Chapter 20.
Harvey's plan of getting some kind of change between him and Mike hadn't really worked. At work during the day he had really tried. He had tried to include Mike in the case, he had been nice to him and everything but the kid turned him down.
He didn't know what was going on with Mike anymore. He had discussed the whole thing with Donna, and her advice had been to just talk to Mike. Like it was an easy thing to do. He would try of course.
Harvey had felt really bad when he had come to the hospital and found Mike hunched down staring at the floor. He hadn't reacted when he called out for him until he had been right next to him. Mike had looked crushed and had screamed at him that he thought Harvey had forgotten about him. He would never do that though, but Mike seemed to think that he would.
Mike had been avoiding his question about how he was doing, that probably was a sign that things were not right with the kid.
Later at night hadn't been a good time for the talk according to Harvey. He thought Mike deserved a good night after Harvey supposedly had forgotten him at the hospital. They had watched a movie and were joking around, and things had seemed okay.
He was standing outside Mike's room now, knocking on his door. He didn't hear any signs of the kid waking, so he let himself inside. Mike was on his back, snoring lightly. He really looked exhausted so Harvey felt bad about having to wake him up, but they really should get going.
"Mike. Wake up."
The kid groaned and turned on his side.
"Come on! Get up Mike."
"No…it's too early."
"It's late actually."
Mike sat up reluctantly and looked tiredly at him. "What time is it?" He asked.
"It's 8:30 already. We should go."
Mike rubbed his face, and massaged his scalp for a second.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just didn't sleep much."
"We went to bed early, you should have gotten at least eight hours."
"I couldn't sleep!"
"Fine… okay. I can see that. Stop being cranky and get dressed." Harvey left him alone to do so. Mike came out ten minutes later. He refused to eat anything, just had a glass of milk with his meds and then wanted to leave.
"You really should eat breakfast." Harvey scolded him when they was in the car.
"You were the one who wanted to leave."
"You would have time for breakfast."
"I'll have something later."
Donna was already at her desk when they arrived. "Look who decided to show up today." He greeted them.
"Mike didn't sleep well, and haven't had breakfast yet." Harvey told her, making Mike moaning his name.
"I'm on it!" Donna said and disappeared.
"Thanks for telling on me." Mike grumbled as they settled in Harvey's office. Harvey just smirked at him and started to work.
Donna came back a few minutes later with a sandwich and a fruit shake for Mike, she asked him about his meds and sleeping. She got out of Mike that he only had about four hours of sleep. No wonder the kid felt tired. However Mike assured Donna that he was fine. She shared a look with Harvey that told them that neither of them believed him.
They worked for a few hours after that. Harvey had a lot to deal with. The meeting yesterday hadn't really gone as he had expected and a few unanticipated problems had come from it. He had given a few files to Mike and he was silently working on them.
Suddenly Mike asked if they should take a break. Harvey thought he was kidding, and just glanced at him, before turning his attention back to his computer. His focus was broken only a few minutes later by the sounds that were erupting from Mike where he was on the couch. The kid was crying! He was sitting there, face pressed into his hands, sobbing in the middle of his office. What was wrong?
He quickly made his way over to the kid, and tried to catch Donna's eyes at the same time. She was on the phone though. He sat down next to Mike asking what was wrong and trying to get a look at Mike's face. Mike wouldn't let him, just pressed his hands closer to his face. Harvey settled for patting his back.
"It's okay Mike. It's okay. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
The kid was just sobbing and taking hitching breaths. Harvey waved at Donna, and she looked up. She almost dropped the phone, and stood up immediately, stopped herself, said something in and hung up before she made her way into the office. She took Mike's other side.
"Mike, honey, what's wrong?"
"You got to talk to us kid. Are you in pain?" Harvey asked. To their relief Mike shook his head.
"What is wrong then, sweetie?" Donna asked and stroke his arm. Mike didn't answer, and Harvey looked desperately at Donna. What was going on?
"You must be tired. Aren't you?" She asked, and Mike nodded now.
"Oh, it's okay. Shhh…" Donna brought her arms around the kid and dragged him closer to her. "Come here." He let her.
"Harvey, get him some tissues and some water." Donna ordered and Harvey scrambled up, hurriedly doing what she told him. He brought them over, but neither Donna nor Mike did any attempt of taking them from him, so after standing there a moment he felt stupid and put them down on the table. He didn't know what to do after that. So he just silently sat down next to Mike again and listened to Donna as she shushed Mike and spoke quietly to him. His crying had slowed down, and it seemed like he was about to stop. Donna handed him a tissue and he wiped his face shakily. He handed it to Donna, who just handed it to Harvey. He stopped himself last minute from making a sound of disgust.
A moment later Mike had collected himself enough to drink the water Donna handed him and sit up a little straighter, his face red. He wouldn't look at them.
"Sorry." He said. "I don't know what happened." It was the first thing he said since he started.
"Oh, you are just tired sweetie. It's okay."
"Yeah, I am tired." Mike agreed. He was still avoiding eye contact with them.
"Maybe you should take a nap." Harvey suggested, looking questioningly at Donna, she just rolled her eyes at him.
"You should, Mike." She agreed.
"Okay." Mike said, he looked at the files on the table. "Sorry Harvey." They looked eyes.
"No, don't worry about it. You go ahead." Harvey stood up to make room for Mike to lay down which he did. He closed his eyes.
"We are right here if you need us." Donna said as she also stood.
"Thank you." Mike said quietly.
Harvey shared a look with Donna before quietly returning to his desk. Mike looked like he was sleeping already. It took a while before Harvey could concentrate on work again.
– SUITS –
Mike laid there and thought about what just happened. Harvey had been deeply engrossed in whatever he was doing on his computer. He wouldn't look up at Mike at all. He wanted him to do so. He wanted Harvey to notice that he wasn't feeling well. Why wouldn't he do that? Maybe he should go and talk to Donna for a bit. He glanced over towards her and saw that she was on the phone. No one really had time for him, to notice, and he just wanted them to. He felt sad and upset. The words in the files in front of him seemed to taunt him. He didn't think he could turn another page more. He was so sick of it. He couldn't stop himself from thinking that the whole case was a waste of time. It wouldn't make any big different to anyone no matter what the outcome was. There were other things that mattered a lot more than money. For example how lonely he was feeling right at that moment.
"Harvey? Do you want to go for a break?" He asked stupidly. They never took breaks together. Harvey just raised an eyebrow towards him and then looked down at his screen again. Donna was still on the phone, and Mike felt like he was on the verge of losing it. He turned back to his files in an attempt to quell the rising anxiety. It worked for about ten minutes, but then he just couldn't take it anymore. He felt tears rising to his eyes. He couldn't cry in the middle of the day in Harvey's office! He couldn't. But he was going to. He tried in vain to bite his lip hard in an attempt to stop it. That didn't work either. He glanced at Harvey, he didn't care. He was still engrossed in his stupid laptop. Suddenly Mike was just too tired to care, it was just too hard to hold it back any longer.
He put his head in his hands and released it. Everything. He tried to keep quiet, but when he had to draw a breath in, the exhale after came out as a sob. He pressed his hands harder over his face to stop the sounds but it was too late.
"Mike? Hey what's going on? Are you in pain?" he could hear Harvey raising from his chair and hurry over to him. He sat down on the couch next to him and tried to pull Mike's hands away from his face.
The next thing he knew Donna was there as well. He tried to stop, he must be freaking them out. They were asking him all sorts of things, but he didn't trust his voice so he just shook his head or nodded at their questions.
He was so embarrassed, he was making a fool of himself. He didn't even have a reason for crying. He felt like a little kid that had gone to long without a nap, when Harvey suggested that he would take one. But he figured if he did go to sleep he wouldn't have to face the embarrassment. So far he was faking it, but after a while he realized that he was falling asleep for real. He let himself do it. Maybe he would feel better when he woke up.
He didn't sleep long, because Harvey woke him by making some sort of noise. At first he was confused and didn't know what was going on, before he remembered. He looked over at Harvey, who was fumbling with his phone.
"Did I wake you?" he asked. Mike shook his head, and Harvey sighed a bit indicating to Mike that he didn't believe him at all. Mike shakily sat up and rubbed his face. He felt a bit dizzy and shaky, and he was still dead tired.
"You didn't sleep that long. Do you feel better?" Harvey got up from his chair and walked over to him. He just shrugged his shoulder, not really in the mood of telling Harvey how he felt. He didn't look up at the other man.
A pregnant silence spread through the room. Neither of them said anything in a minute.
"You want to continue working, or..?" Harvey asked him.
"Actually I think I want to head home."
Harvey glanced at his watch. "It's not even lunch time yet." He said hesitantly. "But sure, if you want to. I guess I can work from home."
"You don't have to come with me. I can take care of myself you know." Mike said angrily.
"Really?" Harvey smirked, making Mike more annoyed with him. He stood up.
"I'm leaving." He said.
"Alright, just let me call Ray." Harvey went for the phone.
"No, it's fine. I want to leave now. I can take a cab."
"Or you wait for 10 minutes and Ray can drive you."
"Fine." Mike agreed and plopped down on the couch again. He could wait ten minutes.
When he got home he knew that he probably should try and sleep some, but he didn't feel like it. He made himself lunch and then watched some TV. Harvey had told him that he would be home early. It was like Harvey wanted to watch his every move all of a sudden. Mike probably freaked him out by crying like a baby in the middle of his office. Everything just sucked! Suddenly he wanted Harvey to come home again. The condo was so empty.
He went to take out his meds, and inspected them. He had decided to go ahead and skip a few of them tonight to try and see what happened. He was just too tired to go through another night like the previous one. He refused to do that. He just couldn't.
– SUITS –
"I honestly don't get him Donna! One minute he is all do you want to take a break with me? And the next he is yelling at me because he wants to go home by himself. What should I do?"
"Well, he was obviously tired today, it must effect his mood."
"Yeah, but what should I do? Nothing I do seems to be the right thing. I think he would break down if I yelled at him."
"What would you yell at him?" Donna looked at him in chock from where she was seated in front of him in his office.
"I'm not going to yell at him."
"You better not. That won't help."
"Yeah, I know, but how should I handle him then?"
"Harvey, for gods sake. You don't need to handle him, just be a decent human being and try to imagine how he must feel."
"And how is that?"
"He is dealing with being deadly ill, he has just moved in with his boss in what might be forever and he is dealing with the illness and its effects as well. What do you think?"
"Yeah, it's a lot."
"Don't make it worse."
"I'm not going to make it worse Donna."
She raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"Alright," He said, "tell me how to not make it worse."
"Don't say anything about today for starters. He didn't want to do what he did, he just couldn't help himself. Be nice to him. And try to treat him normally, of course not like before the cancer, but as normal as possible."
"Oh, just that."
"You will be fine."
It was Harvey's turn to raise his eyebrows. "Sometimes he just drives me crazy. It's like he's testing me."
"Maybe he is."
"Why would he?"
"To see what you will do, to see if you really are there for him in the way he needs you to."
"Right. I don't know if you have helped me or not. I feel more confused now the I did before."
"Oh you will be fine, you baby. It's still Mike, not some alien that has invaded your house."
"Are you sure?"
"I am always right." She left him alone after that.
He guessed that she was right. Mike was dealing with a lot of stuff, maybe it was just getting too much for him to handle, and that was what the crying earlier had been about.
"Harvey? I need you."
He looked up at Louis who had barged into his office without knocking.
"What do you want Louis? I don't have time."
"What do you mean you don't have time? Make time. We need to come up with a strategy for the case."
"Yeah, that will have to wait. I haven't read up on all the details yet."
"So? Have Mike do it."
"No, I he is not available."
"What do you mean? Where is he? He wasn't at his cubicle, or the file room, library and he isn't here."
"Did you go look for him?"
"What? No. I just happened to pass those places on my way here."
"Oh you did. Anyway, Mike isn't here. He left for the day."
"You let him leave before lunch?"
"He had things to take care of."
"What happened to you? You are going way too soft on him."
"Did you have something of actual importance to talk about or did you only come here to discuss my employee. Are you obsessed with him or something?"
"What? No. Well, since you are not in the loop there is no point at discussing anything." With that Louis just turned and left, leaving Harvey annoyed.
It was true however that he wasn't in the loop. Normally he would have let Mike do this kind of work, but that wasn't going to work. He glanced at the files that was discarded on the coffee table by Mike. It was going to be a long day. But he had told Mike that he would be home early. Apparently he had to bring work home with him today, something he didn't do often.
– SUITS –
Harvey got home pretty early as he had said. Mike was almost ready with dinner by then. He had become hungry earlier and decided that he was going to cook something for them. Often they ordered something, or Harvey would make something. Harvey had restocked his fridge recently, so there was much to choose form. He went with chicken and pasta. Maybe with some cheese as well.
They ate mostly in silence, Harvey kept throwing him weird looks. After dinner Mike went over to the couch as Harvey stayed by the kitchen table with some files. Everything was good and Mike was watching a pretty entertaining TV-show.
"Have you taken the meds?" Harvey suddenly asked him from the kitchen area. Mike pretended not to have heard him. It didn't work. "Mike!"
"What? Yes I have!"
"Then why are there still three pills left here?" Harvey questioned.
"I don't really need to take those."
"Bullshit. You need all of them."
"No, it's fine Harvey. Nothing will happen if I skip those three for one night."
"You don't know that. They are there for a god damn reason, so you are going to take them."
"No." He wasn't going to.
"No?"
"No." He hoped that Harvey would just let it go, because he had decided. He wasn't going to take them.
"You are taking it. There is no question about it Mike."
"No, I'm not. Not today, I just want to try something Harvey…"
"You are not trying anything like that. It's just stupid to skip taking pills that are there to help you."
"I'm not stupid! And I have read up on it, it won't matter if I skip those for just one night."
"Oh, so you have read up on it. Then I guess it's okay. Tell me what Mike, when did you become a fake doctor as well?"
"Oh shut up! It's one night. It's none of your business. Leave it alone." Mike turned back to the TV, he was done with the conversation.
"Well, you know what kid. I'm making it my business. Whatever reason you have for doing this, it's just stupid, and you are going to take all of your meds."
He glanced over at Harvey that was coming towards him with the pills in one hand. He scrambled up from the couch, and went to meet the other man. He didn't really feel like telling Harvey the real reason for not wanting to take the pills. He had already humiliated himself once today that was enough.
But Harvey obviously wouldn't leave it alone. Mike had no idea what he was thinking of doing, coming towards him like that pills in hand. Was he going to shove them down his throat by force?
He suddenly felt angry. Harvey didn't even ask his reason, he just expected Mike to do what he was told without protest. Well, that wasn't going to happen!
"Mike come here. You are taking them."
"No, I said no. What about that are you not getting?" He stepped closer to Harvey to make his point.
"Bullshit. Here!" Harvey held out his hand with the pills. Things happened quickly after that. In anger Mike pushed at Harvey's hand making the pills fly to the floor.
"What the hell!" Harvey yelled. "Pick them the hell up!" He went to grab Mike by the arm, but Mike backed away.
"No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Get away from me!" Mike tried his best to push Harvey away, but the other man easily sidestepped him. It was making Mike even angrier. He wasn't going to take them, or pick them the hell up!
"You don't get to decide for me! You don't!" He knew he was overreacting, but he wanted to be mad. He wanted to yell at Harvey. He wanted to hit, he wanted to hit someone, and Harvey was the only one there. He was just so angry. All he could think about was how much he didn't want to take those pills. He actually did threw a punch in Harvey's direction, but his fist didn't reach it's intended target.
"What the hell are you doing Mike?" Harvey shouted to him, and caught his hand in his in a hard grip. Mike tried to rip it away, but Harvey's grip just tightened.
Mike stupidly brought up his other hand to pry Harvey's hand of his arm, but found that he couldn't. In frustration he again aimed to hit again, but all Harvey did was pull him a bit so that he lost his footing and ha to stumble to the side not to fall. He felt so angry over the fact that he apparently was no match for Harvey at all.
"Let me go, Harvey you're hurting me! Let go!" he yelled in anger. It was true though not just a way of getting Harvey to let go, Harvey's grip did hurt. "Ow!" he yelled again when Harvey didn't let go right away. Harvey almost flinched then and let go of him so suddenly that he wasn't prepared for it at all. He stumbled backwards, but was abruptly stopped by the coffee table. The sharp edges of it dug into his calves and he couldn't get his balance under control and ended up on the floor. For a second he just sat there staring up at Harvey, who had an expression of shock on his face. But then Mike broke eye contact and scrambled up of the floor.
"I hate you." He mumbled and left the room. He slammed the door to his room shut as hard as he could. He sat down on the bed and immediately hot tears appeared in his eyes. Damn it! What just happened? What did he do? What did he say to Harvey?
– SUITS –
Things really had spun out of control! Harvey had no idea what just happened? What the hell was going on with the kid?
Harvey was standing there on the middle of his living room floor staring after Mike. He heard him slam the door, and felt a bit of anger flare up again. Was he trying to break the place now? He wouldn't have that. He was almost on his way to go and tell the kid off, when he stopped himself. That probably wouldn't be wise. He better calm down first, and also let Mike do the same. Apparently Mike hated him now.
What the hell did all of that come from? Mike had actually raised his hand against him, he had never done that before. He had never thought of Mike as a violent person. He doubted that it would have hurt even if Mike had managed to hit him. It was almost laughable on how easy it had been to hold the kid back.
However there little fight just now didn't end well. Mike could have hurt himself badly, falling backwards like that. He had been shocked when Mike fell down on the floor. Also when the kid had yelled at him, that he was hurting him. He had been hurting Mike. It kind of was his fault that the kid fell. But it seemed like Mike was fine, because he got up quickly and slammed the damn door hard enough to convince Harvey that he wasn't in any serious pain.
The kid really was messed up today. Suddenly Harvey felt pissed. He was really trying here, tiptoeing around Mike to accommodate him, to not upset him. He had told Mike to come to him if he had any issues. It was clear that Mike did, why the hell wouldn't he take the pills otherwise? And why was he acting like that at the office? Something was clearly bothering him, but Mike hadn't come to him. Harvey had told him that things had changed, that he was on his side, but the kid refused to open up. So be it then. Damn it! He would just let Mike be like that. If he wanted to scream and yell and refuse to take his damn pills like a child, then he would let him. At least for now. Screw Mike.
He opened the files again.
– SUITS –
Mike was laying on the bed with his head pressed into the pillows. What had he done? He had really shocked himself with his actions. He had tried to punch Harvey! He couldn't believe he did that. He had done it now. He had really screwed up. Harvey must truly hate him now. Why would he do that? He should have just taken the pills, it would have been much better. He wouldn't possibly had been feeling worse than he did now, if he had taken them.
He didn't cry yet. He felt like he was really close though. He hated it. And he hated himself. Why would he do that? Why would he do that to Harvey, the only person who was helping him? After all, Harvey had just wanted him to take the pills. It was him who was being stupid, like Harvey said, for not taking them when he was supposed to. But Harvey hadn't even let him explain. If he only had gotten to explain. He should just do it. He might as well tell Harvey about everything, about the nightmares, about the dark thoughts he was having, maybe even about crying himself to sleep every damn night.
He needed to make things right again between them. He needed to go back and apologize, he would take the pills if it made Harvey forgive him. He would do anything.
He got up and carefully opened the door. He stood for a moment and listen if he could hear any sounds from Harvey's direction. He didn't. He stepped out into the living room.
Harvey was sitting with his back against him, he cleared his throat a bit and waited. It would be good if Harvey took the first step so he didn't have to. He knew that Harvey knew he was there, but he ignored him.
"Look, I didn't mean for all of that to happen Harvey..." He started, Harvey still didn't acknowledge him in any way.
"I'm sorry, okay?" he said. He felt tears gather in his eyes, and he just wanted to turn right back around and leave, or Harvey would think that he was so pathetic when he saw him. Why was everything so hard? Harvey still had his back turned against him. He decided to try again, he needed to make things okay again. He wouldn't be able to sleep at all otherwise.
"I'm sorry Harvey." He said again. Harvey still ignored him. He felt himself starting to breathe faster, feeling more desperate. Why couldn't he at least turn around?
"Harvey? Please…"
Harvey did turn then. He looked up at Mike with hard eyes, and Mike instinctively took a few steps back.
"What?" Harvey asked. "Are you done yelling at me now?"
Mike just nodded. He didn't know what to say now. He just felt so bad. He was scared and tired and just wanted to cry. He wanted Harvey to forgive him and tell him that everything was okay, that he wasn't mad. Because he didn't think he could take it if Harvey was mad at him now. He looked mad.
"What do you want Mike?"
"I'm sorry." He whispered, looking away. He bit his lower lip hard.
"Yeah you said that."
"But I am, I am sorry. For…what I did."
"Okay." Harvey turned around and turned his back against him again. Mike understood that he thought that the conversation now was over.
"Okay." He said quietly. "I'm going to bed then." He paused, seeing if Harvey would say something else. He didn't. "See you tomorrow Harvey. Good night."
Harvey didn't reply or acknowledge him in any way.
He knew as soon as he put his head on his pillow again that he was going to start crying. He couldn't stop it now, he knew that too so he didn't even try. He tried to do it quietly though, down into the pillow. He didn't want Harvey to hear him.
He regretted it so badly that he had yelled at Harvey before. Why did he do that? He was sure of it now, Harvey hated him. He wouldn't even look at him. He would want Mike to get out of his house. Why would he want Mike there anyway, when he was screaming at him for no good reason? Harvey had just been trying to help him after all.
Oh, how much he wished he hadn't done that. Why was he screwing things up all the time? What if Harvey would want to get rid of him now? Or what if he wouldn't want to be around him anymore at all? Would he get up and move to a different room when Mike sat down next to him on the couch? Or what about work? What if he didn't want to work with him at all? What would happen then? Donna would maybe still be nice to him, but he if he wouldn't be allowed close to Harvey he couldn't go talk to her either. That meant that he would be totally alone.
He wished he had some tissues within reach. His nose was getting stuffed. He wondered briefly for how long he had been crying now. His thoughts returned to Harvey again. He had a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Harvey wouldn't want to drive him there anymore.
The thoughts almost couldn't fit in his head.
– SUITS –
Harvey wasn't making any progress. He had been reading the same line at least five times now. He couldn't get Mike out of his head, that damn kid. He wanted to be angry at Mike. He had been up until he had heard the kid saying good night to him just now. Mike had sounded so sad. The anger had slipped away then. Mike had tried to apologize to him, but he hadn't accepted it. He had been acting like a jerk. It must have been hard for Mike to come to him like that, and what had he done? He had just dismissed the kid without any attempt what so ever to mend the situation between them.
The more he thought about the more ashamed he felt. What was he doing? He was pushing Mike away, when he clearly needed him. It all started with the damn pills and Mike's refusal to take them. He hadn't asked him why he wouldn't take them. He should have done that. He should have heard Mike out.
Well, it wasn't too late.
– SUITS –
There was a knocking on his door. Oh no! Harvey couldn't come in now. He was a mess. What was he going to do? What was Harvey going to do? Was he going to yell at him? Hit him? No, he would never do that. Was he here to throw him out? No, no, no, please no. It was all he could think at the moment. He sat up on the bed and pulled the cover with him, without thinking about it he dragged it as a protecting layer around himself.
"Mike? Can I come in?" Harvey asked from the other side of the door. No, Mike didn't want him to. He wasn't ready yet. But he couldn't defy Harvey. He couldn't.
"Yeah…" He whispered, but then realized that Harvey probably couldn't hear him, so he said it again.
He watched intently as Harvey stepped into the room. Mike couldn't help but shirk back when Harvey sat down on the edge of the bed. Harvey saw it, because he looked sad then and moved a tiny bit further from Mike.
"Mike…" He said. He didn't look mad. But he just couldn't be sure.
"What…what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean? What am I going to do? Kid?" Harvey moved a bit closer again, and Mike moved further away. He just didn't know.
"What…why are you here?"
"I came because I thought we should talk about what just happened tonight. Don't you think we should?"
"Only talk?"
"What do you think I'm going to do? Yes, Mike. Only talk." He sounded angry now, and Mike bit his lip and shrunk back even more. Deep down he knew he was acting silly, but he couldn't stop himself.
"Mike, I won't hurt you. Jesus! We are just going to talk okay?"
Mike nodded and waited. Harvey hesitated before he started.
"I get that you are not doing so good, and you haven't been good in a while now. Am I right?" Harvey said. Mike nodded.
"But Mike, this isn't working." Harvey said, and Mike's heart stopped. He felt himself freezing and he couldn't breathe. His eyes watered as well.
"Harvey…" He whispered. This couldn't be it. "Please don't…"
"What? Mike, hey. Calm down." Harvey looked shocked at his reactions. "What's wrong? What is it?"
"I'll do better. I promise. I will never yell at you again. I swear."
"Mike, I don't care. You can yell all you want. I think you are misunderstanding me here."
Mike was just breathing heavily, he was shaking just if he was cold, but he wasn't. He was just so damn scared right now.
"What do you think is going on here? Why are you so upset?"
When he didn't answer, Harvey yelled his name, making him flinch and he let out a sob.
"Sorry." He said pulling the cover closer to him.
Harvey shook his head. "No, no, no Mike. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Don't cry. Come on, just talk to me."
"You said it's not working out anymore. I…I have to move?"
Harvey's tense position suddenly changed and he relaxed and let out a puff. He started to shake his head. "No, oh god Mike. I'm sorry." He said again. "I wasn't talking about that. Oh god. Did you think…? I didn't mean it like that Mike. Shit." Harvey breathed. He rubbed his face with one hand as Mike looked at him. He was holding his breath. What did Harvey mean? Harvey looked at him. He looked sad.
"Mike. You are not going anywhere." He said forcefully then.
"I'm not?" Mike whispered. He needed to be sure.
"No." Harvey said quietly. "Look, I won't throw you out. No matter what you do. Don't worry about that."
"Really?"
"Well, if you pee on my couch I might consider it." Mike smiled a bit and wiped his eyes.
"Okay." He sobered up. "So you are not mad? Because I'm really sorry…"
"No." Harvey stopped him. "Not mad."
"Okay."
"Okay." Harvey repeated. "So let's talk about the reason for all of this tonight, okay?"
"Yeah..." They really should be doing that. Mike knew that, and he guessed he was ready.
"Why don't you want to take the pills Mike? You know you need them. You are kind of scaring me here, refusing to take them."
He was scaring Harvey?
"It wasn't like that Harvey. I was just going to try not to take them, for just one night. I took the necessary ones. I was just going to try and skip a few of them…"
"Good, so you are not giving up then or something like that."
"What? No!"
"Fine, so why are you doing that?"
"To see what happens."
"And what do you think is going to happen?" Harvey said calmly.
"That I might feel better." Mike said. Harvey rolled his eyes.
"That's why you take them!" He exclaimed.
"No, not like that! I mean…I mean…when…I" Mike had to stop. How should he even begin to tell Harvey how he was feeling? He didn't think he could get Harvey to understand. Harvey just sat there and waited so he tried again.
"At night, and sometimes during the day, I feel really bad, like emotionally. Like today at the office. But mostly it is when I'm about to sleep. I…I can't." He had to stop again. His eyes were watering, and he didn't want them to. He managed to force it back.
"I kind of freak out. It feels like I have this big whole in my chest, and… and I feel really alone, and scared and sad. And I don't know what to do about it. And I keep having these thoughts that won't go away, and it's just gets worse and worse, Harvey." He had to stop again, to force down the emotions that threatened to bubble up. He took a few deep breaths.
"Anyway, I can't sleep and when I do after like hours, I have nightmares and I wake up, and it just starts over. I just feel so messed up. And I was just thinking that maybe it's side effects and I if I just tired not take the pills for one night then I would know." He stopped and looked up at Harvey. He couldn't read his expression. When Harvey didn't say anything he looked down on his knees and waited. He had said enough. Harvey let out a sigh.
"Shit Mike." He said quietly. "I had no idea. I didn't know it was that bad. That you were struggling so much." He paused. "Why didn't you come to me, kid?" He said kindly. They locked eyes.
Mike didn't know what to say, so he just shrugged his shoulders.
"You could have come to me. That's pretty bad Mike. You feel alone?"
"Yeah, it's nothing against you. You are great Harvey." Mike tried to assure him, but Harvey shook his head.
"Clearly I'm not. I haven't even noticed."
"I tried to hide it."
"Yeah, you did a good job kid."
"Until today."
Harvey laughed a bit and agreed. "But that's good. I'm glad I know Mike. Now we can do something about it. But you know, I don't think skipping pills is the best way."
"I didn't know what else to do. Yesterday was really bad and I just couldn't do it again tonight."
Harvey nodded. "Okay." He said. They got quiet for a while.
"So you think it's side effects?" Mike's turn to nod.
"You have an appointment tomorrow right?" Another nod.
"I think I'm coming with you then Mike. If that's okay with you."
"Really? Yes, Harvey. That's okay."
"Good." Harvey moved so that he was sitting next to Mike, leaning against the wall.
"Rough day." He said, and Mike couldn't agree more. They just sat there for some time. Both in their own thoughts. Mike felt kind of relieved that Harvey knew now. He had been pretty cool about it as well. He hadn't asked any uncomfortable questions, just accepted it.
"Can I see your wrist?" Harvey suddenly asked. Mike had no idea why, so he just held it out. Harvey took it in his hand and pushed his sleeve up. Mike was watching his face intently and Harvey suddenly paled. Mike followed his gaze and looked at his wrist. He hadn't noticed before, but there was some bruises on it now, from Harvey's grip on him earlier. They were in a shape of a hand. Mike went to remove his hand from Harvey's and Harvey immediately let go, as if burned. He was still silently staring at it.
"It's okay." Mike said quietly.
"The hell it is." Harvey said, stood up and left Mike alone.
Mike just sat there and stared at the doorway. Now what? He didn't know what he did wrong now? He thought that everything had been okay. That they were good. But now Harvey just left without a word. He just felt so confused about Harvey's actions. Why did he leave?
He stared at his wrist and at the bruises. Harvey had hurt him. It hadn't been on purpose, but still.
– SUITS –
He just had to get out of there. He just had to, he couldn't sit there next to Mike looking like that. Now if ever he had looked like a kicked puppy.
Mike had been sitting curled up in a ball in the corner of the bed with the cover wrapped around him. He looked terrible, his face red and his eyes swollen, indicating that he had been crying. Harvey's heart broke a little as Mike tried to get further away from him when he sat down on the bed. It seemed like Mike thought that he would hurt him in some way. He had no idea how the kid could even think that for a second. Mike was scared of him. It was a terrible feeling and right then and there he decided to do everything in his power to make it all better. He would do whatever it took, whatever Mike wanted.
Then Mike had told him. He had told him about the reason for not wanting to take his meds, and it made Harvey's heart break a bit more. The kid felt scared and alone. Under his roof. How could he have missed that? How on earth could he have missed that Mike felt totally miserable every night? It sucked. This whole situation sucked. And what had he done? Harvey had made it so much worse tonight. He had been yelling at Mike, instead of talking to him as Donna had told him, and then when Mike came and apologized a behavior that actually, now when he thought about it, had been in his right, what had he done then? He had yelled some more and ignored him.
He had left bruises on Mike. He had grabbed him so hard he had left bruises. He had practically abused the kid. A kid that was practically depressed on top of being deadly sick, a kid that he was supposed to look after. He had promised Mike that things would be okay when he moved in here, and they hadn't been he now realized. Mike was so far from okay that he could be. And what else did he do? Mike had just told him he felt alone, and the first thing he did was leave. He went right back.
Harvey felt even guiltier when he saw Mike. The kid was sitting in the exact same position as he left him in. the only change was that big tears were now streaming down his face. Mike did nothing to hide them now, even when he saw that Harvey was back.
"Hey." He said. Mike just looked at him for a long time. His mouth was moving as if he was about to say something, and Harvey waited.
"What…" Mike eventually whispered. "What did I do?"
Harvey sadly pressed his lips together before climbing on to the bed, sitting down close to Mike. He dragged his knees up, just like him.
"Nothing." He said.
"But you left." Mike whispered, staring straight ahead.
"I know."
"Why?"
"Well, I hurt you. And I guess I just didn't know how to deal with that." Harvey said honestly.
Mike let out a little laugh. "I don't know how to deal with anything anymore." He said.
"I'm sorry Mike. I'm sorry for hurting you and for not noticing how you were doing."
"It's okay Harvey." He paused. "I did freak out on you a little."
"A little?"
"Okay, a lot. Heh. I tried to hit you."
"Yeah, you suck at punching."
"I was tired, you were lucky."
Harvey laughed a bit. "Sure, keep telling yourself that. I should take you boxing. Teach you how to properly throw a punch."
"Yeah, that would be cool." Mike said.
"I'll have Donna set it up when you are better."
Mike didn't answer, he was staring down at his lap.
"Things will be better now Mike. We will work something out. But kid, you need to come to me about stuff. I don't care what it is, you come to me."
"Okay Harvey."
"Tomorrow we will talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, and we will see what we can do."
He looked closer at the kid. "You look dead tired. How about some sleep huh?"
Mike suddenly looked so sad again. He didn't move.
"Mike?"
"I don't want to." He said.
"Yeah… You know what? I still have some stuff I need to work on for tomorrow. I was thinking about doing them at my desk here."
"Yeah?"
"I'm just going to go and get them, you get ready for bed."
Ten minutes later Harvey was seated at his desk and Mike was under the covers in bed behind him. He found that it was easy to concentrate now.
"I don't hate you Harvey." Mike suddenly whispered. Harvey was quiet a moment before he answered.
"I know Mike."
– SUITS –
This whole chapter is just one day of events. What did you think about Mike and Harvey's little fight? Finally Harvey knows more about what's going on with Mike. Maybe things will go a bit better now?
I wanted to capture how Mike is feeling with all of this. He is suddenly feeling very insecure about practically everything, which is something he isn't used to, so it is hard to deal with. He doesn't really know how either. His emotions is also all over the place, which I also tried to write. Let me know what you think! Thank you for all the reviews and for reading :)