Chapter Twenty-Two

After spending the entire meal in silence, Natalie finally began to speak as she stood up and began to clear their plates from the table. "You should go upstairs and change… it really does look like we may be here awhile," she said, pointing to the heavy snow which continued to fall.

John nodded as he wordlessly made his way upstairs, happy for the distraction. It would be an understatement to say he was confused – confused as to why Natalie had wanted him up here, as well as to what he was feeling. A small part of him was angry and frustrated at Natalie, not only for her thoughtless action of taking off to the cabin, but also for putting an end to his planned night of sitting in his apartment wallowing in guilt as he nursed a bottle of Jack Daniels. Even though John knew he had to be here to keep Natalie safe, for the first time in his life he found himself wishing he could be as far away from the redhead as humanly possible. Seeing her just brought up all the self-hatred and loathing he felt, despite Michael's insistence that there were other contributing factors. But none, in his mind, could be as important as her finding out the truth about Cristian. Back then he had been able to wallow in alcohol, this time there was no escape.

Knowing that he would rather get whatever it was over with, John quickly pulled on the old sweats he found in the closet and made his way back downstairs. He found her sitting perched on the edge of the large stone fireplace, staring into it motionlessly.

"Hey," John said softly choosing to remain standing in the door way.

Turning to face him, Natalie offered a small smile. "So I guess you're wondering what was so important I needed to lure you here?"

John nodded. "But listen Natalie, it's late and I am really not in to mood for another fight. They never seem to get us anywhere and…"

"I'm sorry."

John's eyes widened. Though he had been expecting her to interrupt him, he never thought it would be for an apology.

As if sensing John's confusion, Natalie continued. "Tonight I was out of line. The stuff I said about you never having loved me and hiding behind Cristian was uncalled for."

"It's alright." Uncomfortable, John raked his fingers through his hair hoping that this conversation would now end. Having her sit there and apologize to him, actually looking remorseful, was killing him. After what he had done, he deserved her hatred.

"No John it's not alright." Natalie said as she stood up. "I finally understand it now. Cristian helped me do that."

"Cristian helped you?"

Natalie let out a small laugh, realizing how crazy that sounded. "Yeah… he did." Taking a deep breath she stood up and began to pace in front of the fireplace. "After Cristian killed himself the prison made a mistake and sent all his belongings to me. At first I was terrified thinking the imposter was trying to contact me, but once I read the standard condolence letter sent from the Warden, I was filled with relief – relief that that chapter of my life was over, relief he was never getting out, and most of all relief that he has suffered as much as I had."

"Natalie…" John held up a hand to stop her, not wanting to hear any more.

"No… for weeks you have been telling me we need to talk about this and you've been right. As I was throwing out the box, I noticed an oil painting sticking out. Unable to ignore my curiosity, I pulled it out and saw a painting of me – it was then I knew that there had been no imposter, that that man really was Cristian. Then I figured out you knew." Taking another shaky breath, Natalie turned to him. "I needed you to know this so you can understand why I went after you the way I did that night. Part of me was devastated, furious over finding out that way,but mostly guilty over those initial feelings of relief."

"Natalie, I don't deserve any explanation. What I did was wrong, and if anything I should be explaining my actions to you."

Natalie smiled softly. "No you don't, because I get it. Cristian kept a journal when he was in prison, it was one of the personal effects sent to me and something I could never bring myself to read… until tonight." She shook her head sadly. "The journal proved to me what I knew deep down, that man was not the Cristian I married. The entries were so dark, so violent and even possessive that all those initial feelings of relief came flooding back despite my knowing he was actually my husband." Natalie met his eyes in a hard stare.

"You have no idea what that is like. To actually feel relief that the person I once loved was dead, was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt, but, at the same time it was freeing." Looking away, Natalie paused for a moment.

"Once I felt relieved he was gone, once I was finally able to face everything else and realize I had it all wrong I realized it wasn't Cristian that you felt obligated to, it was me. It was hard to see that John because ever since Vegas you'd taken on the role of my protector. No matter what mess I managed to get myself into, or who was after me, you moved heaven and Earth to make sure I remained safe."

"Natalie, you're not just some obligation!" John said, his temper beginning to flare.

"I know I'm not, now, but at the beginning, after Vegas I was. Then we became friends, practically best friends, and that obligation was gone. But you never left that role of protector, even going as far as digging up the grave of a judge to prove my innocence. What I was finally able to realize tonight was that you were able to see the darkness, anger and violence in Cristian and you knew that he was beyond help. You weren't protecting him or feeling obligated to him, but as usual you were just protecting me. And now I have to thank you for that. And to apologize for…"

"There was more to it then that!" John interrupted, then paused, once again searching for the words. "Natalie, don't put me up on this pedestal and praise me because knowing Cristian had changed and was dangerous was only part of it."

Natalie remained silent, her eyes urging him to continue and John found himself unable to meet her gaze.

"Yes, I did think Cristian was dangerous. I saw how possessive he was becoming and how angry he seemed and I worried about your safety. When I found out he wasn't an imposter all I could think about was how he had tried to kill Antonio. Any brain washing that can successfully turn someone against his own family in that way is typically irreversible. So then I started thinking about you, and what if he turned on you in that way. I knew he was beyond help, and didn't want you to get caught in the crossfire." John took a deep breath. "But, at the same time I didn't want you to be with Cristian… or anyone for that matter because…because I was in love with you." The last was said in a rush, but he looked her in the eyes.

Noticing the look of shock spreading over Natalie's face, John quickly continued. "I was lying when I made it seem like I had realized I was in love with you after you had been kidnapped by Hayes. The truth is Natalie, I think I have been in love with you since the night I walked in to my hotel room and found you on my bed with a bomb strapped to your chest."

"But… but you kept denying it," Natalie finally said.

"I know, I wasn't just denying it to you, but also to myself." Talking about his feelings never came easy to John, but now that he has started he knew he had to continue. "Ever since you walked into Crossroads I was attracted to you. Here you were, this smart, beautiful, strong, sexy woman who easily stood up to me and could put me in my place in seconds. And even though I was furious, I couldn't help but admire the way you refused to throw the pool tournament in Vegas because it's actually what I would have done. As time went on and we became friends, that friendship was important to me because for the first time in years I was actually smiling again." John began to pace the room, unable to look at her.

"When Caitlyn died, a huge part of me died with her and it wasn't until you came along that I was actually happy again. But, my fear of going through that pain was too much and I ignored those feelings. I managed to convince myself I wasn't in love with you, and hooked up with Evangeline to prove it to myself, to you."

"You did a pretty good jobl," Natalie said softly unable to stop the painful memories from the past from overtaking her.

"For a split second after Cristian admitted to being an imposter I felt relieved, glad that I still had a chance with you. Pretty selfish of me I know, but it was how I felt. Then I got the DNA tests back and he made me promise not to tell you. I tried to get him to tell you, even sent you down to visit him hoping you would, but he couldn't and you didn't want to listen to a word he said. And I, well I wanted you to have chance at a life, marriage, kids, happiness rather then sitting around waiting for him. And I wanted to be apart of that life."

Now that it was all out, John moved over to the couch opposite Natalie and took a seat. "So don't praise me and thank me for doing the honorable thing because part of the reason I kept you from your husband is because I wanted for myself." Bracing himself for Natalie's anger, John squared his shoulders and finally met her eyes, which to his surprise did not look angry.

the above seems too wordy, he repeats himself and tells too much of the story. I think the last paragraph is very succinct and it might be most of what he says

"I love you." The words were out of her mouth before she even knew what she was doing. Hearing John finally admit his reasons for keeping the secret made Natalie realize that John was a huge part of that future, not just the past she wanted to put to rest.

Knowing it was her turn to talk she stood up and went to sit beside him on the couch, taking her hands to his face and forcing him to meet her eyes. "I never stopped loving you."

Looking into Natalie's eyes, John found all thoughts of guilt and blame over the miscarriage fade and become replaced with happiness. Needing to kiss her, John began to lean in but was stopped by Natalie gently pushing him away. "There's something I need to tell you," she began hesitantly. "Something I should have told you months ago… John, the reason I ended up in the hospital that night was because…"

"You miscarried," John finished for her, his voice tight.