THE YESTERDAYS GONE

I feel like I'm lost when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here
I thought you should know
You're not making this easy

Promise
Matchbox Romance

Ryan walked into the pool house early that morning to find Rachel in the middle of what appeared to be a nightmare. She shifted, turning her head from side to side and let out short breaths.

He moved over and sat beside her, noticing that she was still dressed in what he's seen her wearing the previous day. Ryan looked down at Rachel for a time running the back of his forefinger along her cheek in a soothing fashion.

"Don't…" She murmured. "Please stop…no…"

Ryan leant closer to his sister and whispered. "Rach, wake up. It's okay, it's just a dream."

He shook her slightly, ripping Rachel from her world and back into reality. Ryan watched as she jumped in fright sitting blot upright and trying to regain her bearings.

Ryan could see the clear distress in his sister's eyes as they locked with his. Before either of them knew what had happened she was in his arms, the remaining unshed tears burning at the back of her eyes.

"He's gone Ry'," she whispered.

Ryan wrapped his arms around Rachel hesitantly feeling how she shook slightly against him. "It was just a dream Rach," he replied.

Rachel shook her head. "No," she replied. "Yesterday…I walked in and he was going through my things…we had a fight and he told me he was leaving."

Ryan now knew exactly what she was talking about. Once he had found Seth after his confrontation with his sister almost a week ago now the Cohen had explained everything. He had said he meant to leave and live with his father, that it would mean having to say goodbye to Rachel. Even though it had killed him inside to do, it was something that he had too.

"I just want him to be happy," Rachel managed. "I love him so much Ry'."

"I know Rach," Ryan murmured in reply letting out a long breath and running a hand through her soft hair. "It'll be alright. He'll be back."

Rachel walked through the school halls trying her hardest to block out all thoughts of the previous night but found it more difficult than she anticipated. Everything reminded her of Seth. Wherever she turned there was a memory. From the place they stood on her first day at Harbor to the spot where he spilt his coffee on his new jeans.

Glancing over quickly she noticed that despite the bell having just gone for lunch he wasn't at his locker like most other students. Rachel didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. She did want to see him, it was Seth after all but she also didn't want to face up to what had happened between them. It was too painful.

Diverting her eyes to the opposite side of the hall Rachel saw Summer forcing her way past a group of football players with a fake smile on her face. Once she had cleared them she rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"Hey Summer," Rachel said approaching the girl.

Summer greeted her with a genuine smile. "What's up?"

"Last I checked," Rachel began. "That would be the ceiling."

Summer gave her a lost look as they began to walk to the courtyard. "Wh…?" She started before clicking her fingers in understanding. "Oh, I get it. That's totally funny. A little too Cohen, but funny."

Rachel looked away then only realising what she'd done once it was too late. "Yeah…"

Summer glanced over to her. "Are you okay?"

"What?" Rachel asked as though being snapped out of a trance. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

They took a seat once they had walked outside and Rachel let out a long breath, liking the feeling of being outdoors. Somehow being stuck in a classroom all day made her anxious. She liked being on the move. Being outside in the sun where everything seemed a little simpler.

"I like heard Cohen's living with his dad now," Summer said cautiously trying not to say anything which could make Rachel too upset.

Rachel nodded absently. "He left last night."

"Did he tell you or whatever?" Summer asked curiously.

Rachel let out a small laugh and shook her head, looking down at her hands for a time. "I pretty much guessed," she replied. "I found his bags and kinda put two and two together."

There was a short pause, which let Rachel slip back into her earlier thoughts of distraught before Summer spoke up. "I'm totally gonna kill that little weasel," she murmured.

Rachel looked over to her for a time before finally giving her an answer, which somehow soothed the pain a little. "He did what's right by him."

Summer rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yeah and totally lost like the best thing that's ever happened to him."

Rachel looked out into the school area, gazing over the gardens and trees. "I'm not Summer," she replied.

Summer laughed then. "Believe me girl, you didn't know the old Cohen.

Rachel let out a breath, wanting so badly to get off the subject but also not wanting to let go of her memories of Seth. "What was so different about him?" She asked.

Summer leant forward on her elbows as though she was going to tell Rachel a secret only for her ears. "Let's just say he had like one too many comic books where there should have been a Playboy."

Not entirely paying attention Rachel absently replied. "Maybe…"

"Not maybe," Summer insisted. "It's a total fact. You changed that boy in ways that no one else could. He was totally different after he met you, and I mean in a totally like good way."

Rachel remained silent then, her attention completely lost now as she sunk back into the feeling of wanting to run away and cry. Seth had changed in the time that she had known him. He had become everything he could to make her happy and to make himself a better person for her. Sometimes Rachel questioned if it was a good thing for him to make himself different to impress her but then she realised that he wasn't changing himself. He was growing. Just like she had.

At Rachel's silence Summer quickly spoke. "I'm sorry, I totally shouldn't be talking about this stuff."

Rachel shook her head then and looked at Summer with a smile. "No, it's cool. I'm just…"

"Trying to ease into things?"

"Something like that."

Summer nodded before her eyes lit up. "Well I'm going to take over Coop duty after school if you wanna come with."

Rachel contemplated the offer. "Might do Ry' some good to take a break," she said.

"God yes," Summer exclaimed. "He's over there like more than he is the Cohen's."

Don't I know it, Rachel thought with a weak smile.

"Yeah, he was saying Marissa was sick," she said.

Summer frowned at her then not quite understanding. "Sick?" She asked. "Only if the cure is vodka tonic and whisky on the rocks."

Rachel stopped short then at Summer's words. "Huh?"

"You know," Summer replied absently. "She's been drinking a lot again."

Rachel stared at her friend in complete and utter shock. "What?"

Summer narrowed her eyes. "After Coop found out that she was like not pregnant she totally went all Robert Downey Junior on us. Ryan just likes to help her because of your mother or something."

Rachel didn't know what to say. She was lost for words. Ryan had lied to her again and about something, which he knew she would have wanted to know. He had looked her in the eyes and made up a sorry attempt at an excuse for why he hadn't been around the house of late.

Rachel sat in shock, barely breathing. She could see Ryan's face as he spoke the words. He'd told her that Marissa had the flu and that he was looking after her. He didn't mention anything about a drinking problem. He never told her that one of her closest friends was slipping into the same world, which their mother had.

Rachel closed her eyes for a long moment and took in a breath. She couldn't trust anything Ryan had been telling her of late. Everything that left his mouth was laced with something other than the truth. It killed her inside to know this. To know that what he had told her that morning as a way of soothing her pain was probably going to turn out to be a lie, just like everything else.

Seth dropped his bags onto the large bed as he walked into what would now be known as his bedroom. It was a cosy room, a little smaller than his previous one, and overlooked the beach and pier. The rented house wasn't all that bad. Not as expansive and rich as their old home but it still stood proud in one of the most expensive parts of Newport.

Seth let out a breath as he leant against the window seel and peered out, gazing at the jetty as the boats floated upon the calm water. His eyes trailed along the pier until they fell upon the end. It was where he had once sat, waiting for Rachel and what would only turn out to be one of the hardest nights of his life.

Tearing his eyes away Seth tipped his bags of belongings onto the bed and stared at them for a time before making a half-hearted attempt at sorting them out.

Sandy knocked quietly on the door and opened it at Seth's word. "How are you holding up Seth?"

Seth continued to sort through his clothes. "I'm fine."

"You know you'll have to go back to school tomorrow."

Seth nodded absently. "Yeah I know."

"And you might want to call Rachel," Sandy continued. "Just to let her know you're okay."

Seth stopped short then. He hadn't even thought about getting into contact with Rachel, not after how he'd left her the previous night. But at the same time he figured it would probably be a good idea to check up on her. Just to make sure she wasn't breaking under the pressure of what had been happening around her of late.

The image of her wrist flashed across Seth's mind and his chest tightened at the thought of what she'd done. It terrified him to think that him leaving could cause her to do herself even more harm.

"Yeah," Seth replied. "I'll do it later."

Sandy nodded in reply before walking out the door and leaving his son with his thoughts.

Rachel sat upon her bed racking her brain for answers to the questions which lay in front of her but the more she tried the harder it became to concentrate. Her mind just refused to focus on the task at hand and within only minutes she slammed her book shut and thrown in to the end of the bed in frustration.

Soon however, she found her attention caught by the sound of her cell-phone ringing. With a sigh Rachel reached over to the bedside table and grabbed the device just as it was about to vibrate off the table and onto the floor.

Getting comfy again she looked down at the phone as it continued to ring in her hand. She could see the name of the caller as it flashed upon the tiny display screen on the cover. In the second the name registered in her mind Rachel realised what it was that had been preventing her from focusing on her homework.

She stared blankly at the screen silently begging the phone to go quiet so she wouldn't have to face the fact that this person was still trying to get into contact with her. But in her heart she was willing herself to accept the call, to talk and to let their voice sooth away all her worries as it once had.

Seth waited as the phone continued to ring. He paced back and forth in his new bedroom, tapping his fingers along the wall as he did. On one hand he wanted Rachel to pick up, just for reassurance that she was fine and that nothing had happened. On the other hand he dreaded hearing her voice say his name out of fear that he would completely lose it.

Stopping his movement Seth fell back onto the bed and lay there listening to the dial tone as it continued to seek connection with the other line. He bounced the back of his head against the mattress for a time trying to knock some courage back into his mind but found it near impossible.

Suddenly the phone clicked over.

Rachel held the phone to her ear but found that the words just refused to come out. She couldn't speak, could barely even breathe and all because of the young man who she knew was on the other end of the line.

Not even a simple hello could escape her lips as Rachel bent her knees up and placed her forehead against them in an act to calm herself. How could something be so hard? Only a day before, prior to her discovering him going through her things she had been kissing Seth. Holding onto him like nothing could ever make her let him go, and now she didn't have the courage within herself to say a simple greeting.

This is what he reduced her too. A complete mess of emotions so complex that not even she could unravel the meanings. Rachel closed her eyes tightly.

Seth's heart rate sped up so quickly that he could feel it pumping in his ears as he lay there staring at the ceiling and yet not really seeing it. He wanted to speak. To cry out to Rachel and beg her to forgive him. He had never meant to hurt her. Would never even dream of it.

Somewhere deep inside Seth he just wished that things were the way they once were between them. Just another sweet, young couple in love, nothing more, nothing less. Things that could not be made right with words, were fixed with a kiss.

Now things were different and it was all his fault. He couldn't put any of the blame on Rachel, she had simply been there. It was he, Seth Cohen, who had changed the course of their relationship possibly forever. And it was he, Seth Cohen who dreaded the thought of it staying that way.

Slowly, after a time Rachel pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at it again. She wanted Seth to be holding her the way he once did. The way it felt as though she was the only thing in the world that he would ever care about. She wanted him to love her.

But through a choice which Seth had made, he had destroyed that for the both of them. He had changed the rules and made the game become impractical.

So slowly Rachel let out a long breath and flipped the cell-phone closed as a way of saying goodbye.

The week after the phone call passed quickly and both Seth and Rachel did almost anything in their power to avoid seeing each other. They felt that they just needed a little time to breathe.

But soon the annual S.N.O.C dance was upon them and piles of Newport teens were making their way into the beautifully decorated halls. It was a custom to create the winter dance in Newport as it was a rarity to see any weather which could be classified as cold.

Many familiar faces crowded the dance floor and surrounding tables as Rachel scanned the room. The only reason why she was standing there now was because Summer had insisted on bringing her along with or without Seth. She figured that Rachel deserved to have a little fun, and what better way to do it?

Gazing across the room wanting more than ever to simply run and hide Rachel spotted someone whom made her stop short.

"Oh my God," she whispered as her eyes fell on the young man weaving his way through the tables not too far away.

Pushing past a group of party-goers Rachel jogged across the room and threw herself into his arms much to his surprise. But when Luke realised who it was he was holding he let out a laugh and twirled her around slightly.

"Hey," he said letting Rachel go in order to have a good look at her. "Wow, you look good."

Rachel grinned widely at him. "I can't believe you're here."

Luke nodded. "Yeah, I got back yesterday morning," he replied.

Rachel frowned slightly. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?" She asked before slapping him on the arm.

Luke recoiled back with a laugh. "Because I would have been risking injury," he joked watching Rachel playfully glare at him. "So where's Seth?"

Rachel was quick to mask the hurt which she felt creep along her features. "Don't worry about him," she dismissed taking Luke's hand and leading him over to a pair of sofas in the corner of the room. "I want to know everything. How was Florida?"

Luke looked into Rachel's eyes as he took a seat and saw something there that he never had before. It was almost emptiness. Shaking his head slightly, Luke smiled before he began to speak.

Seth felt the breath catch in his throat as his eyes fell upon the young girl sitting on the arm of the sofa in the corner. If he didn't know better he may have mistaken her for Anna if her hair was a little longer and she'd spent more time in the sun. If not for the familiar tribal sun tattoo on the base of her spine he may have completely missed her.

Her usually brown hair was now a soft blonde, chopped off above her shoulders. Seth's jaw physically dropped at the sight of Rachel's slim figure clad in a hip hugging skirt and backless top. The only thing, which kept it against her were half a dozen ties at the back. As she crossed her legs he was able to see the rich, ebony, knee-high boots which fit snug against her flesh.

Seth watched closely as she laughed at a comment made by her companion who to no surprise was a young male.

Luke? Seth thought shocked. What's he doing here?

It occurred to Seth that Luke was oddly casual around such a beauty and did a fine job of not looking at her exposed legs as she sat before him.

Little rat, Seth growled internally. I bet you don't know what's under that wrist cuff.

It had not passed Seth's attention that Rachel had strategically used the accessory as a way to hide what she didn't want others to see.

At that moment he felt as though he was seeing an all new side to Rachel. She was taking on more of the dark, mysterious and yet incredible sexy nature which Seth could only guess came from her Chino roots. The new act didn't go well with him despite the obvious perks in her physical appearance. This was not the Rachel that Seth knew.

Rachel laughed again, this time allowing her eyes to wonder briefly across the room. The toothy grin instantly vanished from her face as her eyes locked with Seth's. He saw what appeared to be a cloud over her expression but knew that it was not obvious enough for Luke to pick up. He didn't know her like Seth. Hadn't spent time simply watching her just trying to take in her every inch.

Rachel quickly turned back to Luke and glanced at his watch. Seth followed her movements as she said something to him. Soon they both stood and she began to lead him through the crowd and into a less exposed area. It only took a moment for Luke to turn and glance at Seth questioningly for him to know that it was indeed he who had caused their departure.

"Hey," Hailey said as she approached Jimmy as he sat upon the sand watching the waves upon the horizon. "Now I know where Rachel gets it from."

She sat down beside him and smiled weakly, knowing exactly why he was out there, alone. He had confided in her about his growing concern for Marissa's health. It had not taken Hailey long to figure out that by the sounds of things, his daughters condition was getting steadily worse instead of better.

"What?" Jimmy finally asked.

Hailey nudged him slightly. "She comes out here a lot, just to think."

Jimmy was nodding then. He too knew of Rachel's love for the beach in times of crisis. "It's a nice spot."

"Yeah," Hailey replied. "Look, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over for dinner one night. It might do Kirsten some good to have a friendly face around the house."

"How is she?" Jimmy asked.

Hailey let out a sigh. "On a scale of one-to-ten, I'd have to say pretty crappy. Work has pretty much become her baby for now. She keeps insisting that she's just busy but I know it's more than that."

Jimmy sat quietly for a moment before nodding his head. "Alright. I'll be there."

When Rachel placed the final book into her locker she caught sight of Seth approaching from her left. At that moment she didn't want to speak with him, mostly due to the fact that the conversation would most likely steer back to what had happened at the party. She didn't want to have to admit that she had left because he was there. That having him so close made her head spin.

Slamming the door shut Rachel turned and began to walk away out through the hall. But despite what she wanted, within only moment she found herself no longer alone.

"I was hoping we could talk," Seth said as he fell into step beside her.

Rachel attempted not to let his presence affect her. "I have class," she replied.

"No you don't," Seth stated dodging past a large group of cheerleaders. "You have a free now."

"It's good to know my schedules still private," Rachel murmured sarcastically as she sped up slightly.

Just having Seth so close to her made her chest ache. She wanted to touch him, to be in his arms. Her mind wouldn't let her forget what had once been between them and her heart refused to stop loving him.

Seth found himself taking long, quick strides to keep up with her though she was much shorter than him. "You know I know it," he stated. "That's how we used to meet up."

Rachel rolled her eyes trying to mask the pang in her heart from his words. "Well we don't do that any more so just forget my classes."

"Look," Seth finally said, jumping in front of Rachel and forcing her to stop.

She stood there for a long moment simply staring at him. "Seth, move."

Seth shook his head strongly. "Not until we talk."

"We are talking," Rachel replied. "And I'm telling you to get out of my way."

Seth was now seeing that the task he had set himself out to do was not going to be as easy as he hoped. All that he wanted to do was try and clear things up between them. Maybe help the healing process a little but Rachel clearly didn't want him around her.

"Rach…"

"God dammit Seth," Rachel growled forcefully pushing past him when he refused to move.

Seth stood stunned for a time, his mouth opening and shutting in a dumbfounded fashion. He felt a frown come over his face at the thought that Rachel was mad enough to not even want him near her. To not want to talk, or go to lunch, or do anything that they once had.

"I'm sorry!" Seth yelled in a last attempt to win her over.

Rachel stopped dead mere meters outside the doorway when she heard the two words, which nearly killed her inside. She soon felt a familiar hand touch her lower back and she closed her eyes momentarily, taking in a long breath.

"I know you're mad at me," Seth whispered.

"Very observational of you," Rachel replied.

Seth grinned when he heard her voice, free from the anger it once held. "Why, thank you."

Finally Rachel spun around to face Seth and was instantly stunned by what she saw in his eyes. They were full of hurt and despair.

"What do you want from me Seth?" She asked desperately. "First you say you wanna spend time apart and now you're chasing me through school trying to be what, my friend?"

"Yes," Seth insisted. "I want to be friends."

Rachel looked deep into Seth's eyes searching for even the slightest hint of love, which they once contained. "I can't just be your friend," she murmured. At his silence she continued. "Look, I have to go."

Seth took hold of her arm before she could turn. "Will you be okay?"

Rachel frowned slightly at the question, a little shocked by what he had asked. "I have to be," she sighed.

Seth shook his head at her. "No you don't," he stated.

"This is me we're talking about Seth."

Seth took a small step closer to her, allowing his hand to slide down to her forearm where her scars were healing. "You used to always say that," he said.

Rachel looked up at him. "Yeah and remember what happened?"

Seth ran his thumb along the inside of her arm watching Rachel's eyes closed momentarily as he did. "That's what I mean," he remarked noticing how Rachel had now diverted her eyes from his. "You haven't answered my question."

Rachel let out a breath as Seth moved a little closer, so close that she could smell the light fragrance of his aftershave. "Yes I have," she whispered.

"It's yes or no," Seth answered surprising himself by the seriousness in his tone.

Rachel looked up at him, only then realising in fact just how close they were. "What do you want me to say?" She asked.

Seth watched her closely. "The truth."

Rachel gazed into his eyes for a long time, feeling his breath against her face and wanting more than ever for him to kiss her. "Then probably not," she admitted with evident pain in her voice.

She finally pulled away from Seth's touch and turned, leaving him standing in the school doorway. This time, he didn't follow.

Rachel yawned as she walked through the backyard later that afternoon, cracking the ever-present kinks in her neck. Letting out a long breath she approached the pool house with a little less enthusiasm than she would have hoped. She wished she were seeing Ryan so that she could talk to him, actually hold a conversation like they once did. Instead she was delivering a message about dinner from Hailey.

Pushing the door open withouta second thought about knocking Rachel stopped dead for the second time in many days as she took in the scene before her. Ryan stood at his bed throwing various clothing items into his backpack.

"What the hell are you doing?" Rachel asked before she could stop herself. The look she received from Ryan was enough. "You're kidding."

Ryan looked away from her and continued to pack. "Does it look like I'm laughing?"

Rachel stood frozen, barely being able to breathe. She'd lost Seth already in a similar way, she didn't know if she could handle losing Ryan as well.

"No…" Rachel whispered.

"What?"

She ran over to the bed quickly and threw her arms over the bag preventing Ryan from putting any more items into it. "You're not doing this."

Ryan slammed the pile of shirts he held onto the bed beside his sister. "Stop it Rachel!" He yelled.

"Bite me!" She screamed back.

The tension mounted in the room so quickly that neither of the Atwood children could prevent their sudden need to let out their anger. Ryan showed complete and utter frustration toward his sister. He couldn't stand her being so difficult. On the other hand Rachel couldn't understand how Ryan could be being so selfish.

"What do you want?" Ryan finally asked.

Rachel stared at him and leaned back from the bag. "Nothing other than a freakin' good explanation."

Ryan let out a sigh. "Read the note."

Rachel's eyes ticked to the bedside table closest to her where she saw what appeared to be a folded piece of paper. For a long moment she simply stared at it not being able to comprehend the way in which Ryan had decided to tell her of his departure.

"You honestly stooped that low that you couldn't even face me?" Rachel asked more to herself than to her brother.

Ryan picked up the clothing he had previously discarded and tossed it in with the rest. "Because I knew that this would happen."

"What the hell did you expect?" She demanded. "You're packing up to go to God knows where and you expect me to just stand aside?"

Ryan glared at his sister. "Yeah," he said snatching up the bag. "Now move."

Rachel was quiet for a time and she honestly thought in those few seconds Ryan would turn and walk out the door. To her surprise he stood fast and watched her.

"It's just like last time," Rachel finally said. "Are you gonna promise not to leave and then I'll wake up and you'll be gone?" She looked up at him, eyes full of disappointment and betrayal. "Is that what the meaning of 'brother' is to you?" When Ryan didn't answer Rachel lost control of her temper. "Answer me dammit!"

"I'm leaving," Ryan finally replied and began to walk toward the door.

"No!" Rachel yelled jumping off the bed and throwing herself against the door so that Ryan had no way to escape other than to move her aside. "You're not getting off that easily, not after everything that's happened."

Ryan took in a long breath and adjusted the bag on his shoulder. "Why not?"

"Because I'm sick to death of you trying to be the hero!" Rachel screamed before she had the chance to stop herself.

Ryan only laughed at the comment. "I'll remember that the next time you need me."

Rachel stared into Ryan's eyes for a long moment. "I've needed you a lot lately and you haven't been there. Jesus, you sound like Trey."

"Trey was never like me," Ryan growled. "His entire life was about himself, just like Steve. The only time he ever helped you was when he got something out of…"

Ryan was stopped mid-sentence as Rachel's palm collided with his cheek. His head turned slightly from the impact and when he finally looked back at her he could see Rachel was shaking.

"Don't you dare talk about him like that you bastard," Rachel threatened.

"I'm telling you the truth, I thought that's what you wanted," Ryan insisted.

"You're telling me your screwed up version of the truth."

Ryan looked closely at his sister then trying to keep his anger in check as he spoke. "I'm not like Trey," he spoke. "I don't lie about things so that I can feel better about myself."

This time Rachel forcefully slapped Ryan, using all her strength and built up frustration. "Bullshit!" She yelled. "That's all you've been doing lately, just so you don't have to deal with the truth. You're running away to Marissa and trying to fix her problem as fast as possible so that you don't have to deal with the real issue. If you stay here and let this blow over then you'll have to admit that she's like mum and that you couldn't help her."

Before Rachel could get another word out she found her back slammed up against the glass door with enough force to startle her. Ryan's hands clamped tightly around her upper arms as he pinned her there and tried not to do anything stupid.

"Get your hands off me," Rachel whispered.

Ryan pressed his face close to hers. "Marissa is not like mum," he growled.

"Then why am I staring Trey in the face right now?"

Ryan gave her a small shove before letting go of her arms and taking a step back. "Get out of my way."

"Make me," Rachel replied.

"I swear to God…" Ryan threatened.

"What?" Rachel asked. "Are you gonna hit me? Go ahead. You're the only one left you hasn't, so what difference will it make?"

Ryan was a little taken off guard by her comment but made sure as to not let her see this. "Don't push it."

"Because if I do then you'll have to drop the protective act and become the one I need protecting from," She stated. "Go on," Rachel said, spreading her arms wide as an invitation. "Hit me. It'll be the one thing that you haven't lied to me about because you pretty much just told me you wanted too."

"I'm not a liar."

"Really? So the act about you and Marissa never sleeping together, or the time you told me you didn't know who Steve was…they were all just what, half truths?"

Ryan let out a long breath and went to push past Rachel. "We're not having this conversation."

"Fine. Go. At least this time I'm awake to see you leave," Rachel said causing Ryan to stop as his hand wrapped around the doorhandle. "Oh, and thanks for the letter, it tells me a lot about who you really are."

Ryan turned to look at her. "Well you're awake to say goodbye, so say it."

"I said I'm awake to see you leave," Rachel stated turning to meet his gaze. "I didn't say anything about saying goodbye."

"So this is how you're gonna leave it?"

"You tell me."

Ryan shook his head in annoyance, his patience finally running out. "Fine, be the selfish little brat you've always been."

Rachel hid the flash of pain, which crossed her eyes at her brother's words. "Interesting word 'selfish'. Doesn't it mean someone who does something only for themselves?" She looked around the room for a moment. "And here we are…"

Ryan gritted his teeth together. "You're skating on really thin ice Rachel."

Rachel stood silent for a moment feeling her hands shaking ever so slightly. Her heart drummed loudly within her chest and her eyes burned from unshed tears. When she finally spoke, her voice was soft and weak.

"I hope this time I fall in," she whispered.

Ryan instantly regretted everything, which he had, previously said to her and touched her arm sympathetically. "Rach…"

Rachel looked up to meet Ryan's eyes and didn't hide the pain, which her own contained. "Then it will all be over and you'll stop having to pretend to actually care." With that she turned and walked out.

"Rach don't…" Ryan tried but received no response other than the retreating back of his sister.

He let out a long sigh and ran a single hand through his hair, before adjusting the backpack and leaving the pool house for a final time.

The room felt cold as Seth walked in silently. The only light which could be seen was from the moon as it glowed through the gaps in the closed blinds. A silence closed in around him as he took a few steps deeper into the room.

As quietly as he could, Seth began to gather some extra clothes from his drawers and throw them over his shoulder. All the while he could hear the faint breathing of the girl sleeping not too far away, upon the bed which he had once called his own.

Seth closed his eyes tightly for a moment to try and calm his heart as it pounded loudly in his chest. If felt as though the room was spinning and all because of the conscious thought in the back of his mind that he shouldn't be where he was.

Finally satisfied with his work, Seth closed the drawers and turned to leave. But in that instant he did the one thing which he had told himself to avoid at all costs…he looked over at Rachel.

He stood and watched her for a time as she layed curled up on her side, eyes closed lightly, blanket draped over her waist. It didn't take Seth long to notice how she shivered ever so slightly from the lack of warmth in the room. In the past he would have pulled her close to him as they slept, arms wrapped protectively around her and warmed her body with his own. But that was no longer to be.

Not being able to leave right away Seth walked quietly up to the bed and crouched down beside Rachel. He studied her face for a time, wishing that she were awake so that he could look into her eyes once again. Although he was glad that she remained asleep because he didn't want to hurt her with his presence.

Edging a little closer Seth could feel her warm, sweet breath against his face. He could almost count her eyelashes if he so wanted too. He was well aware that Rachel's lips lay mere millimetres away from his own and Seth's gaze flicked down to them momentarily before he hung his head and let out a shallow breath. He glanced down at her exposed arms and took hold of the blanket, which lay around her. He gently pulled it up to her chin and tucked it in at her side.

Seth reluctantly pulled away a little allowing the back of his forefinger to brush against Rachel's cheek. He smiled slightly as he touched her smooth skin, remembering how she always dismissed his comments that it felt like silk.

Seth sat calmly for a few minutes longer trailing faint lines across the side of Rachel's face. After a time though he reluctantly rose from his spot, threw his clothes over his shoulder and walked out of the room.

The moment that the door quietly clicked shut a single tear slipped from Rachel's eye. It rolled down the cheek, which Seth had just touched, burning with an undying pain until it finally fell onto the pillow beneath.

TO BE CONTINUED………

(Woohoo. I hope you guys liked it. This was probably one of the easiest chapters to write and I have no idea why. Lol. Next chapter sees conversations with Sandy and Seth about what they've done, an encounter between Seth and Rachel where all their feelings are put on the table and the development of life now that everyone is separated. Please review)

Sleepinbeauty: Aw, don't cry. Lol. I'm in two minds when people tell me that. I'm like, it's good cos that means that I did something right, but then it's bad cos I don't wanna make people sad. I think a lot of people understand why Seth decided to leave but it's almost like they don't want too cos that means that there is a side to him that is focused on himself instead of his relationships with the people around him. Lol. Believe me I update as soon as I can cos I hate leaving you guys up in the air about things. But yes, you eagerly anticipating more is definitely good reason to get them up quicker. Lol. And don't worry about review space. The longer the review the more I can write back :)

Kitotterkat: It's so fantastic that you thought this was fantastic! Thank you for liking the music lines. We have my best friend to thank for Evanescence cos she was the one who introduced me to that song a while ago. Music is a huge was to express yourself. It totally is for me. It is for a lot of people and I thought that it gave Rachel's emotions a completely new dimension and it also gave Seth something to really think about. I still can't get over everyone thinking that this was such a great chapter. I honestly didn't like it. Lol. I dunno why it just didn't really do it for me. I purposefully put in that time period where you didn't know what was going on with Marissa but you saw how it was effecting Ryan cos it kinda puts you into Rachel's frame of mind. She's watching this person she loves just dying inside and she can't do anything about it. Rachel is a funny one like that, with acting all independent but at the end of the day her real strength comes from the people around her. I think that is something that makes her relatable cos we're all like that in some respect. Its fantastic that you think that Summer/Rachel relationship is good cos I really love those two. I reckon that they kinda represent the sides of each other that are rarely seen. Like Summer is the more typical girlie side of Rachel which doesn't come out too often and Rachel is the deeper, more troubled side of Summer which isn't seen a lot. I loved the scene with Seth and Summer. It was probably the easiest one to write just cos I knew that it had to be a total eye-opener for this guy who was completely oblivious to everything that was going on around him cos he was so caught up in his own world. Thanks for the fantastic review

Meezardra: Omg you are a freak! Lol. No way, that's a HUGE compliment that you check everyday…kinda obsessive…lol. Nuh. Thank you, seriously. It's very sweet. I'm Aussie baby born and bred! And it's so cool I got someone who actually understands the emu joke. Thank God! I was wondering where I could put something Australian in where it wouldn't look too obvious but would be cool for the people who understood what it meant. I'll post a review. You just keep updating! Cya

SparkiMonkey: Wow, I'm starting to have to go through your reviews and put them in sections to write back to. You are the undisputed queen of reviewing! Lol. You should check out Almost Here it's a great song. When I heard it the first time I was like…hmm…where can I add this in? Lol. I'm assuming you weren't an Evanescence fan before that chapter? It's an amazing song. It just summed up Rachel in a nutshell at that point and I really liked putting it in there. And it is very much a Seth and Ryan thing. She's kinda gotten to this point and thought 'what happened?' Everything used to be so perfect and now it's completely confusing. There is no doubt that Rachel is totally independent when she has to be but I think it's cos she's seeing Ryan and Seth and they're just out of her grasp that it makes it worse. It was sad to think of her going to Ryan at this one point and hoping that he would be there and realising that he wasn't. It was a huge wake-up-call. Ryan does care. He always has and he always will, I just think that he was at the point where he was thinking that he didn't need and extra thing on top of what he already had. But it did totally kill Rachel to hear him say 'I don't care' even if he didn't mean it. In the pool house I wanted it to kinda be the moment where they were together but not really. It was sorta like Rachel putting herself in the place where she wants to be physically but mentally she is the furthest from that. Who said I was gonna save my life? There are no guarantees that Rachel and Seth will get back together. But Seth is being totally self-absorbed right now. He is so consumed in his own world that he doesn't realise he's shutting Rachel out. Deep down Seth with always love Rachel, just like she will always love him. They've shared so much that it's impossible for them not too. I think at this moment now though, Seth just doesn't realise how much he does care about her. He probably won't until he realises that she's really gone and all cos of a stupid thing that he did. Just like anyone Seth is totally naive about what is good for him. He doesn't realise just how important Rachel is in keeping him grounded cos like the old her, he thinks he's invincible and can deal with things on his own. I think Rachel would have been cutting herself for a while, instead of it just being a once off kinda thing. It's sort of her silent cry for help and trying to tell people that she isn't as strong as she's making herself out to be and that what's happening around her is taking its toll. Wow. That song is Rachel in a nutshell. I love it! Yeah Luke ain't gone. You can take the boy outa the OC but you can't take the OC outa the boy if you get me. You read my reviews. Lol. Nice work. And yay for the people who read the story. I am so grateful. I dunno if I'd call them fans cos that just sounds really strange. I dunno. I'm just so happy that people are liking and supporting what I'm doing. I think is Schwartz did cast a Rachel I'd want it to be me. Lol. Just cos I'm so protective of that character cos she's mine, you know? Wow that Anouk song was awesome. It's totally true. Seth and Rachel do love each other, I'm not denying that. I think they just haven't realised how much yet. Thanks for the review and keep them long! I don't care is you ramble. I do it all the time. It's fun. And you don't have to thank me for writing back. I like doing it. And my theory is, if you guys take the time to read and review my story I will take the time to read and review back :)

Leentje: You make it out like I'm some evil bitch lady from hell! I didn't meant to make everyone cry and get upset it's just the way the story and the characters were headed. Kirsten and Sandy's story will pan out. The focus isn't really on them at the moment but rather the chain reaction that they started. Seth left Rachel because he's scared. He doesn't want to lose his father and he doesn't want to see his family in ruins. You have to be patient about this stuff. It's not gonna sort itself out in one chapter.