He was sure now. The Angel was close. Misato's rough estimation that it would pass near this point turned out to be quite right.
The vibration of the entry plug was hardly felt at first. Maybe because the source of it was too far yet. Or because the LCL was working as a stabilizer and neutralizing the external shock. Or because his body, which was still not in the best condition, didn't register the sensation well enough. Whatever the reason was, Shinji realized something was off only after it became very clear.
Before realizing the approach of the Angel, while waiting at the end of the side maintenance tunnel of the vertical ventilation shaft, Shinji was engulfed in familiar feelings he felt every time he rode Evangelion. The weird and contradictory feelings.
He felt a comfortable, familiar feeling one might feel at their own home, while at the same time feeling a sense of cold hostility he couldn't really describe with words. He felt warmth as if he was soaking in a hot bath, while at the same time feeling a deadly coldness seeping through his gums. All five senses, sharpened at once, dulled in the next moment, repeatedly. A huge yet at the same time infinitely small body of his. A strange presence, constantly in the back of his consciousness, sometimes nearby, sometimes far away.
And loneliness. Loneliness.
In his previous sorties, between all the hectic radio, quickly changing HUDs he was still unsure how to read, urgent instructions from the command center, and the enemy's movements, he still felt that certain loneliness that permeated this entry plug like background noise. Now, without the sight of the target or Misato's voice coming from comm, with only the low buzzing of his Eva under the battery conservation mode, the loneliness rose to the surface and gripped Shinji's mind like a vise.
Shinji's thoughts, naturally, went to the whereabouts of Ayanami and Asuka. He would have felt much at ease if they were around.
But the notion weirded him out after further consideration. Misato, Ayanami, and Asuka. Shinji had no reason to feel at ease with them. He knew them for less than even a year and never had a heartfelt exchange or anything like that with any of them. It was all superficial, his whole relationship with them. He was sure they would forget about him after a month or two at best if he were to suddenly disappear any day. It was just that he become so used to Misato's kindness, Ayanami's calmness, and Asuka's overwhelming presence that he started to unilaterally hope for their help whenever it suited him. They were not close to him. He had no one he could call that he was close to.
If you want to pretend to be close to me, I'm willing to go along. Shinji recalled those weird words once again. It was a word that held Shinji and didn't let go of most of the time he spent at the headquarters today. Especially after the disastrous encounter with father. And the more he thought about it, the more frustrated he became. It wasn't because he didn't understand what it meant. By the time he arrived at the headquarters in Misato's car, Shinji had come to a sort of conclusion as to what Asuka meant by 'pretending'. What he couldn't get a grip of, and what was driving him crazy, was Asuka's true intention behind her seemingly simple words, and how he should deal with it.
Or if such hidden intention existed at all.
Shinji shook his head and focused on the vibration of the command suite. He had a more urgent duty now and could not afford to be distracted by such silly things. Every single one of his sorties was a huge crisis on its own, but this time the situation was more dire than usual. Today was as bad as his first sortie, he even thought, the disastrous battle where he didn't even know how to make Eva walk. The entire base was blacked out, making it impossible to receive any communication, arms support, or power supply. With all the external batteries attached to the shoulders, Unit-01 had 8 minutes and 24 seconds worth of power left, as he turned his eyes and checked the numbers. Deploying the AT field and moving fast would burn those power out quickly, so he had to take that into account, too. And he didn't know where Asuka and Ayanami were by now, or whether they had arrived at the headquarters in the first place. It was clear he couldn't just sit and wait.
The shaking grew bigger and bigger. The Angel was close now. But when he checked the HUD, there was no change in the augmented reality projected on the LCL in front of him. He looked down at the buttons on his command yoke. Active sonar was included in all the non-critical functions he suspended or turned off by the instructions given through a loudspeaker-holding-Ibuki right before the launch. They ordered it to cut the battery usage, and also instructed him to turn some of them on right before an engagement, but now that he was sitting here alone he couldn't remember what buttons he had to push to turn those functions on. He didn't feel like pressing random buttons. And even if he remembered how, he also wasn't sure if a sonar would be useful in a narrow tunnel he was in.
If Asuka was here she would have figured out Angel's position and come up with a way to deal with it, Shinji thought.
Shinji clenched his teeth at his own thoughts. Sticky LCL ran through his molars. He was thinking about Asuka again. The redhead seemed to dominate Shinji's headspace to an absurd degree, especially considering it wasn't even too long since she broke into his life. Until then he thought he was somewhat adjusting to this new life, but she came and made a mess of everything. Everything has changed. She quite literally stormed into his room and become an owner of it. She was so loud and eye-catching and even in her absence she kept his attention with weird words and thoughts.
It was all her fault, but somehow he couldn't make himself blame Asuka. So Shinji whispered the next name that came to his mind. Misato. Yes, this was Misato's fault for making an unrelated teenage boy and a girl live under the same roof. However, much like Asuka, he couldn't blame Misato, at least not too much. It wasn't Misato's fault that Shinji failed to get along with his partner and had to go through special training. To this day he didn't understand why Asuka stayed in his house even after the training, but still.
His house. Now that was a strange way to put it. Because it wasn't his house. Only then did Shinji realize the root of all these problems. The fundamental reason why Shinji was living in the stranger's house with people he had never met before.
Father.
Shinji recalled the two encounters with his father he had today. The humiliation, in front of his office. A total and complete ignore in the hangar.
His heart pounded. Shinji hated his father. So much.
But now, as he held the noticeably vibrating command yoke and calmed his breath, something pathetic and contemptible yet couldn't be cut off was growing in the corner of his heart. And because of that very part, Shinji clenched his teeth hard and willed his Eva to crawl forward.
Same day morning.
7 hours before the Tokyo-3 blackout.
"Ms. Misato, where do I put this?"
"Cabinet by the door," Misato replied, typing the keyboard without taking her eyes off the monitor. She didn't even seem to be curious about what Shinji was putting away. Without a word, Shinji walked toward the door of Misato's office, a few steps away, holding four black files in his hands. They were not all that heavy, but still, they were rather bulky(each one of them was more than two times thicker than Shinji's fist), and with Shinji's rather small frame he had a hard time controlling them. When he opened the cabinet door with one hand, they slipped out of his arms and spilled on the floor.
"Careful, will you."
Misato's glancing gaze came and went. Shinji started to pick up the files, all of them wide open. When he bent and squatted down he felt dizzy for a moment. While clenching his fists and trying to keep his balance, he noticed the words of the file spread out in front of him. It was a cover for some kind of report, large black letters on a white background.
After action review
Shinji Ikari, Unit-01 pilot
6th Angel
Operations manager M. Katsuragi
Misato's evaluation, of Shinji. Probably read by father. No, certainly read by father. Now that he thought about it, it was only natural that such a thing existed, but it was so jarring to witness it with his own eyes.
Shinji turned his head slightly to check Misato, who was sitting at the desk. After arriving at the office and spending the first few minutes directing the cleaning effort Shinji was put into, she was now busy with her computer, not paying much attention to him anymore. Shinji swallowed and looked down again at the file before him.
What would be in there? What did Misato say about him in a place where he couldn't hear or read? Shinji became curious. All he had to do was reach out and turn the page over.
Then he realized that he didn't want to. He was still curious, but he didn't want to check. He didn't want to know. He gathered the files and stood up with them in his arms. He heard a loud click from Misato's desk.
"Is it full? Then put them here."
Shinji flinched and turned to Misato. Misato remained fixed on the monitor, typing with one hand, and opening the drawer under the desk with the other. Shinji cleared his throat, walked over, took out an empty can of beer that was rolling lonely in an empty drawer, and filled the place with black files. When he straightened up, Misato closed the drawer with a clink.
Shinji put a can in a garbage bag leaning against one wall, thought for a moment, and tied the bag. It wasn't quite full yet, but he had a hunch that if he didn't throw it away now it would take weeks for Misato to deal with it. He knew it, because today he started the cleaning process of her office by throwing out the ghastly overflown garbage bag. The stink of it. "I think I'm done, I'll throw the bag away."
Misato stopped typing, looked up, checked the clock on the opposite wall, and looked around the office. "That was quick. Good work, Shinji."
Shinji picked up the garbage bag, then put it down again to walk to Misato's desk. He almost forgot one thing.
"I'll go wash this, too."
Shinji pulled the coffee pot out of the maker, to Misato's raised eyebrows.
"Why?"
Shinji had to suppress a groan. "Why?"
"I never saw anyone wash coffee pots."
"I wash the one back at home every day."
"Really? I didn't know that. Huh."
"Yeah, really. This looks dirty, too, I'll need to wash this."
Misato shrugged. "What's the big deal? It's just coffee."
There were a few issues in the world that Shinji Ikari absolutely had no intention to compromise, and this was one of such rare cases. "Ms. Misato, maybe it's hard to realize when we call it coffee, but coffee is basically water that passed through crushed beans. Will you leave bean juice residue on the bottom of your cup or pot for months?"
Misato flinched, then laughed a moment later. "You're right. You surprised me, Shinji. Heh."
What does that even mean? "What?"
Misato looked back at the monitor without a word, with a rather pleased face, waving her hand. Shinji turned around with a snort, and picked up the garbage bag on his way out.
By the time Shinji shoved the bag into a trash can on the other side of the hall, went to the bathroom and scrubbed the pot with his hand and returned to the office, Misato was standing in front of the mirror, dressed in her red coat, checking her beret.
"Are you going somewhere?"
Misato turned her eyes to Shinji in the mirror and nodded. "Yeah, I have to go see the Commander. Face-to-face report."
"Oh,"
With a light step, Misato turned to Shinji.
"It won't take long. Wait here. I'll come up with the next disciplinary measure before I come back. If anyone visits in the meantime be sure to kick them out, okay?"
Before Shinji could answer, Misato brushed past him. He hurriedly put the coffee pot down on the desk and followed her. The automatic door, which was about to close, stopped in the middle and opened again. Misato looked back, tilting her head. "What?"
"I, I want to go to father, too. I, well, I have, uh, business, with him."
At first it was an impulsive decision. But by the time he finished his stutter his will become stronger than ever. Now that he came to the headquarters for the first time since the last operation, he was attracted to the idea of talking to father like moths were attracted to light.
Misato's eyes widened slightly. "Really? Would it take long?"
"Eh, no, I don't think so."
Misato began to study his face, making him blush and lower his head. After a moment, Misato nodded. "Alright. Let's go to his office together."
They turned a few corners and arrived at the elevator platform, and remained silent until the elevator arrived and the door opened. Shinji didn't want to say anything, and Misato didn't seem to have much to say either. Only after the floor marker started to click in the heavy silence she opened her mouth again, with a curiously pleasant tone.
"So, what did you and Asuka talk about this morning? She's the one who cooked the lunch you brought today, right? Will you show me later?"
Shinji shrugged his shoulders. Everything about Asuka he struggled hard to push away from his mind, but now they were brought up again like this. He was a little annoyed at Misato.
"Nothing. No, I mean," Shinji thought for a moment, but Asuka's ultimatum was not the kind of thing he could confide to Misato. He himself was still not sure how to deal with it, anyway. "We talked, yes, but, it's not a big deal. The lunch, too. It's just a leftover from yesterday, she just put some extra ingredients and boiled it, that's all. And, yeah, I'll show you later."
Shinji turned his head forward, blushing. He kept his eyes on the floor marker, but he could still see Misato smiling on the periphery of his view. He started to fear what kind of mean words she would use to tease him.
Fortunately for him, what Misato said when she opened her mouth was simpler than he expected.
"Don't do anything you'll regret later. That's the only advice I can give to you kids."
He almost wanted to laugh at such common wisdom that anyone could say and feel smart about themselves. Of course, her words were not funny just by themselves. It was the opposite, actually. She meant well. But what she didn't know was the fact that avoiding something that he would later regret was something he was doing on a daily basis, like a second instinct at this point. Just like not opening an after-action report about his fight even though it was wide open before his eyes. It was a familiar routine for Shinji to not do anything that might lead him to regret. Rather, what Asuka is asking Shinji now, and also Misato's, through implication in her case, was the possibility of huge regret that Shinji wanted to avoid at all costs. He knew he could never say that aloud, though.
So Shinji replied meekly, as he always did, whenever he was offered such clueless kindness. "Yes."
Maybe his voice was too blatantly unenthusiastic, or Misato was willing to dig deeper today. Anyway she seemed to have no intention of accepting such a meek response and be done with it.
"Shinji, I'm serious. You shouldn't run away."
This time Shinji just nodded without answering. Misato clicked her tongue. "Sulking again."
He felt heat rising on his face. Frowning, he turned his face in Misato's direction.
"I'm trying. I'm on my way to father, am I not?"
And he wasn't being stubborn out of pride or something. He meant it. He was already afraid he would regret this, the voice doubting his decision already boiling inside his mind.
Misato turned her head forward and sighed softly. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry."
Just before the air between the two became too uncomfortable, the elevator stopped with a cheerful ring.
The door opened to reveal a dim corridor. There were no windows or aisles on either side, just a single, unadorned door standing silently on the front, about twenty meters from the elevator. While Shinji hesitated, Misato started to move, making him hurriedly follow her. Misato slowed down and looked back at Shinji with a grin.
"It's your first time coming up here, right?"
"Yes,"
"Remember the way back? To my office, I mean."
"Yeah,"
"I don't think it would be that way, but there's a chance my report could take a long time. So, finish your business first, whatever that is, and go back to my office. Either that or you'll have to stand here the whole time. The whole floor here is the commander's office and he doesn't have a waiting room or anything. Intentionally, I think. Kinda crazy, right?"
Shinji smiled awkwardly. "Yeah, I guess."
When they arrived at the door, Misato pressed a small button on the wall next to it. There was no sound or anything, so for a moment he wondered if something was wrong or if the total silence was by design. The answer to his question was provided quickly, by a hidden speaker somewhere in the nearby wall. An artificial voice rang through the gloomy corridor.
"The commander is absent at the moment. Please visit again next time."
Shinji looked at Misato in confusion. Misato snorted.
"Huh, so that asshole thinks he's the only one who's busy, is it? Does he think I keep my appointment because I got nothing better to do or what?" As she said that, the door burst open, making her freeze on spot. Shinji's heart sank at the same time, too.
"Oh, Captain Katsuragi. Asama Research Center, right?"
A soft and kind voice, almost feeling out of place coming from a tall figure that almost filled the doorway, relieved Shinji somewhat. Misato raised her hand in a stiff salute.
"Good morning, Vice Commander."
Vice Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki casually waved away Misato's salute, and turned to Shinji instead. The light from the inside of the office cast a deep shadow on his face, but still, Shinji could see the kind expression all over the wrinkles around the old man's eyes and mouth. "What brought our young man here, I wonder?"
Shinji swallowed. Now that he thought about it, he never had a direct conversation with the Vice Commander before, even though he saw the man's face quite a few times at this point. "Oh, hello, sir. I, I'm here to, to see, I mean, to talk, with father."
The Vice Commander nodded slowly, turning to Misato. "Seems the city council business is delaying him. But it's about time he's back, I don't think we'll have to wait more than some minutes." Then to Shinji again. "You will have to stand a little longer. Can you do that? You barely got out of the hospital, I recall. You can go in and sit in Ikari's chair, if it's too hard for you. It's the only chair on this floor, ridiculous as it is."
Hell, no. "It's all right. I'll stand here."
The moment the Vice Commander turned to Misato and tried to say something, Shinji heard a clanking sound from behind. It was the sound of the elevator door. The sound of footsteps echoed in the corridor. As the Vice Commander nodded as a greeting, Misato turned around her heel and saluted. "Good morning, Commander."
Father stopped a few steps away from Shinji, saying nothing for a moment. Shinji shivered unconsciously as father's blank and emotionless eyes, blurred behind his dark glasses, turned toward him.
"Why are you here?"
With that, Shinji lost all heart, cursing his foolish self for deciding to come here. He also cursed the Class Rep for providing him the clause of coming here. When he opened his mouth slightly his teeth clattered. Shinji averted his gaze, shut his mouth, swallowed, and raised his head again to father's, towering over him. "I, no, they, I mean the school, they have, career counseling and, and they said I, I have to... inform... parents..."
Father turned to Misato without a reply, and for Shinji, it was the most painful response out of all the possible things father could have ever done to him.
"Have I not delegated such matters to you, Captain?"
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again." A professionally dispassionate voice answered the equally emotionless question. Shinji's throat started to swell, and his stomach was boiling. When father's gaze moved to him again, he felt his whole body shrink.
"Is that all?"
Won't you ask about my body, if I recovered from injury, Shinji couldn't ask. A drop of sweat from his forehead rolled down to sting his eyes, making him tear up. Shinji croaked through a lump in his throat.
"I, I've been, suspended from the school. I mean, you probably knew it already. I'm, I'm sorry, father. I won't let you down again."
Without any sign of urgency, father took a lazy stride and walked past Shinji. He didn't even look at his son. Shinji lowered his head, black flame raging in his chest. His hands trembled, and his eyes were burning. The whole world was red.
The other two people were giving him a gaze that his father denied him. But Shinji couldn't bear to look up into Vice Commander and Misato's eyes. For he did not know what to do if he were to witness pity in their eyes.
The bell finally announced lunch break. With it the morning class, the longest one she ever had, ended too. Asuka snorted softly, putting her textbook under the desk drawer and glancing sideways around her. She kept doing this ever since she arrived at school today, almost paranoidly, but she couldn't stop herself. And as if to feed the fuel to her paranoia, a boy from a corner of the classroom averted his gaze away hurriedly. Something twisted in her stomach.
They were always like that. Asuka tried to tell herself. Staring with a drooling mouth. That's what they did, from the beginning. It was nothing new or related to... something.
But then again, those photos must have been circulating from the beginning. It was impossible to guess just how many of those eyes she always felt in this place were not a simple thirst but actually something more insidious and perverted than she thought.
But, are those two fundamentally different things? The thought crossed her mind as she shoved her hand in the bag she hung on the desk hook and looked for the lunch box. In terms of perviness, there was this one certain boy who tried to kiss her while she was asleep and vulnerable. That was probably worse than whatever things plebs out there ever tried on her, but somehow she could not feel the disgust. The disgust that would instantly return whenever she imagined any other boy's face in his place, trying to still her lips.
That's probably because I'm an idiot. Asuka murmured internally, taking out the lunch box.
Asuka squinted at the blue plastic container on her desk. This, too, was the product of her idiotic impulse, something she was starting to regret already. Just like the ultimatum she issued today. What should she do if she doesn't get the right answer by the deadline? She felt like she had reduced the scope of her possible actions for no good reason. She wondered if she could revert this, maybe through a text or something.
She didn't have much time to think, because Hikari, with a bright smile and her own lunch box, joined Asuka's desk. Judging from the atmosphere, it was clear she would pretend to not know anything about a certain unpleasant incident, as she had done all morning. Yeah, that would be convenient for everyone involved, Asuka thought.
"Hey, Asuka, is that the one you cooked?"
Asuka snorted instead of an answer. Hikari, who clearly didn't expect an answer either, pulled a nearby vacant chair and sat. As she opened her lunch Asuka did the same. No, she tried the same, but she couldn't. For some reason the lid of her lunch box didn't come off.
"Oh, for Christ's sake." She clenched her teeth, putting a nail in the gap between the lid and the box, but it didn't budge.
Hikari's eyebrows went up. "What's wrong?"
Heat rose to Asuka's face. Not like she was expecting the most pleasant lunch ever. She was expecting the food to be worse than Shinji's (and that was the reason she chose chahan from the book Hikari gave her, because Shinji never made it for her before and that meant she would never get to compare it directly to Shinji's work) but the lid not cooperating to her was something she totally did not expect. Such a thing never happened when Shinji prepared the box.
Hikari tilted her head. "You didn't close it while the food was hot, did you?"
Asuka's mouth opened slightly without her realizing it. "What? Is that a thing?"
Hikari just smiled. Asuka was so irritated by the whole situation that she pulled the lid almost violently with her fingers, only to stop in a hurry when she heard an ominous squeak from one of her nails. It was a good thing that she kept her nails relatively short because of the plugsuit, otherwise she might have broken a nail or two right now. She still felt some pain, so she left the unruly bento alone for a moment and checked her right index finger. The tip of her nail was chipped quite noticeably.
Hikari leaned over, but Asuka didn't even look at her. Instead, she stared at her hand with a strangely calming heart. Slowly, she brushed the chipped nail with her middle finger, feeling the rough surface. After she dealt with the lid she should take some time to file that, she thought. She, like every self-respecting girl, kept a filer on her bag.
Or not. Asuka narrowed her eyes. Maybe he would notice it the next time they held hands, if she just left it like this. She wondered if he would worry for her, like the way he made a fuss about the knife in the morning.
And the thought was supposed to be disgusting in so many different ways. To be worried by such a... lowly brat. To imagine such a situation. But the strangest and the most disturbing fact was that she did not actually feel disgusted while fantasizing about such a situation. It was the same with that attempted kiss. By all means it was disgusting, and if she imagined any other face in Shinji's place she did feel thoroughly disgusted, but, she couldn't bring out the same reaction from her heart when she put Shinji's face in those situations.
Asuka had a vague idea as to why she was like that. She couldn't think of giving a name to that uppity idea and by doing so acknowledge it, but its existence itself was felt to her, quite clearly. She was not an idiot like a certain boy, after all. And sometimes she capitulated helplessly to that rogue emotion, while sometimes, like now, wanted to cut it off and get rid of it for good. What she did in the morning might have been the work of the latter not the former, now that she thought about it. The part of her that wanted a clear justification to hate and push him away.
Yeah, come midnight, this frustrating situation would be over for good. She silently told herself. We'll get a reason to hate him.
But, what if things don't go that way? What if it goes against her expectations?
Asuka realized that she was afraid of that possibility, and it made her angry again. Fear. Why do I, Asuka Langley Soryu, is feeling fear over that boy?
"What, Suzuhara?" Hikari's voice caught Asuka's attention. She blinked and looked up. That monkey she first met in Over The Rainbow, stood across her, hesitation all over his body gestures. He was in his usual sweatsuit. The smell of sweat that always followed him even on days without PE class made her wrinkle her nose. Does he have a business with Hikari? She hoped he would be gone quickly.
Hikari must have felt similar to Asuka. "Lost your handout again? Which subject? Math class, right? Ah, no, not now, come back later."
"No, not that," Suzuhara scratched his head, averting the gaze. "I've got something to say to Soryu, actually."
"Huh?" Asuka belatedly realized how stupid she sounded. She cleared her throat, raised her chin, and asked again with venomous contempt. "What is it? Be quick, I have to eat." She still hadn't figured out the way to open the damn box, but anyway.
"Well, I, uh..." Suzuhara blushed, making Asuka doubt her eyesight. Then he looked back from side to side, and turned to push away the empty desk behind him, seemingly to make some space around where he stood.
Asuka came to her senses at the noise. She opened her mouth to ask the obvious. "What are you doing?"
Then she became speechless again, as Toji Suzuhara prostrated before her, putting his forehead on the floor. He filled the void created by the shock his sudden action caused with a shout. "I have committed a grave sin to you, Soryu! I did it, because I'm stupid and hadn't learned anything in my life! I still didn't do anything serious, though! I was merely a clerk, taking money and giving back the change! I wasn't interested in your panties or anything!" Then he looked up, realizing the mistake. After a long frown, he spoke again. "I'm not saying I find you ugly or anything! I just, I mean, I have a type and you're just, eh,"
Some of the boys skipped meals and ran out to the playground, and not all of the girls ate in the classroom, so the room was half-filled at best. And even that was too large an audience for Asuka. She heard gasps, excited whispers, and murmuring voices from everywhere. While Asuka sat frozen at her seat, overwhelmed by all the sudden unwelcomed attention, face flushed, Hikari bolted up, chair flying away. She bent over and grabbed Suzuhara by the back of his jersey, and, to Asuka's utter surprise, lifted the boy up.
"Su. Zu. Ha. Ra. What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing!?"
He looked at Hikari like a cat that was caught in the back of its neck while drinking toilet water. "What do you think? Apologizing to Soryu! Let me go!"
"Oh, you little..." Hikari released the grip, then without a moment's pause, grabbed Suzuhara's ear and began to drag him toward the back door. Suzuhara screamed and protested, but Hikari did not even pretend to hear them. "Asuka! Come!"
Only vaguely realizing that Hikari had actually given her an order, Asuka hurriedly stood up and followed her. She sent a warning look to the onlookers once before she stepped out of the classroom, making heads abruptly turn to their lunch.
Leaving Suzuhara's gibberish and shocked gaze from students like a trail, Hikari strode through the corridor until they reached a quiet corner. Only the far echo of boys playing soccer on the playground rang faintly.
"Stop making a scene in front of everyone! Speak properly here!" Hikari squeezed up Suzuhara's ear one last time and let him go. In spite of everything, Asuka was at least momentarily impressed by the effect of it and wondered if she could learn the technique so she could try it on the Idiot one day. Suzuhara rubbed his ear, glaring at Hikari. Then he turned to Asuka with a sulky look.
"I told you everything already. I worked as a clerk of sorts when Kensuke sold his stuff. Took the money, gave back the change, just that. But I swear, I've never filmed them myself. Think about it, would you want to give your expensive camera to me? Or want me to fiddle with a hidden camera? No way. Oh, yeah, that reminded me. I didn't even know about Okinawa things. I'm serious."
Hikari folded her arms. "First Aida, and now you? I'm really disappointed, Suzuhara. And I thought,"
Asuka cleared her throat, stopping Hikari. This was already a stressful day, with this monkey adding his own to the pile of problems. She didn't want Hikari to make a further mess. While Hikari closed her mouth and Suzuhara looked back and forth between the two girls, Asuka pondered for a moment.
Well, it didn't take too long to see through his motives. It wasn't that he suddenly grew a conscience or felt sorry for her. He was doing this because he was afraid to lose Shinji. He was afraid his relationship with Shinji would be ruined completely. Because he was surprised by what happened to that perv with a camera. The notion sparked Asuka's contempt for this boy, but she didn't even want to do anything about it. Not because she was feeling benevolent or anything. At this point she was just too tired and didn't want to care about this matter anymore.
Would she regret it later, changing her mind? That was possible. But now, merely looking at him was tiring enough for her. So Asuka sighed, and waved her hand as if she was shooing a mosquito. "I get it. Off with you now."
Suzuhara blinked. But it was Hikari who spoke up first. "Asuka, really?"
Before Asuka could say anything, Suzuhara took a step forward, stretched out his shoulders and tapped his chest with a fist. The sight reminded Asuka of an ape.
"I can't tolerate that meself! I'd say, at least slap me like that time I saw your panties! Two times! If that's not enough!"
Hikari gasped, turning to Suzuhara with her mouth wide open, her freckled face burning. Asuka wanted to tear her hair out, head throbbing with a fresh headache. It was the best decision on Hikari's part to drag this boy out of the classroom, she thought.
Suzuhara must have interpreted Asuka's silence in the wrong way, because he closed his eyes, and caught the hem of his pants with both hands. "Yeah! You're right! It's wrong of me to get away with this with just a slap! I admit it! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, then panties for,"
A hiss came through Asuka's clenched teeth. That must have been threatening enough, for Suzuhara froze, eyes wide open. Ignoring Hikari's shaky gaze for the time being, Asuka raised a finger to the boy. "Do it, and you'll wish it ends with just a slap. Trust me. Don't try my patience anymore. Just get lost."
He blinked a few times, mouth opening and closing repeatedly. Then Suzuhara made his first right decision of the day; turn around and run away. Only after turning the corner once and disappearing from the girls' view, he shouted 'Sorry!' again.
Asuka sighed. She started to consider leaving early, citing a regular synchronization test in the Geofront, scheduled for this afternoon. Those tests were scheduled to not hinder school classes, but no one in the school would dare verify it even if she simply lied, she figured.
"Hikari, let's go. I'm hungry."
Asuka took a step toward the classroom, then stopped and looked back. Hikari stood still, head lowered, biting her own lips.
"What's wrong?"
Hikari looked up, a strange expression on her face. She gazed at Asuka. "Asuka, you don't seem to be angry. I expected much worse, honestly."
Asuka snorted.
"I'm angry. Why would I not? I mean, not to the degree I'm angry with that glasses perv, sure." Hikari opened her mouth, and closed it again, seeing Asuka continue. "I don't expect boys to be decent and smart, that's why I'm not too angry with them. I mean, I get mad at them, but I'll stress myself to death first if I beat them one by one whenever they do stupid stuff."
Hikari smiled bitterly. "You're very mature, aren't you? I don't think I would stand it if I were you."
It's nothing like that, Asuka couldn't say. She couldn't say that there were too many things in this world she hated, to the point she couldn't possibly stay mad at one thing for too long. She couldn't say, that out of all those things, what she hated the most was...
Asuka bit her lips and stopped the train of thought. No, Asuka Langley Soryu was the best. The elite. The one to be looked up to, desired, and envied. Not hated. It was such a firm fact that no one should deny it. No one.
Not even by herself.
"Uhm, Asuka,"
Asuka cleared her throat. "Why?"
"Is it true?" Hikari looked almost depressed, avoiding eye contact with Asuka. Asuka frowned.
"What?"
"Well," Hikari lowered her head, clasped her hands together and began wriggling her fingers. Asuka was almost annoyed, now wanting nothing other than go back to the classroom and eat lunch, before Hikari spoke again. "I mean, did Suzuhara.. see..."
Snort, to Asuka, was something she consciously and tactically applied to show her contempt for a person or topic, but this time it was more of a reflex. She shook her head to reinforce the point. "It's not important, is it? Let's hurry up and eat. I'm hungry."
"Yeah, right."
Asuka wondered why she was so gloomy all of a sudden, but decided not to ask. By the time they returned to the classroom, Hikari was back to her usual mood.
Only after going down all the way down to the cafeteria and finding hot water, Asuka was able to open the pesky lid off the lunch box and eat. The taste was passable, but she should never use sweetcorn again if she were to use the same recipe, was her conclusion. Corn in fried rice was suspicious enough on the paper, and there was no such thing as a pleasant surprise, at least in this case.
All the while she felt the gaze following her everywhere she went, and every time she had to calm herself down, muttering to herself that nothing has changed from the moment she transferred here, that it was always like that.
Soon the class resumed, boring as always, then the break time came for Hikari and a few girls would come and chit-chat about nothing and everything before going back. After two such cycles repeated themselves the school finally ended. Asuka, only after the bell rang and she slowly started packing her school bag, realized how much pressure she felt the whole time. How relieved she was now.
Asuka pulled the bag out of the hook and slung it over her shoulder, frowning. Throughout the whole day no one, including teachers, mentioned the recent incident, not even a passing comment. The only exception was Suzuhara's stupid stunt. The suspension of Shinji, and the disappearance of that glasses perv(Asuka could only guess that he would be in a hospital), seemed to have not happened at all, looking at the way these people acted. Back then Hikari told her that Asuka wasn't the only victim. Today, everyone, including Hikari, insisted on avoiding the topic altogether.
If not for Suzuhara, Asuka would've started to question if she was delusional and dreamt the whole thing.
Asuka smiled and waved to approaching Hikari, telling her 'Nerv test. Bye.', and turned her eyes to Shinji's empty seat.
It wasn't just school, she realized suddenly. The whole city ran with the same rule, and the recent incident was just one trivial example out of many.
How about the war against Angels, for example? Here was the battlefront against the eldritch horror, but the place didn't seem too affected by such fact, returning to normal daily life whenever the moment of battles passed. As if the whole thing was only a nightmare that would banish under the morning sun. Asuka recalled the day after she and Shinji defeated the 7th Angel right in the core part of the city. Except for some sections that were under repair, guarded against public eyes by screens, the city was almost jarringly peaceful, returned to their mundane everyday routine. She heard it was the same with all the previous battles Shinji fought before she came, too.
Turning eyes from something they don't want to see, treating them as if they don't exist at all. That's what these people do. Asuka thought. She knew she wasn't supposed to expect much from plebs, but it was contemptible.
Something tugged at her mind at that thought, but she ignored it, staring at Shinji's empty chair. To some people, ignoring the whole Angel business must be not that hard thing, she figured.
It was not the case for some people, though. Some people's job was to face the thing that the world was trying its best to ignore. People who belonged to another world. People who pretended to mix into the world of reason and peace when they were at school, at subway stations, and at convenience stores, but had to regularly step away from those places to dive into the world of horror. People who were privileged and cursed at the same time.
It was a lonely way of being. For some time she thought she had gotten used to it, but something she recently tasted reminded her of the bitter taste of loneliness again. Maybe, with someone who she shares the same world...
Asuka frowned. She turned her eyes away from Shinji's chair, too. She caught a boy staring blankly at her, absent-mindedly rubbing the blackboard with the eraser even though the board was clean already. She didn't even feel like glaring at him so she just ignored it. She was already angry enough as she was. At herself.
He's making me weak. Asuka gritted her teeth, thinking. I'm letting him into my world without even realizing it. That idiot.
The next moment she almost laughed out loud. For there was one more person besides Shinji that Asuka did not want but was part of her world nonetheless, and because that person appeared in front of her seemingly out of nowhere. Asuka didn't even hear her footsteps. Very ghost-like, indeed, as always. She even wore her trademark blank face.
"Second. Regular test. Headquarters."
"Yeah, First. Regular test. Headquarters." Asuka mimicked Ayanami's tone, her voice mocking. Ayanami stared at Asuka with silent, emotionless red eyes. Asuka returned the gaze with a smirk. She hoped that she could fully convey all the contempt she harbors at this 'fellow pilot' and by doing so hurt her.
What the hell is wrong with you, Asuka? A small voice whispered from inside. What did she even do to you to deserve such treatment?
It almost mellowed her heart for a moment, but she recalled the humiliation she suffered at the pedestrian overpass. The humiliation in front of everyone, where she magnanimously reached out first and was swatted away like an annoying fly, for no particular reason.
Ayanami kept her stare for a while, then turned around and headed for the hallway. Asuka glared at her back for a moment and followed her.
The two girls left the school gate without a word. Ayanami took the lead, Asuka following about two steps behind her. Sidewalks, once crowded with students leaving school, became noticeably quiet as they crossed several intersections in the opposite direction to the train station where most of the students headed.
Shortly after leaving the gate, Asuka realized she didn't like the situation where Ayanami went ahead of her, but she didn't speed up to catch or pass her. She might have done it in a more normal situation, but today she was already tired, confused, and the day was too hot.
There was little to no noise around, and the two didn't talk throughout the whole walk, so only the sound of cicadas rang loudly to fill the silence. Asuka realized this was the first time the two of them spent an extended time alone. Most of the time Shinji was there with them, stuck in the middle. No, most of the time Shinji was with Asuka while First quietly followed.
First. Asuka frowned as she chewed on the word, her old repulsion to the word boiling again. As her eyebrows furrowed a drop of sweat that was on it rolled down to her eye, stinging it. Asuka wiped it away with her free hand.
First Child. First to be chosen, even earlier than Asuka. These days, the latecomer, Shinji was attracting Asuka's attention, but for the longest time it was First's job to make her feel uncomfortable and burned her competitive mind, not the non-existent Third. Suspicions as in how could she possibly be so better than Asuka to be picked first, and such. In the following years such a thing settled down somewhat, because she, from the mouths of careless Nerv Berlin personnel, heard her synchro rate was vastly better than the First in Japan. But the bitter taste itself remained, its presence never far from her mind.
Then, when she finally came to Japan and saw her old rival with her own eyes for the first time, a different kind of disgust started to form in her mind, something Asuka couldn't fully explain herself.
Maybe that was why Asuka, right now, restarted her offense with an oh-so-innocent voice.
"I heard they're done repairing Unit-0. Is that right?"
Ayanami replied quietly, without slowing down or looking back. "You are right. Why?"
Passive aggressive, are you? Asuka almost smiled at such a timid counteroffensive. It provoked her fighting instinct. Of course, with or without it, she would still have carried out her prearranged attack, but still.
"You know, I just thought you'd be a little busy from now on."
Ayanami didn't answer this time. Asuka waited for a response, then spoke again as none came. "Your record is disappointing, don't you think? And you'll have to try even harder now, with me in the field. You were awful when it was just you and Shinji, and with more competition? I'd be worried if I were you, honestly. But I don't see that from you. Overconfident much?"
Ayanami kept her silence again, walking several steps before stopping at the crosswalk. The red traffic light buzzed and flickered. Ayanami looked sideways at Asuka when she reached her side. "Competition?"
Asuka nodded, smiling ferociously. "Yeah, competition. To see who's the better pilot. To establish a proper hierarchy. That's how the world works, after all. There's always someone who's better than others, and someone who's inferior. We need to make sure who belongs where and treat them accordingly."
Ayanami's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. It was the biggest reaction Asuka had ever drawn from this robotic girl, and it made her feel so good.
"Is that why you pilot Eva?"
"Well, what's the point then? Of course I do it to prove my ability and show everyone what a brilliant genius I am. Why would anyone go through all this trouble if not for that? Why do you ride Eva?"
The traffic light went out with a buzzing sound. Asuka turned her eyes to it. The red light was gone, but the green light was off too. Asuka frowned.
Ayanami opened her mouth. "I ride Eva because,"
A loud horn interrupted her. Two black sedans were rushing down the hill that the two just walked down. Asuka couldn't see the inside of the cars, their windows tinted so thick. The cars had Nerv's own special plates where the license plate should be. They were her bodyguards, Asuka realized. Section 2 or something.
As she expected, the cars stopped with a screeching brake just in front of Asuka and Ayanami. The back door that was on the sidewalk side opened, and at the same time the driver's window went down to reveal a man dressed in a black suit and wearing black sunglasses.
The driver, with an almost hilariously stereotypical 'agent look' on him, nodded to the girls. "Miss Soryu, Miss Ayanami, please, come on board."
Asuka's eyebrows went up. Maybe it was a good thing, she was sweating pretty badly now. But there has never been a case where a vehicle was provided for a simple synchronization test. She wondered what was the reason for this unusual offer. "Why?"
The driver turned to his partner in the passenger seat. The partner nodded slightly, and from their faces, Asuka read the tension that couldn't be completely covered by sunglasses and training. It made her shudder.
"We have reasons to believe something unusual is happening in the headquarters and by extension, the city. We couldn't provide more details at the moment. Please, get in."
"Well, that was such an anticlimactic end, compared to all the noise in the beginning. Right?" Misato muttered, pressing the enter key. The first paragraph done.
Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, sitting across the desk, stopped tapping on her laptop keyboard and fixed her glasses with one hand. The dim light of the common lounge, only one-third of the lights on, flashed on her lenses.
"Are you serious? Of the seven battles we've fought so far, the damage to the facility we attained today is simply unrivaled. What do you think is the reason we're working overtime now? The entire city, including the headquarters, blacked out for six full hours. We have no clue what the cause was, or if it's related to Angel's attack at all. And simply thinking about how far the electronic infrastructure has been damaged terrifies me, you know. Even a personal computer isn't supposed to be unplugged suddenly while you're using it. Have you thought about what kind of damage all the delicate machinery received from the voltage drop? It's a good thing we kept Magi mainframe till the end, at least."
Misato raised her eyebrows. "You're not supposed to take out plugs from a computer?"
"What?"
Misato shrugged. "Well, that's all because of the blackout, and working overtime is a norm after the operation. If you look at things purely from the fighting perspective, it was a very boring engagement."
Ritsuko sighed, as if half in exasperation and half in awe at her simplicity. Misato picked up a coffee mug from the table and sipped. PA rang from a speaker, calling for someone from the technical department. From a group of workers who ran away to the far corner tables after seeing Misato and Ritsuko entering the place one person stood up in a hurry and rushed out of the lounge.
Ritsuko opened her mouth, resting her chin on her hand. "Was it, though? Was the combat, say, that uneventful?"
Misato snorted, turning her gaze to the recorder she had thrown by her laptop. As always, everything the pilots reported during the post-battle debriefing was recorded there and will be heard again and again as she would write the preliminary report tonight. Since the videos saved by the internal recorder in Evangelion units were not accessible, that was the only thing she had. For the time being, at least. Of course, she didn't need to turn it on to answer Ritsuko's question now.
"Shinji was too quick, almost reckless in his strike. Things could have gone very wrong, I think. But he had no reason to think Asuka and Rei were a minute's distance away from him by the time he acted. Communication was off throughout the whole operation, after all. I don't think we could blame him."
"But it was Unit-02 that was more damaged."
"Because it was Asuka who approached the Angel and neutralized its AT field. While she took the brunt of Angel's attack Shinji shot it down."
Ritsuko resumed typing casually. "She's great, I guess. Quite an addition to our arsenal. What did Rei do?"
Misato shrugged. "Rearguard, or whatever Asuka called it. She basically ordered Rei to stay behind, I heard."
With a loud click, the lounge brightened. Ritsuko looked around, then folded her laptop and got up. "They must have stabilized the power supply. I'm heading back to my lab. Call me, if you need anything."
Misato lifted the mug as in salute. Ritsuko nodded and left, leaving a metallic clink of heels behind.
Misato finished the remaining coffee in a single swig and started to pack her things too. Not only she was uncomfortable in this common space, but there were things that could only be handled on her office desktop, too. She had no reason to stay here anymore if the power was back.
As she was getting up from the table, she made eye contact with one of the low-level employees who was huddled around the corner table and eating late-night snacks for the impending work hour. He looked so young in the tan Nerv uniform, probably barely out of college. Misato winked at him. "You can use this table now,"
As the red-faced boy hurriedly stood up and saluted, all the eight men and women sitting at the same table with him looked Misato's way. "Yes, Ma'am!"
It didn't take long to get back to the office. Hot, stuffy air welcomed her the moment she opened the door. She put down her laptop bag and beret on her desk first, and turned to the light switch. That was the moment she felt something suspicious from the air.
Cologne, mingled with sweat. She was familiar with both the brand choice and that specific bodily smell. So Misato was not surprised when muscular arms came out of nowhere to hug her from behind.
"Hey, I was afraid you might have had an accident, Katsuragi."
Misato sighed, loosened his arms and stepped away from him. Kaji let her go without much resistance. She folded her arms and turned around, to face him. He was never the neat and clean type, but today he almost looked disgusting. But then again, it was more than 12 hours after coming to work, and roughly half of it was spent in a poorly ventilated underground. It was almost natural to look greasy. In fact, Misato wasn't too sure if she was any better looking than him.
"You stink. And you were nowhere to be seen in the command center or the hangar. Where the hell were you?"
Kaji lifted his arm to sniff at the armpit. "I was stuck in the elevator. It got a little hot after a few hours, you know."
"Then maybe you should go home, wash up and sleep. Not crawling in here."
"Well, wanted to see if you were all right."
Misato snorted and turned the switch up. With a flash, the office brightened up. Kaji closed and opened his eyes in a theatric fashion. While he was doing that, Misato went to her desk and fell to the chair. Her hair indeed felt a little greasy when she ran her fingers through it. She was starting to feel fatigued already.
She frowned as Kaji sat on the opposite chair. "Who told you to sit?"
"You want me to stand?"
"How about leaving?"
Kaji grinned, looking around. He reached out and turned the coffee pot slightly. "Much cleaner than I thought, Katsuragi. I'm impressed. Maybe people do change."
Misato could read a certain longing and bitterness under that disgustingly confident smirk. She suppressed a sigh and stared at his face without a word. In silence, two adults-children exchanged unspoken words. Or not.
Misato broke the silence first, with a sad smile on her lips. "It was Shinji. He cleans and cooks, you know."
One corner of Kaji's mouth crept up. "Huh, now I feel pathetic. So this is what they call 'finding new boy's sign from her', eh?"
Misato giggled, despite everything. "I don't think I'm supposed to do that. Asuka would never forgive me."
Kaji said nothing, with just a strange smile on his face. Misato sighed quietly, wondering what that expression meant, wondering if she told him in the past about the weird air between Shinji and Asuka. Then she figured she was too tired for all of it.
"I'm busy. So does Ritsuko. Why don't you go home, Inspector?"
Kaji nodded with a weird spark in his eyes. "Yeah, you must be very busy. It was an exceptional day."
Misato felt something stuck in her throat.
"Hey, today's blackout, you don't happen to know anything about it, do you?"
"I told you I was stuck in the elevator throughout it. You want me to produce a witness or something?"
Misato narrowed her eyes. "I asked you if you knew anything, not if you did it. What kind of answer is that?"
Kaji's stood up, smiling. "Quite good at leading questions, are you? I'm afraid I should run away now."
Misato glared at him. He stopped at the door and looked back.
"Oh, one more thing. Maybe it's none of my business, but is it really all right, Katsuragi? Just leaving those kids by themselves at home?"
Misato shrugged. "What are you even implying? It's alright. And after all, Shinji is a coward to the bone. His father did one hell of a job on it. No need to worry."
Kaji's eyes narrowed. He seemed to have something more to say. But after standing there for a while, he left without a word, just nodding to Misato on his way out.
Shinji swallowed. Nothing went down his throat, though. It just felt numb after dozens of repeated attempts over the past few minutes. He turned from the door of Asuka's room toward the hallway and checked the clock in the living room. It was pointing at 11:55.
Five minutes to the deadline.
He didn't exactly spend the past hours doing nothing. He just didn't have a proper chance, he could swear it. When Asuka appeared at that vent where he was stuck under the Angel, or when they struggled out of the entry plugs after the battle, or when they finished the debriefing, unwashed LCL all over their body. Or when they were sent home by Section 2 vehicle. Or when they rescued Penpen trapped in his refrigerator. Or after when they took turns showering after the water outage was finally over. Every time when Asuka was within reasonable reach of him, he really wanted to tell her his answer. That he, whether it was pretending or real, wanted to be close to her. But every time something stopped him from doing so. The Angel, Ayanami, Misato, Section 2 agents, Penpen.
In the meantime, Asuka did not say to him anything more than totally necessary. Some barked orders during the battle were pretty much all of it. A few minutes ago, after a strangely long shower, she came out of the bathroom to throw a glare at Shinji who was sitting at the kitchen table. Even then nothing was said from either party, and she silently went to her room.
What should I do? Should I just open the door and go in? Why didn't she just wait from the outside where it's more accessible? Those were the thoughts that crossed his mind now.
Shinji lifted his shaking hand and held the door handle. A whimper escaped from his lips, making him feel all the more pathetic.
He blamed father for it. Whatever courage for human relationships he gathered in the past months all evaporated this morning. If he didn't...
Shinji heard a whimper again, this time through the door. It was neither his imagination nor his own. He froze for a moment, then opened the door slightly, just so he could peep inside.
Unlike the storeroom where he was sleeping these days, Asuka's was a proper room with a window, so the moonlight was seeping through the curtain. Under the pale blue light Asuka was sitting on the bed, crouching, covered in a blanket, with her back turned toward the door. Her hair was loose, without A-10 connectors on it.
While Shinji held his breath, Asuka moaned softly and pulled the blanket hard. After a while, a hand came out under the blanket to press her back.
Shinji, bewitched by the scene, realized what he was looking at after a long pause.
Back. Pain. Pressure.
But Asuka said she never had such a problem, that phantom pain was something only inexperienced fresh blood like him felt. Shinji was confused, but even the confusion didn't change what he was seeing with his own eyes. It wasn't even an important point at this moment.
The important thing was how to deal with this.
The first solution that came up in his mind was to just close the door and pretend to saw nothing. Nothing could have been easier and more comfortable than that. But, but... Shinji needed to confront Asuka right now, and above all, he owed something to Asuka on this matter.
But... what is he supposed to do?
Shinji shivered as the realization came, that he already knew the answer. He just didn't have the courage to act.
The next moment, however, when Asuka sobbed a little louder than before, Shinji unwittingly opened the door and walked inside. Shinji forgot his fear in that fleeting second. What filled his mind at that moment was how terrible his own phantom pain episodes were, and how much of a change Asuka's help made in a few cases when she was there for him. When he wasn't alone.
Perhaps it was not a perfect understanding and caring for Asuka's pain in itself but an extension of his own self-care, basing everything from his own experience, not hers, the empathy that maybe came only because the pain was something he himself had experienced. And that made him feel terrible, but at least he was sincere, and there was no hesitation.
Just like he didn't hesitate in the volcano, he stretched out his hand and pressed Asuka's back. Asuka shivered as if she had been electrically shocked.
"What are you doing?" After a brief silence out of shock, she finally hissed. Still crouched, without looking back.
Shinji's courage, in a way, was close to the fear's paralysis than true courage. Asuka's hostile reaction, however small and relatively meek, reactivated the fear, and the desire to just turn back and run started to fill his head again. Reminding himself that he shouldn't run away, he opened his mouth after a brief struggle. "P, pressure, as, as you said before..."
Asuka didn't reply to that. Shinji, taking it as permission, raised the other hand and pressed Asuka's back with both hands. He felt Asuka's body heat through the thin blanket. His position was a bit awkward, so Shinji carefully climbed onto Asuka's bed and knelt down behind her. Asuka didn't react to it either.
As he sat behind her, he now saw something red emanating from before Asuka. Shinji tilted his head slightly to look over her shoulder. A rectangular digital clock, the kind that's usually placed on a bedside table, was at Asuka's feet, on the bed. It was showing 11:57.
The first thing that came to his mind was the realization that Asuka was counting the time. And the second notion, which hit his head like a hammer was...
It was the fact that he had only three minutes left. Three minutes, until he was completely hated by Asuka.
Shinji's chest tightened. He had to first calm Asuka down, and calm himself down, and then strike up a conversation.
"...not enough."
Shinji blinked. "What?"
Asuka lowered her head. The motion revealed the back of her neck over the blanket, and Shinji was instantly distracted by her skin and auburn fuzz there. "Pressure, I mean. It's not enough."
Shinji licked his lips. "Should I press harder?"
Asuka shook her head. "It melted the whole back, all the way down to the waist. Hands aren't enough, and the blanket feels too rough, it's grating on my skin."
What am I supposed to do? Shinji wanted to ask but hesitated. Asuka solved his question with action. The blanket fell from her shoulders, revealing bare skin. She was naked, wearing nothing, at least on the upper body. Shinji was so shocked he forgot to breathe for some time.
"If you're not going to do it, then don't. If not, commit yourself properly. I don't want halfway measure."
He gasped, the wind making noise passing through his teeth. The clock, which he could still see over her shoulder, was now at 58 minutes. That was weird, because he felt like three hours have passed after entering this room.
The rustling sound brought Shinji to his senses. Asuka was gathering the blanket again. "Make it quick. If you don't like it, get out. And don't come back ever again."
Shinji leaned forward, feeling like he was being trapped, the feeling he almost always felt whenever he interacted with Asuka.
This is what she wanted. She's demanding it. It's to relieve her pain and help her, and there's no other ulterior motive. He kept telling himself.
As if mocking his thoughts, Shinji's groin stiffened like never before. The moment before their body made contact, Shinji recalled Asuka's words that her blanket was too rough for her skin. He didn't think his nightshirt was anyway softer, but removing it was unimaginable, so he just leaned forward, forgetting the whole idea. As soon as her back and his chest met, Asuka moaned softly. Her shoulders, as stiff as Shinji's until moments ago, melted and leaned against Shinji. He took back his waist as much as he could while leaning forward. Asuka punched his side, not too strong, but enough to make him gasp with surprise.
"Did you forget what I said?"
No halfway measures, he recalled. Sweat ran down his forehead. As if hypnotized, Shinji leaned close behind Asuka. Now that he almost gave up, somehow he felt braver than before. If Asuka had ever laughed at him or sent a negative signal, he would have collapsed and run away, but Asuka did not, fortunately for both of them. Instead Asuka leaned back into his arms.
They were hugging, there was no other way to put it. And that thought terrified Shinji. He told himself that it was not different from what they did back in Unit-02, that they had as much physical contact back then, too. That it was fundamentally not different, that they were tolerating this to achieve the greater goal. The other explanation for this situation, that he was embracing her and that she was letting him, was too frightening and obscene for him to handle.
Then, just like the last time they were in Unit-02, Asuka moved her hands to hold his. The hands that were floating around her neck awkwardly. Asuka snorted as Shinji's body stiffened again.
"I'm keeping them tied up so they don't do anything naughty."
"Uh, yeah."
But, after some confusing movements of fingers interlocking and switching places, Shinji's hands ended up folded around Asuka's, not the other way around, but she didn't try to change the accommodation. Shinji focused all his attention on his hands to distract himself from the warmth and touch of Asuka, the smell of shampoo and maddeningly hard erection of his. He felt something rough at his fingertip. It was Asuka's nail, right hand, index finger.
"Did you break your nail, Asuka? Did you get hurt in the battle?"
Asuka's body trembled slightly. It took Shinji a moment to realize it was laughter. "No, never mind. It's nothing."
And it was Shinji's turn to tremble. Not to laugh, but because a few strands of Asuka's hair ended up in his nostrils and tickled him. He felt like sneezing, so he tried to use his hands to get rid of these intruders, but Asuka did not let them go, her fingers locked on his.
"What are you doing?"
"Your, ha, hair,"
Asuka lowered and shook her head. All the strands left Shinji's nose but as an exchange her hair slapped Shinji's cheek.
"It's rough, isn't it? Dry, too."
Asuka asked him. In a low voice. Shinji nodded, and then, realizing it was impossible for her to see it, hurriedly opened his mouth. "Well, a little."
And it surprised him. Asuka's hair shone so beautifully from a distance, like melted copper, but when he saw them this close, they were more brittle, thinner, and weaker than he ever expected.
"It's because I pilot Eva."
He was mesmerized by her almost dreamy voice. The clock was showing 59 minutes, and he knew he had no more time to spend in idle chat anymore, but Shinji could not stop Asuka. Not now.
"LCL doesn't wash off easily, so sometimes I shampoo more than three times a day. And I lived like that for years. No matter what I do, nutrition cream and everything, they just couldn't stand that. I bet I'll lose half of my hair by the time I turn 20 or something."
Shinji had nothing to say to that, and Asuka didn't seem to expect an answer anyway, so he kept his silence. Until a sense of urgency compelled him. "Asuka..."
Asuka tilted her head. "Hmm?"
"What you said in the morning," Shinji swallowed, and checked the clock again. It was still 59 minutes, which means he still had a chance, but the door was closing, and fast. "I, I..."
He felt Asuka's body straining. Shinji forced his knotted stomach to calm down and opened his mouth again.
"I, I..."
Asuka sighed. "Just shut up. Your mouth is your worst enemy, you know."
Oh.
The whole world shook, or at least Shinji felt like it. And he thought everything was going too well, almost like a dream. The reality was never that kind to him but he forgot it for a moment. As he watched with burning eyes, the clock finally marked midnight. Tears welled up in Shinji's eyes. It was so unfair, to get cut in the middle of his speech and mocked like that. She never wanted to give him a chance, he realized. It was a lie from the start.
As if mocking him further, his torturer sighed and leaned back to him even more. Shinji quietly clenched his teeth. The most painful and longest time he ever experienced in his life passed like that. After three minutes which felt like thirty hours, Asuka spoke up.
"That's enough. You can go now."
My purpose is over, you mean. Shinji bitterly thought. He got up without a word and headed for the door, briskly. Even when Asuka whispered 'good night,' he pretended not to hear her, not even sparing a look at her.
That night Shinji buried his face in a pillow and sobbed himself to sleep.
The next morning, with Misato still not home, Shinji gathered himself up and treated his two roommates as professionally as possible. That's what she wanted, wasn't it? Breakfast, lunch box, and everything were taken care of as usual, but no unnecessary words were exchanged, not even a simple greeting. Asuka also kept her distance from Shinji, avoiding eyes and all. Poor Penpen was noticeably depressed, sensing the tense atmosphere but not having a clue why.
Such a tight silence was broken when Asuka finished preparing for school. She, out of nowhere, demanded Shinji see her off to the crosswalk in front of the apartment. The ridiculous demand took him off guard, but he conceded, not wanting to argue with her and by doing so humor her. After he changed into outdoor clothes, Asuka's gaze began to harbor a sting, first from the doorway. Then it escalated into a full-out glare by the time they took the elevator. After an elevator ride that felt like cutting years out of his life expectancy, Shinji stepped through the open door, but Asuka stomped ahead and cut his way, her fists clenched and shoulders stiff.
"What the hell is wrong with you now?"
Shinji was surprised by the aggressive attitude. "But, now we're supposed to, you know, the time limit, you hate me."
Asuka's eyebrows gathered to make an almost single line. Shinji's heart sank at an incomprehensible situation. Asuka closed her eyes tightly and shook her head.
And grabbed Shinji's hand and started dragging him.
"Asuka?" Shinji almost tripped, hurriedly following her.
"You have a lot of free time now that you're suspended. Use them for something useful for a change and come up with a plan for this weekend."
"What plan?"
Asuka looked back with a ferocious smile, pulling Shinji hard.
"Are you an idiot? We'll have to pretend to date!"
Shinji froze, making Asuka abruptly stop. His mouth was agape.
"Oh,"