A/N-It should be noted that there are some strong content warnings listed for this chapter, including a brief discussion of sexual assault. If needed, please refer to the warnings in the Author's Notes at the end.
Despite those warnings, I hope this chapter is a nice relief for the readers who've made it this far. You've all earned a break too :)
"Are you alright, Rey? It feels like you're on edge."
"Tired. I haven't been sleeping, and with everything… I'm just exhausted."
"Let's stop. You should get some rest."
"I don't think it'd do me any good. There's a lot on my mind, and I'm too… wired up to sleep."
"I get it. I'm about the same right now… We could meditate. It helps when I need to clear my head enough to relax. Maybe it'll work for you too."
"We can give it a try, but it's not exactly something I've excelled at. It's probably my weakest skill, actually."
"I can teach you."
They'd talked for hours. It was just the two of them, and it felt safe. They gave each other permission to be open and honest. They gave each other permission to be vulnerable. They shared memories and began to understand just what made him "Ben" and what made her "Rey." It was often painful. Sometimes the bond descended into an overwhelming quagmire of emotion, but it was necessary. They needed to understand each other, and they learned by inches.
They tried not to hold anything back. The ugly, the mean, the cruel. The frightening, the shameful, the hurtful. They shared whatever they could think of. It wasn't the quickfire images and impressions that gave them only the barest glimpse of each other prior to the Supremacy and Crait. It was deliberate and intentional. It was patient and sympathetic. They wanted to understand and to be understood, to see and to be seen.
"It's not working, Ben."
"You're letting too many thoughts in. You have to reduce your focus on what's up here and concentrate on the physical. Like the sound of your breathing, the feel of it moving in and out of your lungs."
"It's not distracting enough. My attention always drifts, and I don't know how to push everything away. My thoughts are going to be there whether I ignore them or not. What's the point in pretending they don't exist?"
"You're not supposed to pretend they aren't there. We just want to get your mind to a quieter place where you can… coexist with them. Calm won't erase your worries and concerns, but it might reduce their power. Come on, let's work on your breathing first. We can progress to meditation later. Just don't be too hard on yourself. It took me four months under Luke's constant adjustments to get my own breathing to a rate he was satisfied with. Took even longer to learn how to quiet my head enough that I could focus on his lessons more than the whispers. It just takes time and practice."
"... I'll try again."
Ever since they first met, Rey always found Ben somewhat difficult to read. At times, it seemed easy. He readily expressed certain emotions, and it wasn't hard to judge him by what she saw. But he often passed from passionate intensity to aloofness and back again within the span of a single conversation. Rey wasn't used to experiencing that level of inconsistency when dealing with others. She already had difficulty interacting with people, and his unpredictable emotions sometimes threw her off balance.
Not until they'd truly opened the bond to each other did she understand. Quite often, he concealed the true complexity of his feelings beneath extreme and simplistic facades. What he did show others was often a way of disguising himself. Be it rage or cold detachment, he was always hiding. It was the way he'd learned to protect himself from both the whispers in his head and the ones spoken behind his back. Even when he wasn't wearing his helmet, he was always wearing a mask. But he also did it to shy away from his own uncomfortable feelings. It was easier to feel angry or emotionless instead of confronting the things that hurt him.
Ben was a sensitive man, and Rey never knew the extensive depth of his emotions. She never realized how deep things could cut him. Once, she thought he was heartless. The truth was that he did everything with his heart. He threw himself into every undertaking, emotional or physical, with his entire being. He always felt too strongly. He loved too much, he cared too much, he hurt too much. And he hated too much because of it. She couldn't ignore that part of him. For many years, he'd hated his parents, Luke, Snoke... himself. In some ways, he'd even hated the Force for the role it played in his chaotic descent. He seemed to rage against life itself. But no matter how strong his hatred became, it always diminished to a sort of low-smoldering hurt. It occasionally flared into something destructive. But most of the time, it was more like internalized pain than hate.
Ben told her the truth when he said he didn't hate Han. He used to. But like all the hatred he'd ever felt, he absorbed it, magnified the personal aspects, and applied pressure until it transformed into an incessant pain that gnawed at him. When he was a boy, he idolized Han. He wanted to be a pilot too. He wanted to be carefree and unburdened like his father seemed to be. But when he handed him over to Luke despite what Ben wanted, he couldn't reconcile the love he had for a father that apparently abandoned him. He never got over that betrayal, and he blamed much of his conflict on it. He thought if he could just be strong enough not to care, he could finally complete his transition to the dark. But the confusing hurt and love for his father always anchored him in the light no matter how much he strained against it. He tried to sever those ties by killing Han, but it only made his conflict worse.
His father wasn't the betrayer anymore. Kylo was, and he knew it.
Ben had always known Rey was a survivor, but it was in the abstract sense of knowing the color of the sky without thinking what it meant. All she'd ever done was survive, and that was it. She'd defined her day-to-day by the desire of making it to tomorrow. She didn't care how miserable her life was because it would be better when her parents returned. But they were never going to come back for her. Those empty and meaningless years of waiting only deprived her of the happiness she should've had. She knew now that the life she'd lived wasn't enough. Rey wanted, she needed more than survival alone. She was a withered plant that clung to the barest skiff of soil. She wanted to thrive and grow beyond the bare necessity of living. She was tired of surviving with "just enough." Her memories revealed to Ben a sense of incompleteness. She felt like she lacked so much of what made other people feel alive. She merely floated, adrift and apart from everyone around her.
But she'd never known how to break herself out of that way of living. She was so used to doing everything on her own, it was easy for her to fall back into the habit of self-sufficiency and isolation even when her circumstances had changed. After joining the Resistance, there were people around her who were actually willing to help. But Rey had made a point of never asking for it while on Jakku. She didn't trust anyone to not have ulterior motives, and she wanted to be a stronger person for it.
Until Luke. It was the first time she'd felt desperate and afraid enough to actually ask for help. She pled with him for guidance on how to control her powers and didn't receive what she needed. It was all too familiar and only reinforced what life had taught her from the earliest age she could remember. She had to do things on her own. No one would help, and she couldn't rely on anyone to be there for her. It was better to be self-sufficient and alone than to be hurt by the inevitable rebuff of others. Even her training relationship with his mother was distant by Rey's own design. It was clear from her memories that Leia wanted to help her, but Rey made sure she was always on the move and only occasionally around. She didn't want to risk the development of a deeper relationship.
She used isolation as a form of protection. She'd made a few friends since she left Jakku. From what Ben could tell, they seemed like good people. Even if she didn't recognize it, he could see that they cared about her. It was in their concerned expressions and the questions they asked. They wanted to know and include her, and part of Rey wanted to know them too. Despite how much she pushed people away, she wanted to let them in. She craved the intimacy of close relationships and hated the acute hollowness that accompanied the lack of them. Yet she quashed any chance that one might develop. She put everyone at a distance when she wanted the opposite. Rey feared rejection. She was so accustomed to disdain and disregard that she was sure everyone she met would eventually feel the same way. She avoided making lasting connections for fear that people would hurt her just like the ones she grew up knowing. She feared their contempt. She feared their indifference. She feared their inevitable abandonment.
So she left first.
"It has to come from down here... See how low it goes in my chest...? The breath fills my torso, but it's gradual and intentionally paced. Are you paying attention?"
"Of course I am."
"It feels like you're distracted."
"Nope, I am all focus. Continue."
"Your face is flushed. You shouldn't have to strain to get the deep breaths you need. It should come graceful and natural. When was the last time you drank anything?"
"I don't know. Probably half a day, I guess? I've been a little... distracted."
"Are you thirsty? I'll grab something."
"No, I'm fine. Really."
"Dehydration is a distraction. I'll get some water, you practice."
Rey was horrified to learn the extent of Snoke's infestation into Ben's life. She figured that his master must've had some sort of influence on him, but she'd never known the true extent of his manipulation. Yes, Ben made his own choices. He hurt people, and he committed crimes that shouldn't be ignored. But Rey had a hard time finding memories from his past that didn't bear his master's unmistakable fingerprints. From sweet words and threats to exaggerations and fear, the voices he fed into Ben's mind adulterated much of the way he saw the world and those around him.
As far as she could tell, he was the target of a powerful man who preyed on him for his own gain. Snoke abused and took advantage of a child, and Rey was appalled. She felt sick experiencing his manipulation secondhand, and it made her skin crawl with disgust and anger. Ben had been Snoke's victim. When she voiced this observation to him, she could feel his unease and dismissiveness. He seemed uncomfortable with the label, and Rey understood his unwillingness to see himself as someone that had been taken advantage of. But from her perspective, the abuse was clear.
His memories revealed to her a frightened boy who didn't understand what was happening to him. He had significant Force abilities that he couldn't control and a head full of whispers he couldn't escape. He grew up terrified of both himself and the procession of disembodied voices that slowly poisoned his mind word by word. But he was also too ashamed and scared to tell anyone. He thought something was wrong with him, and he was afraid of what his parents or Luke would do if they ever found out.
So he just… shut down. He stopped trying to communicate and isolated himself in his own head with the whispers that were his constant companions. In time, they seemed to make sense. They seemed to speak truths. When he found out he was the grandson of Darth Vader, Ben finally understood. The revelation explained why Leia was hesitant about him training with Luke. She didn't want him to develop his powers enough to become a danger like his grandfather. But it also explained why Han argued for sending him anyway. Ben remembered the fear in his father's eyes whenever he lost control of himself. He was scared of his own son. Even Luke Skywalker, the man who could forgive a tyrant, wanted to kill his nephew for what he'd seen in him. Ben saw his descent into darkness not just as a possibility. It was inevitable.
Snoke wanted him volatile and paranoid of his own powers. He'd done the patient work of warping his perceptions and feeding his fears over the course of years. He wanted to alienate Ben from anybody that might help him or prevent his fall, and he succeeded.
Despite the voices in his head, Ben realized the ones Rey harbored were a different kind of insidious poison. He might have hated himself in an active and open way. But her loathing was hidden in a self-deprecation that silently influenced the way she treated herself and approached others. It was patient and built itself on years of interactions that she subconsciously cataloged. People used, hurt, and left her without any apparent remorse. So she constructed an image of herself based on how she was treated. If others demeaned and belittled her, then she must be lowly and deserving of the cruelty she was dealt. She was convinced she had some fatal flaw that everyone else could see. She wasn't good enough, and all her faults were damning.
Growing up on Jakku, her survival depended on her ability to learn fast and learn well. She took the lessons of her life to heart, and they helped her avoid potential harm. But that adaptability was a double-edged sword. As the lessons stacked up, there was no denying what others had demonstrated to her time and time again. People treated her like nothing, so she must be nothing too. It hurt less to accept her worthlessness than to fight it. It hurt less to put the blame on herself. If there was something about her that warranted disdain, it was easier to bear than the knowledge that her own parents had been the most pitiless of all. Rey's refusal to see herself as someone deserving of kindness was just another way for her to endure.
But she used one survival tactic that alarmed Ben more than the others. He became aware of it during their Force bonds prior to Crait, but he hadn't realized how pervasive it was until they traded memories. It took him some time to notice, but Rey wasn't showing him everything. Her withholding didn't seem motivated by evasiveness; Ben could feel her earnest desire to show herself and be open with him. Yet he could sense dark patches in her mind that she refused to illuminate. She was hiding things from herself as much as him. Ben had always been focused on the parts of his past that hurt him. He'd used them as fuel for the rage that anchored him in the darkness. But Rey... She buried the worst things as they thrashed and screamed, and they were still alive beneath the sands of memory. It filled him with dread to think about what he didn't know, what she didn't know.
"You're not expanding your lungs enough. Breathe again…? No, that's still too shallow and fast."
"I'm doing it the way you taught me."
"That's not the way I taught you. Here, let me show you… See? … Now, breathe deep enough that your chest touches my palm."
"... If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to feel me up, Ben."
"Focus."
"Hey! Did you just poke me in the head?!"
"Yes. Because you won't focus."
"You actually poked me. How old are you? Seven?"
"No, I'm a grown-ass man trying to teach a grown-ass woman how to meditate, but we can't even get past the initial breathing exercise because she keeps getting distracted."
"Your face is flushed. Are you straining to breathe? Remember, it should come natural. Are you thirsty, Ben?"
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No, not at all. I'm taking this very seriously."
"Then why are you laughing?"
"Because I'm sleep deprived, and you're poking me in the head to help me calm my mind. It's all a bit counterproductive, isn't it?"
"It wouldn't be if you'd just focus."
"You sound exasperated. And flustered."
"I'm not."
"You are. I can feel it."
"Just follow my breathing, Rey.
Rey finally understood why Ben didn't like to be touched. It was just another way Snoke managed to poison every aspect of his life. He used the voices to mercilessly taint the things that brought Ben happiness, and his tolerance for physical contact was no exception. Touch had once been soothing and peaceful. When he was a boy, Leia would use it to ease him out of his distress. But as the whispers burrowed further into his mind, the physical contact he used to find calming became repellent.
It grew worse during puberty. The voices accused him of being a disgusting and degenerate pervert for the feelings of attraction he had for others. They told him he should be ashamed for his thoughts, and that what he felt wasn't normal or acceptable. Snoke was tireless in finding every opportunity to isolate Ben from those around him while encouraging his conflict and self-hatred. That period of sexual attraction was short-lived and painful. He'd learned to suppress his feelings.
Ben disliked physical contact from an early age. But after discovering Snoke had been the source of the whispers, he found a new untapped level of abhorrence. He'd tolerated his master's hand for years, and he hated himself for it. Every time Snoke touched him, Ben knew it was a display of dominance. All it took were occasional brushes of his exposed skin to remind him of where the power lay. He initially flinched or leaned away, but those refusals were always met with punishment. Ben learned to resist the instinctive urge to pull back. His master knew what he was doing. Snoke created his distaste for touch, and he aggravated it to unbalance him. In a silent show of rebellion and avoidance, Ben began to shroud himself in layers of clothing. He was relieved to find it mostly worked. But it also isolated him even more, and that was something his master wanted too.
After Ben killed Snoke, there was no one left who dared touch him. But Rey did with just the lightness of her fingers outside the cockpit. That was all it took to remind Ben of his abhorrence for his master and the way he'd used touch as a weapon. It reminded Ben of the loathing he had for himself for not resisting. It didn't help that her bond with him amplified the sensations of physical contact. He didn't just dislike touch anymore. He was disgusted by it.
Ben could see that Rey's views of attraction and physical intimacy were complicated. On one hand, she knew that people could have healthy sexual relationships. She'd seen enough to know it was possible. She knew that sex was normal and almost mundane. It was part of life. But just as she learned the other lessons that guided her, Rey's opinion of sex was dictated greatly by her experiences. Most of what she saw of it was impersonal and exploitative. Niima Outpost was the only spaceport on Jakku, and the sex trade thrived there because of it. Prostitution was just another facet of the local economy. From a young age, Rey was well-aware of sex and how others usually pursued it.
But she also knew people could show the worst sides of themselves when they wanted it. Sometimes sex was a consensual transaction, and sometimes it wasn't. Rape was a danger on Jakku just like sandstorms and ripper-raptors. Rey knew it happened. She heard the angry whispers in the wake of it, and she heard the drunken boasting too. With each incident she learned about, her views were only confirmed: People used people without any care for how much harm they caused. Even the acceptable practice of prostitution was dubious. A large portion of those workers were either enslaved or indentured. If they didn't have any real choice in what they did, how was that any different from rape? But nobody seemed to care too much about that distinction.
The more Rey learned about the acceptable and unacceptable things that happened around Niima Outpost, the more they altered the way she saw the world and approached others. They made her aware of some of the worst cruelty and harm people were capable of. They solidified her views of how far others will go to take what they want. They made her more cautious of the people around her and more suspicious of their desires. She put more distance between herself and others, and she trusted less.
But despite all that she'd seen and heard, Rey knew that sex and attraction could be a good thing too. As she grew older, she occasionally felt the physical draw of others. But she was wary of someone using her just like the prostitutes of Niima. She was wary of putting herself in a position where someone could hurt or take advantage of her. She was wary of letting her guard down around anyone. Rey hated to be exposed or vulnerable, and she avoided situations that made her feel that way. Even though she would've like the companionship and comfort that could come from a physical relationship, she never would've allowed someone to get so close.
They sat face-to-face as they meditated, their knees almost touching. Rey was surprised by Ben's masterful calm. It suffused the bond, and she could feel the difference in their skill levels. Hers was like the desert on a cloudless windless night. It was quiet and still, but it held the potential for a stirring of sand from an errant breeze. Ben's was like the sinking fields. Unassuming but substantial in its pull and depth. Her mind could sink into his calm just as easily as her body could be drawn into those sands. She let him guide her to her own quiet mind, and the rest of her relaxed in turn. She felt loose and warm. Her eyes were closed, and her consciousness seemed to float freely within the confines of her body. Her lips twitched into a lazy smirk.
"You actually are a good teacher."
Ben was losing his grip on serenity. He watched Rey, his hands flexing on his knees. A slight crease appeared in her brow. She sensed his agitation and conflict. He projected [reassurance], and her face returned to its placid calm, though he still felt a hint of worry from her. Ben worked his jaw. She was so close. He could. He wanted to. But he was afraid of what had happened earlier. He was afraid she wouldn't feel safe. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to master his own body and mind. He was afraid.
Ben forced himself to slow his thoughts. He was his own master. The only voice in his head belonged to him, and he was the one that controlled his desires. The whispers that always told him he should hate himself for his feelings died with Snoke. They'd conditioned him to be repelled by the touch of others, but he was proving he could overcome that. He was learning to frame touch in the context of "want." Did he want the contact? Was he okay with it? With Rey, he was. He felt safe with her. She knew his complicated history with physical contact, and she was sympathetic to it. He knew that if he became overwhelmed, she'd understand why.
He wanted Rey, and he wanted to share the intimacy of touch with her. That wasn't wrong. It wasn't disgusting, and it wasn't shameful. It was okay to have physical desires. But he was concerned for her fears too, and he wanted to be sure she was comfortable. He wanted to give her the choice. She could accept or refuse him, and that was her decision. He just had to ask, and she would decide whether or not she felt safe. Still, he hoped she'd let him. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to touch her. He wanted her to touch him…
Anxiety and desire spiked his heart rate. Before he could second-guess himself, he sent [intention, affection, permission]. Rey inhaled sharply as the deep crease reappeared between her closed eyes. He saw her hesitation in the stiffening of her muscles and felt it in the trepidation that trickled through the bond. Ben thought of the panic that took hold both times he held her. His stomach clenched at the memory of her fears. He thought of her distrust of other people's desires. He didn't want to scare her away. Was this even the right time? They were both tired and exhausted. Would she welcome this after so much emotional distress? Was he moving too fast? Was he-
[acceptance]
Ben huffed something akin to a laugh that was half surprise and half relief. Rey's mouth quirked a bit at the sound before settling into something like determination. Her eyes were still closed. He could feel her apprehension, but the tension in her body had dissipated. Ben breathed and swallowed past a sudden thickness in his throat. Slowly, very slowly, he leaned into her space. He hovered mere inches from her. Her breath was quick. He could feel it on his skin, his body prickling in response. Ben's gaze darted around her face as he tried to take in details he never had the time or opportunity to appreciate. He lingered on her lips before flicking back to her eyes as if afraid he'd been caught doing something wrong.
But they were still closed. Her breath had grown heavier. A noticeable flush began to ink across her skin. Something thick hung in the air, suspended by their shared breathing. The enigmatic force that pulled him to her was undeniable and impossible to ignore. Ben's heart thudded in his ears as the warmth of her body radiated so very close to him. Instead of nausea, a burning want took root deep in his stomach.
Rey's calm was long gone. Two very different urges warred for control over her body as fear battled desire. But although she was compelled to run, Rey was defiant. She knew what she wanted, and she wouldn't allow fear to push her away again. Instead of giving thought to her anxieties, she focused on the sensory details of the present.
Rey felt Ben's breath skim across her skin like the lightest of touches, a phantom weight on her chest, neck, and face. Liquid heat pooled in her belly. The sound of his breathing set her entire body ablaze. Her nails dug into her knees through the fabric of her trousers. The fear that clogged her throat slowly morphed into something entirely different. Instead of creating the urge to flee, the adrenaline in her veins made her hyperaware of why she wanted to stay.
Heady anticipation electrified the space between them. Though she kept her eyes closed, she could feel the closeness of him. It was in the puffs of his heavy breathing, the heat that rolled off his bare skin, the sound of his micro movements as he shifted. Ben wasn't touching her, but she sensed him drawing ever closer. She swallowed at the thought of him so very near.
She wanted him. He'd been right when he said she seemed distracted during his lesson. Admittedly, she hadn't been as focused as she should've been. Something uncoiled in her belly when she watched his naked chest rise and fall in time with the sound of his deep breathing. Yes, she'd been distracted. Rey experienced an intense attraction that was not at all conducive to the lesson he'd tried to impart on her. That desire now felt like a wildfire that was rapidly burning out of control. But she forced herself to remain still and keep her eyes closed.
She trusted Ben to be aware of her fears, and she trusted him not to hurt her. She trusted him not to just use and leave her. She trusted him enough to let him close. Rey's breath caught in surprise. What she was allowing him to do seemed significant. She was readily granting him what she'd withheld from others for so many years. But with him, it actually felt… natural. Easy.
Rey trusted Ben.
Something took root in her heart, and it grew large and complicated. But her attention was decidedly split, and she didn't want to think just yet about what the feeling might be or why it felt important. Right now, she just wanted him to know she felt safe with him. She was okay being in this situation with him. She was more than okay with it. She wanted him to be more than just close. She wanted him to touch her. She wanted to feel his hands. She wanted to touch him too. But she didn't want to push him either. She knew his own fears, and she knew how difficult this must be for him. Though the throbbing in her chest was growing intolerable, she could be patient.
Rey waited for him.
[trust, safety, want, patience]
It was like a divine mantra. She trusted him. Ben could feel the powerful conviction of it, feel the ache of her desire thick in the bond. It mingled with his, and an electric heat coursed through his veins with the intent of setting him on fire. It was all he could do to hold himself back from reducing the space between them from a few inches to nothing. The anticipation was a pleasure-inducing drug in and of itself, and he almost held off altogether to savor the rush of it. But Rey was his true north, and he couldn't help but be drawn in by her magnetic pull. Ben closed the gap, and his lips brushed hers as if to test the waters of a foreign ocean.
Their desire spiked at the same time, and it was like discovering another sense. It felt as if he were aware of every infinitesimal part of his body and every part of hers. Though only their lips met, the other uncountable atoms of his being yearned to meet hers with a full-body ache that pained and pleasured him all at once. A great and excruciating tension built in the bond, and he felt Rey's hands twitch and shift with [want] as if she intended to touch him. But [worry, restraint] surged, and she stiffened. Ben was sure her fingers were digging bruises into the skin of her thighs.
His mind wasn't focused on the task of forming words. He didn't want to break the kiss to tell her she didn't have to hold back, that she didn't have to be afraid for his or her sake. That she didn't have to stop herself from reaching for what she wanted. He sought her out in the bond with the desire to communicate all of this without the aid of language. He felt an abrupt snap in his delirious mind, and he could've sworn something like [[Let go.]] projected from him to her for just the briefest of moments. But he was beyond distracted, and he might've only imagined it.
[want, impatience, relief] Rey groaned, and a massive rush of pleasure poured from her as she leaned up to meet him in earnest. She deepened the kiss, her fingers tangling in his hair. Surprised, Ben met her with equal enthusiasm as her desire heightened his. His hands moved of their own accord and slid along her scorched skin. They brushed the faint pucker of old scars, and he forcibly suppressed the urge to wrap his arms around her. His palms traveled down to the flair of her hips instead. Ben was afraid of holding her too tight. He was afraid of frightening her again. He felt an intense need to feel her body against his, but he wanted her to feel safe. He sent a hasty [intimacy, inquiry, permission]. Rey's immediate response of [safety, assurance] accompanied a renewed tension and desire in the bond. Ben pulled her to him.
They both gasped as skin met naked skin, and Ben saw spots behind his eyes. Their bodies burned against each other. Her heart thudded so very close to his. Her breastband chafed his bare chest. Thinking of what the fabric concealed, a low rumble rose from low in Ben's throat. At the sound, Rey's nails dug into his scalp, and his sank into the flesh just above her hips. The kiss was suddenly frantic and clumsy. The desperation and desire between them became a perpetual feedback loop of pleasure that grew to an exponential and unbearable pitch. A pulsating energy vibrated around them. Ben could feel the hum of the ship, the galaxy, the universe.
In a sudden flash, the sensory inputs began to overwhelm him. The physical sensations, the heady feelings in the bond, the surprise of finding himself in this situation to begin with. He felt an immediate need to dampen the intensity of it all. Just as he was about to pull away, Ben felt a monumental effort from Rey. [understanding, care, restraint, reassurance] fought their way through the desire. She leaned back enough that their chests no longer met. She slowed the kiss, and her hands relaxed and slid out of his hair to cradle the sides of his neck. He could feel his pulse thundering under her palms. Ben focused on her hands as he had in the cargo hold. A creeping calm began to spread through his chest, and he sighed into their suddenly languid kiss. She knew what he needed, and she knew how to help him. Ben felt a powerful surge of affection and gratitude. Rey was his grounding point.
Her lips finally broke from his. Ben breathed and leaned his forehead against hers. Eyes closed, he let her warm body and the diminishing sound of her gasps ease him down to a point that wasn't so overstimulating. Rey's thumbs caressed the skin just below his jawline, and the bond was suffused with her own serenity. As his heart slowed, a comfortable silence grew.
[peace, happiness, pleasure]
In that moment, he felt an intense oneness with her. The Force that resided in him sang with relief and joy at finding itself alongside Rey's. Something in him wanted nothing less than his soul to join hers. He hoped she felt the same.
When he opened his eyes, he found her gazing at him in a way that could thaw the most frigid of hearts. She smiled with [affection] and pulled Ben into a hug. Rey sighed as she pressed her cheek against him. The skin contact that had been overwhelming only a moment before now felt soothing and reassuring. There was no heady physical desire and no desperation or urgency in her hug. It was gentle, unhurried, and comfortable. [relief, contentment] Ben returned the embrace, his body melting into hers as he kept his arms light and loose. He breathed Rey in and found the tranquility that he was rapidly associating with her.
A couple hours later, they sat against the Falcon's curving wall. Rey's hand rested on his thigh as their legs stretched in front of them. They'd been talking, but the conversation had grown more quiet and sparse as time passed. At some point, she rested her head on his shoulder, and he'd leaned against her. Her breathing eventually slowed and evened out in a way that lulled him into the strange realm between consciousness and sleep. His eyes were drooping, and he stifled a yawn that shook his chest. Rey stirred and broke the silence, her voice soft and slurred.
"Bed?"
Ben merely nodded. When he started to drift off again, Rey gave his thigh a gentle squeeze. He found the smallest untapped reserve of wakefulness and folded his stiff legs under him. Rising to his feet, Ben offered her a hand as he rubbed his tired eyes with the other. She took it with a murmured "thanks," and he pulled her to stand.
Unable to keep his eyes open, he let Rey guide him through the ship. One foot followed the other, and he felt as if he were in a twilight trance. When he heard a hatch open, he cracked his reluctant eyes and expected to see the cargo hold. Instead, Rey was pulling him through the doorway of the cramped crew quarters. Ben was immediately awake and planted his feet before he could enter the cabin.
At his abrupt stop, Rey turned to look at him. His fear and trepidation transformed her exhausted expression into concern. She looked around her, and he felt [understanding, sadness]. She turned back, and her gaze softened.
"You can't avoid the past forever, Ben." His eyes flicked from her to the space beyond. His throat was dry, and the familiar guilt clouded in. Thoughts and memories began to circle until he felt a gentle squeeze. His eyes focused on Rey's.
"Be kind to yourself. You don't have to sleep on the floor."
His gaze dropped to the space between them. She stood within the cabin, and he stood without, their hands a link in the doorway. Ben thought being kind to himself meant the slow journey of forgiving his worst mistakes and choices. But maybe it was in the little things too. Maybe it was permitting himself the comfort of a bunk. Maybe it was admitting to himself that he didn't want to sleep in the cold and dark of a storage bay. Maybe it was allowing himself to begin the process of reclaiming the life he'd fractured from so very long ago.
Ben stepped over the threshold to join Rey. She smiled up at him, and the ease in her expression melted the tension from his body. He was amazed at the seemingly effortless way she calmed his doubts and fears. Rey helped him with his monsters, and he doubted he'd ever be able to repay her for what she did for him. But maybe one day he could. Hopefully.
He held her hand a moment longer before turning to a bunk. His progress was arrested when she held him firm, and Ben looked back at her.
"I was hoping you'd… join me," she said with a nod toward her own bunk. Ben just stared at her. The request seemed like another level of intimacy that he hadn't been prepared for. He certainly wanted to accept her offer, but it carried a certain significance that made his heart quicken in his chest. He didn't know how to respond. In the silence that stretched, he felt her nervousness diminish, and a gentle certainty replaced it. She said, "If you're okay with it, I'd really appreciate the comfort." Her hesitancy was gone, but he sensed the barest hint of desperation and fear under the request. He could see it in the faint line that creased her brow and feel it in her slightly tighter grip. Ben deliberated for only the briefest moment before making up his mind. Yes, he was definitely okay with it.
"I'd appreciate that too." He really would. All implication aside, he just wanted the comfort of her next to him. He wanted to be lulled to sleep by her warmth and the knowledge that she trusted and felt safe with him. When she grinned with [relief], he knew he'd made the right choice.
Rey released his hand and climbed into the bunk before Ben joined her. They traded muttered apologies as both of them shifted in the small space to accommodate the other. After several maneuvers, Rey faced the inner wall with Ben at her back. He felt awkward and didn't know where his limbs should go. He folded his arm under his head and stopped himself from wrapping his other around her. He settled for resting his hand on his own hip. They barely touched. A few moments of uncomfortable silence passed until he felt a sudden [resolve], and Rey closed the small gap to press her back against his bare chest.
Ben closed his eyes and sighed with relief. The quiet transformed from unease to contentment. As his heart slowed and the adrenaline dissipated in his veins, he let the feel of Rey's body calm his mind. He felt the same transformation in her, and they shared a harmonious peace.
As the silence stretched on, Ben's mind began to wander. He thought of how much Rey had helped him since he'd boarded the Falcon. He marveled at where they ended up compared to where they'd been. But when he thought of what lie ahead, he felt a familiar fear and uncertainty. The immediate future was going to be uncomfortable at best and terrifying at worst. First and foremost, he had to face his mother. Ben didn't think he'd ever be ready for it. But at least he knew he could lean on Rey for the support he needed. He set his jaw with a sudden determination. His better choices had to start now. Before his anxiety stopped him, he made a verbal commitment to do so.
"I should go to my mother." He sensed Rey's surprise as she looked back at him. He met her gaze and felt a defiance in the face of his fear. She gave him a certain strength, and it was one he never thought he needed. With Rey by his side, he knew he'd be able to make the right decisions no matter how uncomfortable they might be.
Her eyes softened. "I think that's a good idea," she said in a quiet voice. Rey gave him a gentle smile and turned to face the wall again. He felt the lightest [pride, happiness] from her. Ben experienced a strange sense of accomplishment. The only thing he did was vocalize what needed to be done. But in a way, it was a promise to himself, and it was a commitment he intended to keep. He smiled and settled into the comfort of Rey and the bunk.
As slow minutes ticked by, Ben allowed himself to relax against her without any concern for distance. The warmth that spread from her body to his soothed the sharp edges of his exhausted mind. His breathing slowed, and he felt the tiredness from earlier creeping back in. Before sleep welcomed him into its embrace, he reached to turn off the cabin lights. He hesitated before draping his arm over Rey's torso. Ben drew closer to her, and he found peace in the dark with her by his side.
Rey fought the inexorable panic that began to set in. Though Ben only wrapped an arm around her, it suddenly felt too constricting in the dark. She had difficulty breathing under its weight. He tightened his hold and pulled her against him. Rey was hyperconscious of what little movement she was capable of. She was too aware of the bulkhead right in front of her as Ben's body blocked her into the coffin-like space. She couldn't remember experiencing claustrophobia before, but she felt it now as she stared wide-eyed into the dark.
Through the rapid escalation of her anxiety, Rey was dismayed by the sudden reappearance of this fear she didn't understand. She thought she knew the cause of her panic from the cargo hold. She thought she'd mastered it when she allowed him to kiss her. But she realized those fears weren't one and the same. Rey felt trapped, and she had to forcibly suppress the urge to push him away. It didn't make sense. She hugged him earlier without feeling this way. She'd hugged people like Finn and Leia without spiraling into panic. What was wrong with her? Rey just didn't know why her body and mind felt the way they did, and it only heightened the lack of control she was experiencing. Frightened by what she didn't understand, her breath came out shallow and quick as she struggled alone in the dark.
Through the unbearable racing of her own mind, she felt Ben shift behind her. [concern] "Rey?" His voice was unsure, and she knew he could feel her panic. He began to pull away from her, but she realized she didn't want him to let her go. Swallowing against two very different kinds of fear, she stilled his movement with an iron hold on his wrist. Rey felt the sting of tears in her eyes as she stared at the wall she couldn't see.
[desperation] "No, don't." She choked out the plea in a tremulous voice that sounded pathetic and frightened. She couldn't reconcile the conflict between her desire to be held and the need to be free, and her panic refused to dissipate. Ben's agitation mixed with her own. His voice sounded urgent in the dark.
"Maybe we should switch positions. Or I should just-" She felt him move again, and his warmth left her back as if he intended to leave the bunk. Her grip on his wrist tightened further, and he stopped.
[fear] "No." She said it with as much force as she could, but Rey felt small, ineffective, and weak. She just shook her head frantically as tears escaped. She felt frightened that she wasn't in control of her own body. She felt embarrassed by her inability to control herself. Rey needed to be in control. She grit her teeth and tried to swallow the fear. Get a grip on yourself. You're not in danger. There's no reason for you to feel this way.
A soothing sensation flooded the bond, and a sudden resentment grew in her chest. Ben thought she couldn't handle this on her own. She could. She didn't need his pity. She managed to get through life without anyone's help, and she could do this too. She could do this alone.
"Stop that." But there was no force behind her words. It felt like false bravado even to her.
[concern, reluctance] Ben stopped whatever he'd been doing to calm her. She could feel his sadness. "I just want to help."
Guilt smothered the anger, and her fear reasserted its strength. "I know, I'm sorry. But I don't… I don't need your help. Just… let me do this by myself, okay?" She felt Ben's nod of acceptance, but his trepidation was still clear in the bond.
Rey tried to focus. She told herself to be rational. There was no danger. Nothing was trying to harm her. She was being silly. She needed to pull herself together. There was no reason for her panic. Whatever this problem was, she was making it Ben's too. She was scaring him. But she was scared too. Why was she scared? She didn't know. Why didn't she know? She should know. She should know her own body and mind. She wasn't in control of herself. The sound of her breathing was thundering in her ears. Her chest was too heavy. Her heart was pounding against the inside of her ribcage. She told her body to slow itself, but nothing worked. Rey was in danger. She knew it. She had to be. It was the only explanation. But where was the threat? She didn't know. She couldn't do anything. Rey was frightened.
Ben moved a bit closer again, and she felt a surge of [helplessness] from him. It only seemed to feed into her own powerlessness. She just didn't understand where all these feelings were coming from, and they terrified her. Her body trembled, and she squeezed her eyes shut as despair mixed with fear. Something was tightening across her chest and restricting her movement. She couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She tasted blood, bile, and the grit of sand.
Why was there sand in her mouth? Where did the blood come from? Why did she feel sick? She couldn't breathe There was too much weight on her chest She couldn't move She wasn't in control She couldn't breatheShe couldn't protect herselfShe was weakShe was powerlessShe couldn't fight them offThey were going to kill herShe didn't want to dieShe needed helpShe couldn't breathe!She needed help!No one was helping!Help!Help![[Help me!]]
Surprise and a strange revelatory understanding from Ben. White-hot anger followed it, and a despondent confusion broke through her panic. Why was he upset? Was it her? Was it something she did? Was it something she said? Was it her emotions that were bothering him? Should she put a barrier between them? Should she-?
His fury was immediately overshadowed by intense sadness and dismay. These feelings stayed in the bond for only a brief moment before they disappeared too. [resolve, care, assistance] Something powerful and soothing flooded the bond with emergency relief. This time, Rey latched onto it as if she were drowning. She was in danger. Something was trying to hurt her. A hopeless sob escaped her constricted chest. She needed help. She wasn't strong enough.
Ben's calm and quiet voice trembled in her ear. [understanding, sympathy] "Just follow my breathing, Rey." His chest expanded slow and steady against her back. It didn't make sense. If she was in danger, he should be too, right? Why was he able to breathe when she couldn't? She tried to follow him, but her lungs wouldn't expand properly. The movement was too shallow, too quick. There was too much weight. Her chest was in a vice that squeezed the air out of her. What was wrong? She couldn't slow herself down. She couldn't. She couldn't. Was she going to die? Rey was so afraid.
[entreaty] "Be with me, Rey. Don't let them keep you there. Be here." Them? Who's "them?" Were they the ones she was afraid of? Were they the threat? Where were they? And where was she if she wasn't "here?" Rey didn't understand. She couldn't breathe. Her heart was too fast. Her mind was too fast. She couldn't slow down.
The steady rhythm of Ben's breathing broke, and his chest stuttered. He pressed his forehead against her as his muscles tensed in her grip. [desperation] "Please follow me, Rey." His voice shook with the plea, and she could feel his tears. He was afraid, and she didn't want him to be afraid. He was trying to suppress his fear to guide her through her panic, but he was suffering too. Some clarity broke through. This was her fault. Ben was feeling this way because of her.
She wanted to stop herself for his sake alone. She tried to bring her emotions under control, but the panic continued to roll through her unfettered. Dismayed, all Rey could manage was a shaky [apology]. In response, she felt a flash of guilt from him. A concentrated effort and resolve surged in the bond, and the slow and deep expansion of his chest restarted. His warmth and calm flowed through her, and she felt the relief of it. Her panic diminished just a bit, and Rey realized it was possible. It wasn't insurmountable, and Ben was able to help her. He was a shelter in the storm. He was safety. He was the source of the tiny flicker of peace at the back of her mind, and something primal told her to follow. She wanted to help both of them. She could do this.
The hold of panic was strong, and the arm she didn't want to let go of still felt too tight. But Ben's warmth and breathing eventually eased her racing mind enough that she could stop chasing her own thoughts. Rey remembered his lesson from earlier. She needed to focus on her own breathing. She just had to do it a little steadier. Just a little. She could do it. Rey managed to take her first proper breath in what felt like an eternity. She exhaled in a rush, but she tried to inhale slower. She managed it, so she did it again. And again. And again. Rey tried to make them long and gradual. She tried to fill her entire chest. She exhaled in time with Ben.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breath by breath, the exercise gave her a bit more clarity and control. Her awareness extended beyond the thoughts in her own head, and she could feel the pounding of Ben's heart thudding against her back. He was still afraid, but he never faltered in helping her. He was the link to the physical world that she needed. He was her grounding point outside of herself, and her panic continued to wane because of him. An intense gratitude diminished it further, and she could feel Ben's relief as they worked to bring her down. His concern for her well-being was evident in every steady breath he took and every emotion she felt in the bond. Rey had never felt so cared for, and something other than fear squeezed in her chest as the air caught in her throat.
She fell out of sync with his breathing and tried to match his cadence again. Ben shifted behind her. With deliberate slowness, he moved the arm she gripped to align his palm in the center of her chest. He splayed his hand just below her breastband and applied only the faintest pressure. Instead of feeling oppressive, the weight felt reassuring as the warmth of his palm seeped into her skin. He whispered into her hair. "You're safe, Rey. Just breathe." [solidarity] "You're stronger than your fear." Ben pressed a gentle kiss to her head. She felt the lightest flutter of affection at the same time a confusing deja vu tugged at the back of her mind.
"You're safe… You don't have to be afraid anymore."
Ben's words and position reminded Rey of the man from her dream. She remembered the security of his embrace. She hadn't felt trapped with him. When he'd held her, she was relieved, not frightened. Ben showed the same gentleness and care as the man. She'd found comfort and reassurance with him. She could find it with Ben too. He wasn't leaving her to struggle alone. He was helping her, and she needed it. Rey felt ashamed of herself for forgetting the lesson she'd learned so recently.
It was okay to need help. It was okay to ask for it. Needing someone else wasn't a fault. Rey was still learning that it was okay to let people see her at her weakest. She already knew that Ben didn't think less of her for it. Yet she still jumped so quickly to defensiveness and a refusal to ask for help when those fragile parts of her began to show. She needed to learn how to rely on others, and she knew she could lean on Ben. Rey felt an assurance that he would always be there if she needed help. He would always be behind her protecting her from the things she couldn't see or fight on her own. It didn't make her any weaker. She might need help, but that didn't make her helpless. Rey was still Rey. She was still a fighter. She was still a survivor. She was stronger than her fear. With stubborn resolve, she felt a bit more like herself and breathed through the last remnants of panic with Ben at her back.
After a few moments, Rey relaxed her hold on his wrist. Her fingers were stiff, and she knew she must've hurt him. She was about to apologize when Ben rested his palm on the curve of her hip. Perhaps he was unsure if she felt comfortable with his arm draped over her again. If so, she appreciated his consideration, but the position of his hand made something swoop in her belly. He gripped her slightly, and Rey found herself focusing on the pressure of his individual fingers. Her throat was dry as the coiled sensation from earlier grew once more in her stomach. Swallowing, she pushed those feelings aside and tried not to think about his hand.
"Thank you." She forgot her intrusive thoughts when she felt a powerful surge of [concern, dread, guilt]. Ben tamped them down, but the feelings stayed in the bond as an anxious undercurrent. Her brows knit together in confusion. He'd helped her. What was wrong? [reassurance] "That wasn't your fault. It was…" Rey still didn't know what it was. When she returned her attention to the sudden terror that had fallen over her, a weight began to settle in her chest again. Afraid that it might return, she put all of her attention on Ben.
"I know. But you shouldn't thank me." She felt his guilt again, and her bewilderment must've shown in their connection. Ben replied quietly, "Later. You need sleep. We both do." He sounded so weary. She could feel his tension as an emotional distance grew between them. He was pulling away from her even if he wasn't physically moving. Ben's body was warm, but his withdrawal had a cooling effect in the bond. She knew he must be retreating into his own mind as he focused on his inexplicable guilt. Rey didn't understand. He was blaming himself for something, and there was no reason for it. Whatever was causing his distress, she wanted to ease it. She was grateful for what he'd done for her, and she wanted to give him the relief and comfort he needed too.
But also, Rey needed to prove to herself that her body was under her control and hers alone. She shouldn't have to bow to an irrational fear she didn't understand. She wouldn't. [determination] Rey pushed a little closer to Ben's chest and pulled his arm back over her. When his body tensed, she thought she might've made a mistake until his [acceptance] flit through the bond. Rey was relieved until she felt the edge of panic seeping in again. She could feel Ben's concern in response as the weight of his arm settled on her.
Instead of immediately despairing, she stared into the dark and set her jaw in defiance. She focused on her measured breathing and the feel of his skin against hers. She tried to feed the calm those sensations gave her. Rey was in control. She didn't have to give attention to her fear. There wasn't any danger, and she was safe. Rey was in control. She was the one who wrapped his arm around her. She wanted Ben to hold her, and she wanted to lie with him at her back. Rey was in control.
The fear she didn't understand retreated to a darkened corner of her mind that she refused to light. Admittedly, she was just reburying it like so many other things. Rey knew it was an imperfect and temporary solution. Her fear was still there, and it might even grow worse the longer she tried to ignore it. But right now, she wasn't in a state of mind to tackle it. She was exhausted and worn down to the thinnest sliver. She needed sleep. She needed a break from herself. Confronting this particular fear had to come later. Rey made a promise that it would. She'd eventually bring out into the light all the things she'd suppressed and hidden away. For her sake, she needed to. For now, though, she continued to focus on the things outside herself rather than the things within. She exhaled a long deep breath that seemed to spread calm throughout her entire body, and any vestiges of panic were banished by it. Rey was in control.
A cautious but intense relief fell over her, and she felt it like a victory. She'd done it. She was able to prevent her fear from escalating into a full-blown attack. Yet even as Ben's worry waned too, she still felt his agitation. His arm muscles were taut across her chest, and his guilt and withdrawal had returned. The cause of his feelings was still a mystery to her, and she didn't want Ben to hide himself away. She didn't want to lose him to the thoughts that seemed to trap him so effortlessly. But also, Rey just didn't want the emotional distance. He was with her and he wasn't. It was a different kind of loneliness, and she felt that hollow feeling swallowing her chest again. She needed to bring him back. Rey remembered what he'd asked of her during her panic attack.
[desperation] "Please be with me, Ben." Her plea felt like sending an S.O.S. into the dark. She didn't realize how vulnerable it made her to say those words. But Rey needed him back with her. She didn't want to be alone, and she didn't want him to be alone either. She imagined herself reaching across their connection, her hand outstretched and waiting for his. Ben's reluctance and guilt flared again. But then something seemed to douse and wash them away. She could feel him drawing back to her in the bond, and it was like the bridging of a divide. His muscles loosened with a sigh, and Ben's relief was palpable.
"Sorry," he whispered. His apology seemed like it was meant to encompass more than just the emotional gulf of the last few minutes. In response, Rey pushed [reassurance] into the bond and hugged his arm to her chest. He had nothing to apologize for. She felt Ben's hesitation before he drew closer. His thighs pressed against hers as he brought his other arm around to encircle her. Rey stiffened. But his embrace was loose, and she found herself relaxing in the warmth of his arms. She unconsciously curled her body into his, and Ben pulled her in as she felt his [relief]. He cradled her in the dark, and Rey felt safe. At the same time her eyes fluttered closed with [gratitude], he uttered a quiet "thank you" behind her. She just let him hold her.
For some time, their breathing merged together as the only sound in the cabin, and Rey absorbed it like a meditation. Her thoughts slowed to a crawl, and the fog of tiredness crept in as their shared peace brought her ever closer to sleep. She yearned for the rest that would ease the exhaustion of her mind and body. She hoped it would benefit Ben the same way.
Rey teetered on the edge of consciousness. Ben's breathing had evened out, and she wondered idly if he'd already fallen asleep. His arms had lost their looseness and now felt heavy. In some part of her mind that still processed thought, Rey realized the weight of his arms was actually comforting. That was nice. His slow and rhythmic breathing nudged her to oblivion. She was only half-aware of the [trust, safety] she projected into the bond. She felt Ben's chest vibrate with an appreciative sound as his contentment pulled her through the veil of sleep.
CW: Discussion of Snoke's grooming of Ben and the power dynamics he used to keep him under his control. Although the grooming was not sexual in nature, Snoke's methods involved unwanted physical contact (i.e. touches to Ben's face and arms). There is also exploration of the shame and disgust Ben feels for what Snoke did to him. He blames himself for "allowing" it to happen. All of these things tie directly into Ben's touch aversion.
CW: Mentions of sex-trafficking and prostitution.
CW: Mentions of rape. Neither Ben nor Rey were ever victims of sexual assault. But this topic comes up in discussion of Rey's views of trust, sex, and physical attraction.
CW: Rey has another panic attack caused by her PTSD. Once again, it's associated with physical restraint and her feeling trapped and unable to breathe. There's also a small element of claustrophobia at play. Ben experiences her distress in the bond, and he's frightened for her.
A/N-I wanted to give a heads-up that there's a possibility the final chapter will be late. I hope I can post it without any delay, but we'll just have to see. Just know that even if it's a week or two late, it's definitely coming. Hope to see you all at the end!
In the final chapter, Ben and Rey find their way home. Thank you so much for reading! Comments are always appreciated :)