THE GOODBYE

A nervous step into the future
While the present shatters all around you
It's all moving too fast
And now the footprints of your failures
Seep into the safety of the harbour
Leave it all in the dark past

- Wash Me Clean
- Bernard Fanning

Ryan looked over at his sister who had her head tilted and her eyes closed. The wind breezed through her hair making it flip and curl around her face as he drove.

"What are you thinking about?" He finally asked.

Rachel opened her eyes slowly and gazed out of the window at the passing trees and houses. "How the hell did this happen?"

Ryan looked back at the road and answered quietly. "I don't know."

Rachel let out a long sigh and shifted slightly in her seat. "You know I remember you calling – what, two years ago?" she spoke. "You were gonna be there in a week – like it or not – and you were gonna take me to New Port with you." she smiled slightly. "You pulled up in the driveway and I saw you for the first time in God-knows how long and you smiled."

Ryan raised his eyebrows and smirked slightly. "You know that's not how it happened."

Rachel shrugged. "I can pretend it is," she said letting out a long sigh. "It means we don't have to sit for so long trying figure out what really did happen. No more waiting."

Ryan pulled the car to a halt on the side of the dirt road. "I guess."

There was a long, stretched out silence between the pair before Rachel spoke again. "You know I can't stay, right?"

Ryan looked down to his hands gripping the steering wheel. "Yeah," he answered softly. "I know."

"Gotta face the world eventually. Can't keep hiding behind the big brother."

Ryan gazed over to her then. "So go," he said.

Rachel shook her head and stared out through the windshield. "It's not that simple, you know that."

"You wanna stay? Ryan asked expectantly.

Rachel smiled slightly. "Nuh…" she looked over to him. "Surprised?"

Ryan only shrugged, not too sure he wanted to answer her question and yet at the same time knowing that she already knew what his response would be.

"Not really," he answered.

Summer noticed how Luke's total attention was on Rachel who was busy catching the end of a banner Ryan was trying to hang in the school hall. Marissa stood by, a fair distance from Rachel giving instruction and rolling her eyes at Ryan's slip up and near-crushing on his sister.

"I know you like her," Rummer said casually.

Luke spun around quickly having not expected anyone to have noticed him. "What?"

Summer raised an eyebrow. "You totally know what," she stated. "You like…like Rachel."

"She's my friend, of course I like her," Luke replied before receiving a hard slap from Summer.

"You know what I mean, idiot," she said. "You totally like her more than a friend."

Luke turned back to watch the scene again. Seth had now joined the trio and stood close to his girlfriend, the back of his hand brushing hers before their fingers entwined loosely. They both laughed at Ryan's attempt to straighten the banner.

"We've been through his," Luke answered. "Me and her, I mean."

Summer nodded. "You, and you pretended you were like being a jerk and were so over her and whatever. You lied."

Luke looked at her almost angered by her accusation. "I didn't lie," he insisted. "Why would you care anyway?"

Summer rolled her eyes dramatically. "Because, Rachel is like my friend and so is Cohen – well kinda – and they look totally happy right now – which is definitely a change – and I don't want you and your stupid ego to ruin that."

"Why would I want to hurt one of my closest friends?"

"I didn't say you," Summer insisted. "I said your stupid ego."

Luke was getting tired now, he had no idea where Summer was going with this. "Fine, why would my 'stupid ego' want to hurt Rachel?"

"Because it's your stupid ego," Summer answered with a 'duh' for good measure.

Luke turned away from her. "You don't know what you're talking about," he stated.

I've seen enough guys totally falling fro girls than you could ever like imagine," Summer replied. "You're totally in denial."

"I'm not in denial."

"Whatever."

Luke looked back at Rachel. He couldn't deny that he thought she was beautiful, more than anyone he had ever had the privilege of knowing. She was funny and serious and smart and goofy and strong. Stronger than any normal sixteen year old could be. And she understood him more than anyone else. Yet still for some reason she didn't belong to him…

"What should I tell her?" Luke suddenly asked.

"Oh no, don't you turn into like Captain-I'm-gonna-admit-to-like-everything. If you ruin things for her – which you totally will – then you're screwed.

Luke looked to Summer for a while as she examined her nails. He took in a long breath before turning back to watch the scene

Later that day Sandy had each of the teens sitting in the lounge with him and Kirsten noting quickly the ever-present tension between the three of them. Though to the best of his knowledge everything had been sorted out between the three, Sandy couldn't shake the feeling that Rachel wasn't pressed up against the side of the sofa, her knees pulled up to her chin for no reason. Kirsten let out a long sigh and sat beside Sandy clearly being able to see the same thing.

"Kirsten and I know that things have been tough this past year," Sandy said catching everyone's attention. "We also know that if anything we're probably the ones to blame. We admit that we took our roles as your guardians for granted and that for some time now we've put an extra pressure on you." Sandy stood silently for a time. "I don't know how to say how sorry we both are. Really, I don't think that there are words to describe it."

Kirsten stepped in then trying to make the teens understand exactly why they had to hear her and Sandy out. "You kids mean the world to us and Sandy and I don't think that we have really showed you that for a long time because we've been too busy with our own problems." She looked over to her son. "Seth, I hate to think that you haven't felt like you've had your parents there for you for the past year. It hurts so much to think that you felt like you had to go it alone."

Seth smiled slightly and nodded his head. "It's okay mum."

"No it's not," Kirsten insisted looking over to Ryan and finally to Rachel. "And you two; we brought you into this family so that you could have protection, so that you could have the chance at not having to be the adults in your lives. So that you could have people to support you every step of the way no matter what."

Sandy rubbed his hands together. "If anything we feel like we've failed as your guardian's," he said catching Ryan's eye for a time. "Like Kirsten said, we promised you both so much and we've wanted with all our hearts to give you that but we made a bad call and we had to pay the price. Seth, you know we love you no matter what, and being our son you've had to put up with a lot more than these two so it's not all that unusual for you."

Seth let out a small laugh. "Yeah, this stuff happens everyday," he piped in.

"Seth…" Kirsten began.

"Sorry, bad joke."

Kirsten nodded her head. "Knowing everything that your three have been through we hate to think that you've had to go it alone for so long. We're so sorry that things between us haven't been great because looking back on it now we both know that we could have made it different."

"We shouldn't have let everything with your father blow up like that," Sandy insisted looking to Rachel who only met his eyes for a moment. "Neither of you should have been hurt and we take full blame for what happened."

"Sandy no…" Ryan stated.

"Ryan," Sandy insisted. "It shouldn't have happened."

Rachel finally spoke up, her voice soft as her eyes connected with the man she had now come to know as a true father figure. "We're fine Sandy. It's not something we haven't dealt with before. You two put so much pressure on yourselves thinking u have to raise me as well as these guys. Technically you don't, so I don't want you worrying. I don't want your apologies." Rachel felt Seth shift slightly beside her but focused her attention elsewhere. "Just forget about it."

Sandy nodded slowly. "That's exactly why we brought you kids here. We wanted to tell you that this whole incident was something that we hope to leave in the past." Sandy looked over at Kirsten who smiled slightly. "That's why Kirsten and I have decided to renew our vow's."

The three teens looked blankly at the couple before Seth cracked a smile. "Any excuse for a party is good with me."

"Congratulations," Ryan spoke, Rachel giving a slight smile.

Kirsten nodded. "Well there's a lot of planning to do, we've already scheduled it for Saturday so it's not even a week away."

With that she ushered both Seth and Ryan out into the dining room where she could show them the plans and also give Sandy the chance to talk alone with Rachel. Something he hadn't had the chance to do for a while.

Rachel looked up at Sandy. "I don't really know what I should say. Congratulations? Um…wow?"

Sandy laughed openly at her comment. "You don't have to say anything." Rachel nodded and let out a long sigh, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. "You know we do worry about you, Rachel," Sandy began. "Both Kirsten and I."

Rachel didn't look at him. "I know. I just don't want you too."

Sandy sat down beside her. "Why not?"

Rachel looked down to the carpet and paused in thought before she spoke. "It's like…I've always had two guys in my life who were…I dunno, you could call them parents. My brothers just…they never let up you know? No matter what it was they were always there," she spoke slowly as though contemplating each word before saying it aloud. "Trey was…I mean he was a wreck…the last possible person you would ever go to for anything even remotely sane. But…when I was with him he was a completely different person. If anything meant that I would get hurt he was there trying to stop it."

Sandy was watching Rachel closely as she spoke all the while being aware of the thin scar that he could see where her sleeve didn't quite cover her wrist. He felt his heart speed up at the thought of what lay along her arm, what she possible could have done whilst he and Kirsten were too far away to know. He wondered how she had kept it from Ryan and Seth.

Maybe she hasn't. She's always had two males there, he thought contemplating her words.

"When I came here I wanted so badly to be able to look at you and Kirsten and see 'mum' and 'dad'. But the longer I tried the more I realised…it'll never happen." Rachel took in a long breath. "Then there was Seth and…he just wanted to know everything, you know? There wasn't a single thing that he let faze him and he's…loved me like I don't think anyone ever has. But he's not Trey. He never could be." Rachel went silent then as her eyes gained a far away look and her face showed pure sadness in all its form. "I love him so much that it just…it hurts like hell cos I know I'll never…"

Sandy leaned closer to Rachel then. "You'll never what?" he asked gently seeing her clearly trying to find the words as she battled against her own emotions.

"I'll never stop loving him," she whispered. "But I know I could never love him at the same time…I just can't. I don't…sometimes I don't even know what love is. I mean, God, look at me…my whole life has been about trying to find those people who give a damn. Trying to…fight the whole world. Then the one chance I get to be everything I used to – still dream about I can't find a way to get rid of what I am. What I don't wanna be."

"Rachel if you got rid of what you are, you would lose everything," Sandy finally spoke. "You have a chance here to start fresh, to truly live the life that you and Ryan deserve. You do know how to love. I've seen you love. In everything you do, when you're with your friends, when you're with Ryan." Sandy gazed intently at Rachel trying to make her believe his words. "When I see you with Seth. Anytime you're together whether you're watching tv or talking, I can see it in your eyes."

Rachel took in Sandy's words knowing deep down that he was right. She knew she could feel for someone, that she could look at the Cohen's and call them her family. Part of her wasn't sure if it was only because she forced herself to or whether it was real. She didn't even know why she kept denying it.

Maybe I'm just scared to think that everything could be okay, she thought. I've convinced myself for so long that it's not…

"I just…I think I need some time away from him to just figure things out," Rachel replied quietly. "I don't wanna put him in a position where he can't go out and see what the world has to offer because he's too busy trying to make me hold on to whatever it is I'm trying to find."

Sandy was quiet for a time once Rachel had stopped speaking. "I think you're right," he replied causing Rachel to look up at him in shock. "I also think you're making one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Seth loves you Rachel, like I've never seen him love someone before. But it's your decision. Just don't take it lightly."

A soft knock at the door pulled Rachel from her train of thought and she looked up to see Ryan standing there.

"Can I come in?" He asked.

Rachel stared at him for a moment before answering in a small voice. "Sure."

Ryan stepped into the room and took in his surroundings. It had been so long since he had been in there that it felt like an entirely new world again. Sitting on the edge of the bed Ryan noticed how Rachel leaned against the headboard, her knees tucked up to her chin as though she was afraid to be near him.

"I was hoping we could talk," Ryan spoke gently.

Rachel felt her heart begin to pound in her chest. She didn't want to talk, not about what happened the other night. Not about what had separated them. Not about what was going on with Seth or their relationship. Not about anything.

"About what?" Rachel asked cautiously.

"You," Ryan answered simply and noticing Rachel stiffen was quick to add. "Me…us…our lives…where we're going."

"Going?"

"Not going," he was quick to reassure. "I mean in the life-direction sense."

Rachel wasn't exactly sure she liked where this conversation was headed. It had been so long since she and Ryan had sat down and simply talked about what they wanted to do and where they wanted to go. She could feel his eyes on her like she was some sort of specimen of great interest and knew that he could see her uneasiness.

"I know things between us have changed," Ryan began as though reading her mind. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend that it hasn't happened because we both know it has. You have your life now and I have mine and they're not as reliant on each other as they used to be. That doesn't mean I don't care about you any more."

Rachel let out a breath and closed her eyes. "Ryan, don't…"

But he cut her off before she could finish. "No, let me say this," he insisted. "I'm sorry for what's happened with us and I don't just mean lately, I mean our entire lives. They've been screwed up and painful and nothing ever really seems to go right for a long time before it all just stuffs up again." Ryan let out a breath and looked down at the sheets. "But I'm not sorry about what it's done to us…what it's made us. We're stronger than normal people are Rach and it's because of what we've been through."

"Maybe you," Rachel whispered.

Ryan gazed up at her then and let out a sarcastic laugh. "You know what, I knew you'd say that," he said with a sense of anger in his voice. "You never have any faith in yourself. Why do you think you always lose out, huh? Why do you think things suck so badly all the time?"

Rachel stared strongly at Ryan. "I'm guessing you're gonna tell me."

"It's because you never see the big picture. It's all about you in your little world and all the pain that's there," Ryan accused.

"Thank you Ryan, I really needed someone else to state the absolute obvious," Rachel spoke bitterly. "Do you feel better now that's off your chest?"

Ryan let out a breath. "Don't be like that Rach."

"Like what?" Rachel demanded. "Little girl trapped in her own world, completely oblivious to everything else going on around her? Wait a second…aren't I just being myself?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Rach look…"

"Get out Ryan."

"I'm going back to Chino!" Ryan suddenly yelled.

Rachel stopped dead, her words caught in her throat. The breath which she held was quickly let out as sudden confusion, anger and fear welled inside her at Ryan's words.

"I want you to come with me," he finished.

Rachel's lips parted slightly as she stared at Ryan in utter shock. "What?" was all she could manage.

"I want to get rid of our pasts. We have to find a way to put it all behind us," Ryan answered. "We can't keep thinking 'what if' all the time." He looked deep within her confused eyes. "Rachel, I hate what it's made us into. I hate that you cut your wrists because you can't deal with everything that's happened in your life." Ryan let his fingers run soothingly through her hair. "I want to go back to get rid of it…for good."

Seth whistled quietly as he sat with the phone to his ear, listening to the connecting tone over and over again. He'd been trying this number for what seemed like an age now and it occurred to him that maybe the phone was off, or out of range, or unattended.

Or maybe she doesn't even use it any more

Seth ran his parents earlier news through his mind not quite understand why anyone would want to renew their vows but at the same time being happy that they were finally working things out.

Like me and Rach

The thought made Seth stop for a time and listen closely to the ringing of the phone. He couldn't help but feel that although he believed, felt and thought things were finally settling down with himself and Rachel, there was a nagging voice in the back of his head that kept saying things weren't what they seemed.

Seth had now learned that reading what Rachel showed on the outside was more misleading than a political leaders promises just before Election Day. There was rarely anything that showed outwardly what she was feeling, thinking or believing.

Just pick up!

Within seconds the line clicked over and Seth was taken aback by his command being met. However, that hope quickly faded when the voice of a machine spoke on the other line.

"The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. Please check the number and try again."

Seth sat shocked for a time. He stared down at his cell-phone, checking the name, the number, anything that might show he slipped up and dialled something he shouldn't have. But it was all right. Everything.

A sinking feeling came to the pit of Seth's stomach, just lie he remembered it felt like on his first day of school. Anna had disconnected her phone. She'd done so and not told him. She'd cut off the one tie that she had with the Cohen without so much as a 'sorry'.

Seth threw his phone onto the bed and stared blankly at his computer screen. All he wanted to do was invite her to his parents 'wedding', that was it. All he wanted was to be able to see her again. It had been so long.

Seth missed Anna.

Many hours later Rachel folded her leg under herself as Seth placed a bowel of ice-cream on the bed between them, taking a spoonful for himself. She watched him for a time as the brain-freeze set in and his face contorted into agony.

Pulling the spoon from his hand Rachel spoke. "Can I ask you something?"

Seth shook his head to force the pain away and answered. "Shoot."

Rachel looked down for a moment. "Did you ever like Anna, when we were going out I mean?"

The question was direct and yet came with a tone of being something that had taken a long time to be asked. Seth looked up at Rachel for a time. "Yes and no," he replied. "I guess…maybe. Yeah I think I did."

Rachel nodded her head though clearly not happy with the answer she'd received. Diverting her eyes from Seth she dug the spoon into the food before her and applied her attention to playing with it, rather than eating.

"Do you still love Kurt?" Seth asked seriously.

Rachel let go of the spoon but remained staring at it. "I dunno," she answered weakly. "On some level…" she simply shrugged leaving the question open, not knowing how to answer it. She let out a long breath. "Jesus, how did we ever get here?"

Seth looked around at the room. "Dunno about you but I pretty much walked."

Rachel looked up at Seth, her eyes searching his. She eventually just looked away not being quite sure of what she was trying to achieve. She heard Seth let out a long whistle and gazed back over to him. He was so beautiful to her, so flawless. Completely hers and yet she knew he never truly could be.

"Seth…" she whispered.

"Yeah?"

Rachel let out a long breath and watched him as he watched her. "I don't…" but the words just refused to come out.

Seth moved closer to her clearly seeing that there was something on her mind. "What?"

"I…" Rachel closed her eyes for a time before feeling Seth's fingers gently caress her arm. "You know I love you and that I wanna be with you…?"

Seth frowned at her words. "Yeah."

"But…I need some time to figure out what I'm doing with my life and where I wanna go. That's why me and Ry' are going back, but…" she ran her fingers along Seth's jaw and down his chest letting them come to rest on his abdomen. "I need some space right now…for a while at least."

Seth tilted his head closer to hers. "I know things have been hard but…"

"Seth, if you want this to be able to work you'll let me do this," Rachel stated. "I love you so much and I'm not gonna lose you because of something that I have control over."

Seth let out a sigh and hung his head before nodding slowly. "I know," he replied. "I just don't wanna lose you is all."

Rachel leaned closer. "You won't," she insisted. "I promise you, I'm always here but right now…at least for the time being I can't be."

Truth be told Rachel wasn't too sure herself if she would still be there, or if Seth really had to wait for her. She knew that everything happening in her life was putting a strain on her relationship with Seth. But she also knew that if she was to find something out there worth fighting for, worth dying for, she didn't know if she would make it back to him.

Rachel rested her head against the side of Seth's feeling him sigh slightly at the feeling. She smiled, leaned close and kissed him softly.

"Thankyou," was all that she murmured.

Rachel looked out across the grass scattered with memories of those who were once cherished. She knew people who always claimed to hate this place. There was something creepy about it they said.

At that moment, however, there was a sense of calm in the deserted area. Even the trees stood still in the almost non-existent breeze. The smell of fresh flowers filled the air and created a peaceful atmosphere.

Rachel stood looking down upon the grey stone which she'd been so terrified of from the moment it was layed there. It looked so plain, so cold, so empty. She waited for the onslaught of emotions to come crashing down upon her but instead felt nothing.

Something did stir inside her however. A foreign emotion that until now had only been a dream. Content. Pure, unexploited content.

She couldn't help but smile slightly at the name engrave on the stone. Kurt Willis. A name which she had never given up teasing him about. A name which was forever etched in her memory.

Rachel placed a hand into her front jeans pocket and pulled out a small silver ring. She couldn't remember the last time she'd actually worn in. it was always kept tucked away, under a pile of paper and books in one of her bedside draws. A constant reminder that there had been something before New Port. That everything within that room wasn't there before.

Letting out a long breath she crouched down and turned the object over a few times in her hands. Even now she thought it was beautiful. Even now it was hard to comprehend that something so small could contain so many memories of one person, a life of happiness and regret.

She placed it gently upon the stone, just below his name. Rachel stared at the object for a time before standing slowly. Again she looked out across the grass, eyes scanning the unfamiliar names around her.

Rachel turned and began to walk toward the exit, leaving Kurt and the first fifteen years of her life whistling through the blades of grass behind.

Ryan looked up as Rachel walked into the house that afternoon. Theresa practically leapt up from the couch and rushed over to her friend, embracing the new arrival.

"God Rachel, it's been so long," she commented.

"Yeah," Rachel replied. "Sorry I kinda took off last time."

Theresa only shrugged and joined Ryan again on the couch. "You knew you didn't belong at the funeral. If you hadn't left I would have kicked you out."

Rachel smiled at the reply before gazing over to Ryan who had an all too familiar look on his face. She gave him a slight nod to let him know that everything was done.

Hearing the front door slam again the trio looked up to see Arturo enter, a backpack slung over his back. He only grinned and nodded his head in approval when he saw who was sitting in the lounge. "Ryan, my man," he spoke as Ryan rose to shake his hand. "How ya been?"

"Can't complain," Ryan answered. "How about you?"

"Same old, same old," Arturo replied. "See you rich kids aren't cleaning up too bad." Rachel raised a single eyebrow at his comment as he looked her up and down. "Well don't you just look like little Miss America." His tone turned to one of mocking. "Thank you for this award…I only have one wish…world peace."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Oh, watch me double over in laughter," she said with as little enthusiasm as possible. "Keep your day job Art'."

Arturo smiled before giving her a hit on the shoulder. "Haven't changed a bit Rach."

Rachel only shrugged at the comment but it was Ryan who answered. "You'd be surprised."

"You guys want something to drink?" Theresa asked looking from Ryan to Rachel and back again.

"Beer," Arturo answered.

Theresa pointed to the kitchen. "Fridge."

Rachel laughed at their exchange, remembering a time when that was her and her own brothers. But before she had the chance to react her cell-phone chirped to life causing her to jump slightly in shock.

Walking out to the front door Rachel sat down upon the steps and answered the phone.

"Hey Rach, how you doing?" Luke spoke on the other line.

"Yeah, good, apart from the fact that I'm in Chino," Rachel answered.

Luke went silent for a time. "Does Ryan know you're there?"

Rachel looked out across the street that used to be so familiar to her and watched as a young girl walked her dog. "He's here too."

"You're not moving back, are you?" Luke asked not masking the concern in his voice.

Rachel couldn't hold back the laughter that escaped her lips. "God no," she answered. "Just tying up some loose ends."

The girl across the street stopped suddenly as her name was called from somewhere further down the road. "Come on sis, get your ass in gear. You wanna go to that party tonight, right? The way you get ready you should have been home an hour ago."

Rachel watched as the girl grinned and pet her dog for a moment. Her eyes ticked across the street to meet the Atwood's before she smiled and ran toward her brother.

Letting out a small breath Rachel became aware that Luke was still talking to her. "When are you coming home?"

It crossed Rachel's mind to say that she was home but she knew that it would be a lie. She'd said her goodbye's, Ryan had said his too. Now all that was left to do was to get in the car and leave.

"Already on our way," Rachel answered staring at the spot where the girl had been only moments before.

TO BE CONTINUED………

(My God I am soooooo sorry its been so long but things have been pretty crazy over here lately. Next chapters won't be nearly as delayed as they're already pretty much written. Not too long to go now so I hope you're enjoying it all still)

Joy Moody: It's cool you found the story lol. no complaints here. Great to know you like it too because you know, I wouldn't mind if you didn't it's just possitive feedback is great. I hope I don't disappoint in the future.

Leentje: Yeah it has been a while and I take total blame for that. I tried to write the basement scene like the library one as sort of…not awkward but almost just a huge distinction between how Ryan and Rachel used to interact and how they do now. Almost like how they cope in a situation where things aren't cool between them. So yeah, sorry about the wait

Meezardra: sorry to freak you out with the whole death thing but it's a huge part of Ryan and Rachel's life, you'd assume in the past it was a big aspect of it. Having their father die too, I mean, sure he was never a big aspect of their lives but still, it kinda just showed how at the end of the day, a lot of things in their lives are shattered and taken away from them. There's nothing they can do about that but try and be there for each other. Oh yeah, but wait, this whole story has been about how they aren't

Dramaqueen92: thanks for liking the chapter and I have no problems with you screaming after finding out I've updated lol. I was screaming at myself for not updating sooner. It's cool hearing you're having so much fun with this story. I'm having fun writing it