Chapter 12.
Back at the office Mike felt better than he had felt in ages. Sure he felt a bit drugged up still, but that was expected. Right? He told Harvey that he was okay to work now, so he was given a bunch of files. Not the once that was for Louis though. He didn't see them anywhere and neither Harvey nor Donna had said something when he asked. He sensed that it was best that he just let it go. Apparently Harvey had taken care of it, because Louis didn't bother them anymore that day.
He went back to his own apartment that night, after a pretty long day at the office. He had been prepared to stay longer, but Harvey forced him to go home. It turned out it was a good thing, because his energy drained as soon as he stepped into his apartment. He slept well that night for a change.
The nights were always the worst for Mike. He dreaded them. During the day he mostly felt okay, the bad thoughts as he had called them in his mind, didn't come during the day. For most of the time at least. He had bad days, days when he was so tired that he just wanted to stay in bed the whole day.
At night though, nightmares waited for him when he fell asleep. He had asked his doctor about them and had been told it was common as side effects of some of the medication he took. Some nights after he woke up in panic, sweating and shaking, he kind of wanted to take them all and flush them down the toilet.
The bad thoughts would invade his mind in time with the sunlight. When he knew that time was creeping nearer of going to bed they would come. He knew that the thoughts only would get darker after that. He felt so scared and lonely, that it would drive him to the point of tears.
The nights that he had gotten to spend at Harvey's place had been marginally better. He had been staying up pretty late most nights and had been tired, and it sometimes it helped. But even there, when he knew that the other man was in the next room he felt scared and lonely. He had cried a few times there too, although he did it as quietly as he could. It would have been so embarrassing if Harvey found out. He tried to keep it together as much as he could when other people was around. But he always felt different now a days, since he had started the treatment. He knew that it was connected. There had been talks about side effects, and he was suffering from them he was sure of it. A lot probably. The weird feelings in his chest, not the physical pain, but the emotional. It was always worse after chemo. He always felt so bad after every time, and it was hard to not let it show. He wanted to just let all the feelings out sometimes, and he just wanted Harvey or Donna to be there with him then. He kind of wanted them to just sit there next to him the whole time, but he didn't feel like he could ask that of them. Most of the time he did have company though. Donna would sometimes sit next to him and hold his hand, and he was so incredible grateful for that. It was just what he wanted, the actual physical feeling of her being there, supporting him. That's exactly as what he wanted. He didn't want to let go of her hand, and when she let go to go to the kitchen to get him some water or she disappeared off to somewhere else, where he didn't know, that was the time that he just wanted to scream until she came back. He didn't do that of course, but that was what he wanted. That feeling, it wasn't normal. He would never had had it before. But now he did, and it was nothing he could do about it.
Mike had a doctor's appointment two days later. Or he had one in between where he had been told that he would have to undergo his one of his first operation where he would have to be sedated. They would get him something called a port-a-cath, which was an IV catheter that they would place underneath his skin on his chest. It was supposed to help and make it easier with the chemo, blood draws and other kind of things like that, they had told him. He had become a bit sensitive towards all the needles they stuck in him and had big bruises on his arms from them. So this whole thing was probably a good idea. But the thought of the operation worried him a lot. He didn't look forward to it at all, and also felt a bit scared. Not that he would tell anyone that. On the other hand, Harvey had told him to come to him with anything that bothered him, so he decided to ask him if he could accompany him.
He was a bit hesitant as he stepped in the older man's office. Harvey was working on something and looked like he was deep in thought. He kind of whished that he didn't had to bother him. It was like all he did now. Bothering both Harvey and Donna. Harvey had a pretty big case now, and Mike felt bad that he couldn't help him out more than he did. He tried to think that he was doing his best, but here he was about to ask Harvey for yet another favor.
"Did you want something?"
He flinched a bit when Harvey asked, and he knew that Harvey noticed, because he looked kind of concerned.
"Eh…" He started.
"Yes…?"
"I was just wondering a thing."
"What were you wondering Mike?"
"I have this thing tomorrow at three, and I was just wondering if you maybe could come with me?"
"To the hospital?"
"Yes." Harvey looked at him closely. He squirmed a bit.
"Why?"
"I just have this thing, and I'm a bit nervous about it, and I would appreciate it if you were there." He said quickly.
"At three? Sure. That works. I'll be there. Was it something else?"
"Eh no. Thank you." He left. That was easy. He felt so relieved.
– SUITS –
Harvey couldn't stop himself from smiling a bit when the door closed behind Mike. The kid had looked to happy when he agreed to come with him to the hospital. He hadn't told him why though, but it really didn't matter, he would do it regardless. Mike hadn't really asked him for much and it kind of concerned him. He had told Mike to come to him if it was something, and so far he hadn't really done that.
"Harvey?"
It was Donna.
"You have a meeting, tomorrow at two. Do you want me to postpone it?"
"Oh shit! I totally forgot about that." He sighed. "How many times have you postponed it so far?"
"Three times. They were a bit upset the last time."
"Yeah, right. I will just have to make it quick then."
"Are you sure you are going to make it to the hospital on time? Mike would be…"
"Yeah, I'll make it Donna."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"About the meeting? No, I'll make it in time, so I'm not going to worry him for nothing."
"You better make it."
"I will."
"He came to you and asked you to come with him and he was clearly worried. If you missed it he would be devastated."
"I won't miss it, and what do you mean devastated? He is not going to be devastated. He would understand."
"Harvey."
"I'll be there with him Donna. Don't worry."
Harvey really had intended to keep his promise to both Mike and Donna, but sometimes things didn't go as planned. The day for Mike's appointment and Harvey's meeting had started good. He managed to move forward on the case and was pretty proud of himself. Mike had stopped by his office and reminded him and given him the location on where to meet him later. Mike would go in earlier to get prepared. He was not allowed to eat anything, so he and Donna had skipped lunch. Since Mike couldn't really do as much work as he usually did, both Harvey and Donna was more busy than usual. Harvey left early for his meeting, which he hadn't told Mike about. He had considered it, but decided against it. Mike seemed to be worried enough. He still hadn't asked about what he was getting done, and Mike hadn't told him. He should have asked probably.
The meeting didn't get off to a good start. The client was late, and when he arrived he was very upset, since he had been approached by someone that had connections with the opposing side. The whole thing was shady, and Harvey got annoyed and the client pissed. When Harvey later glanced at his phone he saw that he had five missed calls from Mike and that he was almost forty minutes late to the hospital. He froze on the spot, his back turned against the client. What had he done?
– SUITS –
Mike was hungry. He was sitting on a bench waiting for Harvey to get there. He had taken some test and was ready to be operated. They had wanted him to wait in a bed, but as soon as they left him alone he snuck out into the hallway, so that he would be able to see him when he came. He wasn't sure if Harvey knew exactly where he would be.
But Harvey didn't show up. He called him a few times, but they he had to go and change into a gown and lay down. They prepared him, and he called Harvey again. Where was he? He was starting to get worried. What if he wouldn't show up? He didn't want to do this alone. He didn't want to go in there without some kind of support from someone else then a nurse. He just wanted someone to be there for him. Harvey had told him that he would be there for him, with him. He wanted that.
It ended up with Mike begging them to just wait two more minutes for Harvey to come. He had said he would come! Harvey always kept his word, but where was he then? They had let him use his phone again to call him, but he still wasn't picking up. He called Donna once too, but all he got was a busy signal. The two nurses kept looking at him with pity all while they glanced at the watch on the wall when they thought Mike didn't notice.
"We really have to get going now Mike" one of them said.
"Please, just wait a little while longer, I'm sure he is on his way." He begged them.
They looked at each other, the blond nurse nodded to the other one. When she turned to him he understood that they had silently argued who of them that was going to tell him no.
"I'm really sorry Mike, I know that you want him here with you, and that you wanted to see him before, but we can't wait for him any longer. The OR is booked immediately after your procedure." She smiled sadly down at him.
Mike just shook his head. "He said he would be here." He whispered as he felt tears gather in his eyes. He felt so disappointed.
"I'm so sorry Mike. I'm sure he will be here when you are finished. Maybe it was a hold up in traffic or something." And with that she started to wheel him into the operating room. They prepped him while he was just lying there and letting them do it. He felt embarrassed about the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. The staff worked around him in a blur. They would look at him with sad eyes as they offered comforting words. Someone made an attempt of drying the tears from his cheeks but new ones just kept appearing. A nurse offered him her hand to hold on to, but he removed his hand from hers. He just stared up into the ceiling and tried to avoid meeting someone's eyes.
Harvey hadn't come, it was all he could think about. It was his first procedure and Harvey had told him that he would be there, that they were in this together, as a team. So much for that. He guessed that Harvey would have a good reason. Emergency client meeting or something. But he had promised! He was just so scared and he had told Harvey that. Not that he was scared, he hadn't mentioned that. He had said nervous. But the truth was that he was scared.
"Mike, we are ready to sedate you now." Someone said to the right of him. Probably his doctor. Someone else next to him was holding a mask up ready to put on him. He felt panic rushing through him and he started to shake his head as he held up his hands against the mask.
"No, please." He said. "Please don't. Just wait a little longer."
The doctor sighed and made a sign and the mask was removed out of his sight.
"I know this is hard for you Mike. But it is necessary that we do this now, you know that."
"But why can't we wait just for a little while? He said that he would be here." He knew that he was repeating himself and he knew that they all were looking at him with pity in their eyes, but he just couldn't help it.
"No, Mike. I'm sorry. We have to do this now. Are you ready?"
He gave up then. Harvey wasn't coming. And he was wasting everyone's time right now. He should just get it over with. He let the tears well over his eyelashes and down his cheek. He didn't have the energy to care. A nurse gently wiped them off and the mask was put over his mouth and nose. The nurse was stroking his forehead like he was a little child, and he felt himself getting more and more drowsy. It wasn't long until he was out.
– SUITS –
"I have to go. Something came up." Harvey announced and marched for the door of the conference room at his client's office.
"What? We are not finished here." The client was outraged.
"Yes we are."
Harvey left before the other man could say anything else. He was probably going to pay for that later. But he was so late. He dialed Mike's number, but there was no answer. He dialed again with the same result.
The ride to the hospital was probably going to take at least thirty minutes and that was if traffic was light. This was bad. He had a strong feeling that Donna was going to be right, he didn't think that Mike would be understanding. He had let the kid down. Twice he had told him that he would be there with him. And he had told Mike that they were going to do this together, and the first time Mike asked him for something, he blew it. This was probably not going to be easy for any of them. He felt guilty, which was not something he did often.
When he arrived he went to the correct floor and was a bit shocked when asked for Mike, to be told that he was in a recovery room. He got worried, and cursed himself for not asking more details from Mike.
He had to wait for a while longer before someone came to talk to him. He was told that Mike's operation went fine, and that he could see Mike in a few minutes.
He was lead to Mike's room and left alone by the door. He didn't hesitate and just stepped inside. He quietly closed the door behind him, they had told him that Mike was asleep, so he didn't want to wake him. He needed some time to think about how to handle things now. But he wasn't that lucky. When he looked over to the bed where Mike was laying, he saw that he was awake. He didn't seem aware of that Harvey was there. He had his gaze fixed on the wall next to his bed. He had tears in his eyes and Harvey felt the guilt stab his chest.
– SUITS –
When Mike woke up he didn't know where he was at first, but then it dawn on him. He was at the hospital. He didn't recognize the room, and realized that he was in another room then before. The recovery room, as they had told him before. He felt both tired and a bit dizzy. His chest felt sore and he looked down and tried to see why. There was not so much to see, it was covered by bandages.
He then looked around. He was alone in the room. No one was there. He could see outside through the glass wall of the room, but he didn't see anyone. Apparently Harvey hadn't bothered to show up. He wanted to cry. He didn't understand why Harvey wasn't there.
A nurse came by a moment later, his doctor too. It was explained to him how the procedure went, and what was going to happen next. They wanted to keep him another night for observation. He didn't say much. Apparently he was fine, and just needed to get some rest. He asked the nurse if she had seen Harvey. She smiled sadly at him and told him that she hadn't. He was left alone after that. He wished he wasn't. He just felt so lonely.
He was tired but couldn't sleep so he just ended up laying there staring at nothing. He wished he could go home.
He didn't know for how long he had been laying there, it felt like hours. Then Harvey was there. He heard the door open and he just knew that it was him. But he didn't react. He didn't know what to do now when he finally was there. He wanted to be angry and yell for betraying him like this. Because that was what it felt like when he thought about it. But he didn't have the energy, so he just lay there.
"Mike?" Harvey said quietly. He didn't answer.
"Hi kid." Harvey continued, and Mike heard how he stepped closer. "How are you?"
He still didn't react, he just wiped his face, and he didn't know when he had started to cry. Harvey had already seen it too, he must think that he was pathetic. Maybe he was.
"I'm sorry Mike." Harvey whispered then, and he had to react. He turned to look at him, Harvey looked sad and stressed.
"Where were you?" He asked. That was the only thing he wanted to know.
"I am sorry Mike. I was at a meeting and I missed the time."
"I called you a bunch of times, but you didn't pick up. You said you'd come!" He couldn't look at Harvey anymore.
"I know." Was all that Harvey said.
"Why didn't you?" he whispered. He was aware of that he sounded like a little kid, but he didn't care.
"I screwed up Mike. I promised you something and I couldn't keep that promise. I'm sorry for that."
He hesitated. Mike didn't know what to say. He couldn't forgive him just like that. He had been so scared and Harvey hadn't been there, not even when he woke up. So he didn't say anything.
"Look, I get that you are pissed at me Mike, and you have the right to be. This won't happen again." Harvey promised. He pulled up a chair and sat down.
"How are you doing? Are you okay?"
"Yeah…"
"I didn't realize that you were going to have a surgery. I should have asked you about it. "
"Okay." Harvey continued when he didn't answer. "They didn't tell me what kind of procedure you had. You want to tell me?"
No, he didn't. So he lifted a hand and removed his gown a bit so that Harvey could see the bandage better. Harvey leaned forward and took a closer look.
"That doesn't really tell me anything, kid." Mike shrugged his shoulders a bit.
"Yeah okay. I guess I deserve that." Harvey mumbled.
"Are they keeping you over night?"
He nodded.
Harvey got quiet after that. He probably didn't know what to say. Mike didn't look his way. He stared at the wall on the other side of the bed. Harvey sighed.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asked and stood up.
Mike looked at him then, he felt his eyes tearing up instantly and hated it.
"No." His voice broke. He bit his lips hard. He had to look away again when Harvey stepped closer.
"Hey… okay, okay. I'll stay. Mike." Harvey tried to catch his eyes. He nodded and sat down again. "I'll just sit here then." He said.
He didn't cry, which was good. Harvey was just sitting there silently now. It was kind of awkward, but he was so tired now so he didn't have the energy to care. He just couldn't relax. He was aware of that he was breathing pretty hard. Nothing was hurting at least, maybe his lip a bit, he had bitten it pretty hard. He didn't let himself close his eyes.
"You can sleep if you want. I'm not going anywhere." Harvey said. He must have sensed what he was doing.
"Really?"
They locked eyes. "Yes." Harvey said, and Mike knew he meant it. Maybe he would just sleep then. When he woke up again, he would know if Harvey was serious or not. If he wasn't he would deal with it then.
– SUITS –
Harvey sat as frozen on the uncomfortable chair next to the bed as Mike slept. The kid looked ill.
This was not how it was supposed to be. Mike had only looked him in the eyes once since he stepped into the room. Not that he could blame him. He really let Mike down, and Mike was not okay. Harvey felt so bad right now, and it was only a tiny bit better now than when Mike had asked him where he had been. He had done his best to apologize, but it didn't seem like it was enough. Mike was distant and quiet. He had to remind himself that it was understandable, the way Mike reacted. He had just had an operation and had expected to have Harvey's support, which he didn't get.
It was sad to see the way Mike had looked when he asked if he should leave. Harvey had thought for a moment that Mike was going to start to cry when he asked. Immediately he had said no, to Harvey's surprise. After the way Mike acted he had thought that he would be happy to get rid of him, but here they were. He was not going anywhere now. He knew that he had to show Mike now that he was serious with being there for him now. A few hours late.
Mike was woken up by a doctor a while later and Harvey was asked to step out. Mike was moved to another room, and given dinner. He didn't eat much, mostly picked in his food. He was quiet and wouldn't look at Harvey. Harvey did his best to try to engage Mike in a conversation, encouraged him to eat, and when none of it worked he just talked about work stuff. He started to tell Mike about the meeting he had had, but was stopped.
"I don't care." Mike interrupted him. "I don't want to hear about that." He said quietly, staring down in his lap. He was sitting up in the bed with a blanket covering his legs. Harvey was a bit surprised, it was the first thing Mike had said in about an hour.
"Yeah, okay." He paused. "What do you want to hear about then?"
Mike just shrugged his shoulders and looked away.
Harvey sighed a bit. He had to try again to get the kid back to normal again. He knew he had hurt him, at a time when he was most vulnerable. It was totally understandable if Mike didn't feel like talking about the meeting that was the reason that he had been left alone when he most needed company. He hadn't fully understood how much Mike had needed him to be there, until now that is. Now the kid wouldn't look at him. He had to do something.
"Mike, look at me." He demanded. Mike did. "I am sorry." He said when their eyes met. "I will do everything I can to make sure this won't happen again. I mean that, Mike."
Mike drew a deep breath. "Okay Harvey." He whispered. "Okay. I believe you." He nodded. "I just really wanted you to be there."
"I know. I should have been." He laughed a bit, and Mike looked up at him in surprise.
"Maybe I won't be here next time." He said. "You know why?" Mike shook his head looking worried.
"Because Donna is going to kill me when she finds out."
Mike smirked as well. Finally! "Yeah, she probably will." He agreed.
Things lighted up after that, and Mike seemed to feel a bit better. He started to talk more, laughed a bit, and ate some dessert. He also told Harvey about the operation, making Harvey feel guilty again when he told him about how he had held up the operation as long as he could to give Harvey time to make it there.
It was pretty late when Harvey noticed that Mike was starting to doze off. They were watching some stupid TV show at the tiny TV in the upper corner of the room. He decided it was probably time to leave, so that Mike could get some well-needed rest. He leaned over and shook Mike's shoulder a bit.
"Hey, I'm heading home Mike. You should get some rest."
"What? No! We haven't finished watching. Come on, we just saw one episode so far."
"You are falling asleep, and it's late. And also, do you even now what we are watching?"
"Yes, I do."
"No, you don't." Harvey stood up. "Listen, I'll come back tomorrow Mike." Mike just stared up at him and didn't say anything. "Get some sleep kid." He said kindly, and squeezed Mike's shoulder. Mike looked like he was going to say something, but then just closed his mouth and nodded. Harvey was almost at the door, when Mike called out to him.
"Wait!"
He stopped and looked back at the other man, who looked so small in the hospital bed.
"You'll come back?" Mike asked. "You will?"
"Yes Mike, I will. Tomorrow morning." He looked into Mike's eyes until he saw some form of acceptance from Mike. With that he left the room.
It didn't really feel right to leave Mike like that, but what else could he do? It was not like he could bring Mike with him at the moment. He still felt really guilty about not being there, like he said he would. But also, as he had promised Mike now, it wouldn't happen again. He was not going to let that happen. He never wanted to see that look on Mike's face again.
– SUITS –
Mike spent the night tossing and turning in his hospital bed. It had been hard to fall asleep after Harvey left. He was also interrupted during the night, when hospital staff came and checked up on him.
He guessed that he slept a few hours at least by the time Harvey got there. He actually came just as he had promised. Mike had been so afraid that he wouldn't. But he did! Harvey came pretty early and a nurse got annoyed with him for being there so early, but Mike managed to talk her into letting him stay. He was told later that he could leave the same day if his chest wasn't bothering him, which it wasn't. He felt pretty okay. Just really tired.
Harvey took him home, and they had lunch. After that Harvey had to leave for the office. He refused to let Mike come along. Donna came by with dinner that night, and stayed a couple of hours. He went to the office the next day.
– SUITS –