Men are so quick to blame the gods: they say that we devise their misery. But in their depravity it is they who design grief greater than those that fate assigns.
"Sakura?" Karin's voice had not lost its panicked edge in the twelve hours that had passed since Team 7 fled back to Leaf.
But Sakura herself was busy folding her clothes, both her old ones and the new ones she'd accumulated while living here, into her old traveling bag. With each item placed there, she chanted within her reasons for doing this.
Her old, red dress. They didn't think I could do this on my own.
A pair of plain, black shorts. They probably already think I'm a traitor now, anyway.
A boring, beige-colored tunic. I was being used to bring Sasuke here.
One of her many sports bras. I'm still so fucking useless.
"Sakura," Karin tried again, tugging on a long sleeve of the loose, white shirt Sakura wore. "Where—where are you going?"
Her packing job done (well, adequately so, at least), she turned to face Karin. Their room was dark and the compound eerily quiet, and Sakura took her gently by the shoulders.
"Dunno. I'm just leaving."
The other girl pursed her lips and looked down. "Is—is it because Orochimaru scolded you and Kabuto earlier? He's just upset he didn't get that guy—"
True that their master had discussed at length with them their lack of cooperation and letting Sasuke and Naruto both slip through their fingers, but to call it a scolding was overstating it. In fact, he did not seem too pressed at all about the situation, but Sakura had seen it all from her newly-polished lens. He was only so calm because he knew Team 7 would be back for her, ensuring him yet another chance at victory.
"I was too embarrassed about it," Sakura said quickly, "but, back in Konoha...no one really believed in me much. I wasn't good at being a ninja and...even though they cared about me, I fell behind and no one ever really thought to come and get me."
Karin watched, putting her hands on Sakura's waist.
"I came here because Konoha is screwed up, but I was also looking to get stronger and prove myself."
Karin tugged, pulling Sakura in. "You can get stronger here. So why are you leaving?"
"Orochimaru doesn't want me."
"So?"
"It hurts, Red."
"But"—she held her closer—"I want you."
To hear something like that threatened to undo her, and she tightened her hands around Karin's shoulders. "I know you do. That's different."
"Then...can't I come with you?"
Sakura closed her eyes, thinking back to when she'd said these very things to Sasuke all that time ago. She refused to repeat his insensitive words to her best friend, even if the sentiment of You'd just get in my way rang truer than she'd ever thought possible.
"It's way too dangerous," she said, snaking her hands down Karin's sides and trailing them up her arms. At her waist she held the other girl's hands, long and slender and burning hot in her anxiety. "You'll be safer here. Wasn't Orochimaru talking about putting you in charge of the west wing?"
"East," came her correction, evidence enough that she was looking forward to it. "But he wants me to help researching some Mist freak. You know I'm no good at that."
"Are you kidding?" Karin's combat abilities may have been lacking, but her mind was brilliant and she excelled in research and pattern-finding in all areas in which Sakura fell short. "You know he wouldn't have assigned you if he didn't think you could do it."
"But after what happened today...I know they're just keeping me around as a lab rat. Please let me go with you!"
Sakura could not pretend she didn't imagine it, briefly. It did not seem so bad, really, to have someone there who understood her better than anyone. They could talk and laugh, cry and spar, learn all there was to know about each other's hearts, minds, and bodies. And with Karin's extrasensory abilities, they wouldn't have to worry about being snuck up on by enemy nin. It would be nice to be on the road and able to get some decent sleep, for once.
Karin and Sakura, against the world.
But it was also true that it would be dangerous for Karin. Alone, Sakura would only need to worry about her own protection, her own food and water and clothes. She could move at her own pace, and was confident in her ability to outrun anyone—and if Team 7 found her again, she'd at least have a fair chance of keeping pace with Kakashi and Sasuke. And that was if they could find her; without realizing it, she had concealed her chakra signature to nothing all her way here as a genin. Now that she knew how to control it properly and had an arsenal of genjutsu, through both hand seals and scientific methods, she could not only be virtually undetectable but make it seem as though her signature was somewhere else entirely, or otherwise scattered or muted.
And she understood with perfect clarity that to find out what she was worth, truly worth, she had to go it alone. It was no wonder Sasuke had reacted how he did when she'd intercepted him that night.
"Karin," Sakura said, bringing her hand up to delicately touch her face. Of course, someone with her abilities must have known that Sakura kept chakra stored in her fingertips for the ease of genjutsu application, but the other girl merely snuggled her cheek into the palm of Sakura's hand with a small smile. "Thank you."
For caring about me, was what it meant. She knew that now.
Though it nearly broke Sakura's heart, she activated the same genjutsu under which she'd placed Naruto earlier that day. She took Karin's sleeping form and settled her into their shared bed, then walked out of the room and up the main stairs, disappearing into the night-shrouded forest.
"My, my," came the unmistakable sound of Orochimaru's silken voice. His footsteps were always so quiet, but she'd felt the burning presence of his chakra somewhere off behind her for a long moment now. "Going somewhere, are we?"
She clutched the straps of her pack, then swallowed. She wondered if it would've been smarter to have muted her chakra, but its sudden absence would surely have alerted him just as well as her waltzing out the front gates. She was hardly two miles from the compound, and just wanted to break into a sprint and go.
"I'm leaving."
He hummed, still not coming into view. "I've no intention to stop you, but I wonder if you'll indulge me in your reasons why."
It could be a ploy to soften her defenses before striking, and she kept her walls up. "I don't have anything more to learn from you, or you from me."
He chuckled. "Is that right?"
She said nothing.
"Do not be daft, my girl. Surely you know by now that I'm no fool. Just as you've kept your true intentions in coming here a secret, I've kept my own hidden as well. Perhaps it's time we finally introduce our truest selves."
She thought long and hard, but he'd already seen her chuck her forehead protector to Kakashi. There was no use left in keeping it all to herself, dumb as she'd been that afternoon.
"There's something wrong," she admitted slowly, "with Konoha."
Orochimaru was staring at her, she knew, but she could not turn to meet his gaze. "Tell me, child. In what way do you mean?"
"They train kids as killers," she started. "And march them off to their deaths, but they don't even care about them. Sasuke-kun and Naruto both...I saw how they were treated growing up. Sasuke's whole family was murdered and they just—put him in some apartment and let him be. Then when he tried to leave, they...he..." In her mind she saw flashes of the boys who'd been sent to bring him back, bloodied and limping. "And I bet Lady Fifth didn't give a second thought in sending my old team here today. If they'd died, then..."
She did not go on, and all around her the lively sounds of insects and amphibians sounded in her ears as if mocking her. She stared at a spot on the ground, bristling as Orochimaru rounded the space between them. His bare feet were covered by a long white robe streaked with purple and gold, and the swirling, traditional pattern drew her eyes up his lanky form. His exposed shoulders were knobby, his neck slender and his face sharp as ever. But under the streams of moonlight filtering through the tree cover, his snake eyes held not anger nor contempt nor deviousness.
To her, they seemed to glisten with something that looked to Sakura like compassion.
"In truth," he said with deliberate slowness, "it was after witnessing much bloodshed and death that I, too, became disillusioned with the world of shinobi." He folded his hands behind his back and lifted his head toward the sky, reminiscing. "Upon my parents' passing, I had no one. There's little in this world for an orphan, as you've observed, and it's a lonely life by design. When I learned of the white snake and its symbolism, I became obsessed in an instant. Could I bring back my parents? Could I unlock the secrets of immortality so none more would needlessly suffer through the advent of death?"
Sakura stared, bewildered. So this was the truth behind his dream to learn every jutsu?
"It was when I sat by my dear Tsunade's side as she was overcome with grief for the death of her fiancé that I truly understood the scope of what it was I had to do. If the way of the world would not change, then I would change instead. I would seek out ways to make us stronger against its uncaring injustices. In the pursuit of that knowledge, I forsook my humanity. A small price, in my eyes, to unearth monumental secrets that came with cheating death."
That lust for power, the power to protect, had led him here.
"It was not, however, my intention that my vision would become quite so...perverted, if you will." He smiled, crinkling his nose in a way that made Sakura think he was teasing. "But I suppose I was always driven by selfish desires, even as a child. One day, perhaps I'll tell you all that I know of the Village Hidden by Leaves. It's quite interesting, you know, the things Sarutobi-sensei agreed to, and the things to which he vehemently objected. Interesting, and hypocritical. Oh, but isn't that the nature of we humans? You've already mentioned my Tsunade—how do you feel, knowing that she sends young shinobi off to die despite her intimate relationship with loss?"
Just what did he mean by that comment about the Third Hokage? And about the Fifth, well, she could not deny that it didn't feel right at all.
"I thank you, Sakura-kun, for explaining it to me." When he again met her eyes, she saw that malevolence again, just a hint of it there. "Now then, as you were made aware this morning, it was my intent to use you to lure your Sasuke-kun to me. Or the Nine-Tails' host; either would have been a fine enough reward."
Blankly she stared at him, cautious of showing any emotion at such a thing as he carried on. She'd felt so stupid to think that someone like this had ever thought she was worth anything, or that he actually cared about her, but after such a raw and undeniably human speech from him, she did not know anymore what to think.
"But it's the truth, Sakura-kun, that you've grown into a fine protégé. That curse mark on your wrist is proof enough that you're a vessel worthy of my power. I never doubted your skills, and I've even come to care for you. We're kindred; I knew it from the start."
Yeah, right.
He snickered then, his smirk sparking something like annoyance inside of her. "A war is raging in you, child, between the timid mask you show to the world and your true nature. I've always felt it, that headstrong thing that chases what she wants with ruthless force." In a flash he had crossed the short space between them, stooping down to capture her chin in his frighteningly cold hand and stare her dead in the eyes. She could not stop the shiver that racked her frame at the way his very aura had changed from tender and loving to deadly in just an instant.
"In about a year's time," he continued, "this body will begin to fail me—do not think that I will not hunt you down, if I have to." Roughly he squeezed at her, the sharp edges of his nails piercing the soft flesh of her face. Then he released her and stepped back, straightening. "When that day comes, I wonder which side of you you'll have fed. I know I'm looking forward to finding out."
He's only letting us go because the stronger we get, the better it'll be for him.
Yeah, she thought in response, but aren't we being just as selfish?
In taking the route to protect Konoha, she'd betrayed it.
To keep Karin safe, she'd likely broken her heart.
In accepting the power of the first Hokage, she'd accepted the power of the man who killed the third.
Sparing one last glance at her master and the stars dotting the sky above him, she steadied herself. It was not as if, after all of this time and hard work, she would ever go back to that scared, crying girl she used to be—and she was done settling, done dealing with the realm of either-or, the realm of absolutes.
"Both," she answered as she turned to leave at last. "I'll feed both."