Chapter 10.

Mike knew that this conversation would be hard. Maybe even harder than telling Harvey. With Harvey he hadn't know how the other man would react, but he had a feeling he knew how Donna would react. She would be compassionate and genuinely nice to him, and that was what scared him. He was going to break down. He knew he would. He had become so emotional lately, and was often close to tears, no matter how much he wished that he wouldn't get effected by some things. But this had to be done. He had to have this conversation with her. She deserved to know. He didn't know if he could consider her a friend, he guessed he could. What else was she? They were close for sure, but were they friends?

"Mike? Are you doing okay?" Donna's soft question interrupted his thoughts and he realized that they were seated next to each other on Harvey's couch. Harvey himself was nowhere to be seen. He was aware of that he was just sitting there staring down at the floor while she was waiting for him to start. But how?

He looked into her eyes. She was smiling a little, waiting.

"I…I'm not doing well." He said lamely.

"Yeah Mike, I figured that much after yesterday."

When he didn't continue she added "You want to tell me what's going on with you now?"

He nodded, feeling tears building up already.

"It's…It's my heart Donna." He paused a bit to draw a few breaths. "I have cancer." He whispered, not looking at her. She gasped.

"You have cancer?"

"Yeah…" He slowly looked up and met her eyes. She looked more shocked than he ever had seen her. One of her hands was covering her mouth. She then slowly reached out a hand towards him and put it at his arm.

"Oh Mike…" she whispered. He couldn't look at her anymore so he settled for looking at her hand on his arm. "Sweetie…"

He wanted to leave! He didn't want her to be nice to him. He couldn't take that. Not now. He also couldn't stop moving his leg nervously. But he couldn't leave, he knew that. He felt Donna carefully put her other hand on his cheek and turn his head towards her.

"Mike…"She still whispered so quiet that he almost couldn't hear her. "I'm so sorry sweetie."

Mike breathed deeply, and nodded. He bit his lip to stop himself from crying, but felt that the tears would fall like the next time he blinked. When had he started to tremble?

"It's heart cancer. I have cancer in my heart Donna." He told her. He finally looked into her eyes, and almost flinched when he saw tears in her eyes.

"Come here." She mumbled and put her arms around his shoulders the best she could and drew him towards her. That's when he let his tears fall, and he just let her maneuver him so that he could lean into her. He didn't know when she had managed to push her hair away, so he wouldn't get it in his face. At first he didn't return her embrace, just leaned towards her with his head against her shoulder, trying with all he had to not break apart. But she didn't make it easy for him.

"I'm so sorry Mike, I'm so sorry. Oh honey…" she whispered in his ear. "I'm here, I'm here Mike. It's okay." He started crying then, it was too big of an effort to hold it back. At least he managed to do it silently. It felt kind of good to let it out, and for a moment he wished he could just stay like this. It felt safe.

So he brought his arms up and hugged her back. He let himself just sink into her arms. He was aware of that he was making her dress wet from his tears but he didn't care. He thought she wouldn't either. This woman was amazing. She just let him cry on her shoulder, she made no attempts of quieting him down. He suspected for a while that she was crying too. It made him feel even worse. He was making her cry. She continued to talk softly to him the whole time, telling him that he didn't have to worry, that she knew now, and that everything would be okay. He wanted so desperately to believe her.

"Mike, how long have you known about this?" She asked him when he had calmed down enough for him to sit up a bit straighter. A few minutes later they were leaning back on the couch, Donna had her arm around him, and he was slouched down to be able to fit better next to her. He was leaning his head next to hers. He felt exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He didn't really know why he would get so upset from telling her about it.

"Mike?" Donna demanded.

"About three weeks now, more or less…"

"That long!" she gasped. "I have no idea how you could keep this from me for three weeks!."

"Sorry, I wanted to tell you Donna, I swear. I just… I just couldn't. I even didn't tell Harvey right away." He rambled, not wanting her to be upset with him.

"Stop Mike. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I…I should have known that something wasn't right with you. I'm sorry too."

"Don't be." He mumbled. He didn't know what else to say now. He just decided to leave it up to her, which she didn't seem to mind.

"I knew that something was wrong Mike, especially after yesterday, the way you collapsed…" She hugged him tighter to her. "I never expected it to be this bad Mike. What are they saying?"

"It's not so good."

She laughed a little at that.

"Of course not. But they are treating you?"

"Yeah."

She continued to ask him about treatment, medication, and side effects, how he was feeling and a bunch of other questions, which he dutifully answered as honestly as he could.

"Are you in pain?"

"Yeah… sometimes."

"Are you in pain now?" she asked worriedly.

"No, not now Donna. You don't have to worry. It's not that bad you know. That's why I didn't tell you before, I didn't want you to worry. I'm managing on my own."

That last part was not exactly true lately. He wished it was though, somehow. Donna straightened up a bit on the couch. He could felt her body tense up next to him. He wondered why, when she suddenly cursed worse than he ever heard her do. He leaned away from her, suddenly afraid that she was mad at him for some reason, it really sounded like she was.

"What?" He said.

"What the hell are you talking about, it is not so bad?! Mike, we are talking cancer here!"

"I know…"

"Then I don't understand how you can say that, and to tell me not to worry? Of course I will worry."

"Donna…"

"Don't interrupt me Mike. You don't get to down play this! It's cancer. I deserve to know, I am your friend, and you do this. You didn't tell me, because you didn't want me to worry, you didn't tell me, because you think that I wouldn't worry enough, you were afraid how I was going to react. The same with Harvey. Isn't that right?"

Mike just stared at her. He started to shake his head, but she wasn't finished. "You don't trust us to have your back Mike. That is hurtful, after all we have been through with you. For you."

Mike felt tears start to reappear again. What was she saying? Was she right? Of course she was! He felt guilt running through him and settle in his chest. He never thought that she would think that he didn't tell her because he didn't trust her. Was that was Harvey was thinking as well? That Mike didn't trust him? Oh god, what was he going to do now? What was Donna going to do?

"Donna, I'm sorry." He started in a desperate move to calm her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that at all. I trust you! I do. I'm sorry."

She had removed her arm from behind him. He felt as if he had a hole in the middle of his chest that was growing the longer she was quiet. But then she brought up her hands to her mouth and covered it. Her eyes shining.

"Oh Mike." She whispered. They looked at each other.

"Please don't be mad at me." Mike whispered. He didn't think that he would be able to handle it if she was. But as he looked into her eyes he didn't see anger there.

Her hands found both of his. "I'm not mad at you Mike. I didn't mean to blame you for anything. I know how hard this must be for you. I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry if I made you feel worse just now. I didn't think." She paused for a moment. "You don't deserve this Mike."

Mike looked away, and stared down at their intertwined hands. He slowly removed his hands from hers.

"But what if I do?" he quietly asked her. "What if I do deserve it? All I have done? I have not exactly made that many good decisions…"

"Mike what are you talking about? Of course you don't deserve this!" She tried to reach out to him again, but he didn't let her.

He looked up at her again. "But I'm a fraud." He whispered.

He hadn't thought that he would ever say it out loud. He had had the thought a million times probably by now. That just what if he just got what he deserved now. He had been thinking it. Because it was true. Wasn't it? He had made a bunch of bad decisions, one after another. He had let people down, people that cared for him. Like his grandmother. Probably his parents too. He didn't think that they would approve of many of the choices he had made for himself. He was a fraud after all. He was breaking the law every day. The law that he claimed that he loved. Maybe this was the way that he got punished for it. That though had crossed his mind many times in the last few weeks. He just didn't think that he would end up admitting it to Donna. As he looked into her eyes he could see the emotion play in them before she drew a deep breath to answer him. She looked so sad. She looked like she wanted to reach out to him again, but she didn't.

"Mike…You are a good person. You are the kindest most caring person in this whole building, and sweetie, I need you to trust me when I'm telling you that you don't deserve this. Fraud or not."

He looked in her eyes and wanted to believe her so badly it hurt. He felt himself starting to shake.

"Do you understand Mike?" She whispered and finally put her hand on his arm and stroke it. He didn't know what to say anymore. "Mike!" He flinched and tensed. She immediately noticed and moved a bit closer to him.

"I need you to say that you understand what I'm telling you. You don't deserve this at all."

He nodded towards her. He couldn't do anything else. His heart was aching.

"It's going to be fine Mike. You know why?"

He shook his head.

"Because I'm going to make sure of it. I'm going to help you, as will Harvey. We will get you through this. It is going to be fine." She soothed him. Tears were trailing down his cheeks again and she put her arms around him and pulled him close. He found himself crying against her again. She continued to reassure him and comfort him. Her voice broke after a while, and he understood that she was crying as well from the way she talked. It made him cry harder. He didn't even bother trying to quiet down. She was crying for him! She really cared for him, and he was hurting her so much. He cried because he couldn't think of anything to do or say that would make anything better. But he figured that if this amazing, beautiful woman was saying that things would be okay, then maybe, just maybe he could let himself believe her just for a moment.

He managed to compose himself in just a couple of minutes. They were just sitting there together on Harvey's couch. Donna had her arms around him, like he was a little boy. He felt safe with her. It kind of felt like time stood still, and for a moment he didn't have to think or react. He could just sit there next to her. But the moment soon passed and reality floated slowly back. This time it was in the shape of Harvey.

He had quietly entered his office and stood in front of them looking pretty uncomfortable. Mike tried to escape from Donnas embrace, and she let him, but not before a whispered "Are you okay?" and he nodded to her and whispered a "Thank you" back. They untangled and Mike wiped his face and Donna flattened out her dress.

"You two good?" Harvey asked. "Or do you need me to go and bother Louis again?"

Mike looked over at Donna, she gave him a smile. "We are good." He said. After that he didn't know what to do. Harvey was just standing there and giving Donna some weird look, and Donna was still holding on to his arm, as to stop him from leaving.

"So now you know." Harvey said to Donna.

"I do."

It got quiet after that. Mike looked down on the floor. It felt like he could fall asleep in seconds. He also had a headache, probably from all the crying.

Donna stop up from the couch and turned to Mike.

"You should rest sweetie." She said. "You look exhausted."

"Yeah…" He agreed. "I kind of am. Is it okay?" he asked Harvey, who just nodded. He still had his focus on Donna. She moved aside as Mike all but collapsed back down on the couch. She caught his eyes and kindly told him that they would be outside if he needed them. He tiredly watched as Donna took Harvey by the arm and led him out of the office. Mike was asleep in less than a minute after the door carefully closed.

– SUITS –

Harvey followed Donna outside his office. She stopped by her desk seemingly unsure of what to do next. She looked around and then back towards Mike, who looked like he was already asleep. He then understood that she was reluctant to leave him after telling him they would be outside.

"He is sleeping. It's okay." He steered her towards an empty conference room. The closest one. He noticed that she kept looking back towards his office. He held the door opened for her and she stopped in the middle of the room, facing him.

"Harvey! Oh my god!" She exclaimed. "What are we going to do? Mike has heart cancer?"

Harvey sighed and confirmed. "Yes he does."

"Heart cancer." She stated and he saw that her eyes began to water. He had seen her cry before, but this was different. This was real.

"I know."

"What do we do? I told him that everything is going to be okay. What are we going to do Harvey?"

"Calm down Donna. It is, it is going to be okay."

She stopped her nervous pacing and looked at him. "How?"

Harvey was slightly taken aback by her intense glare. "I…I don't know." He was forced to answer. Because no matter what he told Mike that it would be fine, he didn't know how it would be. He looked back at her until she broke eye contact. She went over to the window and stood there with her back against him. He knew that she was upset. Of course she was. He decided to just wait her out.

"Do you think he will survive this?" her question was whispered, but he still heard every word and every tone her voice took. He tightly clenched his jaw. He did not want to answer this question. He didn't want to think about this question at all. But if he was honest with himself he thought it himself every day. It was just like Donna to ask it.

He let out a sigh and sat down heavily on a stool. "I honestly don't know Donna. I hope so."

"He is scared. I have never seen him like this. He was crying." She sounded shocked.

"Yeah, he has been doing that."

"He said something about thinking that maybe he deserved it."

"What!?" Harvey straightened in the chair. He almost wanted to run back to his office and wake up the kid to yell at him. Could he really mean that?

"I think I convinced him otherwise. Just leave it alone Harvey."

"I can't believe him…" Harvey muttered. "Who believes he deserves cancer?"

"Oh god…Mike…" Donna wasn't listening to him. She had sunken down in a chair next to him. She looked heartbroken.

"We will get him through this, Donna. We will make sure he gets the best damn treatment there is. He will make it." He calmly told her.

"But it is heart cancer." She weakly argued. She looked lost in thought.

"I know."

"Have you spoken to his doctors?"

"Yeah I have. They are somewhat optimistic. Says it's not a death sentence. At least so far. But on the other hand Mike has been there every time. I don't think they are going to tell him something else than that."

Donna nodded. They were both quiet for some time after that. Both of them deep in thought.

"I want to help!" When she turned to face him her expression had changed. She suddenly looked composed and determined, and Harvey didn't know how she did that.

"You have no idea of how much I would appreciate that." Harvey sighed.

"Yes I do." Donna smiled. "How you got by this long is a mystery to me."

"The kid didn't want me to tell you Donna."

"I know. He wasn't ready. I understand." She looked at him. "How are you doing Harvey?" She asked quietly.

"Me? I'm fine. I'm not the one with cancer here."

"I know that, but Mike is."

He considered to just brush her off and continue to claim that he was fine. But then decided against it. He shook his head a bit before he answered. "I just want him to be okay Donna."

"So do I Harvey. We will help him through this like you said. You have already been helping him a lot. He has been staying with you hasn't he?"

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

She just raised her eyebrows a bit. "How has it been?"

"He has been staying with me after his chemo treatments. He gets really bad after them. He's been in a lot of pain as well, now and then. It's…unsettling to watch."

"Oh…"

"He is hanging in there. Handling it the best he can."

"Does anyone else know? Does Jessica know?"

"No, no one else knows yet. But I guess we have to tell them soon. Mike is not going to like that. He is weird about it."

"It's hard to talk about. But I bet that the whole office knows about him collapsing yesterday already."

"Probably. But it's not their business." Donna just nodded.

"When is his next appointment? I need to go with him. I would like to talk to his doctors and nurses as well."

"The nurses?"

"They know more than you think."

"It's tomorrow. Follow up from yesterday and more treatment."

"Good, I'll go with him."

"Alright." He hesitated a bit as she stood up and made her way towards the door. "Thank you Donna." He said. She just gave him a sad smile. "Let's get back to him."

Harvey followed behind her on their way back to his office, and to Mike. He felt relieved that Donna knew, and that she was already planning on going with the kid to the hospital. Things would be better from now on. Hopefully.

– SUITS –

Things were not so great when Mike woke up again. He still felt dead tired, and didn't really know why he had woken up. He found himself outstretched on Harvey's couch. His headache had worsened, he had a sore neck and his eyes felt dry. He looked around in the office and saw that it was empty. Neither Harvey nor Donna was in sight. He lifted his head to be able to see Donna's desk. They weren't there either.

He sank down again and closed his eyes. Disappointment washed over him. She had told him that they would be right outside if he needed them. So much for that. Not that he needed them right now for anything special, but still, she had told him that they would be there. Maybe he could just go back to sleep again. He tried unsuccessfully for a while.

Donna knew about the cancer now. It actually felt really good that she knew. Sure he had really embarrassed himself again, crying not once but twice on her. But she had comforted him, her words and embrace had really helped to fill the enormous hole that nowadays kept residence in his chest.

He didn't know how long he had been laying there, it was probably just minutes, but he really wanted to go and look for Harvey and Donna now. He had only managed to sit up when he heard the door open and they were back.

"Mike! What are you doing? I thought that you were going to sleep?" Donna asked him.

"I was just going to go and see where you were." He hadn't meant to say it, it just slipped out.

At once she looked upset and guilty. "I'm so sorry Mike. We were just in the conference room."

"We were gone for like ten minutes." Harvey added. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I was."

"Do it again."

"I was just going to…"

"Now."

"Fine." He laid back and observed Donna, while she sat down next to him and carefully straightened out his jacket. He smiled at her when she met his gaze. She smiled sadly back and stroke his cheek. He was asleep within minutes.

The next time he woke up Harvey thought it acceptable that he got up. It turned out that Harvey was ready to head home for the day so they did just that. Donna hugged him when they left and told him that she was accompanying him to the hospital the next day, which he thanked her for.

Harvey took him back to his place to grab some clothes and medication, before they headed back to Harvey's condo. Neither of them said anything about that arrangement. They had dinner and didn't talk that much at first. Harvey seemed like his mind were somewhere else, and Mike didn't know what to say to him. He had made a weak attempt at a movie quote, but it turned out that Harvey hadn't seen it.

"How do you feel now?" Harvey asked out of the blue as he started to gather their plates after the meal. Mike was slightly taken aback from the question, not really expecting it at this moment.

"Eh…fine?"

"I mean with Donna knowing."

"Oh…"

"Yeah. So?"

"It's good Harvey. I'm actually glad she knows. She is great."

"Did you expect anything else?"

Mike smiled and shook his head.

"She will go with you tomorrow, to the hospital. She wants to meet your doctors and nurses."

"My nurses?"

"Don't ask."

Mike smirked and announced that he was going to bed. Or to the couch. Harvey stopped him though.

"It's going to be fine Mike." He said and looked him straight into the eyes. He looked convinced enough for Mike to feel an unexpected surge of hope. He just nodded and headed to the bathroom before Harvey could say something else. When he came back out Harvey had put a sheet and cover on the couch and was in the kitchen putting things in the dishwasher.

Mike quietly crawled down under the covers. He felt exhausted. He fell asleep to the sound of Harvey cleaning up in the kitchen.

– SUITS –