Chapter Twenty

"Happy New Year!"

Hearing the joyful shouts which were occurring around them, Natalie quickly pulled back from the kiss and moved away from John as she began pushing through the massive crowd, moving toward the doors which led to the terrace. For a few seconds John remained there motionless, shocked that Natalie had kissed him back, shocked that she had run off.

Snapping out of it, he made his way over to the doors and slipped out into the cold, night air. Natalie had her back toward him and was leaning on the stone railing of the terrace looking out at the grounds in front of her.

Hearing John approach, Natalie spoke without turning around, "You shouldn't have done that."

"You kissed me back."

"That was a mistake." Natalie's words were soft, but her voice firm.

John shook his head. "I don't believe you." John reached out and gently grabbed Natalie, pulling her into another searing kiss. After a few seconds he pulled away and looked into her eyes. "It's not a mistake."

Shaking out of Johns grasp, Natalie turned away from him again, suddenly conflicted. The friendly banter at the bar, the dance and now the kiss, it was all too much for Natalie. "John… I… can't…"

But he cut her off. "I love you Natalie."

In the entire time they had been together she had heard those words only once – the night on the roof when they had first got together. After that, nothing. Natalie had been able to accept that John was uncomfortable with the words, and it never became and issue between them. Until now. Hearing John say them now, after everything that had happened just made Natalie angry. Taking in a shaky breath she turned back toward him.

"It's a little too late for that John," she snapped bitterly. Sighing, looked up at him. "We were supposed to be friends John. How could you keep something like that from me?" she then asked, her voice softer.

"He made me promise not to tell you." Noticing Natalie was shivering, John took off his suit jacket and draped it around her shoulders. "He didn't want you to waste your life waiting for him. He wanted you to be happy."

"And like I told you before, those are Cristian's reasons. I asked for yours." Natalie shook her head sadly. "You know what, forget it John. You couldn't possibly understand how violated I felt thinking I had let a total stranger in my bed, or how much I hated myself."

"I'm sorry," John said.

"The last conversation I ever had with my husband involved me hitting him and screaming that I hated him and wished he was dead. Can you even begin to imagine the guilt I feel over that? Because I don't think you can." Natalie turned away. "All I have ever asked, is why you did this, why you kept this from me – but all you've done is hide behind Cristian's shadow and feed me his excuses."

Natalie turned back toward him and fixed him with an intense stare. "Well John, you're out of luck because he's not here and I don't care what his reasons were. What am I supposed to think John? That you were doing the honorable thing?" Natalie could feel herself starting to lose her composure but she refused to run away. "Because, if that's the case, and you actually thought that you were doing the right thing, then I can't believe anything that comes out of your mouth." Natalie took another shaky breath. "Because if that was the right thing, then I am left to assume that you never loved me, but instead were doing the noble thing in looking after the poor widow whose life you ruined." By now, Natalie's voice had broken, as tears were falling freely down her cheeks.

"Natalie, I…"

"No John, I don't want to hear anymore excuses and lies." Natalie began brushing the tears from her cheeks. "John, you can't have love without honesty and that's something you've never been able to give me."

"Please…"

But Natalie wouldn't listen. Turning around she made her way back into the Palace and once again pushed through the crowd. John began to go after her but was blocked by Rex who roughly grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Leave my sister alone."

"Stay the hell out of this Balsom." John said angrily, breaking free of his grasp. "This is between Natalie and I."

"Like hell is it." Rex yelled as he threw his arm back and threw a punch so hard; John stumbled backwards on to the ground. "I have had just about enough of you ruining my sister's life. First you get her mixed up with Flynn and nearly get her killed. Then you spend almost two fucking years rejecting her as you make out with Kathryn and shack up with that bitch Evangeline. Then, once you finally get together and my sister is happy, her world comes crashing down on her because of more of your lies." By now, Rex was riled up. "All you do is ruin Natalie's life. You always shatter her hopes, her dreams and her happiness. And it was because of you she lost the baby." The words were out of Rex's mouth before he even realized what he was saying.

Knowing that he had screwed up, Rex quickly began to back up toward the Palace, needing to get to Natalie before John did. "Just leave my sister alone McBain." Rex quickly threw open the ballroom doors and took off in the direction Natalie had.

As he stood up and brushed himself off, Rex's words were repeating in his mind, "because of you she lost the baby." John remained motionless, horrified. Suddenly, it all made sense - Natalie's hospitalization after their fight and her sudden departure. Needing some sort of confirmation, John unsteadily made his way back in to the Palace and through the crowd seeking out the one person who could give him this.

Seeing Michael sitting alone at a table, John went over and sat down.

"John..."

"Was she pregnant Michael?" John abruptly asked his expression and tone forceful.

Michael looked up at his brother in shock, "what?"

"Rex just accused me of being responsible for her losing a baby." John replied, his voice low.

Michael groaned. "What an idiot."

"So it's true…." John stared down at the table, a mixture of emotions running through him. Noticing his brother's expression Michael spoke, "John… it's not your fault – the argument you had isn't the reason Natalie lost the baby."

John looked up, his face now stricken. "She had just found out about Cristian, we were fighting… all that stress…."

"John it's not your fault." Michael repeated.

"It was my fault," John said standing up. "I have to get out of here."