Chapter 2. Tell

As he stepped in between the hospital doors he kind of felt like his brain turned on a pause button. Without thinking anything more about what he was doing, or why he was here he walked up to the young girl behind the desk at the reception and announced himself, and let her know that he was looking for Dr Pettersson. He was told to sit down and wait and the doctor would be there shortly. He just sat there on an orange chair and stared blankly at a poster of a mother and child sitting in a waiting area similar to the one he was in. As he was wondering what the point of the poster was his name was called.

"Hi Mike. Nice to see you again. I'm glad that you were able to come on such short notice."

He just nodded as she started to lead him down the hallway. They walked into a room that looked like an office. He had expected an exam room.

"Please sit down Mike."

He did. She sat down behind what he guessed was her desk. Behind her on the wall was the typical children drawings that you could expect in an office of a doctor, along with a poster of all the muscles of the human body.

"Mike?" she said. And he realized that he had been a bit zooned off.

"Yeah, sorry. What is it that you wanted to talk about?"

"As I said on the phone we have your test results back now, and I have had a change to look through them. And I'm afraid that I don't have good news for you Mike." She paused.

He just looked at her. His heart beating hard in his chest.

"I'm really sorry to tell you that you have cancer." She looked at him with a sad smile. He felt like she had punched him in the face. His eyes started to water. He started to shake his head.

"No, that can't be right." He whispered.

"I'm really sorry."

"No. No, that…I… No that can't be right."

"I understand this is very hard to hear Mike."

"Yeah… But are you sure?" He refused to believe her. It had to be a mistake.

"I'm positive."

She leaned to the side and picked out some papers from a pile. She searched for the right one. She laid it on the desk in front of him. "What we are not sure about is the exact diagnose yet. Further tests need to be taken. But as you can see here, Mike, this is your results from the x-ray." she pointed to the black and white picture that apparently was his chest. "It is really hard to see, but do you see the areas over here and here" she pointed some more. "I'm afraid that indicates tumors." Mike just stared at the little dots on the picture. The only thing running through his brain was one single word: cancer, cancer, cancer.

Siri Pettersson watched her patient stare down at the x-rays. Every once in a while his whole body shuddered, but he didn't seem to notice. He was clearly fighting back tears.

"What is that?" he asked her suddenly. He was pointing on a formation at the picture. She turned her head to better see what he was pointing at.

"That is supposed to be there" she said in a friendly voice "this small dots and stripes you see here, however is not. These are most likely tumors." She said as she pointed to the white little dots that she knew was the tumors. She started to explain the picture more thoroughly. Mike's eyes never left the picture.

"Mike, I have consulted with an oncologist and shown him your x-rays. He will be your oncologist, and we will set up an appointment for you with him as soon as possible." She hesitated as he still hadn't looked away from the sheet in front of him. Was he even listening? She carefully leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder. That seemed to wake him from where ever his thoughts were. He looked at her with wide glassy eyes. "Sorry." He mumbled.

"It is all right. I would like to talk to you a bit more about what Dr Lundin said. Is that okay."

"Ehm..yeah sure."

He didn't really want to hear what else she had to say. He wanted to leave. He felt like he wanted to explode. He had cancer. He had fucking cancer. He noticed that his left leg was shaking, he tried to get it to stop. It didn't work. "Mike?" Shit! He was losing it. She was apparently waiting for him to focus on her. He forced himself to look up at her again.

"I know this is really difficult to take in. But I'm afraid that I we have to talk about this now."

He shook his head. "Okay" he shocked out.

"The oncologist studied your X-rays very thoroughly Mike, and these abnormalities is at your heart."

"My heart? What are you saying?" He almost laughed. "You are saying that I have cancer in my heart?"

"Doctor Lundin thought it was a high possibility for that. He wanted me to prepare you for this."

"But is that even a real thing? Heart cancer."

"Yes I'm afraid so. All though it is extremely rare, Mike. Doctor Lundin has never seen a case of his own, but he is concerned that you might have it. And your symptoms would fit into a description of heart disease."

"Okay." He whispered. The tears was so close now. He needed to leave now. He didn't feel like crying in front of this woman. He felt stiff and he was freezing. He bit his tongue hard.

"I'm really sorry Mike."

He nodded. He couldn't look at her.

"You will get through this Mike. We will just take one step at the time from now on. Okay?" She put her hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. As soon as she did a few tears escaped from Mikes eyes and trailed down his cheeks. He hastily wiped them away. Her gesture almost broke him. He wanted to break down and just cry, but he did his best to swallow it down.

"What happens now?" he whispered and removed his arm from her reach.

As she explained about treatments and what was about to happen next he really tried to pay attention, but found that he couldn't. And she seemed to notice. Because she stuck a few folders in his hand and told him to go through them later. As she stood with him when he was about to leave, she gave him a note where she had written down everything he needed to know about his appointment with his oncologist the next day. He knew that she was talking but had a hard time to register it. He was very thankful for the note. She patted his arm and wished him well as she followed him to the exit of the hospital. He stopped at the doors. What was he supposed to do now? He knew that he probably looked like crap, because his doctor hadn't left yet.

"Mike, do you have someone that I can call for you? To come and pick you up."

His mind quickly searched through the few options of people he had for that. Harvey? Would he come? But the thought left his mind as soon as it got there, and he shook his head.

"Let me get you a cab then." She didn't wait for him to reply. A few minutes later the car was there and she opened the door for him, said her goodbyes and closed the door behind him.

"Where to?" the cab driver asked.

"Eh… I… I don't know." Mike stuttered. Where would he go? What should he do now?

"Okay… Do you need a minute" The man in the front seat asked him kindly. Mike nodded and pressed his hand over his eyes for a while. Trying to wipe away a few tears again.

"You got some bad news huh?"

"Yeah." He sighed. He leaned forward and pressed his head against the seat in front of him. He was still shaking. He tried to take some deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, and to figure out what to do next. He should go home. But what was waiting for him there. Nothing. He didn't want to be there alone. And then he remembered Harvey. And the meeting. Harvey wanted his report. He had to go to work. As he sat up again he decided to just follow his doctor's advice, as he told the cab driver the address for Pearson Hardman. One step at the time.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

He had tried to calm himself down in the backset of the cab. The driver kept throwing worried glances back to him. He couldn't believe it. This was the worst possible news he could have gotten. He had played through a bunch of scenarios in his head before, but nothing that he had thought of compared with this. Heart cancer. Cancer in the heart. His thoughts was interrupted by the driver.

"You doing good back there? You are not going to puke or something?"

"No, I'm good."

"Cause it's no problem. I'll just pull over if you feel the need."

"No, I think I'm good." He leaned back in the seat and rested his head to the glass.

"Okay, that's good. You looked about ill before. I was just worried, you know."

"Yeah."

"So if you don't mind me asking, what was the bad news?"

Mike thought for a bit. Did he mind? "Well, actually… Have you ever heard of heart cancer?" he said eventually.

"Oh shit! Are you kidding me?" the cab driver sounded shocked as he looked at Mike in the mirror.

Mike found himself laughing a bit "Yeah, I really wish I was."

"That's is rough man. That is some bad news."

"Yeah… it is." He wasn't laughing anymore. He was trying to keep tears away. The cab driver seemed to notice.

"I'm really sorry to hear that." He said.

"Thank you."

"No, man. I know about that cancer shit. It is no fun. Do you know what kind of treatment you getting yet?"

"No, I just found out I have it today."

"Oh, so you had no idea before?" The man turned around to look at him, as he waited for a green light.

"No. Not really. I mean I have been feeling crappy for a while, but I never thought it was something like this." The man smiled kindly to him before turning his attention back to the road.

"I'm sure they will cure you." He said. And Mike couldn't come up with anything to say to that. He also couldn't hold back the tears any longer. But he felt a tiny bit better after talking a bit about it. He wiped his face and told the cab driver were to stop. They were outside the office building. He stopped and Mike found himself unable to get out. He didn't know if he was up for this right now. And he knew that he should just go home. He had the right to. He was a bit surprised when the door was opened for him, and the cab driver held his hand out for him. He took it, and got out of the car.
He fumbled his pocket for his wallet, but as he got it out, the cab driver shook his head.

"No, man., it's on me. I'm not going to take your money."

Mike just nodded at the man "thank you." The man squeezed his shoulder, and smiled at him. And at his gesture Mike felt his eyes tearing up again.

"Good luck man." The driver said, and with that he turned around and left.

Mike turned and looked up at the building in front of him. He could do this. Just get through a few more hours, then he could go home, and deal with all of this. The cancer. In his heart. No, he couldn't think about it now. He had to push it away. He took a few deep breaths and drew his hands across his face a few times, before he stepped inside the building.

Before he had to face anyone at the office he went inside the bathroom. He couldn't believe that this was happening. He found it impossible not to think about it. This wasn't supposed to happen. It was so unfair! What had he ever done to deserve this? He looked at his pale face in the mirror. He done the same thing a few times before. He had run to the bathroom with a feeling of panic running through him. But all those other times had been different. This was different. He couldn't do anything about this. He looked at his watch. Harvey was waiting. But he had cancer. He tried to take a few deep breaths. Harvey was going to be pissed. He wasn't sure if he could face Harvey being pissed at him, but he guessed that he had to try. And he had a good reason to be late. But he wasn't sure if he would be able to tell Harvey about it yet. He would just go and see what happened. He slowly made his way towards Harvey's office. He was trying really hard to keep his composure as he neared Donna's desk. He almost broke down as she looked up to him and smiled.

"Mike" she greeted him. She let her eyes wonder up and down his figure. "You okay, sweetie? You look pale."

He found himself just staring at her. After a moment she straightened up in her seat. "Mike?"

"Eh.. I was just..." He hesitated. He wanted to tell her.

"What's wrong?"

Could he tell her? What would happen if he just told her right now? She would freak out on him probably, and Harvey would know. But this was so bad, he really should let them know. But how should he start?

"I need to tell you something Donna."

"What is it Mike? Are you in trouble again?"

"Yeah you could say that." And he felt tears accumulate again. Just at that moment he heard Harvey shout at him. Donna looked questionly at him. He opened his month just as Harvey shouted again, and he felt himself flinch a bit. He shook his head at Donna and went into the man's office. He heard her call his name, but he didn't look back at her. He had missed his chance.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Harvey was slowly starting to get pissed again. He was stuck in the case, and he needed Mike's input. But he was still not there yet. He really thought that the kid had straightened up a bit today. He had done well at the meeting, and Harvey had been inclined to look past the rest that had been going on with him. The yelling he had done had worked. He had felt a bit bad after it, but the next day they both had pretended like nothing had happened. And Harvey preferred it that way. But now the kid was taking strange phone calls again, and just left even when he told him not to. And that pissed him off. He glanced at his watch. It had been one hour and 20 minutes now. He was just about to call Mike, when he saw him walking stiffly towards his office, head bent down to the floor. Donna looked up from her desk when he came closer. Harvey could tell that she was asking him something, because the kids nodded a bit and answered her, but they were talking to quietly for him to hear what they were saying.

"Get in here now!" He yelled. Mike knew he was waiting, and he still stopped to chat. As Mike walked over to his office, he saw Donna throwing Harvey a disapproving look. Mike hesitantly stopped in front of his desk. He didn't say anything, and when Harvey looked up at his face he saw that he was a bit flushed and he wouldn't look him in the eyes.

"So?" Harvey said.

"So… what?" Mike asked. He looked confused.

"So what is your take on the meeting of course? What's with you?"

Mike had to stop himself from flinching at his harsh tone. He swallowed a few times and closed his eyes briefly. He wished he was back in the cab.

"Mike!"

The meeting, Harvey was asking him about the meeting. For a moment he had thought Harvey was referring to the doctor's appointment, but then he realized it was the meeting he and Harvey went to before that. It felt like a lifetime ago. But he had to answer something.

"The meeting… yeah… of course. I'm sorry."

"Well?"

What the hell was up with the kid? He was stuttering and repeating himself and explaining obvious things from the meeting.

"Let me stop you right there," he said "is that the best you got? That's not useful to me Mike." At the look on Mikes face after those words almost made him regret saying them. The kid looked heartbroken and close to tears. "Mike look, I don't have time to deal with whatever you got going on, so can you just get yourself together and we can move on, okay?"

"Harvey…"

Harvey put a hand up to interrupt him.

"Not interested." He picked up a few files from his desk and threw them to the kid. Mike did a pathetic attempt to catch them, but one file slipped from his grasp and papers spread across floor. Harvey just shook his head and went to sit down behind his desk, ignoring Mike, who ducked down to pick the papers up.

He had tried his best to tell Harvey what he wanted to hear about the meeting. But he couldn't really focus and while he was talking he saw on Harvey's expression that he wasn't pleased. The words he had said when he interrupted him had really hurt, and he felt that he was on the edge of losing it. He was trying! Then Harvey threw files at him which he dropped on the floor. The papers flew everywhere. And he was actually grateful to be able to sink down on the floor to retrieve them, just so that he had a chance to compose himself. He heard the door to Harvey's office open, and then Donna was next to him, helping him with the papers. She took the file from his hands and stood up and walked out of the office. He glanced at Harvey but he was looking at his computer, so he just left.

Donna was already waiting with the file sorted out for him. She handed him it, and went to sit down by her desk.

"What did you want to tell me Mike?" she asked him kindly.

But he couldn't tell her now.

"Thank you Donna, for the files." He said, and then hurried away. She looked after him and debated with herself on whether she should go after him or not. She stood up and walked over into Harvey's office. He didn't acknowledge her at first, and she coughed.

"Yes, Donna?"

"What is going on with Mike? Something is wrong with him. And you need to fix it, or he will break in half."

"It's not my job."

"Harvey, I know you know something is up with him, and it is bothering you."

"No, it's not."

"He was about to tell me something, but then you yelled at him and scared him."

"Donna, you have a point with all this?"

"Find out what it was."

And with that she left his office.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Mike sat at his desk, trying to focus on the files, and not on what had happened less than two hours ago. If he just could get through these files he could probably leave without anyone noticing. Just a few hours more. He could do that. He could do that, right? The words on the paper in front of him kept floating together. They were blurry and he blinked a few times and suddenly understood that it was tears that he was blinking away. He hadn't even noticed. He looked around, but no one was paying attention to anyone else, and was engrossed in their own work.

Somehow a few hours passed and he had managed to get through all the files except one that he decided to just do the next day. He hadn't seen Harvey or Donna. The fact that Donna hadn't stopped by bothered him more then he wished it had. He thought that she wouldn't let him get away with what was bothering him. He knew that she had noticed that something wasn't right with him, and he found himself almost desperately longing for her to come and check up on him. But she never came. And neither did Harvey, even though he hadn't really expected him to at all.

He left everything work-related on his desk, knowing he wouldn't get anything done at home to night. It was still early at night, and almost every one of the other associates were at their desks. As he stood and gathered his things he got a few glances that he ignored. He really hoped that Harvey or Louis wouldn't need him for something more this evening, because if they came by and saw that he wasn't at his desk, he would be in trouble the next day. Not that he wasn't already. Harvey was not happy with him. But he couldn't find it in him to care at this moment.

He caught a cab, and did his best not to think about the day's events or the folders in his messenger bag. He was successful all the way home, but almost as soon as he put the key in the lock to his apartment he felt something crumble inside of him. He was just so tired and his emotions were all over the place. He threw his bag on the couch and practically fell down next to it. He rubbed his hands across his face and leaned his head back, and looked at the ceiling. He then opened his bag and took out the folders he had gotten from his doctor. It was a whole bunch of them, one about cancer in general, one about heart cancer and different forms you could get, and a few about different treatments and support that you could get. He tried to look through a few of them, but couldn't continue. He guessed that they were supposed to be encouraging, but it felt fake. And all of a sudden he just felt so angry at his situation, and he took all the folders and threw them away as hard as he could, and watch them fly and spread around his living room floor. Hot angry tears ran down his cheeks, and he got up and found himself pacing around his apartment as he started to sob. At first it was not that bad, but soon he was crying really hard. He couldn't stop. He couldn't think. Eventually he didn't have the energy to continue his pacing around the apartment and just sank down into a lying down position on the couch, and just let his body shake from the sobs as he buried his face into the cushions. He cried himself to sleep that night.