if he didn't want to. He wanted to stay, and she wanted him to stay too. She could just say it. She could say what she wanted, and he might stay. But an inexplicable and heavy foreboding took hold and wouldn't let go. It wasn't a normal kind of anxiety. It felt existential and catastrophic in a way that threatened to destroy her very being. Rey willed herself to push past it, to say what she wanted. But she felt chained by a ridiculous fear that ran counter to what she wanted most. Rey despaired at her senseless conflict. Why was she afraid? Why couldn't she just say what she wanted?!
Because he thinks he's leaving you behind for your sake.
Rey's stomach sank with dread. The idea terrified her, and she didn't understand why. She experienced the truth of his memories, but she pushed hard against the notion that he was leaving out of a misplaced concern for her well-being. No, the reason he was leaving had to be because she wasn't enough for him to stay. That had to be why.
Because the alternative was that he cared so much that he was willing to sacrifice his own desires, and that was far more destructive to her than if he didn't care at all. Why did she feel that way? She was being absurd. Why was she afraid that he seemed to actually care about her? That would be a good thing. Right? It should go hand-in-hand with her wanting him to stay. Her fears didn't make sense to herself, and that existential dread only increased. His memories should've reassured her that she actually mattered to someone else. Instead, they revealed a level of concern that took a hammer to something inside her, and she threatened to cave in under its blows.
Ben cared about her deeply, and Rey was frightened. His feelings and actions were significant in a way she wasn't prepared to examine. It was unfamiliar and ran counter to something integral at her very core. To face it felt like a damning challenge to a fundamental pillar that propped up who she was. She couldn't do it. Something inside her was already weakened and vulnerable. It was cracked and crumbling, and she couldn't risk putting strain on it for fear that it might fall. Rey had to protect it to protect herself. She couldn't confront something that had so much potential to shatter her.
So she turned her back on it, determined to focus on something that wasn't as damaging as a new truth. She willfully ignored the devastating implications that he actually cared and instead indulged in the kind of destruction she was accustomed to.
Ben cared about her, but even that wasn't going to stop him from leaving. She misinterpreted his memory. She couldn't be "everything" to him if he was letting her go. And if she was, it just meant that "everything" wasn't enough. It was the best that someone could ever see her, and he still wasn't staying. Just like everyone else. She was never enough. It was the truth that she knew, and it was masochistic and poisonous in a way that comforted her with its familiarity. She wasn't enough for him because she wasn't enough for anybody. She would always be alone because no one would ever stay.
Something was choking her. Her eyes grew watery as something heavy built in her chest. An overwhelming anxiety clouded her head and a fearful clarity came with it. This was all self-inflicted pain. What was she doing? She was giving up on the possibility that he would stay, and she didn't want to. She didn't want him to leave. She had to tell him. She just had to say what she wanted. It was all she needed to do. She could do it. She could. She could…
But she couldn't. She couldn't because she wasn't brave enough. She couldn't because enduring the pain of "What if?" was more bearable than the kind she'd suffer if he still left despite knowing what she wanted. She couldn't because it didn't matter what she said. She knew that "everything" wasn't enough. She didn't mean enough to him. She never would.
He wasn't staying, and what Ben said next only introduced new confusion and anguish. It felt as if he were probing her open wounds in a callous disregard for her pain.
"The feelings I showed you aren't fleeting or uncertain, Rey. Other people shouldn't define your worth. But you mean more to me than I'm capable of expressing." [earnestness]
His memory revealed a desire to destroy her after they'd fractured on the Supremacy. It was cruel irony that they were finally working together to achieve something. Rey just didn't know if he understood he was helping to make her destruction a reality.
CW: Rey has a moment of panic when she feels that she's put herself into a position where someone else has control over her. Nothing physically restrains her, but she feels that she isn't in control of her own body.
CW: A memory where Ben is confronted for the first time with the extent of Snoke's grooming of him. It's an intense realization that attacks his identity; it undermines a lot of what he's known about himself and his life. This same memory also includes many instances of him disparaging himself with very cruel and hateful language.
CW: A memory where Ben contemplates his plan to kill himself. He thinks of it in vague generalizations with no specifics. This memory also references his belief that he deserves to suffer for everything he's done.
CW: Rey struggles to reconcile her wants with her fears. Part of her distress is that she fears she doesn't understand herself and why she feels the way she does. This is tied up in her ingrained views of her self-worth. She recognizes that there's a certain amount of self-sabotage in her feelings, but she feels helpless to fight against it. Her struggle culminates in her accepting that she isn't "enough" and she never will be enough for someone to stay with her.
A/N-With this whole chapter focused on memory, it was interesting choosing different ways to present the information. I didn't want to do a rehash of the dialogue and actions from the scenes of The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. It was more important that Rey learn what was in Ben's head than what was said.
I also really liked the idea of Ben not realizing the full extent of what Snoke had done to him until he kills him. I thought it added so much to the throne room scene and his hard fall into darkness. I liked the disorientation and how impactful it was on Ben's sense of self.
In the next chapter, Rey and Ben confront the uncertainty of the future. Thank you again for reading! I can't express enough what it means to me that people are appreciating a story that's very personal to me in certain ways. I hope you all enjoy the rest of it. Comments are always greatly appreciated :)