Chapter 14.
Harvey's neck was hurting when he woke up. He noticed that he had fallen asleep with his head turned to the side in a weird angle. He tried to move his head a bit to get rid of the pain and it lessened some. He looked over at the couch and saw that Mike was still out. He was sprawled out on his back with the blankets covering only half his body. Harvey sleepily got up and pulled them over his chest as well. The kid didn't react. Yesterday had been terrible. Harvey had been so worried. Much more than he cared to admit. He had wanted to just bring Mike to the hospital, but now he was kind of glad that he didn't. Mike would probably not have thanked him. Not that it was his call going or not. If he got that sick, the hospital was where he belonged. But still, Harvey was conflicted because Mike wasn't all that enthusiastic about the hospital at all, and if he could avoid being there he would be grateful Harvey was sure of it.
He also wondered how much of the previous night Mike would remember when he woke up again. By the look of him, he still had a fever, but he looked much better now and would probably be more coherent. Hopefully he wouldn't remember everything, which would be better for both of them actually. It would just become awkward. He would have to wait and see.
It was still pretty early. Harvey had only gotten about four hours of sleep. The uncomfortable sleeping position was the only reason he was up in the first place. It was a few hours left until he had to be at the office. But could he go and leave Mike alone? Mike had asked him to stay yesterday. Sure he was kind of delirious, but he had asked him to be there. He had been alone the whole day and who knew what had been going on in his head.
He knew that Mike was struggling more than he let on, but he had chosen to not call him on it. He just figured that when Mike was ready to ask for help he would. Hopefully at least, otherwise he would have to talk some sense into the kid.
For now Harvey decided to take an extra half hour of sleep in his comfortable bed. It turned out to be a good decision because he felt better rested when he woke up again. Mike was still asleep. For a moment he stood there and watched him sleep, trying to suppress the suddenly intense longing for everything to be as it was before the cancer. In that case he would have thrown a pillow on Mike's head a long time ago, and threatened him with no breakfast if he didn't get out of bed right away. As it was now, he just shook his head to himself and went to have breakfast by himself.
He carefully shook Mike awake and watch his confused expression change into an embarrassed one.
"Good morning." Harvey said.
"Eh…Hi." Mike answered blinking tiredly up at him. "What time is it?"
"8:30. I was thinking of heading to the office. How are you feeling?"
"Uh… I just woke up. I don't know."
"Well, can you figure it out, because I want to know if I can leave you here or not?"
"What? You think that I will trash your place?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about." Harvey smirked. Mike seemed better.
"So you are worried?" Mike smiled back. Harvey got serious at once.
"Mike seriously, how are you feeling? Will you be okay on your own or not?"
Mike paled a bit but nodded.
"I feel okay. I'm better than yesterday."
"Good."
They both got quite after that. But then started to talk again at the same time.
"Harvey about yesterday, I was…"
"Look Mike, last night…"
They both stopped at the same time. Harvey was the one to start again first.
"You had a pretty high fever, it was up to 103. How much do you remember?"
"Some of it I guess. It is a bit hazy. I was pretty out of it right?"
"You could say that."
"I'm sorry Harvey, I just, I don't really know what I was saying."
"Don't worry about it, it was not your fault."
"Yeah, but still. It must have been weird having to deal with me like that."
"Not weirder than normal kid."
"Ha ha."
Harvey caught Mike's eyes with his. "I didn't mind Mike."
"Thanks." Mike said quietly.
"Don't mention it. I'm heading to work. Everything is set up on the counter for you. Can you walk?"
"Yes, I can walk. Just go would you." Mike actually smiled at him, and Harvey took it as a good sign. He left shortly after making sure that Mike would call him if he had any problem.
– SUITS –
Mike had an okay day. He slept, watched TV, cooked a bit for himself and watched some more TV. He thought about trying to get some work done, and went to look in his bag only to discover it empty. He suspected that it was Harvey's doing. So he just decided to do what his boss apparently wanted, and didn't do any work. Not that he could do so much anyway.
When he finally allowed himself to relax he found it pretty nice to not have to think about work. Only, it caused him to start to think about other stuff. Stuff that he didn't want to think about. He wished he had company.
He still had a fever, but it was much better today. Tomorrow he had a doctor's appointment again. He would have to do the chemo treatment as well, and radiation. Busy day tomorrow. He wondered for how long he could keep this a secret to rest of the people at work. Harvey had mentioned that he should tell Jessica what was going on. That was probably a good idea since she could fire him if she found out how much he was skipping work lately. He wouldn't be able to go tomorrow either, because of the hospital visit.
A good thing was that he could stay at Harvey's place. It was so much nicer than his, and a lot closer to the hospital. Harvey had told him that he could stay here as much as he wanted. But he should probably head over to his own place the day after tomorrow. At least to make sure everything was in order there. Pay some bills maybe. Maybe he could also bring over more of his stuff to Harvey's place. Or maybe he should stay at his own place for a few days. He didn't want Harvey to get tired of him or anything. He probably should give Harvey a break.
– SUITS –
Harvey unlocked the door to his condo and quietly closed it behind him. He had left pretty early after doing only what he needed for the day. He stepped inside and looked around to see if Mike was up. He was, kind of. He was lying sprawled out on the couch on his stomach with his face half buried in the many pillows Harvey had added there recently after Mike had complained that the couch was too uncomfortable. He had a blanket draped over him and he had a hoodie on with the hood up over his head, indicating that he was probably cold. Harvey made a mental note to get another blanket for the couch, or a warmer one. He stepped closer and inspected the area around Mike. His meds were there on the table but he didn't see any evidence of that Mike had been eating something. A glass half full of juice was there though.
He went over to the kitchen and opened the fridge to find something to cook for both of them. Mike's doctor had been talking to him about Mike's nutrition and had suggested that they added more fruits, vegetables and whole grain to their meals. Something that Mike didn't find exciting at all. He had suggested that they could order vegetarian pizza once in a while, but Harvey had ignored him and had proceeded to take the doctor's advice seriously. The first time Harvey added broccoli and beans into a dinner dish Mike had been on him about it, but Harvey had just asked him to eat and shut up and get better. Mike had looked at him for a long time before he seemed to realize that Harvey was serious. He didn't seem that fond of the changes that Harvey was making regarding food, but so far he hadn't complained about it.
He made an omelet with some ham and tomatoes and poured them both some orange juice. He then walked over to the couch with the food and drinks and put them on the table. He put them down rather loudly in the hopes to wake up Mike. He slept on though. Harvey sighed and went up to him and shook his shoulder.
"Hey Mike, time to wake up."
Mike jerked awake, and looked confusingly up at him.
"Oh, you are home!" He exclaimed happily. "How was work?"
"Excellent. Do you want some food? I see you have been cooking today."
"What? Yeah, sure. How did you know I have been cooking?"
"You left the dishes."
"Oh. Yeah, I forgot."
"Yes, you did. Come on. Get up."
They had dinner together and then decided to watch a movie. Mike complained about Harvey's choice of a movie, and annoyed him by quoting the entire dialog a few seconds before the characters said them. They ended up having a good evening. Mike seemed to be doing a lot better and claimed that he was. He didn't think that he had a fever any longer.
"So can I stay here for tomorrow night as well?" Mike asked him when the end credits rolled.
"Sure you can. I told you that you can stay here as much as you like."
"Thank you, Harvey. I really appreciate that you know."
"You would probably get sicker if you stayed at your place. It's a mold infestation."
"I don't have mold."
"Smells like it does."
"No, it doesn't. It's just because you are used to the smell for this place."
Harvey interrupted him. "Of soap, or what?"
Mike just smiled. "Anyway. Thanks." He repeated.
"Yeah, sure kid."
"I have to go to the hospital tomorrow."
"You got another treatment?"
"Yes."
"You need company?" Harvey casually asked.
"No, I'm good."
They went to sleep after that.
– SUITS –
Mike tossed and turned on the couch. He couldn't sleep. He was not looking forward to tomorrow. It had been a few days since he had a treatment session, and he sort of had forgot how bad it felt every time. Or, he had done his best to try to forget it. But he was nervous. He had an appointment with his doctor first where they would discuss his progress so far and results of more tests.
He couldn't sleep. His thoughts were going around in circles in his head. They got darker and darker, and soon he felt like crying again. What was up with that? It just felt like he had a big hole in his chest. He felt scared and alone. He tried to convince himself that it was okay, and he wasn't alone. Harvey was in the next room. He was right? What if he had left? What if he actually was alone? He tried to listen and see if he could hear Harvey. He couldn't. He debated back and forth and then he had to go up and make sure.
He stumbled a bit and cursed his body for not reacting as he wanted it to when he stood up to fast. He had to do it slowly. It was so dark. Harvey apparently liked it when it was dark when he slept. Mike did not. At least not now. He also didn't like the big windows. He felt exposed.
He walked quietly over to Harvey's bedroom. He was there! He was laying on his side with his back against Mike. He was breathing deeply indicating that he was very much asleep. Mike stood there for a moment and wished that he would wake up. That he would somehow sense that Mike was standing there. But he didn't, and Mike went back to his bed on the couch after a minute or so.
The blankets had gone cold, and he shivered under them. He buried his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes tightly, knowing that he could never fall asleep in this position. He didn't know how long he lay there. He thought it was getting lighter outside.
He must have gotten a few hours of sleep because he woke up from Harvey scrambling around in the kitchen. He went to take a shower and joined Harvey for dinner. They talked for a while, and Harvey said that he would arrange for Ray to drive him to the hospital. He could also drive him back if Mike wanted. And he said yes to that as well. Harvey left after that, and Mike cleaned the breakfast away.
He waited an hour or so, before it was time to head over to the hospital once again. Ray was waiting for him when he got down to the street. He stepped out and opened the door for Mike.
"We are going to the hospital, right Mister Ross?" He asked.
"Yes we are Ray."
"Are you doing alright, Mike?" The other man asked him kindly, and Mike found that he suddenly wanted to invite Ray to the secret of cancer.
"Not really." He said. "Actually I'm pretty sick, as you may have guessed."
"Yes, I've been suspecting it for some time now. Sorry for saying it, but you don't look so good."
"No, it's okay. I'm not doing so well. I have cancer in my heart." He said. Just like that he had said it. He could hear Ray draw deep breath.
"I am so sorry to hear that Mike." He said quietly. "I am truly sorry. That is certainly really bad news."
"Yeah, thanks."
"Will…will you be alright?" Ray asked him carefully.
"I don't know." Was all Mike could think of answering. It got quiet after that. Ray probably didn't know what else to say now. Mike could understand that. But he suddenly wanted to talk about it.
"They haven't told me much yet. I think I will find out today."
"I hope you will get some positive news then."
"So do I."
"Harvey is helping you out?" Ray asked then.
"Yeah he is. He is great." This was easier to talk to. He told Ray about what Harvey had been doing for him. He told him that Harvey and Donna, and now Ray were the only people who knew. He told him about how hard and awkward it was to talk about it with people. Ray just listened and came with some inputs or questions sometimes, and before Mike knew they were at the hospital.
"We are here. Good luck Mike. I will wait for you when you are done."
"Thank you Ray. It means a lot."
"Let me know if you need help with everything else. I like you Mike, I'm happy to help."
He hooked the horn once as he drove off. Mike smiled to himself and went inside.
– SUITS –
Harvey turned the lock on the door and quietly closed the door behind him. He knew that Mike had been to the hospital today for treatment, and he usually felt bad after that. Maybe he was sleeping now. It was pretty late actually. He talked to Mike once during the day. He had been in the middle of chemo when Harvey had called him. The kid hadn't said much. He just gave short answers on Harvey's questions and then claimed that he was tired. It was clear to Harvey that he didn't want to talk. He wanted to know why.
He had had a long day at the office. He had much to do. He had went to a few meetings. His mind however kept circling back to the conversation he had with Mike. What was up with the kid? It was time to find out. Unless he was sleeping. He couldn't hear any sound from the apartment, like from the TV or so. However when he started to walk inside of his condo he could hear something. He froze on the spot when he stepped into the kitchen area. It was Mike, and he was crying.
The apartment was held in darkness, but Harvey could distinguish the shape of Mike curled up on the couch. He had his knees drawn up and had his head buried in his arms. He let out harsh sobs that were kind of muffled. He hadn't noticed that Harvey was there, watching him. It had been a long time since he had seen Mike cry like this. The last time was the night that Mike had told him about the cancer. He had seen him on a few occasions when he got home from work with puffed and red eyes, like he had been crying, but they hadn't talked about it. Harvey had thought about mention it to Mike, but obviously the kid didn't want to talk about it.
Harvey's heart sank a bit more than it already had at the thought of that Mike had been doing this before. Sitting in the darkness crying his eyes out to himself. That poor kid. He had to step up and do something about this, right now.
He stepped forward and approached the couch and Mike.
"Mike." He said quietly and watched the kid for a reaction. He got one. Mike jerked in surprise of his voice and looked up at him. He looked terrible even in the dim light. His eyes were red as were the rest of his face. Tears were smeared across his face. He looked shocked at seeing Harvey standing in front of him.
"Har-Harvey… you are home" he said and did a desperate attempt to stop crying. He wiped his face.
"Yeah, kid. I'm home." he went around the coffee table and took a seat next to Mike. Harvey watched as Mike tried in vain tried to compose himself. He was unsuccessful, and his breaths came out in irregular pants. Eventually he seemed to give up and just lowered his head back down onto his arms that were still hugging his knees tightly. He apparently tried to at least cry more quietly. Harvey sat there in awkward silence. He should probably say something. So he did.
"Hey Mike." he started. "What's wrong?"
Mike didn't look up or say anything. What he did was that he cried a bit louder. Harvey sighed and shifted a bit on the couch. Then he got up and sat down closer to the kid. So close that they were almost touching. He then stretched out a hand and put it out Mike's arm, and held it there.
Mike continued to cry, pulling at Harvey's heartstrings. Harvey patted his arm a bit, and held on to him again. After a few minutes he started to calm down a bit. Neither of them had said something.
"I'm sorry." Mike whispered when he was able to talk again. "I just… I was just…" he stopped and finally looked up at Harvey with a pained expression. "Harvey…" he whimpered and let out a few shaky breaths.
"Yeah. It's okay kid." Harvey said kindly. "Now, can you tell me what's got you so upset?"
"Ye-yeah. Sure." He paused after that and didn't say anything else for a while. Harvey watched him closely until he realized that Mike was trapped in his own thoughts.
"Mike?"
He jerked a bit and leaned away from Harvey. Tears were glistening in his eyes.
"Today, at the hospital... I had an appointment with my doctor."
"Okay. And what happened? What did he say?"
"We talked about my prognosis. They have gotten all the test results by now. And… Harvey it's bad."
"What is it?"
"They said…they said that I…" He had to stop for a while. "That most patients with heart cancer have a year at the most. That means that I have like 10-11 months left to live Harvey!" Tears were streaming down his cheeks again and Harvey felt his own eyes start to water. He bit his teeth hard together to help will his tears away. Not in front of Mike!
"I don't want to die." Mike breathed out.
"That is not going to happen to you Mike."
"But they said…"
"I know Mike, but you can beat this. I know that you can. And you will."
"You keep saying that Harvey, but you can't know that."
"Yes I do."
Mike just stared at him. He was biting his lip, and wiped his face. "They said that my changes are like 1 in 10 of surviving this. That means that it is a 90 percent change that I will be dead within a year. 90 percent Harvey!"
"Which also means that we have 10 percent chance of beating this thing Mike! We have dealt with worse!"
"Yeah, when? That's bullshit!" he wiped his eyes again.
"You know what?" Harvey got up from the couch. Suddenly he felt so angry. "It sounds like you have given up already! So the odds are low? Did we ever let that stop us before Mike?"
Mike refused to look at him.
"Mike!" He was almost yelling by now, and Mike flinched and then shock his head a tiny bit.
"No we haven't" Harvey took a deep breath and sat down next to the kid again. He had to calm down. Getting upset and yelling was not going to help the situation. Mike was shaking where he was on the couch, it seemed like he was holding his breath. It struck Harvey how young he looked. He then did something that he had never done with anyone before. He slowly put his arm around Mike's shoulder, and pulled him the tiniest bit closer to himself. At first Mike tensed and pushed against him, but then in one breath he sagged against Harvey, head bowed and Harvey could feel how he was shaking. He realized that the kid was silently crying again.
"It will be okay. I should have been there with you today." He told him.
"You will get through it Mike. We are going to take it one day at the time." He felt Mike nodding against him, his head pressing harder against his shoulder. Harvey noticed that Mike carefully had grasped his shirt in one of his hands and now was holding on to it tightly. He let him. "It's okay." He whispered when Mike didn't move at all. Mike drew a shaky breath and Harvey felt how his grip tightened.
They sat there until Mike had quieted down. Harvey had thought that it would be best if he just let Mike be until he was ready. After all it must have been pretty tough to get news like that, and then just go back to an empty apartment. He deserved some comfort, and Harvey was actually glad he could provide it.
Mike started to struggle against him suddenly.
"Let go!" He whispered desperately and Harvey got scared that he had done something terrible wrong. What was Mike doing? He immediately realized him and leaned away from the kid. Mike tried to get up from the couch. Harvey was just going to help him when he managed. Mike stumbled away towards the bathroom. Before Harvey got to his feet he could hear retching. Shit!
In all of this he had forgotten that Mike was going to react to the treatment as well. He had been prepared for that, but had forgotten about it now after Mike's news. They were certainly bad. 10 percent. Mike had 10 percent chance of surviving. It was a ninety percent change that the kid would be gone within a year. Harvey felt sick. He wanted to scream and hit things. He wished for a moment that he could go to the gym, box a little. That would feel amazing. But he was needed here. If he felt like this now, how was Mike feeling.
No wonder the kid hadn't wanted to talk before.
He followed Mike into the bathroom and found him leaning over the toilet. He was retching and sobbing. It didn't look like it was anything then bile by now. Harvey felt so bad for him.
– SUITS –
He just wished it would stop. He didn't want to do this right now. He wanted to go back to the couch with Harvey. He wanted to forget. He wanted to not be throwing up! He hated it. But there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.
When he thought he was done he let himself sink down to the floor.
"Hey Mike, don't lay down there kid." Harvey was saying. He was next to him and held him up by his shoulders.
"Stop it. Let me lay down. I need to lay down now."
"Yeah, okay. But can you wait one second though?"
When Harvey let him down it was a thick towel on the floor under him. He was on his stomach, and could see Harvey sitting down on the carpet next to him.
"I have never done this before." He said. "Camped down in the bathroom. Do you want something to drink?"
Mike just shook his head. He didn't want anything. He wanted to sleep, but felt to sick. Today had been a really shitty day. The news he got from the doctor was way worse than he had imagined. But if he rationalized he should have been expecting it. It was heart cancer after all, but it was still hard to take in. He could actually die. Until now he kind of had been thinking all along that he would be okay after all. Sure it would be tough but he would be okay in the end. Now he wasn't so sure anymore. He had become kind of paralyzed at the doctor's office. Doctor Lundin was really good though and they talked for a long time. Mike was mostly quiet and the doctor talked. He told him about other patients that had survived, at least for a few years, when Mike asked closer. They talked about how the treatment was going as well. So far it wasn't that much changes so they would keep it up for a while longer, the same as they were doing now. He said that he understood that it was much to take in and he suggested that Mike should go to a physiatrist, and gave him a name. It would help, he said. Mike wasn't sure.
He had felt numb when he went to the treatment. He just did everything they told him to. Ray was waiting for him when he got out, and for a moment he thought that he would lose it, right then and there. But he managed to keep it together. He just told Ray that he was tired and feigned sleep the entire ride. Ray didn't call him on it.
When he got in to the empty apartment he went straight to the couch and fell asleep. He slept a few hours. It was almost dark when he woke up. He didn't bother turning any lights on. Harvey hadn't been home. He had really wished for him to be there when he fell apart.
It had felt good to let it out. And when he started he couldn't stop. He was just so scared. He felt terrified. He felt like he was all alone in a war against hundreds of thousands of faceless enemies. They just came rushing in over him and he couldn't defend himself at all. Nothing he did was going to help. But then Harvey came and everything felt a tiny bit better for a while.
It felt worse again now, when he was lying there on the floor in Harvey's bathroom. Harvey was sitting close to him. He still had his suit on. It was comforting. He reached out towards Harvey, he just wanted to hold on to him. He felt like he needed to be anchored somehow. The only thing he could grab onto was Harvey's pants. He held on to the fabric as hard as he could. He knew that he was crying, but he felt too bad to care.
"Okay Mike, okay. It's going to be okay. You just hang in there."
He let himself be comforted by the words. He chose not to put any meaning behind them, just the fact that Harvey was there and talking calmly to him was enough.
It took twenty minutes before he had to throw up again. Harvey gave him some water to rinse his mouth with after. He managed to sleep some after that, there on the floor. When he woke again he was covered with a blanket and had a small pillow under his head. He had no idea how Harvey had managed to get it in under his head without him waking up. He got sick again. His mouth tasted awful. He was exhausted, had a strong headache and felt so nauseated he didn't know what to do with himself.
He needed to throw up again. But suddenly he couldn't heave himself up. His arms wouldn't cooperate. He managed to get up on his elbows but not further.
"Har…Harvey?"
"Yeah Mike. I'm here."
"I need help."
"Of course, what can I do?"
"Up."
"Okay. Yeah. I'll help you. On three." He counted and heaved him upright on three. He didn't let go after that, until Mike was laying down again. On his back this time. Harvey said that was better.
"Harvey?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"Do you…Do you think I'm going to die?"
"No, I don't." Harvey answered. "Mike, I don't think that you are going to die."
"I…I'm…I can't stop thinking about it."
Harvey nodded next to him.
"I think you can beat this Mike, I have told you that before."
"I don't want to die."
"I don't want you to die either, kid." Harvey said quietly. "Just…you just got to keep fighting it."
"How?" Mike mumbled.
"One day at the time Mike. And I'm right next to you."
"Okay."
He actually felt a bit better after that. Reassured actually. He would store these words in his mind and pick them out when he needed them.
The night passed slowly, but Mike didn't get worse. Harvey was there the entire time. Mike was so grateful for that. He said it a few times as well, and Harvey said it was no problem.
"You are my responsibility remember?" He smirked. "I got to make sure you keep functioning."
"Right. Thanks for that."
"You ready to get off the floor or what?"
"Yep. I think so."
– SUITS –
Thank you very much for the reviews! It's really encouraging! I hope you liked this chapter as well.