Chapter Twenty-Three

Natalie's face took on a combined look of shock and horror as John interrupted her. "You knew?" she asked quietly, as she struggled to keep her tears at bay.

John nodded wordlessly. Suddenly overcome with both guilt and blame, he stood up and moved to the other side of the room, needing to put some distance between them. "After you took off from the Palace, Rex cornered me and told me I was responsible."

"That fucking idiot," Natalie muttered under her breath as she stood up and moved toward him. "John," she began as she placed a hand on his shoulder. But as if burned, John recoiled from her touch and turned away from her. "I don't blame him; he was just sticking up for his sister. Hell if I had a sister and some guy made her go through that, I'd have done a lot worse, a lot sooner."

Seeing where John's mind was going, Natalie grabbed his arm and pulled so that he was facing her. "You're not responsible for what happened, John."

Finally meeting her eyes, John let out all the anger, frustration and guilt which had been building up inside of him. "Like hell I'm not… it all comes back to that damned secret! You didn't need that extra stress, I was responsible for that."

"No, you weren't." Natalie's voice was firm, but held a hint of sadness. "When I found out I was so hurt, and so furious that I let myself get all worked up and basically flew in to a rage. All I could think of was me, and how I had been wronged… I never stopped to think about the sake of our baby." Taking a shaky breath Natalie bowed her head. "At first I blamed you… I was so angry and I needed someone to be mad at, but after the anger began to fade there was only myself to blame."

John's expression softened as he saw how pained she looked. Fighting the urge to go to her, he continued to listen. "I had been in AC for about 3 weeks before your brother found me."

John's head jerked up in surprise. "Mikey tracked you down?"

Natalie nodded. "He had been calling me every few days, making sure I was alright – both physically and emotionally. And I guess once I shifted the blame from you onto myself, he got concerned. Was at my doorstep within 48 hours." Natalie let out a wary laugh. "I still don't know how he managed to find me – I had gone back to using the name Balsom to avoid being found. Anyway, he showed up carrying a take-out bag full of fries with mustard." John remained silent, not giving her any indication as to what he was thinking.

"So we ate, made polite small talk, and then the miscarriage was brought up. I hadn't wanted to talk about it, tried to get him to leave but he wouldn't have it. As a friend he made me talk about it, he listened as I went through all my feelings of guilt and then held me once I broke down. Once I had gotten it all out, he went in to Doctor mode and started reciting statistics and facts of miscarriages." Natalie finally looked up into John's eyes. "Michael forced me to realize that stress played a very small role, if any. It could have happened for any number of reasons, all of which were beyond my control. He also talked to me about other cases he had seen – miscarriages in the eighth, even ninth month, and babies that had been stillborn or born seriously ill. I'll be honest, by the time Michael left, I didn't feel much better. But as the days and weeks went by I really started to think about what he said, and even thought about what Jessica must have felt losing Megan. Looking at things that way, I realized that although it was one of the most painful things I have ever had to experience, it could have been worse, and a lot of people have gone through worse. After seeing it this way and really thinking about what Michael said, I realized I couldn't let this guilt take over my life… I wasn't to blame, and John, you're not either."

"But…"

"But nothing. John I love you, and want us to have a future together, but in order for that to happen you have to let go of any guilt you're feeling." Natalie edged closer to him, "Do you want that future?" she asked softly before gently pressing her lips to his.

Wanting to show her he did, John moved closer and edged her mouth open with his tongue.

Natalie let out a small moan as the kiss became deeper, and John felt himself harden. Suddenly overcome with desire he pulled her closer to him and slipped a rough hand under her baggy sweatshirt and after realizing she was braless, began to tweak her left nipple. Breathless, Natalie pulled away and giving John a coy smile, lifted her arms above her head. Noting the playful desire in her eyes, John grabbed the sweater and roughly pulled it above her, exposing her milky white breasts. Just seeing her here in front of him after all these months had John's eyes darken with desire. God, he had missed her.

Taking her hand in his, John pulled Natalie back toward him and once again captured her lips with his. As the kiss intensified, John flipped their position so that Natalie lay on her back. Breaking away from the kiss, John began to move his mouth lower – first kissing her jaw, then neck and downward until he reached her breasts. Gently he took one of her hard nipples in his mouth and flicked his tongue over it, enjoying the sound of Natalie's moans and the feeling of her fingers gripping at his hair.

Unable to take this torture, Natalie pulled him back up toward her and roughly tugged at his sweatshirt, needing to feel his bare chest against hers. Once he was naked from the waist down, Natalie allowed her hands to roam over his back, and pressed up against his body enjoying the feel of his rock hard cock pressing into her. As his mouth attacked hers, Natalie found herself growing increasingly wet and firmly grabbed the band of his borrowed sweatpants and yanked both them and his boxers down at the same time. "I need you in me now," she moaned as she used her legs to push the rest of the pants off her and then began to shimmy out of her own. "Right now."

Now naked John propped himself up and looked down at her. "Are you sure?"

Nodding, Natalie managed to kick her pants aside and wrapped her legs tightly around him.

Just being able to feel her wetness pressed up against him, and smell the scent of her drove John crazy, and within seconds he had lifted Natalie off the couch and laid her gently down on the floor.

For a few seconds he just gazed down at her naked form, thankful for the second chance he was getting. "I love you," he said softly.

Seeing the raw emotion on John's face brought tears to her eyes. "I love you too," she said pulling him down toward her. "Make love to me John."

John's eyes filled with passion as he brought his lips and body crashing down onto hers. Feeling John's hands roaming her body, Natalie moaned loudly and her legs instinctively parted. Seeing her reaction drove John crazy and he began to grind his body against her, enjoying the way his cock glided over her moist center. Natalie, matching his movements spread her legs wider, allowing him to slip inside her.

He started off slow, gently thrusting in and out of her allowing them both to enjoy the sensations, but as Natalie's moans got louder indicating she was close to an orgasm, he found himself speeding up knowing once she came he wouldn't be able to take much more. He thrust into her faster and harder and began to moan himself as Natalie moved her hips in motion with him. "Oh…. God…. John…" she cried out, before the orgasm took over and left her shuddering with pleasure. Feeling her body buckle beneath him, John let himself go before collapsing beside her.

They remained silent for a few minutes, as both of then basked in the afterglow of sex, until finally Natalie spoke as she cuddled closer to him. "Despite all my anger, I really did this miss this."

John smiled. "So have I."