THE NEVER ENDING
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now
But if by chance you change your mind
You know I will not let you down
Cos we were the special two and will be again
-The Special Two
-Missy Higgins
Sandy walked down the quiet street not too far from the beach drinking his coffee and gazing up at the sky. He was heading back to his office after a short lunch break but felt at that moment like the time he had rested had stretched on for an eternity. He let out a long sigh before allowing his eyes to wonder to the end of the sidewalk where he saw a welcome face walking in his direction.
Rachel's eyes were downcast as she kicked a small stone along the path as she walked. She wore casual clothes and a backpack was slung over her shoulder. Sandy smiled at the sight having not seen the young Atwood in quite some time now. He wondered briefly if she and Seth had sat down for a good talk yet, but something about the item he carried in his jacket pocket told him otherwise.
"Rachel," Sandy began causing her to look up at the voice. "Hello."
"Oh, hey Sandy," she answered with a small smile.
They both stopped a few feet from each other not quite knowing what to say to fill in a the silence which swept over them.
"How are you?" Sandy asked concerned.
Rachel shrugged slightly. "I'm good."
Sandy let out a chuckle at her response. "Now answer with a little less lying."
Rachel looked at him for a time wondering why it was that she had not hidden her true feelings from Sandy. Usually she would have used her finely tuned mask to ensure that no one knew she wasn't speaking the truth to them. But this time…
"I'm okay," she replied.
"A little less…"
Rachel gazed up to the sky for a time before letting out a long breath. "I'm crap, alright?" She finally answered. "You left, my brother is off on some hero adventure and my boyfriend dumped me." She stood silently for a time. "I'm great."
"I'm sorry Rachel," Sandy replied causing her to close her eyes and look back down to the ground.
Rachel ran her hand through her short locks. "I don't want to do this Sandy."
"I know the feeling," he replied causing a slight twinkle to appear in Rachel's eyes.
"How's the house?" She asked.
Sandy nodded as he spoke. "It's nice," he replied. "A little large for just two people but I can't really complain."
Sure you can, Rachel thought. You've got every right too.
"I spoke to Ryan the other day," He continued.
Rachel was snapped out of her train of thought quickly by the comment. "Yeah?" She asked though her voice was uninterested.
"He said he's doing good," Sandy continued. "But he looked warn out."
Rachel let out a sigh. "I wouldn't know."
Sandy watched her for a moment as though trying to read her thoughts but this time Rachel's shield was up with a powerful force. "Yes, he mentioned you two haven't been in touch for a while. He also said a few words were exchanged before he left."
Rachel almost laughed then but managed to compose herself. "You could call it that."
Sandy smiled at her placing a calm hand on Rachel's shoulder. "I'd better be going," he said. "But Seth asked me to give you this if I happened to run into you." Sandy handed over what looked like a black business envelope. "Would you like me to pass on a message?"
Rachel stared at the object in her hands before looking up at Sandy for a moment. "No…" she whispered.
Sandy nodded after a time and smiled again. "It was nice seeing you again." And with that he walked off.
Rachel watched him go for a moment before she looked down at the envelope in her hands. Beginning to continue walking she tore open the seel and paused. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what was inside. She didn't know if she could live with messages but no actual contact with Seth.
Taking in a long breath Rachel shook her head and reached inside the envelope. What she pulled out was something that she had not expected. It was a comic book.
Handmade in black and white ink the front cover was an intricate design of crisscrossing lines and patterns. Rachel stared at it for a moment, something about the image forcing her to not look away. Within only moments she realised why. Within the pattern, carefully and skilfully placed were letters, words.
The Adventures of Seth Cohen and Rachel Atwood
Rachel felt the breath catch in her throat for a long moment before she was able to will herself to open the book. Inside, upon every page was a story all in its own. Pictures of characters who were so familiar to Rachel appeared before her eyes, speaking words far greater than any which were written upon the page.
She knew those moments. They were each a time in her past, which she had shared with Seth. Some were significant, others, just simple conversations, or moments of total silence. But they all had one thing in common. They had all been times of complete happiness.
Rachel continued to flip through the book forcing back the array of emotions, which threatened to overwhelm her at any moment. By the time she had reached the end she looked up to realise she was at her destination. Moving forward to the final page five simple words sitting scrawled upon the paper struck Rachel so hard that she thought she would physically collapse.
Why can't we go back?
She stared at them for a long moment feeling everything she wished she didn't have too. Feeling complete emptiness and confusion and hate and love. But within only moments Rachel found her eyes trailing along the side of the building and coming to rest upon a rubbish bin sitting not too far away from her.
Kirsten sipped her coffee as she sat with Seth in a small café not too far from her work. Every so often she would flick her gaze over to him and watch as he played with the straw for his milkshake. She realised that he hadn't payed any form of attention to the actual drink, something which was unusual for a young man who would take any excuse possible to eat.
"So, how was your day?" Kirsten asked her son pulling him out of his dream world.
Seth shrugged slightly. "Pretty uneventful," he answered.
Kirsten nodded her head and let out a sigh. "Look, Seth…" she began.
"Don't mum," Seth replied. "Excuses are reserved for lawyers, thieves and that freaky Canadian guy down at the Crab Shack who can never think of a reason why there's a hair in your plate."
"He said it was part of the crab," Kirsten stated quite amused.
Seth looked up at her with a smile. "A crab with an afro," he replied. "I'd pay good money to see that one."
Kirsten laughed at his comment realising how much she had missed Seth's humour in her daily life. But her thoughts were cut short when out of the corner of her eye she saw someone she hadn't laid eyes on for almost two weeks. Sandy.
"Seth, there you are," he said as he approached the table. "I've been looking everywhere for…" Sandy's eyes fell on his wife as she sat across from their son staring up at him. "Kirsten," he said.
"Sandy," she replied.
"On that note," Seth began, standing from the table. "I'll be taking my not-so-smooth strawberry smoothie and leaving you two fine people."
There was a short pause before anyone spoke.
"Hang on a second," Kirsten said. "What are you doing?"
"Something that should have been done a long time ago," Seth replied. He placed his hands on Sandy's shoulders and pushed him into his vacant spot. "Now you two are going to sit here…" He beckoned a waitress over. "Order yourselves some lunch…" He pulled out a small bundle of money and placed it on the table. "And sort this whole thing out." With that Seth turned and left.
Tension racked Rachel's body, mixtures of pain, confusion and anger seeped through her veins and seemed to find no end. At moments she felt overwhelmed, sometimes to the point where she literally had to close her eyes, breathe and simply be.
But this very moment was so much different for she was not aware of what it was she was exactly feeling. Everything was spinning within Rachel's mind, so uncontrollably fast and violently that it was as though she felt nothing and everything all at the same time. So to simply try and feel something she did the one thing she knew could truly release her emotions.
Rachel slammed the punching bag again, ravelling in the feeling she received from unleashing the caged emotions within herself. The room where she stood was placed in a private studio adjoining a basketball stadium, which Luke had introduced her to. She had always wondered just how long it would be until the true fighter within came out. Rachel knew that it was in her nature to be drawn here. Being raised in Chino, amongst gangs and warfare had effected her mind on levels she was not aware of.
Striking out again Rachel watched as the bag swayed violently and barely flinched when a young man in his early twenties with a shaved her and toned muscles took a hold of it to stop the movement. She took so little notice of him that she almost missed the slight smile upon his face as he braced himself against the bag.
"Anyone ever told you, you've got a nice swing on ya?" He asked playfully, with a wide grin on his face.
Rachel simply stared at him before stepping in and delivering a mind blowing right cross sending a jolt through his body. "Just the people I've hit," she answered.
The newcomer laughed openly at her bluntness and Rachel tried desperately not to let on her uneasiness around him as he took a drink.
"Haven't seen you 'round here before," he continued. "You new in town?"
Rachel threw her belongings into her bag quickly before slipping it over her shoulder. "I wish."
Watching as she began to walk toward the exit the man smiled slyly. "Funny, cos my man Steve said ya were."
Rachel stopped dead in her tracks feeling her heart rate increase at his words. Before she had the chance to react he was upon her, gathering the front of her singlet top in his fist and slamming her against a nearby wall.
Rachel cringed slightly from the painful impact as her head rocked back and cracked against the wall. But instead of struggling, she stood there, never letting her gaze leave the mans eyes. His fist was pressing so hard into her collarbone that she could practically feel the bruises being created along her flesh.
"Ya learn those moves from your bro?" The man asked pushing her deeper into the wall.
"Who the hell are you?" Rachel managed.
"Tony's the name girl and I'm just – let's say – a pal of ol' Steve's."
Rachel moved slightly trying to ease the pain that he was creating against her chest. Looking around she cursed inwardly at the absence of people around them. The studio was empty.
"What do you want?" Rachel demanded.
Tony frowned deeply at her. "Yo, listen up, I'm the one that asks the question's girl," he stated. "Where's your bro?" The words made Rachel physically try and rid herself of the man. "Hit a nerve in that pretty lil' head of yours?"
"Touch him and I swear to God I'll kill you," Rachel exclaimed not being too sure where she was getting the confidence to threaten a man who had the upper hand over her.
But Tony only laughed at her before pulling his fist back and slamming it into her jaw. The impact combined with the sudden release of her clothing caused Rachel's head to spin and sent her body crashing to the floor. Vision going black for a time she struggled to get to her knees but Tony was quick to drop down to her level.
"One sucker punch and ya down?" He questioned. "Try to kill me bitch, just try."
Rachel's eyes ticked down to his boots for a fraction of a second and in the moment that she realised what was coming was unable to move fast enough. Tony swung his shoe into her rib with a powerful crack knocking the breath from Rachel completely.
He stared down at her for a moment before taking hold of Rachel's wrist. She yanked her hand away not wanting to give him an opportunity to cause any more damage. But what she didn't notice was the snapping of the bracelet as it broke from her wrist.
"It'll be down below," Tony said, pocketing the trinket before turning and exiting.
Rachel struggled to force herself into a sitting position, her back supported by the wall. Her breathing came in short, uneven gasps as she tried to slow her heart but also work through the blinding pain which consumed her body. Her lip cut and bleeding, jaw throbbing violently and ribs grinding, Rachel sat there staring blankly at the opposite wall.
Eventually after a few long minutes she climbed to her feet, stopping suddenly when the her head swam and the room blurred.
"Dammit," Rachel whispered as she reached for her cell-phone, punching in the only persons number that she thought would not be so tied up in their own world that they couldn't help her.
When the line clicked over a familiar voice spoke. "Hey Rach, how are you?"
Rachel forced her voice not to crack. "Hey Luke, um…I've been better."
"Is everything okay?" Luke asked with a concerned voice.
Rachel cringed as a pain shot through her centre. "Not really. Could you come and get me?"
"Sure thing, I'm on my way."
The moment that the phone disconnected Rachel slid back down the wall and fell to the floor with a small cry.
"We have to tell Sandy and Kirsten about this," Luke insisted sitting beside Rachel on the sofa in his lounge.
Rachel's eyes went wide. "No," she insisted hissing slightly as he placed an icepack lightly on her jaw. "They've got enough on their minds right now." She smiled slightly at his younger siblings who ran playfully through the room jumping about on the furniture.
Luke looked at them for a moment before taking a hold of Rachel's hand and guiding her upstairs. She knew his house well enough to know where they were going but she couldn't shake the feeling that the world was tilting slightly. Closing her eyes for a time Rachel felt herself sitting on Luke's bed before opening them again.
"Rach," Luke began. "This is getting crazy. First Ryan and now this." He looked at her with sad eyes. "How far does your father have to go before you realise what's happening?"
Rachel looked strongly at him. "He's not my father."
"Then stop protecting him." Luke brushed his fingers lightly through Rachel's hair as he sat beside her. "Rach, I would never go against you but you have to get where I'm coming from." He looked her up and down. "You can barely move. You don't know what that guy did to you."
Luke's concern touched Rachel but that didn't mean she was willing to give in. "I don't care," she replied.
Though deep down inside Rachel cared beyond anything she had before. What was happening around her was effecting her state of mind in more ways that she was letting on.
"Can you just take me home?" She asked.
Luke looked strongly at her for a moment before nodding his head.
Rachel let out a small sigh out of relief of finally being home before reaching to the top cupboard to search for a glass. But the moment her fingers wrapped around the cool object and bolt of pain rocketed through her centre and caused her to double over, bracing her hands on the counter-top.
Cringing from the sheer agony that possessed her, Rachel made her way slowly to the stairs, one arm across her stomach in an attempt to dull the pain. The moment she reached them however, the injury became too much for her to handle and she collapsed in a sitting position on the third step.
Placing her forehead against her knees and both hands on her abdomen Rachel tried to breathe her way through the pain.
"Rach…?"
The voice nearly made Rachel jump in surprise, but it also made her damn the fact that she could not get up and run. She wanted to escape. To hide forever until everything just melted away into nothing.
Seth came down the stairs and it was only when he neared Rachel that he saw she seemed to be in pain. "Are you okay?" He asked stupidly before frowning at the lack of answer he received. "Come on, we'll get you upstairs."
Rachel went to protest and in the process turned her face to her ex-lover. The shocked expression, which she was answered with, was enough to let her know that her slightly bruised jaw and cut lip were not going to be hidden easily.
"What happened?" Seth murmured in confusion.
Rachel immediately looked away but not before another wave of pain washed over her. Without another word she instantly felt herself being helped to her feet and guided up to the top of the stairs, her weight supported entirely by Seth.
Seth only let his hold on her waist go once they neared the bed, which they once shared, and Rachel sat down. This time however, she did not try and mask the pain she was in and let out a small cry as she leaned back against the headboard. Seth sat beside her as she shut her eyes and let out a shuddered breath.
"Rach," Seth began watching her hand cradle her side. "You're not…you know?"
Rachel gave him an unamused look. "Last I checked, being pregnant doesn't make you look beat up," she cringed.
Seth shrugged sheepishly. "Sorry, it's just you're holding your side and I thought maybe…I dunno…I just didn't want to…"
"Why are you even here Seth?" Rachel asked cutting him off and casting her eyes away. She couldn't bring herself to look at him.
Seth's mind ticked back to the words his father had spoke. "Your mother and I have sorted through our problems and she wants us to move back in." Short and sweet, something Seth usually wouldn't have liked.
"I have my reasons," Seth replied gazing at her hurt face closely. "Can I…?" He moved his hand closer to hers and Rachel simply stared at him, not saying yes, but not denying him the right either.
Seth slowly brought his hand to the hem of her top and began pushing it up revealing a familiar tattoo on her hip as he did. Looking up to see Rachel clearly fighting against the urge to cry out in pain Seth continued to move the clothing before he finally revealed the bruised area on the left side of her ribcage.
Rachel let out a gasp of agony as Seth lightly touched the surrounding area with his fingertips. It occurred to her that maybe it was not that pain that caused to her react, but rather the simply touch of Seth's fingers on her flesh in such a caring and gentle manor.
"It might be fractured," Seth said seriously. "Does anyone else know about this?"
Rachel was a little reluctant to say at first. "Luke."
"We should get you to a hospital, they might be able to…"
"I'm not going back there," Rachel murmured causing Seth to stop short and look at her for a time. "I can't go back."
Seth looked at Rachel sadly knowing the pain within her eyes was not caused by her injury but rather the painful past in which she had had to endure. He placed a warming hand upon her own and she looked up to see him staring straight back into her eyes.
His fingertips brushed a lock of hair away from her face as he slowly moved closer. Seth didn't want to make any sudden moves, he simply wanted to be there for Rachel as she had been for him. He hoped that maybe in doing this, he might be able to start healing the scars between them.
But by this time he was so close that Rachel could feel his breath upon her face and her eyes flicked down to his lips momentarily. "Seth…" she whispered but was cut short when he pressed a finger lightly to her lips.
"Shh," he murmured before trailing an invisible line down her body to her stomach.
Rachel couldn't take her eyes off him, she felt of head begin to feel light and her stomach do a slight flip from his touch. But soon she found her eyes fluttering closed at the feeling of Seth's lips brushing against her own. She could feel his hand come to rest on the side of her face as he kissed her softly.
Seth wanted so badly to hold Rachel to him when he felt her respond. He wanted her more than ever but was so terrified of scaring her away again. He had no right to be taking control.
At that thought he pulled away slightly but Rachel stopped his movement. "Don't," she spoke softly not wanting him to leave her.
Seth looked deeply into Rachel's eyes before meeting her lips again. But suddenly Rachel pulled back with a hiss and he realised that he had touched the deep cut along her lower lip.
Seth gently ran his thumb over the injury as he spoke. "I'm sorry," he said knowing well enough that Rachel was aware that he was not only talking about hurting her physically.
Rachel looked at him for a time. "I know."
Seth looked at her sadly allowing his fingers to leave her lips and trace the effected area of her jaw. Rachel closed her eyes in an attempt to will away the pain but only succeeded in causing a small tear to well in the corner of her eye.
Everything hurt. Her ribs, her jaw, but most of all her heart. She was so confused and hurt by Tony's actions, no doubt under the instructions of Steve. Now Seth was with her again, sorry for what he has put her through. Nothing was making any sense.
Rachel looked over to Seth who was trailing his finger over the ring which he had given her what seemed like so long ago.
"Steve did this, didn't he?" Seth spoke as more of a statement than an actual question.
Rachel was silent for a time. "One of his guys."
Seth looked up at her. "And you're just gonna let him get away with it?" He questioned. "That's not the Rachel I know."
Rachel stared strongly at him. "Then you obviously don't know me like you think you do."
"When Ryan was hurt," Seth began. "You went insane. If people hadn't have been around at the party, you would have killed Steve, literally."
"That was because it was Ryan, Seth," Rachel stated angrily pulling her hand from him and brushing off his attempt to take it back. "Defending him was the whole reason why this happened. God, I don't need this, not from you."
Rachel looked away from Seth trying to calm the anger and hurt which had built up inside of her. She was still hurting from what Seth had done, from how he had treated her. It was as though her feelings had meant nothing. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't get him to see that all she wanted was for him to be happy. She didn't want him to have to start going through pain because she knew how hard it was to survive it.
"Rach…" Seth began an unfamiliar seriousness within his voice.
Rachel closed her eyes not wanting him to see the pain in her eyes. But Seth wasn't in the mood for games. He placed his hands on either side of her face and gently turned her eyes back to his. In an instant she had looked down and away from him again.
Seth frowned and ducked his head down so that Rachel had no choice but to look at him. He noticed how her breath came in short gasps and gently rested his head against the side of hers.
"Why are you scared?" He asked calmly.
Rachel sniffed slightly knowing that there was no way she would be able to lie to Seth and get away with it. "This isn't real," she whispered so softly that almost no sound escaped her lips.
Seth ran his fingers gently through her hair. "Why isn't it real?"
Rachel's voice caught in her throat slightly. "Because you're not meant to be here. You're not…"
"Shh," he murmured causing Rachel to close her eyes against the soothing sound of his voice. "Stop thinking about that."
Seth pulled away from Rachel then and looked into her tired eyes. He hadn't realised just how late it had become in the time that they had been sitting together.
"I didn't think I was that boring," he stated jokingly. "You look like you're gonna fall asleep right where you are."
Rachel couldn't help but let out a small laugh and smile at Seth's attempts to cheer her up. At the end of the day there was no mistaking his hate for the people he cared for being down on themselves.
"It's a smile!" He yelled pointing to her face. "Oh my God, it's alive!"
Rachel looked up at Seth for a short moment and saw him gazing at her with a look of content on his face. He gave her a lopsided grin and kissed her softly.
"You look tired," he stated kissing her again.
Rachel nodded slightly and sniffed. "Yeah…"
Seth watched Rachel for a moment wanting just to be able to look at her the way he once had. Things had become so hard without either of them truly realising it. It was impossible to say that both of them felt everything would go back to normal eventually because it did not feel that way at all. Even as they sat together now, their bodies so close, an evident barrier was between them. One which never seemed to want to go away.
Jimmy could see his daughter out of the corner of his eyes smiling widely at Summer who had just arrived. He had almost forgotten what it was like to see Marissa so happy. Times had been difficult of late and though as far as he was aware she was not still drowning her sorrows with alcohol, there were moments when the consequences of the last few years weighed down heavily upon her.
He was glad to see Ryan supporting her, giving Marissa the comfort she needed and also the simple reassurance that everything would soon work itself out. But what Jimmy had become aware of was the almost stone-like personality that Ryan had adapted too. Jimmy knew that all he wanted to do was help, but he couldn't shake the feeling that maybe Ryan was only doing this to distract himself from the fact that he might also need some guidance.
"I just called Kirsten," Hailey said as she walked into the kitchen where Jimmy stood. "Still couldn't get any real answers from her but apparently Seth and Sandy have moved back in."
Jimmy turned his attention to the woman beside him and let his thoughts slowly float away into the oblivion. "Yeah?" He asked. "That sounds promising."
Hailey shrugged. "I still feel pretty shocking for just leaving Rach like that. I could have at least spoken to her. I mean, come on, I left a note once she left. How childish is that?"
Jimmy smiled in a knowing manner. "We've all been there."
"I might go by there tomorrow, just to see how things are doing."
Jimmy stopped short at her comment and stared at Hailey for what seemed like an eternity. "You're not gonna hang around?" His voice was a mixture of surprise and disappointment.
"I don't think so," Hailey replied placing a kind hand on Jimmy's. "I might be able to do something for them, you know? I dunno what, but I can't just leave and never go back after what Kirsten and Sandy have done for me."
Jimmy narrowed his eyes slightly at Hailey before a grin came over his face. "Look at the responsible one," he said. "You're well on your way to becoming an adult."
Hailey smirked. "I might beat you to it," she exclaimed.
Seth could tell that she was trying to stay quiet even as Rachel's body tensed in pain. A shaky breath escaped her lips and a slight cringe ran through her.
His worst fear was that she had some form of internal bleeding. That meant that the seconds which they were wasting now could be the difference between life and death.
"Rach," he whispered.
Rachel let out a muffled groan and squeezed her eyes shut. "Yeah?"
Seth moved over enough so that Rachel could lie on her back and gaze up at him, relieving some of the pain. But Seth didn't know what to say. How was he supposed to talk when the only way to mention his fear was going to lead to an argument about the consequences of her injury.
So instead Seth leaned over her and pressed his lips to Rachel's. She was quick to snake her finger through his hair and pull him closer, forgetting about the ache in her side until she moved part of his weight atop her. A cry escaped her throat and Seth reeled back in shock and fear.
Slowly he pushed her top up again, this time revealing a deep purple bruise upon her usually spotless flesh. He couldn't hide his concern any longer.
"We have to get you to a hospital," he insisted moving to sit her up.
"No," Rachel said recoiling away from his touch and letting out a gasp of pain as she did.
"Rach, you can barely move," Seth stated. "What if something's wrong?"
The concern in Seth's eyes touched Rachel's heart deeply but that peace was soon broken when a blinding force shot through her centre and she fell back against the pillows, tensing.
"That's it," Seth said placing an arm under her knees, one against her back and scooping Rachel off the bed.
Having never actually carried her before it was not until now that Seth was able to get a glimpse of just how light she was. It occurred to him that since he had first met her she had been of small build but somehow now her naturally slim body seemed so frail in his arms.
"Seth, no…" Rachel tried but her new position had her in even more pain than before and it took all her energy not to cry out.
Seth carried her swiftly through the house, all the while calling out to his parents in an urgent tone. The moment that Sandy and Kirsten appeared, their faces filled with worry and concern, Seth began to walk toward the door.
"We have to get her to a hospital, she's hurt," he insisted.
Sandy grabbed the keys to the Range Rover and it was only when they were out the door he started to ask questions. "What's wrong? What happened?"
Seth took the front seat leaving Sandy to drive and Kirsten to look after his girlfriend in the back.
"It was one of Steve's guys this morning," Rachel managed. "I didn't want you to worry about it.
It was only then that Kirsten noticed the slight mark along her jaw and immediately revealed the injury, which Rachel was clutching at her side. "Oh my God," she breathed in shock.
"What?" Sandy asked turning momentarily from the wheel. "Sweet Jesus he whispered.
"I didn't want to pull you guys into this," Rachel admitted squeezing Seth's hand as he twisted it toward her from the front seat. "I've put you through enough already."
Kirsten was shaking her head, looking almost crushed by Rachel's words. "Next time come straight to us, no matter how big the problem is," she stated. "You're part of this family Rachel and we look after our own."
Rachel cringed as Sandy flew over a speed bump and wished that Kirsten had not mentioned the word 'family'. The meaning of the word had never really been shown to Rachel through her relatives.
No one but Ryan, she thought.
Breathing steadily and trying to push all thoughts of her absent brother from her mind Rachel's attention was soon focused on Seth's thumb caressing her wrist lightly. It amazed her that even though she felt like she was dying, somehow she knew the people sitting around her would always keep her safe.
Rachel sat cross-legged on the hospital bed, leaning her elbows on her knees and staring blankly at the sheets below her. Despite the protests of everyone she refused to lie down and relax, the tension in her body being too overwhelming. The pain-killers which she had taken had begun to work instantaneously and she felt as though she could run a marathon if she truly wanted too.
But there was still something there, beneath the drugs which masked the pain. There was an ever present tightness in her side which refused to let her forget why it was that she was seated on a hospital bed to begin with.
Kirsten sat on a nearby chair and watched Seth with a sad smile as he perched himself on the bed beside Rachel and let his fingers run soothingly up and down her back as Sandy stood by the door waiting for a nurse.
Although Rachel had voiced her disapproval early on, the hospital had insisted on performing tests to determine the extent of the damage. It had taken what seemed like an eternity for the doctors to finally leave. She was thankful that they had taken their instruments too, finally allowing her the knowledge that the onslaught of examinations was over.
Rachel could still feel the coldness of the metal against her flesh, the sting of needles beneath her skin and the beep of the x-rays as she lay upon the freezing table. The only thing she was grateful for was that they had used her right arm to draw blood. After all the cuts she had endured, Rachel wasn't sure if there would be any still present in her left.
Kirsten placed her hand atop Rachel's seeing in the young girls eyes that she was simply trying to will everything away. She knew how hard it must have been for Rachel to be where she was. Her last trips to hospital had consisted of the loss of her child and a heartbreaking injury to Seth. No doubt there had been countless other painful memories prior to that, but Kirsten didn't dare ask. She simply sat there watching as her son placed a light kiss on Rachel's head.
It was only in that moment that Kirsten realised just how special it was to have Rachel in her family. She had never truly been given the opportunity to be a part of the young Atwood's life in the detail which she wished she were. Though it hurt to think that she would never actually be the young girl's mother, Kirsten wouldn't dream of protesting the relationship she had developed with Seth in order to be able to adopt her. It was too powerful.
Suddenly a hurried doctor came bustling into the room catching all but Rachel's attention. "Are you the parents?" She asked Sandy and Kirsten.
Sandy looked hesitantly at Rachel who had flinched ever so slightly at the mention of her relations. "Guardians," he answered.
"I'm doctor Tatania," she replied. "I would like to have a word with you outside if I may."
Kirsten rose from her spot letting her hand fall away from the bed and joined the doctor and her husband in the doorway. They only stopped when Rachel spoke for the first time since they had arrived.
"There's nothing to hide," she said.
Tatania smiled warmly at Rachel. "It's procedure to talk with the parents of the patient before the patient themselves."
Rachel flicked her gaze up to meet the doctors, holding her eyes for a moment. "They said it themselves, they're not my parents." Rachel words were strong but carried with them an obvious detail of not being rude. "They might be the closest thing to it in this room, but right now I'm the only one who shares my genes. I don't need to be protected and I don't need a sugar-coated version you've made up to make me feel better." Rachel felt Seth's hand come to rest on the small of her back tracing tiny circles there as she spoke. "What's wrong with me?"
Tatania let out a small sigh and looked down at the clipboard which she carried. "I am sorry Miss. Atwood, as much as I want to do as you wish, I have to follow procedure."
Rachel continued to hold her gaze for a moment feeling within herself a look of almost sadness wash over her face. She looked away from Tatania and after a moment heard both her, Sandy and Kirsten exit.
An instant silence swept over the room as Seth continued to caress Rachel's back. She closed her eyes against the feeling, willing her body to give in to his touch and calm, but nothing seemed to work.
"I know you didn't want this," Seth began quietly. "But you see, I'm kinda someone who doesn't listen all the time and it was kinda in my nature to go against what I was told." He let his free hand slide down Rachel sleave feeling her shiver slightly from his touch. "And I know that it's not a good excuse and you'll probably be thinking 'man that's lame' but I just wanted –"
"Thank you," Rachel cut in so quietly that Seth almost didn't hear her.
But he was quick to stop mid-rant and look at her strongly. "I'm sorry, what?"
She turned her face to look at him, only then realising just how close they were. "I said thank you," Rachel repeated looking down to Seth's chest, being almost afraid to meet his eyes.
"You're not mad?"
Rachel was silent for a time and when she finally spoke her voice was almost choked with emotion. "I've never been one to admit when I'm hurt, especially if no one knows and especially when it means that I can avoid winding up in a place like this." Rachel felt Seth shift slightly beside her. "I'm not saying I wasn't worried but…part of me thought that if I just left it and didn't…find out answers, then maybe it would just go away." She looked up to the ceiling then letting out a short breath. "God this probably sounds stupid."
Seth shook his head placing a hand on her forearm. "It doesn't."
Rachel looked into his eyes then forcing herself to mask the pain which she felt simply from him being near her. "You wanna know what I'm scared of?" When no reply came she continued. "This. Being here and having to face up to the fact that I get hurt and that people I love get hurt. Hospitals just…they make me see them."
Seth frowned at her words. "Who?"
"The people I used to care about. The ones who were you and Luke and Summer and God-help-me even Marissa before there was you guys." Rachel took in a long breath. "They got hurt and sometimes they died and sometimes they left town for good. And every time it was because they came to a place like this." She was shaking her head now trying to force back her tears. "I don't wanna leave and I don't…I can't watch the people I care about go through what I had to because I know how painful it is." Rachel looked directly into Seth's eyes now. "It scares me to think you have too."
Seth sat quietly, not interrupting until the moment when he ceased Rachel's voice by pressing his lips to hers. "Stop worrying," he whispered brushing a lock of hair from her eyes. "I'm not."
Rachel let out a long sigh and leaned into his embrace, allowing her defences to lift and Seth to comfort her. But soon the serious moment was broken when Seth began to whisper in her ear the latest adventures of Captain Oats. For a time the dreaded thoughts were banished from Rachel's mind and she subjected herself to laughing and smiling at Seth's humour.
Part of the reason why Seth was speaking was not only to clear Rachel's mind however, it was also to clear his own. He had been so scared and helpless as she lay beside him fighting off the pain a feeling which he had only experienced once before. The first night he had witnessed what could only be described as the torture she put herself through when she felt there was no other way to handle things than to bleed out all the pain.
"Can we talk to Rachel alone please?"
The voice came from the doorway and both Seth and Rachel looked up to see Sandy staring at them, Kirsten not too far behind him. Seth went to move off the bed but Rachel was quick to stop him, taking a hold of this jacket.
"No," she voiced.
"Rachel, please just let us speak to you first," Kirsten tried.
Seth turned to Rachel calmly. "I'll be right outside," he said in a tone that resembled a seriousness, which was rare within him.
"I don't want you to go," Rachel whispered in an almost pleading voice, only then realising just how tightly she was clinging to his sleave. "Whatever they say will get to you anyway."
Seth looked up at his parents who gazed at each other for a moment before Sandy let out a sigh. Seth took that as permission and again positioned himself beside Rachel, his heart pounding so hard against his chest that he was sure she could hear it.
"Maybe we should call Ryan," Kirsten suggested breaking the tension which filled the air. "He of all people should be here right now."
"He's not answering," Rachel replied realising that with three simple words she had revealed her hidden attempt to contact her brother.
Sandy nodded and let out a long sigh. "Okay then." He took a step further into the room and looked directly at Rachel who looked directly back. "They've discovered some hairline fractures along your third rib." Sandy pointed to where they believed they were noting how Rachel stiffened slightly from the thought that he would touch her injury. "They're nothing too serious, are quite common and should heal by themselves."
"Fractures aren't this painful Sandy," Rachel whispered knowing within herself that he was not telling her everything.
Seth glanced over to Rachel who was still staring at his father. Her words struck a cord within him. Seth knew that Rachel had broken at least two bones – her right wrist and her left arm – but only after constant prodding for answers which she almost always refused to give. It didn't surprise him that she had failed to tell him everything as he knew that her injuries would have not come from simple accidents whilst playing in the backyard.
However, despite this, Seth still felt a small twinge of hurt that she had not opened up to him about other incidents. Though it seemed petty and almost selfish to want to know everything about her life, Seth couldn't help but feel that he would never know her true story.
Sandy reluctantly continued after a long pause. "There is evidence of some internal bleeding," he spoke calmly and in an instant Rachel felt Seth shift beside her. "Again, nothing too serious, however, it is important for you too look out for signs that it may have worsened."
"It's stopped now right? I mean, we don't have to worry about it?" Seth asked in a rush of words though he was trying desperately to remain calm.
"As far as they can tell," Sandy answered.
Seth looked from his father to his mother and then back again. "That's not good enough," he stated. "They should know."
Kirsten took a step forward then. "Seth, please. The doctors are doing the best that they can. If there was anything serious we needed to worry about they would have told us."
Seth went to speak again but he felt Rachel's hand brush against his and as he looked down at her he noticed her eyes were downcast. "Sorry," he whispered. "I'm done."
A long silence swept over the room them as Rachel took in a deep breath. "I'm not staying here tonight," she murmured.
"Rachel," Sandy began. "We have been advised that you should…"
"I'm not staying Sandy," Rachel said strongly locking her eyes with his before blinking slightly at her outburst. "I can't…"
Kirsten looked over at her husband who seemed to be having an internal debate about what he should do. She knew that he loved Rachel and that he wanted to go by her wishes. But he also had the ever-present feeling that he should take on the role of Rachel's father and tell her to remain in hospital for the night.
"Dad…" Seth tried knowing that Rachel wouldn't be able to bare spending any more time where they were.
But Rachel shook her head, knowing that she would never win the battle. "No, don't…I don't care." Her tone made it obvious that she was lying.
Sandy scratched his head. "I'll talk to the doctors," he said before leaving the room.
Seth took a hold of Rachel's hand and placed his head lightly against hers as Kirsten watched.
Sandy's always been a softie, Kirsten thought before a smile crept along her face from the sight of the pair before her.
The night dragged on and Ryan continued to walk along the sand watching as the ocean lulled against the shore. Something about this spot had always drawn him in. Maybe it was because of the scenery, maybe because of the location. Or maybe it was because he knew that this was the one spot you could always find Rachel when she wanted to break away from everything.
Pausing for a moment Ryan took his cell-phone out of his pocket and stared down at the screen. 1 missed call flashed up at him though he knew he had no use for the information. He had heard his phone ringing, had checked the caller id…yet had left it. There something about his sisters name that refused to let him answer the call.
Ryan cancelled the message and the screen again returned to normal but not before he felt an undying regret for what he had done. He didn't know how he could have been so irresponsible. Ryan had always claimed to be the one who would take on the role of Rachel's guardian, despite knowing that Sandy and Kirsten had the more official parental status.
Some guardian, he thought to himself before gazing out to the ocean. I won't even answer her calls.
Ryan wanted to punch something, to let out his anger and confusion by any means necessary. He had never felt like this before. Like such a failure. Not even when he was a child growing up with a mother who never had any compliments for him, whom would never be happy with what he did. Not even then.
There was something about the thought of leaving Rachel out in the big, bad world again that frightened him. Though he knew that one day they would have to part ways, Ryan couldn't get rid of the feeling that when he wasn't there, he couldn't protect her.
The last times that they had been apart something always went terribly wrong. First Marsal almost two years ago, and most recently Kurt. Both of these men had taken it on as their responsibility to exploit and destroy Rachel's life. And although she had managed to fend well for herself Ryan had never been able to wash off the guilt that came with thinking that he could have done something to help. It was because of him that she had not been by his side to watch over.
Even watching her with Seth, someone who would always love her no matter what happened between them, Ryan was on alert. If anything her knew that he should be able to trust his friend, someone who had never shown any sign of ever turning into one of the people from Rachel's past. But still there were times when Ryan wanted to pull the two apart. Sometimes Ryan wished that he could lock Rachel away in a room just to ensure that no one would be able to harm her.
But now as he stood watching the waves he thought that maybe it was he who had to be taken away from Rachel. Maybe it was Ryan Atwood who was the very reason why everything had gone so horribly wrong in her life.
Pure exhaustion finally winning the long fought battle, Rachel collapsed onto the bed seeing the room spin slightly as she did. Her mind wouldn't shut off, however, and even as she felt Seth beside her, looking upon her face everything seemed amplified.
Seth's soothing fingers were running through Rachel's hair, along the side of her face wanting to help her as she had done him. If anything they only made things worse and as she looked up at him through heavy eyelids it was as though he wasn't even there.
The main cause of her immense weariness was the lack of her brother. She didn't know where he was, no one did. After numerous calls made by Sandy to his cell as well as Marissa's house phone Rachel eventually walked out of the kitchen and up to her bedroom. At that moment she didn't want to admit that she was missing Ryan, though she couldn't lie to herself for much longer…
Rachel's mind flashed back to their final conversation in Chino before the incident which lead to Ryan moving to Orange County and the chain reaction ending at that very moment of her lying in bed with Seth.
It had been a frighteningly similar fight to the one, which they had in the pool house. The shock, the arguments, the insults, but most of all the hurt of having to think of life without Ryan by her side.
Rachel knew that watching him leave had terrified her, though she never openly admitted to it. Everything went wrong when Ryan wasn't around. Everything that formed the pain and vulnerability behind her eyes. It was because of Ryan's absence that it had been created. And Rachel blamed her self for the fact that he hadn't been there.
She looked over at Seth who seemed completely mesmerised by her, his eyes boring straight through to her soul. How could she not be to blame? Both times it was within her power to prevent Ryan from walking out that door and yet both times she hadn't. Why? Surely she had known the pain that would become a custom in her life without him protecting her.
But even this time, when given the chance Rachel had not taken it, trying to mask how truly terrified she was from losing him again. Life without Ryan was just this. Pain. Suffering. Hurt.
Seth noticed the sudden change in her eyes from exhaustion to helplessness and moved closer staring strongly at her. He saw the final glint of happiness vanish from her eyes and instantly pressed his lips to her replacing all the thoughts in her mind.
Rachel melted into Seth's embrace, willingly giving into the distraction despite wanting to tear herself away from him and run as far as her legs would carry her. Knowing this option was out of the question Rachel deepened the kiss substantially wanting Seth to make her feel anything other than what she was at that moment.
Noticing her move Seth pulled away and looked down at Rachel who had a questioning look on her face at his actions. He didn't want to hurt her and Seth knew that her injury needed time to heal before she could subject herself to the life she once had.
"Not tonight," he spoke quietly kissing her forehead causing Rachel to sigh at his cautiousness. "You should get some sleep, you look tired."
Rachel looked away from him feeling the small tears begin to burn behind her eyes. Everything at that moment came crashing down upon her. The long and enduring dispute between Sandy and Kirsten, the two people she wished so badly to be able to call her parents. The return of her father, a man who always promised so much but in reality could offer nothing of the sort. The death of Kurt, a reminder of what was, and the departure of Luke for a time, the reminder of what could have been. Marissa had been the hardest blow of all, to have to watch Ryan slowly break under then pressure of trying to save her.
All the people whom Rachel loved had been in pain for so long and all the while her emotions could never find a release because she was so convinced her problems meant nothing in comparison to others. And even now, as everything began to solve itself, Rachel was still feeling it. All of it.
Closing her eyes a single, much needed tear slipped down her cheek and within minutes more began to follow. Her defences were finally broken, she no longer had to be strong. She no longer had to be alone.
Feeling Seth's arms holding her tight Rachel began to cry openly. Part of her didn't know why. Everything was over, she didn't need to be scared any more. Yet she still pressed into Seth's embrace, wanting to feel the same comfort which she had wished for all along. Wanting to simply know that everything would be alright because there were people in her life who cared.
Now as they lay there, Rachel's every emotion being released, Seth hoped to God that this wouldn't always be her life. That maybe just once she could be in a world where she didn't have to fight off the feelings of being alone, of not being protected. He didn't want to think that he could fail her in such a way. That he couldn't be there for her like she was for him.
He looked down at her after a moment and watched her shaky fingers playing with the hem of his jacket as though trying to transfer some of the negative energy.
"You want to wear it?" Seth asked sitting up and removing the clothing.
Rachel glanced at the clothing which he was offering in his outstretched hand. "You'll get cold," she whispered.
Seth gazed at her for a time before smiling and moving his jacket closer. Rachel reluctantly took the piece from him and slipped it on, instantly feeling a comforting warmth surrounding her. She lay back down and felt Seth kiss the top of her head, something which had almost become a custom now.
But instead of falling asleep, they both simply lay there, minds awhirl with unspoken thoughts and emotions. It crossed Seth's mind on more than one occasion to ask the question which had been burning at his thoughts for some time now.
Why did you take me back? He thought to himself. I was a jerk and a half but…
He took in a long breath shifting slightly in his position so he could curl Rachel's body closer to his own. Looking down Seth smiled at what he saw. The girl he loved soundly asleep in his arms.
TO BE CONTINUED………
(Hey guys soooooo sorry for the long delay but I have been worked off my feet lately, its insane! Hope you like where I'm heading with the story. It's not too long until the end now but there are still a few twists in store. Please review)
I hope those of you who could checked out the Live8 concerts which were showing around the world this week. It's so important to get as many voices added to support these purposes as possible because it is so important thing that we make a stand! While you're on the net please check outthe site for the ONE campaign, and also the Live8Liveadd your name or send an email cos you might think there's nothing you can do but if we all come together we can make a difference!
Leentje: Thanks again. Yeah I loved writing the Rachel/Seth and Marissa/Ryan scenes cos I was just trying to show exactly where the characters were at that point and how they were responding and feeling about everything that was going on.
Sleepinbeauty: I'm back! Lol. I'm so so so sorry for the long wait with the chapter I felt so horrible. No more cutting class. Good. Lol. looking at it during class is ok. I don't doubt the pic of Eliza one bit. Lol. everyone has their own versions of Rachel. Thanks for liking the chapter. And yay for you understanding why I split everyone up! It is all character and plot development otherwise there is only so much you can do with them. Now you have your wish and Seth and Rachel are back together. Yay for the happy couple. Lol.
Kitotterkat: Thanks for liking the chapter. I totally agree. Rachel is really taking on the mature look at everything whereas Seth has major tunnel vision. He's only seeing things from his point of view (egocentrism haha psychology is awesome even though 2 yr old have that). You have to feel sorry for the guy though, he really doesn't know how to deal and what to do so he's kinda just lashing out at everything and trying to solve things in the typical Seth Cohen way.
IY-ROX: I will, I swear, I promise. That long gap between updates was a once off. I'm so sorry for the wait
Meezardra: Nice guess, yeh I'm 15. Lol. no one ever believes me when I say that. Haha. Seth kicking Luke's ass, that's interesting. Why do you think he should? Do you think Luke is moving in on Rachel a little bit too much? Yeah I have to admit there might be a couple more crying scenes, though because I've said that now they'll probably not make you cry lol. As for Caleb, he's always gonna be a jerk, especially with Rachel. It's just him. The show has made him all nice now but I really don't see him giving in any time soon. Yeah I try to be original, it keeps me interested lol. Thanks for your review and keep writing your story
katwoman76 Ah, finally someone has actually noticed how amazingly impossible it is for Steve and Ryan to know each others faces. Don't worry it does actually explain itself eventually. It wasn't just a stupid mistake that I missed out on, there is a purpose.
Cohen101 Wow, you read all three stories. I must be doing something right. Lol. You love so much. Lol. and yeh it is sad about what had happened in this story but like I've said many times before you need to put the characters through stuff to help them grow and change and pretty much just to keep the story interesting. I've conveniently not put Caitlin in these stories just because no one really knows a lot about her character and it would be hard to right her in and find her a place. But don't worry Julie does pop up again in a little while, I haven't forgotten about her considering I think she's one of the best characters to right just because she's so outrageous. Haha, there you go I even wrote in a part that actually happened to you. Gotta say that's pretty damn creepy. Lol. Thank you for loving the story and I will definitely try to update quicker from now on.