Despite Jo's obstinacy, the moment that George had gone out of the door, Jo could feel her resolution to tell John of her mistake starting to wane. The enormity of the task in hand started to hit her and, in the forefront, were the stacked up images in her mind of how his mother had taken her own life. She hadn't really intended to do the same but, in the cold light of day, she had to admit that, but for George's instinct and Karen's nursing, she may well have not have come through the night. Her sense of logic could not dodge the inevitable comparisons and it scared her rigid.
For the next four days, she slogged her way through her court cases, and sweated through the very real fear of wondering just what she would say to John and how she would react to it. Only on Thursday morning did the light start to dawn when she and George were both opening their lockers to pick up the gowns and wigs of their trade.
"Do you want to cadge a lift from me from your flat and we'll go on and pick up John from the airport. We'll drive him to your flat and I'll disappear while you tell John the news."
"That would be a marvellous idea, George." Jo responded enthusiastically to George's briskly organized plan. She very much needed that kind of helpful attitude even if she knew that George hadn't changed her opinion on her self-imposed errand. She turned round to face George who was half looking in her direction. "I could do with your presence ….I think that I would find it reassuring"
"You surely don't think that, just because I don't exactly agree with your decision, I would turn my back on you and just let you struggle on by yourself"
It was not the place to exchange warm affectionate hugs, as there was always a constant influx of other barristers into the locker room. A wide smile on Jo's face and a warm glow in Jo's eyes expressed all the thanks that she could possibly have given.
It was on Friday that John's passenger jet was due to settle down to earth after hours of being burnished by the fierce sun up in the Olympian heights and not a trace of a cloud to spoil the perfect map laid out below him. Jo and George by contrast crawled along the ground to the busy airport to wait patiently for John's arrival through customs. When they did pick him out from the multitudes ,it gave them both a pang to catch the first sight of a very sun tanned, relaxed looking John. He greeted them with an affectionate hug and a kiss each. It all looked very natural to the casual observers in the airport lounge as a distinguished looking man with graying hair led the way, accompanied by two very attractive blond haired women who were clearly fond of him. It even looked natural enough to George, as she smiled and chattered away to John. After loading his luggage into George's convertible, John was grateful to lay back in the front passenger seat, his hand trailing over the edge of the door and let the sun and the wind ruffle his hair. It all helped to smooth away the discomforts of the flight and make him feel that everything was being taken care of in his life. At last he could feel centred in his life after being away from home.
"It is marvellous to see you both again and such a treat for both of you to fetch me from the airport," John said at last when his luggage was finally loaded in the boot.
"We both know how you are fearful of your pride and joy risking being scratched or dented by some careless boy racer of a driver," George responded with perfect aplomb. "You know they say about the relationship between a man and his car and exactly what part of the human body it symbolizes"
God, how does George do it, Jo wondered, as she stayed rather monosyllabic in the background? She did not mind in the least being upstaged.
"So where in the scheme of things does this very racy sporty car figure in the days of women's equality," Came John's silky smooth riposte.
"The answer to that one is that my car doesn't. It just is"
To emphasise her point, George revved up the engine, pirouetted it smartly to head for the exit and cut her way to the front of the shortest queue for the car park barrier.
Jo sat back in the back while John and George carried on their verbal sparring match in the front. If it weren't for the darkness within Jo's soul and recent memories, this would be one of those lazy, scorching hot summer days meant for nothing in particular, as all three of them had some spare time on their hands for once.
"Oh, I see that we are going to Jo's flat," remarked John as they sped out onto the open road.
"Oh yes, well we thought we'd pop in and drop all of your belongings at your flat a little while later." George answered rapidly with hardly a flicker.
The drive carried on in this fashion. As Jo was in the back seat, she could get away with her silence. At the other end of the journey, John grabbed a light hold all in which he had placed the holiday souvenirs. He remembered afterwards that he had the full intention of showing Jo and George the fruits of his stay in Milan.
Before he had a chance to present his exhibition, Jo coughed fairly prominently and two pairs of eyes were upon her. The three of them were suddenly frozen like statues in the middle of Jo's living room. George looked sideways at her and a look of guilt flashed across her face. A nasty feeling rose up in John's throat that he was about to hear something that was totally earth shattering. It had all been so sunny and friendly, only a few split seconds ago.
"I'll just run your cases over to your flat, John. I think Jo has something to say to you."
"John," Jo started to say in very hesitant tones, "There is something you have to know, something that happened while you were away."
George slipped out of the front door while a very nervous, white faced Jo stood in front of him and hesitated a second before she began to speak. Jo must have fallen in love with someone else, his shrill nerves screamed at him.
"I did something very stupid while I was away. I've been feeling very depressed recently and I've having some problems in getting to sleep….".
This doesn't make sense, John told himself. This conversation had veered onto a completely unexpected path.
"………..so I went to my GP who prescribed me some sleeping tablets to settle me to sleep so I can be reasonably fresh in the morning for work. I made a stupid mistake and didn't check the instructions properly. The long and short of it all is," continued Jo, clapping her hands together,"was that I had a few drinks in the evening and dozed off on the sofa. The next I knew was that I vaguely heard Karen's voice in my dreams and that she was shining a light into my eyes…"
"………I don't understand. I don't believe it……" John started to say in an agitated tone of voice, shaking his head and starting to pace around.
"John, I'm really sorry to tell you that it did happen. I couldn't in all conscience carry on and pretend that it never happened"
"I must be hearing things. No no, this can't be true."
"I would want more than anything in the world to say that it didn't happen but I have to tell you that it did," Jo answered almost in a frozen whisper.
"So when did this all happen"
"Last Friday," mumbled Jo.
"You mean the day after I went to Milan. So what happened next?" a disembodied voice that sounded like his own was heard to say. Even in a crisis like this, that instinct to investigate the truth operated blindly, without any ulterior purpose.
"George came over and fetched Karen and Yvonne with her"
"To do what"
"To give me urgent medical attention"
"Karen? On her own? I grant you that she may have been a capable nurse but even I know very well that she was out of her depth"
"She was on the phone to the SMO at Larkhall Prison to advise her"
The words sounded impossibly lame in Jo's ears so God knows what it sounded to John. She dared not think of this.
"This was most foolish and reckless of her. Surely the three of you, some of the most intelligent women that I have ever known couldn't possibly have acted in this way. Why didn't Karen just dial 999 and go with you to hospital, like any sensible person would have done?" exploded John. His anger had to be discharged at Karen since he felt strangled up inside by his undying love for Jo and the pain that she had put them both through. There was nothing in the English language that could have remotely done justice to the feelings that rose up inside him and threatened to engulf him.
"Because once the official due process runs its course with hospitals and psychiatrists, then my career is blighted with what's on my record"
"Your career? What about your life?" John burst out. "Surely that matters more than anything else in this world. Do you also know what this means to me personally? You know what happened to my mother and why the word 'suicide' has always, always sounded so ugly in my ear, like the ultimate obscenity. It's about who's left behind. It's not fair on them"
Ordinarily, the words and the delivery would have come over as adult aggression. Even while Jo was traumatized to the spot, she had that curious feeling that the John Deed who had shrank into the sofa wasn't the same suave languid man of the world that she had always known but someone different.
"John, I'm really sorry…for you, for everyone whom I've caused any pain to. I must have been selfish and not thinking straight." Jo confessed, her voice choked with emotion.
"You must forgive me for being somewhat emotional about the matter," John suddenly said in curiously calm tones. He lay back on the sofa, looking dishevelled in precisely the same place as Jo had been only a week ago. "It must have taken a certain amount of courage to tell me this. At least you are well and alive right now…….There are a few matters I want to get clear in my head and , as by all accounts, you were only half conscious with all the activity going on around you, I need to talk to whoever was in charge and bears responsibility for the very dangerous position you were placed in. I'm taking a taxi to Karen's and, by God, she had better have some proper answers"
It was the sudden erupting violence of John's anger directed at Karen that undid all the good work of his generosity that John had belatedly trying to do. Jo stood helplessly watching on as John flew out of the door.