Chapter 4.
When Mike got home that night he just collapsed on his bed. To drained to do anything else. He just lay there for a while before he managed to get up and change clothes. He didn't bother to make something to eat. He wasn't hungry anyway. What he did do though was to take two pills. His doctor had talked about the cancer as stepping into a new world, and he guessed that was pretty accurate. An awful new world that he would give anything not to step into. Everything had been going so well before. He and Harvey had been on great terms, and Mike felt that they had become closer. He even thought of Harvey as a friend, even though he wasn't sure if Harvey felt the same way. After the last few days he probably didn't. No Harvey had gone back to threatening to fire him if he didn't get his act together. But how was he supposed to do that now. Things were only going to get worse from now on he had been told. He felt like he wanted to cry or scream or both, but he didn't have the energy to do either. So after he brushed his teeth he went to bed and thankfully fell asleep just minutes later. That way he didn't have to think more about everything.
– SUITS –
Harvey had decided to leave early that night. He had given Donna the night off as well, which she happily had accepted. She had been wise enough to not say anything about the conversation he had with Mike. She probably knew that he regretted it and didn't want it to make it worse for him. But before she left she had given him a look that clearly told him that she was expecting him to set things right. And she was right. He had to do something about Mike. He hadn't wanted to have a fight with Mike and yell at him again. It seemed like that was all he was doing lately. And he had been angry earlier about the kid missing the meeting. But then Mike had said something about Harvey not even asking what was wrong, and that was when he knew for sure that something in fact was wrong with Mike. But of course he had to say that it wasn't his job. He didn't even know why he had said that. He should have just asked what it was, but at the moment he had thought it would be better to stress that Mike had screwed up by not being at the meeting.
But what if something was wrong with Mike, maybe something had happened to him that kept him from the meeting, he actually hadn't even asked him anything about it. But how hard was it to just call in that case? Mike thought he could do whatever he wanted and get away with it. No, he had been right with threaten him that he would be fired. It was not like he was going to actually do it. But Mike didn't know that, and he liked to keep it that way.
But maybe he had been a bit harsh. Donna thought so. He would have to make it up to the kid somehow. Maybe ask him to rejoin the case he was working on. That might be a start. Harvey got up from his couch and went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. Tomorrow he would do something about their situation.
– SUITS –
Mike woke up from his alarm the next morning. He lay there for a moment. He didn't feel like getting up at all. He didn't know if he would have to energy to face Harvey again. He felt drained and had to force himself to get out of bed before he fell back to sleep. He stumble to the kitchen to find something to eat for breakfast after taking some pills. He hadn't had anything for dinner the night before, and he should probably eat something now. He took some cereal with milk, but it grew in his mouth and he didn't finish it. He felt worse when he thought about having to go to work. He couldn't help but worry that thing would get even worse today. But he was even more worried about what would happen if he stayed at home. He couldn't do that. There were so many what if-questions that popped up in his head that he almost didn't know what to do with them all. He couldn't really process it all. What if Harvey fired him? What would happen with him then? What if he told Harvey and he wouldn't care? What if… No he had to stop. Think about something else Mike. But it was hard. He was scared. He didn't want to admit it even to himself, but he was. One thought lingered back in his mind. It was always there but he didn't want to let it out, because he was afraid that it would take over. What if he was dying?
He got to work on time and started to work for some files for Louis. A few hours passed without Mike being interrupted. He had decided not to bother Harvey at all. He didn't want to piss him off. Had it been just a few weeks earlier he would have done just that. But on the other hand, a few weeks earlier he didn't know what he knew now. He couldn't now. He didn't really feel well at the moment. He felt anxious and scared, he didn't know why.
Then he looked up and saw Harvey walking towards him. He felt himself tensing, and bit his lip to not let tears rise in his eyes. Why were they even threatening to fall? But he really didn't want Harvey to yell again. And what if he was coming to fire him now? He hadn't done anything wrong since yesterday, had he?
But Harvey seemed to notice how tense he was so when he got closer he held up his hands in an surrounding gesture.
"I'm not here to fight Mike." He said. He leaned forward and talked while he looked away towards the break room as if he saw something really interesting over there.
"Look, Mike. I have decided to forget what happened yesterday, okay? So you are on the case again." He glanced at Mike and silenced him before he could say anything. "Not a word. You are coming to the meeting in two hours, and I expect you to be familiar with every detail of the case by then. Understood?" This was the first time he met Mike's eyes.
"Thanks' Harvey." Mike whispered. "About yesterday…" he hesitated.
"It's in the past Mike."
"Okay." Mike looked down at his desk. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't Harvey just ask him what was going on with him? He most see that something was going on right? Mike wanted Harvey to ask. He wanted to tell him. He just didn't know how. He didn't know how Harvey would react. And Mike didn't want Harvey to act Harvey-like. What he really wanted was for Harvey to just fix everything, just like he always did. But he guessed that he should be thankful for that Harvey had chosen to forgive him for yesterday. He was too tired to argue anyway.
"It's in the conference room. Two hours Mike. Don't be late." With that he turned around and left. Mike found himself staring at the older man's back until he disappeared behind a corner.
– SUITS –
Harvey thought that he had been good to Mike. It was a nice gesture from his side to offer to forget the day before. Maybe he was being too soft on the kid. Mike had after all been slacking off a lot lately and to miss a meeting was a big deal. It was not professional at all, and Mike didn't even have a good explanation for it. That pissed Harvey off, but here he was, offering to forget it! After all he didn't want to be arguing with Mike. They had done that already, and it had led nowhere good. Hopefully Mike would appreciate the gesture and get himself together soon. Otherwise he and the kid really needed to have that conversation about what was going on. Because he knew that it was something, he just kind of hoped that he wouldn't have to deal with it. That he could just talk some sense into Mike and it would all be good again.
The meeting was with a client for the case they were currently working on. The client, Conny Aspegren was there before Mike was. Not a good sign. But the kid turned up and had all the right papers with him, and sat down at the side of the table while Harvey was sitting across from Aspegren. It started out well and they had been discussing the business deal for almost forty minutes when the client suddenly held up a hand.
"Maybe we should take a short break?" he suggested and nodded his head towards Mike. Harvey looked over what he saw made him irritated and embarrassed at the same time. Mike was resting his head in one hand that he was leaning on the table, clearly asleep.
"Mike." He barked. Mike didn't even flinch. Harvey looked eyes with the client. "I apologies for this, he was…" but Aspegren interrupted before he had to figure out anything to defend Mike with.
"It's fine. We have all been there. How about I got and get some fresh air for a few minutes." He smiled and got up from the table, and as he left the room fished up a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.
"Mike!" Harvey tried again, but nothing. He swore to himself before leaned towards Mike and pushed his hand away from his face. As soon as he done it though, he kind of regretted it since Mike's head fell forward and he hit his forehead against the glass. It woke him up though.
"Ow!" he exclaimed while he rubbed his head. "What are you doing?"
"What am I doing?" Harvey asked calmly and watch how the realization hit Mike. He looked around and noticed that the client wasn't there anymore. When he looked back at Harvey his eyes were wide and Harvey could see all the color leaving it.
"Oh my god Harvey. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean… I didn't mean to fall asleep I swear. Please don't fire me!" He stopped himself after that and just looked at Harvey.
"Well Mike, what the hell were you thinking? Do you know how this make us look? It's fucking embarrassing!"
"I know, but I didn't mean for it to happen. I've just been very tired and I'm just dealing with a lot right now. Please…"
"Mike, I gave you this opportunity to show me that you are worth keeping around but after this"
"I'm sorry." Mike whispered this time. He refused to look Harvey in the eyes and were blinking rapidly, and it surprised Harvey more then he thought it would to see that Mike was actually trying to not to cry right now. He was just about to handle that when they were interrupted.
"Is this a bad time?" came another voice from the door. It was Conny Aspegren. Harvey couldn't stop staring at Mike who didn't say anything and kept his eyes at something on a paper. Without looking away from Mike he said:
"I believe it is. Mike?"
Mike shock his head and Harvey thought he would deny the fact that everything was fine, but he didn't. Instead he started to apologize to their client who assured Mike it was nothing to worry about.
"I have had days like yours as well. We are all just human." He said.
"Yeah, but still, I'm very sorry."
"Let's just continue shall we? So we can get out of here!" He gave Mike a wide grin.
They did continue after that. Mike was quiet and only said something when he was asked a direct question. After half an hour they were finished and Aspegren shock their hands and left. He had patted Mike's shoulder before he stepped out and had once again reassured him that it wasn't such a big deal to fall asleep during a meeting. Mike had tried to smile. It hadn't worked.
Harvey went to sit down again at the table, and waited until Mike did the same. He didn't say anything at first, and it didn't take long for Mike to start babbling about how sorry he was.
– SUITS –
"I don't care Mike."
Mike just stared at Harvey. Why would he say that? Couldn't he see that something was wrong with him? Mike found himself wishing intensively that Harvey would just for once actually show that he could care for once. He knew deep inside that the older man cared, but now, at this moment he wanted Harvey to show it.
He had been so incredibly tired during the meeting that he hadn't been able to stay awake. Then he had been awaking when Harvey pushed his hand away from his face. It had hurt a lot when he smashed his head into the surface of the table. First he had been angry, but then he realized what he had done. He was so screwed. Harvey had been nice before and looked passed his behavior, but he thought for sure that this was it now. He had to try to get Harvey on his good side and get him to give him another chance. That had been all he could think about during the rest of the meeting. He felt like he was close to crying the whole time. He couldn't lose his job. What would happen then if he did? He couldn't even think about it. But now Harvey said that he didn't care about the excuses he was making. He was lying of course, and he suspected that Harvey knew that. But he actually didn't seem that angry. Now Mike was just waiting for Harvey to do something.
"I thought you wanted this Mike." His tone was dangerously calm.
"What? Wanted what? This job?" Harvey made a face that showed that that was exactly what he meant. "I do Harvey! I do, I really do."
"Well your actions says otherwise Mike."
Mike's heart was sinking in his chest. Among other things. It was also killing him, he thought briefly. He felt so confused. He also felt something else. Disappointment, he concluded. Harvey didn't care after all. Didn't he even consider that there was a reason for everything that was going on with him? Why didn't he ask?
"It's not like I wanted to fall asleep Harvey."
"No?!" Harvey stood up. "What the hell is it that you want then Mike?" Harvey almost yelled by now. Something snapped in Mike at this point. He felt like he couldn't do it anymore. Act all normal, like there was nothing wrong. Not when everything was wrong! He put his head in his hands. What did he want? He wanted to tell Harvey. And he wanted Harvey to tell him that it was okay, that everything was going to be fine. But he didn't know how to say start. "I… I want to go home." He ended up whispering instead. Shit, he sounded like a five-year old. He was hiding tears behind his hands now.
– SUITS –
Harvey stopped at his associates words. He wanted what? He watch the kid on the couch, hiding his face in his hands. "You want what?"
"I just want to go home now." He said a bit louder. When Harvey stepped a bit closer, he saw that Mike was shaking. Mike hadn't said everything he wanted to say. But he just couldn't get himself to continue. Harvey knew something was wrong. Really wrong. But if the damn kid refused to tell him, how was he supposed to help him? He thought about putting a hand on Mike's shoulder to comfort him, but that would mean that he would have to sit down next to him on the couch.
"Go." Was all he said. But then sighed at himself. That was the best he could do? He was kind of relieved that Donna wasn't listening, she would have his ass. But he didn't have so much time to do anything else because Mike was on his feet and on the way to the door. He whispered a 'thank you' and was out of the room. Harvey exhaled and sank down on a chair. He should go after him. He should make him talk. But at the same time he felt kind of annoyed. There was always something going on with Mike. They could never catch a break. He had to admit to himself that most of the times it was not Mike's fault. But still, there were always something. He didn't know what it could be now though. It couldn't be anything family related, and there was nothing with work from what he knew. And Mike wasn't dating. He was pretty sure of that. Mike would have ranted about it. But come to think about it, Mike hadn't been ranting about anything lately. He had been quite and passive. There were no jokes, no movie quotes, no going on about how awesome he was. Instead he only spoke when spoken to and he seemed to be avoiding eye contact, now when he thought about it. Especially the last few days. Something was wrong, definitely wrong. He would wait until the next day, then he would find out.
– SUITS –
When Mike got home he sat down on his bed. He just sat there for a few minutes trying to collect his thoughts and feelings. It was not working that well at all. His thoughts were all over the places and he felt a million things at the same time. Not many of either feelings or thoughts were that positive. He started crying. He had done that a lot lately. It was kind of hard not too though. Even if he felt kind of pathetic doing it, like a little kid. His eyes fell on a portrait that stood on his night stand. It was of him and his grandmother. They were both smiling and she was hugging him. He missed her so much. She would have come with him to the hospital the next day when he started his treatment. Now he would be there alone. There were no one that would go with him. He thought back at the meeting with his doctor the day before.
"Mike, you can get through this. With a strong support system and successful treatment you will be able to beat this. There is hope."
Mike had nodded.
"Have you told your family yet? It is okay for a family member to accompany you to almost all of your treatments, and definitely all of our meetings."
"Well… I…I haven't told anyone yet."
"Mike you really should. Maybe a parent or a sibling if you have any? If you think it is too difficult to tell all of them."
"I don't have any." He had blurted out then. He wanted to change the subject.
"Just a parent then?"
"I told you I don't have any!" He had yelled, making the doctor push his chair back slightly.
"Mike…"
"I don't have a strong support system. I don't have a system at all. There is no one! I might as well skip the whole treatment then!" he didn't stop yelling, and he had gotten up from his seat. He was panting.
The doctor had stood up and went over to him, and slowly put his hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He had felt embarrassed then, and Dr Lundin had talked a long time about that he would do fine without that strong support system, and that he would receive excellent care at the hospital.
Now he couldn't stop thinking about his none-existing support systems. His grandmother had been it for him. A few years ago he also had Trevor and Jenny to turn to if he needed help. Back then he probably would have turned to them with this. But now?
He suspected that Harvey might want to help him if he asked. But he didn't feel a hundred percent sure. Harvey had said before that he didn't care about Mike's personal life. And this was certainly his personal life. He was supposed to be back at the hospital tomorrow and start his treatment. He had been advised to bring a friend with him. Right… A friend. He had plenty of those. Not. He just felt so pathetic as he laid down on his bed, went under the covers and tried to fall asleep. It wasn't working very well. He tried for what felt like hours, but when he glanced at his phone it had only been twenty minutes. The thoughts wouldn't leave him alone. He just wished it would stop. And on top of everything he was now thinking about conversation he had had with his grandmother, or the look on her face the last time he saw her, or the way she had been standing by the window looking out from behind the curtains where she thought he couldn't see her as he left her apartment, or… No, he really had to stop. He went up and sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to try to distract himself. Eventually he fell asleep to the sound of some western movie.
– SUITS –
Harvey went in early the next day. He was even there before Donna, an occurrence she could count one hand the times it had happened. She came in his office and tried to confront him about it, but he didn't feel up for jokes, and after just a few word exchanged between them she sensed it and left him alone. He felt her looking at him from time to time, but choose to ignore it. He couldn't really place the feeling he had with the whole Mike-thing. He wanted to be mad at the kid for screwing up all the time. If he had been Louis Mike would have been fired on the spot for falling asleep during a meeting. Or at least before, Louis had become softer lately. But Jessica would have fired him that was for sure. He had a meeting with Jessica after lunch, and a meeting with a client before then. That meant he would have to wait until the afternoon to talk to Mike. That gave him some time to figure out how to approach the situation.
He found himself passing Mike's desk a few times. It was first on the third time that Mike was actually there. He looked exhausted and didn't even notice that Harvey was watching him. He chose to not approach him, since he didn't really have any work-related reason of being there. Mike wasn't due with the files he was working on until a few hours later. But the next time he found himself walking towards the associate's cubicles he decided to say something.
"How is it going?" Mike almost fell out of his chair, but recovered quickly.
"Good. But I'm not finished yet." He said and threw a worried glance at his clock. "You said I could have two hours and twenty minutes more!"
"Yeah, don't start to cry or anything. I was just asking how you are doing." At Mike's look he added "With the files." With that he saw that Mike got a strange look on his face, if he had to guess Mike looked disappointed.
"We are going to have a talk later." He walked away after that.
– SUITS –
Harvey didn't see Mike until much later that evening. He had to go to an emergency meeting with a client after his meeting with Jessica. And Mike seemed to be avoiding him. When he got back he asked Donna to get Mike to come to his office. She told him that she hadn't seen Mike in a while and that she didn't think he was at the office. He just told her to keep trying to get him.
It was quite late when Mike eventually turned up. He stood like a school boy outside a principals offices, until Donna got up from her desk and almost pushed him in front of her into his office.
"I don't know what is going on between the two of you" she said. "But now would be a good time to fix it. Harvey, I'm leaving. I have that thing I told you about."
Harvey was just about to tell her that he didn't remember hearing about that thing, but a look at the face told him what he needed to know. He watch her leave.
Mike wouldn't look at him. Harvey was leaning against his desk.
"All right Mike. I think it's time we clear some stuff out." He said.
"What stuff?" Mike asked defensively.
"Look Mike, I know that something is wrong. Are you seriously going to deny that?"
Mike looked at him for a long time before he shook his head.
"You need to tell me what's wrong Mike, otherwise I won't be able to help you!"
To Harvey's surprise when Mike turned around it was tears in his eyes.
"Kid…" He said softly, and watched Mikes body shake a bit at the word. He went and sat down on the couch and mentioned for Mike to do the same. He stood for a while staring at Harvey, then glancing towards the door as if he was deciding whether or not to leave. Harvey decided not to push him any further. The kid looked so broken, now when he took a closer look at him. He had never seen him like this before, not even when his grandmother died. His face was sunken in and his eyes were wide and a bit red. It was time to put an end to this now, whatever it was Mike was going to tell him now.
"I'm not mad at you." He said kindly. "Just tell me."
– SUITS –
Mike felt himself shaking. Harvey was sitting there on the couch just watching him, not saying anything else. He glanced at the door torn between finally explaining everything and leaving just to avoid it. If he were to start talking about it he felt that he would break down. He wasn't sure if he could do that. What he was most afraid of was the way Harvey would react. A part of him just wanted to break down and have someone comfort him. He would prefer it to be someone else then Harvey. His grandmother. He needed her. He didn't think that he had ever missed her this much before since she died. The thought of her made the situation worse. And he blinked furiously to keep the tears at bay. Harvey was still just waiting for him on the couch, and when he met the man's eyes he saw something in them that made him make up his mind. It was time to tell Harvey.
"Okay…" he started but had to stop when his voice was shaking too much. He sank down on the couch next to Harvey. "Eh... Well, I haven't been feeling well lately Harvey. I told you, remember?" Harvey nodded, so he continued. "You said that I needed to get it on paper, so I did. I went to a doctor. And they did a bunch of test on me. Like a lot of them. And then the next day they called me." He paused and drew a deep breath. "They had my test results then."
"Your personal thing?" Harvey asked, and Mike nodded and then continued.
"They were… They said that I had to come there and they said that I should bring someone with me and then I knew…" He paused for a while and drew a few deep breaths. He didn't look up at Harvey, and the other man didn't say anything.
"Anyway, I went there and… and they told me."
"Told you what?"
Mike swallowed thickly. This was it. It was no going back after this.
"That I have cancer in my heart." Harvey just stared at him, but then he said something that at the moment almost made Mike breaking down right then and there.
– SUITS –
"Are kidding me? Is this some sort of sick joke for your side Mike, because if it is…" but then he saw the expression on Mike's face. "Oh my god Mike, you are not kidding." Harvey rubbed his face, and then looked back at Mike.
"No, Harvey I swear I'm not kidding. Harvey please… I… I have it on paper."
Harvey held up a hand to stop him. He nodded and looked down on his hands to collect his thoughts. He knew that Mike was watching his every move. This was so much worse than he had ever thought. He hadn't even considered for a second that it might be something physically wrong with Mike. If it had been something that Mike had done, or something that had been done to him Harvey would have known how to deal with it. But this!
"Harvey…"
Right, he should react in some way.
"Yeah kid. Shit…" He signed. "Mike, I am so sorry."
Mike didn't say anything. He just looked out of the window.
"Heart cancer? Is that even a real thing?" Mike laughed a bit at that.
"Yeah. That was my first thought as well. But yeah, it is."
"Wow… well, that's a fucking big problem Mike." Mike nodded. "And you have known about it this whole week?" and other nod. "You could have come to me Mike." He said softly, trying to meet the others gaze. When Mike didn't look at him he reached out and put a hand on Mikes arm. Mike didn't move at all, just looked at his hand.
"You were so angry, and I just…" he didn't continue, but Harvey understood that he was fighting against tears.
"I was an ass. I'm sorry."
Mike looked up at him and smiled while a tear trailed down his cheek.
"That's a first. You apologizing for being an ass." Harvey didn't think it was funny.
"I yelled at you, I told you I was done with you! Shit!" Harvey shocked Mike by hiding his face in his hands. He didn't know what to do or say, so he just waited.
"Shit kid! I don't even know what to say Mike. I am so sorry this happen you." This time he reach out and put a hand on Mike shoulder. It was like he pushed a button because as soon as he touched him Mike let out a chocked sob. Harvey watched as he struggled with his emotions. He was biting his lips repeatedly and blinking rapidly. Soon tears started to leak over his eyelashes and trace down his face as he blinked hard. He didn't move at all and Harvey felt how tense he was under his hand.
"It's okay." He found himself saying, and squeezed harder. Mike shook his head and a few teardrops hit Harvey's hand.
"It will be." At that Mike clasped his hand over Harvey's that was still on his shoulder and with the other he roughly tried to dry his tears, something that was pointless since new ones kept coming. Harvey felt how his nails were digging into his hand as he was trying to keep it there on his shoulder. Like he needed the confirmation that Harvey was holding on to him. He didn't do anything about it at all, even when it was staring to get really painful. He himself just held on harder on Mike as he cried. After a few moments he gave up the struggle of trying to stop crying. He was barely making any sound, just the sharp intakes of air. He was shaking.
They sat there for what felt like a long time to both of them. Neither of them spoke. Harvey was trying to process what was going on. Mike had cancer! He had cancer in his heart! The first thing he asked himself was the question of how do you survive heart cancer? Was Mike dying now? What should he do? What should he say? What do you say to someone who has cancer? What could he do to help? He had to fix this! Could he fix this? At least now he knew what had been going on with Mike. He was struggling with a deadly disease and at the same time he was being yelled at and accused of doing a piss poor job. He felt terrible! Not just for the fact that Mike had cancer, but also maybe just as much for how he had been treating Mike. He had known that something was wrong, but he had done nothing. And now Mike was dying. His associate! His friend. No that was not going to happen. Not if he had a say in it.
"Oh kid. Hey… Hey it's okay Mike. It's going to be okay. You will get through this. We will." He murmured as he moved a bit closer to Mike on the couch.
"Har-Harvey…" Mike whimpered and let out a few louder sobs, before he was able to control them again.
"Yeah…" he whispered, removed his hand from Mike's shoulder and opted to put it around his back in a halfway hug. Mike stiffened for a moment, but after a while Harvey felt him leaning a bit against him. They sat like that until Mike's sobs turned into occasional shuddering breaths and the tears stopped streaming. He was staring at the table in front of him. Harvey slowly released him and went out of his office to Donna's desk, where he soon found what he was looking for. He put the tissues down in front of Mike on the table.
"Thanks." He said as he grabbed a few and brought them to his face.
"How do I look?" He asked as he looked up at Harvey and made a mad attempt at smiling. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was puffy and red from all the crying. Harvey raised his eyebrow.
"Do you really want me to answer that question?" he said. Mike shock his head and managed a real smile.
Harvey sat down on the table in front of him.
"How about we head over to my place? You can sleep on the couch tonight. Would you like that?"
"Yeah… Yeah I would like that." Mike answered after a while when they both looked into each other's eyes.
"Okay. We can talk more later. Let's go kid." Harvey extended a hand and pulled Mike up on his feet and together they made their way out of the office.
– SUITS –
Hej guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you think, I would appreciate it a lot! It is always very nice to read your comments, so thank you very much for them.
This got to be a really long chapter. I thought it was time that Mike finally told Harvey. Imagine to have to carry something like that for as long as he did now. What do you think about switching between the points of view? I try to keep it separate. I really like to explore both Mike's and Harvey's thoughts and feelings, but I might repeat some things then. Anyway, until next time!