Chapter 7.
Harvey left. Why did he just leave like that? It wasn't fair! Didn't he get that Mike didn't want to be left alone. He was supposed to be able to read people. Why couldn't he read Mike? Or maybe he could, but he just didn't care. Mike didn't know. It wasn't much that he felt like he knew at this point, and it was so confusing trying to figure it all out. And even though he sort of knew that it didn't help him at all when he was trying to figure Harvey out, he couldn't stop himself from doing it.
It had been a great weekend. At least considering the circumstances. He had really appreciated everything that Harvey had done and said to him. Harvey was going to help him! It was such a big relief he could hardly believe it. But he had said it, and he had found himself repeating Harvey's words in his mind several times. He wouldn't be totally alone!
He was alone now. He had wanted to tell Harvey that he didn't want to come to his own place, but he figured that Harvey probably wanted him to go home, so he hadn't said anything. Although he was pretty sure that if he had asked Harvey would have let him stay. But here he was. He felt tired, but had been sleeping for most of the day, so he didn't think he could do that yet. He should probably eat something though. It might be good to cook something to just distract his thoughts.
When he looked through the shelfs in the kitchen he didn't find anything he wanted to eat so he just made himself a couple of sandwiches. He finished two of them but couldn't eat the third. It was growing in his mouth. He tried to watch some TV after that but found that he couldn't really focus, and it wasn't enough now to just have it on in the background. That had been fine at Harvey's place, but here it wasn't the same. He wished he was back there. His apartment was cold and he was freezing even with the two blankets he had. He turned the TV off and went to bed.
As soon as he turned the lights out his heart started to beat a bit faster. He had his eyes wide open and shadows were playing around the walls. Strange sounds that probably always was present now caught his unwanted attention. He had to turn the lights on again after trying several minutes not to do it. It was so pathetic, how in his age was afraid of the dark. Well, he was apparently now.
Why did Harvey just leave him here? No Mike, he thought, you said that you wanted to come here. It is your own fault. But he was so alone now. Nobody would know if something happened to him. Nobody was there to keep him company when he felt scared. And nobody even cared. His thoughts kept getting darker and darker. He only noticed that he was crying when the pillow by his ears started to feel wet. That make him cry more. He didn't want to cry like this, but at the same time it felt kind of better while he did it.
Maybe he should call Harvey? He had said that he could do that. But what should he say? That he wanted Harvey to come and get him back to his condo? Harvey would probably think that he was crazy. Because it was. Right?
He didn't know for how long he was laying there like that. He didn't call Harvey. He did nothing except laying there crying, and eventually he drifted off to sleep.
He was feeling better the next day, only a little tired. He almost felt normal which was nice for a change. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad today. He felt like he could get some work done today, maybe catch up on everything he was behind with by now since his work had been suffering for the last few days. He could always hope.
When he got to the office he decided to head to Harvey's office directly after getting some files from his desk. He hoped it wouldn't be weird or awkward between them now. But Harvey just nodded to him, and without saying anything Mike took a seat at the couch and started working. They didn't talk much. Mike asked Harvey for some details for the case, and they discussed it for a while. Neither of them mentioned the weekend or anything else. Donna was working outside, and she had greeted him when he came and given him a big smile. She usually listened in on everything, she would hear if they were talking. Mike appreciated Harvey for respecting his choice about not telling Donna yet. He would tell her soon though, when the right time presented itself.
When the time came for Mike's doctor's appointment they left together without telling Donna where they were going. She didn't ask, but just gave Harvey a look when he told Mike it was time to go.
"Let's go Mike. We don't want to be late." Mike who had no idea what time it was jumped up from the couch a bit too fast, and had to sit down again as he got a bit dizzy. He felt fine though. He just got up to quick. Harvey gave him a glare that said are you stupid? which he just ignored.
They did arrive to the hospital on time, and Harvey let Mike guide him through the halls towards doctor Lundin's office. The door was closed when they arrived, but the doctor opened quickly as Mike knocked. He looked pleasantly surprised when he saw Harvey standing a few steps behind Mike.
"Welcome Mike. Nice to see you again." He greeted and shock his hand. "You brought a friend with you? That's excellent Mike." He smiled widely and stepped forward to shake Harvey's hand.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Mike's oncologist, Dr. Anton Lundin." He said.
"Harvey Spector. Nice to meet you too. I'm Mike's boss." The doctor looked momentarily confused for a second when he mentioned that he was Mike's boss, but he didn't say anything about it, just invited them into his office and took a seat behind his desk. A few folders where prepared at his desk.
"So Mike, how was your first treatment?" he asked.
"Not great I guess."
"I take it the side effects were bad then?" He continued with more detailed questions about Mike's reactions to the chemotherapy and how he had been feeling, and Mike tried to give as accurate descriptions as he could. Harvey was quiet through that part and just listened.
"Is all of that normal?" He asked when Mike was done. "He was in pretty bad shape, not just physically, but also emotionally." He added. Mike had deliberately avoided to tell the doctor about his emotional breakdown. So much for that. He glared at Harvey, who wasn't faced at all by his look.
"Well, it is hard to say what it is that is a normal reaction to all of this Mr. Spector, it effects every patient differently. What you Mike, experienced might just be what will be normal for you. It might also get easier or worse. It is hard to tell at the moment."
"Great…" Mike muttered.
The next hour involved Harvey asking his doctor questions about the cancer, treatments and side effects. Mike stayed mostly silent and just listened. It turned out that Harvey was asking some of the questions that he had been wondering about himself. It was kind of nice that Harvey was there to handle the questions. Even if they were all about him and his situation it was a relief that he didn't have to take part in the conversation. He knew he should probably do more. He should research the cancer and treatment, ask questions and read all the folders. It was so much he should do. It was just that at the moment he really didn't want to. He was completely happy with Harvey handling it.
"Mike, are you even listening?" Yeah, he should probably do that at least.
"Eh...what? Sorry?" he said stupidly, and Harvey rolled his eyes.
"What I was saying Mike, is that after your chemo session today after our meeting we will have you set up for your first radiation therapy. From what you have told me I think that you will be able to do that. And seen as you already had your first consultation we are good to go."
"Oh, right. Okay."
"We will set you up on a low dose for now, which we might increase later on in the process, depending on how your heart will handle it. We will monitor you heart closely to make sure you don't suffer from any serious side effect."
"Like what?" Harvey asked.
"For example heart vault damage or irregular heartbeats. Other signs to look out for is also shortness of breath, chest pains, coughing or fever. Of course we want the radiation to do more good than bad, so be on alert for this."
"It sounds pretty bad." Harvey said. Mike said nothing.
"It is only possible side effects. Hopefully you won't have them Mike." He looked at both of them for a while.
"Do either of you have any more questions for me, or are you ready for your chemo Mike?" he kindly asked and tried to meet Mike's gaze. He shook his head.
But Harvey demanded a detailed description of what radiation therapy was and how it worked. They got that, and fifteen minutes later they were waiting for a nurse to start up Mike's chemo therapy. Doctor Lundin had brought them to the room where it was going to happen, and Mike was in a chair with an IV-stand next to him. He had been in a different room for a few minutes where they weighed him, taken his temperature and checked his blood pressure. Harvey was now awkwardly standing in front of him, as they said goodbye to the doctor. He shook Mike's hand and patted his shoulder before he left.
"Well. You were quiet in there." Harvey said, as he found a plastic chair behind a door and pulled it up next to Mike.
"You had it handled. Didn't you?"
"You bet I did." Before he could say anything else the nurse came and he had to push his chair to the side, as she needed the room.
Mike looked away as she put the needle into his arm, and managed to not jerk away as it entered under his skin. It didn't hurt that much after all. It was however pretty uncomfortable. She drew some blood in a small container and then left for a while. They waited mostly in silence. Harvey paced a bit back and forth.
"You can leave it you want." Mike quietly told him. Harvey stopped and looked at him a bit annoyed.
"You think I will leave now? I'm staying, end of the discussion." He added just when Mike was about to argue. He didn't need a babysitter. But it was nice of Harvey to stay.
"Okay, Mister Ross." The nurse said as she returned. "We are good to go. You can take these" she held out a few pills in a little plastic glass. "For possible side effects."
"Yes, he wants them." Harvey said as Mike didn't take them right away. He took them.
After that she stuck and other needle into his arm and taped it to his arm. Then it started and they just had to wait it out. It was a long couple of hours. At first Harvey tried to get him involved in conversation, but he didn't really feel up to it, and only answered with a few words. After a while Harvey gave up, and took out his phone.
Mike dozed off for a while.
When he woke up again and stretched in the chair Harvey looked up at him.
"You are still here." Mike stated.
"Yes I am, you idiot. I said that I was staying with you. How are you feeling?"
"Okay I guess. Is it almost finished?" he asked.
"How should I know? How long does this take?"
"Last time it was like three hours." Harvey glanced at his watch.
"Then in twenty-two minutes."
"Right. What are you doing?"
"Texting with Louis's wife."
Mike laughed a bit. "Yeah, what is she saying?"
"Nothing meant for your ears." He put the phone in his pocket. Then he looked at Mike for a few moments. "How are you handling things Mike?" He asked unusually kindly.
For a moment he considered to make a joke. But it wouldn't be fair to Harvey. He was staying with him at the hospital after all. He didn't have to do that at all, but there he was.
"Honestly I don't know Harvey." He answered eventually. "It's like my brain hasn't really come up with a way to react yet. It's like I'm just along for the ride. Go where they tell me to go and do what they tell me to do."
Harvey nodded then. "Alright" he said "I guess that make sense. It is a lot to take in."
– SUITS –
It really was a lot to take in. Harvey's own head was spinning with all the new information he had received during the afternoon. He guessed that Mike's reaction was one that could be expected. It was all happening so fast. This new reality for Mike had not taken hold of him yet. It probably would soon. They were interrupted then by the pretty nurse who stepped into the room. She smiled warmly against Harvey before she moved over to Mike. She small talked with him for a while, and checked his blood pressure and what Harvey guessed his temperature as well. After that she told them where to go next for radiation therapy.
Mike got to change into a hospital gown and then stepped into another room, but turned in the doorway and came back to Harvey. He stopped in front of him and looked at him hesitantly. Harvey raised an eyebrow.
"Will you stay?" Mike asked. He looked worried, and Harvey suddenly felt himself prepared to do everything he could to take his worry away.
"Of course." He said. "I'll be out here."
"But they said it will take at least an hour, and we have already been away from work for hours and hours now, and you were supposed to be in conference room C thirty minutes ago." He babbled.
"Mike. It's taken care of. Go on and get your radiation, they are waiting for you."
The kid still looked worried but did what he said.
Harvey sat down and waited. He really hadn't expected it to take this long. He had thought that they could be back at the office after like two hours, not five. But as he had said, he had taken care of everything. He had texted Donna, who had moved the meeting in conference room C, and he had texted the client that he would call him later. Donna had tried to call him, but he hadn't picked up. You were not allowed to take calls at a hospital, right?
She had also e-mailed him off course. She wondered what they were up to. He didn't like to keep things from her. He felt a bit guilty about it. But he wasn't going to betray Mike's trust. The kid really needed him.
Nothing had sounded good earlier when they talked to Mike's doctor. The odds really seemed to be against them, against Mike. But Harvey would make sure that he would beat them. He promised himself that he would take care of things from now on. The kid was obviously not capable of doing it himself at the moment. As he said, he was only along for the ride. And maybe that was a good thing at the moment. Harvey was going to try to keep it that way. If Mike just did what he told him, things would be fine. Hopefully.
Mike had been unusually quiet the whole day. He seemed a bit more collected now than he had been the last few days which was good, he guessed.
He had to wait almost one and a half hour before Mike appeared again out from the door. He was dressed in his own clothes.
"I'm all done." He said. "Let's get out of here!"
Ray came and picked them up at the parking. He didn't ask anything, like Harvey knew he wouldn't. He knew that Harvey would tell him when it was time that he knew.
"Man…" Mike sighed. "That was so boring."
"Really? You were expecting it to be entertaining?"
"No, but you just have to lay there all motionless. They get mad if you move. She didn't even want me to talk."
He seemed to be a bit better. He asked Harvey about the client, and they talked work for the rest of the car ride. Back at the office Mike planted himself on the couch again, and Harvey called the client. They talked a bit, and Harvey gave Mike some more tasks to do. He was aware that maybe it would be too much for Mike to do during the rest of the day, but he didn't want to ease up on the kid. He didn't think that Mike would appreciate that.
He watched the kid when he didn't notice. He looked exhausted, as he was reading through a file. It took him longer than usual to read one page. And suddenly his head jerked up and he blinked a few times. He apparently feel a sleep for a little while there. Harvey didn't say anything though. He wanted to see how Mike would handle it. Would he say something? Ask to be excused to go home? Not that Harvey would allow him to. He was planning to take Mike back to his condo again. No way that he would leave the kid alone after all the information about possible side effects from both cancer and treatments that he had learnt about today.
Mike didn't handle it at all. In fact he chose to do nothing. He just sat there on the couch staring out the window. Eventually Harvey decide it was enough.
"Okay kid, that's it."
Mike looked blankly at him. "What?"
"Since you are clearly done for the day, how about we head over to my place?" he asked.
"I can come to your place?"
"Yes, you can come to my place."
"Sweet." The kid tiredly got up, got his bag and walked out.
"All right. I guess we are going right now then." He mumbled to himself as he gathered his things.
Mike was talking to Donna, who tried to get him to tell her if he had been eating enough during the day. Harvey swore inwardly. Apparently he would have to feed the kid as well now. He didn't have any food at home.
"I will feed him, Donna. I promise." He told her, and grabbed Mike's arm and pushed him gently along the corridor. "Good night Donna" Mike called over his shoulder.
The first thing Harvey did when they got to the condo was to order some take out for the both of them. He was starving. Mike insisted that he was too.
"I haven't eaten all day." He whined.
"We had lunch."
"Yeah, but after that."
"It's not even eight a clock Mike. That is normal dinner time for you."
"Fine. But when does the food get here then?"
"You seem to doing good." Harvey noted dryly.
"Just because I have heart cancer doesn't mean I have to feel bad all the time Harvey."
The food arrived ten minutes later and Mike stopped whining only then. As they ate Harvey wondered if Mike would be able to keep the food down at all this time. He seemed to be doing well at the moment. He was talking and joking and ate all of his food.
Mike went to watch some TV after dinner, and left Harvey to catch up on work. After all he had practically missed a whole days' worth of work. Two hours later he decided to join Mike on the couch. Mike was quiet now. He didn't say anything when Harvey dropped down next to him. He didn't even move.
"Feeling anything?" Harvey asked.
"Shut up." Was the answer he got, which made him instantly annoyed.
"Fine."
After a while he noticed how Mikes breathing was getting louder. He jerked in surprise when the kid suddenly stood up from the couch and flew out towards the bathroom. Harvey stayed where he was, but could hear clearly what Mike was doing. He returned slowly a few minutes later and carefully sat back down.
"That was not nice."
"You want your bucket?"
"Oh, is it my bucket now?" he asked weakly.
"Well, you have a closer relationship with it than I do by now. It might as well be yours."
"I don't know what to say Harvey. Thanks…"
"I want it." He added a few minutes later, as he struggled up from the couch again. When he got back again, the bucket was waiting for him. He didn't say anything, just sat down and drew the bucket closer to him on the floor, so that it would be within reach.
He was moving around on the couch restlessly, trying to find a good position. They watched the movie for a while. Suddenly Mike's hand flew up to his mouth and he grabbed for the bucket with the other hand. Harvey made a move to help him, but he managed himself and avoided something unpleasant to happen.
It was pretty gross to sit next to someone how was retching, at least it didn't smell that bad, because Mike had not much left to throw up anymore. The kid fell back on the couch when he was done, he was panting and groaned a bit. He folded himself down so that he was laying across the armrest. It looked pretty uncomfortable. Harvey rolled his eyes and got up from the couch.
"Lie down." He ordered Mike, and sat down on a chair instead. Mike gave him a confused look, but then fell against the other side. His feet was still on the ground, but he then kicked off his shoes and brought the bucket close to his face.
He threw up a now and then after that. Harvey could tell that he clearly was feeling really bad. His shirt had spots that were wet from sweat, his cheeks was flushed and he let out pained sounds now and again.
Harvey fetched him a glass of water and a wet cloth, that he thought Mike could use to wipe his face with. Mike didn't care about it all though. He just swatted Harvey's hand away as he tried to hand it to him.
– SUITS –
Mike was feeling so so bad. It was definitely worse than the last time. He deeply regretted having that much food for dinner. Note to self; don't eat after chemo. His throat felt sore, he was sweating and was incredible nauseous. It felt like if he just moved his head an inch he would puke again. Harvey had gotten him a glass of water, it stood there on the table and looked so tempting, but it was just go down and then turn to come right back up. Better not.
On top of everything else his chest was hurting again. It was a deep ache that started in the middle of his chest and spread its way out. At first it was not so bad, but as time passed it got worse. He tried to rub at it with his hands, but the movement caused him to throw up. He was aware of that he was groaning pretty loud. Harvey came and sat down on the table in front of him.
"Mike, is it something that I can do?" he asked. That was nice. No, there was nothing he could do though. Nothing that he could think of at least. Harvey couldn't stop this.
"Mike?" Oh, right. He should say it out loud.
"No."
Harvey got up and left then, and Mike immediately changed his mind. Harvey could stay. He could keep him company, maybe talk to him. Distract him from the pain and everything else. He wasn't really aware of the fact if he said something out loud or not. But to his relief Harvey came back and sat down in front of him again.
"I have your pills here" he said. "You should probably try to take them Mike."
Harvey helped him to take the pills and take a few sips of water. He threw it up ten minutes later.
Something cold was on his forehead. It felt really nice as it swept down his face a few times. He became aware of that Harvey was wiping his face with the cloth. He was hugging his chest. The pain wouldn't ease up.
"We will try the pills again in a while Mike." Harvey said quietly next to him. He just moaned for an answer. Harvey would understand.
"Does your chest hurt, Mike?" Harvey was asking.
"Yes." He panted.
"Can you breathe all right?" No, he couldn't because his chest was hurting. He just said that!
"Mike can you breathe okay?" Harvey asked him again. "Can you draw in breaths? You need to answer me Mike."
"Yeah I can, but it hurts." He said just to get Harvey to stop bother him.
Mike wasn't really aware on how much time passed. He didn't feel any change in his body, except maybe he felt a bit worse. The nausea was awful. If he stayed still on the couch with his eyes screwed shut it felt marginally all right, but he also felt anxious when he had his eyes closed, and the pain in his chest made him want to keep moving around restlessly on the couch. It was also really warm.
Harvey was sitting next to his head and sometimes he would offer him something to drink, which he did not want. He also wiped his face again which felt kind of good. His head was starting to hurt as well.
After a while Harvey told him that he should try to take some pills again. "It's been thirty minutes without you throwing up now. You might be able to handle it." He said. "Here. I'll help you. Stop squirming Mike."
"You should probably try to get some sleep kid."
"I don't think I can."
"Yes you can."
"No."
"Well, you will anyway."
"But my head hurts." Mike muttered. Didn't Harvey get that? "It's too bright here."
"Fine." Harvey sighed, and Mike watched him get up and turn the lights off. Darkness spread across the room, and suddenly he couldn't see where Harvey was.
"Where did you go?" He asked out into the dark.
"I'm right here." Harvey said, right next to him. "Go to sleep now."
"I can't."
It turned out that he could. His medication took some effect and he dozed off just to be woken a bit later. He didn't know how much time that had passed, the room swam in darkness. "Harvey?" he called out. Where was he? It felt like he was going to be sick again and he couldn't see a thing. He was incredible warm, and he felt a bit confused. He thought that he was making some kind of a sound but he was sure. It was so dark. But then Harvey was there, he could see him again. He felt so bad. Where had Harvey even been? Why wasn't he staying there?
"It's okay Mike. I was just in my bedroom." Had he been talking out loud? He vaguely thought that probably had been embarrassing. All of this was kind of embarrassing. But he didn't care because he got sick again.
"It's okay. It's okay." Harvey mumbled next to him. "You have a pretty high fever Mike." He probably had. Harvey was probably right. He usually was.
– SUITS –
Mike was really out of it.
He had fallen asleep about an hour ago which Harvey had been really thankful for. The kid had been tossing and turning on the couch, clutching at his chest. Eventually he had managed to keep the pills down and had settled down and to Harvey's surprise actually fallen asleep.
Harvey had decided to take the opportunity to get some sleep himself. He fell down on his bed on top of the covers. He would go and check on Mike in a while. He had woken by Mike calling out for him with a hoarse voice. He had turned on the lights and found the kid laying without the covers on the couch, trying to get up. He was asking where Harvey had been. His face was pale and perspiration shined at his forehead. He was gagging a bit and Harvey hurried over with the bucket. He was just on time.
Mike wouldn't drink anything and turned his head away when Harvey held out a glass for him. He was panting a bit and wriggling around where he lay.
They repeated this process two more times. Mike would fall asleep, just to wake up a short while later, thus waking up Harvey too. He didn't seem to be improving which according to Harvey was cause of concern. He didn't like the fact that he couldn't do anything about it.
"What's happening?" Mike slurred the second time Harvey appeared next to him. "Where am I? It's really dark." he said.
"Yeah. It's night time." Harvey said stupidly. It was like he was talking to a little kid, not a grown man. That was something he was not used to. "You are on my couch."
"No, it is too dark. Turn on the lights Harvey."
"But you are supposed to sleep now Mike." Harvey said patiently.
"But it's too dark. I can't see anything." He repeated, his voice was shaking a bit.
"Fine." Harvey sighed and turned the light back on again. "You are not supposed to see anything, you are supposed to sleep." He muttered, knowing Mike was not really listening. Mike looked relieved at the light but didn't meet Harvey's eyes. He looked around the room for a while with glassy eyes.
"Harvey, where is my grandmother?" he suddenly asked.
Harvey looked at him for a minute. Was he serious? He wouldn't joke about that right? Harvey looked at his pale face, the only color in it was his flushed cheeks. He was running a fever. Was he delirious?
"Mike… What are you talking about?" he asked to stall a bit a figure out if which state of mind the kid was in.
"Where is she?" He whispered and tried to look past Harvey. If it hadn't been for his question Harvey would had thought that he was a bit more lucid than before. "She is supposed to be here." He added.
"Mike…Your grandmother isn't here." Poor kid.
Mike looked up at him for a long time and Harvey could see the recognition returning to his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, right. I know." He mumbled. "I just thought… She was just… I was just thinking about her." He finished lamely and wiped his forehead. He chuckled a bit. "My god… For a moment I really thought that she was here."
"It's okay Mike." was all he could think of replying.
"How is that okay?" Mike asked and sounded angry now. "That's not okay. I was so relieved that she was here, if she was here everything would be okay…" He stopped himself, and tears welled in his eyes. "Shit!" He angrily wiped them away.
"It's not your fault." He tried to reassure the kid. But Mike abruptly turned around and turned his back towards him. Harvey just rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. He should probably just stay here for the rest of the night. Then he didn't have to make the trouble of walking the distance between his bedroom and Mike on the couch. That was what he told himself at least.
But he was also worried. Of course he was. He couldn't deny that, even when it was to just himself. What if this was some of the side effects that they were supposed to look out for? He had debated for a while if he should call the hospital or not, when Mike had complained about his chest pains, but for now he hadn't mentioned it for a while. Which he guessed was a good thing. Of course Mike would have a harder time sleeping if he was in pain.
The kid seemed to be wanting him there. It was kind of endearing. It showed that Mike really trusted him. He stared at Mikes back. He was shaking a bit, and Harvey wasn't sure if the kid was crying or not. Neither of them said anything for a while.
"Sorry." Mike whispered suddenly. "I wasn't thinking clearly. I was dreaming."
"Yeah. It happens. Don't worry about it." Harvey answered him calmly.
"I think I want to go back to sleep now."
"Sounds like a good idea, Mike."
They were both asleep not ten minutes later. Mike managed to sleep mostly undisturbed during the rest of the night. He woke up once and gagged a bit and woke Harvey, but noting came out and the kid was asleep in the matter of seconds after. Harvey however had a harder time falling back to sleep. He couldn't really relax enough. He slept badly and kept waking up now and again. His living room chair was not made for sleeping in for one. Hopefully he wouldn't have to do it again any time soon.