Sitting at the bar, seeing her after all these months caused John's mind to wander back to a simpler time… a time when it had finally seemed that he and Natalie had a viable chance at a future together.
Flashback
John sighed in frustration.
They had finally caught the Killing Club killer and managed to get to Natalie just in time… yet John was miserable.
He hated himself for breaking her heart that night, hated himself for the pain he caused, and most of all hated himself for leaving her behind in the fire.
For the past week all he wanted to do was to run to the hospital, gather her in his arms and show her the effect that nearly losing her had had on him. But he couldn't. He couldn't let Natalie see how much she meant to him, how much he loved her, because if he did there was no turning back.
When he had gone back for her in the Community Center and found she was gone, it nearly killed him. He spent hours playing that scene over and over in his mind, seeing it in slow motion… beating himself up over it.
He had entered the gym of the Community Center and seen both Natalie and Evangeline wearing cheerleading outfits, hanging from the rafters. Quickly, he rushed to Natalie who was still conscious, untied her and moved to free Evangeline. When he got to her he found she was unconscious. Looking back at Natalie, John realized that she had a chance of making it out on her own, a chance which Evangeline didn't have. So, he did what any rational person would, grabbed Evangeline, yelled for Natalie to follow him, and rushed out of the burning building. It wasn't until he was safely out that he realized Natalie wasn't behind him.
Setting Evangeline down, he had frantically run back into the burning building, but couldn't get back in to the gym as the flames had spread. It wasn't until Evangeline had regained consciousness that he had learned that Natalie had injured her ankle trying to escape and likely had been unable to walk. Needless to say, John had been a wreck until the news came that no body had been found in the Community Center.
After that he spent every minute trying to get new leads on Natalie and spent hours sitting in an interrogation room with Ron desperately trying every tactic to get him to reveal Natalie's location until Marcie had finally managed to make her brother break.
He, along with Bo had rushed to that theater… stormed through the doors and found her there, still in the cheerleading outfit, barely breathing. John had gathered her unconscious body in his arms ands run screaming for the paramedics, refusing to leave her side until they had arrived at the hospital and Michael had taken her away. Then he had left, going back to his apartment and drinking the thoughts of her away. And he hadn't seen her since. Every day he called Michael for updates on her condition, as well as bugged Bo every second of the day as to how she was doing. But he refused to go see her, knowing that it had been his fault and hating himself for it.
So here he was. Back in his office, trying unsuccessfully to concentrate on a cold case they were looking in to. But all he could think of was Cristian Vega.
Just thinking about him caused John to groan, mentally kicking himself for ordering that damn DNA test. It had been those results which had sealed his fate, ruining any chance he had with Natalie. John knew there was no way he could enter into a relationship with her knowing that it was her husband who was in jail, and not an imposter.
So instead, he had broken both their hearts and ensured that he spent the rest of his life miserable.
John continued to be lost in his thoughts until the insistent ringing of the phone brought him back to reality.
"McBain," he barked in to the phone, angry to be disturbed.
"Yes, this is him."
"He what?" John exclaimed, his eyes widening in shock.
Much later that night John sat on the roof of the hotel a million thoughts running through his mind.
Cristian was dead.
The warden at Statesville had called, knowing that since John had been personally involved in the case he would want to know. The death had been sudden, it's cause remaining unknown. The ME at the prison seemed to believe that it had something to do with the programming, some sort of injection which had caused his body to shut down.
But, he was dead.
All day John had struggled with what to do. On one hand this was what he had wanted, his chance to be with Natalie with nothing standing in their way. But at the same time he still didn't know if he could do it… be with her and never tell her the truth.
John downed the rest of his beer and added the bottle to the accumulating pile, still not knowing what to do.
Due to his mounting frustration, and the effects of the beer, John looked up at the sky and yelled angrily, "Give me some sort of f-ing sign," looking down at his lap, he continued in a quieter voice. "God, Dad, Caitlyn, Cristian, whoever the hell's up there… help me out."
Suddenly he heard the door to the roof squeak open. Annoyed, John looked up, ready to yell at whoever had decided to interrupt his thoughts, but froze when he realized it was her. John remained silent, just staring at her. Her hair was a mess and she was in her pajamas, but to John she was stunning.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize anyone else was up here. I'll go." Natalie said after a few seconds as she turned to leave.
Finally he found his voice. "Wait."
Natalie hesitated and turned back toward him. "Couldn't sleep either?" Once the words were out of his mouth John mentally kicked himself. Here he was, finally alone with Natalie, and that was all he could come up with.
She shook her head, and once again moved toward the exit. "Please don't go," he said, this time his voice desperate.
Closing the door, Natalie moved back toward him. "Why not? You made your feelings perfectly clear that night at the Community Center. It's fine John… you can't help who you love."
John felt as if he had been hit by a ton of bricks, and watched helplessly as she opened the door and made a move to exit.
It was in that instant that John made his decision.
Jumping to his feet, he closed the distance between them and grabbed her arm. Surprisingly the words came easily.
"I love you."
End Flashback
"Are you ready?" Natalie's cold voice made John snap back to the present. He nodded and wordlessly followed her out of the bar and into the cold December night.