Part One Hundred And Sixty Eight
John slept very fitfully on the Wednesday night, tossing and turning as the dreams almost overcame him. When his unsettled sleep woke her, George would put her arms round him, holding him to her until he calmed down again. It broke her heart when he unknowingly called for his mother, something that she had never heard him do before. John was entirely unaware of his unconscious disturbance, and George knew that it would have mortified him to have known that he had lowered his defences so spectacularly. It wasn't until the early morning that he finally slipped into a much deeper sleep, his mental and emotional exhaustion banishing the dreams for at least a few hours.
When John eventually awoke at around ten on the Thursday morning, George was sitting fully dressed on the side of the bed, having just placed a mug of tea on the bedside table. "How do you feel?" she asked when he opened his eyes. "Erm, exhausted," John replied, lifting his hand to cover a yawn. "What time is it?" "Nearly ten," George told him. Then, at John's aghast expression, she added, "Don't worry, I've phoned both our secretaries, and we're both officially off work with food poisoning. It won't do you any harm to tell a little white lie just this once." "No, I suppose not," He acknowledged, heartily relieved that George had removed the issue of his having to go into court feeling the way he did. As he looked up at her, he could see the slight shadows beneath her eyes. "Did I keep you awake last night?" "You were somewhat restless," She told him, running a gentle hand along his cheek and through his tousled hair. "I'm sorry," He said, wondering just what form his restlessness had taken. "It doesn't matter," She assured him. "Now, I'm going to take the opportunity to catch up on some paperwork, so you go back to sleep. You look as though you need it." Pulling her down to lie on his chest, John kissed her. "I love you," He said, not knowing how else to acknowledge his appreciation of what she was doing for him. "I love you too," She said, leaning her smooth cheek against his slightly stubbly one.
When she returned downstairs, leaving John to go back to sleep, she stood in the kitchen, watching Mimi's antics out in the back garden. The little dog was chasing flies, running round and round in circles in the sunshine. Smiling at the absurdity of canine pleasure, she poured herself a mug of coffee and went into her office, opening all the windows to let in the warm, fresh summer air. Lighting a cigarette, she picked up the phone, no longer prepared to put off the rather difficult phone call that she had promised herself she would make. "Helen, it's George," She said when Helen answered her mobile, sounding as calm and professional as she ever had. "George," Helen said in surprise. "I was going to phone you a bit later. How's he doing?" "He's asleep," George told her. "After a pretty restless night." "It'll probably do him good," Helen replied. "Helen," George began a little sheepishly. "I owe you an apology." "No, you don't," Helen told her gently, grateful that George was speaking to her again. "Yes, I do," George insisted. "I should never have said some of the things I did yesterday. They really weren't called for." "You were trying to protect him," Helen explained. "Which is entirely understandable. John's lucky to have someone to fight his corner as well as you do." "Well, I don't mean to be quite so vicious about it," George said with a slight smile. "I think it just came as a bit of a shock, that's all." "Something like that does," Helen told her succinctly. "Especially if you had absolutely no idea." "I didn't," George confessed. "None whatsoever. But if I'm honest, I'm glad that he's doing it. Something I will tell you, however, is that I don't think he will ever tell you the real reason behind his decision to start therapy again. If the catalyst was what I think it was, then not even you have a hope in hell of getting it out of him. You just might like to bear that in mind." "I will," Helen assured her. "Now, the reason I was going to phone you in a while, is that I need you to bring him back to see me late this afternoon. After such a harrowing session yesterday, it would be wrong of me to leave it a week before seeing him again." "Okay," George replied. "He can pick up his car."
When John came downstairs a couple of hours later, George was still sitting at the computer, writing a report for one of her richest clients. Going into the kitchen, John made some fresh coffee, taking her a cup when he'd poured it. "Thank you," She said when he put it down on the desk. Putting his arms round her from behind, John leaned his cheek against hers, reading what she'd written so far. "Are you still working for that particularly corrupt individual?" He asked in disgust, recognising the name at the top of the report. "Yes," George replied with absolutely no contrition. "Because he pays generously and on time, and because one of the things I insist on when I work for him, is that I get a cut of whatever he can screw out of either huge insurance companies or more recently the DTI." "You're outrageous," John told her affectionately. "I've never been anything else," She acknowledged with a smile. "It's something you should be used to by now." "There's something I want to say," John said after a moment's silence, his face still very close to hers. "I'm listening," She said, wondering what on earth was coming. "Thank you, for not asking questions," He said, appreciating this from her more than he could possibly imagine. "John," She said, taking his hands in hers where they rested at her waist. "If you want to tell me about it, if you want to tell me just what you've been doing for the last few months, then I'll listen. But if you don't, then that's fine. I don't need to know, and I certainly don't want to put you under any more emotional pressure than you are already." "I think that's why I asked Helen to contact you instead of Jo," He said, incredibly touched by her explanation. "When I was seeing Rachel Crawchek," He continued. "Jo constantly wanted to know how it was going, and how successful it was. It's often difficult enough already without the added pressure of needing to make it succeed." "John, I would never have the courage to allow someone to attempt to untangle my psyche, and I am incredibly proud of you for sticking to it as long as you have. So, I'm not about to make it even harder for you to keep going. There's only one thing that I'm a little curious about, and that's why you chose Helen, considering that she isn't a purely professional stranger, but a friend, someone we all know outside of her professional field." "It's quite obvious if you think about it," He said with a slight smile. "With Helen in particular, I could never fall back on using the way out that I did with Rachel, even if I wanted to." George's eyes widened. He was right, it did make an awful lot of sense. So, he had gone into this without his usual escape mechanism, making her even prouder of him than she already was.
After making them something to eat, John decided to take Mimi for a walk, thinking that the simple action of doing something normal would probably do him the world of good. He walked in the direction of the park, where he had occasionally met Yvonne walking Trigger. Mimi was delighted to be let loose in the huge open space that was full of the scent of other dogs. He sat down on a convenient bench and closed his eyes, knowing that Mimi wouldn't stray very far from him, and feeling the soft caress of the sun on his face.
As Yvonne walked through the park, having removed Bell's lead, she caught sight of John, and her eyes widened at the thought that he was quite obviously skiving off work. But so what, she thought to herself, everyone needed some time out now and then. But as she approached, she saw that he looked lost, vulnerable, as though something had happened that had rocked his entire world temporarily off its axis. He didn't seem to take any notice of her as she sat down at the other end of the bench, so she just sat there, waiting for him to come back to the present.
When he opened his eyes and saw her, he smiled. "I must be losing my grip," He said in greeting. "I had no idea that I had company." "You looked as though you didn't want to be disturbed," Yvonne replied quietly. "Are you all right?" "I would be lying if I said yes," He acknowledged grimly. "But it'll pass." "We all have days like that," Yvonne told him honestly. "They usually get better in the end." Looking over at where Mimi was bounding up to Bell, seeing someone who might play with her, John said, "I sometimes envy her, without a care in the world other than where her next meal is coming from." "Yeah, I know what you mean," Yvonne replied with a shrug. "Nothing ever seems to weigh them down."
They sat there contentedly enjoying the sunshine, and John couldn't help but admit that Yvonne's company was enormously relaxing. She didn't ask him anything about why he was there in the middle of a weekday when he should really be at court, and she didn't enquire as to what was bothering him. The thought of having to answer a stream of penetrating questions was really what currently terrified him the most. He couldn't begin to explain to anyone all the feelings that were buzzing around in his head, and he certainly wasn't prepared to justify why he was talking to Helen about his innermost thoughts, and not to either of the women he loved. This was why, he realised with dawning clarity, he certainly shouldn't even think of telling Jo. With all the best intentions in the world, Jo would inevitably put pressure on him to make the therapy work, whereas George probably wouldn't even want to know when he had his sessions. When the two dogs thought to seek out their owners again, the two humans rose from the bench, clipped leads onto the collars of their canine bosses, and left the park behind. "She looks happy," John said, scratching the head of the lively Labrador. "Yeah, I think she likes her new home," Yvonne said with a smile. "Your daughter really knew what she was doing in rescuing this one." "I wish that she would give it up," John said with a slight frown. "Yeah, I bet you do," Yvonne said with a laugh. When they reached George's house, Yvonne briefly laid a hand on his arm. "Take care of yourself," She told him quietly. "Whatever it is will sort itself out in time, that's what happens." "I've no doubt that you're right," He said, inwardly praying that her prediction would be fulfilled.