Authors Note: This is something I wrote for an English class assignment. I thought it was hilarious. The assignment was to pair two things, and to think of what they would say if they ever were to talk to each other.
Also, I apologize for any mistakes in this letter. These two characters were written about completely on a whim, and I was far too lazy to look up some of the facts.
Disclaimer: I do not own Albus Dumbledore, Gandalf, Legolas, Salon Selectives, Balrogs, Voldemort, the Grey Elves, Galadriel, Lorien, Aragorn, Harry Potter (although he is referred to as a stupid blighter), Frodo, French braidery, Grindewald, Moria, the rights to all aerosol hair products, and avocadoes. (Although avocadoes are not mentioned in the particular fanfiction.
Getting In Touch with the Feminine Side
Dear Albus Dumbledore,
It has been many years we have known each other. Four hundred, I believe it is this coming Monday. I must say however, your beard is still looking spectacular after all this time. I must admit though your beard far surpasses me in terms of length, shininess, strength, and smoothness. What kind of beard conditioner do you use? I myself use Salon Selectives, but the rather thick texture is difficult to rinse especially in Moria as you can imagine where it is perfectly horrid to wash a beard there. There was a limited amount of water, of which Legolas insisted on using to wash his own hair.
Last week, I found several split ends. Horrors! My conditioner is no longer potent enough for my beard. I have considered purchasing a spray conditioner, to just whip out of my robes whenever I need a quick conditioner job.
Speaking of aerosol hair products, I found a lovely hairspray over in Rivendell. Lord Elrond recommended it. It is scented with a hint of lavender with almond extract infused with Vitamin E. It is also resistant to flames, which is highly useful when you're fighting against a Balrog, or perhaps, in your case when Grindelwald or Voldimort are shooting flames at you. I apologize for the crudeness of the magic description. I, myself, do not have to shout, "Appio!" whenever I need to retrieve something.
Since Legolas managed to use up all the water, I was forced to only comb my beard, on an hourly basis. And then Aragorn took my comb to be used as fuel for fire. It was that lovely antique silver comb that the Grey Elves gave to me, as a gift three centuries ago. I zapped him later for doing that. I particularly like Galadriel's comb, and she really does have nice hair, even though she doesn't have a beard. I tried to nick her comb once, (after mine was charred to a crisp, thanks to Aragorn) but she turned all green and swirly on me. Sheesh.
I prefer to comb my beard six hundred times a day. Split into six different times of course, each consisted of one hundred strokes. I know you only comb your beard three hundred, but you're much busier, saving Harry and all. Stupid blighter. I, being the one with far more time, (you have to admit that, I mean, Harry took seven bleeding years to defeat Voldymort, and Frodo vanquished Sauron in just under a year), have developed a far more efficient combing method.
First of all, you use a large toothed comb, to remove any tangles. Avoid using a fine tooth comb first, as this creates massive frizz, which literally develops into a ball of fluff. It kinda looks like a poodle attached itself to your chin and died. Then you use a barrel brush(preferably constructed of Lorien trees) to smooth the beard out. I have a tendency to put on some hair mousse after this, to get rid of those nasty fly aways. And voila! A complete brush job all within a hundred and five strokes.
Oh. My. God. Now that I think of it, a beard is highly cumbersome when you're furiously battling an adversary. I can recall many instances where I have been "caught in action" in my beard. Once, my staff, like, got so tangled up in my beard I had to cut most of my precious locks off. I was sobbing about this fact to the Dwarf, Gimli, and he wisely suggested that I braid my beard while doing anything that requires extreme movement and flailing of arms and said staff. We proceeded to exchange braiding techniques throughout the day. I like the French style. Very pretty. Your gamekeeper, Hagrid, has a very unruly beard and I believe these braids could be highly beneficial to him in taming his beard. You can mention this to him over those rock cakes that you seem to like so much.
Gasp. I almost forgot. I was thinking of hosting a bleaching party at my place. My beard's looking a bit peaky lately, and I really need to touch up my roots. I'm penciling it to be the Saturday after the next. Please RVSP as soon as possible!
"No letters except on beard business."
From a Very Old Friend,
Gandalf the White.