A/N-This is quite a long chapter, so let's get into it! As always, content warnings are listed in the end-of-chapter Author's Notes if anybody needs them.

Ben felt a lightness in his belly and a flutter in his chest as his mind erupted. He shut his mouth before he could admit to anything else. He didn't mean to tell her those things. Reflecting on Rey's importance to him in such a concentrated way made fresh all the reasons he wanted to be with her. But saying it out loud seemed to carry more weight and significance than what his memories already showed. She meant so much to him, and he really didn't want to let her go.

But he had to. With a growing ache, Ben reminded himself of the resolution he'd made before sharing the truth with her. He needed to let her go. He knew he wasn't what she needed. He knew she deserved more than staying with someone who'd hurt her. His heart twinged and his spirits fell again. He wanted Rey. He needed her. But this wasn't about him anymore. His feelings didn't matter. His happiness didn't matter. Not if they came at the expense of hers. He could find another way to be happy that didn't involve her. Ben felt a renewed resolve, but something in him voiced its dissent by the ache that refused to fade.

When his confession tumbled out, Rey's face twisted with pain. She squeezed her eyes shut, and silent tears traced down her cheeks. He could feel an intense and sorrowful conflict raging within her. She looked as if it were taking all her willpower to hold something back. He could feel her [restraint] as a complicated tangle of emotion built behind it. He discerned [confusion, dismay, unworthiness], and it made his heart lurch with sadness. Her eyes met his again, and he felt all the pain that fed the hopelessness in them. That despondency seemed to swallow Rey whole, and her voice came out strained as if it were the only part of her that still fought.

"What does it take?"

Ben was lost and distracted by the despair that he just couldn't seem to help her shake. "What do you mean?"

Rey's eyes darted around as they refused to meet his. He could see her struggle to find the right words to say what she meant, and the misery in the bond grew. Her lips shook as her wet eyes finally landed on his. Her voice was too fragile and small, and Ben felt the wrongness of it. This wasn't the Rey he knew. [appeal] "What do I have to do? Who do I have to be? When will I ever be enough for-?" Whatever she was about to say stopped at her lips when the bond grew oversaturated with a blend of [fear, restraint]. She just closed her eyes and shook her head with [resignation].

Ben could guess the question she left unspoken. Enough for someone to care about her? Enough for someone to stay with her? His heart split in two. His memories didn't have the effect he'd hoped for. She still didn't see that she was already who she needed to be. Ben yearned to reach for her like he had in the cargo hold. But instead of seeking comfort, he wanted nothing more than to give it. He didn't want to cling to her. He wanted to gather Rey in his arms and imbue her with all the care he had for her.

But he already knew he couldn't do that. So what more could be done to show her that she was enough?

Sharing his memories exposed him and showed her some of the unflattering things he didn't want anyone to see or know about. But he did it anyway because his embarrassment and shame didn't matter. What mattered was that he wanted, he needed her to see that she was a worthy person in her own right. He needed her to see that she deserved so much more than the brutality and indifference of cruel people. He needed her to treat herself with more compassion and understanding. She wasn't undeserving of companionship or gentleness or care. She wasn't a silly girl who was easy to manipulate and fool. She wasn't an inferior lowlife that others could regard with contempt and disdain. She wasn't a dirty scavenger from a harsh and soul-crushing world.

She was just Rey, and that was all she needed to be. That was the only person she needed to make peace with.

Ben always struggled to organize his thoughts and communicate what was in his head. But when her sad and desperate eyes met his again, he felt a sudden clarity. He understood what needed to be said. His feelings might not matter, but maybe they could help Rey see herself the way he did. He gathered the courage to let himself speak the things he thought he was incapable of expressing.

"What you saw is only what I can show you. We share a bond; it's easier for you to know what I see in you. But It's not hard for other people to see and appreciate those same things too. You try to help others even when it might hurt you. You're passionate, and you fight for what you think is right. You somehow have so much hope." [reverence] "Your life should've made you as pessimistic as me, but you always held on to that light. You're so radiant with it, others can't help but feel it too, and people need hope." [earnestness] Rey stared at him in disbelief, but he saw a defiant flicker in her eyes as something stirred in the bond. Ben felt a sudden encouragement at the feeling. That tenacious hope of hers was struggling against her doubt, and he knew it was a battle she could win. For all the things that Rey was, she was stubborn as hell, and she wouldn't give up. Ben swallowed past a strange pride and tried to push as much conviction into the bond as he could.

"But it doesn't matter what other people see because you just need to be okay with yourself. You taught me to look past what I felt about myself to see what kind of person I'd become. Be objective with yourself and just look." [entreaty] "You're clever, and you've had the courage and determination to survive a life that would've defeated most people. You're a mechanic, you're a pilot, you're a fighter, and you learned those skills on your own. Jakku tried to kill you, but you always adapted and persevered. You're amazing, Rey." [admiration] "If other people can't see that, they're the ones who aren't worth sticking around for." Like Ben. He wasn't worth sticking around for. He'd told her she was nothing…

Rey's breath visibly hitched in her chest. She'd endured too much pain and hurt, and Ben felt such awe and respect for her. Never mind her combat abilities, Rey was a fighter in every sense of the word. She persisted and survived through so much, and that was breathtaking. But no matter how tenacious she fought to protect her life, she never seemed to fight for Rey. He needed her to believe that she was worth fighting for too. She needed to fight for herself, and he'd be damned if he didn't help her see that. She fought for him, and he would fight for her too.

[conviction] "You're a kind and good person, and you want to see the good in others too. That's no small thing. Your willingness to see beyond the bad and focus on the good in people is worth more than everything else combined." Ben paused as something heavy settled in his chest. "You know the worst things I've ever done, and you could've given up on me. But you didn't. You gave me another chance. You cared about me even after everything I did to you." The words caught in Ben's throat, and he had to swallow past them before continuing. "You helped me see what I was doing to myself, You helped me see how cruel and unforgiving I'd been.

"... But you're doing the same thing too." [sadness] "You belittle yourself and think you have no value, and that's not true. You told me last night that I was worth more than what I could give the galaxy. The same applies to you. You don't have to be the smartest or strongest or most-skilled to be someone that's worth sticking around for. There isn't some quality that everyone but you has. You're not lacking anything, and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. The people who care about you most will stay without you having to convince them." [truth]

Rey's expression fell with [confirmation, despair] as new tears extinguished the flicker of hope in her eyes.

"But no one stays." [desperation] Her voice trembled and cracked, and her statement sounded like a plea. [hopelessness] "If people don't need convincing, then why hasn't anyone done it? If it's not me, then what? How long before it finally happens? What more can I do?" [entreaty] "Even you won't stay," she said with an emphatic gesture. Her words were a slap that stung Ben far more than they should've. She didn't even think she was good enough for someone as damaged and wretched as him. But ultimately, he had to agree. He wasn't worthy of her. Still, her utter despair and loneliness rattled his conviction, and conflict tugged at his heart again. Even if he didn't think he deserved it, Ben wanted to stay. Something constricted inside him, and he felt inexplicable guilt as if he were committing a terrible betrayal by letting her go. His resolve dwindled more, and he didn't know what to say.

Rey suddenly looked fearful in the silence that had fallen between them. Her own conflict raged anew, and he felt something monumental in the bond. Unreadable thoughts warred behind her eyes until despair won. She sagged with [defeat]. The hope in her eyes was gone as if it'd never been there at all. She just shook her head, and her voice was quiet and thick. [sorrow] "No one stays."

I would. Ben's heart lurched as he forced himself to keep the words in his head and far away from his mouth. He tried to hide his pain from her in the bond. No. This isn't about what you want. This is about what Rey needs. She doesn't need someone who hurts her. She needs someone who can heal her.

Her eyes were begging for the relief of something he wanted to give but wouldn't. Ben's gaze dropped from hers. He didn't want his own eyes to betray the anguish that was tearing at something in his chest. He spoke truthful words in a gentle tone that lied about the feelings in his heart. "There are plenty of people who'd stay for you. They might not be in your life right now, but they're out there. Just be Rey, and they'll find you."

Rey squeezed her eyes shut as a small and painful cry broke from her. She shook her head as tears fell in earnest, and her dismay, fear, and doubt swept through the bond unrestrained. They were all so heavy, and Ben's heart sank under their weight. She was so hopeless, and he was at a loss. He only wanted her to know that she didn't have to be alone. He only wanted her to be happy with who she was. He sympathized with that struggle. He understood how hard it was to break a lifetime of harmful beliefs that defined how one saw themselves. He was fighting the same battle.

But she wasn't like him. She hadn't spent most of her life hurting those around her. She didn't need to make amends to anyone or right any wrongs. Rey was a good person through and through. But he just couldn't seem to convince her that she had value. Why couldn't she see what he saw so clearly? Why was it so hard for her to fight for herself?

Because she knows you aren't fighting for her.

Ben drew up short. He was fighting for her. He was trying to help her see that she was worth more than she believed of herself. He was trying to tell her there were people out there who wouldn't leave. But why did his words suddenly seem so hollow? Why did it feel like he was only giving superficial treatment to a deep and damaging wound? He was fighting for her, wasn't he?

… No, he wasn't. He'd already decided he needed to let her go because her happiness was more important than his own. His wants didn't matter anymore… But what about hers? What did Rey want?

She wanted someone to stay. She wanted someone to choose her despite how little she felt she had to offer. She wanted someone to fight for her. Even with all his convincing, her worst fear was still there: She was alone, and everyone always left. He was trying so hard to tell her otherwise, but he hadn't given any evidence to contradict what she already knew to be true. His words were fighting against a lifetime of experiences that confirmed her beliefs, and Ben was only adding to their proof.

"They'll find you"? he thought with scathing contempt. She spent her whole life waiting, and his advice was to just wait longer. What the hell was he thinking for saying something so blind? Ben reevaluated everything he'd said and shown her. If anything, his words and memories only made it worse. They'd demonstrated her importance to him, but even he wasn't committing to stay. What must she think if someone who apparently cared about her left anyway?

But she was scared of you and ran away! She doesn't want you in her life… Right? Ben felt a sudden fear and uncertainty. It was possible that Rey might actually want him to stay. But why? Why would she want him of all people? He struggled so much with his own problems, he'd only add to the substantial burden she already carried. He'd only be a weight around her neck. He'd already hurt her. Rey deserved better than him. She deserved someone who wouldn't add to her troubles with self-worth by belittling her and telling her she's nothing.

Would you still say those things to her now? Not the man you were, but the man you are.

… No, he wouldn't, and he actually felt certain of it. He knew now what those things meant to her. He knew how cruel and destructive his words had been. He didn't want to hurt her in that way. He didn't want to cause her any pain ever again. He let his fears, anger, and powerlessness block out what he'd been doing to her in the throne room. Kylo Ren had been blind to her suffering. But Ben Solo saw it clearly. He wasn't the same man he was when they first met eight months ago. Ben had to remind himself of the objective truth he was just beginning to learn: He was a better person than who he'd been.

"You deserve a chance to prove that you're a better man, not just to those you've hurt, but to yourself too."

He'd made mistakes with Rey, and he knew he had to make amends for them. But he couldn't condemn his future self. He couldn't judge himself for actions he hadn't yet taken or words he hadn't yet said. That was part of what sent him down his self-destructive path to begin with. He had to show himself compassion. He had to trust that the man he was now wouldn't make the same mistakes as the man he'd been. He had to give himself the chance to prove he was better.

The fire of hope dimmed when he'd resolved to let her go. But it grew in strength again at the thought that Rey might want him to stay and that he might actually deserve to. Ben couldn't help but draw closer to its light and warmth. He thought of how she inspired his hope. He thought of her actions in the cargo hold. He thought of what she'd said and what he'd felt from her in the bond.

"You want me around, and then you don't. You pull me in only to push me away."

He thought of Rey's powerful relief and desire when he held her. They weren't the feelings of someone who wanted distance. They were earnest and tinged with so much want. Ben felt a lightness in his head at the memory. He was still to blame for some of her feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. But maybe not all of this was his fault. Maybe he wasn't even the reason for her panic in the cargo hold. Ben didn't know what could've caused it. But if something else were responsible, maybe she didn't run away because of him. Maybe she wanted to be with him after all. The hope in his chest fanned and brightened, and he wanted to be consumed in its flames. But fear grew alongside it.

He was pushing her away now, and he didn't want to. Anxiety gripped Ben with sudden ferocity. What was he doing? If she wanted him, he was letting the reasons for his guilt hurt her all over again. Rey's sadness was overwhelming the bond as she quietly cried, and it only intensified his feelings. No, he really didn't want to let her go. He'd only resolved to do it because he'd made assumptions about what she wanted and needed. But if he were wrong… Ben wanted to be with her. He wanted to show her that he was someone who cared about her and wanted to stay. He wanted to be one of those people she was waiting for. He wanted her to be happy.

But he wanted to be happy too. She'd told him he could have happiness. She said he was allowed to want things despite how undeserving he felt. Staying with Rey would definitely make him happy, yet he was forcing himself to forfeit the opportunity.

Ben was struck with a sudden realization. In his attempt to do the right thing, he'd reverted to a familiar way of thinking that was both cruel and punitive: What he wanted didn't matter. What he wanted, he didn't deserve. It was the same self-imposed retribution he struggled with for so long. Ben was punishing himself for what he'd done under the pretense of being selfless. He needed to seek forgiveness not punishment. He was judging himself by the old metric of who he'd been versus who he was now and who he might become. He thought he wasn't good enough for her. But maybe he could be. Maybe one day he'd be the man Rey needed and deserved. Maybe over time he could prove he was worthy of her. And maybe he was wrong about what she wanted now. Maybe their wants didn't cancel each other out. Maybe they aligned. He only had to ask, and he'd have his answer.

But Ben was afraid. Her rejection from the throne room was a wound that left him scarred, and he feared the pain its reopening would cause. But he could feel Rey's desolation, and a powerful resolve grew inside him. He didn't want her to hurt. He didn't want her to be alone. He wanted to be someone she could lean on for comfort.

[gentleness] "Rey." She opened her eyes, and Ben wanted to take away the anguish he saw in them. He wanted to erase all the doubt and all the pain and all the worthlessness she'd ever felt. He knew he couldn't actually do that. He couldn't change her past. But at least he could try to change her future.

"I'm sorry." [regret, entreaty] "I'm saying everything wrong. I'm doing this wrong. I still have so much to work through with everything in me…" Ben shook his head as a sudden weariness fell over him. "I'm a disaster, and I have been for a very long time. I'm only just beginning to learn how to not hate myself." He huffed a humorless laugh as tears pricked the corners of his eyes. He remembered what that hatred had done to him, and he felt a renewed anguish. Ben dropped his gaze from Rey's in a fruitless attempt to prevent her from experiencing it too. He continued quietly, "I'm only just beginning to understand that I'm allowed to want things. I'm still trying to figure out how to live with myself in a way that's actually sustainable." Ben's vision clouded as his sadness mingled with Rey's in the bond. "I'm sorry you have to experience my growing pains too." [remorse]

He brought his eyes up to meet hers, and his tears finally fell at the heartache he saw in them. [guilt] "I'm so sorry. For everything I've done to you and everything you suffered on your own. You don't deserve any of the things you've gone through. You deserve to be happy. You deserve all the things you couldn't have and all the things you thought you were unworthy of. I'm sorry I made that struggle worse with what I've said and done." [devastation] "I'm so sorry, Rey." His words choked out in a feeble plea for forgiveness. Rey's face twisted, and her pain struck Ben like a physical blow. He knew his sorrow was intensifying hers, but he couldn't hold the feeling back. Their misery joined to flood the bond, and they drowned in it.

Ben wanted to be cleansed of everything. His sins, his pain. He wanted it all to wash away so that he might start anew. But that wasn't possible. The past was indelible, and his wrongs were a stain that could never be erased. Ben could only cry as the guilt weighed too heavy for him to carry. It wasn't just Rey. He cried for everyone. His father, his mother, the people he'd killed, and the countless others he'd hurt throughout his destructive life. All that pain was his fault. He just hoped the living would have the mercy to absolve him. An apology wasn't much, but it was all he could do to make amends to Rey in that moment. His words meant everything and nothing. He poured his entire being into them, but they just didn't seem enough. He cried for what little he could do to make things right. She deserved so much more than words alone.

[worry, compassion, resolve, assistance] Ben felt a wavering warmth in the bond, and he became aware of the pounding in his head and the sounds coming from deep in his chest. His gaze met hers, and the care and concern he saw in them momentarily diminished his guilt to something small. Rey's pain was clear in her sorrowful eyes and deep frown. Its heaviness sat as an oppressive weight in the bond. He could feel how much it took for her to keep it at a manageable level, but she was reaching out to comfort him anyway. His heart stilled as she helped ease the pain that he'd caused. Ben could only hope to one day be someone as strong and selfless as her. The look in her eyes made him believe that no one could ever be lost if people like Rey were there to bring them home.

Something came to life in Ben's chest as if it were only waiting to be called upon. It filled him with a strange and fierce resolve he couldn't identify. It danced at the back of his mind as if he'd known it once upon a time but had forgotten. It made him think of safety and belonging. It made him think of warmth and care. It made him think of promises. It made him think of Rey. It gave him hope. It reminded him of what he needed to do.

Ben latched onto the mysterious resolve. Combined with Rey's warmth, he managed to pull himself back from the sorrow. Ben swallowed his sobs as he wiped the snot from his nose, and he didn't care how undignified or childish it seemed. He'd always been consumed by the things that crowded the space in his head. He knew the universe was bigger than him, but the pull of his own thoughts and fears always turned him inward. Yet something about Rey made him think outside himself. She was putting his well-being ahead of her own, and he wanted to do the same for her.

[apology, assistance] He slowed his breathing and pushed an unsteady but growing calm into the bond. He saw and felt some tension unwind from her body as a small [relief, gratitude] fought through the pain. Ben wiped more tears from his face and said, "It's the least I can do. It was my fault anyway."

Her sad eyes studied his. "I already forgave you." Her voice was quiet, but it boomed like a powerful edict in Ben's heart. He felt something massive shift beneath him as if a gravitational axis had changed. Rey swiped at her cheeks as she dropped her gaze from his. "Maybe not for everything. What you said still hurts. But that doesn't mean I can't forgive you." Her eyes met his again, and he saw more tears welling inside them. "I know you feel bad for what you said to me. And I understand now what the darkness was doing to you in the throne room. I had no idea what you were going through, Ben." [sorrow]

[guilt, insistence] "It's not an excuse-"

"No, it's not. But I understand where those words came from. And what you were trying to tell me about my parents was the truth." A sudden and oppressive heaviness grew in the bond, and Ben felt an acute pain from Rey. It quickly sank beneath her other emotions as [restraint] flared again. Her eyes focused on his, and an intense dread settled in his stomach. Tears fell as she admitted in a strangled voice, "I'm hiding things from myself." [fear]

"I don't know how to face the things that scare me most. And some are things that shouldn't scare me." [dismay] "I don't know how to be with… people," she said with a helpless gesture. "I've always felt separate from everyone else, and I don't know how to change that." Rey swallowed as a new wave of tears fell. She shook her head and laid bare a confession that strained her words and the bond. "I don't know how to have what I want. I don't feel like an actual person, and I'm scared I don't understand myself." [helplessness] Ben felt an intense anxiety building in her. Rey was so frightened, and it scared him too. "There's something wrong with me." [certainty, desperation]

[sorrow, appeal] "There's nothing wrong with you, Rey."

"There is. Normal people aren't like this. I want… But I can't-" [frustration, despair] Ben could almost see the words that fought and died on her lips. Rey clenched her eyes shut as her hands balled into tight fists. "I'm just so-" [fear]. She was so distraught, and Ben's resolve burned with renewed urgency.

She was adrift in her fears and doubts, and he wanted to give her an anchor. He wanted her to find a safety net in someone other than herself. He didn't want her to carry so much weight on her own. He wanted her to have someone she could trust to share the burden. He wanted her to have the constancy she'd never had. Whatever might come and whatever she struggled with, he wanted to be someone who supported her and gave her what she needed. She didn't have to be alone, and he wanted to ensure that. In his fear and guilt, he hadn't told her what was most-important. He had to find his own courage. Because Rey was worth every bit of it that he could muster.

"Rey." Her eyes met his again, and he tried to imbue the bond with as much warmth as he could. "I know you're afraid." [empathy] "I know you're afraid that no one will stick around for you. And I know you're afraid of letting someone close too. You're afraid they won't like what they see if they get to know you. You're afraid there's some standard you'll never meet, and you think they won't want you because of it. I know what it all feels like because I feel that way too." [fear] His voice broke as tears pricked his eyes again. "You've suffered the ugliest parts of me, and I didn't think I deserved to stay after everything I put you through. I thought you'd be better off without me in your life." Her uncertain eyes darted between his. He might have been wrong that she wanted him to stay, and his trepidation grew again. He was so afraid of her rejection. But for Rey, for himself, he could master his fear. Ben said what he wanted most and hoped it was what she wanted too.

[vulnerability, sincerity] "If you let me, I want to be someone who stays with you." Rey sucked in a breath as something large grew in the bond with fierce intensity. It overshadowed the pain and sadness, and Ben felt it looming over him like a cresting wave. He saw that same emotion in her eyes, and he was suddenly afraid of what else he'd see in them. He looked at his trembling hands and swallowed before saying, "I don't know why the Force connected us. I don't know if I'll ever be the kind of man you deserve to be bonded with. But I want to be that man." [earnestness] His lip shook as he met her eyes again. "I want to give you the care and belonging that you make me feel when I'm with you."

A choked sound came from Rey's throat as more tears slid down her face. A powerful hope mixed with her disbelief, and the ever-present [restraint] in the bond wavered and weakened to the thinnest sliver. Ben's own tears fell again, and his eyes dropped to the scar she received when they fought side-by-side in the throne room. It was proof that she'd believed in him even then. It was proof that she'd had the courage to fight for him. She had the courage to fight for a future she'd seen when she reached out to him. He wanted to have that courage to fight for the one he now wanted with Rey.

Ben reached out. His breath caught at the shock that passed through them as he wrapped his hand over the scar. He gave her arm a gentle squeeze as the fire in his chest burned like an inferno. He concentrated on that strange unknown resolve again and pushed the feeling into the bond. Its promises of warmth and belonging overtook their fears and doubts. His hopeful eyes met Rey's stunned ones as her breath came out shallow and quick.

"You should be kinder to yourself, Rey. Who you are is more than enough."

He was offering to stay, and she knew it was the truth. There was so much conviction in his words and the bond, and it caused something massive to grow inside her. Rey was suddenly terrified by the feeling. It unmoored her, and she seemed to drift rudderless without control. She needed to give herself stability. She needed to concentrate on something physical, anything to prevent herself from being swept away. Rey could only focus on the feel of Ben's hand. It was light and radiated compassion.

The heaviness in her chest spilled over. Her face twisted and she whimpered. It was utterly embarrassing and humiliating. She felt pathetic for the way his touch made her crumble. Why did it do this to her? Why did it flood her with such a painful wave of relief? And why did that relief feel like it had the potential to drown her? Rey gripped his hand in hers with an urgency and strength that frightened her. She needed to control herself. She was allowing whatever this feeling was to take over her. She was letting it tear down the formidable walls she'd built around her. She needed to keep them standing. She needed to protect herself. She needed- She needed...

The cries started small until great sobs wracked her body. All of Rey's willpower abandoned her. No longer bound by her restraint, the fear and hopelessness she'd hidden even from herself rushed out. She tried to prevent their escape, but she was powerless to contain them. They were laid bare for Ben to see and feel, and Rey was ashamed. She wasn't in control of herself. She was being weak in front of him when she only wanted to appear strong. She didn't want him to think less of her. She didn't want him to pity her. She didn't want him to judge her for how a simple touch was destroying her.

Ben's warm hand wrapped a little tighter as his gentle voice broke through the cries and embarrassment she shrouded herself in.

"Please don't feel that way." [reassurance, acceptance] What he did was so simple. What he said was so simple. But that was all it took. Without any conscious thought, Rey gave up trying to hold anything back and just… let go. She stopped trying to prop up the crumbling walls that protected her. She let herself fall apart. She let herself feel the things she'd numbed for fear of what they'd do to her. She let herself be someone who was in pain and devastated and relieved and overwhelmed. Rey let it all take hold of her. She didn't fight against their havoc as they oppressed and liberated her in equal measure. Her mind tumbled through the thrashing, and a long-buried truth rose out of the churn.

It was one that she'd always known but had kept hidden away. Ben forced it into the open eight months ago, but she'd still refused to confront it. It was too large and damaging to face, and she wasn't ready to grapple with what it meant. So she denied its importance. She condensed it to a smaller truth, one that became just another piece of mundane information like the travel time between stars. Rey pushed the larger truth to a dark corner of her mind where she wouldn't have to face its implications. But now it was unearthed and scattered before her like the detritus in the wake of a violent storm. She saw the truth laid out in all its destruction. It was too late and too messy to gather and hide away again. She looked at what she'd always been too afraid to examine. It seared her with an indelible scar, and she gave up trying to ignore the damage. She allowed herself to feel the pain she'd tried so hard to hide. Rey let the truth rip her open.

Her parents abandoned her. She was a child, their child. But they sold her and left her to starve. They left her lacking and wanting for so many things that no one on that hellish planet would ever give her. They left her to be preyed on by people and things that cared little about hurting and using her. Her parents had a responsibility to protect and look after her, but they didn't. They didn't want her. They only wanted to get drunk. Her parents didn't care.

They didn't…

They weren't…

The man and woman who sold her for drinking money…

… They weren't her parents.

Parents cared about their children. They raised and guided and supported. But those people didn't do any of those things. She wasn't a daughter to them. She was only currency. What they did hurt and damaged her in a way no one else ever could. They hadn't wanted her, and for so many years, she thought no one else would either.

But Ben did. Rey could feel his sincere and emphatic acceptance of her. She could feel the truth of his words when he said he wanted to stay with her. She saw the truth of his memories and their revelation of her importance to him. It all added up to a larger truth that Rey just couldn't deny anymore. She was enough, and she was wanted, and she was someone that people cared about. With Ben, she felt a true sense of belonging. She'd only ever known it as a concept and never as something that actually existed. She didn't think it was something she could ever have. But Ben was promising it. It was there in the bond and in his gentle hand. She felt it the same way a dehydrated person might guzzle water. She was desperate for it.

Ben wanted to be with her. That relief alone was enough to swallow her. But it wasn't just his yearning that she could sense. She felt his overwhelming need for her too. She believed herself to be nothing, and Ben needed her. At the realization, another wave of emotion pulled Rey under. It was all too much. The belonging and acceptance he promised. His need. Even his mere physical presence. Why did such positive things devastate her so thoroughly?

Because he sees you.

Rey had never felt seen before. On Jakku, she was only a faceless scavenger. She was a nobody that no one cared to know. When she joined the Resistance, she felt as if she were playing a role that was expected of her. She was "The Last Jedi." She was what remained of a near-extinct order that brought hope to a galaxy at war. She felt like a symbol and not a person. But Ben saw her. More than that, she could actually feel what he felt for her. This knowledge devastated her in a way she never thought possible, and she couldn't process why.

If Rey were asked, she couldn't explain it. How could she convey the magnitude and importance of belonging and acceptance that she felt like a cloak wrapped around her very soul? How could she explain what it meant for Ben to see her and not mind what he saw? How could she describe what it felt like to know the feelings of someone who cared so deeply about her? The significance of that kind of intimacy was impossible to find in another person, and she found it in Ben.

Rey didn't want to lose that closeness. She was desperate for the reassurance she felt just by being near him. She knew Ben cared. She knew he wanted to stay. And she… she needed him to stay.

Something significant took root in Rey's heart, and an impossibly large fear reared strong and powerful in response. She felt a swift and instinctive denial to her own revelation. No, she didn't need anything from him. She wanted, she didn't need. She didn't need him to stay. She didn't need his acceptance. She didn't need his intimacy. She didn't need the touch of his hand.

She didn't need these things, but something inside pitied her with each thought.

You're a fool. You're just blinding yourself with lies.

She knew the truth. She just didn't want to admit it. The truth and the implications it carried filled Rey with a dread she didn't understand. She fought against it, but her struggle was weak and halfhearted. She felt undermined by her relief and pain. She tried to protect herself with the lies, but they disintegrated until she was left defenseless and exposed. They were gone, and all she had left was the truth.

It wasn't just wanting. It was needing. She needed the things Ben offered her. She needed his acceptance and touch and intimacy and his promise to stay. But these revelations still only danced around the most-important truth.

She needed Ben.

Something slipped inside, and Rey couldn't arrest her fall. A noise that wasn't quite human tore its way out of her chest, and she let it consume her.

She felt Ben flinch with [concern, fear] at the sound and emotion that crashed through the bond. Her hand was a vice on his. Her nails were digging into his skin. Rey was suddenly afraid she was hurting him. She was afraid she was overwhelming him. She was afraid she was scaring him. She told herself to relax her grip, but her hand wouldn't do it. It wouldn't do it. She couldn't do it. She held tighter. Rey tried to apologize. She tried to reassure him. But she couldn't speak, and her cries only grew more desolate. Rey lost herself in a strange grief.

She was so afraid. Why did needing Ben frighten her so much? Why did it hurt her so much? Rey was in too much pain, and she was desperate to understand her fear. But she couldn't understand it because she was too afraid to examine it. Rey felt the familiar despair of her absurd conflict. Her fears contradicted each other, and she didn't even know where they came from. She couldn't make sense of her own mind. She didn't understand herself. The old anxiety roared to life and crashed through her.

She was the cause of her own pain and misery. Rey didn't understand herself because she shut away what she didn't like. She decided long ago that it was safer to turn her back on the worst things that had ever hurt her. Even when some chased her, she always managed to flee. But there was only so far she could run. It wasn't sustainable anymore. She'd hit her limit, and the things she tried to escape were as close as they'd ever been. Rey couldn't run away from herself anymore. She was exhausted and frightened and in pain, and she couldn't do it. She needed to understand the contradictions that were tearing her apart. In her desperation, Rey gathered the courage to face the things she feared most.

She probed the shadows for what she'd hidden away. Some memories and fears had grown teeth in the dark, but she closed her eyes to them. She felt the graze of their claws even as she rushed past, and a terrifying dread sent ice through her veins. She knew she couldn't avoid them forever. But this wasn't the time to face every monster she'd ever buried. She was in search of a very specific one.

Rey found it guarded by two monsters that were both familiar and unknown to her. All her life, she thought of them as her parents. Now she knew them only as the people who sold her. She strained to see their faces in the gloom, but the distance of time and memory made the details shapeless and undefined. Rey felt the old stab of things left unresolved. She'd never get the opportunity to confront them for what they'd done. But even though she'd never have that closure, maybe one day she could find a way to make peace within herself. She was only just beginning to face the truth of their abandonment. For her own sake, she had to learn how to let them go. Rey couldn't let the questions of "Why?" consume her life anymore. She had something else she needed to confront, and they were hiding it from her. With a sad resolve that tightened in her chest, Rey pushed them away for the fear she sought.

What she found was just a small thing that had curled itself in their shadows. But as she examined it, Rey understood the true nature of its devastating power. It was the fear that told her she was nothing. It was the fear that convinced her she had no worth, and that no one would ever want her. It was the fear that put an insurmountable wall between her and everyone she encountered. It was the fear that hollowed her out whenever she inevitably failed to scale that barrier. It was the fear that ate at her when she was alone and had no one. It was the fear that undermined every personal connection she'd ever had. While Rey withered, the fear drew strength and legitimacy from the mere truth that she'd been traded away for credits.

But even as it fed her loneliness, she'd grown reliant on it. She used the wall it erected to protect herself from even the possibility that other people might cause her pain. Confronted with this thing that grew in the shadow of her abandonment, Rey finally understood why needing Ben frightened her so much.

It would mean tearing down the wall that she'd convinced herself was a shield. It would mean staying when running away felt safer. It would mean admitting that self-sufficiency wasn't enough. It would mean relying on others. It would mean acknowledging that intimacy was as integral to her well-being as eating or drinking. It would mean making a leap of faith. It would mean trusting that Ben would stay despite her fears that he'd leave. It would mean hoping that he wouldn't mind the things he'd see once he knew her better. It would mean trusting that he wouldn't hurt her the way she'd always feared if she let someone close. It would mean opening herself up to a frightening level of emotional vulnerability.

All these things terrified her, but she knew she needed to let people in. Rey always felt a severe deficiency that couldn't be met, and she never understood what it was. Until she let Ben close enough to uncover the needs she'd long-buried. After years of lacking for basic physical necessities, she had discounted the importance of feeding her heart.

Ben exposed something fragile and vulnerable inside her. It was hidden under years' of scarring and desperate attempts to hide it away. From others. From herself. But he found it, and she'd given it to him to hold. Why did she trust him not to break it? She never trusted anyone this way. She'd never put herself in such a weakened position. She'd never give someone the opportunity to hold that kind of power over her. But with Ben, she felt safe. She felt she could lower her guard and let him close. She felt she could be honest and show him the things she feared most. She felt she could finally believe for certain what he'd told her on Ahch-To. She wasn't alone, and she never would be.

If it was possible, Rey found herself even more overwhelmed than she already was. The pain she'd locked away had been flooding in to collect its unpaid dues. But the belonging she felt was peeling away the scars, and it was just as unbearable. It was relief in the form of anguish. She was drowning in different kinds of pain that fought to both raise and pull her under. Rey felt an immediate need to diminish the acute agony that was taking hold of her entire body and mind. She cast about for something, anything that could help her. She became aware of a quiet stillness amidst the roiling waves. She kicked her way toward it as the pain weighed her down.

When she reached it, Rey found something nebulous and unknown but lifesaving all the same. It was warm, inviting, and safe. It was a shelter from the storm. The belonging Ben promised was just beginning to stitch and mend her. Yet this was somehow so much more than that. She knew the feeling came from him, but she didn't know what it could be. In her emotional distress, she latched onto it without hesitation. It comforted her and eased the pain of a life that had left her lonely and in want of refuge.

Something tickled the back of her mind, and confusion made its way into the chaos. Whatever caused her relief was eerily familiar, and it shouldn't have been. Rey was certain that such a thing would leave an indelible memory, and she knew nothing in her past could've made her feel that way. So why did it seem as if she'd experienced it before? Where did the feeling come from?

[[I'm staying with you. You'll always have a home with me.]]

Rey's heart stilled for the briefest moment before it hammered at the inside of her ribcage. She was overcome with a disbelief that threatened to sweep her away. The acceptance and belonging. The safety and unwavering sense of devotion. The undeniable promise. They were all reminiscent of the man from her dream. The thing she found in the storm was vague because it was something she'd never had, and Rey didn't know how to define it. But intuition gave it a name just as it did in the dream. It was Home.

Rey waited for it, and it never found her. She'd searched for it herself, and still it eluded her. But she finally understood that she'd been looking in the wrong direction. Home wasn't a place. Home was Ben's unflagging compassion and understanding. Home was Ben's intimacy and care. Home was Ben's spoken and unspoken promises. Home was Ben.

Rey just needed to open the door. He was there, waiting, hand outstretched. She only had to accept his offer. That was it. She'd sensed his fear and doubt, but he overcame them. He was brave enough to ask her to stay. She needed to be brave enough to tell him she wanted him to.

She needed to bring herself down first. Rey cried the fear and pain out of her for several more moments until she felt like she'd diluted a debilitating poison. She managed to bring her sobs under control. Her chest still shuddered for air, but the purpose of a new desire gave her the distraction she needed. She looked to Ben's concerned and anxious expression as she tried to clear her head. But she couldn't do it enough. There were still too many things in her mind vying for focus. It was a fruitless effort to pretend she wasn't feeling the way she felt, that she wasn't distraught and overwhelmed.

[understanding, assistance] A surge of calm flooded the bond. Rey let out a slow exhale as it worked through her. Ben knew what she needed. She allowed his warm and caring eyes to anchor her. Rey managed a small, "Thanks." Her voice croaked and sounded disused.

Ben nodded and said simply, "No problem." It was almost nonchalant, but she could see the tension in his body and feel it in the bond. His face was etched with lines of pain, and she could sense his uncertainty. He endured the anguish flooding from her without protest, and he was still awaiting her reply to his offer. She swallowed her guilt. Rey knew the answer she wanted to give him, but she wasn't ready to say the words just yet. They were on the other side of fear. She had to make a leap of faith first. She needed to let him in. For Ben, she could be brave.

[reassurance, patience] "Um… just... give me a moment, okay?" He nodded and seemed to relax a bit. Rey closed her eyes and set her hands on her knees. She was terrible at emptying her mind. But she used the calm in the bond to help her to a point where she could focus on one singular task.

She'd never tried to perform a mind probe purposefully, but she recalled her memory of the interrogation. In that room, she'd searched his eyes for something even if she didn't know what she was looking for. Some innate understanding of the Force snapped into place, and Rey was able to search his mind in a haphazard and unfocused sort of way. Now she wanted to use the technique to intentionally share her memories the way Ben did. She just didn't know if she could do it. He was an expert with the mind probe, and even he'd seemed unsure about using it to project into her mind. Rey wanted to try all the same.

She concentrated on the moment when Ben began to share his memories with her. She needed to understand how he'd done it. But she was shocked to find that she already possessed the knowledge. It was just there, a skill waiting to be utilized. It was as if she'd known it all along. Rey was bewildered. It had taken her months of training to learn some of the most-basic techniques. How could she just know this one without any guidance or practice?

She opened her eyes and stared at Ben as if he held the answer. It was yet another bizarre instance of the Force working through her as it pleased. The more she learned, the less she seemed to know. Rey was unnerved, but it was a mystery for another time. She had what she needed.

She swallowed her fear and raised a trembling hand to Ben's temple. [surprise] He followed the movement before flicking his wide eyes back to hers. Rey held his gaze steady before sending [intention, inquiry, trust].

[trust] Ben responded immediately, and something heavy grew inside her. She'd betrayed him in the throne room when she pulled the saber from his hand, and he was trusting her now without hesitation. Rey had difficulty breathing against the weight in her chest, but she had to focus. She knew what she was about to do would likely be messy and amateurish, and a sudden fear and doubt gripped her. What if she hurt him? What if she did it well, but he didn't like what he saw? What if-?

[concern, reassurance] Ben's large hand covered her own. Rey looked down, dumbfounded. She'd been gripping her knee. She could feel the pain from her own fingers. Her hand slowly relaxed under his. Rey closed her eyes at his warmth. New tears fell. He was trusting her. He'd been brave enough to show her his own memories. She could be brave too. She could do this.

Rey looked into his eyes as she dipped into the Force. Shock passed between them, their minds bridged and open. She felt Ben's instinctive tug and pull at the sudden presence of another consciousness in his head. She sensed a fear from him that felt habitual and ingrained. It was tinged with disgust and a reflexive notion that an incursion of any kind was a desecration of his mind. Rey thought of Snoke. She was only just beginning to grasp the extent of what he'd done. She was only just beginning to understand the violation Ben felt from those mental intrusions.

But she wasn't his old master, and she really didn't want to hurt him. She remembered how much she trusted him to handle her own mind when he shared with her. She looked into his eyes and felt as if she were seeing Ben as the frightened boy he'd been. She saw the years of doubt, fear, and shame that Snoke had caused, and she wanted to wash the stain of him away.

[sympathy, gentleness] "I'm not Snoke." He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded with [apology, acknowledgement]. She shifted the hand on her knee to grasp his. She saw and felt some tension leave his body. He opened his eyes, and she managed a small and shaky smile of [reassurance]. Rey swallowed past the thickness in her throat and said more calmly than she felt, "Let go, Ben."

[nervousness, trust] Ben released the hold on his consciousness, and she pulled it toward her. As Rey wrapped her own mind around it, she felt a fierce protectiveness and determination to ensure that he wouldn't come to any harm. [safety] A strangled sound came from Ben's throat, and his hand tightened in hers. His relief washed through her, and Rey almost let it take her away. The air caught in her lungs as something clenched in her chest.

She held Ben in hand, heart, and mind, and it was very difficult to focus. But she knew what she needed to do. Rey showed him what he meant to her.

Her attempt lacked the focus and finesse that Ben's had. It was a disorganized jumble of half-thoughts and memories that collided with each other into a tangled mess suffused with her current emotions. But he understood all the same what she wanted to show him.

/ / /

It was months later, and Rey still yearned for the intimacy she had with him on Ahch-To. She wanted the physical and emotional closeness she'd found with him. In that short time, he somehow managed to understand her in a way that no one else did or could. But maybe she'd been wrong. He'd only wanted to get rid of Snoke. He used her like everyone else, and her heart fell again.

/ / /

Rey didn't want Kylo or the galaxy. She wanted Ben. She wanted the future she'd sensed when he reached out to her. She wanted him, but he only wanted power. She let her hope blind her, and she was a fool for believing it. Rey felt a widening hollowness open inside her as she prepared to pull the lightsaber from his hand. She knew she was about to lose Ben and the promise of the future she saw.

/ / /

She left the cave feeling lost, afraid, and alone. She wanted someone to confide in. The weight of her solitary life grew heavier by the minute, and she didn't know where to turn. She felt a tug of remembrance. It was just a flash from another time and place, but it was identical to her own isolation and loneliness. She stopped and stared into the dark as rain fell. She knew who she wanted to talk to.

/ / /

He was struggling, and Rey wanted to help him. She was afraid of experiencing the same rejection from the engine room. But she didn't want to abandon him like she did on the Supremacy. Her hands touched his shoulders, and she thought of how she'd reached out to him on Ahch-To. It was her turn to give him comfort. When he hugged her, she didn't realize how much relief it would give her too. It was the physical and emotional intimacy she'd been chasing for so long but could never have.

/ / /

He chose her over his own master. He saved her. Rey ignited her lightsaber, and she felt a powerful understanding pass between them. Without a second's hesitation, she spun to guard his back as he protected hers. She could feel his presence even if she couldn't see him. He trusted her, and she trusted him. It felt right. It felt as if something missing had fallen into place. It felt like where she belonged.

/ / /

Rey was furious, and she wanted the truth. Luke sprawled in front of her as she lowered her saber. She was angry he lied to her. But most of all, she was angry on Ben's behalf. Luke had assumed the worst and never gave him a chance to defend himself. But she believed in him. The vision promised that he would stand in the light again, and Rey wanted to ensure that it happened.

/ / /

It wasn't a creature in a mask. It was a man. Something sparked inside her. A memory? Like she'd known him but had forgotten. Still, he was only a man, and he was afraid too. Fine. If he wanted to taunt Rey with her insecurities and fears, she'd do the same to him. But he pushed her out, and her own head suddenly felt too quiet and lonely. Something taut still drew her mind to his. What was that?

/ / /

He broke off the connection, and Rey felt crushed by rejection and desperate concern. They tangled in her head as she cried on the floor of the engine room. She was so alone, and the agony of it was only growing worse. But most of all, she was hurting for him. She just wanted him to be safe. She wanted him to step back from the ledge he stood on. She was so afraid, and she didn't know what to do.

/ / /

He was kneeling on the floor when his eyes met hers, and Rey felt a flash of fury. She was angry with herself for believing he could change. She was angry with him for forcing an impossible choice on her. She trusted him enough to show her true self, and he betrayed that trust. She felt like a fool. She wanted him to know how much he hurt her. She wanted to shut the door on him and never look back.

/ / /

Rey was terrified for him. He was crying and lost in his guilt and panic, and it ripped her heart out to see him suffering. She wanted him to feel okay again. She didn't know what that might mean for him. But she just didn't want him to punish himself anymore. She wanted to help him. He told her that she wasn't alone on Ahch-To. He wasn't alone either, and she needed to make sure he understood that.

/ / /

He couldn't wait to get away from her, but she only wanted to reconnect. Rey could see how much he'd changed since Crait. He'd grown and evolved beyond the man he'd once been. She returned to the promising vision she had months ago. Maybe it wasn't an impossibility. But her heart sank at what she felt from him when he left the cockpit. She was pushing him away, and it wasn't what she wanted.

/ / /

He said she wasn't alone, and Rey hoped it was true. His eyes looked honest, and he felt earnest. She let him know her just a little, and she didn't feel the rejection she feared. Rey hoped his compassion and understanding were real. She wanted to reach out. His hand touched hers, and she felt the promise of their future. She saw them united in pulling him from the dark. Rey wanted to hope.

/ / /

He found her crying and wanted to help. He felt her pain and saw the things that should've proven her lack of value. But he wanted to stay with her. He didn't want her to feel alone. Her heart had been a desert devoid of affection and compassion. He showed her that she deserved these and more. He was gentle with her in a way she hadn't realized she needed. She wanted to be seen, and he saw her.

/ / /

As Rey's hand fell away from his temple, Ben just stared at her. It was as if he were standing on the edge of a precipice and only a slight nudge would push him over. He suddenly felt fragile, and his eyes grew watery. When he looked into hers, he felt and saw something equally brittle. Rey's lips shook as tears traced their way down her face. She said the words he needed to hear in a voice that was thin and cracked and so very powerful.

"You're already the man I want to be bonded with." [gratitude, conviction, truth] "And I really need you."

[need, want, affection]

Ben and Rey scrambled to hold each other. Their bodies met, and they both choked at the contact. It was the warmth and touch he'd deprived himself of for so long, and it felt like it could heal. It was what he'd always needed. Rey was what he'd always needed. She was his hope that lit the dark, and he felt like he could finally find his way. He wanted to let go of everything that had ever hurt him and all the hurt he'd ever given. He wanted to tear down the prison he'd built out of his guilt, fear, and pain. He wanted her to know how much she'd helped him see that he could. He wanted to show her his gratitude.

He just wanted to hold her. That was all. He just wanted to hold her. Ben sobbed into Rey's shoulder as his arms wrapped around her with an urgency and power that surprised him. He felt desperate to keep her close, and he crushed her against him without thinking. But when he sensed a rising panic from Rey, a familiar dismay took hold of him. She was afraid of him. Ben instinctively loosened his grip and leaned away.

"No!" Her voice was strangled, and he felt her despair. She shook her head as [desperation, need] surged through the bond and smothered the fear. Rey pulled him back to her with sudden strength and held him tighter. [relief, gratitude] flooded from her side, and her fingernails dug into his back as she cried. He could still feel her anxiety underneath, and worry mixed with Ben's already-overwhelming emotions.

Her distress frightened him; he still didn't understand its underlying cause. But if she was his hope, he could be her comfort. If she needed him to be with her, he would be with her. If she needed him to be gentle, he would be gentle. He wanted to be what she needed. Ben wrapped her up loose and light. He could be gentle. He projected into the bond the strength of his appreciation to make up for the way he couldn't show it with his arms. Rey just cried harder, and he didn't want to hold anything back anymore. Not with her. Ben wanted her to know every part of him. It was okay if those parts were messy and painful. It was okay if the man he used to be thought those parts were shameful. He knew now that Rey would accept him regardless, and Ben allowed himself to be free.

The accumulated loneliness and hurt of two souls poured out with their sobs. There was no shame, no embarrassment, no judgment. In his distraught mind, Ben experienced the strangest sensation that something was weaving and solidifying in the bond. But he didn't care to analyze its significance or what it might be. Instead, he focused on the definite things that bound them together in that moment. They were united in a shared grief for lives they were never allowed to live. They had a shared relief for the solidity and warmth of finally holding another person close. They had each other. Ben knew that he belonged in her arms, and she belonged in his.

He never wanted to let go.

CW: Rey is overcome with hopelessness and doubt. She and Ben both struggle with their self-worth and what they deserve.

CW: Ben struggles with his guilt over how he's hurt Rey in the past.

CW: Rey has an intense breakdown as she works through the disconnect between her wants and fears. She finally faces the emotional fallout of her parents' abandonment. She also works through her issues with trust.

CW: Ben has a moment of fear and disgust when he's reminded of the violation he felt from Snoke's mental intrusions.

A/N-They did it! I hope the catharsis was worth all the pain it took to get here :)

In the next chapter, Ben and Rey finally find some moments of peace. Thanks for reading! I hope you're all enjoying the story so far. Comments and feedback are always greatly appreciated!