If all the others on Darwin Ward were treating work as some kind of light-hearted entertainment, Ric for one wasn't in the mood. For some reason that he couldn't explain, the endless banter between Will and Tom set him on edge. In contrast, there was an ominous lowering storm clouded atmosphere between Will and Connie, which set in as soon as Connie came in view. There were times when he felt positive about himself, and was able to handle hospital politics with his mixture of diplomacy and firmness. There were other times when he just didn't want to know, and he longed to isolate himself into a thought balloon where nothing and no one could touch him or reach him.
Unfortunately, he rarely got his wishes granted except for the blessed moments when he could find an isolated part of St Mary's, and have a quiet smoke by himself. Otherwise, his life was perpetually held by the demands on his skills just as much as his surgical skills held his patients in life or death situations. The day to day impersonal co ordinations of skills could only go so far in making him feel that he was held in there in his rightful place. There were times when there weren't the happy endings and he had to break the news to yet another grieving relative. They said that this got easier in time to deal with but not for Ric. He had had a run of them this week, and the demons that slept at the back of surgeon's minds had come out from the shadows and started to haunt him, to make him doubt his abilities. The sort of phrases that he had uttered before sprang to his lips. After the far too familiar red-eyed tears and audible desolation of spirit, he had attempted to offer some form of comfort to them. The words rang hollow most of all to him as he felt that he had failed utterly to comfort himself, let alone others.
If there were anyone else in the universe who felt pressured and worn down with responsibility, he would shake the man by the hand and welcome him into his parlour. However, he felt that the odds of that happening to him in his life were stacked against him right now.
If he thought about it, Connie and Tom were the main sources of emotional nourishment at work. He knew when he was getting this support at work, he felt good about himself. Curiously enough he was inclined to blame himself, not external events when everything and everyone felt distant from him and life took wrong turns despite his best efforts. He was aware of Connie's charms and glowing violet eyes but he felt that somehow they weren't shining in his direction. When he did exchange words, he found himself replying in that same accursed stolid tone of voice, talking shop. He knew that he wanted to cut through the accustomed patterns of behaviour and everyday words, but he did not have the strength to break through that wall.
"Is there something bothering you, Ric?" Connie enquired with real concern. She had known that a number of operations had not gone well with Ric, either
"You know me, Connie. You win some, you lose some." Came the answer with the familiar wide grin on his face. "All right, I have not had my best week but tomorrow is another day"
"I won't quote you one of Lola's grandmother's favourite sayings." Connie murmured.
Ric laughed at that one. He paused as that tantalizingly brief glimpse of comfort opened up. He paused for that second till his pager rang. Cursing his fate, his feet took him elsewhere. There was so much to do, so little time to do it in.
The rest of the day passed its weary way in an anonymous blur. His hands and that functioning part of his mind did his work for him. Everyone else wore their anonymous green surgical gowns and masks and everyone functioned efficiently enough as part of the machinery of hospital. At the end of his shift, he threw off his garb and, dressed in his smart suit, left St. Mary's Hospital behind in the fading sunlight. Everything was someone else's responsibility right now and not his, certainly when he was off duty. Something urged him to speed off somewhere, anywhere. He needed bright lights, excitement, and a boost to his flagging spirits. There must be something more to his life. As the taxi took him down town, he could see young, carefree teenagers, out on the town. They were dressed in the latest fashion, and bent on pleasures without responsibilities. He envied them. They had some purpose in their lives and, as the night was theirs, their lives opened up for them with such promise. The contrast with his own life depressed him as he gave the driver a series of vague directions, turning right at the traffic lights for the second time.
A flashy red car cut past them, bass speaker booming away. It made him curse, both at the driver, the world and himself. His good mood hadn't come up right for him as the evening hadn't worked out the way it should have done. The thought made him edgy, and ready for radical solutions. He made a sudden decision and asked the driver to drop him off down a side street. He leapt out of the car with only a split-second thought to pay the fare and paced down the streets, seeking anything that might catch his eye, some kind of instant inspiration. His feet had taken over in deciding which way he would walk.
Suddenly, familiar, glittering lights stabbed at his vision and his mind connected with that familiar purpose, one place in the world where he knew that he belonged. It invited him in soundlessly. Once past the threshold, he strolled around the lurid exhortation to take chances in life. At last he was in the mood to enjoy himself and, for the first time that day, he felt at home with himself and his surroundings. The spinning wheel of fortune on the roulette table grabbed his eye. The clicking sound of the ball as it jumped and hopped its way to its place of rest was an irresistible siren sound in his ear. The chance was too good to resist, he told himself. He judiciously studied the form with a practiced eye , and instinct told him where the next ball must fall. Red twenty-one stared up at him while all other possibilities faded into insignificance. The space had his name written on it. He was so certain of it that he felt confident in putting his shirt on it.
Two hours later, Ric staggered out into the street, crazed with despair and bitter self-accusation. That unbelievable folly had happened once again in his life as time and time again, he had lost both his bet and his self-respect. Suddenly, those feelings poured back into him to overflowing point. He realized, too late, that he had opened up a hole in his monthly salary that needed urgent surgery to repair. What was worse was the bitter realization that he had broken the promise made to himself never to gamble again. He had let himself down most of all and he felt lonely and utterly lost. He needed the soft wise words of some all-forgiving female presence to tell him that everything would be all right, the pain would go away and that she would make everything feel better. From out of nowhere, inspiration born of desperation flashed into his mind and told him where to go.
"I'm pleased as always to see you Ric, but this is a turn up for the book to find you on my on in anyway," Karen added hastily, seeing him flinch away from her, as if he were some unclean cast out creature.
Ric nodded dumbly and tottered over the threshold. She had never seen Ric so wild-eyed, so sweaty, so distraught and in such a state of shock. His tie was crooked, sweat was running down his face and the top button undone. Everything about him looked disheveled despite his smart suit. She went to put her arms round him to comfort him but he flinched away. She led him by the hand until he stood in the center of her living room, stock-still.
"What's wrong with you, Ric? You must tell me. I'm really worried about you"
Instinctively, both of them moved forward and Ric buried his head on her shoulder. She patted and smoothed down his back while she held him, making small comforting noises that he longed to hear. There was no comfort that he could give himself.
"The worst thing in my life has happened to me- again. I must talk to you"
"What's happened to you? I've never seen you in such a state"
After what seemed like hours, the tension in his body started to ease, and Ric moved a little back from Karen.
"It doesn't exactly suit me to lose my cool as badly as this. You must be lucky or unlucky to see me like this." Ric answered with a brief twisted smile, failing utterly to be his debonair self.
"You're talking to me about dignity, Ric? I know far too much of your thoroughly disreputable past. You would be sure to go out of your way to break any rules about decorum - except, of course, being a caring, upright conscientious registrar"
It was that mixture of banter, respect and familiarity that started to get through Ric's wall of black despair. Karen knew him way back when and it comforted him.
"Was I that bad"
"You've never known the stream of lurid rumours that trailed after you amongst us nurses. I'm sure that some of those stories are still doing the rounds, improving with age. Women talk, you know"
More and more of the tension in Ric's body was being released. She knew that Ric needed, more than anything, to lie down.
"You've come here for some kind of rescue. Very well, as your rescuer, I have a comfortable sofa. Just lie across it full length and leave the rest to me"
He obeyed that mellow voice of hers that had always fascinated him. He had to trust something or someone, not counting himself.
"Want a drink"
"Is it a good idea"
"Just this once, you need one small scotch inside you, and it should allow you to drive safely, even allowing the breathalyzer. It will settle you down enough"
Ric nodded his head at her words of wisdom and reached out for the glass to be placed in his hands. As he sipped at the glass, he realized that Karen was right again.
"You don't change, Karen. Not really." Ric said softly in gratitude to her. He stared up at the dimly lit ceiling overhead and stretched full length, his ankles resting on one low arm and his head rested on a soft cushion.
"I don't normally make entrances like this, Karen.
"A lot of us sometimes do things from time to time that we're not accustomed to do. There's a first for something out there"
"Not gambling my monthly salary recklessly. I had a bad day at work and went to the very casino I swore I'd never go back to. I'm just repeating the whole sorry story of my life yet again." Ric muttered with incredible bitterness.
Karen's thought flitted back to John's worried face and feeling his fears for Jo.
"If you have an addiction, you shouldn't be surprised if you fall off the wagon. You can make amends by avoiding putting yourself in a situation where you might do just that. When you came off work, where did you go and what were you thinking of"
"I….er…I thought I could do with cheering up and that I needed a bit of excitement." Ric lamely heard himself saying. "I just headed off into town"
Karen's meaning look cut through him like a knife. He was suspended on the judgment that he waited for from Karen.
"I'm sure you can see for yourself how easy you made it for yourself to fall victim"
Ric nodded his head with mingled acute embarrassment and a fraction of relief at confessing where he had gone wrong. Karen allowed a decent pause to elapse while she leant over, straightened his tie for him and wiped his forehead with a tissue.
"Can you deal with the practical problems of the money you've spent tonight, Ric"
"I'm not sure"
"Let's put it another way, do you have any credit card debts or any creditors pressing"
"I suppose I ought to be grateful that my credit cards were cut up and I only have a loan to pay back. Everything I have to spend is taken out before I get it"
"So you're only going to have one tight month to go through while your salary comes through on time and you know how much you're getting. You made a big time mistake but it could have been a lot worse than it has been tonight"
Karen's gentle, evenly balanced words soothed their way through his soul. Why had he never seen that before?
"This seems to be my week for dealing with addictions," Karen laughed gently. The smile on her face touched him even if he felt that he really didn't deserve such mercy.
"Who was the lucky guy"
"Oh, just a friend"
"You ought to take this up as a profession. You were always a great nurse"
Karen smiled self deprecatingly. The words 'needs must when the devil drives' floated into her mind when she thought of Ric, John, Jo and herself.